bilbodwyer's recent activity

  1. Comment on What's the cheapest food that makes you really happy? in ~talk

    bilbodwyer
    Link
    Baked beans on toast, a British delicacy. Heat half a can per person of (preferably) Heinz baked beans on the hob Add a little black pepper, butter, and Worcestershire sauce if you're feeling...

    Baked beans on toast, a British delicacy.

    1. Heat half a can per person of (preferably) Heinz baked beans on the hob
    2. Add a little black pepper, butter, and Worcestershire sauce if you're feeling fancy
    3. Toast two slices of bread per person, butter liberally
    4. Cut one slice into triangles, and place either side of the whole slice
    5. Pour the heated beans onto the central slice
    6. Devour

    Extra toast is fine if you want to be able to mop up the sauce. If you're really willing to spend the extra Sterling, poach an egg and place that atop your bean mound. Alternatively, grate some cheddar cheese onto the beans and give it a (very) quick blast under the grill to melt the cheese sufficiently.

    4 votes

  2. Comment on Looking for "gender questioning" content and personal experiences in ~lgbt

    bilbodwyer
    Link Parent
    Sorry for the very delayed response! I've been moving house, so haven't logged into Tildes for long enough to respond to anything in while. So I actually went through the list with my best friend,...

    Sorry for the very delayed response! I've been moving house, so haven't logged into Tildes for long enough to respond to anything in while.

    Reading through this list, there are very few that I would say are written in a way which is not through the lens of a trans perspective or narrative. Can you list a few that you identify with that you aren't sure of the source? Perhaps dissecting a few with an outside observer might be a good exercise.

    So I actually went through the list with my best friend, who is one of the people I'm comfortable experimenting around. Points 1 and 3 in the list I find I relate to, but not necessarily out of "trans-ness." More that I just find/found clothes to be a utility rather than a way of expressing myself. I need a new shirt/hoodie/jeans/pair of shoes? Let's find the first thing that fits and isn't a pattern that I don't like.
    4 & 5 I think I put down more to social awkwardness and lack of self-confidence. I struggle to make small talk, because I fundamentally don't take a lot of interest in other people that I'm not looking to turn into friends. I've certainly felt uncomfortable talking to tradesmen that come to do work on my various homes over the years, as they're working a very traditionally masculine role, and I just don't really know how to communicate with them.
    -3 I think I was driven into music out of feeling somehow "other," or "different," but until recently I've rarely, if ever, wanted to write music about gender. It's just never been something that's on my mind in that way.

    Also, to be fair to the younger trans individuals on these servers, I'd like to point out that many of them can be incredibly insightful and you may learn things from discussions with them.

    You're quite correct, and I hope I didn't come off as dismissive of them. I've found all these spaces to be highly inclusive and welcoming, and there have been many individuals who have given keen insight into how to process all of this. I'm very grateful for it, and as you say, glad that there are spaces online that kids can go to work through all this stuff.

    How much time have you spent in therapy?

    I was in counselling rather than actual therapy for about 18 months when I confessed to my parents that I was depressed. They were generous enough to pay for me to go private (on the NHS it was a 6 month waiting list to get half an hour of over-the-phone therapy every 2 weeks), and I found it incredibly useful. I was able to make some real progress with mental trauma that I experienced when I was 18, and came out of it a much happier individual. I've had a couple of sessions with the same guy discussing my gender identity, but it hasn't felt as incisive and useful just yet.
    I think your second point of trying things out in a more social context is very good, and it's something I'm keen to do. I'm going back to university in September, and plan to join the LGBTQ society there in the hopes of meeting some like-minded people that I can try things out with. One of the things holding me back at the moment is just straight up fear and anxiety over what others (friends, family, and strangers alike) will think, say, and do.

    You need to think less about whether people will reject you and think more about how expressing what you enjoy will allow you to control who's around you and how it will make you feel to be authentic. This is, of course, entirely dependent on your own security and safety and privilege.

