28
votes
Great men do wear their babies – the days of criticising a father for carrying his child are over
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- Authors
- Rhiannon Lucy Cosslett
- Published
- Sep 19 2024
- Word count
- 957 words
Who (that has an opinion that matters) was giving grief to men carrying their babies? The only thing I can see in the article is a reference to Piers Morgan who's entire schtick is just trying to get people mad at him for having annoying opinions. I've never really heard of the stigma against it, though I do know that there are some stigmas against single fathers, same as single mothers.
One thing I've noticed (the kind of thing you can't unsee) is that any time in tv there's a man and a woman (whether a couple or not) and a baby, it's ALWAYS the woman (or girl) carrying the baby, 100% of the time. You never see a man carrying a baby with a woman who isn't carrying a baby
First noticed it during Netflix's Series of Unfortunate Events and ever since then I keep noticing it
That's a good point! I guess that's a more underlying cultural bias, and not really an overt stigma against it, but it still is damaging for sure.
I've always personally seen very positive reactions to dads with their babies, so it seems to be one of those situations where my lived experience is not lining up with the wider cultural situation
Older men and women were openly hostile towards me in public because I was carrying my daughters. Not often, but it happened. I'm from Berlin, which is a rather progressive city, so I assume it might be a more regular thing in other places.
I'm in Denmark, and I have carried my daughter maybe even more than her mother has. I have never, ever experienced this, in any country (Denmark, Germany, and Hungary so far).
Can I ask in what way were they hostile?
Sure! Two old men in front of a pub said, "Today's men are women in disguise, you should be ashamed." Another older lady in the park told me, "the baby needs her mother, not you." There were other situations like this. But I don't want to give the impression that this happens a lot. I mostly get smiles and friendly faces. I just wanted to add to the conversation that hostility does happen and is not imaginary.
It's my experience that old people in Berlin are particularly... let's say "ready to share their opinions". Berlin may be progressive but it's largely in spite of that population imo.
Going to counter with my own anecdote: I carried both my children on my chest and never had any guff from anyone. In fact, more often than not I'd have older people come up to me out of the blue in the grocery store and tell me I'm a great Dad. Also had many smiles and clear appreciation from strangers in general.
All felt undeserved, since I'm just doing what a parent would do, but I'm getting accolades and adoration for it because I have a penis.
I don't really understand why this article exists. It spends a lot of time saying how out of date it is, which is accurate.
But it also says:
This is absolutely untrue in my experience. When my little person was an even more little person I took them to baby groups and so on and while occasionally I was the only man there - baby massage class was exclusively women apart from me - it was never remotely an issue. Everyone coo'd over each others babies, we swapped them around for cuddles, we traded stories of night-time poosplosions and politely but obviously lied to each other about how tired we looked.
The idea that I had nothing to contribute simply never came up. We were explicitly told, repeatedly, in ante-natal classes that men have an important part to play. Almost every pregnant person in those classes had a partner with them, doing the ridiculous nappy-changing-practice on the dolls, practising tying slings and so on. When we got to the hospital it was the same. Dads everywhere (obviously, the new mums were in the beds!). The midwife didn't even ask, she just handed me a minutes-old baby and told me to take my shirt off and hold it and it was one of the best experiences of my life. It wasn't even a question I had a role. Me and a couple of other brand new dads had a cry together in the lift after going to get snacks. I am generally very confused about the things people apparently arbitrarily call 'masculine' and 'feminine' but those times were the mostly "manly" I've ever felt.
When kid started at nursery, there was roughly an equal mixture of mums and dads dropping off and picking up kids. It's the same now at school (if anything, more dads now). I have never once been given the impression that anyone thinks I shouldn't be involved in my kid's life in whatever way I want. Very much the opposite, in fact.
Doing a sort of search through Google suggest that Piers has a history of this but when he says these things, people do agree with him. Criticism of men doing "womanly things" isn't new and it's still too common to hear men watching their children called "babysitting" or being "Mr Mom" or things like that.
A lot of websites from companies that make slings or carriers, or general baby wearing advocacy sites, seem to feel the need to address the stigma. Much like how tactical diaper bags apparently need to exist to market them to men, buying and using baby care products seems to have a stigma for men.
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I'm gonna stop here.
I know its just ancedata, but I've also still gotten a fair bit of 'oh your babysitting today eh?' Though admittedly more from the 60+ crowd.
So in a sense, yes the generations that had that most stigmitized is starting to die off, literally.
I'm excited to see what the world has in store once we're no longer beholden to the political deathgrip of the boomers.
I remember years ago when my oldest was just a little guy. I had him in one of those front carriers strapped to my chest while wandering around watering plants outside. A mosquito started trying to land on us and I started taking little shots at it with the water as it bobbed and weaved around our heads. Long story short I spray me and the baby while fending off the mosquito.
So definitely a fan of the baby slings, but maybe not while using a hose to fend off mosquitos. I can only imagine what anyone who is already judgy of men wearing babies would have thought at the site of me fighting invisible ghosts with the sprayer and getting both me and the baby.
Dance like no one's watching?
When my son was born, my wife told me she'd been carrying him for the last nine months and it was my turn to put in some work. I don't think she ever used a sling, carrier, or anything in the first year since I did all that! She did get quite some time with him though, since he was born right before covid lock downs began, and she worked from home and cared for him simultaneously. I was an "essential worker" (early childcare) and so was working outside the home that entire time.
I loved my front carrier for my little one. Very comfy and safe, felt nice and close.
I did get a lot of side eye and outright hostility from the school gate though, when picking my son up in later years. When younger, some so-called parent and baby groups I was excluded entirely from, and the ones I could go to, I was just ignored, if I was lucky.
One or two of the female parents sometimes offered a half hearted apology sometimes, but it was clear they didn't want me there, intruding on their female space, so I just didn't bother any more, and entertained the wee one at home, and in more communal spaces like soft plays and the like when he got older.
I never really used these just because my daughter absolutely hated them 90% of the time. We took a stroller pretty much everywhere.