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Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (August 2025)
This is a monthly thread for those who need it. Vent, share your experiences, ask for advice, talk about how you are doing. Let's make this a compassionate space for all who may need one.
I moved back to my parent's place, and mentally that has been hard because of past trauma issues related to the place.
But I've come up with many coping mechanisms and meditate a lot. So that has been helping.
But I still cry sometimes.
This sounds like a fantastic first page in an adults poetry(?) book in childrens-book-format...
First page in each spread has one of these short texts describing a life event (however mundane, life altering, sad, scary, happy, w/e) ending with the line
Second page is a nice drawing or painting.
Preferably it would tell a story with the usual cadence ending "well" but still ofc keeping the crying part.
I honestly love this!
Do you want to go for it in private or should we try to do it cooperatively, with other tilderitians, over at ~creative?
Sure! That sounds like a good idea. Let's see what tildes can do. But would it be okay if you took the lead since I don't have the energy to do it?
I'm not even sure I will contribute!
I think one thing to note for this book is that crying has a plus side, it shows we're alive.
Oh, I agree and thanks for pointing it out.
I too think there are many benefits of crying, that's what struck a cord with me with the initial comment :)
A few months ago a friend decided to leave the corporate world and become a life coach. Out of a feeling that I owed this friend for a past situation where she helped me with something important, I agreed to sign up for a 3 month free life coaching package. Basically, let her practice some of the things she learned in her courses and get a positive review for her site once done.
Two sessions in and I already don’t like this whole thing, but like I said I feel I need to do it to be even. I’m going to basically have to pretend for the remainder of this trial, which kind of defeats the purpose of it, but I can do it. She does not know me well enough, and I’m not touching on anything too deep. Now, I’ll know she’ll likely ask if I want to continue after the initial trial. I’ll have to say no, but I already dread the conversation. I feel like this whole thing changed the dynamic from friend to client. When I say no after this trial period, I think it will basically be an end of the friendship too. In helping her out in starting her new business, I will have paid with the friendship we had. Kinda sucks.
Wow you should probably just tell her now huh?
Yes that is the right thing to do. Not sure why it feels so hard to do that.
(Feel free to disregard this comment if you are not looking for advice)
I think this:
Would be a fair and valid thing to say to get out of it, and probably a good starting point for the conversation.
That's really tough, especially the obligation part. I'm reading between the lines a bit, but it sounds like she is not someone who can accept constructive criticism? It's hard to have an authentic friendship if you can't speak your truth.
I hope at the end you can find something natural that makes it easier for you to break things off – maybe some other obligation, like a work or school project, or volunteering, that you can use to justify it without explaining?
Thanks you. Good idea, I’ll think of there is neutral way to bail without causing too much trouble.
I once said to a coach that she'd be the kind of person I can befriend, which is too bad because we're not friends. She countered with a very polite "this is a professional relationship" thing but I respect that.
The most elegant way to say no to continuing is to say "because I want us to still be friends". If she values the friendship she'd understand. If she doesn't value the friendship then that's a clean break with closure for you. :/
That's a very good point. Thank you.
I just finished a crazy 2 month rush to a deadline for a tech demo at work. The major stress has been the uncertainty (they don't know what they want this product to do), lack of resources (small team, completely new tech stack), and disillusionment because this was apparently an arbitrary internal deadline.
Within those limitations, we did really well. Gave the final demo last week, got a good response all the way up to upper management.
This weekend my family is out of town, so I've had a quiet weekend to myself. I was expecting to really enjoy it, and spend it putting together my new 3D printer, but I'm feeling really listless and depressed.
I spent a ton of time watching TV and playing video games. I finally managed to get started in the printer this afternoon. I am feeling disappointed about not making "good use" of the time, and also feeling pressure to be "recharged" when my family gets back tomorrow. I skipped yoga today and another social event because I just couldn't deal with the idea of seeing people.
After working on the printer, I do feel a little better. I just know I won't get it done before they get back, and there will be a million other things to do.
I don't know if I'm asking for help, but I think it was nice to honestly write out how I feel. I have therapy on Tuesday, so I can talk there as well.
Thanks for sharing <3 @first-must-burn
I'll try to go next, we'll see how the day goes...
