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Hello Tildestians. What are you working on to change in your life?
Change can be painful and slow. And frankly quite awkward and lonely too.
What are you working on to change and how can I help? How can we as an excellent community support each other here?
The thing I did as a freelancer by myself is now a proper business with employees. I'm having to learn how to trust people who aren't me to do a good enough job and how to handle it when things go wrong. Management is a skill, and it's definitely one I'm struggling with.
Way to go growing your work to hire others!
I can understand that it is a struggle. New grounds I presume?
I just read the book Turn The Ship Around! by L. David Marquet and I would very much recommend reading that.
I would also suggest reading Leaders Eat Last by Simon Sinek as it will show you how we are wired biologically. (The last one I can send you as an Audiobook if you'd like?)
What is it you struggle with more specifically?
I just realized that I linked the book covers just like I do on reddit, so that code holds true here too it seems. Good stuff!
Cool, thanks for the recommendations. I’ll check them out.
As far as what I’m struggling with: this came easy to me, and so I’m working on having a reasonable idea of what I actually can expect of people and when. I’m having a bit of Founder’s Syndrome, where I know better and can do it better than the people I’ve hired, but I’m realistic about not being able to do it all myself. I’m working on the balance between giving too little feedback and being a micromanager, but it’s definitely still a work in progress. At least for the moment having employees feels like more work than not, but given how burned out I was I know that having help is the right choice.
Absolutely. Let me know if you want the audiobook and I'll send it to you. I hope you find some clarity on How to build a team that you trust and that trust you.
You are so aware of the situation, that will certainly help you in the long run. Most people seem to get totally lost in the Founder's syndrome and micro manage everything and everyone to death. I am happy you are keeping an eye on that.
A way of thinking about it as I see it;
If you hired someone that you know better than, then you hired the wrong person.
Hire someone that is GOOD at what they do, tell them what you want to get done and get out of their way. That I think is the trick to get them to grow. Don't tell them how to get to the goal, just what the goal is.
If you hire someone that you want to micro manage it isn't much about them it is about you not wanting to let go of the control. But in reality you have control, you chose to hire them, so trusting them is really trusting yourself.
Of course, there must be certain things laid out like what kind of budget can they work with and so on and this is probably further down the line but might be worth thinking about as a thing to start doing.
I can imagine so, especially as you were a bit burned out when you started hiring and then hiring and becoming a boss are new things you probably didn't know how to do, which makes for even More work.
You are moving towards a better place so keep going! Let the hires be an investment in Time, because whet you place in them now will free you up in the long run.
This is great.
In smaller breaks from running for me I feel like coming back to it isn't as hard as the first time around because I KNOW my body could run that 10K. Just that mental barrier being gone seemed to speed the process up for me, do you find anything similar in your case?
Those one or two motivational half-marathons are a pretty serious thing in my book. What kind of distances have you been running before and strive for now?
What I Really want to know is how have you changed from getting back into the running and down in weight?
I'm trying to slowly transition to zero waste. Also just trying to be a conscious consumer in general, so I try to bring a minimal amount of items into my home. Especially knowing that the majority of our recycling is still ending up in oceans (and consumer recycling is just a drop anyways), just refusing to consume seems to make the most sense to me.
A few things I'm specifically working on:
How you and the community can help? I'm always looking for shared stories and new ideas or tips.
Here are some of the things I'm presently working on, and I take a similar anti-consumerist stance:
I can probably think of more. I'm quite impressed with how substantially these changes have affected how it 'feels' to witness careless consumption. I used to be able to take my reusable shopping bags and be oblivious to everyone else but now I get a lump in my throat when I see others hauling their groceries around in single use plastic bags...
All really good points! There was a time I baked/made as much as I could, and it saved me a lot of money, but...I got lazy, and my family got sick of my bread :P Looking to get back into that a bit more.
I would love to get some hens, but there's not legal where I currently am, maybe some day.
