9 votes

I recently decided to try my hand in screenwriting! How does my opening scene grab you; is there any feedback?

7 comments

  1. [5]
    hitchano
    Link
    I really like the writing, it was quite unsettling. I would guess you are writing a serious-drama or possibly a psychological thriller depending on where you go with it. Also while I think that...

    I really like the writing, it was quite unsettling. I would guess you are writing a serious-drama or possibly a psychological thriller depending on where you go with it. Also while I think that the children calling out the names felt long, something tells me you intended that to build up suspense and intensity which may translate to film better than paper.

    2 votes
    1. [4]
      alp
      Link Parent
      Thank you so much! I'm ever so sorry for the late response, as I somehow managed to immediately forget my password on the same day I created it... Psych horror is my goal here, and you're right in...

      Thank you so much! I'm ever so sorry for the late response, as I somehow managed to immediately forget my password on the same day I created it... Psych horror is my goal here, and you're right in that the calling out of names is intended to gradually speed up with ever harsher editing as it progresses, so I do hope that when translated it film it can avoid dragging. Is there any negative criticism? What did I do wrong here? :-)

      1 vote
      1. [3]
        hitchano
        Link Parent
        I may be grasping at straws but the animation at the start feels seperate to the rest of the screen grab. Having a raising intensity to the animation only to have the same sort of build up right...

        I may be grasping at straws but the animation at the start feels seperate to the rest of the screen grab. Having a raising intensity to the animation only to have the same sort of build up right after may take away from the intended suspense of the first scenes. Just my 2ยข but I feel like a constant but still surreal animation could be something to toy with

        3 votes
        1. [2]
          alp
          Link Parent
          No, you're not grasping at straws at all. I do certainly agree that a similar crescendo could reduce the latter buildup, and as I answered to @meristele, this is precisely what I was hoping would...

          No, you're not grasping at straws at all. I do certainly agree that a similar crescendo could reduce the latter buildup, and as I answered to @meristele, this is precisely what I was hoping would be criticised, as it has me in a little bit of a pickle myself. Your solution does differ, though; what do you mean when you say a constant but still surreal animation>

          1 vote
          1. hitchano
            Link Parent
            I may be taking too much control here but I'm imagining something like changing that audio to something that doesn't gain intensity or if it does it lowers again like a wave. As an example you can...

            I may be taking too much control here but I'm imagining something like changing that audio to something that doesn't gain intensity or if it does it lowers again like a wave. As an example you can imagine taking the actors breathing and having the shapes and flashes raise and lower in intensity and frequency as he breathes in and out with the image transition occurs as he breathes deeply out almost preparing for his big performance.

            1 vote
  2. [2]
    meristele
    Link
    It reads like Cirque du Solei on hallucinogens. I agree with hitchano on the unsettling part - that's really well done. Without knowing what comes next, it's hard to say if the pacing and and...

    It reads like Cirque du Solei on hallucinogens. I agree with hitchano on the unsettling part - that's really well done. Without knowing what comes next, it's hard to say if the pacing and and frenetic energy is slow or fast or just right.

    I feel that two close revs like the animation and the theatre in a row are exhausting. I think the theatre is the better hook. It is a lot more powerful than the emotional static of the animation. You should post the next scene - it will be easier to tell if the animation should be used elsewhere or altered. :) A three sentence abstract of the plot would also help.

    2 votes
    1. alp
      Link Parent
      That's exactly the problem I've faced, and I was really hoping that someone would point out the transition from the animation to the theatre. I loved the idea of both as hooks, but was conflicted...

      That's exactly the problem I've faced, and I was really hoping that someone would point out the transition from the animation to the theatre. I loved the idea of both as hooks, but was conflicted between either using both (after all, Mulholland Drive opens with an abstract setpiece before cutting straight to another hook), or sticking with one, as as you said it could feel a little exhausting. I think in the end I may stick with the theatre as the opening as you suggest, and decide later what to do with the animation. With regards to the abstract/next scene: bear with me as it's constantly shifting a lot. :-)

      1 vote