When I was in elementary school, I found some Advanced Dungeons & Dragons books at a yardsale. I read through them, brought them to school, and played through a basic campaign with some friends. Since then, I haven't met anyone interested in pen-and-paper RPGs. I still hope that I can one day convince someone to play with me, but I don't even know which system I should try to learn. There are now so many different editions of D&D, in addition to countless alternatives and endless arguments over the merits of each.

Whatever system I decide to learn, I will need to invest time and energy into learning and teaching the game to others, and I'll most likely be the DM, so I'd like to choose one that won't be too difficult for beginners to get into. While I enjoy exploring interesting game mechanics, I think the idea of creating an interactive adventure story or a world to explore with friends is what attracts me the most. The Fate system sounded interesting, but I had a hard time understanding the core rulebook. I've recently read short summaries of several other systems that seem like they could be fun and not too hard to get into, such as Index Card RPG, Shadowdark, Tiny Dungeon, Five Torches Deep, Fantasy AGE, and Creative Card Chaos; but I can't afford to read through each of them and seven editions of D&D to determine which one is most suitable for me.

Does anyone have any advice on how to evaluate my options or a suggestion for a good one to start out with?

I bought an M2 Macbook Air at the start of this year for uni. I only planned to use it for uni work as I have another 'more powerful' laptop that I use for everything else, but I kinda love the M2 and want to make it my daily driver laptop. Battery lasts for ages, screen is great, it's thin and light, etc. The problem is - as you might guess - I only got the 512GB model and if there's one thing Apple hates, it's people having control over their hardware, so no expandable storage. I can't afford to upgrade the entire laptop, so I need to work with what I have. Here's what I want to use it for:

• Graphic design: Adobe software, high-res images, typefaces, etc.
• Music production: Ableton Live 11 Suite, sample packs, plug-ins, project folders, etc.
• Music library: uncompressed .m4a files because iTunes hates Vorbis 😢, ~80% of my library (I don't have everything downloaded yet) is 25GB.
• Web-browsing: Firefox... this one isn't really relevant but I feel like I should include it for completeness.

Does anyone have any tips to stretch this 512GB as faaaaaar as it can go? I have a 2TB external SSD, but I'm wary of keeping anything important on it because it's small and I don't want to accidentally lose a bunch of stuff. I can spend a bit of money (maybe 30usd) if anyone has a good idea that requires buying something, but I can't spend any ludicrous amounts, I already did that to get the laptop!

Hey all,

We're working on a press-freedom / anti-censorship project and we're testing a variety of scenarios in which a journalist's internet traffic is being monitored by a hostile state. We'd like to simulate an ISP's access to the journalist's traffic so we can run some packet collection and other tests to see what it looks like.

What's the best way to do this? Put a few routers in series and collect on the last one?

Whenever I come up north to visit my parents my stomach liquefies, my skin breaks out, and my pain and inflammation flare up. Part of me wonders if it's the water? But I've been here for 3 weeks and there's no adjustment.

I leave tomorrow, thankfully, but damn is it a lot to contend with when trying to be present for my parents. There's a lot of baggage from growing up with them, but our adult relationship is solid. Also, my dad has some serious chronic health issues, so I want to be here when I can to help out and spend time with him and my mom, but damn does my body hate it.

What could cause this? Soon as I head back home (way south) things clear up and even out. This can't just be trauma related stress, can it? Could it be tied to the climate difference perhaps? The water? The city pollution?

I live in a very remote place in the desert, whereas here it is very humid and city. I know y'all probably can't give me an answer, but does anyone here have similar experiences, and if so what do you hypothetically link it to? I just want a normal shit, my skin to not have crazy rosatia and flaking and itching, and to not be in constant pain from my underlying health issues when I visit my parents.

I mentioned it to my dr today (rheumatologist) and he didn't really say much in response. So that's no help.

Does anyone have any great examples of a document that explains an algorithm?

For work, I am trying to learn how an algorithm works, and I thought it'd be a great exercise to build up a doc that outlines what happens and how it works. I'm hopefully to lean slightly on the more technical side, but not so far that non-technical people won't derive any meaning.

I'm looking to write something that clearly outlines a process, and shows how those pieces affect the final result. It's something I've never done before, but having difficulty finding posts when googling around for "how an algorithm works".

I'm thinking the ideal format mixes both text and graphics, but the majority I have found are gigantic walls of text. I want to write about a software algorithm, but I think this broadly applies for any sort of complicated process.

There's a lot of information I could share about this. But I do want to remain semi-private, so I'll try to stick to the highlights and answer questions as needed. Instead of stating hard numbers, I'll compare against the value of my car according to Kelly Blue Book.

I'm reaching out here because I'm not a "car person" and I haven't gone through anything like this before. I figured if there's any other angles or strategies I'm missing then you all will probably fill in my blind spots. I want this to be over ASAP, but I also don't want to pay for the damage they've caused since it's thousands of dollars.

What happened:

• In May my car started having acceleration issues. I brought it in for repair at a dealership I've gone to for 2 years who has an in-house service department. The dealership's name includes the name of my car's manufacturer, so they're a specialized licensed dealer.
• At first they thought my catalytic converter was the issue, so they ran a bunch of tests. After extensive troubleshooting, they ended up taking it off and confirmed there was no damage or clogs. I received written updates, so this is well-documented.
• There is a known defect with engines in cars like mine. Therefore they put in a request for a free engine replacement, which was approved. They also reexamined my car after the approval was granted and recommended replacing another part at the same time. I approved and paid for that myself.
• When they gave me back my car, it was making a lot of weird sounds. I commented on it during pickup, and they told me not to drive too fast. Turns out it wasn't able to go on the highway at all and the check engine light quickly came on. I notified them and they asked me to return it. I put 100 miles on it during that period. For reference, driving on a highway has never been an issue for me.
• Upon examination, they informed me my catalytic converter was fully clogged and that it needed to be replaced. The sent me a quote for half the value of my car, a major expense.
• At first they tried arguing that it passed their test drive. But after I pointed out that I only drove 100 miles, they said it must have been clogged the whole time and they missed it repeatedly. They also said the new engine could in theory cause the issue, but stopped short of recommending it be replaced yet again. They also told me I could take my car somewhere else to get the repair done for cheaper. I have this conversation recorded.
• So I haven't had a working car for 100+ days now. It's still at the dealership and they've been trying to pressure me into taking it away, even though it's not save to drive and driving it could cause more damage.
• I've asked for a loaner vehicle repeatedly, and I'm always told none are available and that I'm on the wait list.

Here's what I've done so far.

• I have a support case with the manufacturer's national customer support system. I don't have my case managers direct line, but I call the regular line every day asking for updates. I also ask for it to be escalated and expedited. Sometimes the person tries to go above and beyond to give me the latest updates, but ultimately I don't think this is helping much. A request for a "good will" repair has been submitted and is awaiting review. Both my case manager and the dealership have told me it can take months to be reviewed. The person reviewing it is a regional manager. I've asked for their contact information but so far they've refused to disclose that.
• I've spoken to a lawyer briefly. They seemed to think it wouldn't be worth hiring them for this. They advised filing a claim against the dealership's insurer. As a backup, file a claim with my insurer and have them go after the dealership's insurer to cover the cost. I'm nervous about going this route because if they're not able to recoup then that claim would stay on my record which does have financial implications.
• I've asked the dealership directly for their insurance to file a claim. They refused to give it to me, saying only they file claims against their insurance. I don't know how else to try extracting this information. Cold calling as a prospective customer? Is it hanging on one of their walls maybe?
• I've spoken with the dealership's manager who oversees used cars. They made me an insultingly low offer yesterday, about 10% of its value. For reference, my car is less than 10 years old. Part of the reason it's so low is because they're budgeting in the repair. The manager doesn't seem to care that they damaged my car. But it does seem like they want the car off the lot, so maybe if I hold the line on this front the offer will increase. Unless they tow it, which I do slightly fear.
• I made some phone calls to governmental entities in my state. I've narrowed in on one entity that I'm told should have records of the dealership's insurance and also allow me to file a complaint. I got a voicemail today, but fingers crossed I can connect with them tomorrow.
• I sent an email to an executive last week. If I don't hear back I plan on doing this weekly with different executives. I'll add the names of each executive I've contacted to the bottom so the person has that additional context.
• I've reached out a local TV station who investigates things in the community. If I don't hear back I plan on contacting another one next week. I live in big city so I'm not confident this avenue will be fruitful.
• I've looked briefly into small claims court, but even a positive outcome requires me to collect. So that doesn't seem particularly helpful.
• I've looked briefly into leaving a BBB review, but I'm not sure that will accomplish much.

