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Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (April 2025)
This is a monthly thread for those who need it. Vent, share your experiences, ask for advice, talk about how you are doing. Let's make this a compassionate space for all who may need one.
My mental health has been trash. I just found out my university isn't tracking non-binary students anymore. They do have to report demographic data to the feds, so I understand why they changed the data, but a) so what are they labeling these students as? Are they recognizing our binary trans students? b) where precisely is the vaunted transparency we've been promised? and c) they edited the historical data too. I'm fucking pissed.
I've been operating on 4-5 hours of sleep, instead of my more usual 6, and when not at work I'm accomplishing very little at home. Partner's injury is being taken care of and he has in-home PT/OT again so things are looking up there, but half the reason I don't sleep is him needing something in the middle of the night. All weekend, I kept waking up thinking he was calling for me.
We get to go see the Savannah Bananas this weekend and I had an anxiety attack because what if things don't go well, or the seats don't work, or something isn't accessible, or something that causes him to have a bad time? We've canceled literally every other plan we've made larger than a grocery store trip in the past two years (other than hosting Christmas but we didn't have to travel.)
So yeah, I'm a mess. Everyday another public assistance program has its staff cut - today it's LIHEAP - and I'm disgusted at the ableism, transphobia, and racism that is just feeling like it's constant right now. I'm exhausted and my students won't stop getting into fist fights or domestic batteries and they're all self-harming and suicidal because it's spring.
I took 2 days off for a long weekend and even though I'm on top of my shit I feel overwhelmed, exhausted and like I'm fucking everything up. And that's while taking my ADHD meds. At least I voted.
I'm just so sorry you're having to deal with all this shit. Things aren't pretty here but they certainly aren't as bad as yours, and I'm sorry you have to find strength for things you shouldn't be fighting for. People shouldn't need to be strong to just exist.
My first instinct was to say that things aren't that bad, and I'm overreacting, because so so many have things much worse and I'm very lucky in many ways
But stuff still sucks and even if it's just my brain making it worse that still doesn't feel great.
All of which to say, thank you. I need a break but taking time off doesn't give me one so I'm not sure what to do
Caregivers can use breaks and respite care. Whether that is feasible is a different question.
Agreed. We don't qualify for respite because he has a personal assistant. Which is great because then he has someone when I'm not here during the day most days. But it means we don't get weekdays off together if I take the day off, and I spent my days off last week on a mix of errands and nothing at all. Not restorative.
Sigh
At the very least, I hope you're able to get some good sleep soon. Running on constant sleep deprivation is so demoralizing, and even a single night's good sleep can change the way you're able to see the world and give you the energy you need to keep going. I really hope you're able to find the time and space to care for yourself so that all your work caring for others is easier to shoulder.
Appreciate it, I'm trying with the sleep but half the time it's my brain and the other half it's his pain leading to me being woken up. Neither of us get quality sleep, except he's getting it in the evenings now so thats not helping us get time together
I don't know if this would help you, but I have a very low dose of Ativan (lorazepam) that I can take as-needed at bedtime. It's not a sleeping pill, more of an anti-anxiety thing. It can be habit forming, so you might not want it / your doc might not rx it, but I probably only use it once or twice a month. About half an hour later and things just quiet down in my head.
I had a serious run in with my boss yesterday evening on work chat. I was furious and amped up on adrenaline. So I took one, and I was still able to get a reasonable amount of sleep last night.
During the pandemic I was doing a nightly benadryl. My doc was aware and made sure we kept an eye out for side effects but the sleep isn't as good. It's the ADHD and anxiety mixed with acid reflux symptoms and regularly being woken up by my partner. It's definitely worth me asking if I can't get it under control. But the time change fucked with me harder this year too and I feel like if I can just get adjusted to that I'll be ok.... That's probably just optimism
I learned recently that the reason Benadryl makes you drowsy is that it crosses the blood/brain barrier, where antihistamines like claratin and Zyrtec do not. Fun fact: a pilot is not allowed to fly if they've had benadryl in the last 60 hours. All of which is to say, there are probably better options.
The reflux is a tough one. I get that too.
I am terrible with compliance, but when I use my cpap machine, I rarely experience any reflex. I know getting a sleep study probably isn't high on your list, but something else to consider. The other thing that helped me was raising the head of the bed about four inches (I just put blocks under the feet at the headboard end).
Sorry to bombard you with solutions, mostly just know there are big hearts coming your way from PA.
Oh it absolutely isn't the best choice, it specifically gives you worse sleep. It's more of a "you can't sneeze if you're unconscious" sort of antihistamine. But it did a good job of letting me get back to sleep if I'm woken up by a cat, my partner or my other cat. Which is where the reflux can get me.
I actually have a sleep number bed (we bought it right before my partner's surgery that left him paralyzed, because he was already disabled, and I'll love it more when it's paid off. (Gods, this bed, a wheelchair van, and the mortgage plus a credit card....ugh) Anyway so I can lift the head up, and it helps, but I'm a stomach sleeper.
I don't know for sure, because I can't hear myself sleeping, but I don't snore regularly and the only time I ever woke up gasping I'd fallen asleep face down on a pillow so... If I would stop smothering myself, I think my breathing is fine (the bed also has a breathing app and last night I snored for like... 20 min in the middle of the night til I moved. ) if probably do better form all of it if my eating and all the rest were better. I've been doing daily walks and want to throw some bodyweight strength training in, I have a long term goal of being able to help my partner transfer without a lift, but he's a bit dude, so while he's doing the work in PT, I'm going to be a backup so he won't be afraid of falling. And I miss being strong.
So yeah sleep study is very low on the list rn, I've got a crown and diabetes maintenance stuff to do first and my appointments are harder to schedule... Plus a vet appt. Sigh maybe summer.
