17 votes

How can I tell a woman that I'd rather wait to get to know them before having sex?

This is, without a doubt, a very contemporary problem. Maybe a decade ago women were more repressed and this situation simply did not present itself.

Men are trained by society to always look for the "endgame", which is to achieve sexual intercourse as quick as possible. I was no exception. But, with experience, came the realization that quality comes before quantity, and sex is much better with intimacy and affection.

Nowadays, I'd rather wait for multiple dates before having sex with a woman. That's an odd position to be in, especially in a sexist culture that prescribes a predatorial attitude for men. I am expected to take the initiative at all times, to be always looking for an opening.

It doesn't help that I have a hard containing myself. Not to humblebrag, but getting women aroused is not something I find particularly hard. Sometimes it happens inadvertently.

I understand that I'm supposed to have a conversation about it, but this comes with its own difficulties. How can I do this without implying that...

  • her desires are wrong/despicable?
  • I do not desire her?
  • I have a lack of libido or some kind of performance issue?

12 comments

  1. [4]
    Algernon_Asimov
    Link
    Just be direct. Tell the lady in question that you want to take it slow because you prefer to get to know someone before having sex. You don't need some special trick to say this.

    Just be direct. Tell the lady in question that you want to take it slow because you prefer to get to know someone before having sex. You don't need some special trick to say this.

    34 votes
    1. arp242
      Link Parent
      Yeah, this. In fact, "just say it" is the answer to almost all "how can I tell someone that [..]"-questions I've seen. I appreciate that you're nervous OP, and that it can be tad scary, but...

      Yeah, this. In fact, "just say it" is the answer to almost all "how can I tell someone that [..]"-questions I've seen. I appreciate that you're nervous OP, and that it can be tad scary, but there's really no way around that I'm afraid.

      I also don't think his take on this is that uncommon btw, for both men and women, especially if they're looking for something serious.

      16 votes
    2. [2]
      not_a_doctor
      Link Parent
      I get that, but sometimes women get deeply insecure, sometimes they try to make me feel insecure, sometimes they think I'm less of a man...

      I get that, but sometimes women get deeply insecure, sometimes they try to make me feel insecure, sometimes they think I'm less of a man...

      1 vote
      1. Ellimist
        Link Parent
        That’s a reflection of their insecurities, not you. If they can’t respect that your desire to wait has nothing to do with them and simply your wish to get to know them first, then they are...

        That’s a reflection of their insecurities, not you.

        If they can’t respect that your desire to wait has nothing to do with them and simply your wish to get to know them first, then they are obviously not compatible with you.

        There is nothing wrong with being upfront and wanting sex. There is also nothing wrong with wanting to take it slow and get to know someone first

        14 votes
  2. [5]
    teaearlgraycold
    Link
    This seems more than reasonable to me. Can you say why you feel this way? I think rather than stating the end result of your feelings if you instead explaining your rationale you will do better....

    I'd rather wait for multiple dates before having sex with a woman.

    This seems more than reasonable to me. Can you say why you feel this way? I think rather than stating the end result of your feelings if you instead explaining your rationale you will do better.

    Until last year I thought I was asexual. Due to a very persistent friend/co-worker that I become close with last year I realized I'm actually demisexual. That means I don't feel sexual attraction to someone until I've formed an emotional connection with them. For me that took many months of semi-regular interaction to achieve.

    In the end I botched it, but at least I have a much better understanding of myself and can hopefully explain to someone in the future how I feel and why.

    We may have different reasons for our approaches, but if in explaining to future prospective interests how I work they lose respect for me or can't understand me then that simply seems like a fundamental incompatibility. I'll have to move on and hope someone else fits me better.

    10 votes
    1. [4]
      not_a_doctor
      Link Parent
      The main issue I face is not my acceptance of the fact that I too am a demisexual, but that on multiple occasions I am expected to function in an entirely different way.

      The main issue I face is not my acceptance of the fact that I too am a demisexual, but that on multiple occasions I am expected to function in an entirely different way.

      1 vote
      1. [2]
        tlalexander
        Link Parent
        I used to think I needed to be able to perform on first dates. Lots of women are happy to fuck on the first date. But I had a difficult time maintaining an erection on first date hookups. I was so...

