Thought I may as well get this party started. What is going on in everyone's life right now?

I'll start.

Today is my birthday, and I am now 38. Officially in my late 30s, and getting ever closer to that big 4-0.

I have never been one to worry so much about my age, but it is hitting me today. Things hurt that didn't used to hurt. I have a few crinkles around my eyes. I also have started getting those little red dots on my back and shoulders (no idea what that is about). My hair is around 40% grey. I have not taken care of myself as I should have. Even though I have never wanted kids it's weird to think that the window is rapidly closing on that. I have more money but also more problems, more home repairs and honestly more life repairs from my 20s. I guess I am just being a bit more reflective than usual.

So where are you in life? And how are you feeling about it?

There was a post here the other day asking women about their preferences in a partner's emotional attachment style (not the exact wording, but about as close as I can remember). The responses were overwhelmingly critical of the framing of the question and how it mischaracterized the qualities of a healthy relationship. Upon looking at life.women a day or two later, it seems to have been removed.

While I agree that the post showed problematic thinking and was kind of a nuisance post rather than one which fostered healthy discussion, I'm not sure I agree with removing it entirely. The original poster did not seem to have any malicious intent, but instead displayed a flawed internal view of healthy relationships. Though the feedback was likely not what they were hoping for, I think it could be instructional not only for that original poster but also for any other site visitors who may have a similar way of thinking. If someone were to read the post and not recognize anything wrong with it, only to then read the criticism in the comments, it's possible they may discover that their own thinking is flawed in a similar way to OP and seek to change the way they view the topic. If we hide every problematic question, people with similar thinking won't ever see that 1) other people have similar problematic views and 2) those views are problematic for reasons X, Y, and Z.

More simply, if people come here and ask questions that we find distasteful, instead of deleting them should we leave them up with the relevant feedback so that other people learn from that interaction and develop a better idea of where the poster went wrong? It feels like there are a lot of folks out there that might be simply ignorant about social and relationship norms and could learn by example. If these people never see a post where someone is getting called out for their misguided thinking, how do we expect them to learn what's acceptable and what isn't?

I'm curious to hear your opinions. Should we tolerate entertaining some troublesome questions in order to better educate others, or is it not our job to teach them proper social skills/those posts don't belong here at all?

(To be clear, I do not support leaving up anything overtly abusive or malicious/hateful, those should obviously be removed ASAP).

I'm thinking first order of business is cleaning and then I'd like to paint, and then cleaning up the unkept yard. But I still haven't even moved yet and I know reality will be different.

Does anyone who's been in this situation before have some general advice?

OK, so I have a very nerdy, mildly ADHD 9 year old boy who has been fascinated with WW2 for ages. All this started with him getting obsessed with the Titanic when he was about 4, which then led us to look at some old Nat Geo magazines about Robert Ballard's oceanographic expeditions which then led him to get fascinated with the German battleship Bismarck and Operation Rheinubung. The drama of big gun battleships got him in the feels and in the five years since then he has been deeply into naval stuff, particularly WW2 naval combat ever since. Musically this got him into Sabaton and their WW1/2 related metal songs. He actually sat down and watched the 1960s black and white Sink the Bismarck on YouTube, along with stuff like Midway (the version from a few years back). He thinks aircraft carriers are cool and ate up both Top Gun movies and is now getting into submarines (loved The Hunt for Red October) but wistfully repeatedly tries to reason me into agreeing that navies should have stuck with big gun battleships.

However, this has manifested as a deep fascination with Germany in general- he knows the basics about fascism, the Holocaust and Wehrmacht atrocities (but still can't quite get why it happened) but to a small boy I understand the OMG WUNDERWAFFEN attraction. Coincidentally his best friend is an ethnically German girl which further gets him a bit confused because he can't quite grok the difference between "my friend is German, I think German engineering is cool" and "but we still condemn fascism".
To be clear- he understands why racism and prejudice are wrong. As an ethnic minority in our country I suspect he'll come into contact with racial prejudice sooner rather than later so hopefully life experience will lead him away from the alt-right bits of history nerdery.

We're in Singapore, which means there's very little consciousness of the Holocaust in public education- our history syllabus (fairly enough) deals with the Pacific War and its effects on postwar decolonisation when it touches on WW2 whereas the European theatre is just vague background.

I don't know where I'm going with this, really- I like that my son is a history buff, and I don't want to cut him off from intellectual interests he's passionate about but on the other hand I'm wondering how I can let him enjoy this while contextualising it from a progressive perspective.

My spouse and I were recently pre approved for a home loan; this evening, we will be going to look at a house for the first time. This will be our first house, and unless truly extenuating circumstances arise, we will not be looking to move or sell anytime soon.

There are plenty of existing threads and articles covering things to look for in terms of the state of the house itself, such as foundation cracks, new paint covering mold, water damage, etc; what I am looking for is more a question of things to consider potentially liking or disliking about a home, regardless of its state of repair, that we might not think of until it's too late.

For example, some things I've come across that are important and can't be changed about a house, but I wouldn't have thought to consider if I hadn't seen someone else mention them, include:

• whether we get good cell service when not using wi-fi
• whether the hallway is wide enough to move large furniture through
• what direction the house faces, and subsequently when/where light comes in

What other things might be easy to overlook about a property, but should be taken into account?

Hi,

I have a planted tank of 160L/about 40 US gallons. I had a few problems and want to get a center piece fish, but I also want to ask what might've gone wrong with my betta's. So this is a long post, sorry. I'll put a tl;dr in the end.

Currently there are 6 celebes rainbowfish, 2 hillstream loaches (P. Myersi), a whole bunch of bronze corydoras (they had offspring, ~12 fish), and 4 amano xl shrimps.

