I don't know how to move

monarda
2019-11-20T03:26:04Z

I'm doing really well in all my classes. On assignments that were given at the beginning of the quarter with due dates as part of finals, I have diligently worked on them every week. I even let go of being a perfectionist by time constraining tasks and being okay with whatever I had produced. And yet I am now stuck. Immobile.

I didn't go to school today. I think it's because I have a presentation tomorrow. I've had the presentation completed more or less for a couple of weeks. I've timed it, and can say all the words, and get all the things out to an empty living room. But as soon as someone else is in the room, I stumble and forget everything, even with my flashcards in front of me. I can't even read the text as in my eyes can not focus.

So today I was just going to practice more. But I didn't. I skipped classes, got shitfaced, passed out at some point, and woke up with no interest in anything.

I'm pretty sure I will go to school tomorrow, but there's a part of me that thinks it's just to much to ask of me to be in front of people and I don't want to look dumb, I don't want to ummm and forget and be boring. And then I missed classes and I will be a liar about why, and I hate liars. And I don't want to go, and I didn't practice today when I should have and I got drunk instead, and I don't have much patience for drunks. I AM NOT LIKING MYSELF AT THE MOMENT, and what happens if I don't go tomorrow? I could fade away from everywhere and no one would ever know, but me. And that bites because I would never let me live it down.

If you have any words of wisdom, I would love to hear from you, even if I don't respond because I'll be embarrassed that I hit send on this.

Edit: Wisdom isn't necessarily what I am looking for (though if you have it, I want it). I also want to know if you ever felt similar and what did you do.

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