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Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (February 2025)
This is a monthly thread for those who need it. Vent, share your experiences, ask for advice, talk about how you are doing. Let's make this a compassionate space for all who may need one.
It's been a tough two weeks. I'm a federal employee. A newish one at that, being <6mo in.
I'm hoping people, particularly Americans, have been paying attention to the news. I know there's a lot going on, so if you haven't seen it, there's been a lot of bullshit directed at federal employees lately, from the administration.
RTO, even for people who are permanently remote workers, who likely don't live anywhere close to where their physical office would be. And being told to start coming in basically at the drop of a hat.
The whole "Fork in the road" memo from the Office of Personnel Management (OPM), which is basically threatening us to quit, before things get worse, while promising potentially unlawful benefits/pay for those who take the "offer." I should note that OPM has been hijacked by Elon (among other agencies like GSA and now even Treasury).
Hiring freezes, which just ups the load on current employees and harms getting benefits and services that Americans deserve or are entitled to.
Threats against probationary employees, such as myself, that we may be let go just because (we don't have the normal protections that a non-probationary employee has in terms of firing/laying-off).
Canning of DEI policies and folks who directly support DEI policies/work. Hell, I was asked to be on some DEI-related council at work, that's now been unceremoniously killed off. Should I be even more afraid?
Sure, many of us took federal jobs because of stability. But we sure as hell aren't doing this to get rich. Most us do believe in the cause of service to the nation. We take Oaths of Office just like any politician or high-ranking official does. We just want to do our jobs for the American people. But apparently that's too much for the administration.
Of course there's all the other madness with government, outside of government employees. I've started carrying my Passport Card with me. Never know when I might get swept up in some immigration raid, even though I'm a native-born US citizen. One who ironically works for the government, in an agency that does have some duties related to border security (though I don't directly or indirectly work on anything related to the border or immigration).
I was talking with a friend yesterday. He's like "We might need to GTFO this country, like for real this time." I'm a brown-skinned bisexual man. If he -- a married straight white guy with a family and a house and all that -- is afraid, how am I supposed to feel? And there are people who are "worse off" than me in terms of "checkboxes." Trans folks, for example.
Honestly, I'm just mad and frustrated more than anything. That this is all happening. That Americans are letting this happen. Because they voted for this or refused to vote at all. And that this wasn't unknown. The media reported on it. The people who are implementing this, said they were going to do it if they won. Yet Americans shoved their heads in the sand. Except for things like TikTok, which they seemed more angry about than anything thus far.
I'm trying to not let all this consume me. I'm still trying to enjoy things and take time to appreciate what I've got. But man, is it hard. Especially since I'm literally in the middle of all this, right in the crosshairs. One of many.
I've been calling it 'The Firehose of Evil', and it has been keeping me up at nights.
The buildup was before. Setting the stage and making preparations was before. Now we are in an all-out sprint into fascism. Gitmo is being set up as a concentration camp... pardon, Gitmo is being setup as the first concentration camp of this administration. The only... comfort (and I use that word with self hatred for thinking of this) is that the private prison industry is likely to be a force advocating to keep people put in camps alive... so they can be used as slave labor like all the other prisoners.
For people like you, Federal employees... they're clearly setting out to destroy institutions in order to destroy the ability of those institutions to stop them when they break the law. You Are Not Powerless. If you want to stay, and I won't advocate for a decision either way, because I wouldn't be the person at risk from that decision, then you need power. Bargaining position. The traditional route of 'form a union and threaten to strike' clearly won't work here, since they want everything broken, but there is more power in a thousand voices than one, more power in a group of people sticking together than one going alone. Also lawyers. We aren't at the point, quite yet where the law is totally ignored at every step.
To everyone: vote with your wallet - give resources to the ACLU and/or other groups fighting to keep us a democracy. Money, volunteer time, anything. This isn't over unless we just lie down and let the country die.
Back to you: "I'm a brown-skinned bisexual man." - I'm not going to bullshit you, you have real reason to be afraid here. It's all well and good for me to advocate for others to fight this evil, but the flip side is I have no right to ask you to die, or be put in a concentration camp, or get beaten on the street like the worse-old-days of racism where white folks in white robes did that shit, and law enforcement didn't even pretend to investigate. Fuck. I'm afraid, and I don't have anything to make me an obvious target.
That old phrase that gets thrown around so adroitly? "the tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots & tyrants"... it feels a lot scarier to read it when I realize that blood could include the lifeblood of people I love, killed by evil, greedy men, as simple bystanders and collateral damage. For that matter, I don't want to die myself.