No ammonia and nitrites, I did get way too high nitrates but that's more and more under control (~50ppm now). The filter is a Sicce Whale 350 and there are two bubblers (Eheim 200 split in two bubblers IIRC). Temperature is about 25-26°C (77-79F).

I used to keep a singular betta in the tank with the cories and celebes, but I have had the worst luck with them. Three died in about 1.5 years. One disappeared while I was on vacation, so I don't fully know what happened (family came to check up on them, but they were also perplexed). The second one was sickly from the start and kind of wasted away with clear dropsy at the end.
The third one got stuck in a little glass vase I put on the glass with an anubia pinto plant. I got him out but he was barely alive, and although he seemed to slowly get better he eventually died of dropsy (but without clear signs of infection) in the end too.

My current working theory is that the tank is too busy, but as long as the betta is healthy it's fine. Yet betta's can't be fine all the time, and my nitrate spikes didn't help of course.

I also don't give the bigger betta pellets as the main feed anymore since the last one died of dropsy without clear signs of infection (I still have a betta in another 70l/20 gallon planted tank with shrimps), but I'm not fully sure if that's a factor that really mattered. Still, I feel like they can disrupt the digestion (especially since I tend to give too much of it) (I try not to).

I also tend to go for calmer betta's in the LFS that will probably not mess too much with my other fish in the community tank, but the second one was in retrospect too calm and hidey.
In theory they like almost still water, but I have a lot of resting places (esp near the surface), choose betta's with smaller fins and keep an eye out that they don't get thrown around in the tank.

So I'm looking for a centre piece fish with lots of personality, but who will most likely leave my other fish alone. I can return them to the LFS if it doesn't really work out, or if they don't need much space I have a 30l quarantine tank running in the background. So I can manouvre if it doesn't work out, but still.

I tried honey gourami's, but my Celebes fish were scared of them and only stayed between the plants. They were also quite dominant actually. I'm pretty sensitive about agression in my tank.

I'd love to just get another betta, but I don't want to guinea pig one after another till I perhaps find out my tank truly is too busy for them.

Tl;dr: want another fish in stead of betta's, that can handle other busybodies but doesn't dominate. No honey gourami's or livebearers please.

Through the years I have struggled with perfectionism, low self worth, and an overwhelming need to make everyone else happy at my own expense. Recently I've begun wondering if this is related more to my own personal upbringing (my mom and sister share a lot of these traits) or if it's a wider experience of being a woman in modern society.

Growing up in a world where women had successfully entered the job market, there was still an unspoken urging that I had to be better than my male peers to earn my place in the world. There still felt like there were expectations that women would follow all the rules, keep the peace, and maintain the home/workspace. Is this an off base interpretation of societal pressures, or do any of you find yourselves still struggling with some of these messages?

ETA: Also, what are some positive ways being raised as a woman has impacted you?

I'm in England, this is going to matter with this.

My wife's business has outgrown a small office space. She does HTV clothing and accessories, mugs, etc. Basically, personalised vinyl and sublimation. The equipment she uses is large, A3 printers, dye cutter (Cricut but about to get an A2 bad boy) and probably an A2 printer too.

I've been looking for 5m squared log cabins and similar. Something like this would be an ideal shape. One wall, floor to ceiling, will be dedicated to storage of vinyl, mugs, t shirts, etc. hence thinking there's no point in going A frame style.

I'm assuming 15cm deep concrete base by whatever size the cabin will be, squared, plus 30cm to make sure the base is big enough.

Thoughts?

Do I build something myself or spend out on the Lego cabin style everyone seems to be selling in 44mm timber? Do I put in the base and build my own cabin around it using straight timber and sheet materials from merchants?

There's two main factors for me, cost and insulation. As she's using it for storing clothing it needs to not get damp so it'll need to be a good material and probably will need a dehumidifier in and on all year round when the door is closed. Do I sheet in layers with insulation foam?

Anyway, you get the idea. Links and general advice is welcome.

Recently I've found myself with my previous backpack running through its life, and its not something I'm confident I could repair myself. As such, I'm on the search for a new daily bag. I'm curious what others look for in a daily bag for work or school, and what options people like right now.

My girlfriend and I have been in the market for new computer chairs at home, as we have been getting increasingly uncomfortable in our existing chairs. We are both shorter people (both under 5’5”) and the problem we’ve been coming across is in most chairs (even the ones I’ve found for “short” people) tend to have seat depths of 16+ inches. What ends up happening is the edge of the seat ends up pushing into our calves leading to bad posture because we can’t sit up fully to the back of the chair unless our lower back gets leaned forward a bit due to the size of the seat depth. This leads to bad posture and back pain.

So I’m curious fellow short people of Tildes, does anyone have any recommendations for a more comfortable and ergonomic chair for short people?

I am interested in hearing people's thoughts about where women have made great strides in progress of women rights/equality/equity vs where we've been stuck on progress.

I've been torn on how I've felt about when RBG said the Supreme Court would be equal once it had 9 women on it. Source because I do kind of understand the perspective of in history we've been "fine" with it being all male, so why cant the opposite be fine?

However at the same rate isn't that why we've been working hard on getting a seat at the table because we werent truly fine with it.

In some ways I've seen so much progress in my personal life and then I'll look at the statistics and see that only 10% of CEOs are women and 28% congress is women source

Yet we're about half if not slightly more than half the population. I feel like some progress has been rolled back as well, over the past couple years with the rise of extreme right wing ideology, and I feel like roe vs wade was a roll back in progress and we've stalled on increasing power. Then again nearly 50% women supported rolling it back, and I don't want to dimiss that perspective even though I adamantly disagree with it because for them it was progress.

I personally have been excited to see some local progress as the Wisconsin Bucks got their first female assistant coach. As well as glad to be part of one of the companies with a female CEO.

I'd really like to see a women president in the USA in my lifetime. That's I think the next big ceiling.