The support and care is appreciated, I promise I'm not shooting things down without thought. I've had a number of the convos with my doctor and stuff ebbs and flows. I have undiagnosed chronic pain myself that is not all the time but is predictable but didn't show up on blood tests 8 years ago and the meds I could take made me hurt more when they wore off so I stopped.
Anyway our Savannah Bananas game was rescheduled til July so we have more time before a big event, so he's going to go with me to Costco instead. Lower stakes, but still getting out.
So we're both trying. In a lot of ways from 2020 forward (not that 2016-2020 was low stress) my resiliency has been sandblasted. I hit a point where I didn't think I had any cortisol left because it was being immediately dumped into my system.
Now I recover a little bit of that resiliency quickly but never have a chance to accumulate it past that minimum level. I feel better today than when I wrote the original post. But I doubt I get above this before something else hits.
I'm sorry that you are suffering, and I hope that you can be relieved of your suffering and distress soon.
If you're looking for advice, I have some, but I understand the irony in the advice I'm about to give. You may want to seek out support regarding burnout, not just generalized, but burnout from being a caregiver and possibly a civil servant(?). These are very specific burnout situations, and the community alone can be...restorative?
Hope you take the time and resources you need to heal.
Kind of? I lead a case management team at a university. I never know how to describe my role.
So thank you, because here's the thing, I train on compassion fatigue, secondary trauma and burnout so much that while I know "caregiver burnout" is a thing my brain had overwritten all the caregiver burnout signs/symptoms with the traditional burnout symptoms. And so because I actually love my job, and don't have compassion fatigue, etc.(although I do have some primary and secondary trauma), I brushed it off before, but I pulled the caregiver burnout symptoms up and ...
I've never been so thoroughly read for filth.
So again thank you. It's not like I didn't know I was dealing with all this but I didn't quite realize how much. I haven't really found community in any of the caregiver online groups - they are either super large or mostly made up of folks in a very... negative caregiving relationship, whether because of having to care for someone who is or was abusive or because they're past caregiver burnout into full burnout. And in person they're either older or caring for a parent. So... Yeah.
Thanks
hahaha, thanks for the laugh. Don't you just love how our brains choose to ignore or disregard information that would be inconvenient for them? I'm glad I could help, and I'm glad you took the steps to explore what was going on with you.
I hear ya on the support groups. I think it's really important that they match your needs. I am often suggested support groups for grief or chronic pain, but I never really vibe, because I am very young (for the demographics usually represented) and I also "look normal". So instead of feeling seen at these groups, I feel left out. I hope you find one or something to get that connection.
Another thing that helps me when my brain is ignoring information is remembering a quotation from a psychologist I like, "if you start to have rules that you apply to yourself differently than you would to other people, you may want to question why you have that discrepancy." Simple examples are like, "it's okay for other people to take breaks when they need them, but I have to finish this 8 hour shift without a break." I find this most helpful for people that do not engage in self-compassion, but it sounds like you may have that one under control.
Sidenote. It seems like there is a hugely growing population of "younger people" or "look normal people" that basically lack any sort of support or community for issues that we consider for people over X age. I don't know that anyone is doing anything concertedly to address this, but I wish they would. In a dolorology podcast episode, one of the clinicians was saying that the ages of 15-19 are basically underrepresented and have no voice, and thus are ignored often and have no advice or playbooks to go by. It was really sad to hear. I suppose it's the invisible disability/suffering crowd becoming more vocal, I hope things change.
Yeah I'm in my early 40s but not taking care of an elderly parent and my partner has only minor cognitive issues from TBI so not dealing with memory care issues. So I feel that.
I actually use the "what would you tell your friend if they dealt with X" in students all the time. Unfortunately part of the problem is I'm mostly just shutting down, not being hard on myself usually, so it feels like I'm letting myself "rest" but I'm not really doing the productive sorts of self-care.
And yeah I was hoping a queer knitting group would get off the ground but it's not happened yet, and I don't have the energy to organize. (My library has a knitting group but it's during the workday which wouldn't help the age group thing so much but I don't mind knitting with stay at home parents and grandmas (based on social media) I just can't be there. The lack of energy makes connecting even harder.
Being on a college campus, we do have a lot of youth voice and space but outside of that environment or high school it's hard for teens to have any space they can just exist in. I definitely see the same thing.
I stopped taking my ADHD drug for the first time since I started. With atomoxetine, you aren’t really supposed to take breaks. It’s a long term drug, unlike the stimulants often used for ADHD. The morning nausea was mostly gone after a few days, so that is nice. That was my only side effect, so not much has changed.
Atomoxetine is much more subtle than stimulants (I’ve never taken them myself, so that is based on second hand reports). It’s pretty nice to have this direct comparison medicated to unmedicated. It’s only slowly wearing off, but it absolutely makes a huge difference in my day to day life. When I moved to Europe, my psychiatrist told me to experiment and see if I still needed medication. Once I run out, I will absolutely be looking to find a way to get it here.
Anyway, I like to share fun anecdotes about ADHD when I think of them. Here is one I thought of when packing for a recent move :
Time blindness is a well known part of the Deluxe ADHD Package (tm) (no refunds). But I think there is a related symptom that I never hear anyone talk about: Space Blindness. I think it’s just difficult for us to visualize a space and how much can fit in, for example, a suitcase. Anyone else experience this ?
Yeah I also suspect space blindness is a thing for ADHD. I have a hard time remembering directions/routes unless it's in a place where I'm already very familiar. I can't picture the map in my head to render it by. I kind of wonder if it might be related to how ADHD affects working memory?
