My only living parent has between one and five days left to live. The parent is unable to speak now and has had dementia for the last 5 years and will not recognize who I am if I go visit now in these final hours.

They live a few thousand miles away from me; it would be expensive to go and money is painfully tight right now with my partner unexpectedly unemployed and struggling to get a job comparable to the job just lost.

I’m somewhat estranged from this parent. The short version is this parent is a narcissist and really didn’t show up when I was growing up, or at any point in my adult life, or really at any point when it mattered. Despite this person being a really crappy parent, they exerted a massive gravitational pull in my life through many decades—basically, this parent loomed very large for far too long given the extreme narcissism, albeit much less so in the last decade or two. (Dementia and my coming to terms with it all and caring less and time and my having my own kids and my starting my own family all being some sort of salve.)

I have one very close friend who is telling me that it is critical to go before this parent dies because being present while they are still living will give me a kind of closure and unexpected resolutions that I cannot even anticipate now. This friend is quite adamant that going is critical for personal growth.

A different close friend says that going while the person is still alive is a complete waste and that I should go for the funeral instead where I can see other relatives and connect with my sibling and other relatives and deepen those relationships which (the friend says) will be a momentous transition point for us all, creating a better sense of family than any of us could have ever had while this person was alive. This friend insists that the healing and closure is identical pre-death and post-death, but that the extra emotional burden of seeing someone dying will derail me and never be able to be “unseen.” This person thinks spending money on two trips is foolish, so the one trip to go on is for the memorial. FWIW, My sibling is only going for the memorial.

Even if money were no object, I’m not sure I could emotionally handle going twice. I suppose I can, but that’s very time intensive and I have young kids myself who need me and for whom it would be a strain if I were gone for too long. I’ve already said it, but I have to say it again: money is really tight Going twice feels possible, but extremely difficult

I guess what I’m really trying to understand, if my feelings for this parent are presently ambivalence that grew over a decade or two from what was formerly extreme anger and hurt, is there something meaningful about going while the parent is still alive? Is there something important that happens before the person dies that is in someway healing or transformative or valuable? Is it more important to instead go when my sibling is going? Should I max the credit card and go twice? Should I risk infuriating and deeply damaging my relationships with my extended family and not go at all to save money? (This last option seems wrong, but it is a possibility, so I feel like it at least deserves considering.)

Friends of Tildes, what did you gain or lose from seeing a relative in hospice? What thoughts and wisdom do you have to share around moments like these?

Thank you in advance for sharing your stories. I’m sure your collective wisdom will help me make a better choice.

Have you watched any TV shows recently you want to discuss? Any shows you want to recommend or are hyped about? Feel free to discuss anything here.

Please just try to provide fair warning of spoilers if you can.

This thread is posted weekly - please try to post all relevant US political content in here, such as news, updates, opinion articles, etc. Extremely significant events may warrant a separate topic, but almost all should be posted in here.

This is an inherently political thread; please try to avoid antagonistic arguments and bickering matches. Comment threads that devolve into unproductive arguments may be removed so that the overall topic is able to continue.

What have you been listening to this week? You don't need to do a 6000 word review if you don't want to, but please write something! If you've just picked up some music, please update on that as well, we'd love to see your hauls :)

Feel free to give recs or discuss anything about each others' listening habits.

You can make a chart if you use last.fm:

http://www.tapmusic.net/lastfm/

Remember that linking directly to your image will update with your future listening, make sure to reupload to somewhere like imgur if you'd like it to remain what you have at the time of posting.

Find yourself watching tons of great videos on [insert chosen video sharing platform], but also find yourself reluctant to flood the Tildes front page with them? Then this thread is for you.

It could be one quirky video that you feel deserves some eyeballs on it, or perhaps you've got a curated list of videos that you'd love to talk us through...

Share some of the best video content you've watched this past week/fortnight with us!

After the debacle with Reddit, Twitter, et al some of my friends an I decided to stop posting to corporate walled gardens and instead focus on sharing and co-creating.

I remember reading about modern alternatives for WebRings two years ago, but can't for the life of me find them or remember what they were called! Tiny web? TinyRing? SmallWeb? Does this ring a bell for some of you?

Alternatively, I'd appreciate if you could share ideas and approaches to alternative/indy syndication or agreggation.

Thanks !

