Things are crumbling around me and a lot of it is my fault
Mods - I didn't know where to put this or what to title and tag the post with.
This is mostly just venting and confessing.
There's a lot of back-story to this but I'll start at the trigger and work from there.
The short version
My boss is remote-only, so calls and WhatsApp messages are how we communicate. Wednesday he called me and started the conversation off by how tired he was today and why. To cut to the chase, he revealed to me, in detail, that he is a white supremacist, a holocaust denier, and potentially an actual Nazi. These aren't conclusions I am making based on piecing information together -- he outline each aspect at length while I silently listened.
The long version
He started the conversation telling me that he was tired because he was up all night with his wife "healing" his son's friend who was in the hospital suddenly for liver (or kidney, I don't remember) complications. He and his wife are "energy healers" and he gave me examples of how he and his wife, all by themselves, stopped natural disasters with their powers. The example he gave in this instance was the wild fires in 2020 in the PNW of the US. He said he that his wife "had enough" and went outside and raised her hands and said (I don't remember the words, I'm not going to make it up here) and the fires went out instantly. No one needs me to spell out the reality of these claims, so I won't. But if you want factual information about these wildfires, you can read more about them here.
He then started telling me that his adult son (who has ASD or on the spectrum -- apologies, I don't know the right way to refer to this) has a hard time making friends but he and this guy were fast friends. His friend is from Ukraine and escaped the country right as Russia invaded (2022). This part is important because this is what launched the white supremacy garbage. After he said his son's friend escaped before the war, he went into a confusing ramble about how Russia was invading to kill "real white people" and that most of Putin's regime "are Jews" and that it's part of a global movement to "exterminate white people". This then went into how there are different kinds of white people and different kind of Jews. I don't know what "good/neutral" Jews are in his fucked up mind, but he said Zionists are the "bad" Jews. He says the Zionists have "mixed" with every government on earth and thus are in control of x-y-z.
He said that I "looked like a real white person" and asked if I had German heritage (I don't). I tried to change the subject.
That stream of thought led to literally saying Hitler was misunderstood, was misguided by his Jewish ancestry, and the Holocaust wasn't what we are being told. Photos are doctored, gas chambers were just showers, they had restaurants (?) in the camps, any deaths that occurred were from disease, not murders, and "how could 3 million Jews have been killed if there weren't 3 million Jews in existence?" Also that "Jews have a declaration to exterminate non-Jews"
He then went into something about "mixing races" and how that's a terrible sin. "I'm not racist, I just think white people should only marry white people and black people with black people, and so on". The assumption here is less about marriage and more about procreation...
I'm sure there's more shit I'm not remembering right now but those are the ones that I can't forget.
Throughout the one-sided conversation, I tried to change the subject back to work (you know, since I am at work) numerous times and didn't respond to anything he was saying, but after the last part, I just hung up on him.
There is no excuse for me letting him spew this hateful bullshit and I am ashamed of myself. I normally have no problem with conflict and ostracizing myself by calling out hateful bullshit people say but I chose to be silent this time because $$$.
I've been going back and forth between being angry, ashamed, disappointed, and just sad since then. I knew my boss was a conspiracy nut because he's told me some of his wild beliefs before but none of them seemed hateful and I told him I wasn't into that sort of stuff. I don't know why he suddenly decided to unload all of this on me.
I know there is a reality where I don't let this ruin my job, but I don't think I am able to do this.
I need this job because I need the money. I moved across the country to work this job and now that I know who I am making money for, I have to quit. I have to find another job immediately. I can't afford to quit without having another job lined up. I had been looking for a better job for 2 full years before I moved here for this one and had no luck. I've done nothing but work since moving here for this job. I haven't made the time to try and make friends and instead just worked more and more.
I feel like there were signs (details not mentioned here) I ignored out of desperation. I feel defeated.
The only thing I know I must do is find a therapist and find a new job.
First of all, I am so sorry that you’re going through this. I’ve worked with (not for, thankfully) this type of lunatic before and it’s so extraordinarily uncomfortable and painful. It sucks even worse that it might jeopardize your welfare.
Is he the owner or something? I can’t think of a world where HR would allow that kind of talk between a supervisor and their employee, let alone allowing that person to be fired for retaliatory reasons…
Regardless, I don’t think you should be so hard on yourself. You’re not the bigot, and it’s not your responsibility to police all bigots in the world. It’s good to stand up to them when you can, and it sounds like you do. There were complicating factors that stopped you from following that instinct this time, but that doesn’t make you any less of a good person. You still have to eat and pay rent if you want to survive long enough to stand up to the next one.
Sincerely hoping your work doesn’t fuck this one up, because IMO this is open and shut in your favor, and that guy should be paying the price for this abhorrent behavior, not you.
thank you for the kind words and taking the time to respond!
he is the owner, it’s a small niche business where everyone (including me) are contractors, and there is no HR unfortunately.
i just have to grit and bare it until i find something else.
Man, that’s really tough. I’m sorry you’re in such a pickle. If there’s anything a rando on the ‘net can do to help, please let me know!