Solution

It was probably my motherboard. I got a new CPU and motherboard and it worked. I also upgraded from DDR3 to DDR4 ram in the upgrade process

Background

So my computer is not posting, and I am unsure the cause. I am not getting an error code, so that complicates things. I do not know if this motherboard will provide post codes, it does not have a seven segment display for providing post codes.

How it started

It just randomly stopped displaying any pictures, unsure if it happened while in use or when the computer was asleep. I was doing stuff at my desk and had music playing on my computer. The music ended and I did not put on more music and the monitors went to sleep. Later when I went to use my computer It did not appear to wake up, I tried fully shutting down and turning on my computer, and that is when this problem occurred.

Symptoms:

• When I power on, computer appears to start normally, with all fans spinning so power delivery appears to be working. Even GPU fans are spinning.
• Holding down the power button turns the computer off as normal.
• Nothing is displayed on the screen, my monitors do not even detect an input.
• USB devices do not appear to be powering on.
• Every minute or two, the GPU fans ramp up briefly, and then ramp down. It may be all fans are ramping up, kind of hard to tell exactly which fans are ramping up.
• With the AMD GPU, the LEDs for power turn on. However, I vaguely recall the GPU itself having some RGB when the system was running that was not on. How my computer was setup I did not see inside my case that often, so the RGB on the GPU is a vague memory from a few years ago and I would not put much weight in there being some RGB.

Hardware:

• MOBO: Gigabyte 9900FXA-UD3
• CPU: AMD FX-8350
• GPU: ASUS Radeon HD7870 or EVGA GTX 970
• PSU: Cooler Master Elite V2 550W

Troubleshooting Attempted:

I initially assumed it was GPU related as the computer appears to turn on normally, but then nothing is displayed. So another user shipped me his old GPU (the GTX 970), and I swapped it out with my old one, and the problem persists.

I tried swapping out the RAM

I tried a brand new PSU and that also did not solve the issue

Leading hypothesis

Since I have changed everything out except CPU and MOBO, I am thinking it is probably my MOBO. I am currently researching my options for replacing my MOBO, or a friend offered me his CPU and RAM from his old rig with a broken MOBO that may be a better option than replacing mine.

I've been struggling with this for a long time. I want to keep my workflow consistent independent of my "workstation", and have identical dotfiles (like .bashrc, .vimrc etc.) on different devices.

So... How you personally deal with this issue, and what should I do?

Thanks!

My only living parent has between one and five days left to live. The parent is unable to speak now and has had dementia for the last 5 years and will not recognize who I am if I go visit now in these final hours.

They live a few thousand miles away from me; it would be expensive to go and money is painfully tight right now with my partner unexpectedly unemployed and struggling to get a job comparable to the job just lost.

I’m somewhat estranged from this parent. The short version is this parent is a narcissist and really didn’t show up when I was growing up, or at any point in my adult life, or really at any point when it mattered. Despite this person being a really crappy parent, they exerted a massive gravitational pull in my life through many decades—basically, this parent loomed very large for far too long given the extreme narcissism, albeit much less so in the last decade or two. (Dementia and my coming to terms with it all and caring less and time and my having my own kids and my starting my own family all being some sort of salve.)

I have one very close friend who is telling me that it is critical to go before this parent dies because being present while they are still living will give me a kind of closure and unexpected resolutions that I cannot even anticipate now. This friend is quite adamant that going is critical for personal growth.

A different close friend says that going while the person is still alive is a complete waste and that I should go for the funeral instead where I can see other relatives and connect with my sibling and other relatives and deepen those relationships which (the friend says) will be a momentous transition point for us all, creating a better sense of family than any of us could have ever had while this person was alive. This friend insists that the healing and closure is identical pre-death and post-death, but that the extra emotional burden of seeing someone dying will derail me and never be able to be “unseen.” This person thinks spending money on two trips is foolish, so the one trip to go on is for the memorial. FWIW, My sibling is only going for the memorial.

Even if money were no object, I’m not sure I could emotionally handle going twice. I suppose I can, but that’s very time intensive and I have young kids myself who need me and for whom it would be a strain if I were gone for too long. I’ve already said it, but I have to say it again: money is really tight Going twice feels possible, but extremely difficult

I guess what I’m really trying to understand, if my feelings for this parent are presently ambivalence that grew over a decade or two from what was formerly extreme anger and hurt, is there something meaningful about going while the parent is still alive? Is there something important that happens before the person dies that is in someway healing or transformative or valuable? Is it more important to instead go when my sibling is going? Should I max the credit card and go twice? Should I risk infuriating and deeply damaging my relationships with my extended family and not go at all to save money? (This last option seems wrong, but it is a possibility, so I feel like it at least deserves considering.)

Friends of Tildes, what did you gain or lose from seeing a relative in hospice? What thoughts and wisdom do you have to share around moments like these?

Thank you in advance for sharing your stories. I’m sure your collective wisdom will help me make a better choice.

I've been friends with someone for 18 months that seems to be taking the friendship in an inappropriate direction. Well, it started inappropriate as well.

At my last job we all sat in cubicles. One day, having just led my ornithologist brother on a small bird tour of the area, I described the trip to a co-worker. Someone I'd never noticed before popped up from behind a cube wall and started asking questions. She introduced herself and for the next few days continued to strike up conversations with me.

After a certain amount of this I wondered if this was a romantic interest from her. I was already counting the days until I would quit the job so saw little reason not to ask her out for a drink. When I proposed the idea she gave me a devious smile and we quietly headed out. Afterwards, in the settling of the tab, I Venmo'd her for a beer and noticed her Venmo account had a different last name than she has at work and asked about that. She's Chinese and I wasn't sure if sometimes Chinese people might have an anglicized last name in addition to their first name. "Oh, sometimes I use one, sometimes the other" was all I got. Nothing physical occurred or was initiated.

A week later after texting and going to a company workout class together she tells me that she is married. I'm absolutely shocked and feel like I've been used as part of someone's adulterous fantasy. The style of our conversations seemed identical to the getting-to-know-you type of stuff you cover on first dates. But I wasn't sure. Maybe I misread the situation. I tell her I'm not comfortable with the situation and we stop talking for a week. But I'd already joined the group workout class on her recommendation and would see her there anyway. I decided that I didn't really know what her intentions were and would give her the benefit of the doubt. She seemed to be interested in us having a friendship.

But I really wanted to know... what did happen? One of my favorite podcasts is Heavyweight. In it, Jonathan Goldstein plays the role of a social detective. People come to him with relationship issues from their past and he, without the restraint most people feel, badgers people for answers with his journalistic skills. I suspect I am mildly autistic, so for me many mundane social interactions carry mystery. To have Goldstein take relatable life experiences and crack them open for all to see is powerful. It's like we can finally get some goddamn answers to people's closest kept secrets.

So as time went on I got integrated into her group of friends, met her husband, her dog. Her husband seems like a great guy. But my friend would give indications of unhappiness in her marriage, often in groups when he was not around, occasionally over text message to me. I never engaged.

She had some hard-to-get permits for a backpacking trip. It would be a trip of four. Her husband was not interested so she invited three friends including myself. I went on the trip, made a new friend who just moved to my city, and had a great time. Immediately afterwards we started planning a new trip.

At some point my female friend did initiate a conversation on what she was thinking when we went out for a drink and what happened during the days after before she told me she was married. It boiled down to her wanting my friendship but not wanting to change my behavior. In my interpretation she wanted the attention of being dated. I honestly wasn't sure how much I believed this explanation - and even on its face it didn't sound super great.