Started using bar soap, shampoo and such earlier this year and it's going well, so I hope to start trying the whole washing powder and such thing soon too.
Aw, I know exactly what you mean. Still, I try my best just to focus on me.
Indeed. It really has to do with the dreariness that is time management. And yes, without wider government/structural interventions, particularly on the producer side of things, our little humble practices are all that we can do (aside from trying to mobilise with communities for change). I have a flatmate who argues that what I am doing amounts to nothing - I just say I would rather be doing something as opposed to caring in a purely theoretical sense.
It's unfortunately pretty true, but I'm with you - I prefer "better than nothing" to "actually nothing".
Lost a lot of weight a few years ago, but I seem to have found it again. So I'm trying to cut back to 1500-2000 calories a day and start back with regular cycling. Luckily the weather is finally starting to get less horrible.
Good luck! You've done it once, so you can easily do it again.
I’m expecting my first child, a baby boy, to be born in the next couple of weeks. So these last months were me trying to prepare for such a change, to be there for my wife and to be a better person for my future son. This is a process that never ends, I think.
Congrats! It never ends and that's a very good thing :)
Certainly it is :)
Oh and hey and just one guy to another - it's always, always, 100% OK to walk away from a screaming, crying child for a couple minutes to regain composure. Much, MUCH better to walk away for a little while than to get frustrated. That's how babies get shaken!
People don't like to talk about that, but it's important for new parents to hear it.
Thanks! I will remember that... parenting sure is a very demanding task, and burn-out is to be expected. It shouldn't be something to be ashamed of.
Congratulations! I think it's awesome that you're preparing and acknowledging that it is a never ending process. A lot of people don't do that.
Thank you!
I recently had a conversation with my mother about not being a Christian. I know it broke her heart, but it was making it difficult to move forward with my girlfriend and proposing.
I didn’t want my mother and my grandparents to fear for me to burn in hell, so I lied for 15 years.
Now I have to figure out how to have a wedding with my girlfriend that isn’t in a church/non-Christian wedding.
There are some really nice town hall weddings and then a reception afterwards, maybe something outdoor?
Trying to step out of my own head. I have avoidant personality disorder, which basically means I hate myself enough to believe everyone else hates me too and I should avoid them at all costs. I've been trying to stop that and be myself more around people.
A friend pulled me into his d&d campaign and even though the first session I mostly just did what I always do around people (namely find a corner, cross my arms, and occasionally laugh or nod at something so people know I'm not a corpse), there points where I actually felt comfortable around them. Even if I didn't quite know how some things worked, they worked with me. It was nice.
Besides that, I'm just grinding away in what is potentially the worst field I could be in - journalism. Turns out the avoidant kid isn't good at talking to his co-workers and so he can't network. I'm learning I can talk to contacts and sources pretty easily though, so at least I can get lost in my work. Right now I'm trying to make sure I have something to go to when this internship ends in December.
Sounds like investigative reporting could be something for you? Some journo's are good at the people thing, others are good at digging through documents. Maybe look for people who could be a good mentor to you who do the kind of reporting you'd be comfortable with right now - or that you'd like to do right now - and send them an e-mail? Add in some of your work, your strengths, your desires, what you think of their work and what you'd like to learn from them. It may land you your next gig?
I'm by no means saying that you shouldn't try to be better at the people thing! Effort in that direction will pay off. You could even keep a diary of how you're doing. The strategies you use. How they work out. How others with the same affliction deal with it, etc. There may be a future stories in it, or even a book.
Hope this helps. If not, disregard. Good luck!
One book I can really reccommend is How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.
I'm already doing stuff like that. I keep a mental checklist of social strategies. I'm also getting better at making interviews into normal conversations. I still need that professional context to do well in a conversation, though.
And while it's a good idea to seek out a mentor - there's a reason I didn't do that after 4 years of school. I'm just not capable of it. It's humiliating enough to have an internship and be surrounded by people who want to help, to go out and seek that would probably be physically painful.