If I may commiserate, arbitrary internal deadlines that cause undue stress to the team are just so agrivating. Im working in an industry that is not saving lives, and while 9/10 projects are very reasonable, now and then one gets under some exec's skin and it's just bonkers. No, completing a 3 year project in half the time doesn't sound like a bragging right.
Not withstanding, congrats on finishing! Did you feel a sense of relief after, or just empty? I hope you can take the time you need to relax, it can take a while. My managers have been pretty good about balancing quiet backwaters projects after a big one at work, so I dont have to blow all my personal/vacation time on re-energizing. Not sure if something like that is an option for you...
Thanks foe your kind words. It is encouraging to read!
It has been a quiet post-deadline week which has been nice. Our new manager has been communicating the groundwork for a steadier, more considered way of working, so I have hope for the future.
I have been working two jobs since the start of 2021 - my startup and a tough day job. We recently finally won a big grant that's a massive milestone for the startup and... I don't feel the elation I would've expected? I chalk it up to being stressed for too long and having too much to do all the time, but idk. Feels a bit sad to reach the mountain top and realize the reward is a bigger mountain.
The journey is the reward. I always build up these big moments in my head and when they happen it’s just that: a brief moment, then onto the next segment of work. I go hiking a lot and I find that moment at the top of the mountain to be pretty short compared to the journey up and the way down. It’s also likely that you put so much work into getting to that big milestone that when it happens you’re out of energy to celebrate, and it’s more of a “glad that’s finally done”. More of a relief than an excited celebration. Just my 2 cents. Either way, congrats on that grant! Your own startup is no joke. I’m not brave enough to even contemplate something like that. You, on the other hand, are doing it, succeeding, and managing to work a 2nd job while doing it. You are a machine! Hey, the better the startup does, the closer you get to not having to do the 2nd job. So that’s something to celebrate too.
I'm not sure if it offers any particular insight, but your comment reminded me of these two quotes:
I like the one from Dune.
I tried reading the other book and just couldn’t get through it, even though I do like some zen stuff and read other books on the subject.
To be fair, I think I only read the first half of Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. It's very navel gazing, and it started to get pretty weird.
It's been so long, but navel gazing does seem to ring a bell regarding this book.
The book that was a bit of a lightbulb for me was Not Always So by Shunryu Suzuki.
Neat, I'll check it out!
Thank you! You are spot on that it feels like a mixture of 'oh thank God it's done' exhaustion and paranoia that we're going to somehow eff this up and lose it as I wait for our accountant to update financial statements to submit to the government so we can get started...
But you're also right that I've learned so much by doing this, and I really should take more pride in that.
Thanks for taking the time to pick me up!
You're welcome!
Partner is struggling right now with existing in his current body, ability and pain level.
My best friend is struggling with suicidal thoughts but safe.
I'm having to deal with the potential stripping of DEI and discrimination against our trans students due to updated "guidance" on diversity.
I'm not sure why I'm supposed to want to keep trying. I am still, I will keep going, I just ... Lack the motivation.
I really wish I could offer you more than just my sympathies. I really do. :\ Take care.
I think I hit my wall. Ironically not due to work or politics but from everyone in my personal life turning to me for emotional support. I just don't have it to offer right now. I'm just exhausted. I don't know what to do about it. The house needs cleaned but I have nothing in the tank. I need to eat dinner but I'm wiped out.
I'm going to throw a pizza in the oven and hope to have the energy to eat it.
Damn.
I'm so far out of spoons i tossed the drawer out the window.
Oh man. I'm sorry, it doesn't quite surprise me given how people can most likely tell you're a safe person to be with.
You know this, and it bears repeating: you cannot give what you do not have. If you keep giving the price will be greater than not setting boundaries.
I do hate to say that to be honest. Because when I feel the need to tell that to someone experienced, it's usually not a good sign... If anything, I guess it's deeply intertwined with other things going on that makes it difficult for you to draw boundaries and take care of yourself.
Please, be careful. Both for yourself and the people you care about.
I genuinely have tried... i didn't, for example, offer my home or financial help for a friend struggling and facing homelessness, but I also can't, like, not do anything. So I pulled a bunch of resources for their area.
It's just that I've got very little in the cup to pour so everything runs me empty. It'll be better when I go into work tomorrow. My professional battery is fine. But it's right now even just the ask that is wearing on me. Even if I don't act. Sigh.