So we just got back from another backpacking trip - myself, my female friend, and a male friend of hers who is married. During the trip I ended up discussing my sexuality with the two of them. I consider myself to be on the spectrum of asexuality. I described, as best I could, what makes me attracted to people (an emotional connection, their personality and intelligence, etc.) and the short list of people I had found myself strongly attracted to. I didn't list my female friend - I had lost most of my interest with that initial feeling of being used a year and a half ago. And a couple weeks isn't quite enough time for me to really get things revved up. Visibly I could see she was very confused but I didn't acknowledge her reaction. "Wasn't there one more ... the married one?" I dodged the question.

On the drive back her male friend brought up the topic of my sexuality again. I answered his questions. My female friend seemed to again want to know if I was attracted to her. "Do you ever find your friends attractive?" "Are you attracted to older women?" (she's older than me)

On my side of things, this friendship has been predicated on the idea that as long as I didn't engage with anything I consider to be unethical there couldn't be any harm done. But now I'm not so sure. And what's worse - I'm finding myself attracted to her again because of her interest.

I've been thinking about having a conversation about how she's making me uncomfortable. I think it's past the point where there's any chance nothing's going on. I really do not get the impression she's trying to leave her husband. I just feel played with.

Edit: Okay, the friend in question is away for a few weeks but I'll have a conversation with them when they get back to figure this out.

Hi Tilderinos,

I head up a small startup and we're looking to get some support for our data security. Up until now we've worked with small mom and pops that didn't have any requirements, but a few of our new clients have full data security teams and our infrastructure and policies/protocols aren't up to snuff. We reached out to a few consulting firms and they quotes us between $80-100k to get things set up and run us through a full SOC2 review. As a small company we don't really have that type of budget, more like $40-50k. I stumbled upon Vanta and Drata as alternatives and had meetings with their sales folks last week. Both of their offerings from setting up our protocols to monitoring and getting us through a SOC2 were only $16k.

Are platform based companies like Vanta or Drata enough to get us off the ground while we're still getting set up? Has anyone worked with them before and have any feelings one way or the other? Should we be signing on with a security consulting company - be it at a lower rate if we can negotiate it?
This is all quite new to me and any insight folks here can provide would be incredible useful.

I'm at the end of a decade long relationship. I didn't want it end but that's how it goes sometimes. Any suggestions for how to handle it? Right now all I'm really feeling is shock but I'm sure that'll fade to sadness soon.

The news has been talking about the burst of mosquito activity, thanks to warm weather and moisture everywhere. In our typically bug-free home, we've lately been swatting a half dozen flying insects a day, mostly flies and fruit flies, and a mosquito here and there.

I'm not necessarily scared of West Nile, Eastern equine encephalitis, or dengue virus, but I'm wondering if anyone has any good tricks for dealing with all these bugs.

How are you dealing with mosquitoes and flies at home?

Gonna try and put this into words.

I am pretty familiar with bash and python. used both quite a bit and feel more or less comfortable with them.

My issue is I often do a thing where if I want to accomplish a task that is maybe a bit complex, I feel like I have to wind up making a script, let's call it hello_word.sh but then I also make a script called .hello_world.py

and basically what I do is almost the first line of the bash script, I call the python script like ./hello_world.py $@ and take advtange of the argparse library in python to determine what the user wants to do amongst other tasks that are easier to do in python like for loops and etc.

I try to do the meat of the logic in the python scripts before I write to an .env file from it and then in the bash script, I will do

set -o allexport
source "${DIR}"/"${ENV_FILE}"
set +o allexport

and then use the variable from that env file to do the rest of the logic in bash.

why do I do anything in bash?

cause I very much prefer being able to see a terminal command being executed in real-time and see what it does and be able to Ctrl+c if I see the command go awry.

in python, you can run a command with subprocess or other similar system libraries but you can't get the output in real-time or terminate a command preemptively and I really hate that. you have to wait for the command to end to see what happened.

But I feel like there is something obvious I am missing (like maybe bash has an argparse library I don't know about and there is some way to inject the concept of types into it) or if there is another language entirely that fits my needs?

Hello fellow Tildians,

I'm considering a move from Northern Virginia (NoVa) to Raleigh, NC, and would love some insight from those familiar with the area. I'm in my 20s and curious about the scene down there.

Although I haven’t spent much time in NoVa, one of the main reasons I’m looking at Raleigh is that NoVa feels like it has a more transient population. There's nothing inherently wrong with that (and I realize I’m contributing to it myself), but I’m hoping for something with more rooted connections.

How easy is it to make friends or date in Raleigh? I know it’s a broad question, but if anyone has lived in both places and can compare, that would be super helpful!

Additionally, are there any neighborhoods or locations I should avoid? I’m considering purchasing a home but want to stay within 15-20 minutes of Raleigh.

Any insights or advice would be greatly appreciated!

Spouse fell in love with Rancho Gordo's premium dry beans, and got a subscription.

We're now swimming in beans, but I'm not a bean lover - they usually taste bitter to me unless huge amounts of spice and vegetables are added. I prefer Asian cuisine flavor profiles, and dry beans don't seem to figure in much Chinese, Thai, or Vietnamese cookery.

But I'm game to try anything - please hit me with your favorite bean recipes. Vegetarian or vegan for preference, but I'll look at recipes that include animal products for flavoring and come up with my own alternatives.

Hi DnD friends,

I'm tackling a new DM challenge and could use some guidance. I'm designing a dungeon where humanoid beavers are attempting to awaken a sleeping god. Their efforts get derailed when they offer the god a magical plant that overgrows their entire base, warping the rooms and fusing many surviving beavers into half-plant, half-beaver creatures.

Since our group is relatively new, I've found that combat can be a bit slow. To speed things up and make combat more dynamic, I want to include environmental elements and traps—things like shelves that can be pushed over or a chandelier that can be dropped on enemies. I hope this will make the players feel more impactful when they pull off creative moves.

I plan to design a large building that encourages investigation, puzzle solving, and backtracking. My goal is for the players to get familiar with the map before combat, allowing them to discover useful items or environmental features they can take advantage of when enemies appear.

Since I've never done anything like this, I'm seeking advice on how to approach the design. Are there common pitfalls I should avoid to keep the building fun? How large should the maps be if I want to run this over 3 sessions, each about 3 hours long? And what types of puzzles would fit well in this environment?

Thanks a ton for your ideas! I’m already feeling like I may be reaching too high, but I’m excited to give it a shot!

Edit: Apache OR Nginx? Could someone fix my title - I posted without proofing.

My wife is having half decent success with ecommerce. She's doing great on Etsy and eBay, and now her website is starting to pick up.

It's currently hosted on 20i who pride themselves on being an excellent WordPress and Woocommerce provider, with a half decent CDN. In reality, I think it's pretty shit for what you pay for.

I'm tempted to either grab a VPS or even go as far as a bare metal at a CoLo with public IP and run the full stack myself. If I do, shall I go Apache or Nginx? I've done both and I'm pretty agnostic. OS would be Debian.

Before I go to this length though, does anyone know of a fair priced but good performing Woocommerce platform? She's got hundreds of hours already, the plugins and over 300 products listed, so I'm loathe to move to a different solution, however, I'm not ruling it out.

The reason to not all in on Etsy or eBay is the 25% cut they take of everything. Using a personal site and Stripe payment platform means it's more 1% + 20p for processing.

Ideas, thoughts and suggestions please?

To be clear, I'm a native Texan. But I'm tired of the goings-on of the county that I've always lived in. I feel like I've already done everything there is to do. I want to meet people that feel genuinely 'new' to me and have as many novel experiences as I can in a short period of time.
I'm planning on moving during January since that's when my lease is up at my apartment. What things should I expect? What should I seek?

UPDATE: the surgery went well amd she is recovering now

I talked in the past about my mother here.

She's been diagnosed with abdominal aortic aneurysm and keeping an eye on it.

Now it's time for surgery because it's big and in danger of rupture.

She's already in the hospital and will operate today or tomorrow.

She is still frail and eating less since my brother's death. Weight is only 44k/97lbs. She is 74 years old.