You don't need one my friend. Your feelings of anger, disappointment, worry about employment, are all 100% valid and appropriate. Shame though, you have nothing to be ashamed for. You didn't do anything wrong. Even if it had been a group call/meeting (and it wasn't!) you still wouldn't be responsible for stopping him saying the things he said.
The fact that you are so disturbed and upset about the things he said, is proof that you have a strong sense of what is right and wrong.
Standard advice to everyone : everyone should see a therapist. Therapists are great. Sometimes finding the right fit/style of therapist is hard, but it's worth it.
in any other circumstance where a person is saying these things to me or even in earshot, i would confront them and sever ties immediately because that’s all i can do aside from violence (not really my thing). but because he pays me, i am silent. that’s the shame. can you understand why i might feel this way?
and yes to your standard advice to everyone! i have been fortunate with finding good therapists in the past and hope this time will be successful as well.
thank you for responding with kindness.
With regard to the shame, I think it's worth acknowledging that we feel what we feel, but my therapist would say, "it's a feeling you should visit, but don't stay there."
I think what people here (including me) are telling you is that you would be justified to not feel ashamed, because
One more thought I had was that there might come a time in the future where it will affect your boss, and you can still take a stand.
I also want to say, I'm sorry this happened to you. It's a shame that we live in a world where people can spout these ideas with so few consequences.
That feeling of helplessness is just awful. Seriously, you don't need to add shame to it.
Are you able to look for other work? Even the act of doing that might help.
I absolutely do, I'm sorry I wasn't more clear. That feeling is also valid, but I like what @first-must-burn said about visiting but not staying. It is also OK to let that shame go, you don't need to punish yourself by sitting in it.
I hope this works out for you in the long run, please keep us updated with how you're doing.
To cosign the "not living in shame just visiting" one of the things they teach in bystander intervention training is making sure you're safe before getting involved and staying safe when being involved. You were functionally the target, not even a bystander, and there's not an obligation to put yourself at risk, even of losing your job and all the things that come along with that. This wasn't a situation where you could have protected someone else by your actions.
If you feel the need to visit shame, use it to decide what you'll be able to do in a future, similar situation. Take the energy, transmute it into the job search and give yourself grace. ♡
I'll just be blunt, I see no issue telling boss what he wants to hear for long enough to get a move made. He unloaded because he is evidently comfortable with you, that is a mistake on his part and you can exploit it to help get yourself out of there. Let him talk, observe and note the details, use that to keep a dialogue that avoids suspicion and doesn't interfere with your goals. It's up to you where the lines are on what you will do, but personally I would have zero problem just saying whatever achieves my objective in a situation like that.
IMO, the shame you've described is understandable but in my view is an unfairness to yourself. You cannot control the circumstance and lack means to change it. Calling the guy out on his nonsense, realistically would not accomplish much of anything and likely just put you in peril. Best you can do is take care of yourself, and it sounds like you've got a clear idea of what you need to do on a more strategic level. So now it's tactics and ops until the strategy is fulfilled. Rather than see it as a battle you have already lost, I would reframe it as having discovered you are in unfriendly territory and must avoid battle altogether to get your ass out of there. You're not on the front. You're behind their lines, with no firepower, no support, and no one actually gave you any orders, if we're gonna keep up the martial metaphor.
Maybe I'm a different breed but I would see this as a challenge.
With that being said, that's not judgemental of your reaction which is also valid.
So I've developed a bit of a pass time going into conservative circles using cult deprogramming techniques to plant seeds of doubt and to challenge these propaganda narratives.
I've also taken a page out of a man named Daryl Davis's book, who has helped over 200 people leave the KKK. I see that as success and I've also looked into why people who've left the KKK joined in the first place and what they're receptive to.
I'm white and male, but I am vehemently left wing, but I'm also not blind so I have a lot of nuanced opinions that aren't just regurgitated talking points. That privilege allows me to give these people a false sense of security and also allows me to speak to similar experiences we have and tie left wing ideals to those in a way that makes sense for people who don't relate to and don't have the tools to understand the left.
My favorite interaction that I've had recently is with my neighbor who is staunchly MAGA. When Mamdani won, he flagged me down and went on a huge diatribe about how Mamdani will ruin NYC. Tons of vitriol. I told him he's not even mayor yet and to just wait and see before he complains about things that haven't happened yet.
A month later when Trump ended up gooning over Mamdani, I talked to him about it to see if he had switched his tune. He hadn't but tried to downplay Trump saying that he thinks Trump is mistaken.
I took the opportunity to ask him if Trump is wrong about this, what else could he be wrong about, and if he was wrong about Trump, what else could he be wrong about too? I think this guy had the first glimpse of self awareness in his life. Stood there in silence before saying "huh, I'll have to think about that."
Baby steps.
Please tell me this is just some elaborate shit-test to see who would leave over genuinely nazi values. And whoever passes by actually leaving gets to keep their job.
That's the best-case scenario here. The worst-case one is "sorry mate, you need to find another job pronto." That guy is otherwise heiling all the Hitlers.