That makes n=3, which is basically proof right?
The weird thing is I am sometimes really good at directions, but not always. I am pretty bad at driving directions, but I can navigate a metro system quite well. I also have an internal compass, and can pinpoint north with relative accuracy most of the time. Just don’t ask me for street names unless they are particularly memorable.
I stg it drives me crazy when psychiatrists do this. Especially in the case of ADHD, where medication has wickedly good results compared to most psychiatric medication, and the lifelong nature of the disorder is well-understood.
Yeah, me too. There are so many poor outcomes that are associated with ADHD, and many of them just disappear with medication. On top of that, while there are some considerations with taking stimulants your entire life (I think), atomoxetine doesn’t have any problems with long term usage. It also can’t be abused, and isn’t addictive. I just don’t see any reason to try and encourage a stable patient off of it.
My problem now is that France doesn’t allow atomoxetine for stupid reasons. If I get my residency here, I am going to have to try and get it from another country, which will be quite the adventure.
Odd, often when that is the case the EU doesn't allow it.
In fact, looking into it, are you sure that France doesn't allow it? I checked the Dutch Pharmacotherapeutic compass. It seems it is at least available in the Netherlands under various brands. For context (also from the website)
Looking into it further, it seems in France it is dispensed under the brand name "Strattera". There does seem to be an extra hurdle according to this reddit thread I found it can only be prescribed to a psychiatrist attached/working for a hospital. If possible I'd explore that route, also because it then likely will be covered by insurance (at least partially).
If it still isn't an option, you mention not having had stimulants before, is there a specific reason for that? Other than simply not wanting to switching from something you know works, which is a very valid reason.
Oh my god thank you! I have been researching this on and off for a year now. I previously found an EU website that links all the country’s pharmaceutical websites and looked through it a bit. I already knew it was legal in Belgium and Germany, so my plan was to find a psychiatrist in Brussels. I swear I looked through the French website and didn’t find it. All I could find was a French study that said it shouldn’t be allowed because of suicidal ideation in kids (because I guess adults can’t have ADHD).
I will start contacting doctors ASAP, since it sounds like it’ll take a while. Hopefully my existing diagnosis and stable treatment plan will help expedite it.
As for other treatments, I am not against trying them, but I do like straterra. The only drawbacks for me have been morning nausea and taking weeks to start taking effect. Once it starts, it gives symptom relief at all times of the day. One of the first things I noticed was that I slept better, and I don’t know anyone on stimulants who says the same. Also if I miss a day, it isn’t a huge issue because the drug levels are still high in my system. Finally, it not being a controlled substance is a huge benefit. I was able to get a prescription for 365 days, which absolutely would not have been possible with stimulants. Oh, and another finally, I don’t have to convince doctors that I should be able to take it on weekends instead of just on work days. Because maybe I want to be productive in my own days too.
Stimulants have helped me get to sleep better when I take them in the mornings, but that's probably more because they prevent me from taking massive early evening naps that disrupt my later sleep schedule.
God, not having it be a controlled substance sounds great though.
Not going to lie, did a tiny deep dive into atomoxetine as I was not aware of it before now. Because not being on a controlled substance sounds pretty good. Seems like it works really great for some people but for other people it is not a fun experience at all. The potential side effects seem to be on par with methylphenidate for the most part, with a few "fun" twists.
But concerta (generic) does work for me, at the moment so...
Anyway, hopefully Weldawadyathink manages to get it sorted for them fairly quickly.
I hadn't heard of the chemical name before, but I was familiar with the brand name Strattera. But my Vyvanse is working well so I'll stick with that for the time being.
Ah that makes more sense, drug regulations between countries can be so stupid. Best of luck sorting it out!
It's because, until recently, you would never find a person in the medical field really prescribing something that they themselves have experienced.
Ketamine treatment is a good example. Practitioners are required to go through the treatment themselves, before asking that their patients do it. Addiction counselors often require that the counselor has personal experience themselves with addiction. It's almost like empathy is a critical part of patient centered care.
I would love for a psychiatrist to go through the fun gamut of - try all these medications for 3-4 months each, and go through withdrawal and experience inefficacy 90% of the time, oh and all the side effects too. Oh and also, jump through all the hoops of trying to get the medication that is most effective for you and be denied, because your doctor is afraid of losing their license.
I think some doctors recommend trying a break every once in a while because the level of dysfunction due to ADHD can vary throughout life. Especially since there are risks with long-term use, there can be benefits to occasionally seeing how life is off the meds.
I have a close friend who works as a paramedic, and she finds her work so mentally stimulating that she hasn't needed meds while she's on the job. However, when she was in school, she absolutely had to have her meds to function.
I know with stimulant medication, short tolerance breaks every now and then are recommended. But for most people with ADHD in most circumstances, going off stimulant medication for a longer period is a bigger risk than remaining on that medication, in terms of how it affects the patient's life. Stimulant meds for ADHD are exceptionally effective and low-risk compared to most psychiatric medication, so I suspect it has far more to do with surrounding sociological factors than those types of health risks. Like the fact that it's a scheduled substance and thus there can be scrutiny over how much a doctor prescribes in some jurisdictions.
None of the even half-reasonable justifications for doing this make sense for a non-stimulant medication like Strattera though. I genuinely can't fathom why that would be something a psychiatrist would choose normally, though perhaps the international move played a part under these circumstances.
Regarding the space thing, people joke all the time about ADHD ppl lacking object permanence. Out of sight, out of mind. It would help explain the observations that people with ADHD "lose" or "forget" things, and thus often have to re-buy them (ADHD tax). I guess we just have a weird or different relationship with visual shit.