I keep reading that the endovascular surgery is not that dangerous. Just a minor cut in the groin, but I'm really afraid due to her weakness. Doctor assured is OK and he is the best in town. Last year he did 25 of these and this year 15.

Guess I'm just venting and afraid. Lost a brother a year and half ago and now it's my mother.

Feels like I'm just living between tragedies.

I'm currently at a crossroads for how I want to spend my next few years. For context I'm 33 and considering whether or not to purchase a vehicle after being car free for 12 years.

I rent a 600 sq foot apartment downtown and walk, run or bike everywhere with the occasional trip on transit. I fill up my free time with low cost activities like gaming, magic (the gathering), disc golf, and usually one paid activity like karate or climbing. I enjoy getting out to the mountains to hike when I can get a ride with a friend or meetup group.

I'm pretty content day to day, I have a good friend group, and it feels great knowing I only have to work for 12-17 more years while I am still young enough to enjoy retirement (If I keep my 50% savings rate). I do still splurge occasionally with a few weeks of overseas vacation.

I am considering getting a car as I feel it would allow me to:

• Go hiking more often, and on my terms. Most of the hiking groups I join are 10-20 people going extremely slowly. I run in a 100 mile trail run relay every year and a vehicle would allow me to train more and see how much I can push my body. Running a 50km, 50 miler, 100km, and maybe 100 miles would be goals that I can see myself training towards.
• Provide rides for people out to the mountains. The most luck I have had in meeting new people is through hiking groups, and being on the provider end and being known as someone that regularly hosts I feel can generate a lot more clout, and is seen as more attractive for the purposes of asking people out for dates afterwards if we bonded during the hike.
• Visit family and work remotely more often. I live 500km away from family, but my work allows me to work from anywhere within 1 or 2 timezones, so I could make 1-3 week trips to visit family and work during the day.

However I have the following reservations:

• Getting a vehicle I feel is a dangerous slope of lifestyle creep. Likely at least $3-5k in yearly expenses on top of the purchase cost, pushing retirement at least a few years back
• Getting a vehicle purely for pleasure as I work from home goes against my current frugal nature. What if I don't feel like hiking every single weekend? Sometimes I like just staying in a playing some games or working on a side project. What if I get an injury or it ends up being too smoky?
• The opportunity cost. Is this the best way I would want to spend my money to enjoy life more if I was dedicated to spending it? I could instead spend months in South America doing a bunch of awesome hiking and traveling there.

Has anyone else that was on track for an early retirement give in and decide to start spending more 10+ years out? I currently don't know what I want my retirement to look like, and a house and family is a huge question mark that I feel is so far off as the longest I have dated someone is just 2 months.

DMs, how do you decide if an NPC dies at 0HP (like a monster) or drops unconscious and starts making death saves (like a PC)? I'm a newish DM (been playing off and on for 10 years but never run a campaign that had legs until now), and our last session ended with the death of a recently-introduced barbarian NPC at the hands of another barbarian NPC. I made some other missteps but the big one seems to be this death - some of the players were shocked that barb #2 had done enough damage to kill barb #1 outright. I just had #1 die because she hit 0HP, and it hadn't really occurred to me that she should have gotten death saves.

Any rules of thumb for how you handle NPC death/dying? Or, if you're a player, how you would expect/like to see it handled? Happy to provide more context if desired.

Thanks!

Trigger Warnings: parent death, pet death, drowning

Recently my mom passed away in a river accident.
She had brought her service dog (a German Shepherd) with her on a rafting trip with friends. From witness testimony, her raft got caught in some trees and as she was trying to detangle herself, her dog got spooked, and jumped into the river. My mom was tied to the dog, and they ended up drowning. They found both their bodies hours later.

I’m still reeling, and I’m in shock. It’s almost early morning and I still can’t get to sleep. I live in a different country and I need to head back to deal with her affairs. She was a single mother, so it’s up to me to figure things out. I have a lot of support, but it still feels so overwhelming.

I specifically would like any advice on how to deal with the “accident” part of her death. It would be one thing if she had died peacefully in her home. But the reason I can’t sleep is because my brain won’t stop trying to imagine what it must have been like in her final moments. The fear, the struggle, her body washing ashore and just sitting somewhere for hours until they could find her. How she must look like now. I will request they cremate her, the police pretty much recommended I don’t do a final look because of how she died. But the morbid curiosity is just there. I don’t know how to shut it off. I know she wouldn’t have wanted me to ruminate over it, but it’s almost like I’m getting the PTSD on her behalf.

I’m also so angry. Angry at her for thinking it would be safe to bring her dog on a raft. Angry at her for tying herself to said dog. But I realize this is more like “denial/bargaining”. My brain keeps making these angry scenarios where I’m yelling at her not to be so stupid. What would possess her to do something like this? But of course that’s just another part of grief.

I’m rambling, it’s late. (Or rather early?) I’m just really sad and tired. Any words would be appreciated.

if i chart my life happiness, fulfilment, success over the past four years, the trend is clearly downwards. some clear wins and stretches of improvement, some quite significant, which i am proud of, but overall, i am getting worse and worse and worse. i attribute my problems mostly to two things: severe social isolation, and an extreme deficit of executive function. however i got here, i'm stuck with the fallout

my memory is bad, and my attention shot, so i kind of don't know what's happened emotionally. i know some focal points, though

this past march, i had a major depressive episode, and it feels like i spent most of a week doing nothing but crying, for no reason at all. i'm not sure how i fed myself

at the beginning of 2022, i quit my (very cushy and chill) job, which i had had for a little over a year at that point, because i felt like i was unmotivated and not actually doing work. (the facts are a bit more subtle; it was partly that the work itself was uninteresting to me, and they wanted to work with me to find something for me to do that i would find more interesting. i was going along with that, until a new opportunity appeared, which i jumped for because i wanted to be able to make a clean break. that opportunity immediately fell through.) i had been living with my parents until shortly before, so i had a lot of savings

now, i find myself in a similar situation, only much more dire. a friend got me a job working with smart people on interesting problems. i have not been doing well. i have been extremely uncommunicative. the pattern is clear: i talk to people, flex my technical chops; they are impressed and like me a lot. then i'm not very productive, and my output slowly deteriorates to nil. i think i just can't do wfh tech work. last week was a blur. i don't know what happened at all. i don't think i've checked slack in close to two weeks, and atp i'm a little bit afraid to. two weeks ago, i asked my friend/coworker to poke me every day to make sure i was doing something. it seemed and still seems like a good strategy. and then a day or two after i asked him that i just dropped off the map again

i'm not addicted to drugs or video games. it seems like i ought to be. i am a bit drunk right now, but that is quite irregular

recently, i thought i'd finally made a close friend. this morning, she broke up with me and blocked me for a really really stupid reason. i am really hurt by that, and it makes me feel a bit hopeless about the whole thing. spent the afternoon crying about it and now just feel a bit numb. i give it decent odds she comes back, but. i know one problem i have is putting my eggs in too few baskets. but there are so few baskets that seem worth investing in, and investment is so hard

she suggested i try to get prescribed add medication for my work problems, and was going to give me some illicitly to see if it helped. the latter is not happening anymore, of course. and i cannot stomach the medical system (already i have other things i have been putting off talking to my doctor about for a while), not to mention that it would take forever to do anything for me

i don't know what to do in the short to medium term. i don't know what to say to my work that i haven't said already, other than: clearly, i am just incapable of doing this. i am not super financially stable right now, and being without a job seems like a bad idea

Hey, so there's been an ice buildup in our fridge creeping along the back. After a while it hit the front, and tadaaaa, it finally got bad enough the door didn't close fully... So most everything outside of one big pile of vegetables got defrosted overnight. (On the plus side, I walked into having a nice big pancake breakfast!) We threw out the meats and moved the veggies to our other freezer. This at least let me finally disassemble everything and see what's in there. It looks like this in there:

https://imgur.com/a/YnGB3Zz

When we noticed this was happening a few months ago I turned off the ice maker switch in the back and, but it still kept doing this. There's still a ton of ice in the top tray, and set the temp to the max. But the fridge is right up against the left wall there, making it difficult/impossible to get the trays here out with the door blocking it. Additionally the right side has a dishwasher immediately next to it, so a decent amount of heat goes up the back. Then ALSO I found that big chunk of ice frosted on a pipe, so I wonder if it split? I'm unfamiliar with fridge design, so I don't know exactly what would give me the right answer.

