Well, my own saga is continuing. A lot has happened the past month in my life, and I'm still reorganizing my brain. Or perhaps it's more accurate to say my brain is reorganizing itself - as I...
A lot has happened the past month in my life, and I'm still reorganizing my brain. Or perhaps it's more accurate to say my brain is reorganizing itself - as I can't put any breaks on the process and I've been exhausted the past two weeks in particular.
At the core I realized where nearly all, if not all of my issues come from. Even many things that seemed small and only tangentially related to the rest.
Turns out my parents did not, and most likely still do not, really love me - they love who I would be without autism.
Needless to say, this has really hit me like a brick. I'm really happy I have therapy on Monday. I don't remember the last time I needed a therapy session this badly...
Hey, while I’m not sure how helpful I can be, I wanted to respond because I can relate, if only tangentially. This sounds like an extraordinarily painful conclusion to come to. You feel like this...
Hey, while I’m not sure how helpful I can be, I wanted to respond because I can relate, if only tangentially.
Turns out my parents did not, and most likely still do not, really love me - they love who I would be without autism.
This sounds like an extraordinarily painful conclusion to come to. You feel like this piece of yourself, that’s frankly indistinguishable from what makes you “you” (at least in my experience with ASD) is also a piece that is wholly rejected by the outside world.
I wanted to respond because I went through a similar rejection, and that probably was the hardest thing I’ve had to do in my life so far. When something or someone from the world comes to develop an image or idea of you that they like, and eventually you realize they adore this idea of you rather than what’s actually you, the relationship feels betrayed.
It’s worse when you’ve come to depend on that relationship as a part of your core identity. Since the relationship appears dependent on an idea of you that isn’t actually you, you have a “choice” to try to fit in with the person they want you to be and maintain the relationship, or to reject and possibly lose that relationship.
I say “choice” because it often seems that both are equally impossible: you either betray yourself or betray yourself. I know what I did, but I still don’t really know what to make of who I am in the aftermath of it all. Sometimes that makes me feel like I’m unsure of whether I am authentic at all.
I hope your therapy session helps you come to some bearing of the situation. Know that you are heard.
Oh ;_; oh ...... What a heavy realisation. Its probably not a wonderful thought, but perhaps one that explains a lot. Is the radical self love and coming through cptsd doing okay? :) it gives me...
Oh ;_; oh ...... What a heavy realisation. Its probably not a wonderful thought, but perhaps one that explains a lot.
Is the radical self love and coming through cptsd doing okay? :) it gives me hope to see some people going through and finding there is an outside, at least for some.
It does. I'm pretty sure I could've only come to this realisation while having it. It's a very heavy process though, as some parts of my brain are fighting back heavily. I'm looking forward to...
It does. I'm pretty sure I could've only come to this realisation while having it. It's a very heavy process though, as some parts of my brain are fighting back heavily.
I'm looking forward to Monday. I'm pretty sure I can reclaim my life.
Today I'm feeling painfully aware that I talk faster than my brain can string together coherent thoughts. It's nothing new, but the social anxiety + ADHD really work against each other in moments...
Today I'm feeling painfully aware that I talk faster than my brain can string together coherent thoughts. It's nothing new, but the social anxiety + ADHD really work against each other in moments like this. The end result is that I don't think I come across as being very well-spoken even when I understand the topic being discussed. I work remotely, so most of my communication is typed, but I do worry that I'm unintentionally sabotaging others' views of me as a developer when I trip over myself while talking about things I'm supposed to (and do) understand. It's a bummer :/
If you're in some sort of technical role or technical company, your coworkers might be used to having one of "these guys" around, who speak way too fast and loaded with information, that you want...
If you're in some sort of technical role or technical company, your coworkers might be used to having one of "these guys" around, who speak way too fast and loaded with information, that you want to ask them to email so the rest of the team can take an hour to catch up. :) they're very highly esteemed and valued in my company. I'm so glad that we live in an age where we have typing machines.
I'm travelling this fortnight, and already I forgot today's medication due to the disruption. I have yet again pushed off doing the Speech Language Pathology homework, even though I got an extra...
I'm travelling this fortnight, and already I forgot today's medication due to the disruption.
