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I need more hilariously awful pick up lines to make my wife roll her eyes at me
I'm running out of content and need some help. Some of my notable favorites:
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Hey girl, are you a microwave? Because mmmmmmmmmmmmmm (doing my best to imitate the hum a microwave makes).
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Hey girl, are you a parking ticket? Because you have FINE written all over you.
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Hey girl, if you were a fruit, you'd be a fine-apple.
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Hey girl, did you change your name to Campbell? Because mmm mmm.
The feel I'm going for is delivering these with lots of very exaggerated eyebrow raises, often times finger guns, and my best Johnny Bravo voice.
Hey, is your name WiFi? Because I'm feeling a connection.
Hey girl, I must be Hamilton because I'm not throwing away my shot with you tonight.
Hey girl, are you tired? You've been running through my head all night.
Hey girl, we need to hang out, I have a vitamin U deficiency
Hey girl, were you forged in the fires of Mount Doom by Sauron? Because you look Precious. (Gollum voice optional)
Hey girl, are you blocking a river right now, because dam (could backfire, tone gets you through it)
Hey girl, you dropped your name tag. Hand her a packet of sugar
This reminds me of one I forgot about:
Hey girl, are you a beaver? Because DAM!"
Yeah I thought of that as an option but was trying to avoid even the hint of a sexual joke
My college roommate used to carry a sugar packet everywhere he went, just so he’d always be prepared to use this one, lol. You never know when the opportunity might strike!
This was a crass one from my college days. My friend actually ended up with a girlfriend in a roundabout way as a result of this too.
"My imaginary friends and I are having an Orgy. Would you like to join?"
Not a pickup line but it reminds me of "I was invited to a threesome once. Couple of no-shows but I had a good time."
As 10/10 hilarious as this is, I'm gonna have to separate this into a category I reserve for when my kids aren't nearby 😂
I know for a fact if I said this to my wife one of us would be sleeping on the couch for like a week
I love that you're pretending like there is a chance it would be her sleeping on the couch.
Hey girl, If you were a vegetable, you’d be a “cute-cumber.”
I love the other (raunchier?) replies as well, but this is exactly the kind of thing I'm looking for. Thanks!!
Whenever she mentions her birthday, it's your chance to chime in and say,
Great! It's both awful and inoffensive.
That's amazingly bad. I am using that on my wife for sure.
Enjoy! My wife hates it.
Hey girl, are you the ebola virus? Because you're threatening my bodily fluids with forceful evacuation.
Hey girl, are you a centrally located duplex home with a driveway? Because I want to park my car in your garage, seeing as there's no street parking available, especially during the busy summer months when all traffic is a chore and you just want to get away from the city, you know?
Hey girl, are you my step-sister? No? Do you want to be?
I love the middle one. As much as a riddle as it is terrible to have to deliver in person.
I'm in my "forgetting stuff" era. The middle one was inspired by this one comic, whose name I have (temporarily) forgotten. He told okay jokes, but what set him apart was his insistence to keep talking after the punchline. Really daring stuff. The extra spoken stuff was funny too (the only one I can remember is "Yeah, dinosaurs had really tiny brains, like the size of a walnut."), but because the audience was laughing, much in the same way this comment had everyone rolling in the aisles, they missed all the extra parts.
What was that comic's name?
I knew the first one as Hey girl, are you the ebola virus? Because you're making me feel feverish right now.
You go to the bar and you ask for a glass of water.
Then you walk up to
your targetthe beautiful woman you would like to talk to and throw the glass on the ground at her feet."Well that's the ice broken, my name is kaffo"
(a friend actually did this once)
Related story that doesn't really work for the cheesy lines. I knew a girl in university who went to a club and some dude wrapped his arms around her waist and whispered in her ear "your eyes are as beautiful as an African
subsetsunset" and she turned around and said "MATE MY EYES ARE FUCKING GREEN".I know it's a typo, but I spent way too long thinking about "subset of what". And the thinking about null set pickup lines. But I keep going to empty.
Haha phone posting, right before bed and not bothering to re-read. The perfect combo.
One frequently used on my wife is when she's walking away, often after I drop a terrible joke:
Hate to see you leave, but love to watch you walk away baby!