I slept for some hours this afternoon and at some point there relaxed enough. But the house is a mess and I hate that.
Just all the sighs
Good job. No, really, I mean that. Both setting the boundary and still doing what you can is so difficult when someone you care about struggles to that extend. And sometimes, just knowing that someone cares enough to do that can be what they need more than anything in that moment.
Urgh. Yeah that is really running on the lowest reserve rate possible. When the prep-empathy runs low that's a warning sign and a half. :\ I really hope you can still reserve some of that empathy for yourself.
Most likely you already would have done as such, but any chance you can get help from someone else with that? I'm aware your partner is disabled though so I could see that making things more difficult.
The irony is I am still empathetic to myself: it's not surprising that I'm here, given everything. And I have other things at home adding stress and regular therapy helping it. But I dont have answers or solutions, I'm just not beating myself up for running dry. So like... Yay for that at least. I'm just still here ya know
Partner has a personal assistant and they're pretty good but they're not a natural or professional house cleaner and it has to be pretty much task by task outside some regular routine things.
Normally I do more on the weekends but, not so much the past month or so, and partner has been feeling ill and didn't get his pain med refill because idk his doctor's office fucked up (and we'll be lucky if there's any in town because of the supply shortages) so yeah. Everything's just a lot. And on the one hand it's ok but on the other I don't like this feeling of deterioration
Partner and I talked about bringing a cleaner in before the holidays but maybe we do it sooner, just for a one-off. We can't really afford the regular cost (we already pay for yard service and I have adjusted therapy sessions in the past for the same reason. And the floor in the house is being torn up by the wheelchair and that's another future cost... Sigh honestly if I could pay off the wheelchair van we'd have room to breathe but this is all a separate stressor).
Is today any better?
Also I've never heard the out of spoons expression before, and I hope you find a teaspoon or two hidden somewhere :)
It is, and yesterday was too. Hopefully things can settle down a bit.
And for other folks who haven't heard of Spoon Theory
Here you go!
I am one of today's lucky 10,000. :) thank you, and I'm glad you're doing a bit better. To calmer and more predictable days!
I love xkcd, it has been such a good comic for so long, but this, the lucky 10,000 should be part of the world heritage.
It's just such a beautiful way of putting an end to all the gate keeping, and similar behaviour.
It warms my heart seeing it spread more and more.
Today was better, but still rough. I left my phone with my partner so he could call doctors and I could ship his for repair. I bought him a flip phone via Trac phone as a permanent backup so I can have my phone again. The phone was good because he had to go to the doctor today to get his pain meds, which is out of town in the other direction from my work so the PA took him. And the pharmacies could fill half of the script so... Two weeks covered.
Things went ok. Not having my phone sucked. I live too far away from actual town to use my apps for coupons for fast food breakfast or cash back from a convenience store from my house ಠ︵ಠ but it felt like... Normal non-existential problems you know?
And work went well even with students already in it. My kingdom for a way that actually gets people out of unhealthy relationships before shit gets worse.
Thanks for all the support y'all, I really did just collapse this weekend.
Well, I wont come to your house and clean or cook or organise or pay bills or whatever (although that is something I do for my people when needed), mostly because (a) we don't know each other like that, (b) I don't even want to try to get into the US and (c) I can't imagine it makes economical or scheduling sense.
However, if you need someone to lend an ear or to show you some great nature while chitchating or something I'll be here when/if my time permits.
I don't want to add to your workload so don't feel obliged reply to this comment and if you do don't feel the need to be polite about it. A "no" will do just fine.
Please don't try to get to the US. But I'm open to some body doubling or chatting or discord or something. Sometimes I get overwhelmed/the ADHD kicks in and I'm not super responsive but it's 100% just busyness or my brain and not an "I'm not interested."
In good news today was better. I got one of the three litter boxes changed and I'm going to try to do the 2nd in the morning.
Don't worry, I wont, just trying to express support in fathomable ways :)
Sure, I could use some body doubling in about 30h from the time of posting. Do you have a discord server we could use (yours or public we could lend)?
If you need an urgent vent, I can do it whenever (as long as there is a channel with the possibility for push notifications on android phones)
I figured you weren't, but just in case ..