That's something I've certainly been wrestling with: heroism versus self-preservation. Over on r/fednews, which has become a bastion for feds online, there's a lot of people trying to rally the troops.
"Don't take the fake offer! Don't quit!"
"America and Americans need us more than ever!"
But at what cost? And why be a hero to those who voted these criminals and thugs in? Everything they said they'd do, they're doing or planning to do. This shouldn't be a surprise to anyone. So why save them when they refused to save themselves? Hell, why save them from themselves? There's a certain irony to asking that question, given that that tends to be a thought pattern on the right, IMO.
Relatedly, over on my Mastodon instance, I was talking with someone who hates Trump and MAGA and all that (pretty sure everyone on the instance does), but thinks it's time for Americans to take our medicine. In fact, they said: let's get rid of the filibuster; let the ruling party rule so that Americans feel the weight of their actions, or even inactions, for once. The majority clearly wanted this, so let's let 'er rip.
But we know millions of people didn't want this. We voted against these fascists, tried to warn and convince others, but it wasn't enough. They didn't listen. Now thousands or possibly more may or will have to pay the price. Minorities of any stripe or color. Immigrants. Those with disabilities and illnesses. Women. And anyone else who may defy the "regime."
So I asked, similarly to what you said: Will you or me have to get sacrificed at the proverbial altar of freedom and liberty, to "ensure" this never happens again? Do we get to make that decision ourselves? If not us, then who gets to make that decision for us and others?
They sidestepped the question. But it's not like I know the answers, either.
I'm sorry you're going through that. I know some people with federal jobs and what's going on right now is wild. I empathize with your situation and I also fully understand your frustration with your fellow americans, I'm in the same boat of still trying to come up with reasons as to why a third of the country just didn't vote and was okay with this? Not that I'm only running on hope at this point, but I hope at the end of all this, regardless of if that's in 4 years or 20 years, that americans will finally realize how important it is to at least do the bare minimum civic duty of voting and on top of that how important it is to organize and fight authoritarian governments.
"I'm still trying to enjoy things and take time to appreciate what I've got"
Same, fam. I'm hitting the gym a lot. Having a third space where you can chill out can be pretty important if you don't have one already. It's nice for me to be able to just shut everything out for an hour or two a day.
Thanks for that. Yeah tomorrow I'm hoping to get out and do some exploration around town. Find a new coffee shop, maybe bring a book. I was supposed to do that today...but I'm just tired. Today will be my mope day, ha.
Hugs. Also a Fed although in a much more secure position (posting from my phone while work computer is busy doing its boot up security stuff - at least it doesn't take 30 minutes to start all the security software like it did a few years ago, McAfee sucks but we're mandated to use it). It's been a wild couple of years these last couple of weeks.
I've been following r/fednews since the Tesla King started throwing his weight around.
What he and his script kiddy minions are doing is unlawful and unconstitutional. Congress is going to fight back I hope. But especially if the supreme Court doesn't help we are in very dangerous territory.
I wonder if there are also state laws they are violating re personal data.
It sucks so much. I haven't seen a disaster like this in my lifetime
I went from doing my best pretending I wasn't watching America melt down to just being filled with rage as our best ally has stabbed us in the back by starting a trade war for no logical or good reason. Last time was annoying, this time is fucked.
I will probably lose my job and a trade war isn't a great environment for finding a new one. I have American family. I have American friends. I cannot believe they have betrayed us all by putting that orange fuckhole back in charge.
Why the fuck would you do this to your best friend? Fuck Trump and fuck America. This is what we get for being a reliable ally?
Yeah, my mental health went south really fast over the course of today. This shit is unbelievable.
I'm Dutch but have a Danish friend... honestly I'm just waiting until we get our turn by this point. I'm lucky that in a way my software-related job is tied to our own industry in such a way that its innovative that the wind is in our back.
I'm so sorry you don't have that luxury, it's horrifying that you may lose your job because the fermented mandarin needs his ego stroke. It's crazy.
I came here to post the same. I'm Canadian and have fairly close ties with the US, as do so many Canadians.
I feel so much anger and betrayal at the US as a nation, but also to all the individual Americans who have close Canadian family and don't speak up (edited this for clarity. I'm realistically thinking of the people I know). I get that Americans have all sorts of other issues on their mind, but last time I was in the states, Americans treated the '51st state' comments like a joke and were shocked when the Canadians in the room responded so swiftly and negatively to the 'joke'.
On that note, frankly, I also feel fear. I hope so much that tariffs are the worst we face. I hope I'm overthinking matters (which I admittedly have a tendancy to do). Any prolonged cold war will be devastating, but I'd rather face the prospect of losing my job and even my house than have to question what I'd do if the US were to attempt a hostile takeover of a '51st state'.