I'm wondering what to do. My thoughts are that I've finally got the bottom tray/shelf/bucket thing out, so I could hammer the shit out of it and at least clear the bottom up... Then if I could get the top tray out I could see if removing all the ice in the top would stop the creep. I'm guessing that's a big fat no. At that point, is it possible to remove the ice module that I actively do not want anyway to see if it fixes anything, or is it integral to the freezer design? And at that point... Should we just get another fridge? Are there fridges without this busto icemaker shit nowadays? Thanks!

Edit to add: coop multiplayer is not available on the mobile version, which is the only realistic choice for our current life pattern / technology setup. I do agree it sounds interesting and fun!

My family has recently been on a big Stardew Valley kick. My spouse and I and our daughter are all first time players playing on android, which has no multiplayer mode.

From what I understand about multiplayer, I don't really think it would be good for us. We all play the game in very different ways. However, I think it would be amazing to be able to trade items. No one but me likes going into the mines/caves, and sometimes you just need one of something out of season.

My idea is that there would be a special chest I could put something into and it would be moved out of my game and into one of theirs or vice versa. Obviously, you could mod the game so you can just get any item, but this way somebody still has to get it, so it (hopefully) doesn't undermine the game economy.

I have been looking at the mod community, and it seems like the android version supports mods. I haven't found a mod that does as described. My general path forward is:

• set up a mod that implements the chest and talks to a server via API
• set up a server that can receive and hold incoming "put" and then send those items with the "get" from the client at the other end
• build the API so that it can represent important assets in the game
• come up with a lightweight way to secure the protocol to the intended users (this may depend on how identifiable individual clients are, but could be as simple as putting in a shared secret when creating the chest)

Obviously there are a lot of details to work out, but I wanted to get some wider feedback from people who had been playing the game longer.

• does this already exist and I'm just not aware? I did spend some time searching, but it seems like most mods are either cosmetic or change the in game mechanics in some way.
• would you be interested in something like this?
• what kind of mechanics would you want to see? Maybe a way to propose and accept specific trades rather than just sending items? Would you limit it to your circle of friends or be interested in a wider community?
• have you written or used Stardew Valley mods (especially on android), and if so, what was your experience?

Two weeks ago I decided to cut alcohol out of my life. I have a weird issue though where I don't feel I necessarily relate to other problem drinkers in support spaces online, and I assume would not in-person, because I feel like my habit was never particularly bad. I've never been addicted to the degree where I have to have a drink to function, I never used it as a crutch in social situations, or anything like that. I don't mean this to put anybody down, but I've grown up around alcoholics, and even count myself among that number, but feel I somehow never fell into the worst, and have a hard time walking away from where I was because of it.

To break down my cycles of drinking:

I started with a beer a day. I liked beer, then moved on to drink/include whiskeys and other hard liquors. I'd have 1-3 drinks a night most nights from when I was of legal drinking age and could afford my own alcohol, and have a pace usually of one an hour. I enjoyed the tastes, experimenting with different varieties, and just exploring what was out there from whiskeys, cordials, weird beers, meads, anything.

Then there came a point where I started drinking heavily infrequently but regularly about seven years ago, where half a handle was gone in a week and a half and I had no idea where it went. I didn't black out at all, but would later realize I was drinking it really fast. This continued, I would stop buying hard liquor, and then buy some, and drink it quicker than I should have, rinse repeat.

The thing where I feel conflicted is I feel like I was in control, in a sense. I really enjoyed the alcohol I was drinking and would sip on it over a few hours having glass after glass. For these heavier nights I would wake up with a mild hangover, but it wasn't an every day thing. I would occasionally mess up and drink half a 750ml bottle and regret it, but tone it back down.

As far as cravings, I would crave alcohol like I crave other foods/drinks, like "I really want some Johnnie Walker Black this week" similarly to how I would think "I want a coke." Then I would clear 375ml in three days, and realize I didn't have enough to enjoy until the next paycheck (I generally didn't buy liquor more than once a pay period because I was usually interested in being more intimate with one drink at a time). Similar to how if I eat candy bars regularly I crave them, alcohol is/was the same.

Part of this led me to take a long time to give myself permission to stop drinking. I decided two weeks ago that I just don't need alcohol and sort of just said I'd commit to it, do the "one day at a time" thing. No end time, just never doing it. I feel if there's a deadline, or any conditions to drink, I'll slip back into the patterns I had which weren't entirely self-destructive, but not something I wanted to live with. As far as work functions, I'll just get a soda, mocktail, or water.

As a result, I have also hit a sort of malaise about how different things aren't. I've had dry patches where I chose not to drink, and I don't have a huge recovery story since I wasn't drinking all the time anyway, but going through these sorts of cycles. I don't feel any different because I'm not healing, I'm not going through any withdrawals or detox, I don't have any behavior to feel guilty about, or anything. I feel like a bad alcoholic, in a sense, because I don't have much to run from beyond the problem of "one is too many, two is not enough." I also feel self-conscious about not drinking alcohol, because I'm worried about how to answer if asked why.

I guess, to a point, I'm reaching out because I feel a little alone on this. I'm not sure how to navigate my not-quite sobriety (I still use cannabis edibles on rare occasion, and kava quite frequently, but not regularly). Has anybody else been in a similar situation? How did you navigate it internally?

So this is ultimately a very oddball situation. Some background:

I live in a rancher in southern NJ. Fully electrified home.

I had recently installed minisplits to replace some electric baseboard heaters, covering about 2/3 of my home. This was fortunate, as I believe my blower fan in my central AC unit blew out. The minisplits + 1 window unit have actually been cheaper to operate than the old AC unit, so now I have a vestiegal high-velocity central AC system in my attic.

Namely, this means a lot of unused flexible, insulated ductwork and some ferro-fluids in my attic that should probably be blocked off and drained, respectively.

I've been contemplating on how to possibly repurpose some of this stuff to fix one of the biggest blind spots in my home: ventilation and filtering

My one bathroom exhaust fan vents directly into the attic, which is a moisture hell that needs solved.

There's no other ductwork in my home, and pretty much the only time fresh air gets in the house is if we crack windows or open doors.

So the theory is:

I route the bathroom exhausts into the old air handler coils to help capture the moisture and drain it out, then have it mix with some outside air and recirculate it into the house again.

Alternatively, routing some of the air between the attic/crawlspace/attached garage for preconditioning outside air as as well.

Is this insanity, or a remotely plausible idea? I'm fairly handy, and since its sbeing made with vestigial bits in spare time labor cost is much less of an issue than parts.

My dog is really important to me. Without going into much detail, he and I have been through a lot and I’m committed to making his life as good as possible. a couple of years ago we lived in San Francisco and we were happy. Then I moved to the East Coast, spent a year with my parents before starting a PhD. That was not the best experience, it was at the last stage of his adulthood before being elderly, and he got attacked by my mom‘s dog several times and we were in a shitty concrete hell suburbia that had no good places to walk him. I am very sympathetic to how difficult the transition has been.

Finally we have a place to ourselves again, and it sucks. I feel like he’s ruining my life. It’s been upsetting me to the point that I want to scream.

• he will not leave me alone. He needs to be where I am at all times. We live in a modest one bedroom apartment, and you can see every room from any other room. if I go into the bedroom and he’s in the living room, he has to hop off the couch and follow me 15 feet. If I go to the bathroom, he’s laying down outside the door. Because of his arthritis, I wish he would just stay and not walk unnecessarily.

• I take him on one good size walk and two or three small walks per day. these are the most frustrating times of my day. He lags behind me no matter how slowly I go. I have to keep the leash very short so that I don’t have him fearing off left and right. He wants to smell every single thing. He used to, be a good walker and he would stay at my side and come to that position if I signal him to. But in his old age, he just doesn’t listen to me, it’s not a matter of hearing. He completely ignores me.

• if he is not eating, out on a walk, or tearing up a stuffy, he is unhappy. He lays and will now and then sneezes or sighs.