Jumped ship from journalism to IT due to the poor pay. And it turns out I also don't love talking to people all day... something I should have figured out before I got that degree I guess lol.
Yep, in the same spot over here. It has its moments, and looking at my charts apparently people like reading my stuff (average pageviews with high elapsed time and high social engagement). But I don't know if I can do this for longer than a few years before I mentally collapse.
How'd you manage to get into IT from journalism? Did you need to go back to school?
No, I didn't go to school for IT but always had an interest. I considered going to school for it, but it felt like less fun at the time. I started out as a tech support person in a call center and have worked my way up to software engineer after around 8 years (doubling my salary along the way). My starting salary as a call center rep was probably what my previous editor made SMH.
All the computer stuff is self-taught. I'm honestly not sure if a degree would have made a difference - we promote a LOT from within and I've been on teams where the average tenure was 20 years. So, I don't think that's very encouraging to hear...but if you want to jump ship, sooner may be better than later if you're going to follow that track.
Yeah, right? Why would anyone pay people to hold the powerful accountable and assist in building an informed society? The state of the industry is depressing to say the least.
I like to think that I know enough to try and get a job in tech, but at the same time I have no way of knowing for sure. I know basic programming principles and a bit of Java. I basically only used Ubuntu for a year and taught myself the terminal. Plus I know all the requisite 'how to use a computer' knowledge bestowed upon millennials at birth. But I don't know if that's enough to try and take the plunge.
Which is more than when I started. I'd suggest looking around to see what's available if you haven't already. LinkedIn and Glassdoor can be good places to go to get a feel for what's available and what working for different companies might be like.
Really? I always figured you needed to build a million dollar app in your basement or something before you could be considered a legitimate IT guy.
For sure, no. I've always liked computers and started working when I was 14 assembling desktops for a local company so I wasn't totally ignorant. But that was my only prior experience before starting. Most of the time for entry-level positions it's about willingness to learn and "fit," which is just another way of saying "can i stand to be around this person all the time?"
Started reading a lot again, at least a book a month and often two or three.
I used to read a ton, but fell to three to four books a year in college (that weren't for classes), and for a long time I was just not motivated enough to make regular time for it.
It's extremely worth it.
Kudos for getting back into reading. I've had a similar experience where schools limited the amount of books that I could read for fun. Now that I'm working, my evenings and weekends allow me to read about a book a week (via audiobook).
Honestly? Being able to do something, anything other than my ordinary day. It's been a while since the last time I've been able to achieve a positive, useful and complete day of studying. Or anything in particular. I'm midway into med school, but I'm not really sure if that's suited for me.
I'd also like to watch myself into the mirror without thinking how much a failure I feel like I am.
Motivation is at an all time low, but somehow I managed to survive till today. I think I've been depressed for a while. To be honest I don't really know if being completely apathetic every day in the last two years means I'm depressed.
Because of my issues with med school, I basically disappeared for a year and a half with basically no social interaction (if you don't count talking to roommates and the ordinary small talk with my barber, or with the workes at the supermarket I buy food in, or with the neighbours) and none of my friends even tried to contact me to see if I was still alive. I'm starting to feel like I'll be alone forever, and I try not to think about it because it kills my already not-so-good morale.
But hey, at least I've lost 5kg (11lbs) in a month, so now I weight 86kg (189lbs), and being tall 1.85m (6.06ft) it's not that bad!
It's a strange feeling to have the realization that you may have been depressed for a few years dawn on you, isn't it? You think you know yourself and what to expect out of life, and then you realize you may be wrong, and you don't know if that's bad or good. That's kinda how it is for me, at least.
Med school sounds awesome though. I used to work at the front desk for my college's dorms over the summer, when a lot of people would take rooms for residencies, and I've found there are only two kinds of med students. There are the obnoxiously jubiliant ones who never don't have a smile on their face and are constantly surrounded by a gaggle of other med students with similar expressions. I always thought that they're lying to themselves or just want to seem happy, and are putting way too much effort into it. Then there are the ones you never see once you check them in. I liked them, they would laugh about their studies when you asked them about it. Don't know if they were depressed though, and figuring it out yourself is not easy.
