[Rant? Vent? Musing?] I've become a surprisingly judgemental semi-sober person

vingtcinqunvingtcinq
2025-08-10T13:42:09Z

This is a discussion on recreational substance use with illegal substances.

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Pre-college / independent living, I thought most people simply drank, and maybe did weed. No one smokes unless you're 'European' (to be broad about it). Pre-covid, I thought most (young, partying) people just did alcohol, cocaine, and maybe weed (plus, again, the Europeans with the cigarettes). Post-covid, it seems that everyone has a few drinks only, but does weed edibles, nicotine vapes, increasingly partial servings / 'tabs' of Molly, Ketamine. Every few months, someone will be doing mushrooms or LSD. We range from 29-40 in age.

(I know this isn't 'everyone' and also simply a sampling of the subculture near me.)

I was a social drinker, so I largely sobered up easily and quickly during COVID, and I also started to work out. Fast forward those trends five (five, can you believe it??) years, and I have maybe 5 drinks this whole calendar year. I've had probably 15mg of edibles this whole calendar year, and 1 mushroom microdose (I simultaneously felt and did not feel this). This wasn't without total cost; I don't socialize as easily and don't have a means for getting myself in the mood to be with people, the way being tipsy could ply you into a good time. People feel somewhat rejected, too, when I don't want to share a high together; to them, it's bonding when to me, I see it as a commitment to 4+ excruciating hours of my mind being annoyed that my body and impulses are trying to defy it, plus a hangover. (Additionally, I worry about the unknowns that come accompanied with unregulated substances and new substances, like contamination / inauthentic product or psychosis.)

Amidst this health kick, I find myself having become more conscious of the way my body feels. When I live really well, I feel fantastic. Sleeping well? Incredible. Eating healthily? Amazing. No strange substances for my liver to fight? Perfect. Toss in an inherently fulfilling routine, and I wake up every day with the capacity for happiness, clarity, and control over my life. Some people laud things like the 'death of the ego' you might get with psilobiclin, but I love my ego. I think it's pretty smart and thoughtful. I understand power over self can psychologically choke you out, but honestly, I like it? Disrupted sleep kills me for days. The 'microdose'? Feels like it left me flat and depressed after an initial peppy 1-2 days.

Mental health has been a struggle for me all my life. To be stable and content, if somewhat flat, is it's own happiness. I never learned how to be 'happy' in the way that you find joy in things your brain genuinely has no interest in even when 99% of people do; I gave up on mourning that. However, I have learned that my body is a temple to be maintained for my spirit / mind. When I neglect it a little too long or hard, it spirals, and my mind goes with it. But when I rake its leaves, neaten its shelves, and polish its statues, it can look so beautiful, that I feel beautiful just existing with it.

Last night, I felt incredibly pleased just feeling the fur of a dog on my lap as I ran my hands over him, not dissimilar to the same feeling on substances, but with the mental clarity to recall the way it felt to my hands. I never used to have the capacity to notice how wonderful these things are until this last year or so, and these moments of simple, pure joy are rare. But despite people and (liberal) society at large insisting that substances are how you gain clarity or essential perspective, I can't help but now feel skeptical that these substances are really doing anything of note. Most of my friend group is maintaining very functional lives despite substance use, which I credit to either me not knowing them well or responsible usage. A few seem to use them too frequently / heavily (e.g. molly, or mixing drugs) or for the 'wrong' reasons (e.g., "feeling off"), and I can't help but notice that either their behavior on substances leads to a major conflict or they get into major conflict within 2 weeks after. It is hard for me to not feel like these problems are created by drugs, or that the fallout hanging over their heads is worsened by how I imagine they feel emotionally but can no longer elucidate to themselves. A friend of mine was concerned that I started feeling sleepy at 8pm, when I had never felt better. I never realized not feeling like shit every day was an option until I got my lifestyle together, and I wonder if they can feel that in themselves.

This was mostly a ramble, on disrupted sleep from some surprise caffeine last night. I would be curious to hear if people have observed similar substance use in their social groups and whatever else.

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