• he has always had this problem where, a sudden loud noise will deeply disturb him. He will shake uncontrollably, and any attempt to soothe him, by talking to him or touching him, just makes him shake worse.

• he hounds me for food. The moment I touched something in the kitchen, he comes.

• I have gotten him several bowls to try slowing down his eating, but he eats like he’s starving. So I have to feed him in small bits, and if the bits are spread apart too far, he starts shaking like he’s being neglected. I have had him tested for diabetes or other issues, his blood work comes back normal.

• he always wants to sleep in my bed, but he does not want me to touch him. If we are sleeping back to back and our hips touch, he gets off the bed. And then he gets back on as soon as he sees a decent opportunity. we used to share the bed, because I have had a California king size bed by myself, and it was fine. But in the last year, it’s just like he hates it.

I have come to hate the sound of his collar jingling. I have nasty thoughts like waiting for the relief of him passing away. Sometime I have an aggressive voice, but I really do always try to keep my voice light and keep his tailwagging in my interactions with him. I’m sure he can sense my agitation though. It has become overwhelming. I don’t enjoy a single moment of our life together.

And I have to work and he needs to be walked several times a day and he will shake if he feels like he’s being neglected in that aspect, so when I have to go run errands, I take him with me, but I can never get anywhere because not only is he naturally slow. He has developed this instinct of lagging behind and he wants to stop and smell everything and it’s just annoying to have to constantly crouch down and Argue with him to get him to move his body. I don’t feel comfortable, forcing him to move, especially because of his arthritis.

Like I said, he used to have good training, but it has all fallen by the wayside and he is old and stubborn.

But this cannot continue. I Don’t believe either of us are happy. I would like some advice on how to effectively train him in the time that I have, I do not have the money to hire a trainer. I also ask that you handle your responses gently; I am extremely upset by this and I am aware of how shitty it sounds of me to speak of him so poorly, but my mental health is falling apart because of the lack of freedom and relaxation that I can find living with him.

I have no intention of rehoming him, and have always been committed to his safety, and comfort and mental and physical happiness. if I rehomed him, it would haunt me, it would devastate me. But I would do it if I believed he would be happier. But I don’t believe he would be, I have left him with my parents and other people in the past, and he just waits vigilantly for me to return.

Edit: I also want to say that I am open to advice on how I can manage myself and my feelings about this

I am wanting to setup a personal podcast server but I am not really sure how to go about that.

I have my own server at home with docker and I am not sure if there are any well-known FOSS (preferable dockerized) podcast server applications that I can spin up and load some podcast episodes into so that I can create my own custom podcast feed that only I would subscribe to?

and I want to be able to support video podcasts.

Tis fire season again here in North America and Europe. From my house in coastal California I grieve every year as more of my favorite forests burn, from British Columbia to California.

There is no end in sight for this transition. So what can we do to at least mitigate the worst of its effects? I think the time to play defense over pure "wilderness" is long gone. The forests that haven't burned are still beautiful, but they're riddled with disease and so overgrown the ecosystems are permanently distorted.

Every year there is less pristine forest and more burned land. I'm a fourth generation Californian and the Portuguese side of the family still owns a ranch in the foothills from 1893. But I own nothing and the prospect of being able to afford land in California has forever been beyond my reach. Burned land needs to be rehabilitated in a thoughtful manner. I'm hoping once my daughter finishes college and our life starts a new chapter, that I can find a few acres where I can make the best environmental impact, such as a headwaters, then invite experts onto the land to teach me how to best heal it.

Every year I have this idea, and every year more areas become available (in the worst sense). I don't need to live on this land. I don't expect it to be much more than grasses and saplings for 20 years. I'd get out to it one or two weekends a month, rent some equipment and hire some folks as I could. I also understand that my original thought that this would be immune from future fire seasons is wrong. But at least the land can be designed to be as fire resistant as possible, with a clear understory and single large trees. And that is another part of the allure. This acreage would come with its own challenges for sure, but in some sense it is a blank slate. The permaculture people could show us how to remediate and reconstruct the land from the bones up.

I know this project would be an aggravating money sink, and even perhaps an unrealistic and irresponsible fantasy by someone untrained in forestry management. But there is so much burned land now. Every year another giant 4% stripe of California goes up in smoke. Yet this idea just doesn't catch on. It entails a lot of patience and work. I know it's not what most people want to hear. They want their idyllic cabin in Tahoe or nothing. But that time is quickly coming to an end and learning how to revive the forests that have been devastated is our only real choice.

Whenever I've tried to get serious about this, though, I learn that there is no market in burned land because there is hardly any profit to be made. No real estate agent that I can find is specializing in this because their clients are having to sell ruined land and burned buildings for pennies on the dollar. I've been advised that the best way is to find a specific spot, do my research, and approach the owner directly. But, again, there is so much burned land now I hardly know where to start. The Santa Cruz Mountains? The Sierra adjacent to Yosemite? Crater Lake in Oregon?

Any thoughts or ideas or resources would be appreciated.

So in about two weeks I'll be at a conference for a career path that I've been trying my best to get into for two years. It's a bit niche, having an overlap with science, tech and IT.

As such this conference represents opportunity for me, and given how low my morale is after rejection after rejection after rejection, something I really hope to see some result from.

Does anyone have any tips on how to network at such a conference?

The topic has been on my mind lately and I'm thinking through my feelings. I'd appreciate hearing others' experiences and opinions to help with my approach.

For context, I have several close family members, including a parent, approaching retirement age. As they've been getting their affairs in order, I've been finding myself the recipient of either gifts or posthumous requests, which are sentimental to them but not me.

Its nothing outrageous. Examples of gifts are things like little decorations/mementos/childhood crafts, long held by them but which I've never seen before. In terms of requests, think along the lines of: I'd really love for you to learn X instrument because you're musical, or I'd love for you to take care of X income-generating hobby I started but you like (Im being a little vague).

I want to respect their feelings (even when I'm not overly sentimental) and help them feel comfortable as they get older, but I want also don't want to outright lie (eg, requests I can't promise to keep) or accrue things that, to me, are clutter.

How have you approached this, or similar scenarios with aging or dying loved ones? Did your opinions or feelings change as they continued to age or passed?

Update:
I found the issue!

Stupidly, I had listened to the advice of YouTubers and Amazon reviews. In my sand filter, I had used the woolen balls. Even though I had been performing the cycle and flush, dumping the water, the woolen balls were not clean, they were green and completely swamped in algae.

I took them out, rinsed, sat them in some diluted bleach and rinsed again. I cleaned the filter thoroughly. Upon putting it all back together, throwing in some shock and giving it a few hours, along with a 1/5 pool water dump and replace, it's looking clear again.

Thank you for all of the advice. I'll move to sand in the near future so the rinse and dump cycles actually work.

Original message:
I wasn't sure which group to shove this in, I went for home improvement as this needs serious improvement.

To be honest, with how green it is, maybe enviro would have been even better.

I have an above ground 5800l pool, which I put up during the summer for the kids. This year I decided to go with Bromine in a float. I'm using the standard slow disjsolve capsules from Everclear. I chose Bromine as one of the kids has quite sensitive skin. I started out with the winder float, 6 tabs slowly dissolving. I gave it a couple of days and realised I didn't have strips to test, so I ordered some.

In this time, with lots of abuse, a very warm season for England and probably half a metric ton of sun cream, the water was looking a bit cloudy. No biggy, the great Flow Clear 800Gal/h sand filter would be helping... It didn't seem to be. The water went from cloudy to slightly green at the bottom. The algae was arriving.

I dipped a stick: bromine didn't even register. Hmmm. I ordered a second float and some algaecide to attack the issue. Two days later, we have 12 tabs in two floats, enough algaecide to clear the Amazon river (I jest), and I leave it to clear. The following day, it's less cloudy, still green tinted and bromine still does not register on the sticks.

Over today's use, it's gotten worse. I've ordered chlorine tabs instead because the bromine is not working. It should have worked. Does anyone know where I went wrong?