At least it's another journey to go on. Another opportunity to discover something new. Woo.
I'm becoming a linguist. I'm a literature BA, and am converting to linguistics for my main research area for the rest of my career (I want to do research). I already had some knowledge of the field as I sporadically read up on various aspects of it because I'm always fascinated by languages, but these days I'm working on acquiring a working knowledge of the fundamentals of the field and the knowledge required for my area of interest (namely language contact and language variation, possibly also sociolinguistics). I've followed a course by Coursea, now I'm using the Virtual Linguistics Campus on YouTube, which is very nice. I've been doing these video lessons since two weeks ago as a crash course, and have started some readings recently. I have a list of books and papers I plan to read in the coming couple of months. At the end of that, all that I lack will be practice in fieldwork and phonological ear training, but I believe I can sort that our during the first year of my MA study taking lessons from the respective BA course. It's not painful and slow so far, but tiring and fascinating! I hope I can make it for the spring semester, but I feel like I'll nail it for the upcoming fall no matter what should I fail spring. Hopefully that's not whishful thinking...
Another change that I'm working towards is fixing my sleep. I am a night owl, usually don't sleep before ~4am. This is how it's been since the end of the high school, more than six years by now. I'm trying to fix it to sleeping from 2am-9am for now, though in the coming weeks I'll also try getting a job too, so that might become earlier. But I want to get some intensive studying done beforehand, while I have the time and the chance to do so.
Same here. Been that way for me since my age was in the single digits. From what I've read:
Sleep well :)
Thanks! I believe my problems with sleep are mostly related to very bad time management habits. Nowadays I'm trying to deal with that. I am most productive between 6pm--1am, and I need to pull that back into morning. A couple weeks ago I did a no-computer week, and my sleep was automatically improved, mostly 1am-8/9am, which is quite good given I'm not working ATM. I also moved my agenda from org-mode to a bullet-journal inspired agenda/journal thing. It definitely helps because I don't have to go to the computer to do everything. But, these days because I read stuff on the computer and take notes in Emacs, I end up with too much screen time, and later sleep. I'd finish my printer's black cartridge each week if I printed all I read, but I don't really like reading on the computer either. And the "intensive study" I talk about in my original comment does not help either. Maybe I should plan my weekly readings ahead and get printouts every monday... If I get these sorted and still have sleep problems, I think I'll see a sleep therapist. The lamp seems to be an interesting idea indeed. The curious thing is, I asked my mom and she says that before the end of the high school I used to go to bed by 9:30pm. Whereas I don't actually recall going to bed before 11pm consistently for more than a couple days. Maybe that happened because I was a depressive adolescent.
Hope you're doing well with your sleep too!
Look into delayed phase sleep disorder. I'm able to adjust my schedule, but it takes a certain amount of discipline and lack of sleep for a while. When I don't need to have a daytime existence though, I immediately switch back to opposite land without even trying.
Yeah, this has been my experience too. I've seen DPSD but never really read about it. Will do, thanks!
Any thoughts on Richard Dawkin's memetics?
Haven't heard of it before. I'll give it a read later (the wiki page), but glancing it seems to me that it's generally rejected by scholars as pseudoscience.
Oh sure, it's a theory that's fallen out of favor but is still terribly interesting IMO and led to the term "meme" as used in the public lexicon (although what most folks call memes are actually image macros...). Dawkins himself is a well-known and respected evolutionary biologist.
The past year has been a roller coaster, so right now I'm working on keeping myself ahead of it. Unexpectedly lost my job three days before I had some surgery scheduled and two months after I bought a house, so I've been fighting that a bit. It was also a huge wake up call, and I started getting shit together.