    You're right of course, and I'm hoping to find groups that I can go to to feel more comfortable and begin trying this out more publicly. Part of my concern is that I've moved to a new area, where I don't really know any people, and my perception of said area is that it's slightly... rougher than I'm used to. Certainly it's more deprived. I don't yet have a feel for the level of acceptance this place has for queer folks, and that's curtailed my willingness to try things out publicly quite a bit.

    I did it for a variety of reasons, but it would occasionally explode and I would find myself inexplicably drawn towards the idea of heavy crossplay for a day or two. I'd go full out on makeup and dress as girly as possible because I was not regularly expressing my femme side in smaller ways. When I figured this out I redefined into non-binary (I previously thought of myself as some form of gender fluid) because I didn't have a good way to explain how I felt or how I wanted to express.

    I really feel this, my god. I've been feeling the peak drop back down over the past couple of weeks, possibly due to the move. But it seems like a really good way to explain what I've been doing: bottling and then releasing on a constant cycle. Although now that I'm playing with other aspects of feminine expression (hair, makeup, nails etc) I don't feel like it's completely settled back down. I may have found a "new normal."

    In case no one has told you this yet, you don't need to experience dysphoria to be trans. You don't need to experience euphoria to be trans. You don't have to know from childhood to be trans.

    I've heard this a lot, but there's a part of me that wishes I were feeling dysphoria (and that I knew that that's what it was) more palpably so I'd have more to go on that just vague feelings when I have time to sit and really think on what I'm doing/feeling. At its core, that's just a desire for certainty in general though. I'd love for someone to come along and just tell me "this is what you are," at this stage.

    I just want to point out that not being a man makes you trans (by definition, please feel free to reject this label if you do not vibe), and you don't have to identify with being a woman (or trans woman) to be trans either. You can define yourself as simply 'not a man' if you wish, and is a label I actually jokingly adopted for awhile as a way to express how I felt before I decided on non-binary.

    To be honest I've definitely been feeling "not a man," more than I have trans. But that might be down to the cultural baggage that comes from living on TERF Island and not wanting to draw attention to myself as a target for questioning and ridicule, when I haven't figured any of this stuff out for myself yet, let alone being able to explain it to a transphobe (or even someone who's just not in the know).

    Thank you for your long and considered answer, I'm really thankful you took the time to type your response. Hearing/reading others' stories is really helpful to put my own into perspective (hence the original topic), and you've given me a few good things to think about, and discuss with my partner and therapist.

    5 votes

  4. Comment on China allows couples to have three children in ~news

  5. Comment on What features would you add to languages? in ~talk

    bilbodwyer
    Link
    I think miscommunication occurs most when people are using the same word or phrase to mean two slightly different things. For example: my partner says a good film is a film they enjoyed, but I...

    I think miscommunication occurs most when people are using the same word or phrase to mean two slightly different things. For example: my partner says a good film is a film they enjoyed, but I would say a good film is a good piece of art, regardless of whether I enjoyed it or not.
    I don't know how you would begin to overcome this using a change to language other than rigidly defining what every word and combination thereof means, so that everyone is on the same page. And that is prescriptivism at its worst.
    Perhaps the change I would make would not be to language, but to psychology. Ensuring that everyone is aware that any language is not perfect, exact, or well-defined between relationships or dictionaries. And adding a shortcut to conversations (particularly emotionally charged ones) where people can pause to check in and define their terminology before going down a route of high miscommunication.

    4 votes

  6. Comment on Looking for "gender questioning" content and personal experiences in ~lgbt

    bilbodwyer
    Link Parent
    Yes and no. This Twitter thread about things that you didn't realise were dysphoria I found very interesting and enlightening. There are certainly aspects that really rang true for me, over half...
    • Exemplary

    Do you find yourself strongly resonating with anything you've come by so far?

    Yes and no. This Twitter thread about things that you didn't realise were dysphoria I found very interesting and enlightening. There are certainly aspects that really rang true for me, over half of the list, I'd say. Though ultimately I think it's lead to more confusion, because I'm not sure if I can put down some of my struggles to dysphoria, or just being a bit socially awkward and depressed.
    I've been trying to find trans spaces online but it's proving difficult as the demographic tends to skew younger and very US-centric. The landscape for being trans in the UK is quite different (informed consent when?) and as someone that has left puberty and fled the parental nest, the conversations don't always feel like something I can include myself in because I'm at a different stage in my life.