I am doing ok and not in urgent need, unfortunately the timing won't work for me, I am slammed with meetings at work and don't have my usual down time. But if you don't mind me dming at you when I do need a vent/rant I'd appreciate it
Yes, feel free to vent at me at any time.
If you can; please state at the beginning if you are venting, asking for sympathy, thinking out loud and closed or open for thoughts from me.
I imagine that it'd be good if I were to find a new therapist to address myself to but until that happens, Hello Tildes, I'm feeling scared and vulnerable and maybe exposing these feelings to the public Internet isn't the smartest, but where has being smart and emotionally reserved gotten me? I've struggled with depression, a ruthless internal critic, and decision paralysis for decades, which could be my karma for generational trauma.
I don't know how to exercise compassion for myself. I'm fifty-three, single, no income and no savings. I intend to declare bankruptcy as soon as I can afford it. Fortunately I'm in a place where I have some time to work things out, my room and board is covered while I work here and I may even earn a little pocket money, pay off my IOUs to friends. I suppose that is actually very fortunate indeed.
I wrote a poem,
Nothing oh nothing
Time to do time to act but
Just crawl into No
There's so much I could be doing, practically speaking, to improve my circumstances.
Why can't I kick myself into gear already?? I'm not getting any younger.
Thanks for letting us know, I do think telling people is a good thing! <3
I recognise myself in what you write and if you want I can write something about how I managed to start turning it around a little bit.
I'm not in any way "perfect"; been laying in my sofa for 2h (it's only 2 because that's when I woke up to pee) trying to do one thing to get started so this day doesn't disappear too, we'll see
It's not easy to start new things and habits, but something I could recommend is starting small. Really small. For me, the thing I struggled with for many years was a regular exercise routine. I had short periods of enthusiasm for it, then I'd drop it for months/years on end. One day I found these 7 minute workouts via a free app. I was plagued by several pains, especially in my shoulder, neck, and back from sitting all day at the computer and all evening in front of the gaming console. So I figured, 7 minutes should be ok. No equipment needed, didn't even need to change clothes. Can literally do it in a hotel room next to the bed. That was the magic ingredient for me. It was so bite-sized and manageable that it barely felt like effort. Sure enough, after sticking to that for a couple of months, I naturally felt I could take on more, so I moved up to doing it twice (14 minutes). And so it went until I got back to a regular, full workout routine. I still fall off the bandwagon now and then, but now it's much easier to get back to it. Regardless of the hobby/task/habit you are trying to take on, see if this bite-sized approach works for you.
Your list of things to study is long. I would have a bit of choice paralysis tackling that because I wouldn't know which to pick first, so I'd pick none and go do something else altogether.
Thank you for sharing, that tracks.
You're living proof of neuroplasticity! I recently borrowed a book from our library, Atomic Habits, that agrees with you. Reading it hasn't stopped me from self-castigating, but I imagine that I need to begin some small regular applications to realize the truth of it for myself.
I recently got the audiobook for Atomic Habits. I see a lot of what it says in my own experience with the 7-minute workouts.
One tidbit I got from Atomic Habits recently was the whole idea of Habit Stacking. In my life specifically, to make sure I stick to my exercise routine in the morning, I leave my workout shorts in the bathroom, so that I have no excuse: wake up > brush teeth > put on workout shorts and apple watch > exercise. It's like railroading myself towards the workout with these mini actions. Makes it harder to find excuses (like when I feel extra lazy in the morning).
Lawyer who has practiced bankruptcy but not your lawyer.
Preferentially paying off some debts can cause big problems in bankruptcy court and the look back period is longer than most people expect.
Best of luck. I would get a free consultation before making plans. The national organization of consumer bankruptcy attorneys is a reputable organization.
Thanks! Actually, I've already talked to a bankruptcy lawyer, with the Legal Aid Society of Rochester. They'll be waiving their fee so all I need to pay is the court's fees, about $350 IIRC.
I still have to answer the court filing but I don't expect that I'll need to disclose most of the IOUs from my friends, who were incredibly helpful but nevertheless for small amounts.
You might want to ask your lawyer about that.