My personal theory is that a lot of what ADHD people experience isn't really that there is something wrong with them or something to fix, it's more that we live in a society that was not designed for us, so we end up appearing as -- faulted? We don't have time blindness, society just expects you to be constantly available every second of every day since the phone was invented. I don't have sensory processing disorders, other people have just completely desensitized themselves to feeling a seam in their socks, or smelling a mildew smell from a laundry machine in a closed closet in a room far way. I'm joking, but also serious lol. I'm sure I'm in denial.
March mood chart
I guess the most significant stuff this month has been interpersonal stuff.
The first one being just a really bad day with a friend that I went to see. She cancelled what we had planned in advance which was the reason I had allotted so much time there. Meant to help her pack up stuff in her apartment but she wouldn't even let me go inside, so we had to go out and spend like 8 hours outside (in shitty weather, I might add). I just agreed to it because what else was I going to do. I only had tickets for the train in the evening. It was fine for a few hours but then her mood turned for some reason. She said that she just wanted to go home - 3 hours before my train. So I'd be left in the city with nothing to do.. it created a conflict and while she did stay, it put a real damper on that day and heavily affected me in the following days. It seems like we're fine now but she is not doing well - for which I definitely do not blame her. But she is reacting outwards and even lashes out, often becoming a total bitch. It's hard to deal with and I feel our relationship is becoming strained because of it.
The other one was 100% just in my head. Firing on all cylinders, seeing signs of things when there weren't any, all of it was only perceived and none of it real. I won't go too much into this but after talking it out, thankfully there was a lot of understanding, but then it was just a ton of self-hatred afterwards for basically entirely imagining it. I try to apply strategies and techniques that I learned in therapies, like looking at the facts objectively, but then I can't, and then it doesn't make it make sense in my head in any way other than the negative way.. and so I spiral out of control. Like, seriously, none of it was real. I mean, all my feelings were real, and it was fucking excruciating. I'm just so tired of it, and this disorder. I can't even imagine at this point what it's like to not feel worthless. I just want to be normal but I never will be, and I can't seem to accept it nor make any progress whatsoever towards learning to accept it..
It sucks that things have been going the way they have been going in your life recently.
Related to the first scenario, where your friend kinda screwed you over. I have been asking myself recently, "why are we so mean to the closest people in our lives?" And the answer is...not ideal? For me at least, when I learn a new skill, let's say, it's boundary setting. If I want to practice that, I will practice it with someone I trust the most and who is patient and understanding. This is all fine and dandy, until it's not. Because I don't know how to boundary test, or have even enough awareness to know how to test it at a lower stake instead of a higher stake, I will most likely test it out at the wrong time and with the wrong intensity. For me, it has been big blow ups that I regret deeply after I realize what has happened. I will set a very rigid boundary kind of "out of nowhere" with some of my closest people in my life, and then my reaction is not great because I know they will forgive me (I don't have this conscious thought, this is all me dissecting my choices and brain after the fact, in my conscious mind at the time I 100% think I am appropriately practicing the tool).
I am rambling, but all that is to say, maybe that is what that person is doing to you. It's not an excuse, just an explanation. And perhaps you will find some solace in knowing that she perhaps feels really bad about it. But I also hope it gives you some strength to maybe set her in line? Sometimes I wish the person I was lashing out to had said, "you are testing out a skill on me, but your use of it is inappropriate" or "I do not want to be your test tube". I like to think it would have stopped me from doubling down on my actions.
Take care, smoontjes, and I hope you find some relief and recovery!
I don't quite have the energy to properly reply to this but I thank you for your response and your advice resonates with me - and also thank you for being so helpful in this thread to so many others. True kindness ❤
I feel awoken by my thoughts, pretty much everyday. Does anyone else experience this? And if so have they been able to manage how - exhausting it is ?
What happens to me is whenever I wake up in the morning it’s literally like bam. Eyes open. Mind on. I’m thinking about really kinda random or weird things if I’m being honest. A lot of them these days are like this “I’m awake now. I desire to check my phone. Don’t do that. It’s bad. Go back to sleep, your body still feels exhausted.” I will try to go back to sleep, but it is futile, so then my brain goes “well you did a good enough job of not playing with your phone immediately when you woke up so now you can use it.” And then I basically get up and use my phone.
That’s one version, but I also wake up (and it truly feels like the thoughts wake me up - before my alarm) and think things like, “it’s so frustrating that we have to work in a society where our jobs are tied to healthcare”. The way I’m writing these thoughts doesn’t really reflect the urgency, frustration, and distress or irritation I feel from them. They really feel so invasive.
I guess it’s a lot of dread or doom and gloom or frustration, but I don’t understand why it feels so jolting to me and disruptive to my sleep that is already not restorative ?
I’d be interested to know if anyone else has experienced this and am also open to advice. Thank you. Hope everyone can find some relief this week.
Definitely have experienced, mine come more at the beginning of the night but I definitely end up staying up once I wake up, whether that's at 3am or 6am.
Ideas:
Or even just "I'm allowed to rest"
Sometimes writing down the stressful thoughts gets them out of my head
Putting on thunderstorm sounds - I'm allowed to reach for my phone but just to do that.
Bedtime mode on the phone so when you pick it up it's in greyscale and has no notifications showing
When the thoughts are really bad I will sometimes tap my forehead lightly. It gives my brain something to fixate on and feels like it literally interrupts the thoughts cause it's right by my brain. There are therapeutic tapping therapies, this is just a thing that sort of works for me.
I will try:
"you are allowed to rest"
also, "you're having these thoughts and you are annoyed by them, they are disruptive to you, you are allowed to not want to feel that way." These often diffuse them, over time.
Also like the idea of tapping or some other physical motion to break the cycle and have an outlet.