So what's some progress you've been glad to see?Anything local? and where do you worry we've stalled? What do you want to see as the next "glass ceiling broken"?

I've been having a particularly rough time finding a new job in the field I graduated in. I'm doing pretty much everything most job sites have told me but networking is kinda hard.

I don't currently work in my field so I don't know anyone that would be particularly useful. Everyone I know is already aware of my situation and some of them have even found leads for me but no luck yet.

I have gone to events related to organizations I'm interested in and spoken to people there but it feels super weird to just approach people and tell them I'm looking for a job.

Similarly Linkedin is super foreign to me. This post is literally the most I've ever interacted with a social media site. What do I do once I open that app? Am I supposed to just stalk people on there that might hire me someday? I tried joining a "group" but it's been pending for a week now.

I'm sad to admit it, but several members of my household have a crippling egg addiction and all our local suppliers are getting pretty stingy with prices. So we're breaking into the supply chain and getting the good stuff right at the source

But seriously, looking to get some chickens soon and it's been difficult finding spesific details. Most of the resources I see either paint chickens as exceptionally easy and self sufficient, or details extremely technical info for business farmers. Just based on the info I can put together, I'm building a small coop (2.5m^2) and fencing a run that can extend out to about 10m^2. Think it should be enough for 5 or 6 birds and I'll line the house out with plenty of straw and make a little nesting nook. I'll need to let them out in the morning, feed them grain and kitchen scraps, close them up at night and keep a temporary pen for broody hens.

Is that it? Do I have to get spesific breeds or types? Will it be better to raise them from young or just get fully grown? Temps range from -5C to 32C trough the year so do they need insulation or cooling? Are the eggs just safe to eat straight out the chicken? What are the best chicken pun names?

Most importantly, are they good to keep around kids? My toddler has a very... enthusiastic love for animals but I know birds will not put up with her the way the cats or dog do. And is there any hygiene or parasite risks I need to be aware of?

Would really appreciate any advice or anecdotes people have to share about these animals.

The idea of what it means to be a man has evolved significantly over the last century. We can build a fresh perspective on understanding masculinity beyond the stereotypical confines of strength, stoicism, and dominance. I appreciate Deimos trying out new groups and allowing topics to flourish. I could see this group having healthy discussions about the diverse experiences and expectations of men in today's society.

I envision topics on personal anecdotes, insights, and questions. I wanted to list out a few possibilities for future discussions that are top of mind.

1. The changing roles and responsibilities of men in personal and professional life.
2. The impact of societal norms and expectations on men's mental health.
3. Embracing vulnerability and emotional openness.
4. Men's role in promoting gender equality and mutual respect.
5. The significance of self-care and well-being in men's life.
6. How men can effectively communicate their emotions, needs, and concerns.
7. Relationships, expectations, and stereotypes

While not comprehensive, it's a start of areas we may consider. What are your thoughts on what this group could be?

EDIT - Grammar and Summary 7/9/2023 @3 pm mountain

Hello, everyone. It's encouraging to see such in-depth and thoughtful conversations on ~life.men. I wanted to take a moment to recap the significant themes I read up to this point. This is high level, so please correct me if I got it wrong.

Our discussions around Stoicism have been quite enlightening, and we've recognized its potential to encourage self-control and inner resilience. Nevertheless, we've also acknowledged its potential misuse, which might inadvertently promote unhealthy aspects of masculinity. This is a subject that requires more nuanced exploration.

We've unanimously expressed the need for a supportive environment for men of all identities. This includes cis, gay, trans, and men of all other identifications. Despite potential challenges such as toxicity and inactivity, many believe this forum can serve as a respectful and positive space to engage in discussions about contemporary masculinity.

Conversations have emphasized challenging traditional gender norms and fostering inclusivity. There's been a strong consensus against defining masculinity by outdated stereotypes. We've expressed a shared commitment to creating an environment welcoming everyone, regardless of gender identity. We also acknowledge the role of diverse geographical and cultural backgrounds in shaping our understanding of gender, which we deeply value.

The topic of men's role in promoting gender equality has been prominent. We agree on the importance of men as allies in this movement. Tackling the rigid roles defined by patriarchal norms is crucial, as is having open and transparent conversations on these issues. Progress in gender equality benefits everyone - it's not a zero-sum game.

We've also delved into gender norms, roles, and the usage of gendered language. It's been encouraging to see such scrutiny of societal expectations and a strong emphasis on promoting universally beneficial values and inclusivity. There's a shared understanding of the complexity of gendered language and how it can both define personal identity and represent broader affiliations.

We've explored varied experiences in male-specific spaces. From the importance of representing all demographics to discussing the challenges of modern fatherhood, we've covered extensive territory. There's a shared commitment to guard against potential toxicity and ensure balance in all our discussions.

We have expressed the importance of focused discussions on men's experiences. Challenging assumptions about masculinity and addressing men's issues from multiple perspectives can impact our society.

I'm new to Tildes and not sure where to go from here. Given all the valuable insights and themes we've gathered, how can we adopt draft guidelines for our community? I suspect we can see how this develops organically, but I appreciate approaching things intentionally. Thanks for all the comments and discussions. It has me thinking much more broadly!

Apologies for the vague title, but the topic itself is really open, and I was having trouble cutting down on its scope.

Here’s some background: Recently, I’ve been going through several transitions in life: moving and switching jobs somehow were not the most stressful among them. During this period I’ve been trying to keep all of the various tasks, events, reminders, alarms, etc. organized for myself. This process of organizing my time has been extremely overwhelming for me. I’ve been trying to take it one step at a time, only adding tasks as they come up. This still has lead to my problem of figuring out whether or not an event should be added to my calendar, or a task added to my todo list, or even an alarm added to my phone. If I add everything, then it becomes tough to see what is important, and if I don’t then I risk not remembering one of them.