Are you some sort of psychologist or counsellor or Human Resources professional or financial advisor? What help are you able to provide?
Neither of these. I am just a guy that might be able to help you see something in a new way.
The problem I find is that my own blind spots are the major blocks for me. So an honest talk and just getting the community to shoot ideas can open up a lot of mental doors.
To get new ideas in means that you can produce new ideas out so that is really the goal here.
Quoting from the topic text,
this should be enough of an answer to that question. I posted a question here, some weeks ago, on how to transition from literature study to linguistics, because that's what I'm doing ATM for my imminent MA. It didn't get any answers, but it got 6-7 upvotes. This in itself means something: at least, there are 6-7 people out there that do not think that's a stupid thing to do. Not a big, very significant help, but it is help nevertheless.
Also, a title means "credibility", but the lack thereof does not mean complete unqualification.
@thetebe specifically offered their own help, not just general community support. It seemed to me as if they were implying that they could provide something more than just random advice on the internet, but I was mistaken in that.
I have been thinking about this comment and I want to thank you for it. It was such a good question and one that I will continue to ask myself going forward.
I'm trying to quit smoking, I'm ditching Windows and I'm eating healthier.
As somebody who has tried to do all 3 of those things, I found ditching Windows the hardest.. Which is crazy.
Quitting smoking was tough, but manageable if you have a decent support structure and eating healthier, while more expensive, starts to just taste better after a few days and I even felt better...
But Windows? I tried a bunch of different OS and I just kept getting frustrated about the missing features and weird learning curve. It was like the Windows 8 change all over again except I did it to myself...
Good luck! Stay positive and remember that you are worth making these changes for and so are the people that care about you. :)
Trying to lose weight (I've done it before, but it's difficult), stay happy, do deep work, work out what my focus is, set up a new home studio. A tonne of stuff really! I wish I could utilise my time better and focus more.
I'd be interested to learn more about your location-independent business if you're up for it. I've started a semi-passive income stream and am constantly looking for people to compare notes with.
Awesome. Sent you a PM. I'm into something unrelated :)
I just recently came to the realization that I am most likely an alcoholic.. Which is a huge bummer for me. And it terrifies me.
I have used alcohol for the past few years as a coping mechanism for my anxiety and to not be completely bored out of my mind. My life is incredibly boring but I don't know how to change it without breaking up with my girlfriend who loves me better than I've ever been loved. So I have a couple of drinks when I get home to be able to enjoy being in bed every day (we're long distance so skype is the only way we see each other...) otherwise I go completely crazy.
For the longest time I really thought I was fine. When I'm out and about I don't crave alcohol and when I've been broke I didn't get sick from not drinking for a week. But I've started looking at my finances and I'm spending a LOT on alcohol... I'm usually having 2-3 mixed drinks and 5 beers in a night.. Every night. I don't get hangovers so I guess I've never seen it as a problem.
Anyway, I'm starting to worry about my physical and financial health. I know I have to stop drinking but I'm terrified of what that's going to do to my psyche.. I'm afraid of ruining the life I built by being unable to handle the monotony of having a calm and boring existence. The doctors I've seen don't want to prescribe anything, they think I should change my circumstances to improve my life. But then I'll lose the only person who has ever loved me for who I am.
I know that I have to face it and that who I am when drinking isn't who I really am... I understand that may actually make me and my partner incompatible and it's just scary. I guess I don't need advice so much, I just needed to vent. Things are going to be rough for a while and I'm dreading it.
Why do you think your relationship and drinking are so tightly bound?
You seem to infer that you need to drink in order to spend time with her over Skype everyday. If she loves you as much as you describe don't you think she would understand if you need to spend less time in bed talking and more time working on finding the things that make your life less boring -- and therefore -- less prone to drinking?