Appreciate the advice.
Have you tried melatonin? While it can make things worse (more vivid dreams) if the dose is too high, I've found 1-2 mg helps me sleep a bit deeper and wake up well rested. The key for me is taking it 1-2 hours before bed time and making sure I follow all the other important bed time rituals (limiting screens, meditations, etc).
I may try it again, it used to make me very drowsy in the mornings. I am struggling to feel tired, but also to feel rested when I wake up, because I think my sleep is just so fucked, tbh. I used to be a very physically active person, and I just haven't been able to replace those activities with my new version of disability.
Taking a smaller dose earlier before bedtime may help?
I used to have the same carry-over effects with morning drowsiness until a doctor recommended I try liposomal melatonin. I personally use the DaVinci Laboratories brand to great effect. Liposomal melatonin is faster acting and more bioavailable with smaller doses.
Yes, absolutely. When I'm stressed, it's so difficult turning my mind off and it affects my sleep. Then, my sleep schedule gets completely disregulated and into weird cycles (sometimes not falling asleep, sometimes waking up in the middle of the night, sometimes waking way too early).
During the daytime, I sometimes find myself humming to block out an intrusive thought. A funny little thing but it seems to help! My last therapist also helped me learn to create "balancing thoughts" that help me flip my own narrative against whatever is stressing me. They don't change or dismiss reality. Just help change my outlook where possible, which can have an overall positive impact on my thoughts.
I also give myself grace that can be perfectly ok to distract myself from my own worries. Doom scrolling wouldn't really be a healthy distraction, but at night, I sometimes fall asleep (or fall back asleep) listening to an audiobook or long video on my phone, as my brain is too busy focusing on the narration to get stuck worrying.
Exercise and spending time outdoors can also help me sleep, if only by tiring me enough physically that it overrides my mind's activity.
As a final measure, I have a prescription for a light sleep aid. I don't (and am not supposed to) use it often, but it's frankly a relief just to know I have a backup, and it helps me to re-regulate my sleep cycle when I do take it.
I'm doing good, managed to go through with my mothers funeral, everything went really well with it, it was beautiful and very well thought out by me.
Description of the funeral, etc
The funeral
A friend of mine, my late mother, daughter and late sister was the officiant of the civil funeral, really good pick. She did an amazing job and had prepared fantastically by interviewing a lot of people.
She started by reading an honest speech by me. That felt good and brave, and I was validated by the people that matter to me that it was good. She followed that by talking about my mothers life based on the interviews and her own knowledge.
Then there was some music and singing by groups that my mother used to play/sing with.
A speech by one of my mothers extra-daughters (that I recently have started to know well and like too, and not only politely), that was amazing.
The last thing was that instead of people leaving a flower by the urn (she was cremated) I had arranged my mothers stone and seashell collection so they could approach to say goodbye and take one of them as a memory.
That part of the ceremony was extremely well received, people started chatting with each other and it also had the benefit of me not having to shake hands and chitchat (or receive condolences from people I don't know or even like) with everyone as they rather came up to me and proudly showed their pick! ;)
Later this month her ashes will be spread out in the same "memory grove" (sv: minneslund) as her husband and daughter.
The party
After the funeral I had arranged a small party with a big stew (in my mothers style) and sangria (her recipe and served from the same angria bucket she used since the 80s). We where almost 90 people celebrating her 88th birthday in the same house where we lived for my childhood (she sold it to some friends of mine and kind of adopted that whole family). It went well, people where eating, drinking, giving more speeches, singing, etc.
During her last couple of months she was ready to go, but one of the few things that lit the spark in her eyes was the thought of celebrating her 88th birthday (she was, among other things, a math teacher and loved her 55th, 66th, 77th birthday while she barely acknowledged her 60th, 70th, 80th one)
The Sunday after the funeral I was having coffee with a person that I thrust who just told me in a "by the way"-manner that my mother was proud of me: how I live my life and how I am a parent.
I was floored, had to cry about it for 3 days straight, and even now I start crying just thinking about it. I really, really didn't know: she never told me anything that could give me reason to suspect that she was anything but tremendously disappointed and dissatisfied with me.
It is sooo sad to think about how incapable she was and how stunted I have been by her disappointment. Thankfully I plan/hope to live for another 50 years and will have plently of time to do differently.
This will take some time, but in cleaning out her old apartment I think I will be able to clean out some emotional stuff too.
I'm also proud of myself that I have taken command in my relationship to think about the summer, what we want to do and when. I prefer to not really do anything special but if I'm doing something I at least want to make plans about it. My partner wants to do stuff but can't make plans to save her life. It was a rough day, but we managed to do plans, get ideas and zero in on some options: looks like I'm going on a tango-trip! (Really scary, but an area where I want to challenge myself).
My daughter is doing fine and surprises me constantly by how self-reliant and cool she really is. I know she's 20+ but I'm still not used to having an adult kid. Yesterday she told me something that cracked me up so much I could only laugh in her face and not be supportive about it at all: one thing that can be hard with ADHD is when you know you have to do something at a certain time you can't really do anything else before it. She realised that she did that with going to sleep, every evening she has that feeling of not being able to do stuff because she has to go to sleep later. LOL
Well, that's a little of how I'm doing.
Why do I even post here?
I see that I have posted 2 kind if up beat posts in these monthly threads.
I still would like to continue doing that, if I keep feeling well. I have been quite depressed and struggled a lot with anxiety for most of my life. Lately I've felt better but I don't want to forget my history and posting her is one way to do that. I have also done a lot of work to get here.
It also helps me to notice how I'm doing.
Please let me know if it's inappropriate for me to continue posting like this here in the monthlies.