I don't blame you for being concerned but when I met my lawyer he had me fill out an outline of questions about my whole situation, including my financial obligations. And after I completed it we had a long conversation (which surely won't be the last), so I'm reasonably confident that if after I declare Chapter 7 I choose to return a few hundred $ to some dear close friends who'd given me some interest free help when I did sorely need it, that I won't regret doing that.
Should I really profess to my friends, once this process is over, that my hands are tied and I cannot return the favor? I certainly hope not.
For the most part, I misunderstood, because you didn't go into nearly this much detail, not that there was any reason to.
I'm happy and relieved to read this response. I hope you meant to write that you would pay them after the discharge was granted and the Chapter 7 was complete, rather than simply after filing Chapter 7.
Best wishes.
I feel quite energized, like a weight has been lifted of my shoulders and I've popped out from under the water like a ball that was held down
I'm throwing around tentacles of engagement towards lots of projects, people (friends, potential friends, potential romantic partners, potential sexual partners), books, ideas, etc, it is quite fun!
But... I'm not done with my mothers apartment and the rest of the stuff after her death, so I don't really have the capacity to take on new or hibernated projects. It's just sooo boring to do the final things, now it feels like a checklist (it is not that easy, just feels like it) that I must do.
And... I have not digested my latest romantic/sexual relationship almost at all, haven't had the time really!
So, I think in some ways I'm just trying to find new shinies to distract me from finishing up old things. I know this, but it is disheartening to realise this is just the same old, same old.
Well, we'll see how today goes... My intention is to:
Edit: some things got done, or actually I did a few things!
go through with my ideal morning routinesdo the weekly cleaning (apartment & self) steps I didn't do last Fridaywell the damn floors just won't let me clean them, but other than that I'm goodfix my strolling-bike and ride it to "my" lakework through the calisthenics program I I've decided to restartEdit continued: the visit at the lake was wonderful as always, I even managed to call an acquaintance that I struggle to make into a friend, we will go swim in the ocean next week, fun!
I don't want to make this a show-off comment, and just list everything I did well, it just seems that I need the slight accountability that writing things down here gives to manage to not stay in my sofa. I have some kind of vacation for 3 weeks, and I'm terrified I won't notice it but just let time pass and neither enjoy myself nor get things done.
Been single for a rather long time now and quite miss having a significant other in my life, but feel I can't meaningfully express or process that feeling since few things are less attractive than someone desperate.
Following all the standard advice of joining social groups, hitting the gym, just doing my own thing for a while has been nice and well worth doing just for myself, but it's still a rather lonely feeling not having anyone to share it with.
Been better, got blocked with someone I broke up with six months ago. They felt entitled to friendship get-togethers since then, and I didn't want to breadcrumb in that way or play their games. I'm disappointed, and am split between feeling like I could have handled myself better or gotten in front of it more, and feeling that a crash and burn was about the best way it could have gone down.
Job is going through a bit of a pivot right now, on one hand there's more spontaneity and troubleshooting available, but on the other hand, there are new vehicles with bigger profiles that they want highway data on as well, and that's a bit of an adjustment. We'll see how this goes.
With the risk of sounding like a grumpy old man, I find that friendships with people where there were romantic feelings involved (even one sided feelings), are tedious and not worth it. Better to spend the time and emotional energy elsewhere. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Those things are tough in the moment.
What ifs will always seem superior right after a raw moment, but it sounds to me like you gave it a chance to try and be a bigger person and preserve some relationship gently. I would be proud of your heart instead of regretting the outcome.
Since a few people seemed to be rather interested in my journey as I've been developing radical, unconditional, self-love. I figured I'd give an update. For those who haven't seen it but are curious, original comment, dark realization about my upbringing, something related to self care and male gender roles, and something semi-related about crying.
Things have been going well, but also still taxing. Despite the fact that the brain-reorganization is 'complete' with lack of better terms, it's also resulted in some other challenges. Most notably, the need to regulate a large amount of positive emotions. Because the process happened in the span of a month or two, I've had to learn to sit with my feelings far more rather than processing it in a way you typically do with negative emotions.
Also. Mourning. So much mourning. Over who I thought I was, what I thought my life was like. And because my self-love allows me to see some things with more clarity, it's led to more realizations about my issues.
I'm definitely planning to move out, even abroad. That'll take time, but I know I need it to remove some of the final shackles on my life. It's daunting to essentially restart my life in my early 30s. But it's calling to me in a way I've never had before. Hell, I never really planned my future truly for myself before.
