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Are there any aspects of your mental life that you know/suspect to be idiosyncratic?
As it is only possible to know what it is like to be yourself, it could be that you perceive the world in a completely different way than is typical and have no idea that that is the case. Hence the existence of invisible disabilities such as face blindness or double vision, conditions such as synesthesia and aphantasia, etc. I am curious if anyone here experiences any such mental/perceptual phenomenon that could possibly be unique to you/atypical. Or if you experience one of the above it would be very interesting to hear about as well!
Some examples of what I'm going for:
- a YouTuber/blogger I follow claims their internal monologue takes the form of a humming or buzzing following the cadence and intonation, but not the sounds, of speech.
- my personal inner monologue is usually more of a "dialogue", as in a discussion between me and 1+ imaginary participants (usually someone I know IRL or a character from a book). Although I don't perceive "them" as a separate entity I can't really predict what "they" will say. (feel free to comment if you experience this as well! I only suspect this is weird because mental vocalization is typically referred to as monologue but maybe this is totally normal?)
- I'm pretty sure I experience emotions at a much shallower level than most. When I was very young I actually considered the possibility that I was a robot constructed by my parents, based on some Twilight Zone episode. I would say 95% of the time I don't really feel any emotion and when I do, it feels much less intense than it seems to be for most people judging by their behavior.
- When I'm reading particularly dense text or have spent some time memorizing things, there is sometimes a certain sensation in my head, which, while I wouldn't really call it tiredness or exhaustion, does compel me to stop studying or whatever I'm doing. It's almost analogous to muscle soreness?
I have Aphantasia, so I can answer to that. I always assumed the term "mind's eye" was metaphorical. As I have no experience of anything else, I can only assume day dreams are cool things. I can dream in my sleep, but it is "low resolution", not blurry, just without any detail. I also cannot relive memories, though I can still remember past events in the abstract. Personnally I have considered it a net benefit, mainly because it has rooted my view of the world either in the object itself or my abstract representation of it.
A good friend of mine recently learned that he is aphantasiaic (that's a word, right?) and he's in his early 40s. It completely blew his mind, and it also brought a number of our conversations into perspective. He does some hobby crafting with wood and resin in his garage, and was always very skeptical when I would describe why we should try something I thought would look good later when it was finished. Or a different way of arranging parts and pieces to make a jig for something.
His skepticism makes a lot more sense now that I understand that while I'm picturing it in my head, he literally can't do that and so doesn't fully understand what I'm trying to describe. It's a lot more helpful to draw something out, which I hadn't bothered to do before.
This is a little bit off from what you're asking, and it's not exactly uncommon, but at the time that it happened I had no idea or forewarning about it, and there wasn't nearly as much information online about it as there is now, so it very much felt like a mental experience that I alone was having.
After I stopped taking SSRI antidepressants, I experienced random "brain zaps". They weren't painful so much as startling and extremely unsettling, and the effect is very hard to put into words, but it was like experiencing a short electric shock inside my head. In my memory a snapping sound is actually audible, though I don't know if that is something I actually experienced or if I've added that detail into my recall due to associations. They happened randomly, with no identifiable stimulus. I could be mid-conversation with someone and it would trigger and it would pull me right out of the moment and leave me mentally spinning for a little bit. Even alone they were deeply uncomfortable.
The phenomenon is actually relatively well-known now, but it was a huge source of anxiety for me at the time, as I was worried I had done or was doing irreparable damage to my brain. I also had no idea if they were ever going to stop or if it was going to be something I just had to live with for the rest of my life. It's now been long enough that I can't remember the duration I had them, but I'd say it was probably over the course of several months.
I mention it here just in case it puts the phenomenon on the radar for anyone else. I wish someone would have told me about it -- would have saved me a lot of grief.
I've also experienced this. I was on a mild SSRI for about a year, then decided to stop taking it after I had changed jobs and was in a much less stressful environment. Foolishly I A) decided this all by myself and B) stopped cold-turkey.
Turns out that the "zaps" or "snaps" is one of the reasons you're not supposed to just suddenly stop SSRIs.
It is a very jarring sensation. Several times I was in the middle of a conversation with a group of people and I would just stop in the middle of a sentence. My mind would go totally blank for a second and I had to spend about a minute putting my train of thought back together. Thankfully it faded and stopped after about 2 weeks.