If anyone tells you that it's inappropriate, send them my way, and I will set them straight! ;) This topic isn't just for people currently struggling with major mental health issues. Even people with positive experiences to share are welcome here, as are people like yourself who just want a safe place to journal about their mental health ups/downs. As the topic text says, "Let's make this a compassionate space for all who may need one." [emphasis mine]
Thank you, I read it in the topic-post, but somehow it's still hard to believe spaces are for me even when it's clearly stated.
❤️ :)
My daughter is only 10, but I already love those moments. The other day I was rubbing her back at bedtime and she said, "can you do it lower?" So in true dad joke fashion, I said (in a very deep voice), "Like this?" Her immediate response was to start using north/south/east/west directions so I couldn't make pun. She's got a very quick mind and I love seeing it.
Not great. Job hunt is still barren as expected, and I've still not heard back about the FP&A assistant role I interviewed for on Wednesday. Whether that's a good sign or not... I don't know.
Lately I've gone through waves of depression. On Friday and Saturday when I was out for karaoke nights, I was very visibly down, to the point where others were concerned.
I think I still feel a lot of guilt and I don't know exactly why. I just don't feel like a good person and like it's all going to come crashing down on me.
Unemployment sucks at the best of times, but at least here in the US we are entering a downturn.
I hope your opportunity comes through.
I am also unemployed and yeah it sucks.
Britain's been in a downturn since 2008, and we never really recovered from it. Keir Starmer isn't helping either.
I mentioned the postpartum depression last month, and I continue to be signposted away from every supposed resource I contact. It's now been four weeks since I self-referred to the NHS therapy service, so just another two until the initial assessment appointment. In the meantime I've spoken with my local autism charity, my GP, my GP's mental health practitioner, and the health visiting team.
Autism charity and GP MHP both suggested another charity, GP MHP also linked me to several charities that do low-cost or lower-than-private-cost counselling. One health visitor said she'd refer me to the perinatal mental health team, another said I couldn't with an open NHS therapy self-referral. GP gave me a prescription at least to help me sleep, though when I tried to renew it to collect as I ran out the surgery cancelled the request because they assumed that "1 or 2 per day or as needed" definitely meant "less than 1 per day" when I actually need 2 per day.
Baby is at least starting to sleep better, but is also requiring more from me both physically and emotionally and I just can't keep up. And that's with huge amounts of help from my partner, which just makes me feel even more guilty as he burns himself out trying to manage everything I can't.
Edit: I forgot to add, in light of all this buck-passing, I bought myself a DBT self-help book that someone in the AskAManager commentariat recently said helped them. I've never tried DBT, so it's worth a shot.
It’s so frustrating that mental health resources are so difficult to navigate by the very people who need those services. A new parent with depression shouldn’t need to go through almost anything to get help. We as a society need to start listening to the people who cry for help. When I got my ADHD diagnosis, I wouldn’t have been about to make it through the bureaucracy if I didn’t already have medication from a sketchy online psychiatry company.
You are worth it. You are fantastic. Good luck with the healthcare, and congratulations on the baby !
I feel dumb even saying it in the context of some of the other threads here, but I’m an emotional wreck this week for a very simple reason: my work schedule this week involves me leading an overseas training from 4-8am my time. The mental and physical exhaustion that comes with needing to wake up at 3:15 and then be “on” at 4am has got me really crossed up. I’m so fussy and cranky about everything, and have to resist the overwhelming urge to nap because I don’t want to further screw up my already-screwed-up sleep schedule for this week. I’ve literally caught myself acting out like a fussy kid. I’m eating like shit and drinking way too much coffee so my tum’s a mess too. Ugh.
I’m really sorry to see what’s happening to others here, and for what little it may be worth, my heart goes out to all of you that are having a tough time. If there’s anything a random internet stranger can do to help, please let me know. ❤️
Not to be that person, but please don't compare yourself to others, especially not here.
You, your feelings, your troubles, your whatevers are valid.
Otherwise it just turns into a pity competition that noone wants or can really win in any meaningful way.
Also: changes around sleep are hard, it is not a joke. There is a reason sleep depravation is considered torture and is not allowed under the Geneva convention.
Got a blood test result on Monday showing that my liver isn't working properly, they don't know why, and now I have to go in and get a bunch of tests done. Have spent the week in perpetual crippling anxiety unable to do or think of anything else, and will likely be in perpetual anxiety until the tests next month; the UK healthcare system moves at an unbelievably glacial pace, I first went to the doctor about all of this in December and at every single step it's been "we just need to do this one thing, are you free at 8:13am on this random weekday in 5 weeks?", over, and over, and over, and over. Desperately trying not to spiral, but fuck, I can't deal with the waiting anymore. It's literally been nonstop for 6 months now and at this rate I'm expecting it to go on for at least 3-4 months more.
I'm really sorry, medical anxiety can, ironically, make it worse when there should be certainty. And liver issues are well, not something that should be taken lightly. :/ I hope you can get some certainty sooner rather than later.
Well, being overwhelmed with both the world and my own country has made ADHD a bit worse. I'm going to London in a bit more than a week though, which is nice. Though with ADHD being ADHD I still have to get my ETA. 🙃
...which is pretty minor. But.... urgh. I know that the American political landscape is dominating but the Dutch one has also been good for grievance. We have a list of crisis' and our cabinet - which is supposed to, you know, govern - has been doing nothing but infighting. If the cabinet doesn't fall soon I genuinely think I'll have to move out of the country eventually if I want to find a place to live. It's just. Been. That. Fucking bad.
The thing I expected my dental health to be bad about has probably been nothing, fortunately. The dentist does suspect it might be due to some old filling being very deep and thus the nerve may be slowly dying, though that is unlikely. And I certainly hope so as another root canal treatment would be something.