As for that one person who helped me. They were surprised, of course, to hear 'thank you saved my life'. As it was, in a weird way, by accident. They did not feel like they could be put on that pedestal which I... can understand? Weirdly enough, that asymmetry between intent and consequences has also helped me come to term with my parents somewhat. As they had no ill intentions, yet deeply hurt me in so many ways...
What has also been a challenge is navigating all this when the world is practically burning down. I somehow feel far better about myself, and improving things, when. Well. sigh we all know what's happening.
So much this. I feel like, prior to the current generations, parenting was by and large not done with any intent at all. Person feels a sexual urge --> children are born. That's the end of consideration. Children have expectations and duties to contribute, esp towards the parents, but it's largely one directional. In my life, I've had to sort out that parents didn't mean to hurt us, because they didn't mean much of anything at all.
Oof, yeah. In my case they sometimes even had good intentions or well, didn't think much of it. I don't have the heart to ever tell them what I've gone through in reality either because. Well, the heartbreak alone and resulting fallout would not be worth it.
If I ever get kids I do hope to be far better, but that's not because I blame my parents for being unable. Hell, in some ways it wasn't even as much of being bad parents but just... bad luck due to kid not matching the parents.
If that's not a tragedy, I don't know what is...
It's also a positive sign that we're one of the first generations to break the cycle :) that we're actively trying to raise good kids and we respect and value them. That's probably been very rare throughout our history.
I didn't really know if, when and how to jump into this thread of thought...
This is the time!
I think that we have a really, really hard time understanding how bad our parents had it, and even more so their parents.
My mother did a terrible job being a parent to me but considering her own upbringing she was a fucking star parent!
What I want to kind of say is something like I believe most parents really want to do what's best for their kids but as the kids we have a hard time seeing this because as we are raised better than them we also expect much better than they could give.
I think it's possible to both (a) have empathy for how hard they had it, AND (b) have compassion for ourselves that we didn't get what we needed to flourish. And that when people talk about (b), it doesn't mean they don't see (a); but more commonly, people are disallowed to even tell themselves or anyone else (b) because only (a) is valid.
You said most parents. I'd like for you to consider that sometimes when someone talks about their upbringing, that perhaps they belong to the extreme minority whose parents were somehow not equipped, or ill, or traumatized in turn, or too young, or were plain selfish people. That these people had had a lifetime of other people "but to be fair--"-ing them when they speak of their childhood pains.
My apologies, you are of course completely correct in both your paragraphs and I fully agree with you.
It's hard for me to figure out how to correct this and I don't think you are obligated to tell me, but if you know and would like to I'm glad to hear you out.
(An explanation, but not an excuse, is that in my mini-culture, dunking unapologetically on parents is the norm, so I'm just lately putting words to some thoughts I've been carrying around for a couple decades. This was possibly not the right time and place to do so.)
I think that what I was trying to get at was more something about our own past, current or future parenting, that maybe we have to dig a little deeper into what makes a good parent than just not doing like our own parents, because in some way many of them also did that... something like that, maybe? And possibly we do ourselves a disservice by assuming our parents didnt think about their parenting, I'm really not sure.
Since my thoughts aren't very clear to myself they are quite hard to communicate to others too.
:) and my apologies for being unnecessarily harsh to you as well. I think what both of us are trying to convey, is fairness, and consideration.
From your mini-subculture, there appears to be a lack of balance in the opposite direction from mine.
How I grew up, kids were oft told folk stories such as 臥冰求鯉 (cn) in which the protagonist lies down naked on ice to melt it, in order to get carp for his abusive step mother and his father who the stepmom alienated him from.
We grew up with these stories, calles the 24 filial examplars
Here is another Examplar
Min Sun's mother died early so his father remarried and had two other sons. Min was ill-treated by his stepmother but he never bore any grudges against her. During winter, his stepmother prepared a coat made of reed catkins for him, but prepared coats made of cotton for his half brothers. One day, Min followed his father out and was instructed to drive the carriage. However, as the coat was too thin, Min was unable to withstand the cold so he shivered and was unable to focus on the task at hand. He accidentally caused the carriage to get stuck in a ditch. Min's father was furious and started beating him until his clothes tore and the reed catkins came out. It was then when Min's father realised that his son was being mistreated. He was so angry that he wanted to expel Min's stepmother from the family. However, Min pleaded with his father to spare his stepmother, saying, "If she stays, only I suffer. But if you send her away, my brothers and I will suffer." Min's stepmother was so touched that she regretted her actions and never mistreated Min again.