EDIT: ding ding ding https://indieweb.org/Micro.blog

Here's the initial email I received on September 19th:

Subject: Notice of AI Processing, How to Opt Out of AI Processing, and Updates to Our Terms and Privacy Policy

We are writing to let you know that as of September 18th, 2024, we have updated our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy to include the use of Artificial Intelligence ("AI") technology from OpenAI to produce Optery's Removals Reports. The AI will improve the speed and accuracy of our Removals Reports.

We will begin rolling out AI Removals Reports in the coming weeks, starting with our Extended plan customers. After AI Removals Reports have been rolled out for all Extended plan customers, then we will begin rolling them out to our Ultimate plan customers. Core and Free Basic plan users are not eligible at this time.

If you would like to learn more about how Optery will be utilizing AI for generating Removals Reports or how to opt out of your information from being sent to Open AI for Removals Report processing, please read this article on our Help Desk.

Below is a summary:

• When Removals Reports are processed with the help of AI, only the screenshots and data necessary to process the screenshots are sent to OpenAI.

• After the Removals Report is created, all screenshots and accompanying data are immediately deleted from OpenAI.

• Optery does not send screenshots or data for any other customers when processing a Removals Report, and does not provide any screenshots or any data to OpenAI for training AI models.

• If you do not want your information sent to OpenAI, you can opt out of Removals Reports at any time using the Report Preferences toggle on your Account page.

By continuing to use our products and services, you agree to our updated Terms of Service and Privacy Policy.

This is a required communication sent to all Optery account holders, which is why you are receiving this message even if you have previously opted out of marketing and promotional emails.

Here's the follow-up email I received today:

AI Processing Policy Update

We’ve been carefully considering feedback following Thursday's update regarding the use of AI processing technology for creating Removals Reports.

We remain committed to extending our product leadership through industry-leading innovation, but in retrospect we should have released the new AI Processing feature as "opt in" rather than "opt out". In our eagerness to provide the benefits of this new feature, we overlooked the fact that many of our customers have significant concerns with AI, and with companies such as OpenAI. We sincerely apologize for this mistake.

In the early hours this morning we reverted all accounts back to “Internal Processing” for Removals Reports, and going forward all customers must manually opt in to “AI Processing” from their Account page. We believe this approach strikes the right balance between those customers who prefer AI Processing with those who do not.

Our Help Desk articles on AI Processing and Internal Processing have been updated with this new policy.

Below is a summary:

• If you would like to opt in to AI Processing for your Removals Reports, please navigate to the Removals Reports Preferences section of your Account page.

• If you would like to opt out of AI Processing for your Removals Reports, no action is required as all users were reverted back to Internal Processing this morning.

• AI Processing is for the Processing of Removals Reports for Extended and Ultimate plan customers only. Core and Free Basic customers are not eligible at this time.

• AI Processing provides greater accuracy, and has the added benefit of providing highly intelligent feedback for identifying exposed profiles, thereby also increasing removals effectiveness, which is Optery's ultimate purpose.

• Optery does not provide any screenshots or any data for training AI models, and after a Removals Report is created with AI Processing, all screenshots and accompanying data are immediately deleted from OpenAI.

• Internal Processing provides a closed environment inside Optery's proprietary systems for processing Removals Reports and does not utilize third-party systems such as OpenAI. The tradeoff is reduced accuracy and removals effectiveness as compared to AI Processing.

Our customers are at the center of everything we do at Optery. We value the trust you place in us when signing up for our services, and we take that responsibility and your expectations very seriously.

This is a required policy update sent to all Optery account holders, which is why you are receiving this message even if you have previously opted out of marketing and promotional emails.

Tildes is a very serious site, where we discuss very serious matters like usps, obituaries and pagers. Tags culled from the highest voted topics from the last seven days, if anyone was nosey.

But one of my favourite tags happens to be offbeat! Taking its original inspiration from Sir Nils Olav III, this thread is looking for any far-fetched offbeat stories lurking in the newspapers. It may not deserve its own post, but it deserves a wider audience!

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I've been friends with someone for 18 months that seems to be taking the friendship in an inappropriate direction. Well, it started inappropriate as well.

At my last job we all sat in cubicles. One day, having just led my ornithologist brother on a small bird tour of the area, I described the trip to a co-worker. Someone I'd never noticed before popped up from behind a cube wall and started asking questions. She introduced herself and for the next few days continued to strike up conversations with me.