So yeah, overall just overwhelmed and depressed about the future. But I will fight on, I refuse to give bad faith actors that final satisfaction of resignation.
It'll be hard to find a place in Europe where you won't run into similar issues.
I've lived in Hungary the past few years and I've been thinking about living somewhere else but it's getting less likely that I'll move around within Europe in the medium term. For one, everywhere I look people are dealing with similar challenges to various degrees, not just here. Ultimately I'm the only one responsible for my happiness, and changing places for this reason would mean that I would have to accept yielding my ability to live well to external factors. Naturally it could be easier elsewhere, but I feel that the harder the challenge, the more resilient you become and grow as a person.
FWIW while it's been a turbulent few years I think it's worth staying optimistic for the future. I'm seeing cracks forming in my own country's leadership, and other places with similar people in power are also facing significant resistance. These guys are running on borrowed time.
Yeah, I think despair hit me particular hard today because there was a very, very stupid debate in our parliament. I won't bore you with the details but it's amazing that the cabinet hasn't fallen yet. The Netherlands has a few issues that makes solving the housing crisis even more challenging for us, so it's difficult to not get caught in that despair from time to time.
I hope you guys can get rid of Orban, he's such a corrupt weakling.
I'm either in denial about my emotions or they're currently balancing each other. Partner and I are having a relatively smooth first home purchase. We were approved for a ten day close by our lender and we've kept on being extremely responsive. On the other side of "omg I'm gonna be a homeowner" excitement is anxiety about the next 9 days and what they might bring. And all the stuff we're going to do in the coming three months to a year. It's two and a half hours since bedtime and neither my partner nor I can sleep.
Also, my (step)grandma passed away the day we found the house. The grief is not processing, but I'm sure it's there and probably helped manifest yesterday's migraine. It's probably going to show up at a really bad time and it's probably one of the several reasons I can't sleep or bring myself to read very much right now. She was the first person to take me to a bookstore. I wish we had had more time to talk about reading, among other things, because I've just returned to it as an adult. My childhood memories from visiting with her are some of my best memories. She hadn't been able to speak without breathing issues for sometime, which unfortunately means that I really didn't get to connect with her very much recently (she also liked Trump etc., which made me nervous to get on a call with her or into a chat). This is my third relative to pass in the space of a year.
I have one more grandparent left (of 6 total). I'm trying to make my time with her count.
Anyway, I'm so overrun with all of this that things just aren't processing the way I expect them to. I'll probably burst into tears soon.
It's been awhile. The past few months I've just been sucked into this game I've been playing with a good friend. It helps me not get sucked into the negativity, there are some nice folks on it which I can chat with. Venlafaxine has been upped to near max and I just don't seem to feel any changes and it makes me a little hopeless. I'm apathetic towards 99% of things. I barely take care of myself outside of the necessities and everything else feels really exhausting or the barrier is just too high.
I'm still struggling with my autism diagnosis at the age of 51. The knowledge of my autism has tuned me into sensations that I'd dismissed or hidden from myself for decades. I'm disabled. I feel like I've suddenly been turned into a child again but in the least pleasant ways. There are so many mood swings due to sensory overload and sensory overload due to mood. My jnterroception is improving but faster than I know how to deal with.
It's only now that I remember how light sensitive I was when I was younger. Now, when I'm suffering or approaching a meltdown, watching TV can be agony.
Shopping in a store? I've done it twice since diagnosis. Both times, I was wearing noise cancelling headphones the whole time. The first time was Costco a month ago. I needed a break while in the store and then to sit in the car for an hour before driving home. Yesterday was the grocery store. It was too crowded, too visually busy, too little room to move without being interrupted by others in the space I was trying to move into. I got into the self-checkout line (I used to avoid these on principle as I favor supporting humans over machines as well as finding the lack of support dealing with edge cases annoying). I immediately felt anxious and had to get out of the line. It was another hour+ sitting in the car afterward before driving home.
My wife has been a champ, supporting me by taking up the responsibilities, with nary a complaint, that I was only just starting to learn how to take on prior to the diagnosis. I suffer so much guilt for it. I know I should be doing more. Then I try, I hurt, tend to push too close to the red line, and then I'm wrecked for hours.
I suppose I'm improving slowly. I'm beginning to recognize signs of meltdown and signs of signs. Getting wrecked for hours is better than the whole day. But progress is so slow. I'm still unemployed. I don't know when I'll be able to change that without causing myself harm.
I've enlisted all kinds of support. I have a new therapist and an OT who are both AuDHD: their lived experience is crucial to me. I have an eating disorder specialist (self-diagnosed BED) who specializes in working with ND patients. I'm attending a local virtual support group every other week. One of my dearest friends is autistic so we're now sharing day-in-the-life insights. And, in my sporadic AuDHD way, I'm ingesting books on autism and "Explaining AuDHD". Oh, and I'm occasionally looking at the relevant subreddits.
I'm trying to religiously take my Vyvanse. I'm starting to recognize that my Vyvanse decreases my baseline sensory overload. It's crucial for me. I'm also trying to get back into cycling, now that the weather is starting to improve. Cycling used to leave me feeling better the rest of the day. Now, it doesn't do as much for me as it did but it still helps.
Been in a bit of a funk as of late. My job has changed from vehicle testing and solving problems and being useful to driving on the freeway to feed data to a computer, and it's a little disappointing. I'd rather have a job than not, but even as I say that, I keep on going back on "maybe it would have been better if I could get unemployment and focus on school/mental health/my Netflix queue for a bit of time." I know rationally that I'm in a better spot for having a job and I could make the case for fitting in what I want to do around having a job, but I don't have a lot of spoons to budget for extra stuff for lack of a better term. I have a four day weekend next week, maybe I'll make some decisions then.
