I'm 25 and yesterday I came out for the first time in real life..!

smoontjes
Sat, 24 Nov 2018 15:03:08 +0000

I never talked to anyone in real life about it before yesterday, and even though it was really, really difficult, I'm glad that I pulled through.

I had a meeting with a nurse and a doctor at the psychiatric wing of a hospital, but for other reasons - I have a lot of mental health issues so I keep in touch with them in case I have a breakdown or whatever. That way I won't spiral completely out of control; they can catch me. So anyway, after meeting with said nurse and doctor which was a rather quick meeting, I asked my nurse (who is sorta my contact there) if she had a moment for a one-on-one conversation. She thankfully did and we went to her office. I was pretty anxious all along and once we sat down, I could barely even speak because I kept losing my composure, and my voice was super shaky and I nearly cried.

But I managed to get through it, and told her how I'd seen a short film a couple of days ago that made me burst into tears. How I'd been questioning for years at this point, how I'd always felt out of place and like I was the odd one out. How maybe it's all sorts of things, but perhaps it's because I'm trans.

Not to sound arrogant or anything, but I'm really proud of myself for having the guts to do it. I wouldn't have been able to do that just one year ago. She did say that I was cool/tough for being able to say it out loud and honestly she was the best about it! No judging, no nonsense, no crap. She said all the right things and was really empathetic and understanding despite not at all being qualified for this kind of thing.

So basically what came out of it is that it really felt good to talk to someone face to face. She said she didn't know what to do, but she knew how to find out - which is of course all that I could ask! She's gonna get in touch with a different hospital that has a sexology department (don't know if that's a thing in other countries, I don't know the English name for it sorry). And then she's gonna call me on Monday with her findings!

I still don't know if I'm trans though. I feel like I might be, considering the way I could barely even speak when talking about it out loud. But maybe I'm non-binary too - that's why I'm hoping to get to talk to someone from the sexology clinic. Perhaps they know what questions to ask... I'm also moving in two weeks and I have two exams in that very same week, within 24 hours of one another. But the number one thing on my mind is the above... I think that's pretty telling.

Thank you for reading <3

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