This feels like that early pandemic feeling all over again, except instead of the whole world more-or-less working together through uncertainty, I feel like Canada is (more-or-less) on its own. We'll see.
To help find balance in all this chaos, I'm thinking of ways to try to build my personal resiliance. I took a year off from gardening last year but have just committed to doing a huge veggie garden this year, topped up my supplies this morning. Will strap on my running shoes so I can get fit and be able to perform my old manual labour job if I lose my current cushy job. Already looking at labels to see what's coming from the US. Will try to take the days one at a time, and try to find opportunities to stand up for what I believe in whenever I can.
I feel conflicted about even saying anything as an American but I and many of us are unutterably opposed to a war of aggression and especially against Canada our old friend and ally.
I have thoughts that I don't want to put online about how Americans might react to war or occupation of Canada.
But yes. Please boycott the hell out of US products and services while all of this is going on.
@wafik
Thank you for replying, it's good to remember the importance of seeking connections as humans (outside all the tariffs and country-level stuff). My original comment came from an emotionally raw place. In particular, I should have been a lot clearer that I was thinking mostly of a couple people I know in that 'individuals' comment; I tried to add an edit to clarify that, but I dont think it was a great one upon reread, and I'm sorry - that remark sounds like too broad an attack.
The whole situation makes it really easy to take the mind to scary places. It sucks. I'm also so sorry to see the turmoil that's happening within the US that you're facing.
We need you more than anything. We can't do anything about Trump, but you can.
Can we? I mean, can American citizens who oppose Trump do anything about him that Canadian citizens can't do? Those who are inclined to vote against him already did that, and won't have another chance to do anything electorally for two more years. We can (and should - for posterity if nothing else) protest and call our representatives, but the last time Trump was in power that didn't accomplish anything. Impeaching him didn't do anything, even if we could convince our representatives to do that. Pursing charges for his many criminal activities didn't even do anything. There are illegal things that would hypothetically affect the situation, but citizenship doesn't have much impact on one's ability to do those things.
Am I missing anything? I'm feeling pretty hopeless right now and struggling to see what I'm able to do, so if you had something in mind I would love to know about it.
No those are the things I was talking about. He wants everyone to feel defeated but change won't come if you never vote again.
I am sorry about putting it so bluntly, but you should define some red lines ahead of time and commit to prevent some outcomes regardless of what the law says at that time.
Then tell them loudly where the red lines are.
Yeah my wife and I made the same observations about the comparison to the early days of the pandemic.
I think your fear is legitimate and I share the same. Trump said he wants to make Canada the 51st state. Many people have made the mistake of not believing the crazy shit that comes out of his mouth. I worry about what happens if Trump decides to invade Canada. Would anyone stand up to him? Would NATO stand with Canada? It's terrifying.
Woof, what a week! On a person enjoyment level this week is up there with some of the best: our oceans have been suuuper clear and calm, which mean my morning swims have been incredible. I've swam with harbor seals, otters, and even whales this week! It was also awesome for tide pooling - so many nudibranchs and even an octopus! Annnd it was my birthday and friends came out of the wood work to celebrate! We hosted a Chinese New Year dumpling/birthday party last night that just made me feel so loved and so tied into my community. I even had a bunch of happy birthday cards from folks I'm not too tight with from around the community including other swimmers, some volleyball folks, and people I'm on local commissions with. I've never experienced that and it was really lovely.
Buuuuuut, the week still sucked. Holy shit what an unmitigated nightmare with Trump. Our company is heavily funded by NSF and we've had an absolutely shit show trying to pull down our next tranche of funding - including our employee's payroll for the next 6 months. I'm pretty nervous I'll need to get creative in the next few weeks and transfer my own money into that account to make payroll while we wait for the portal to open back up. There may be a lot of tax implication though. Also we have a postdoc starting on Monday we're all super excited about, but her position is through an NSF sponsored DEI initiative. So as much as we're being reassured it's fine, it doesn't feel like it will be. She is awesome and it's so frustrating that she's having to go through so much instability. There isn't much I can do on our end except try to get legally binding assurances.
