I miss D&D

hamstergeddon
2025-05-28T17:41:55Z

This is a long mind dump of my history with D&D, my love of it, etc.

tl;dr - I love D&D. I liked DMing briefly. My group broke apart. I miss D&D.

Around 6 or 7 years ago a friend invited me to play D&D for the first time. I met a bunch of new people through this group and while a lot of people came and went throughout our two campaigns, there was always a core group of 3 of us that were always present.

At first it was very nerve-wracking. Not only because I was still learning the mechanic, but also because there's a certain amount of performance and vulnerability in getting into your character. While at home I'm always dropping into silly voices to make my wife laugh and I've gotten pretty good at doing various accents, cartoony voices, etc., at the table I couldn't do any of it. I had stage fright in front of a group of very accepting and kind friends. And it took me a few sessions (and beers) to push through it and be my authentic, goofy self in-person like that. In a way, it helped me grow as a person.

Eventually our DM moved far away and a bunch of players were left without anyone to lead our games, so we just didn't play for about a year. During that year I began thinking about DMing. My grasp of D&D's mechanics have never been great, but in that year Baldur's Gate 3 came out. And I hear some of you groaning because I know it's not a 1:1 match with 5e's rules. But it helped fill my knowledge gaps enough that I felt sorta okay DMing. So I offered to DM.

My first session was a premade campaign from the Starter Kit. Almost immediately I wanted to tweak the story, insert old characters of mine, throw in a few references my friends might get, stuff like that. I think we made it like 2 sessions in before I announced I'd be making my own damn campaign (with the group's support, mind you). But again, between my friends support and pushing myself, I was able to tackle some of my social anxiety because the challenges of running the entire game are completely different from the challenges of being a player.

I dove head-first into this new campaign. I wanted to do this massive campaign as a love song to puppetry because I grew up around my parents running a puppet ministry at church. So between that and Sesame Street, The Muppets, Lambchop, etc. I have this deep love of puppetry as an art form. And somewhere along the way, someone suggested a pirate theme, so I combined them. Thus I began working on a Muppet Treasure Island inspired D&D campaign.

I don't think I realized my capacity for creativity until I began working on this campaign. I never thought of myself as someone who needed a creative outlet, but holy shit was creating the D&D campaign a wonderful outlet for my creativity. I spent hours during and after work just writing and making maps. It was so fulfilling, even though the story itself was, in retrospect, kind of all over the damn place. Yet again, D&D helped me grow a little bit as a person. It gave me a creative outlet. It gave me fulfillment that I was critically lacking at work.

And then we started running the campaign. Session 0 was via Zoom and we all got excited about it. Session 1 was a pretty standard "you wake up as felt creatures on a mysterious beach and are quickly taken prisoner by King Friday, but let loose by his royal advisor X The Owl to help him solve a global problem because reasons" plot. But it was fun and I felt so alive.

Then session 2 one of the players had to bail...and I was not going to let that prevent the session from happening, so we just worked around it. Then by the time I was scheduling session 3 that player bailed completely. Session 4 was a bit messy/rushed on my part...and then everything just started to fall apart. Weeks went by, then months, now it's been nearly 2 years I think? We never even got off the starting island...all the story I wrote...all the maps I'd created...just completely unused. And it was soul-crushing. I felt like I'd wasted my time. I felt stupid for having put so much effort into something that fell apart so quickly.

But that was a bad attitude on my part, in retrospect. It wasn't a waste. I enjoyed every second of it. It was fulfilling. It was fun. So I'm thinking about returning to it and just fleshing out the rest of the campaign a bit more. I'm hoping to watch a lot of Dimension 20 in the coming weeks to get me back in the mood and take what I learn from it and just get back into D&D. Honestly I don't know that I want to DM again because I think that core group is done for when it comes to D&D. And it's hard to imagine finding another group I feel that comfortable with, but maybe? I think it's okay to just worldbuild for worldbuilding's sake, ya know?

But I do miss playing. I miss being in-character. I miss coming up with silly backstories and goofy premises for a character. I miss talking in funny voices for other adults (my kids get the bulk of it, these days). I miss making people laugh and contributing to them having a good time. And D&D was a perfect outlet for all of that. One of these days I'm going to find the motivation and courage to just find a group of strangers to join and try to quiet the social anxiety enough to enjoy it.

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