    In my case, however, I do not really experience dysphoria and my brain didn't adjust the way I perceived myself. There is no dissociation (I'm actually not sure I can dissociate at all, actually) between what I see in the mirror and no confusion when people are addressing me.

    I'm not convinced that I experience dysphoria as I understand it. I think part of the trouble I have is that a lot of the trans communities I've come across (Discord and Reddit in the main) are made up of younger people questioning their identity, and who feel dissociation more keenly. I have struggled with my mental health and a sense of "not fitting in" for many years, but I'm finding it hard to know if that can be blamed on gender or if there is some other neurodivergent quirk in my brain that is causing it.
    I do feel some level of dissatisfaction looking at my face and body in the mirror, but again I don't know if that can be put down to dysphoria or just the standard level of wishing you looked a different way that everyone feels?

    I can recognize things which others call dysphoria but many of them do not feel upsetting to me and do not really affect my day to day life. On the euphoria side, its also been difficult for me to recognize that which gives me euphoria.

    Euphoria has been a bit more of a guiding force for me in this journey so far. I've tried a few different things: expressing more femme in clothing, hair, and with some makeup. I've been trying out a different name and pronouns with my housemate and partner as well. All of that has lead to a strong sense of euphoria and satisfaction with presenting in a way which I feel matches my personality. It's lead to me being more in touch with my emotions and set me loose on a big burst of creativity, which again has felt highly euphoric.

    Generally speaking, I'm a very relaxed person who adapts themselves to the environment and situation that I find myself in.

    I can relate to this: I think of myself as quite flexible in that regard and able to fit myself into most spaces and situations. But the more I think on it (and I was talking to my therapist about this the other day), I worry that I've spent so much time bending to others' expectations of me that I've never really had the opportunity to explore my own expectations, if that makes sense?

    What are some of the narratives you possess? What questions are you trying to answer? What are you certain of? What steps have you taken?

    Steps that I've taken so far (as above) are mostly to express in a more feminine way, to try out a different name/pronouns, and to approach my relationships and emotions more authentically. I feel better able to express vulnerability and insecurity around my partner in a way that I didn't before, and that's something I want to hold onto. I feel decidedly UNcertain right now, but I think that's mostly fear about the idea of trying any of this stuff out in a less private way and being rejected.

    I'm trying to work out how far down the rabbit hole I want to go. I'm cautious by nature, and I don't want to do anything too publicly that I'll need to backtrack on because it turns out it doesn't fit. Right now being able to express femme with two people I trust completely has been great, and I am edging towards opening up to a few more close friends. I think the biggest question I have on my mind at the moment is "am I exploring a different gender expression because I actually don't want to be a man, or is it a coping mechanism for dealing with my poor mental health?" And one that surfaced from a session with my therapist the other day: "would it be sufficient to be more fluid with my gender and expression thereof, rather than trading one binary point for another?"

    In terms of my own life and the narrative I've been piecing together over the past few months: I have felt out of place for a very long time, among friends, family, coworkers, and strangers. Of the non-familial relationships in my life, I always find women easier to get on with than men. For the better part of the past 15 years there have been regular spikes in my wanting to play around with my gender expression, which then settle down again, either out of shame, fear, or depression. There are times when I am more uninhibited (substances may or may not be involved) that I do feel like I want to embrace a less masculine nature. I find myself generally kind of jealous of women, in part for the variety in clothing they can wear, but also the way their relationships with each other work (something I've tried and failed to cultivate in my own friendships with men).

    In thinking about the narratives I hold about being trans. I am very aware that I don't think I feel what I would describe as dysphoria, and certainly haven't "known since I was a small child," which appears to be quite a common talking point. And while there are certainly signs in my past that all may not be as masculine as I think, how can I tell if I'm not just trying to find evidence to justify a feeling, and ignoring all the other times when I didn't toy with not being a man?

