10
votes
Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (February 2023)
This is a monthly thread for those who need it. Vent, share your experiences, ask for advice, talk about how you are doing. Let's make this a compassionate space for all who may need one.
I have not had a good couple of months. I broke up with my partner at the start of December, for various reasons, not the least of which was that their evolving needs around being autistic left very little room for me to get my own needs from a relationship met. I have a strong tendency to be hard on myself, and self-sacrificial, and I spent a long time beating myself up for not being good enough, or not trying hard enough. Then a few weeks later, as I was beginning to recover and start to realise that it's actually OK to have boundaries and emotional needs in a relationship, we did The Stuff Exchange.
My ex proceeded to explain that every one of her mental health struggles for the previous three years were my fault. That they no longer had suicidal thoughts now that they weren't with me. That I wasn't at all difficult to get over. That the new person that they are seeing is superior to me in every possible way, shape, and form (and boy did she enumerate them). Every word of that conversation felt precisely and specifically calculated to wound me, and I was so completely stunned by it that I couldn't begin to fight back. I had gone into the exchange hoping to at least be able to retreat to a point of cordial friendship, and instead felt like someone I had loved completely and trusted totally had ripped my heart out and shredded it before my eyes. I feel so utterly betrayed, and mislead. Yes, I understand that she is hurting as well, and looking for someone to blame. But I cannot begin to understand what sort of person would go out of their way to lash out and cause that much pain to someone that they once claimed to have loved. Even now; wounded, hurt, and incredibly angry, I could never do that to her.
Four weeks gone, and thankfully the pain isn't quite as strong. But I am now in that stage of the breakup where everything reminds me of her, and it just pours a little more salt into the wound every time I remember the good times we had together.
It is hard for me, or anyone else, to say anything too specific about you or your former partner since that seems like a complex situation. But I can say some things I thought while reading your comment, based on my own experiences.
You expressed a preoccupation with your partner's motivations. She's important to you still.
In my experience, it is difficult to truly understand the mental state of others, especially after a breakup.
Reason and meaning won't soothe our emotions. No level of understanding will fill the gap that now resides in you. The work of mourning has its own agenda and will not accelerate with insight. It is not precise that you're afflicted by pain because the pain is not external to you. Right now, you are pain. Don't reason with it. Don't fight it. Don't rush. It is important that you welcome the pain that is within you, and treat it with kindness. Let it rest for a bit.
When you think incessantly about your ex, view these thoughts as the remains of a tidal wave that is no longer. It moves you still, but those are repercussion waves, diminishing little by little. Don't give them any additional force, don't throw yourself into them. But don't reject them either. They are natural repercussions of something that was once beautiful and nourishing. When you appreciate those feelings, you recognize their melancholic beauty without fixating on them. Every time you do that, you say a little goodbye. "Goodbye, dear sentiment. I love and cherish you with all my heart. I will keep the memories, but I am not bound by this feeling any longer. Take your time. When you finally leave, I'll honor you by putting something even more beautiful where you once stood."
:)
This is beautiful, it made me tear up. Thanks lou <3
Thanks Lou, that's amazing. I just had a conversation with my future exwife, just waiting for finalizing. And Wow! Thank you.
That seems really hard. I hope you find some peace soon, and that more time will help.
It's scary that alcohol is the only substance that ever makes me feel like a regular human being. Suddenly everything makes sense. I have a sudden understand of how regular people function. It's wonderful. If you're normal, thank God for that. You don't know how lucky you are.
No need for concern, I only drink once every two months. But God! It feels so good. The world is quiet now.
If you're up for explaining it, what changes for you?
Interesting question.
For context, I have two major mental health diagnoses: ADHD and bipolar disorder. A few months ago I was diagnosed with Schizoid personality disorder as well. But I kinda consider it a provisory diagnosis, even though my doctor confirmed it to me multiple times.
The ADHD fucks my cognition, the bipolar disorder makes me prone to delirious manic episodes, and the Schizoid means that I'm distrustful of society, paranoid in social interactions, a hermit, and a misanthropist. Unlike some in the schizo-spectrum, I don't have hallucinations that people are coming to get me, but I do have the unescapable sensation or belief that everyone secretly despises me and is very focused on me in a negative way.
One thing about ADHD is that you don't have a filter for external stimuli. I can't really ignore much that arrives at my senses. If there's a disturbing noise, an object in my field of view, or a sensation such as heat and cold, I'll be unable to tune it out. Everything hits my brain with great force all the time with no buffer. That is similar to how some autistic people might feel.
When I'm drinking, for a while I have a buffer. Everything slows down and the stimuli come at a pace that makes it enjoyable. I draw pleasure from what other people are saying, I can wait for my turn to talk. I tune out a crowd of people talking at once to focus on what one person is saying to me and responding to it. I understand why normal people seek social gatherings for pleasure. At the same time, I feel incredibly frustrated and jealous of their ability to go through life in a more or less enjoyable way.
In a social gathering, alcohol reduces the number of stimuli my brain absorbs at any given time so I'm relaxed enough to actually enjoy someone's company. Otherwise, it's like they're talking to me through a field telephone while I'm in a WWII trench.
That said, I have no intention to consume alcohol anymore. The precise dosage that will make me happy is impossible to determine, and a lot of times I'll drink too much and fall into a severe bipolar mixed episode. Two days ago my partner had to de-escalate me from a panic attack. It's not pretty.
If you're having really bad panic attacks, talk to your doctor. I have autism and anxiety and just had my script changed from Xanax to Klonopin. I don't take the shit often and when I do I usually bite it in half but it's great to have around as needed. Good luck Lou.
I only had the one, and it was alcohol induced. But thanks;)
Thanks for the reply and great write up. I also have ADHD and have a similar attraction to alcohol but I've never thought of it in those terms. I always called mine "my ambassador", more charismatic and more comfortable. I don't think it's exactly the same as you describe, but a number of your benefits (namely stimuli coming at an enjoyable pace) feel the same. Thank you for putting words to what I couldn't for years!
I always appreciate running into your insights and empathetic replies on Tildes.
Thanks ;)
I suppose that the alcohol interferes with my other very serious diagnoses as well. What can I do 🤷