On top of that, a good number of our friends are Mexican citizens who now live in the US on student/work visas for their research or have married US citizens and now live here. In every case they are some of the nicest, most community minded folks I know who are actively working to make our area better. Some are doing kelp research to provide guidance to the establishment or management of our marine protected areas, others run programs that get students into the local backcountry via backpacking and camping - and in many cases is there first experience doing anything like that. One of them is Samuel, the friend who I talked about in the "Who is in your corner" post. While they are all here legally, they are having to figure out what to do if they do get picked up, they've all started carrying their green card or visa, and we've made plans as a community of what to do if something does happen. Just yesterday Samuel called his wife a few times at noon and then didn't pick up when she called back. This sent her into a flurry of worry because ICE agents have been raiding in our area so she called me to see if I had talked to him and see if I could check if he was working from home. It turned out he had gone for a run, but the whole thing just highlighted the level of stress their family is under right now. It's so fucked up! Sam does nothing but support and better our little town and even county, and yet him and is family are having to shoulder this ridiculous burden.
I'm seething. The last time Trump took office it took forever to feel tangible impacts. It happened within 3 days this time. And they are significant impacts. I'm mad that our elected leaders are making milquetoast responses to the executive orders. I'm sick of seeing folks blaming the people who abstained because of Gaza. I'm just fucking sick of all of it, and we're on day like 9. The thought of dealing with 4 years of this bullshit, and escalating bullshit, just fucking exhausts me. There is so much opportunity for a just, stable, and happy world. But no, a few rich fuckers won't let us have it.
I'm trying to hold onto the positive things in my life, as there are so many of them, but it's hard when we're sitting in this aura of shit.
Please be cautious about risking your own money. Funds might not come back online soon or at all without litigation.
Just had a baby. I am a goddamn wreck.
Not sure if it's your first or not, but if it is, you'll probably receive A LOT of unsolicited baby/parenting advice. From coworkers, family, friends, random strangers, etc. Some will mean well, some will be good advice, and others will be downright ridiculous or terribly outdated.
So my unsolicited advice would be to pick and chose which pieces of unsolicited advice you listen to! I found that like half of the stuff people told me about having a baby was spot on, and the other half not so much, lol.
But congrats!
Thanks! It is indeed our first, though the advice from friends/family etc has actually been the more useful stuff. It's all the conflicting advice from the various midwives that's been the biggest trouble. "Look for hunger cues, don't follow a feeding schedule", "baby needs to eat at least every 3 hours, so you need to wake them if they're sleepy", "a good breastfeeding latch shouldn't hurt", "that [painful latch] looks like a good one". I'm "doing everything right", but it really doesn't feel like it, and we've already had a scare where baby wasn't getting enough milk and got dehydrated shortly after coming home from hospital.
Yup that was our experience too. Now we're dealing with all the developmental milestones. Our baby is a bit behind on some things, and a bit ahead on others. We're not worried about it at all, seeing as she's perfectly healthy and happy. But when a cousin's baby who is three months younger starts walking before our baby, that's when we get comments from concerned family members about 'why isn't she walking yet' and 'so-and-so started walking when he was only 6 months old' and 'you should try holding her hands and forcing her to walk' and yadayadayada.
Good luck! It's really stressful at times (as I'm sure you've noticed) but I never realized how much joy it would bring me each and every day. Hope your baby brings you that same joy!
Congratulations! I'd like to say that hopefully you can get a nice rest but uhrm, newly born babies typically aren't a source of rest. :')
Thanks! I already can't remember what feeling rested felt like
Note: pet death mention in this post.
I was already struggling this week. I had to have a conversation while trying to support a student. I couldn't tell them things would be getting better. It's sort of my job to instill hope. And I don't have any, and I'm not going to lie to my students. We talked about how to keep going when things are hard and if something does happen to her friends or family what she can and should do.
It's improbable out of everyone they get targeted, but it's not impossible.
And then we had to take one of my cats to the vet yesterday and say goodbye. We were hoping it was something treatable but he'd successfully hidden and minimized his kidney failure so we didn't see how bad he was doing until the past few days. He was our big black pool of darkness, the gentlest cat ever (even when bopping our orange boy for being dumb), and I miss him and his chainsaw purr so much.
It's so much harder to take care of others and do the emotional labor of my job when I'm going through struggles with the same things the students are carrying. Last month sucked so bad. And now I am supposed to move forward? Fuck.
I'm sorry for your loss :( losing a loved one is never easy, human or pet. I hope you can find the time to mourn them.
There's a lot of things happening in society. I hope you can find the strength needed to muster through. Hugs.
Thank you hugs
I'm sorry for your loss :(
It sounds like he lived a good life and had many good times with you.
We only had him for just under five years. They told us he was 3 when we adopted him but he was probably closer to 8. He was very well loved but it's unfair that this is all the time we had.
That’s devastating. I’m so sorry.
Big internet hug from me, Fae.
Thanks, back at you hugs
Vacillating somewhere between average and poorly, but more as a reaction to what I'm seeing rather than my own regular mental health issues.