    Sorry, that's quite a word vomity answer, and I don't know if it's actually that coherent.

    4 votes

  7. Comment on Vaccines: A measured response in ~science

    bilbodwyer
    Link Parent
    Ugh, tell me about it. It's god awful, but people lap it up. Bigotry and ignorance are rampant because of our media, and it's only getting worse.

    Ugh, tell me about it. It's god awful, but people lap it up. Bigotry and ignorance are rampant because of our media, and it's only getting worse.

    7 votes

  8. Comment on Looking for "gender questioning" content and personal experiences in ~lgbt

    bilbodwyer
    Link Parent
    Oooooh boy, I really relate to this. It's been one of the main sources of my confusion and difficulty in processing what I'm feeling - how am I supposed to know if what I feel like is feminine? I...

    found it to be too subjective for me to get to the bottom of. What even is gender, and how do you know which one you are, or feel like?

    Oooooh boy, I really relate to this. It's been one of the main sources of my confusion and difficulty in processing what I'm feeling - how am I supposed to know if what I feel like is feminine? I do feel like I'm making headway though, and certainly the things I've been trying out (mostly) in private with my partner have been bringing me a strong sense of euphoria.

    Thank you for sharing your story, and I'm glad to see it had a happy ending :)

    4 votes

  9. Comment on Looking for "gender questioning" content and personal experiences in ~lgbt

    bilbodwyer
    Link Parent
    A solid recommendation! I really enjoyed Abigail's video, I caught it a few weeks ago more or less when I started questioning, as it goes. I was only peripherally aware of PhilosophyTube until a...

    A solid recommendation! I really enjoyed Abigail's video, I caught it a few weeks ago more or less when I started questioning, as it goes. I was only peripherally aware of PhilosophyTube until a few months ago, and hadn't ever watched any of the videos. It was quite a surprise to me when I saw that video, because I honestly thought she'd been publicly out for years!

    3 votes

  10. Comment on Looking for "gender questioning" content and personal experiences in ~lgbt

    bilbodwyer
    Link Parent
    Thanks! I've watched a few of her videos, and they're quite insightful.

    Thanks! I've watched a few of her videos, and they're quite insightful.

    2 votes

  11. Comment on Looking for "gender questioning" content and personal experiences in ~lgbt

    bilbodwyer
    Link Parent
    Oh great, thanks! I'll give it a watch :)

    Oh great, thanks! I'll give it a watch :)

    2 votes

  12. Looking for "gender questioning" content and personal experiences

    ~lgbt Ask (advice)
    Over the past few months I've been questioning my gender identity, and so I've been doing what any good millennial does and trying to read up on what everyone else in my position did and does....

    Over the past few months I've been questioning my gender identity, and so I've been doing what any good millennial does and trying to read up on what everyone else in my position did and does. I've found a few resources here and there, but I'd really like to read/watch/listen to more if I can. I'm looking for blogs, YouTube channels, podcasts, twitter users, and possibly even music... Anything created by non-cis people and which discusses their experience with figuring out their gender identity.
    Hopefully my fellow Tilderen can recommend some good media to me? I'd also be glad and grateful to hear any personal stories from folks here as well, though I do know it can be a very personal thing so no sweat if you don't feel happy sharing.

    14 votes

  13. Comment on Sponsored Content: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver in ~tv

    bilbodwyer
    Link
    I don't suppose there's a mirror for non-US viewers?

    I don't suppose there's a mirror for non-US viewers?

    2 votes

  14. Comment on Lordi – Hard Rock Hallelujah (2006) in ~music

    bilbodwyer
    Link
    I am still owed money from friends who I bet that this would win the Eurovision Song Contest the year it was the Finnish entry. "You're only betting they'll win because you like heavy music," they...