Tomorrow, I'll dump half the water (over 2000l down the drain), change the tablets over to chlorine, throw in some more algaecide and let the pump keep on pumping. Hopefully, as it refills, I should get some nice clear water that doesn't have a pH of near 9.

Preface #1: I know the first response with something like this will be "go see a therapist" - I have been in therapy for over a decade now. There are a lot of things it has helped with (specifically trauma-focused), but nihilism is not something I've been able to get help with. The help has ranged from things like "focus on the micro over the macro" (which I think is probably the best advice, but also can be boiled down to "don't think" and I can't not think), to "find religion" (for me at least: religion doesn't breed hope, hope breeds religion), to "I don't know how to help, I can't relate to that" (...not all therapist are good).

Preface #2: I know the quick response to "life is meaningless" is "so make your own!" but I absolutely despise that logic. If everything is meaningless, than that means making your own meaning is meaningless. It's self-defeating in and of itself. That said, I don't really care about "meaning" anyway. I personally view things as "irrelevant", as if you dig deep enough you get to a point where everything is relevant to nothing. And the conclusion to draw from that is: "it's irrelevant that everything is irrelevant" - similar meaning, but checks out logically significantly better to me. But this has it's own problems that I will go in below.

Preface #3: I know the quick response to the inability to enjoy things is "you don't enjoy things because you are depressed." What I'm positing is the inverse, "I no longer enjoy things, and it's causing me to be depressed." I'm very much not saying the former doesn't happen and I've gone through time periods like that. What I am saying is that the latter is also true, and I'm sure that other people who have dealt with depression for decades understands both "My depression is causing this to happen" and "This is causing my depression to flare" happen.

To give quick context for myself: I had become a nihilistic atheist by the time I graduated elementary school; I had a rather traumatic childhood and my official diagnosis is (C-)PTSD and all the offshoots that come from it like depression and anxiety (Bringing up as I recognize myself these are thoughts that, according to the DSM/ICD, would be from someone with mental disorders). This led to things like dropping out of high school and becoming a mute hikikomori. To make a long story short, in my late teens I got to a point of either suicide or completely revamping my life with the belief that enjoyment could be found via actually being social (friends and dating) and proper self-sufficiency/money. I chose the latter for one simple reason: there was nothing to lose, so just trust the process. It took over a decade of constant self improvement, but I became a sociable person part of different clubs and hosting my own parties/gatherings with a very active dating life. I also got my degree in comp sci and have done quite well for myself with that. And a lot on top of that just in terms of trying to make the most out of life.

Unfortunately, none of that actually helped. Having to mask to be able to be social/date is exhausting and frankly people suck, and wasting life working 9-5 one of the most depressing things to me. The reason I bring this up is because I did really fucking try, I tried the stuff that everyone says brings happiness - but it don't. And it's all just so irrelevant.

Over the last half decade or so, I just can't bring myself to care about anything. And I mean anything, even super simple things. I'll talk to people or listening to a song and think "why do I care what you have to say?". I'll watch a movie or read a book and can't keep focus because seriously who cares about these imaginary things some person thought up? People I know die and I'll just think "yeah that happens." And the absolute worst for me was when it came for knowledge. Because knowledge was the thing I always cared above all else. But what does "knowing things" matter if "things" don't matter to me?

Which brings me back to preface #2. Everything is irrelevant, but it's irrelevant that it's irrelevant. Except that society demands relevancy to justify ones own existence within it. It's not possible to live an irrelevant life and be part of society. I personally really only see two options: reject society or embrace absurdism.

Speaking strictly personally, I do not see rejecting society as a means of living an enjoyable life. Mostly because I know it will lead to me living out of my car again, spending my time embracing hedonism via drugs and alcohol to fuel escapism until the end comes. And if in the end I'm just going to fuel escapism, why not just escape to begin with?

Absurdism is mostly what I fed into while "turning my life around". But I do have issues with it. One is how much it feels like the "this is fine" fire meme; it recognizes the problem but then rejects that it's a problem. This is fine if "life" itself is not a problem and you are able to enjoy your time regardless (after all, the problem itself is irrelevant so yeah just reject it as a problem), but then that gets to my second and main issue: if you don't enjoy life, what defense against suicide does absurdism have? Yes there is the whole thing of "suicide just adds to the absurdity by claiming meaning is needed" but that's only if you are committing suicide because life has no meaning. I don't care that life is irrelevant, I care that life fucking sucks. Suicide then is not rejecting the lack of meaning, it's rejecting time spent unenjoyably.

I've been able to get through things being both meaningless and unenjoyable with the belief that things would become enjoyable. Now I'm nearly 40 years old, things have played out, and I do not buy into it anymore. Either life needs to be enjoyable, or there needs to be some relevancy to it. Which, I reject the later as even being knowable as a human. Which leaves the former.

Which then comes to the silly question, how do you just enjoy things?

I am able to recognize one of my issues with enjoying things: In order to raise my emotional floor, I have embraced being stoic. Things happen that are out of our control. Things are lost, hardships are had, people die. They are simply facts of life. The problem is that it also prevents enjoying things - enjoyable things are also out of your control, so do not embrace them for they will be gone. Which, moments in time then neither "good" or "bad", they simple are just moments in time. Every moment is simply some indefinite, irrelevant moment in time.

Which, kind of tied to that as well, but another issue I recognize: as I have understood my own trauma and how it's affected me, I've really understood just how much is deterministic in life. Which is especially sad in the case of trauma responses, and how much society basically double downs on the trauma (just easy eg of how "hysterical women" have been treated throughout history, but look at the overlap of BPD and traumatic childhoods).

But now these are not just moments in time, but determined yet irrelevant moments in time.

But that still doesn't preclude enjoying things. And I guess that's mostly what I'm for the search for in life, to figure out what things I actually enjoy/how to actually enjoy things I want to enjoy. Because enjoying life is certainly enough, but that requires life to be enjoyable.

And it's actually part of why I'm even posting this. With all the different ways I've changed my life and such, I've tried to look back at what was actually enjoyable. And long-form text communication is definitely the way I prefer to communicate (oh do I miss when 'social media' was forums). I also recognize the importance of being part of more smaller, tighter-knit communities compared to being a blob in a mass. So it's part looking for help, and part just trying to get back into posting on smaller communities.

But I also feel like I'm all over the place and I do apologize for that. I think to try to summarize to bring the points clearer...like I said before, life either needs to be enjoyable or there needs to be some kind of relevancy to it. So either how do you find relevancy/where am I wrong on that, or how do you find enjoyment (and I don't mean "try new hobbies until you find what you enjoy!" kind of stuff - I've already ran that gauntlet. I'm not asking where to find enjoyment, I'm asking how to feel enjoyment; how are you able to care about things might be a better war to phrase it)?

Hello,

I am thinking of perhaps purchasing the vehicle mentioned in my title, is there recommended maintenance suggestions that should be done other than what can be found in Lexus's car care recommendations or something that would be found in the drivers manual? Anything unusual to watch out for? Any particular brand of motor oil that would be best? etc.

Thanks

I'm probably buying inlines soon to be able to ride together with my son. From the last time I had inlines, about 20 years ago, I remember that taking them on and off was a real pain, both really slow, and you ended up without any shoes, so if you wanted to enter a store for example it was often better to walk there than using the inlines. Is there anything out there today that solves those problems?

I guess I could buy some lightweight shoes to bring along, but the swapping still takes a lot of time and is a bit cumbersome. Any other tips would also be nice.

Hi Tilerinos!

Is there an app that has most or all of the train timetables across Europe? When I was in the UK on my last trip, I found Train Times. It looks like the app was entirely redesigned since I used it, but at first glance it seems similar. I would like a similar app for Europe:

• Simple with no bloat (I don’t need the app to buy tickets, in fact, I would prefer if it couldn’t)
• Be able to look up a station and view all departing and arriving trains, no matter the destination
• Have live updates for delays and cancellations
• Reasonably priced subscription is fine (and expected because of the delay and cancellation info)
• Preferably not associated with any particular train company
• Covers most of Europe (although an app for just France, or specific countries, would also be appreciated)

Anyone here know of an app like that? I know it’s a big ask, but I am hoping some indie developer has made a nice app like this. Thanks!