The speed at which things have changed in the US in the past two weeks has been staggering. I feel deeply that it will take quite some time for the majority of Americans to feel the consequences of the changes made (and those have yet to be made), but once enough of us have it will be too late to do very much about it because so much will already be decided/entrenched.
Combined with the ever-increasing speed of collapse of our natural environment, there is far more anxiety than optimism to be found right now and for good reason. There are dark times ahead, and some would say we're already deep within them.
I'm feeling the same. I'm not a US American, I'm Canadian, but I've worked with many US Americans, visited many times, and I've had universally good experiences there. With the tariffs and the social upheaval, I don't think it is unrealistic or alarmist to prepare for a humanitarian and economic crisis on both sides of the border.
I'm coping at the moment by trying to bring myself to a place of better economic stability so that I will be able to be of better use when shit really hits the fan. (I worked in tech and was, of course, hit by a massive layoff like many of my cohort.) I am taking stock of my skills, working on my physical health, reading about how other people have survived similar circumstances as the ones I am expecting, trying to be the best I can be for this. Don't get me wrong, I'll help no matter how ready I am, but I'd rather be prepared.
A lot of this is really hurting a lot right now because my very best friend is a US American trans woman. I love her and I am so afraid for her. I will do everything in my power to help.
People seemed to like this last month so I guess I'll post it again: moods from January
The two highest points was the 11th and 13th - a cousin's huge 40th birthday party, lots of fun (and he had ordered a very NSFW cake) - he is gay if that wasn't obvious from the pic lol and gives zero fucks that both his grandma's were there to see it. It's quite refreshing that someone is themself 110% to be honest. So anyway also lots of good chats with other cousins too so that was really nice.
And on the 13th, I got my first tattoo! I wanted to celebrate and do something good for myself because I haven't self harmed this long since over 4 years ago. Over self harm scars so tw for that of course. It's pea flowers, which is the April birth month which is when I begun my transition - a more important date than my actual birthday. Pic of tattoo.
All the low points.. well, it takes a lot away from these two good things that happened. I don't even remember what happened on those days except the 15th which is when I was finally given the entire boot from any and all psychiatric treatments. "We can no longer help you" I have a hard time not focusing on the negatives and I know I'm not alone in that. It's just the same old things as always: feelings of despair, dysphoria, abandonment (perceived), loneliness, yearning, longing, traumas, isolation.. I leave my apartment maybe twice week nowadays and mostly it's only to get groceries. I have zero friends here in Odense. All family and friends are 1½ hours away in Copenhagen and up to 3-4 hours away in northern Zealand. I chat with friends every day, play games with my bestie and voice chat with her. But when she and other friends are busy with their own lives, those days are really, really bad. My friends are one of the only good things in my life and what keeps me going and affects my mood in a positive way. Almost nothing else helps day to day. Those days of barely any talking or chatting with anyone leaves me with thoughts of self harm or even suicidality. I do have a social worker and have had since fall, who comes by once a week, but she gets paid to be here so it's not exactly a natural connection. She's good though.
Every day that is like this, I comfort eat instead. I'm not all that convinced that it's better than self harm but you do get desensitized to it when you've done it on/off for half your life. In any case, the comfort eating is real awful when you're overweight and need to lose at least 5 kg. Obviously, when you replace a dinner with chips, dip, and candy, you don't lose weight.. at least I'm not gaining though since I started only eating one meal per day which once you get used to it isn't very hard.. I used to be 65-68 kg which did make me look a little gaunt, but I felt a lot better about my body back then. But I would be fine with ~72 kg. I'm near 80 kg currently and I don't fit my pants anymore. They are painful around the tummy and waist to wear..
And then there's the external factor of living in poverty - a term is relative to one's country and apparently you qualify as being in poverty if you have less than half of the median income which is 300000 kr., which I do. I have shelter and food and necessities and I have enough to do (very low budget travels if I save for a few months (meaning no replacing of very old clothes or shoes etc. which I really need) but so I feel kind of bad about using that word about myself? I usually think of poverty as barely scraping by, like only just having shelter and food. My shelter is small as fuck though and my food budget extremely low. But again, it's relative to where you live. Standard of living in Denmark is the ridiculously high after all. The highest of any country in the world even, except Switzerland which is only a tiny bit higher.
I guess it's nitpicking about the words but I certainly feel poor. And if you look at the hierarchy of needs I am at best in the middle, probably lower. Like it's not all that black and white but yeah, it's not great. Add to this financial situation of mine that welfare is going to be cut by about 5% soon.. it has already not followed inflation since the 1991, so actually, welfare technically gets cut every year. If it followed inflation, I would have received 20% more which would help a fucking lot. This year new laws are going into effect though so it's even bigger cuts. It's insanity. 90% of welfare recipients are already only on it because of illness. It just punishes those of us on the bottom or near bottom of society, kicking us while we're down. It's bullshit and adds a lot of stress to an already stressful life.
