GoDaddy Customer Newsletter - A Poem

imperialismus
2019-10-07T07:42:54Z

A few years ago I got a rather self-congratulatory email from GoDaddy, the domain host, about all the amazing things that their customers do, apparently. Here is a representative excerpt: "One of the clearest lessons we've learned is that the one word to describe you best is 'courageous.' You go after what you really love, you chart your own course, and you create something (often from nothing) that usually makes the world a better place."

I found this rather silly coming from a corporation that hosts fucking domain names. So I was inspired to write the following poem:

1.

Dear Firstname Lastname

earlier this year we embarked on an effort to learn more about you

what makes you so incredibly unique

and the values you all have in common

we learned an equal amount about ourselves

you go after what you really love

you chart your own course

you create something

(often from nothing)

whether it’s

a neighborhood pizza shop

an organization to help those in need

or a company poised to launch a new industry

you believe where others don’t

you have the guts to strike out on your own

that’s courage

and it’s worth every ounce of support we can give

you’ll always be able to pick up the phone and talk to someone 24/7

sincerely

semi-legible signature

digitally scanned

followed by a name typeset in Arial

and a twitter handle

2.

i don’t create

neighborhood pizza shops

organizations to help those in need

or companies poised to launch a new industry

my values are not your values

i have a blog

it has a domain name

which i pay you to maintain

that is the extent

of our relationship

i will go cry in a corner now ok

sincerely

a customer

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