24 votes

For those in marriages or long-term relationships, what do you do with mementos of previous relationships?

I recently went through some old boxes and found my collection of mementos - birthday cards, love letters, ticket stubs, etc. - from years gone by. I'm not convinced marriage will ever be for me, but I've always imagined if I were to get to that point, I'd want to show such a collection to my SO as a way for them to fully understand my story, so to speak. On the one hand, I think of it as a pretty powerful expression of trust in your partner... but I realize the potential for that to massively backfire by introducing jealousy and insecurities. At the same time, I'm very strongly of the belief that what is shared within a relationship is not to be shared with others outside it without mutual consent. I hate gossip, and have had my share of conflict throughout the years over desiring more privacy and discretion in my various SO's conversations with their friends and family about us. That means I would probably choose to leave aside certain things out of respect for my exes, but then I'm not sure if that devalues the gesture.

Any thoughts?

12 comments

  1. monarda
    Link
    I've been with my husband for 20+ years. I still have a box of love letters, photos and mementos from relationships past. Every few years I'll find it and spend time remembering things I have...

    I've been with my husband for 20+ years. I still have a box of love letters, photos and mementos from relationships past. Every few years I'll find it and spend time remembering things I have forgotten: kisses, events, trips, drug crazed festivals. And then it gets put away until next time. My husband has seen the contents and has laughed at some of it's contents and ogled at some of the photos, but as far as I know he takes it for what it is, things that happened to me before he met me. He has a much smaller box that has mementos from his first love. I like going through it and talking to him about it. It's been interesting to see the evolution of how he talked about it at the beginning compared to how he talks about it now. And it was also interesting to meet her and compare how I see her compared to how he felt about her. It gave me an opportunity to examine my own feelings of jealousy and to delve into insecurities and find ways to trust. I took my husbands actions towards my own box of things and emulated that with his box, and it was freeing.

    14 votes
  2. [5]
    mrbig
    (edited )
    Link
    Regardless if I’m in a relationship or not, I don’t keep mementos of any kind. Some things end up forgotten in a box but that’s it. I might keep love letters or diary entries for their literary...

    Regardless if I’m in a relationship or not, I don’t keep mementos of any kind. Some things end up forgotten in a box but that’s it. I might keep love letters or diary entries for their literary and historical value if I had those. The past ceased to be and and I like it that way. This is kinda part of a detachment Buddhist practice of only keeping objects that serve a purpose in my current life. I do take a moment to say goodbye, pay respect to those memories. This can take years, but eventually everything goes.

    That said, only you can determine what should be discarded and when. That’s very personal and partners should respect that.

    10 votes
    1. [4]
      BlindCarpenter
      Link Parent
      Interesting. I’m not brave enough for this lifestyle. I hang on to lots of little things. Especially if they remind me of important people in my life.

      Interesting. I’m not brave enough for this lifestyle. I hang on to lots of little things. Especially if they remind me of important people in my life.

      9 votes
      1. [3]
        mrbig
        Link Parent
        Yes. Like I said, it can take years for me to discard some things. It’s not like I’m some emotionless robot. There’s a grieving process. But eventually everything goes.

        Yes. Like I said, it can take years for me to discard some things. It’s not like I’m some emotionless robot. There’s a grieving process. But eventually everything goes.

        6 votes
        1. [2]
          WendigoTulpa
          Link Parent
          Yeah I feel you on the "it takes years" thing. I've been packing for a move, and I finally recycled some random wrapping papers that I kept from past Christmases. They carried immense sentimental...

          Yeah I feel you on the "it takes years" thing.

          I've been packing for a move, and I finally recycled some random wrapping papers that I kept from past Christmases. They carried immense sentimental value at the time, but looking at them now they lost some of the context and I couldn't even remember what year they were from.

          I'm a huge packrat, and my move now has left me disgusted at the amount of textiles and random stuff I've kept over the years.

          9 votes
          1. jlj
            Link Parent
            Yeah, I think much of this is dictated by one's lifestyle and circumstances: I've moved so many times -- and, importantly, across an ocean once, and from a house to a flat on another occasion --...

            Yeah, I think much of this is dictated by one's lifestyle and circumstances: I've moved so many times -- and, importantly, across an ocean once, and from a house to a flat on another occasion -- that letting go has become a bit of a forced default. I have a few regrets, about the things I've left behind (and the things that I've done -- that's a whole other conversation), but, mostly, I just grateful for current happiness, love and purpose in my life.

            2 votes
  3. Chexmax
    Link
    I have a memories box, but very little of it is dedicated to exes. I live with my SO, and while I respect his sentimentality, I don't want to accidentally find something that turns my day sour....

    I have a memories box, but very little of it is dedicated to exes. I live with my SO, and while I respect his sentimentality, I don't want to accidentally find something that turns my day sour. Just because I trust him fully and love him completely doesn't mean I want to or need to know every detail of his past loves. I told him to pick a spot in our house where I'll never go (he picked the top of his closet). It's not that he wanted a place to hide things, or that I'll never look in his memory box, but that's not something I'm going to do accidentally or without him while looking for an HDMI cable.

    8 votes
  4. kemosabe
    Link
    Oh wow, nobody said it yet. I present to you, the Museum of Broken Relationships! It is a museum full of exactly these kinds of things donated from people who can't bring themselves to throw them...

    Oh wow, nobody said it yet. I present to you, the Museum of Broken Relationships!

    It is a museum full of exactly these kinds of things donated from people who can't bring themselves to throw them away, but also don't want to keep them. There is a start and end date of the relationship, and a brief story. The exhibits are super interesting and really varied. Some are sad, some are nice, and some are even funny. I went with my partner which actually isn't a bad thing. It's an honest and humbling look at how we as humans deal with each other. I really recommend it.

    8 votes
  5. [2]
    drannex
    Link
    Put them in a box and hide from prying eyes until I feel comfortable that enough time had passed to share them with others. I think it's a good thing to remember the past. All memories fade, but...

    Put them in a box and hide from prying eyes until I feel comfortable that enough time had passed to share them with others.

    I think it's a good thing to remember the past. All memories fade, but objects will persist keeping history attached. You never know who will have the items in a few generations and they will relish that they can experience something from either their lineage or just from the past itself that someone else had held onto.

    7 votes
    1. culturedleftfoot
      Link Parent
      That's actually another part of the reason I will keep certain things - for my possible descendants to have reference points for my story as well. I know very little about my ancestors' lives, and...

      That's actually another part of the reason I will keep certain things - for my possible descendants to have reference points for my story as well. I know very little about my ancestors' lives, and I can see in hindsight how that may have shaped my mindset as a youth. I barely even take photos to begin with.

      3 votes
  6. envy
    Link
    It really depends, but you never can tell when the green eyed monster will appear. Sometimes things that seem copasetic at the time cause problems years down the line.

    It really depends, but you never can tell when the green eyed monster will appear.

    Sometimes things that seem copasetic at the time cause problems years down the line.

    2 votes
  7. crdpa
    Link
    I am not attached to things and get rid of everything that i don't use or need. Gifts, pictures, letters, anything. I keep if it's good and i like it, but i don't attach feelings to things. One...

    I am not attached to things and get rid of everything that i don't use or need. Gifts, pictures, letters, anything.

    I keep if it's good and i like it, but i don't attach feelings to things.

    One interesting thing happened recently. I had a book that was given to me by an ex and i donated to the library at the school i work. The lady asked me if i really want to donate because it had a letter in the backpage dedicated to me. I didn't remember it, but donated anyway.

    Now everybody will read it.

    1 vote