My question is kind of two fold: what tools do you use to keep track of your day/tasks/events, and what philosophy do you have regarding adding or omitting items?

For me right now, I am using google calendar to keep track of major events and birthdays, and for everything else I use a physical notepad. In my calendar, I have birthdays and any event that has a time set in stone. This lets me see whether or not I am actually free when I’m invited to things or asked if I can help someone out.

For everything else, I use my notepad and attempt to keep track of anything that could be considered a task. At the end of each day I try to organize my list of tasks based on how immediately they need to be completed or how important they are to complete.

My system has two pitfalls: occasionally I over extend myself, because an event (stored on my calendar) will coincide with a day where many of my tasks (stored in my notepad) are due. For example, I had a day where I worked in the office (9 hours plus commute), had another event (4 hours plus commute), 1 task that took me two hours, 3 different tasks (each one ending up taking over an hour), and several other tasks that I didn’t even get to before falling asleep.

What tools/systems/philosophies do you use? And semi-related, how does one keep from falling into the trap of spending more time planning than actually living?

I would be interested in tips, thoughts, and experiences folks have had with raising sons. I work in healthcare (in finance) and am acutely aware that most of my colleagues are women, as were most of my teachers, and class mates in college. With this in mind, it seems that the feminine side of raising sons is well represented. I've been reading and soul searching about good practices for the father of a son but would welcome all perspectives. Another interesting aspect is that I've found many parenting books to be focused on mothers rather than fathers. The few I've found that are focused tend to be religious/ Christian. Nothing wrong with that but would like to hear the collected wisdom here. To be clear I am hoping to get specific thoughts and actions rather than a broad topic with concepts and ideals.

I'm a soon-to-be new dad of a baby girl. I have loved and played soccer since 6 years old, and would love nothing more than to see my daughter take to the game. However, I would never force anything on her just because I happen to like it - if she ends up having no interest in soccer, so be it.

So my question to those of you who play/played, do you remember what got you hooked? I'll obviously be kicking the ball around with her at the park, and my city is fortunate enough to have a pro women's team, so I'll be taking her to games. Is there anything else I can do to put together my best "pitch deck" together for the sport?

Thanks in advance, and go KC Current! :)

I just changed rooms, and my new neighbor makes noise. It's not much of a problem for other people, but I wake up at the slightest sound or the slightest change in lighting. Because of this, I am not able to sleep properly. I have tried earbuds and earplugs, but they hurt my ears. Can you suggest how I can become a heavy sleeper? Or how to sleep in this environment?

This week marks my 8th year of working in IT, and I have been feeling more and more that I am ready to move onto something different. Both my undergraduate and masters degrees were in the arts (Japanese, and Linguistics respectively), and I just sort of fell into IT as a job because I was always good with computers and it seemed like it had a pretty great pay-to-effort ratio. Now that I am approaching the decade mark, I feel like it's not what I want to do any more. Even my current job (which I once described as my dream role) has lost its sheen, and the prospect of spending the rest of my working life having to study and learn new technologies, and keep up with the latest developments just fills me with dread. I don't want to be in my fifties and reading endless documentation to try and understand why MacJibbleGPT is now the preferred way to skilter a virtualised quallock. In short, I would like to relegate my computing to the level of "hobby."

The problem is, I really don't know what I would like to do instead. The last time I had an idea of a career that I wanted to follow was as a teenager when I wanted to be a doctor, but I didn't get the grades. Since then I've just sort of fallen from thing to thing, and been a bit directionless, just assuming that IT would be enough to carry me through my working life, and focus on my hobbies for fulfilment. Well my hobbies are now very fulfilling, but they just make the slog of the work day even harder.

So how do I go about figuring out what it is that I want to do? I have done a few quizzes online (via reputable organisations), I've contemplated the jobs of my friends and family, and I still just feel like nothing is inspiring me. There are a few problems that I need to try and work around with finding something new as well:

• At least for the next 6 years or so, I am geographically fairly restricted to being within a reasonable driving distance to my daughter's home
• Shit is expensive, so I need to minimise the hit to my salary
• I do not have the money to get a degree or similar vocational qualification
• I would like stable hours, and not to work weekends or evenings (this is more job-specific than it is career-specific)
• Hybrid working is preferable to full-time in the office or full-time WFH (ditto)

So I ask my fellow Tilderen, have you ever pivoted into a completely different career after several years of investing your time into another? How did it go? How did you go about figuring out what you wanted to do instead? What advice would you have for me, a nearly-31-year-old who still has most of her working life ahead of her?

The other day I created a post here to evoke discussion around what kind of topics, and community norms we might consider. I offered up initial thoughts to spark conversation and there were a lot of people offerings deep insights. I spent the past few days learning from everyone and reading through comments. I tried to capture the high level take aways in a summary and added it as an edit to my original post. Here is a link to the full thread.

It was suggested I post that summary as a new topic for better visibility and so that's the intention of this new post. This is only the foundation of what we could consider as we evolve the discussions, and it helps surface the initial thoughts and perspectives we have collectively shared.

It's encouraging to see such in-depth and thoughtful conversations on ~life.men. I wanted to take a moment to recap the significant themes I read up to this point. This is high level, so please correct me if I got it wrong, and I may have missed something valuable that needs called out.

Our discussions around Stoicism have been quite enlightening, and we've recognized its potential to encourage self-control and inner resilience. Nevertheless, we've also acknowledged its potential misuse, which might inadvertently promote unhealthy aspects of masculinity. This is a subject that requires more nuanced exploration.

We've unanimously expressed the need for a supportive environment for men of all identities. This includes cis, gay, trans, and men of all other identifications. Despite potential challenges such as toxicity and inactivity, many believe this forum can serve as a respectful and positive space to engage in discussions about contemporary masculinity.

