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Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (December 2022)
This is a monthly thread for those who need it. Vent, share your experiences, ask for advice, talk about how you are doing. Let's make this a compassionate space for all who may need one.
In real life, saying that I'm an introvert would be an understatement. Social anxiety and avoidance are traits of Schizoid personality disorder (yes, my doctor confirmed it, and I think he's getting annoyed because I ask for him to confirm the diagnosis at every consultation :P).
Two weeks ago, my partner rightfully pointed out that, after almost 3 years, I barely know anyone from her family. Her two half-sisters were supposed to visit us with the express purpose of meeting me, to which I reluctantly agree. I was hidden in my office messing with the computer when I heard the noise of them arriving, dogs barking, etc.
My partner dragged me out.
To my surprise, there were not just 2 people, but what, to me, felt like a crowd. There were the two sisters, their husbands, children, and children's boyfriends as well. I could tell immediately that they were very nice people, but they were also normal people, and acting like a normal person is, to me, the equivalent of putting on a show. They were more than I could handle. So I politely excused myself to my office.
Sometime after that, my partner arrived at the office, very distressed. I told her "it's a football stadium out there!", to which she replied, "it's just 7 people", and left saying "when are you going to meet my family?". She was pissed. Even I could tell.
I didn't know what to do, I was in a panic. Every time I meet people like this, things go poorly. I could feel the tremor in my veins, the anxiety and deep fear of messing up. I am very good at being misunderstood in the most blatant way and becoming the target of enduring rejection and hostilities.
At the same time, I knew that my partner was profoundly dissatisfied with my continuous reluctance in meeting her family and close friends. So I quietly left the house, walked to the nearby minimarket, got a mini-bottle of the cheapest vodka I could find and drank about 250ml in two or three big gulps.
After a few minutes, I was the most socially charming person in the whole world. Anxiety melted away. I knew how to respect other people speaking turns and patiently went for mine. I was kind and considerate. I made the correct observations that imparted, to the visitors, that I was a wonderful calm person without a hint of awkwardness. People asked for my contacts, I think I will play videogames with some of them. I was the life of the party, all because of the alcohol!
I told all of the above to my doctor, and he said that I could drink in moderation once a week, no problem. So I got a bottle of Malibu rum and drank a lot more than once a week. Just because I like how I feel while drinking. It turns out that drunk @lou is the best @lou. Today I'm supposed to meet my own family for Christmas, and there's a bottle of vodka in the freezer. Maybe I'll resort to alcohol for future social activities. Using alcohol to mask social anxiety never went wrong, right? Right? Right? :/
Please be very careful going down that path. Alcohol can undeniably help, in moderation, but I know from personal experience the dark path that constantly relying on substances to cope with social anxiety can lead you down. Although in my case it was hard drugs (cocaine and ketamine) being used to mask my panic disorder, not just alcohol. I got clean eventually, but it was a long, hard, miserable road, and I unfortunately lost several friends along the way. It was not worth it, I assure you.
So do yourself a favor, and instead of self-medicating, talk to a psychiatrist about potentially getting yourself some mild sedatives or beta blockers for particularly stressful situations, and/or some other long-term anti-anxiety meds. They all have their own unique set of issues, but will likely be much less harmful for you in the long run, so long as you stick to the prescribed doses. And finding a therapist to teach you some healthier coping mechanism is always highly recommended too.
Thanks. Unfortunately, benzodiazepines are what generally works for me, but my doctor won't prescribe them because I was prone to addiction in a previous attempt at those. So he keeps giving me stuff that doesn't really do anything, and a lot of medications are bad for my tinnitus. So it's complicated.
I'm not nearing a point of alcohol consumption that can pose a threat, the bottle of rum is still there after a week. But I've been seeping on it occasionally. So yeah, more than the doctor allowed for sure.
Benzos (Clonazepam and Ativan in particular) are unfortunately what worked best for me too, but which I was also prone to abusing so could no longer get prescribed anymore (for good reason, and which I'm actually thankful for). So I know your pain. :(
The problem with benzos is that they feel way too good for a lot of people to handle, unfortunately.
Yep. When I was under their influence I almost felt like what I imagine a normal human feels like. :(
Benzos are absolute hell to get off though. By far the worst months of my life were when I was slowly being weened off them. Not even ketamine withdrawal was that bad. Which is one of the reasons why I am actually thankful I can't get prescribed them anymore.
May I recommend trying kava as a substitute for drunkenness? It helps myself and many other operate socially without the various drawbacks of alcohol, cannabis, and benzos. Don't know if it's legal in your neck of the world, or financially manageable, but if it's an option, it's way less destructive than drinking.
I don't have the fortitude at the moment to communicate just how much I empathize with these struggles, but I hope you understand you aren't alone.
Isn't it tragic that normal people drink to feel abnormal, while people like us use that same substance in order to feel normal, even for a moment?