Not doing so hot if I'm honest but could be a lot worse. In early March, I was put on a "performance improvement plan" at work as I had only "met most expectations" for two performance cycles in a row. I was told that this plan would last 4 weeks. I finished those 4 weeks well, exceeding the expectations that my manager had for me. Unfortunately, the following Tuesday after this plan, my manager told me that I needed to continue this plan for a few more weeks. Previously, they were very explicit in saying that my plan would only last 4 weeks but with this extension, they've been a bit vague, saying it'll last "a few weeks". I've never heard of PIPs being extended like this. That day when I heard about this plan being extended, I was crashing out a bit. However, after letting that initial shock wear off, I've just been trying my best to maintain my momentum from the last 4 weeks and finish this plan off. My manager's been telling me that his "data signals" for me have been looking really good and that promotion is on the cards. I really do hope I can get promoted in September, this plan has just wrecked my confidence at work.
On the brighter side, I moved out of my parents place last month (terrible timing I know) and I've been enjoying living by myself. I'm now in a major city, not that far from my parents. I'm enjoying just walking and using public transit to get around. I've explored some new restaurants as well. There's definitely a lot of stress around moving out, which definitely can be a bit overwhelming with my work stress, but I feel like I've been managing okay. I do plan on scheduling some appointments with a therapist soon though just to work through my thoughts with someone.
Not great. I started a job that I like but is stressful. Especially after a long time of not working.
I don't know. I missed taking my stimulants today. I'm in pain and just filled with self loathing.
I've got family gatherings to deal with this week too. I'm never in a good mental space after those.
I think I've figured out that I have ADHD. It runs in the family (both parents have symptoms, four of my siblings have ADHD diagnoses, lots of cousins with ADHD). I may make a thread about this because it's kind of blowing my mind.
I've been really struggling with task prioritization and actually sitting down to do one thing or another as a working professional. I was an honour student, but I always procrastinated everything till the deadline, feeling anxious all the while.
It's making me recontextualize a lot of my childhood. My parents got me diagnosed with bipolar mania as a young kid, but I was never that depressive and later psychs agreed bipolar didn't fit. I've never really heard what others are saying unless I pay 100% attention and have no distractions, and I'm thinking that a lot of the behaviour my parents saw as "defiance" may have just been attention-span issues. I was always, always bored in school and avoided going as much as possible.
When I talked to one of my siblings about my recent mental health struggles and anxieties around deciding out what to do, he said my struggles sounded familiar and recommended I try taking an Adderall. I took the pill not expecting much. After an hour, my mind suddenly felt clear and calm in a way I almost never experience. I could think of what I'd like to do then actually follow through without any major distractions or anxiety about my choices. My wife remarked that I seemed calm and had completely stopped interrupting people for once in my life!
The constant stress and ptsd have finally gotten to me. I have been having trouble sleeping for the past week. I'm tired, but when I close my eyes it's as if this metal emptiness takes shape in me and I can't fall asleep.
My adult life turned into a struggle to sleep enough while being scared I won't sleep enough. The nightmares I usually dream are dreadful, but not sleeping at all is terrible in its own way.
I know what this is like and I feel for you. Everything is harder without sleep. Hang in there and I hope you get some respite soon.
My own struggles are pretty dumb in the context of this thread, I'd say.
The last several weeks, I've been working on selling some old stuff (computers) and buying a new computer; this was nice, because it gave me an obsessive focus and allowed me to just kind of easily ignore my anxiety.
But now that I have my computer in my hands, my anxiety is back and it's just worried about everything. It's a general anxiety--definitely due to the state of the US/World right now--but it's finding numerous things to latch onto.
*One of my kids has off school tomorrow (they do every Friday right now) and I'm anxious over what I'm going to do with them to keep them occupied and both of us happy.
*I'm anxious about what my day entails today, what will I work on? Will I accomplish it? What if I don't want to do anything?
*I'm anxious about my Saturday, which is a day I ought to be excited about. I have to take my youngest to swim class in the morning, but then I'm relieved of duty all day. I get to go hang out with my friends all day, then I'm going to a show that evening to see one of my favorite bands. But what will eat for lunch? What time should I be back? Where am I meeting my brothers to go to this show? What will I eat for dinner? The show is long, will I be able to stay the whole time? Will I get to see the other bands that seem pretty cool? Will I be able to stay awake until midnight when the show theoretically ends? What shoes will I wear? Will my knees hurt?
I'm just anxious about everything right now and it's exhausting.
Hi, I'm struggling mentally at the moment ( I have C-PTSD, depression, and anxiety ) as I've ran into issues on another sight that I will not name. I asked a question ( I wasn't sure if I was allowed to post a praise about myself ) and I got a hostile response from them.
I told them to chill out and that I didn't want any trouble, and I was just asking a question. They were still acting rude to me. On another, area of the unnamed site. You have to wait until your post was approved, so I messaged them and told them I posted. They pretty much told me to go F@#k myself and go find a blog.
That was all within the last hour. I'm trying to stay positive, but it's hard because my depression is acting up a little bit. It feels like I'm doing everything wrong and I shouldn't even really exist, and that I'm a mistake and a burden.
C-PTSD is the worst. I found out this was my diagnosis about 2-3 years ago and the recovery process has pretty much taken over my entire life since then. Sorry to hear you were dealing with so much BS from that site mod, totally understand how that situation would be really triggering. Feel free to shoot me a DM about the C-PTSD stuff any time, maybe we could share resources and whatnot. Hope your day is a little better today than the day you posted this.