Conversations have emphasized challenging traditional gender norms and fostering inclusivity. There's been a strong consensus against defining masculinity by outdated stereotypes. We've expressed a shared commitment to creating an environment welcoming everyone, regardless of gender identity. We also acknowledge the role of diverse geographical and cultural backgrounds in shaping our understanding of gender, which we deeply value.

The topic of men's role in promoting gender equality has been prominent. We agree on the importance of men as allies in this movement. Tackling the rigid roles defined by patriarchal norms is crucial, as is having open and transparent conversations on these issues. Progress in gender equality benefits everyone - it's not a zero-sum game.

We've also delved into gender norms, roles, and the usage of gendered language. It's been helpful to see such scrutiny of societal expectations and a strong emphasis on promoting universally beneficial values and inclusivity. There's a shared understanding of the complexity of gendered language and how it can both define personal identity and represent broader affiliations.

We've explored varied experiences in male-specific spaces. From the importance of representing all demographics to discussing the challenges of modern fatherhood, we've covered extensive territory. There's a shared commitment to guard against potential toxicity and ensure balance in all our discussions.

We have expressed the importance of focused discussions on men's experiences. Challenging assumptions about masculinity and addressing men's issues from multiple perspectives can impact our society.

I'm new to Tildes and not sure where to go from here. Given all the valuable insights and themes we've gathered, how can we adopt draft guidelines for our community? I suspect we can see how this develops organically, but I appreciate approaching things intentionally. Thanks for all the comments and discussions. It has me thinking much more broadly and about things I hadn't considered.

EDIT
I received early feedback that "guidelines" may be the wrong ask here. The thought was to be intentional and surface a "purpose" for having a men group. Being new to Tildes, I'll defer to community as to what's the right way to move forward. Regardless, I appreciate the conversations and discourse that Tildes brings.

I’m going to be replacing my mattress soon, and there are a lot more options available now, including many that I can order online instead of having to go get from a furniture store. Every time I’ve tried ones out in the store it’s always been a crapshoot as to whether or not I actually like it once I get it home, as I can’t really get a good feel for it there. As such I’m more than willing to go with the convenience of an online brand, but would rather hear from some people besides sponsored YouTubers first.

What brand of mattress do you sleep on and like? Any brands you had bad experiences with and would avoid?

I'm in a fortunate position of being in a reasonably well compensated but very specialised role in the pharma industry, and after some recent layoffs have been casually surveying what other opportunities might be out there.

However, I'm really struggling to get a sense of my market value, as little to none of the salary info on e.g. Glassdoor or published surveys from recruitment bodies captures anything similar to my position.

My compensation is way off published ranges I can find, so I don't know if I have "golden handcuffs" or if the data I am looking to is garbage.

In effect, my position developed organically over a few years, and has bits of middle management as well as governance, project management and individual contributor work. I don't think there is even anyone within my organisation with a similar role, I have several responsibilities which normally you wouldn't concentrate under one individual if you were designing from the ground up.

I'd be really interested if anyone has been in a similar position, or any recommendations to on how to benchmark yourself when it isn't obvious what you should be benchmarking against.

I had my 5th kid a few weeks ago and now have a vasectomy scheduled for early August. Any tips or suggestions for prep or recovery? They gave me some general advice regarding compression shorts, ice, rest...

Related question for those of you don't having kids or firmly decided against kids and didn't get a vasectomy: why not? I'm curious what methods you're using to prevent having kids.

I have an 8 year old blind silky terrier that seems to have all but lost his hearing after last night. I took him out last night and a neighbor unexpectedly set off fireworks. The display lasted for about five minutes and he didn't seem scared. I moved him away, but not completely away.

Since this morning he's been unresponsive to calls and sounds. He hasn't been wagging his tail much, has been bumping into the things in the apartment, and wasn't interested in his leash.

I've got a vet appointment for tomorrow morning. Is there anything I can do to help? Is this a common occurrence? He's my first dog and he just seems so lost

Update (copied from a comment):

His hearing has been improving tremendously. The carprofen the vet prescribed helped a lot, IMO. He's able to hear about 80% as well as he could before, though it takes him a little bit to understand. At least until he takes his medicine, then he can hear a bit better.

However, yesterday morning on his walk his front left paw started twitching and spasming uncontrollably. Poor guy was hopping around, could barely stand or even sit. He didn't seem hurt and there weren't any signs of injury (bee sting, bug bite, cuts, etc.). Took him to the emergency room immediately and they prescribed him some gabapentin. Fortunately the spasms went away and he's running and jumping around again

I started getting into makeup about six months ago and I've become a bit obsessed. I've been trying to nail a natural, glowy everyday look which I mostly have down.

I managed to work out what my undertone is - always thought I had cool undertones but it turns out I'm neutral tending towards warm. I think this was one of the trickiest things to get to grips with, especially as it's one of the first things you need to figure out if you want to find a good foundation match. I tried lots of the recommendations online and spent an inordinate amount of time staring at blue and green marker lines on my arms trying to work out which ones more closely resembled the colour of my veins (the fact that I couldn't tell should have been a clue I was neutral). In the end I took a photo of my face and put it into Photoshop and used the colour picker to see the CMYK balance of my skin tone.

My approach to my makeup base has been to follow Lisa Eldridge's technique for covering acne/ redness etc. It basically involves using a base layer of tinted moisturizer before applying concealer where needed (I generally use a primer beforehand as well). I'd like to try some colour correctors to better conceal redness and the circles under my eyes but e.l.f has completely sold out of the colours I need and I'm waiting for them to come back in stock.

I really like Jecca Blac's glow drops for adding some glow/ highlights to my face. It's the only product of theirs I've tried but I would recommend them as a brand if you're just getting started with makeup. They're vegan, cruelty free and gender free/ trans inclusive, and they offer free consultations if you buy a product with them so you can learn how to properly apply it.