Lots of pics, hope that's ok. Just wanted to share the good things because they are somewhat rare
Hey smoontjes! Firstly, that cake is incredible, holy shit.
Secondly, that tattoo is so cute and I'm happy for you that you were able to put that over your scars. I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling with isolation a bit and I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling with money, but I'm glad that it sounds like you have some friends there for you online at least. I'm not sure that there's much I can directly do to help, but if I'm ever in Denmark, I'll make sure to drop by to Odense if you'd have me.
Don't know what I would do without them to be honest.
Definitely do drop by - we can go for the best cup of cacao the city has to offer! And thank you for your kind comment
Just so you know, I teared up a bit at your tattoo pic. It’s beautiful and beautifully meaningful. Thank you for sharing it with us.
I mean you are welcome, but I hope it wasn't the bad kind of tearing up?
It was the good kind, no worries.
You may be interested in this post from a bit more than a month ago here. The paper talks about poverty in a way that's not just with raw GDP numbers and it reminds me of what you're talking about. Take care mate.
I've really been struggling recently. I was good friends with a former coworker from a few years ago. We both had feelings for each other, but she didn't want to take it further because of distance (1 hour). We kept talking everyday essentially all day, and she would visit me just about every weekend. Well on Thursday she told me she started seeing someone else. It really hurt to hear, but at the same time we are really good friends and I don't think I want to lose her but I don't know. On the other hand too though I think it was a big source of anxiety so I ironically feel really free now that its all said and done. Just hurting. On top of all that, I recently realized that I am trans (mtf) and I get to deal with the climate and everything. Haven't had many wins this (school) year :(
Terrible. I was incredibly productive yesterday, but when evening hit, my mood plumetted. I cried all evening.
It's morning for me now, and I still feel that deep heavy feeling in my chest.
I keep thinking I don't have the mental fortitude to go on with life.
Job searching has been going poorly. I'm also in some physical pain every day. Most days it's fine because it's just discomfort, but on some days like yesterday, it really hurt.
I'm just tired.
I'm sorry, I had to search for a job for more or less two years and it's awful. It's like seeing life passing you by, and our job is such a cornerstone of identity in most cultures on the world that it's basically impossible not to let it affect you mentally. hugs Take care.
Not good, not great, just... getting by (emotionally/etc). What's been going on the US sure is a lot to ingest (and I know that's the point). Knew it was coming but feels just as awful now that it's here.
I'm clear-headed enough that no need to worry about me causing any harm to myself, it's just... everything is so fucked and will be for a long, long time
It's daily and it just doesn't stop coming. Sigh. I know there's the whole "yeah the courts will fight a bunch of unenforceable stuff"... but that doesn't mean that people aren't harmed in the meantime by people following orders regardless of legality. Apparently the pres can just order water released from dams wherever they want, without regard to human life, which happened today
NGL fam, I'm not doing well. I'm not on the verge of self harm or anything like that, so no worries there, but after having a fantastic last couple of years for myself, my mental health is back in the dumpster a little bit and I'm just trying to do what I can in my day to day to keep some happiness and routine in my life.
The changes in the US have yet to affect my family, friends, or myself personally yet, but I know that's coming. But even now, I'm just depressed and crying at what's happening to immigrants, for example. I'm trying to find a balance of staying informed, being caring, but also trying to keep myself healthy and it's hard.
I was doing an okay job of it, but I got the news this week that my otherwise progressive workplace is now forcing us back into the office three days a week and the timing of this announcement is so immaculately terrible and tone deaf that I don't think it's an accident (I think it's coming right now because our leadership knows we're too exhausted and depressed to fight it and many of us can't afford job insecurity under trump's reign). There was no discussion, no surveying, just a mandate. Our CEO met with us yesterday and gave us a bunch of bullshit corpo non answers, which is disappointing because we're still a small company, could still be considered somewhat of a startup, and this is one of the first times I've felt our leadership is truly out of touch. We brought up as a group many good points and he just kept deflecting. He verbatim claimed "studies show that return to office is a good thing for everyone" and when challenged on it, he retracted that and said he got his info from executives and investors from "successful companies", the ones named being ones that performed mass layoffs and turned over their senior employees to save $ on employment costs so that their stock price would go brrrr for one quarter. He's feeding us bullshit to a room that is smart enough to completely see through it.