        I used to think I needed to be able to perform on first dates. Lots of women are happy to fuck on the first date. But I had a difficult time maintaining an erection on first date hookups. I was so embarrassed. Over years I noticed this never happened with established partners. Just hookups. Well I finally realized I just don’t like hookups. I need emotional connection to perform sexually. And I have a feeling that’s really fucking normal. In my culture (USA) men are kind of portrayed as sex hungry creatures ready to go at any moment. But that’s just what media people want to portray for one reason or another. It’s not based on any statistical analysis of actual men. And I think it’s just not a fact based portrayal of actual male sexuality. And then we’re ashamed when we don’t live up to the stereotypes so we hide the truth, which lets the stereotypes continue.

        I think to break that cycle we have to be honest with our partners and not be ashamed for how we function. “Oooh wow you’re so sexy. I’d love to make out with you and press our bodies together. I want to get used to feeling you next to me. I’m not up for sex until we’ve had a few dates but I really want to get close to you now. It really turns me on to be straddled on the couch while we make out. May I touch your neck? How does that feel? Do you like biting?”

        Waiting to have sex can still be sexy. But I think you’ve internalized some shame about it. If you can overcome that and be confident in your decision, and learn to keep first date play sexy without having sex, you can have a great time and get to those second and third dates where sex might work for you.

        4 votes
        1. not_a_doctor
          Link Parent
          This also happened to me multiple times. This is gold! I'll write that on a piece of paper! Yes, I did. Thank you for the advice.

          I had a difficult time maintaining an erection on first date hookups. I was so embarrassed

          This also happened to me multiple times.

          “Oooh wow you’re so sexy. I’d love to make out with you and press our bodies together...

          This is gold! I'll write that on a piece of paper!

          But I think you’ve internalized some shame about it

          Yes, I did.

          Thank you for the advice.

          4 votes
      2. teaearlgraycold
        Link Parent
        What happens when you try to explain how you feel?

        What happens when you try to explain how you feel?

        1 vote
  3. [2]
    tlalexander
    Link
    I’ve been doing this lately. I date and I basically make no effort to advance sexually. I went on four dates with someone recently before kissing her. And actually in every case she made the...

    I’ve been doing this lately. I date and I basically make no effort to advance sexually. I went on four dates with someone recently before kissing her. And actually in every case she made the moves. On our first date she asked to cuddle. On the fourth date she asked if I wanted to make out. I said absolutely! After making out we talked about sexual interests, and had some lovely play on subsequent dates.

    I’m wondering... have you actually been on dates where you told someone you like to get to know someone before having sex and then problems ensued? I feel like lots of women would feel more comfortable if they didn’t think you were just trying to get in their pants. So many men are seeking sex over genuine connection that I would think your attitude would be refreshing for them.

    But have you had actual problems or are you projecting your fears on to potential partners by assuming they want you to fuck them? Maybe they’re happy to wait too.

    I think your preference to wait will serve you well. It has definitely worked for me. But it won’t be for everyone. Just like anything in dating, just say it clearly. Say “I want to get to know someone through a few dates before I have sex.” Say that on your profile, and then say it again in the communication before arranging a first date. And then you will never have a date with a person who isn’t okay with that. Just like if you were a huge sports fan you wouldn’t want to date someone who hates sports. And if you want to wait to have sex you wouldn’t want to date someone who is only looking for sex or expects you to robotically perform sex. That’s not you. Don’t date those people. I think you’ll find those people are a minority. Save your dates for the ones who are okay with who you are. Be upfront and clear and honest and you will absolutely find plenty of people who like you just the way you are.

    6 votes
    1. not_a_doctor
      Link Parent
      Both, I guess? I'm talking about multiple partners, so lots of variation. That's good advice you're giving, I appreciate that.

      But have you had actual problems or are you projecting your fears on to potential partners by assuming they want you to fuck them?

      Both, I guess? I'm talking about multiple partners, so lots of variation.

      That's good advice you're giving, I appreciate that.

  4. Anwyl
    Link
    Most women I know are pretty sexual, and are aware of it. Saying you're not into sex this early in a relationship would be completely understandable. If they've been in other relationships it's...

    Most women I know are pretty sexual, and are aware of it. Saying you're not into sex this early in a relationship would be completely understandable. If they've been in other relationships it's likely it's something they've encountered before. If they take it as a slight that you're not looking for sex that early, I'd probably take it as a red flag. If they don't take "no" for an answer, or try to pressure you, that's not a relationship you want to be in.

    3 votes