    I am still owed money from friends who I bet that this would win the Eurovision Song Contest the year it was the Finnish entry. "You're only betting they'll win because you like heavy music," they said. And while true, it's also very Eurovision :D

    5 votes

  15. Comment on You have to eat vegetables - here's how in ~food

    bilbodwyer
    Link Parent
    Good call. I've come to love a good fried mushroom and pepper filling in a burrito :D

    Good call. I've come to love a good fried mushroom and pepper filling in a burrito :D

  16. Comment on You have to eat vegetables - here's how in ~food

    bilbodwyer
    Link Parent
    We've actually found a sublime vegan Chinese in our city, and it's really good. I think it's seitan that they use, but whatever it is, it's highly convincing. Their crispy "duck" pancakes are...

    We've actually found a sublime vegan Chinese in our city, and it's really good. I think it's seitan that they use, but whatever it is, it's highly convincing. Their crispy "duck" pancakes are almost indistinguishable from the real thing!

    2 votes

  17. Comment on You have to eat vegetables - here's how in ~food

    bilbodwyer
    Link Parent
    This mushroom Wellington from the BBC is very good, we just did it without the blue cheese. Tried it with vegan cream cheese and it was decent enough. Had it again after January with the proper...

    This mushroom Wellington from the BBC is very good, we just did it without the blue cheese. Tried it with vegan cream cheese and it was decent enough. Had it again after January with the proper cheese and it's the bomb! I would recommend at least quadrupling the amount of garlic involved though.

    This tofu katsu curry is also very good.

    Both of those are slightly involved though, not the sort of quick thing you can throw together in a few minutes. Much easier if you've a second person to assist.

    3 votes

  18. Comment on You have to eat vegetables - here's how in ~food

    bilbodwyer
    Link Parent
    As am I. I'd be very curious to try it. And to be fair, the veggie alternatives (for some things) have improved a whole bunch over the last few years. My partner works for a company that...

    I’m still curious about lab grown meat the most.

    As am I. I'd be very curious to try it. And to be fair, the veggie alternatives (for some things) have improved a whole bunch over the last few years. My partner works for a company that specialises in the various protein and starch powders used for making those kinds of substitute, and they're always bringing home bits and bobs to try.

    5 votes

  19. Comment on You have to eat vegetables - here's how in ~food

    bilbodwyer
    Link Parent
    I'm very much inclined to agree with you. There are lots of world cuisines that suit vegetarianism quite well - I'll have a peak around for some decent Mexican stuff. I'm a big fan of a chili! I...

    I'm very much inclined to agree with you. There are lots of world cuisines that suit vegetarianism quite well - I'll have a peak around for some decent Mexican stuff. I'm a big fan of a chili!
    I love Indian food, and make (if I say so myself) a banging saag paneer curry. It's a little faffy, particularly if I wanna make naans from scratch as well. But very well worth it.

    3 votes

  20. Comment on You have to eat vegetables - here's how in ~food

    bilbodwyer
    Link
    One of the worst things I found about Veganuary was that a lot of the meals are trying to replicate meat or animal products in some way, and it's just not that good. I don't care how you cook it,...

    One of the worst things I found about Veganuary was that a lot of the meals are trying to replicate meat or animal products in some way, and it's just not that good. I don't care how you cook it, cauliflower does not and never will trick me into thinking I'm eating chicken wings. Vegan mac-n-cheese was... OK, but you can tell it's using plant milk as a base. Quorn has come a long way in the last 10 years, but you can't beat the consistency mouthfeel of a really truly sausage. Vegan and vegetarian food is (in my humble opinion) at its finest when it's not trying to trick you into thinking you're not eating plants, but straight up owning the fact that it contains no animal products.
    All that being said, I think that "plant forward meals" is a really great way to approach reducing one's meat intake (an easy thing we can all do to reduce our impact on the climate). Relegating meat and animal products to a smaller part of the meal, as a flavour enhancer for example, is such a good idea. The biggest hurdles to this are always a) finding meals that you actually enjoy, and b) that are straightforward enough to make on autopilot without needing a recipe every time. The problem I have is that all of my autopilot meals are meaty/dairy-y, and I've yet to find simple, memorable, and delicious plant-based options.

    14 votes