Personally, I was planning on buying my first house this year so I literally cannot change jobs right now or I won't be able to get a loan. I also have a ton of equity in the company, but not all of it is vested yet. I want to hang out until its vested because if we eventually do grow enough to go public or get acquired, I could be rich off my asshole (and at the bare minimum get a huge nest egg), but I was miserable when I last worked in an office so I'm trying to weigh mental health against financial stability.
Obviously with a possible economic collapse coming, I'm not a huge fan of leaving a job where I'm one of the most tenured employees at the entire company, but I also know that I'm going to just hate the three days a week I'm forced into the office. I'm hoping that we can all have the balls to band together and collectively bargain on this, but as much as I want to be a ring leader for it, I am fairly vulnerable right now (single income, no assets, barely any savings). Personally, I think I just have to suck it up if nobody else is willing to lead (though I'm sure half of the people affected have this same mindset). My direct boss is amazing and he is not going to police us. Yes I'll have to be in the office tue-thur each week, but I can be in a corner with my headphones on if I like. The thing I'm most pissed about is that I started looking at houses and I had the freedom to pick any neighborhood I wanted in my city, but now everyone within a HUGE radius is "required" to return to office, so that absolutely nukes half of my neighborhood choices as I just cannot do an hour commute each way in traffic.
It seems a bit quaint to be worrying about this when we have literal concentration camps being put into service in the US, but at some point I have to take care of myself too.
I am trying to look at the positives right now, though. I have been going to the gym consistently since November. Even when I aggravated an injury and had to take a few weeks off, I still got back to the gym after. I'm down 10 lbs and have built considerable muscle up already. I genuinely look forward to the gym instead of it being a chore and I love it as a third place for me.
And I'm finally maybe going to buy a house! I am still struggling with thoughts on if I should or not. On one hand, when I know that goods and services are about to get extremely expensive, this seems like an awful time to buy, but on the other hand, this might be the last opportunity to get in on a house with current property prices and loan rates before another housing crisis hits and investors scoop up everything. I guess the way I'm looking at it is that I'm a 6 figure earner and if I get to the point where I can no longer afford a mortgage payment on a modest house, I wouldn't be able to afford rent anyways, and the world is probably collapsing around me if I can't financially keep up, so what does it matter if I lose the house? I'm kind of just counting on my tenure at my current company as being as secure as I possibly could be given our future outlook.
Part of me is considering instead using my down payment funds as an emergency fund for emigration if I need to leave. I do not want to start over in another country and lose in person contact with all of my family and friends, but if I end up being targeted, it's an option I may have to take. I love my state and I love where I live and life has been pretty good for me in other years, but shit is starting to hit the fan pretty fast in the US now and it's basically a coin flip on if I'll be safe and protected in my state or if we'll be rolled over like half the other states.
I am at least going to start going through the motions. I talked to an LO at my credit union and will be filing an application late feb, early march, and will start looking at homes and finding a realtor. If I can get this done and get a house this year, I'm really looking forward to having my own garage that's finally big enough! My garage space at my townhome is fine, but it's just a single stall (though big enough to work on a car and have all my tools). I'm trying to find a house that has a large 2 car garage or 3+, I want to be able to have a project car or a race car! I have so many dreams for a garage, like putting in heating, a lift, etc. I'm very excited at the thought of having my own!
At the very least, I'm getting dinner with my sister (my favorite person) at my favorite restaurant tonight, so that's a nice little thing to look forward to.
Not okay. I have a mixture of friends who are affected by well, everything in many ways. And on a personal level, well... now that I finally have a job it's also hitting me hard how few irl connections I have, how unlikely it is that I'll even get a small studio for my own anytime soon, and more.
I feel disconnected from the world I suppose. And unfortunately many of them have a material cause that I can't easily fix.
I'm grateful for my local Unitarian Universalist congregation. I didn't have them during Trump's first term and I felt so alone as a liberal living in a rural, conservative area. My whole family is conservative, as is my wife's. So it just always felt so lonely being the only person around me who was A) politically aware enough to know what was happening and B) liberal enough to not be happy with it.
But this time I have a bunch of other pissed-off liberals to lean on. I've got a community that is very protective and supportive of those who stand to lose a lot in the next 4 years. And that gives me hope and makes things feel a little less miserable. Attendance at church events the last few weeks has skyrocketed because we're all feeling this bullshit and need each other to get through it.
So all that is to say, please find your tribe or community or whatever. Surround yourself with those people. Be that kind of person to someone else, if you can. This whole thing fucking sucks. If I didn't have my people to depend on right now, I don't know what I'd do.