I was on a doctor supervised regiment of gradually lowering the dosage of a benzodiazepine (clonazepam) that I had been prescribed for my anxiety/panic disorder, and they still happened to me after I was finally entirely weaned off it. It was an awful experience even under those controlled circumstances, so I can't even imagine what it would have been like for you quitting cold turkey. So yeah, I definitely wouldn't recommend that either!
Fortunately I was on a low dose to begin with, so it probably could have been a lot worse. It also definitely had a curve to it. At the beginning it was as jarring as having icewater thrown over my head, and would happen every 5-10 minutes. Over a week or so it faded in intensity and got further apart, until it was gone.
Sucks you had to go through that! Prescriptions can help a lot with mental health, but there's still so much that's not understood and also not very well known.
Every 5-10 min? For a week? Good lord! I would only have them a few times a day at their worst, and even that was enough for me to never want to touch a benzo again no matter how much my psychiatrist tried to convince me otherwise.
I had a similar experience after I stopped taking benzos for my anxiety and panic disorder 10ish years ago. It freaked me out too, but when I brought it up with my doctor I was told that they are relatively common, and can even just be triggered by chronic stress alone. That relieved my anxiety about them too, and they eventually went away on their own... but like you I also can't remember how long it took for that to happen. It couldn't have been more than a month or two though, otherwise I would have definitely brought it up again with my doctor, because they were not fun to experience (especially when being violently woken up by them).
For me they almost felt like when you bang your elbow just right and hit a nerve, and that electric shock feeling goes up your arm and into your head... but with the brain zaps, instead of the shock originating from my elbow it was coming from inside my own head, and triggering for no discernible reason.
That sounds a lot like head explosions, but they typically have a hallucinatory element, which for me was a voice ranging from an aggressive whisper to a full shout of either my first name, "HEY!" or a random short scream that would shake me awake. It's different than a hypnic jerk, though, and to me was quite frightening until I learned what it was.
I also experience these "zaps", but I am still on a low dose of mirtazapin (which I think is not an SSRI) and if I remember correctly it happened a few times before I first started taking it.
For me it is not painful, it just feels like the sound of snapping a branch in half. My emotional state also gets "reset". If for example I'm laughing about sth., when the snap happens, I just get indifferent and don't comprehend why I was feeling that emotion a second ago and can't stop analysing my current situation (Where I am, what is/was currently happening around me, in which position my limbs are and why).
Since it doesn't happen that often, I just accepted it as a byproduct of depression and did not pay much attention to it.
If it's persisted for longer than a few weeks, that's definitely something to talk to your doctor about. That's definitely not a symptom of depression itself AFAIK.
I have experienced something that sounds related. I was on a very low dose of a tricyclic for some GI issues. Whenever I would stop it (usually because my online pharmacy couldn't get deliveries to me in a timely manner), it would feel like there was line noise on my nerves. I could hear a little bit of static when things were quiet. (I mean, I think most people can hear that when it's dead silent, but this was more pronounced.) And my touch-sensing nerves all felt like there was just a little bit of signal coming in. It would last a day or two and then either I'd get used to it and stop noticing it, or it would go away.
I almost always behave as if someone is watching. This definitely goes hand-in-hand with anxiety, and probably has roots in religious upbringing (Jesus is always watching!).
Most of the time it's not really bothersome, and it takes the form of constantly imagining what I must look like to an outside observer. Think of it like someone on stage trying to critique their own body language in a scene. It happens even when I'm alone, but is always "on" when I'm around people. The self-awareness is especially acute when I think there might be cameras (CCD or otherwise) around, because I think of how someone could replay my actions and examine every minute detail.
At times it definitely elevates to a point where it is a hindrance, but I've gotten better over the years of downplaying it.
I do something similar, but more with the feeling that someone will overhear what I am saying. I hate going to quiet restaurants because I always feel like everyone nearby is eavesdropping on my conversations, even if they're completely innocuous.
I often find myself overly focused not on if people will hear me, but that if they hear me they will think I am worth listening to. I will often rehearse in my head what I'm going to say in any situation I anticipate being in, trying to make sure I have something intelligent (or funny) to say.
This has taken on some very detrimental aspects with my wife. Since I have a habit of paying out both parts of a conversation in my head, her responses aren't always accurate especially when I'm upset, so she's often waaaaay more angry at me in my own head than she actually is IRL. Therapy has been immensely helpful with this.