After a certain amount of this I wondered if this was a romantic interest from her. I was already counting the days until I would quit the job so saw little reason not to ask her out for a drink. When I proposed the idea she gave me a devious smile and we quietly headed out. Afterwards, in the settling of the tab, I Venmo'd her for a beer and noticed her Venmo account had a different last name than she has at work and asked about that. She's Chinese and I wasn't sure if sometimes Chinese people might have an anglicized last name in addition to their first name. "Oh, sometimes I use one, sometimes the other" was all I got. Nothing physical occurred or was initiated.

A week later after texting and going to a company workout class together she tells me that she is married. I'm absolutely shocked and feel like I've been used as part of someone's adulterous fantasy. The style of our conversations seemed identical to the getting-to-know-you type of stuff you cover on first dates. But I wasn't sure. Maybe I misread the situation. I tell her I'm not comfortable with the situation and we stop talking for a week. But I'd already joined the group workout class on her recommendation and would see her there anyway. I decided that I didn't really know what her intentions were and would give her the benefit of the doubt. She seemed to be interested in us having a friendship.

But I really wanted to know... what did happen? One of my favorite podcasts is Heavyweight. In it, Jonathan Goldstein plays the role of a social detective. People come to him with relationship issues from their past and he, without the restraint most people feel, badgers people for answers with his journalistic skills. I suspect I am mildly autistic, so for me many mundane social interactions carry mystery. To have Goldstein take relatable life experiences and crack them open for all to see is powerful. It's like we can finally get some goddamn answers to people's closest kept secrets.

So as time went on I got integrated into her group of friends, met her husband, her dog. Her husband seems like a great guy. But my friend would give indications of unhappiness in her marriage, often in groups when he was not around, occasionally over text message to me. I never engaged.

She had some hard-to-get permits for a backpacking trip. It would be a trip of four. Her husband was not interested so she invited three friends including myself. I went on the trip, made a new friend who just moved to my city, and had a great time. Immediately afterwards we started planning a new trip.

At some point my female friend did initiate a conversation on what she was thinking when we went out for a drink and what happened during the days after before she told me she was married. It boiled down to her wanting my friendship but not wanting to change my behavior. In my interpretation she wanted the attention of being dated. I honestly wasn't sure how much I believed this explanation - and even on its face it didn't sound super great.

So we just got back from another backpacking trip - myself, my female friend, and a male friend of hers who is married. During the trip I ended up discussing my sexuality with the two of them. I consider myself to be on the spectrum of asexuality. I described, as best I could, what makes me attracted to people (an emotional connection, their personality and intelligence, etc.) and the short list of people I had found myself strongly attracted to. I didn't list my female friend - I had lost most of my interest with that initial feeling of being used a year and a half ago. And a couple weeks isn't quite enough time for me to really get things revved up. Visibly I could see she was very confused but I didn't acknowledge her reaction. "Wasn't there one more ... the married one?" I dodged the question.

On the drive back her male friend brought up the topic of my sexuality again. I answered his questions. My female friend seemed to again want to know if I was attracted to her. "Do you ever find your friends attractive?" "Are you attracted to older women?" (she's older than me)

On my side of things, this friendship has been predicated on the idea that as long as I didn't engage with anything I consider to be unethical there couldn't be any harm done. But now I'm not so sure. And what's worse - I'm finding myself attracted to her again because of her interest.

I've been thinking about having a conversation about how she's making me uncomfortable. I think it's past the point where there's any chance nothing's going on. I really do not get the impression she's trying to leave her husband. I just feel played with.

Edit: Okay, the friend in question is away for a few weeks but I'll have a conversation with them when they get back to figure this out.

I've thought about this off and on for like a year.

It, as far as I know, seems well documented that populations are struggling with dating and marriages, especially in the younger generations. A lot of people attribute it to things like finances, working hours, cost of living, etc, but also the abysmal online dating circus. People don't seem to go out with the intention of meeting people as much, and so most turn to apps like Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge. But with these apps basically monopolized by the Match group, and none of the parent companies have an actual incentive to get people off the app, it seems like a ripe opportunity for governments everywhere to try and fill in the gap.

As they don't have the investor profit motive, but they do have a very strong motive for people to get together, have relationships, marriages, eventually babies. And this is just a baseless claim on my part, but I imagine it could be stimulating to local economies as more people go on dates. I know at least my ass doesn't go anywhere really when I'm single.