Another product I use all the time is the Body Shop's freestyle multitasking crayon in the colour 'staple'. It's one of the first things I bought and I think it's great as a starter product because it has so many uses - it's lip-liner, blush and eyeshadow all in one. It's good for travel as well for the same reason.

The other thing I do most days is tightline my eyes. I tend to follow this technique which works well for me and gives my eyes a bit more definition without being over the top. My eyelashes are quite dark and long anyway so I tend not to use mascara on a daily basis.

If anyone has any tips on doing winged eyeliner I'd love to hear them! I think I probably just need more practice but I find it quite hard because I'm basically unable to wink so I have to do it with my eyes open.

Also any product recommendations for a setting spray/ powder (preferably vegan and cruelty free). I'm currently using e.l.f's Halo Glow setting powder but I find it quite mattifying and it tends go a bit cakey for me after a few hours.

Anyway, I would love to hear any and all of your thoughts on makeup. What products do you love? Are you looking for some recommendations? What's your goal with makeup and what does your routine look like? Anyone that you follow for inspiration or tips?

I work from home 5 days a week and have done for years with the same chair (it’s nothing fancy). After a couple of hectic days at work this week I’ve found my back hurting. I’ve never had this issue before as I usually take pretty regular breaks.

I’ve been toying with the idea of a sit stand desk so when I’m busy I can still take a break from sitting.

Does anyone else have experience and insight into the pros and cons?

Thanks

I just wanted to clarify what kind of space we want this to be. What kind of topics are acceptable/unacceptable to be put here and so on. Are men encouraged to post here too (I hope so because I am one), or do we want this to be a place primarily around giving a voice to women?

A friend and their partner got into a heated squabble about bread clips. My friend is a staunch defender of the clip; his partner prefers to tie the end of the bag into a knot. They recently bought a home together, and I would like to gift them a lifetime supply of bread clips. I'm unsure of the exact amount, but I'm thinking whatever amount is visually shocking would be good enough. Maybe 1000, maybe 10,000. I'm having trouble sourcing a suppler. Does anyone know of one? TIA

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bread_clip

I'm a fairly tall person and my partner and I both really love large blankets. However, I'm not a big fan of the thin/plush style often sold at stores like Walmart. Does anyone have large, thick/quality blanket recommendations?

I've looked at BigBlanketCo but their blankets seem to be somewhat overpriced and underwhelming.

Hello, I’ve been working in technology for nearly 10 years and I just can’t be arsed anymore.

The companies I’ve worked for have generally been B2B, providing technology solutions for other technology platforms, but there’s no “product” or “thing” at the end, just some more shitty software.

I try to provide the best service I can, but I end up burning out each week. Just utterly fed up and lacking any motivation to make improvements as I have too much other stuff to “deliver”.

My question is more around what drives any of you ?
Do you get up in the morning wanting to make a difference ?
Do you work in an area that directly does good in the world ?
How do you stay motivated and fulfilled in your careers?

What makes you want to get up each day ?

Initial SCOTUS rulings on affirmative action were before my time. I agree with the concept. Do you? Has it affected you positively? Negatively? Now that affirmative action has “ended” and we’ve totally “solved racism”, what is the path forward? There’s a lot of opinions out there but I want to know what real people think about the consequences in all our lives, U.S. or otherwise. Let’s talk.

As someone who deals with ADHD, I often have a lot of trouble keeping myself organized. I have so many different thoughts swirling around in my head, and things I want to do, but it's hard to plan my time correctly. I often get the feeling that I'm wasting my day.

I'm wondering if anyone else has this experience, and what you do to keep yourself organized.

Something that has been bothering me for a long time is that the majority of voters in the US are parents. It seems paid parental leave is something that most people can empathize with needing, and that would benefit most people’s lives. So I have such a hard time understanding why it isn’t proposed more often or prioritized as a voting issue. When I was pregnant with my daughter, I was shocked to hear that my own mother had to decide between going back to her job 3 weeks post partum or losing her job. I can’t believe that things have not really improved (in terms of protections for all parents, not just by industry/state/company)

I read an interesting NPR article about how the AARP solidified the aging population into a powerful voting block that has skewed lawmakers to addressing their needs. Because this organization has clear priorities and influences many voters, lawmakers have incentive to pass laws the AARP supports. This article suggested that if parents could join together and create a similar political group, it would be the biggest and most powerful voting block.

So I’m interested in what your opinions are. Do you see parental leave as important? If so, why don’t we have a national leave policy? How do we get there?

Hello,

I’m soon to become a father to my firstborn child and have the opportunity to take some paternity leave through work. While the length of time I can take is very generous (as far as I know), I’m truly unsure how much is usually the norm for fathers.

I work in a stable office job, while my wife is self employed and will be taking 3 months off. I am leaning towards taking the week after birth off and intermittently working from home afterwards as needed, as even with leave I would most likely not receive my full 100% pay, which we will definitely need. In addition to the financial impact, my daily work usually consists of stuff that my coworkers would be unable or struggle with staying on top of, and I do not want to put any extra burden on them, or have tasks not completed merely to back up until my return.

Any advice or comments would be much appreciated as I am struggling to figure this out!

I'm finally ready to sacrifice my self esteem and faith in humanity at the altar of dating apps. My question for those of you with more experience with them is this - do different apps attract noticeably different pools of users? What have you noticed comparing the populations on different apps? Which wound up working best for you, if any of them did?

Any that had particular features that bothered you? I've been using Hinge for like a day and already discovered they have a separate queue for your best matches that they demand a premium currency to message :/

Living in northern Virginia, it seems like half of newly-constructed homes are earmarked for "active adult" 55 and up communities.