It gets louder and more aggressive as each word of the second half is said aloud.
"Hate to see you leave, love to watch you go" has a better meter
Yeah but Augustus has to account for the Doppler effect as she walks away and that her ears work less well due to her eyes rolling up to space
Hey now! That only happens when I, not great at puns, attempt to pun at her, who is great at puns, and it's actually a good pun.
Fantastic I love a couple who's good at / appreciate puns :D
Sure, but it's less specific, doesn't have the away baby that really allows the emphasis to grow as you make the statement. My wife knows and I want to make it clear that I'm staring at her fantastic ass.
"go" is more subtle, subtlety isn't the point here, the point is that often enough she'll giggle and then back up to put her ass in squeezing range before she then leaves to go do whatever she originally intended to do.
Your relationship sounds delightful! I love that she is in on the joke. Also, for some reason it reminds me of this bit at the end of Pete Holmes' latest special about the unique way he courts his wife: https://youtu.be/qzsHolR05hg?t=3150
Spouse is always implying that a well-rounded derriere in motion should have a soundtrack.
There's a show I haven't thought about in forever, soo many gems. A few I remember:
I’m pretty, you’re pretty, wanna go home and stare at each other?
Girl, you’re like an itchy rash. You’re hot and make me very uncomfortable.
You know, I don't think I've ever actually seen this line spelled out. Made me realize that Zapp Brannigan's line is even better: "If I told you that you had a beautiful body, would you take off your pants and dance around a little?"
That’s about as funny as a screen door on a battleship.
Let's make like a hockey game and get our puck on.
Can't go wrong with, "Shake it, madam. Capital knockers."
If that doesn't work you can always try Cousin Merle's coveralls.
Also, I have an alternate title for this thread: Untitled Goose Game.
Who needs gravity if I’m just gonna keep falling for you?
I’m a scientist, and you’re my one and only lab.
I feel like I’m always on a see-saw. When you’re not there, I’m down.
They say « happiness » starts with H but to me, it starts with U.
Write your phone number on a lime and hand it to her. It's a pickup lime
Alternate classic: if you're ever asked to buy limes, "Can we skip to the fun part? I'm bad at pick up limes."
Are you a Ukrainian drone? 'Cause you're setting my rushin' facilities on fire.
Love, I've got a job for a full stack developer like you.
Does your band need anyone? I'd like to bang on your drums all night and nearly every day.
Can we boldly go back to your place, so I can split your infinitives 'til you discover strange new worlds?
I'll just see myself out the door.
Giving a whole new meaning to frontend and backend.
"Hey girl are you Irish? Cause my penis is Dublin!"
(Sorry if that's a bit too crude)
“I’m no Fred Flintstone but I’m gonna make your bed rock”
Heard this from Harvey Birdman and it cracks me up every time
The word of the day is legs. Would you like to go back to (place) and help me spread the word?
I guess that doesn't really work in your situation... Here's a bonus already-married line to compensate:
that second one would make me very depressed thinking about all those cute baby animals dying =..=
How about.....
My personal favorite, and I don't think any pickup line can beat this one.
"Want to F--- and Order a Pizza?"
This reminds me of the last one I used that, instead of a groan and eye roll, got an exasperated "What is wrong with you?!?"
This is the only one that made me lol. Fantastic, and I hope my man never uses it on me because he'll get the laugh he's looking for.
I think the variant people were using when I was in high school was "Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?"
This caused great embarrassment for my oblivious history teacher when he complimented a (very attractive) female student's shoes.
The variant I know is, "Wanna head back to my place for a pizza and a shag?"
Target clutches pearls
"What, you don't like pizza? We can skip that!"
My favorites are:
"Do you have a class C license? For that dumptruck ass!"
"Hey girl, you shit with that ass?"
Probably got them from a similar reddit thread long ago, and have never actually used them of course. But they also never fail to bother my wife, who then makes me repeat them to her friends.
You're so beuitiful! I know that isn't how you spell it but I couldn't help but think of U and I together.
Saucy/suggestive but fairly tame lines I've heard over the years:
And the lewd ones:
Let's play war! I lie down and you blow me away.
I know the variation of this one that involves the f word at the end, and the suggestion is to play soldiers
I hate to see you go, but I love to watch you leave.