Stuck In A Ditch In The Middle Of A Desert In A Country I Don't Know The Name Of
I'm sitting here, not being able to sleep and watching every single John Mayer music video ever made, finding myself a little stuck.
I've got good friends, I've got a free environment to do whatever I want to do, and I've got enough stuff around me to keep me alive. Somehow, this isn't what I hoped for.
Ever since I was a kid, I always dreamed of this moment. I'm on my own. I've got my axe, and I'm ready for battle, but, I can't swing this thing, man. I don't have enough motivation, something I've been struggling with since I was born. I'm a chronic procrastinator, even when it's about something I actually want to. I want to sit down, write music, and make people smile. I want to do all these things, but I can't find enough willpower to do it. Maybe it's just my current emotional state holding me back. I miss the connection I used to have with someone that put me at my absolute peak in life.
It's so unbelievably unfair to me that someone that seemed to help me so much and bring me up can just walk out on me like that with no explanation. She made me a better person when she was around, and a worse person when she's not. I don't understand why I still think about it every single day. I guess this is more of a rant / self help post, but I do pose one question:
How do I get rid of the constant thought of someone? She's connected to everything I do in life and I really gotta fucking stop. Is there something I'm missing when it comes to getting over someone? Do I chase her? I've tried before, but it ended worse the second time around.
Anyone have similar experiences? I'm sure there are some sad wrecks out there tonight. Come and share your story about the best person you've ever met that you'll never meet again.
Time heals all wounds, but scarring can be a real bitch.
I've had two partners in my life that have made me feel this way, or perhaps I've made myself feel. The first one I chased, got back for a time, but you can't forget the past and it didn't work out in the end. I gave myself so much grief over them at that time, but that doesn't really do anything. But I think there is a value in being sad. It helps you remember what was good about the whole thing. It took a lot of work for both of us, but today we count each-other among our best of friends. Early on they would be in other relationships, and I would have such ugly thoughts and feelings about the whole thing, even as I was having other relationships of my own. I don't think I did much in particular but as time went on the wounds healed, and I would become happy for them. Deep in my bones, happy. They're a wonderful person, and they deserve a beautiful life even if it's with somebody who isn't myself. Their partner makes them happy, and that makes me happy. They're looking at rings together now, and I look forward to the day I can speak at their wedding.
The second one has mostly faded from my life, although we talk occasionally. If I look back and think, they'd be the one who got away. The one I'd marry, in a more kind universe. And I'm not even sure how I feel about marriage. They brought out a lot of the good within myself, and helped me to grow into the person I am today. As much as I try not to think about how things ended, I am forever thankful that they were a part of my life, for a time. I hope they one day find their one as well.
There it is. "In a more kind universe." That's the shit that's been haunting me as of late. I constantly think back that she was "the one who got away" and think about how different it would be if she hadn't. It's a crazy timeline we live in, that heartbreak has this power over everyday menial tasks, turning them into constant chores. If time heals all wounds, I don't think I'll be around for this one to begin to close up. I wish I could forget the past, and sometimes it feels like the only solution.
I've been there, and I think I know exactly how you feel. Even though it doesn't feel like it, it does get better, and you'll be a stronger and more-wise person through it.