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Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (November 2022)
This is a monthly thread for those who need it. Vent, share your experiences, ask for advice, talk about how you are doing. Let's make this a compassionate space for all who may need one.
A week ago today I found out that the day before, my mother died. She had liver cancer, and I saw it coming. We hadn't talked recently, but we never talked frequently. I processed that, and I felt okay. I didn't like it, but I had a moment of intense grief (that is, a sorta primal scream) and then the waters calmed and I felt normal again. I assured my partner they didn't need to come home from work, assured my friends that I was good, and life went on.
Until Sunday.
Sunday is my fun day. My I-don't-have-to-run day. In my specific case, it's a day I hang out with an internet friend (who has been such for well over a decade) and we play games. I also have a fortnightly tabletop game, which was also that Sunday. I figured it'd be a good way to lose myself.
My brain did NOT like that idea. I was so out of spoons I was trying to eat broth with chopsticks. I had no patience, the gaming was intensely frustrating, and eventually I logged out and we just continued to chat through Discord. I also cancelled my tabletop for the night. I knew I wasn't going to be of any use and my head wouldn't be in it.
Since then, my patience has been lower, but I've been getting better. As near as I can tell, one part of my brain wanted life to continue as normal, and another part got offended and said "SOMEONE IMPORTANT FUCKING DIED. Stop acting as if this is normal!" So that part ground things to a halt.
Wow, I'm not doing great. So my wife is done with me. I have been a house husband for many many years. I'm now a friendless, homeless, broke, and jobless 50 year old. My world has shattered. I cycle betweeen horrible depression and being terrified. I truly don't know how to handle this. I'm a fucking mess.
I'm genuinely sorry to hear that. If you would be willing to share roughly whereabouts you are, I (or others here) could try to help you find some local resources you could try to get in touch with to help you out; shelters, mental health services, social/employment services, etc. But if you don't want to share that kind of information publicly, I totally understand. Feel free to PM me if you want to though.
As always I feel like everything is all the same. It's not true at all. I now have a job and between that, still studying and also teaching a course I now have basically zero time. That has been fine for a few months, but now I am starting to be a bit tired from it. And wow time passes so so fast when very busy, it's great and scary at the same time. I still can't comprehend how people can just work 40 hours per week their whole life. Granted, I probably am working more than 40 hours if I add everything up, but still. I guess you just get used to it. Life is so weird.
I once again find myself thinking about all the amazing stuff I will do... next year, after a thing is done. It never happens.
I wonder if it's possible you're swimming in water and have forgotten about the existence of water, or something like that :). In no way do I mean to invalidate your experience here, but it sounds like you're a very accomplished person doing amazing stuff right now day to day! You feel tired and it may be easy to focus on the large list of further cool things you could be doing instead, but I have deep respect for folks who take on just a bit more than they can chew in order to grow (your learning), contribute (your job), and give back (your teaching) all at once :). I have a coworker like you and think she's awesome. I hope you can get some rest on a regular basis and also find some moments to appreciate your amazing-ness in the here and now.
Thank you so much! :)