I have yet again pushed off doing the Speech Language Pathology homework, even though I got an extra week extension due to holiday.... I want to do it, it's interesting and beneficial work but I am having trouble starting it because it's something that will take more than a half hour, and I end up relaxing at the end of the day instead of push through for another half hour. Frustrating.
Part of the SLP advice is to make a chart with the non preferred tasks first before preferred activities. I know we all have the same 24 hours, but it feels like I have so little time that's truly 'mine' (between 8-11) I am hoarding them like Smaug instead of taking portions of it to doing things that improve myself.
Well, my own saga is continuing.
A lot has happened the past month in my life, and I'm still reorganizing my brain. Or perhaps it's more accurate to say my brain is reorganizing itself - as I can't put any breaks on the process and I've been exhausted the past two weeks in particular.
At the core I realized where nearly all, if not all of my issues come from. Even many things that seemed small and only tangentially related to the rest.
Turns out my parents did not, and most likely still do not, really love me - they love who I would be without autism.
Needless to say, this has really hit me like a brick. I'm really happy I have therapy on Monday. I don't remember the last time I needed a therapy session this badly...
Hey, while I’m not sure how helpful I can be, I wanted to respond because I can relate, if only tangentially.
This sounds like an extraordinarily painful conclusion to come to. You feel like this piece of yourself, that’s frankly indistinguishable from what makes you “you” (at least in my experience with ASD) is also a piece that is wholly rejected by the outside world.
I wanted to respond because I went through a similar rejection, and that probably was the hardest thing I’ve had to do in my life so far. When something or someone from the world comes to develop an image or idea of you that they like, and eventually you realize they adore this idea of you rather than what’s actually you, the relationship feels betrayed.
It’s worse when you’ve come to depend on that relationship as a part of your core identity. Since the relationship appears dependent on an idea of you that isn’t actually you, you have a “choice” to try to fit in with the person they want you to be and maintain the relationship, or to reject and possibly lose that relationship.
I say “choice” because it often seems that both are equally impossible: you either betray yourself or betray yourself. I know what I did, but I still don’t really know what to make of who I am in the aftermath of it all. Sometimes that makes me feel like I’m unsure of whether I am authentic at all.
I hope your therapy session helps you come to some bearing of the situation. Know that you are heard.
Thank you. That resonates a lot with me, and it's no doubt one of the many, many things I'm going to talk about on Monday in therapy.
Oh ;_; oh ...... What a heavy realisation. Its probably not a wonderful thought, but perhaps one that explains a lot.
Is the radical self love and coming through cptsd doing okay? :) it gives me hope to see some people going through and finding there is an outside, at least for some.
It does. I'm pretty sure I could've only come to this realisation while having it. It's a very heavy process though, as some parts of my brain are fighting back heavily.
I'm looking forward to Monday. I'm pretty sure I can reclaim my life.
Today I'm feeling painfully aware that I talk faster than my brain can string together coherent thoughts. It's nothing new, but the social anxiety + ADHD really work against each other in moments like this. The end result is that I don't think I come across as being very well-spoken even when I understand the topic being discussed. I work remotely, so most of my communication is typed, but I do worry that I'm unintentionally sabotaging others' views of me as a developer when I trip over myself while talking about things I'm supposed to (and do) understand. It's a bummer :/
If you're in some sort of technical role or technical company, your coworkers might be used to having one of "these guys" around, who speak way too fast and loaded with information, that you want to ask them to email so the rest of the team can take an hour to catch up. :) they're very highly esteemed and valued in my company. I'm so glad that we live in an age where we have typing machines.
I'm travelling this fortnight, and already I forgot today's medication due to the disruption.
I have yet again pushed off doing the Speech Language Pathology homework, even though I got an extra week extension due to holiday.... I want to do it, it's interesting and beneficial work but I am having trouble starting it because it's something that will take more than a half hour, and I end up relaxing at the end of the day instead of push through for another half hour. Frustrating.
Part of the SLP advice is to make a chart with the non preferred tasks first before preferred activities. I know we all have the same 24 hours, but it feels like I have so little time that's truly 'mine' (between 8-11) I am hoarding them like Smaug instead of taking portions of it to doing things that improve myself.