Unless I'm missing something in my search queries, Google ain't coming up with anything. I'm trying to look for samples of printouts from emails (hosts are irrelevant) made in the early 2000's. It's for a novel project. While I have a vague idea of what kind of layout is needed, it's one thing to guess, and another to actually see it. Any leads?

This is something I’ve been wondering for a year or so now… If political polls (US specific ones in my case) and surveys are a significant way our politicians are deciding what they should support or what the media decides to talk about should I be filling out surveys I’m spam texted during election season?

If so, should I fill out every single one? Half of them? Only the ones that I don’t feel are politically biased? Or maybe, especially the ones that are biased to try and somehow counteract the bias?

What do you all do?
Is there a list of “official polls” that I should seek out if they don’t decide to text me about it?
Is spending time filling out every single one justified, or am I just inviting more text spam by not blocking and moving on?

Lately I've been interested in different types of narrative structures, namely upon discovering Kishōtenketsu, the Japanese four-act structure and how it contrasts to the traditional western three-act structure.

Obviously narrative is not an exact science, and these structures are best thought of as guide rails to get you started, and a story can be told in so many unique ways. Which brings me to this post's title: The Bear.

The Bear has strong themes revolving around family and personal growth, that's for certain, but when it comes to narrative, it is very unique. Episode length can vary quite a bit, and so too can episode content. Episode 1 of the most recent season was a time-bending, heartstring-tugging montage. Episode 2 was essentially just a single conversation.

And while there are some episodes with a traditional narrative structure with a clear beginning, climax, and ending, I would say most episodes steer away from this concept. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that any sort of resolution is very rare in this show. Episodes, or even entire seasons can pass without many of the major conflicts or problems being resolved, which certainly adds to the high-pressure, anxiety-inducing mantra of the show as a whole.

I'd say The Bear leans heavily into the Slice of Life trope. Where we're being invited into brief glimpses of the lives of the characters, where relationships are complicated, problems aren't always solved, and life is simply messy and unorganized. The Bear doesn't follow any sort of formula that audiences would find satisfying (but that certainly doesn't mean it isn't enjoyable).

So, back to the question in the title. Does anyone know where I might read or learn more about the type of narrative structure that The Bear employs? Is there even a name for it? As innovative as the show is, is still has this certain air of nostalgia that reminds me a lot of Sopranos, which is another show that I believe breaks the mold of traditional story structure, especially in an episodic format.

Any insight would be greatly appreciated! Enjoy your day, and godspeed.

This is my cry for help.

I'm a newer programmer who just got hired for my first actual programming job a few months ago. Before now the only things I really made were simple python scripts that handled database operations at my last job. I live in an area with no opportunities, and so this new job I got is my saving grace at this point. For the first time in my life I can have actual savings and can actually work on moving to an area with opportunities. However...

Everything is falling apart. I have no idea how this place has survived this long. There is no senior dev for me to go to. There are no code reviews. There is no QA. There is a spiderweb of pipelines with zero error handling or data-checking. Bugs are frequent and go undetected. The database has no keys or constraints, and was designed by a madman (so it's definitely not normalized whatsoever). I already have made a bunch of little scripts handling data-parsing tasks that are used in prod, and I've had to learn proper logging and notifications on errors along the way, and have still yet to learn how to do real tests (I ordered a book on pytest that I plan on going through). I am so paranoid that at any moment something I made does something unexpected and destroys things (which... kinda actually happened already).

We're in the long and arduous process of moving away from this terrible system to a newer, better-designed one but I'm already just so lost and... lonely? There's a few separate dev "teams" but one is outsourced and the other is infamously unapproachable and works on a completely different domain. There's no one there to catch me if/when I make mistakes except myself. The paranoia I have over my programs is really getting to me and already affecting my health.

I guess I just want advice on what I should do in this situation. Is this a normal first experience? I care deeply about making sure the things I make are good and functional but I also don't have the experience to forsee potential issues that may come up due to how I'm designing things. And how can I cope with the paranoia I'm feeling?

EDIT: It takes me a while to write responses, but I want everyone to know that I really appreciate all your advice and kind words. It does mean a lot to me! I'm doing my best to take in what everyone has said and am working on making the best of an atypical situation. I'm chronically hard on myself, but I'm gonna try to give myself a bit more grace here. Again, thanks so much for all the thoughtful replies from everyone. :)

I've been looking at job postings at tech companies. Many of them have pretty bad Glassdoor reviews
(and I tried pretty hard to play Devil's Advocate while reading!). I think there's no perfect company out there. Still, I notice a lot of mentions of overvaluation, layoffs / diminishing culture, stressed employees / long hours, insurmountable tech debt, junior / inexperienced leadership, "toxic" culture, Hire-to-Fire 15% PIP cultures, etc. I feel differently about a lot of companies I used to aspire to join.

In the midst of all that, I also then see small startups. 10, 20 people. It sounded like way too much work at first, but I know some people who seem pretty fulfilled by such a setup and not (visibly) half as stressed as I was at a ~70 person mismanaged startup (although engineering headcount was pretty small). Some part of me wonders if a small company, even of strangers, would actually be less stress because we wouldn't yet have made the mistakes on culture mismatch, growing headcount, adding features to get growth that may never come, etc.

edit: adding clarification

Oh yes, to be totally clear-- a lot of the Glassdoors / Blinds were actually for large tech companies, including but not limited to "startups" originating from 10 years ago. Some were also smedium sized (~6 years old, ~50 people, typically Series A or earlier) so had been doing the startup thing long enough where you can see the team is starting to fray.

In my post, it's basically a slightly unhealthy comparison between older companies that have had lots of time to screw up, and companies that have not yet publicly or irrevocably screwed up (the small, new startups). Of course, I'm then kind of assuming I won't be the reason something fails when I totally could be lol.

Does anyone else find themselves in the loop of always starting a new project? Of looking up tips and tricks to clean their room but then never get around to the actual cleaning? You want to buy just this one extra thing and THAT will change everything (spoiler: it doesn't). If I could just make a schedule for myself, then I could...

That's the "getting started" loop. Where you're always looking for the newest, so-called solution without enacting any of them.

Disclaimer: I have diagnosed ADHD and take Vyvanse Monday-Friday. But ADHD meds aren't a magical panacea. I'm a less anxious person. I'm able to get my work done. I've got the basics covered. But my personal life is really...neglected? I'm certainly not thriving. I don't have a good role model for what "adulting" looks like. Yknow the people who have thriving social lives, who can do their laundry without procrastinating, who get their butts into the gym without overthinking it.

I have so many hopes and dreams from being able to finally cleaning up my room and keeping it organized to wanting to stream and make videos for Youtube. I want to go back to school. But I am so afraid of change and not doing a good job, of not doing it perfectly, that I just don't start anything.

How do you avoid the loop?

Tilderinos! I've been using a carbon steel wok for about two years. Whenever I have any recipe that involves throwing a sauce in - which is pretty much every stir fry I use it for - I suddenly have an awful time of trying to clean it afterwards. Last night after doing this it was still pretty crusty, and I'm still getting crud off as I wipe it.

If you're not supposed to use soap to prevent ruining the patina, how do you clean it properly? I see all sorts of advice ranging from water to not using water...

As the title says. If you're in the UK at the moment then you will invariably have a slug fest issue. The weather has been perfect for them to go crazy breeding.

I'm posting this under home improvement, I need to remove these pests to improve my home. They're starting to climb the house to get to the moist areas of damp located in the far roof section, and I'm in a decent sized semi-detached.

We started with salt around the house regularly, that has helped. My veggie patch is under attack. I've tried the copper wire and tape - there are trails across it as they don't care. Yesterday, 8 beer traps arrived. I set them up, however I didn't have any beer and opted for cider and white wine. In case you are trying this, slugs don't seem to be affected by a splash of Pinot Grigio, so don't bother. However, the cider traps had double digits in both. Tonight, the same 8 traps are out with cider and after a walk around the garden, I can see they like it a lot. However, there are still hundreds of the bastard things out there.

What are your proven methods to fend the mollusks off? Trap or pellet? Do you hunt them down and melt them in a bucket? Help!