I feel pretty helpless right now. Seems like my country is on the verge of spinning out of control, veering off a cliff, and taking a nose dive into oblivion.
I'm not an activist. I'm barely a protestor, though I've participated in some. I assume some of what is needed would be a general strike, mass demonstrations in the streets, and, idk, maybe some drastic actions from elected democrats. I really don't know what those drastic actions need to be. But, one scenario I concocted in my brain was that Trump wants to get citizens riled up to the point of mass civil unrest, so that he can declare martial law and really solidify the dictatorship of his regime.
They will try to solidify their dictatorship anyway.
This is your last chance.
Organize!
Swedish police say 11 people dead in Örebro campus attack - Victims still being identified after what Sweden’s PM says was the worst mass shooting in the country’s history
Feeling scared and anxious and have been on the verge of tears.
School shootings are sadly normal in the US, so I hope this does not come off as insensitive, but as a Scandinavian this is unfathomable. It reminds of 22. July which similarly brought shock and horror so close to home.
Personally for me it is especially haunting as I went to a similar school for adults (GED kinda) in Copenhagen only a few years ago and like, it might as well have happened there. Additionally there was also a shooting in Copenhagen in a mall that I lived 500 meters away from but had moved away just 3 months before it happened. One of my best friends was in that mall only hours before it happened, in the very store that the shooting started. It also happened on my birthday which was pretty awful too.. I thankfully was not there but it was still surreal and horrifying, especially because of my friend.
There was also this shooting in Copenhagen which I was about 20 km away from.
Again, these things happen very, very rarely in Northern Europe. And it is unfathomable every time. This is now 3 times where I have felt very, very close to such terrifying crimes. So I hope I can manage to distract myself from these feelings of intense anxiety today.
I take my SFI (Swedish for immigrants) classes at an adult education center like that about an hour and a half away from the one where the shooting happened. I went to high school in the same city where the Parkland shooting happened - MSD were our football "rivals". I was visiting a friend in Orlando when the Pulse shooting happened. It's starting to feel weirdly personal, but I know that's actually just completely down to chance. When there's so many mass shootings in America, you're bound to be near some of them. I thought it was going to be safer here.
I'm very sorry to hear this. Those are some very bad ones to be close to.
Statistically it is way safer around here. But also statistically, it's probably highly irregular to be this close to multiple mass shootings. And what we feel are of course often removed from facts.. in any case, I hope that you feel safe enough to go to your classes? Maybe there will be some good talks about it there. Perhaps even with professionals?
Personal life is all over the place. I’m still on furlough from work and passing the resume around while doing my best to be a little more fit, clean, and active, to mixed results. My brother is a little upset that the federal funding for his doctorate might get cut off when he’s applying for schools, and I can only do so much there. I’m also thinking about going back to school to finish a BSCS, looking into degree completion and transfer hacking to see what options are available for cheap and quick. Maybe some certs as well? Idk.
Relationship wise, I’m dealing with a bit of the fallout from starting and ending a relationship in January. I wasn’t comfortable dealing with a new fast moving relationship on top of a job situation, and while we’re still in contact, it’s not an constant communication anymore and I’m trying to manage boundaries and set expectations while being considerate of their feelings. I think I’m doing alright balancing the two.
New year means new insurance, and with the job I may or may not be going back to, I can go to a doctor’s office and know what I’m paying, which is great, but it’s easier to talk with a human at Amazon then with our new therapy service. And I don’t want to start something with someone new just to have to change again again when the insurance goes away. It also doesn’t cover my PCP’s psychiatry referral, so formalizing the various divergences of my neuro will have to wait. Better luck next month.
Maybe I should make it a goal to start writing more since I have the time, I’ve been looking at colleges and comparing transcripts and drawing myself in podcasts, audiobooks and lets plays, maybe I should see if not for the sake of productivity, maybe I can get some flow out of that.
I barely slept last night, reading about what is happening in Washington.
If the supreme Court rules the wrong way on this, we don't need to bother teaching constitutional law any more. If they rule the right way, Trump can easily create further crisis by daring them to enforce their ruling.
Ah man, I had a long week full of calculus, didn't get a day off, and now it's the next week and there's more work to do. I'm so sad that all the math and physics classes are this boring. It's weird! There's no reason it should be like this. I love doing all kinds of tedious bullshit, but by the end of it I would usually have some thing that I made, that I can be proud of. In these math and science classes you just go through the motions for somebody else's problems, over and over. Like they designed a maze and you're just running through it. It makes me depressed for real.
Well, the venlafaxine is treating me well, but it's really killed my libido. I'm like a panda.