Is there a financial incentive above and beyond normal residential construction that these are popping up more?

It seems like a newer trend that's picked up in the last 5 or 10 years.

Edit 1: Thank you all for the input and sharing your perspective. It's just been a question hanging in the back of my mind as I've been driving around in recent months.

and a good japanese futon mattress as well.

i'm moving from a house into an apartment and am scaling my life down significantly. this seems a pretty good option... but unfortunately i don't know a whole lot about either of these (yet) so i'm looking for some guidance.

thanks!

Hi all. I'm planning on proposing to my girlfriend this year. I'm looking for a place to buy a simple/dainty moissanite or lab-grown diamond ring, preferably from an ethical seller with a good return policy. Does anyone have any recommendations?

In the next few months, I'm going to be on the rental market again for the first time in a couple of years. The last time I rented, I lucked into a very nice condo that was being rented out by the owner, and it was fantastic. We developed a great rapport. I looked after the place and paid the rent on time. She was kind and responsive whenever I had a problem. It felt like we were both getting exactly what we needed out of the arrangement.

She wanted to raise the rent when my lease renewed, but it was a very reasonable ask to cover an increase in her HOA fees. It was significantly less any increase than I had been subjected to on any prior lease renewal, which I appreciated.

After experiencing this, I decided I was done with corporate landlords who use algorithms (i.e., price fixing) to make sure they're extracting as much cash as possible and churning through tenants as they progressively price out more and more people without any regard for them and with no connection to the communities they're hollowing out on the way to more profit.

I ended up leaving that condo for a reason unrelated to the rent increase, and I'm trying to find a similar setup again… but I'm not sure where to look honestly. Pretty sure I found that place on Craigslist which seems to have since devolved into a playground for scammy "landlords" whose dear old mothers have all come up sick in some far away corner of the country so they can't show me the furnished apartment they're renting for 20% below market rate, but if I'll kindly send the deposit, they'll gladly mail me the keys.

Does anyone have any hot tips for how to find rentals like this in major metropolitan areas in the US?

I am co-admin of a small Discord group (currently 5 members; we like to keep it up around 7-9) that is dedicated to enthusiastic, interactive accountability, support, task management, habit tracking, yada ... all that good stuff. Atomic Habits is one of our popular guiding stars.

And, yeah, we've lost a couple of members recently, and we're looking to invite a few new people to the group.

This is an active group. We expect people to contribute (at least) daily, both regarding their own efforts, and in helping/supporting others in their efforts. One of the things we try to emphasize is providing active support and feedback to others, rather than just posting our own goals and efforts ... this is one of the areas where we feel that "traditional" accountability buddies/groups fail.

Drop me a DM if you're interested, and we can discuss details.

Edit: Thanks for the replies. I think we have enough "new blood" for now. If you're still interested, just keep an eye out for another invite post in a few months, when membership starts to flag.

Hi Tildes! Long time lurker here who recently got an account. I love the long-form thoughtful discussion here and thought this might generate some interesting replies.

I and my partner left a high-control religious community (fundamentalist evangelicalism, think a Canadian version of the Shiny Happy People doc) eight years ago, and the experience was like a bomb going off in our life that we still find ourselves recovering from in many ways.

Growing up in that environment led to us having an extremely strong, and very possibly distorted, sense of what community is. People that treat you like family; bringing meals when you're sick, throwing you wedding showers, helping with home repairs, being shoulders to cry on... the works. Of course, as we later found out, this community could very easily be turned against you by certain powerful members of it, and it turned out there were many many strings attached that only became visible once we bumped up against them. When we left Christianity our entire community essentially disowned and ghosted us and we were left adrift.

It's now been eight years and we've managed to develop some friendships with folks that we hang out with once in a while, but nothing that even approaches the level of closeness and "family" that we felt in the church.

But maybe that's not normal or a realistic expectation? The funny thing about being so immersed in a subculture like that your entire life is that when you're suddenly on the outside of it, you realize you don't really have any idea what normal is. I still feel like I don't a lot of the time.

So: What insight can you share? Has anyone had a similar experience? What do your social communities look like out here in the real world? How do you find them?

In light of our 4th 5th^ish? anniversary here, I believe it is time for another thread on those beloved furry/scaly/feathered friends we all know and are beholden to.

So fellow Tilderinos, share your pets! Photos! Stories! Antics! Attitudes! How they've changed your life! How you've changed theirs!

Inspired by this thread

I'm a young single adult with a fairly well paying remote job. I've been in my career for almost 4 years now and have saved up a decent chunk of money through investing and saving.

My game plan was to use the "market crash" that everyone was predicting in 2023 to try and make a stab at purchasing a home. When the interest rates spiked I thought it was a great sign for me because I thought for sure that housing prices would fall accordingly, jokes on me though because several months later homes in my area have barely gone down in price at all and even closer to town in nicer areas prices continue to climb.

Not only that but the only real thing the rate hikes have done for me personally is make what was looking like a modest mortgage payment suddenly become far less affordable, even with my very low personal spending.

Is anyone else in a similar situation? Are we doomed to rent forever? Should I move out to the boonies where it seems like that's the only place left with non-insane housing prices?

I look at Zillow and houses in my area that sold for 200k~ less than 5 years ago are now on the market for 400k-500k. It feels like anyone who didn't get in back then is just completely screwed

/rant

I haven't seen a post talking about or sharing pets on Tildes yet. My pets are a huge part of my life, and I'm sure others are the same way. Tell their stories, and post some pictures!

Lily was my wife and I's first pet. We got her at an adoption event, and she was a wonderful animal. Unfortunately, she did not like getting a lot less attention when we had kids. It got to the point where we gave her up to a new home because she was violent with our children. She needed lots of attention, and we couldn't do that for her, she found an only-cat home and is much happier.