Anyway, the culture basically encourages / covers / excuses abuse, and when anyone tries to make a complaint, they are told “天下無不是之父母”(there are no parents at fault under the heavens and across the earth), that maybe they just want what's best, and even if not, the very act of giving them life is already an unrepayable debt that the children should shoulder, that no abuse and neglect can begin to cancel out.
to return to the original point of this comment, it seems that we both want a balance of viewpoints. It's a common rite of passage for kids to think their parents are so unfair and so awful etc, and then as they mature they begin to see where the parents are coming from. I hope some folks from your subculture are able to gain insight and return to loving their flawed but not redeemable parents, but I also hope those who truly have toxic abusive parents run far far away, never look back, and can escape from their broken self image, inner reproachful critics, and a fundamental believe that they are unlovable people.
Thank you!
I'm grateful that you took time to write all of this out, a glimpse into another world, very thoughtful of you.
And I agree with your conclusions too.
I'm a bit too tired to write something more, but didn't want to wait to say thank you <3
I'm fresh off a divorce that came out of the blue. I just moved into my own place a few weeks ago. Trying to adjust to this new normal. Struggling to find meaning and purpose these days outside of just being a great father, but I'm at least comfortable that that's good enough of a purpose to keep me going.
In my journey of introspection, I've discovered that one of the biggest things holding me back is self-doubt in general, and not having enough confidence in my gut specifically. This gets made worse when others question my judgments, which causes me to question myself, and then I end up beating myself up. Trying to figure out how to boost my self-confidence.
That sounds painful. I'm sorry it happened to you.
I'm a few years past mine and a few years under you. It sucks. Sucks sucks. But ultimately for the best, can't get caught in something that the other doesn't want.
I took a year before I started to really feel like myself again, and now a couple years after that I'm starting to feel like a new version of myself. It takes time, and of course therapy. Good luck and happy to chat whenever, London is gonna be awesome!
Ugh!
I don't know....
Today I had some kind of day, I've managed to do everything I decided to do (and it's a lot, Fridays are my household chores day), including one of my favourite things in life: to go swim (very loose definition of swimming) by myself in "my" lake at my favourite spot in the rain.
I just feel sad and/or exhausted, like even on my best days my life just feels pointless, I just don't know.
Maybe I'm über-depressed in ways I just don't understand, maybe I aimed too low for the day, maybe I don't look forward - like at all - to work tomorrow, maybe I feel lonely, maybe I have some kind of feelings around bringing home the last stuff from my dead mothers apartment?
I don't know, I'm just sad.
Work stress.
I get the stress, plus a whole lot of old stressful self-torturing patterns of thought and emotion set off as a bonus.
:< booo on stupid work. My least favourite thing about work stress is how it's not limited to work.
And then I guess yeah lifetime patterns contributing to it will make it even less fun
It would be nicer if the moment you were off the clock all work related thoughts and emotions ceased.
Brace yourself, a dozen posts coming about that series where people's work and home life memories are separated. :-)
Tired, very high anxiety and waiting for my doom (or that's how it feels like).
But it's not all bad. My own personal projects bring me currently a lot of happiness:
I started building my own little website (in like a 2000s era). I also finally started "building" my arch distro with like hyprland and other stuff. (I am very dumb and everything is very complicated)
But then on the other hand my studies started again and i should really start my "end project". And currently i am kinda neglecting my "real work" and just do the stuff i want to do.
Also i am still waiting for a surgery to get accepted from the insurance but I called them today and they are not even sure if they have all the documents and stuff. Just incompetence as it's finest. - But we will have to see how things develop.
Not too bad. In the last few months, I've managed to lose at least 15 pounds. Started a diet, and that's going smoothly so far. I've also discovered kefir, which tastes gooood.
Great wins! There are folks who make their own kefir because they're kinda pricey. :) had a smile about your new diet going smoothly because of the kefir being like a smoothie