When you think about other people overhearing you, do you worry about what they'll think of you, or is it more of a "I don't want them listening to my private conversation" thing?
It's definitely more the latter for me. I'm sure there's an element of worrying about what people think, but there much more of an overtuned desire for privacy. I just tend to assume that anybody anywhere near me is not just able to hear, but actively listening to whatever conversation I'm having. It doesn't have to be all that personal or private of a conversation, really, it just bothers me to think they might be listening.
I can imagine any sound or song in any other known instrument or voice. Might be a common thing, who knows.
It's nice because the inner radio plays almost constantly (I listen to a whole lot of music, never silent in my head) and I can sometimes just vary instruments, or just let someone else do the singing with a bit of effort. Fully useless as I can't really just plug a recorder in my head and record it, but it does make songs stuck in my head quite fun.
Same for geometry; I do a lot of 3D modelling, and the ability to imagine shapes, unfold them like they're paper boxes, apply transformations and cuts just inside the head is so incredibly useful when trying to figure out how to model things. Primitive shapes like boxes, spheres, cones and lines go easily, things like polyhedrons don't because I don't have those memorized.
Also, I'm primarily visually oriented in terms of thinking, but I need some time to reorganize concept into a format I can understand. As such, verbal instructions never work, but if you give me a written document I'll read it once and never forget it again.
I strongly relate to this. At first I thought maybe I might have depression but I think it's just who I am. I don't really feel any emotions almost at all, and it makes interacting socially a lot more difficult. If someone insults me or something i'll just get mildly sad instead of getting angry. If something good happens or I achieve something i'll feel mildly satisfied but not really happy. If I do something wrong i'll feel bad intellectually but I won't get emotionally guilty. When people get hyped I just...don't feel excited with them or in general. Like I tried going to a school dance and bouncing around in the mosh pit but it just felt like jumping to me. Or like with dancing I feel really self conscious and stiff. And I have to fake having in a lot of social situations.
About the only time I really feel emotions is when I listen to music (don't do it very often) and then I usually just get an intense wave of sadness and cry. Or when I see displays of genuine kindness/love idk why that gets me tears.
I don't think it was always like this but I don't remember all that well. I remember feeling strongly guilty over throwing my lunch away in elementary school and being really excited/happy sometimes with friends but not in the past few years.
I'm only 16 and sort of a shut in so I haven't really experimented too much with ... substances but it bleeds into there too. Both times I've tried smoking weed all I felt was more talkative/giggly, which was sorta nice I guess but I didn't feel euphoric / good at all. And with alcohol it just makes me sleepy and my head warm and that's about it.
Mote examples: when I'm arguing with my sister I'll raise my voice and shout but inside I don't really feel angry. Just like I want the argument to end.
Sorta tangentially but when I'm talking ai generally don't really have anything going on in my head it just kinda flows out which I think is really weird. It's almost like someone else is talking a bit.
Sorry this is super rambly if you read this far you have a lot more patience than me haha.
I don't know that this qualifies but I often get woken up by repeating phrases stuck on a loop in my head. Most recently it was "plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose" which is very strange because I don't speak French, I think I read the line in one of Rick Atkinson's books and looked up the translation. My brain regurgitated it on repeat at 2am years later.
Sometimes, instead of phrases it can be snatches of music that don't resolve. That one really drives me crazy.
My thoughts are highly organized as logical arguments, as if I was always preparing them for arguing. They are also linear and Cartesian to a fault. I’m usually able to view them as a sequence of connected premises, and, during conversation, I can access them at the precise point required to make people understand me. This means that I’m sometimes oddly formal and unable of being concise and letting the conversation flow organically, because I must complete the entire argument before proceeding. Not doing so makes me feel odd, incomplete, and slightly deranged.
I’m also emotionally detached most of the time, which creates many problems.
For dates and personal events my memory is totally bonkers. I do not associate time period to most of my memories. They’re like pieces of paper mixed in a large bowl. During the day I’m frequently assaulted by random memories from the past, comprising my childhood up until recent events. Some are recurrent, like mental tics. Others are odd one offs.
Oh man, this happens to me, too. And it's always something that makes me cringe. Either a time when I embarrassed myself, or a time when someone made me feel bad. It's very rarely something nice.