She would but the issue is that she needs to be asleep really early. It's about 7 pm in my time zone. The difficult thing is that we try to sleep together on skype. It's hard to explain but it's almost like we're together in person. I'm going to try going to bed early and waking up early instead, that way I have my time to do things. Even if it is 5 am. It's better than nothing lol
I got The High Cholesterol Lecture from my doctor at my most recent annual physical, so I'm making a more serious effort to lose weight. Eating healthier, starting lifting weights, though not super seriously, just some 25lb dumbbells while I watch TV. Already down ~3-4kg, using an Android app called Libra that was recommended by /r/loseit for tracking my progress. I really like it, it calculates the trendline so day-to-day fluctuations in my weight are easier to ignore. It lets you enter a goal weight and calculates the expected date you'll hit that weight, which is a great motivation for me to keep at it.
That is great! Nice going! What is the reason in the long run to be more healthy?
Recently got myself on a traineeship course with the local collage. Starts next week and will run until a bit before christmas. Only 3 days a week, but after a few weeks 2 of those days will be work placements.
Not really sure what to expect of it, but getting back into education is surely a good thing - especially with work placements to pad out my CV since that's retardedly sparse so far.
Here is what you do; during those 2 days a week when you our placed at a job, you figure out what brings value to the people there and you pour it on. You will work hard and clever and you will make no excuses.
That is the kind of thing people see, so go add value and you become valuable. People care little for the CV's if they see how you work if you do that.
The two big things I am working to change:
(unsuccessful) Losing weight. I was very overweight as a teen and in my early 20s (in excess of 300 lbs at 6' 3"), lost over 100 lbs, and then suffered a serious injury that led to a less active lifestyle. I'm 40 now and my weight has gradually crept up to about 255 lbs. I'd like to find a way to turn this around.
(successful) Changing my financial habits and setting an investment target of $100,000/year.
I'm considering going to college for creative writing. I did a bit less than two years of community college after high school, but dropped out before getting an AA. I have always thought University would be a waste of money if I didn't know what kind of job I wanted to get with the degree. I have a lot of self worth issues and was medicating them with opiates and alcohol between ages 19-28. Six years ago, I replaced my heroin use with crippling alcoholism. After I had an alcohol withdrawal related seizure three years ago, I quit drinking. I've been writing stand up comedy and short comedy videos for quite a while now, and really want to learn story structure and discipline and whatever else creative writing teachers know. I'm terrified by the FAFSA/scholarship/grant process and have no money but I really want to learn how to write more betterer.
The real change would be following through with this, not becoming discouraged, and getting over my "You Don't Deserve Shit" mantra. If you're someone who's been through this kind of thing, please reach out. I already feel like I'm being crushed.
Losing weight, my wife does intermittent fasting and it is working for her, so I started doing that. So far I am 20 lbs down and 50 more to go! It is easier trying to be under my calorie goal when I only have 2 meals a day vs 3. Usually my lunch is small/low calorie, so for dinner I can enjoy myself. It has also helped me with better dealing with hunger. Ultimately, I think it was a good decision as it helped me make a gradual change to my life and I am slowly getting healthier.
I think Tildestians is my favourite collective noun for the site users.
Personally I enjoy 'Tilderados', but Tildestians is a far better alternative to 'tildoes'.
Anything is better than that!
Nothing is better than that!
Tilderinos for life
“Tildestinos” jumped into my mind after reading that, and then this Manu Chao song got stuck in my head.
Meta Edit: that song “Clandestinos” is about illegal immigrants and we are all coming from somewhere to Tildes, and most of us are using pseudonyms..
I did think of clandestine when I read Tildestians.
Hah that makes me oddly proud.
Why not Tildes? Tildes.net can be a gathering place for Tildes, people who enjoy insightful conversation. I'm a Tilde, you're a Tilde, we're all Tildes! Simpler is better, no?
Then again, "Tildestians" does have a certain ring to it.
I don't advocate for any collective noun. I think they're unnecessary in most cases.
Who would actually be excused when reading a title like "Tilde users, what is your favourite collective noun to describe us?" Everyone who reads uses Tildes.
I still like Tilders best