Solo was our second pet, and the old man of the house, being now 10 years old with FIV. My MIL fed the neighborhood cats before they moved, and we noticed this guy in terrible condition. He had no chip, and it looks like no home for a while. My wife originally said we would keep him until he got better, then we would put him up for adoption. Instead, we decided to keep him. At night he comes upstairs and lays on me before bed, purring heavily. Best anti-anxiety medicine ever!

Aurora is our newest addition to our family. She's a total goofball and brings joy and silliness to our home. even though she's a Husky, she doesn't "talk" much, but all the other melodrama is still there. She always wants to hold my hand as a sign of affection, and wants all the love all the time, just like she gives. She helps me stick to my running regiment being my running buddy, and has done noticeable wonders for my mental health, something both my parents and siblings have told me.

I'm a few years out of college and just landed my first "career" job last fall as an operations manager at a non-tech company. I enjoy the work and am learning a lot, but the work/life balance leaves a bit to be desired with very limited PTO days. My girlfriend and I want to move to the Denver area about a year from now and I want to try to get a job in the tech industry doing operations or project management.

Have any of you been in my position before? What kind of jobs can someone with about 2 years of operations management experience find to get them on the project manager track at a tech company?

I'm new to tildes and thought I'd start a topic about frugality, as it's something constantly on my mind. (hopefully ~life is the right place, apologies in advance if not!) I try to look at spending a few ways; cost, environmental impact, and time. The time is important, because some frugal tips take up so much time that they end up not being very frugal in the long run. So here are some of the things I've done or started doing in the past few years to try and bring our monthly budget down without giving up much.

Started using Flipp, Ibotta and Flash Food.

These three apps aren't going to save you a ton but enough to make a difference without much effort. Flipp uses your location to gather all the circular ads for stores near you so you can compare prices on items more efficiently. Ibotta is a rebate app that is quick and easy, just claim anything you might buy and once you hit 20 bucks you can redeem for gift cards or cash. The key is to only buy things if it ends up being cheaper than the option you normally buy, or stuff you buy already. Flash Food is a new favorite and isn't everywhere but can be really beneficial for produce particularly. Participating stores list items that are overstock or near expiration for significant discounts. You buy right on the app, and head to the the flash food station in the store to pick them up. Mine is by the self checkouts, there's a big freezer with the logo stationed there. They have huge produce boxes often for only 5 bucks! The assortment of goods will vary by store and time of day so I check every so often if I know I'll be near or going grocery shopping anyways.

*If you don't have flash food, there's another called Too Good To Go, It's not in my area so I can't say how useful it is. However, it works similarly for stores but also includes restaurants.

Switched to a double edged safety razor

with a bit of practice, they are just as easy to use as a cartridge razor. The best part is after the initial cost they are CHEAP and you aren't throwing away plastic cartridges anymore.

Vacuum Sealer and Deep Freezer

I slept on a vacuum sealer for far too long, theses keep frozen goods better for so long without worry of freezer burn. Combine that with Flash Food, and you can really save without much effort.

Switched to a Menstrual Cup

I did this many years ago and never looked back. I will be upfront and say that it isn't going to be for everyone, we are all shaped different! However there are many more options for reusable products these days if a cup just doesn't work (discs, cloth pads, and period panties to name a few.) I have endometriosis and I'm a heavy bleeder so this has easily saved me thousands in disposable costs and worked better for me anyhow.

Gardening

This one is tough because it's easy to go over board with costs, but if you get creative with containers and boxes, buy loads of dirt instead of bags, and start from seed indoors and it can be a pretty cheap way to have fresh produce. Add in the vacuum sealer or canning and you can make it even more worth the time. To go with that, I collect rainwater. This is dependent on your local regs of course so find that out first!

Instead of going out to dinner with friends, host pot lucks instead.

This saves everyone money, you still get to see your buds and have a super nice meal. Throw in some board games and it's sure to be a good evening and only cost you the price of a dish.

Rotate your streaming services and other subscriptions

You can't watch them all at once, so why pay for them all the time? I'm sure they are all about to make it harder to share following in Netflix's footsteps so it's a good time to sit down and look at what you are paying for and what you are actually using. You'd be surprised how easy it is to shave off some costs.

Eliminate single use items where you can

I've already touched on this, but things like paper towels, paper plates, plastic storage bags etc add up if you are using them frequently. There are so many things that fill our landfills just for convenience and you are paying for the privilege! There are so many great reusable items these days, it's become more affordable for upfront costs. Coffee pods, makeup wipes, razors, swiffers, bottled water -- it's never ending and all cost more than their frugal alternatives. For instance, I drink tea and switched to a reusable diffuser and loose leaf as well as using an electric kettle instead of turning on the stove or microwave using much less energy and the used tea is good compost and breaks down faster than the bagged variety.

Use your dishwasher

It seems silly, and obviously not everyone has one, but a relatively newer dishwasher is going to use a lot less water than handwashing and it disinfects better.

Feeling like you need that decor item? Try moving decor around instead

You should be deep cleaning your home anyways, and if things feel stale and you are itching to spend try moving things around instead. You'll often find that you are just bored with the current layout of things. So while cleaning, switch it up!

Keep inventory of your freezer

Deep freezers are easy to lose things in, or forget are in there when you go shopping. I use a notes app shared with my husband with a list of stuff in the freezer so we don't buy things we already have and it's easier to figure out a meal at a glance at the list.

At least try to fix or mend things instead of buying new

It's certainly not feasible with some things anymore, and sometimes it ends up being more expensive but it never hurt to take a second look at something before rebuying. Mending clothing, buying a cheap part etc can save you some money and keep things out of the landfill.

I'm excited to read any ideas you guys have. My next venture is going to be meal prepping, so any tips for that would be extra awesome!