24 votes

Hi, How Are You? - Mental Health Support & Discussion Thread (October/November 2020)

Bringing this back for those who need it. Vent, share your experiences, ask for advice, talk about how you are doing. Let's make this a compassionate space for all who may need one.

57 comments

  1. [11]
    Adys
    Link
    I'm getting frustrated at Belgium's handling of COVID. The utter refusal to even talk about how schools factor into the second wave and instead banning alcohol sales and imposing a curfew as if...

    I'm getting frustrated at Belgium's handling of COVID. The utter refusal to even talk about how schools factor into the second wave and instead banning alcohol sales and imposing a curfew as if that's going to truly help.

    I can feel my sleep deteriorating quite a bit and I think it's a lot to do with that.

    I'm getting .. kind of emotionally overwhelmed. I mentioned this here. I'm falling in love with a close friend who is giving me very mixed signals. I'm trying to be careful here but I also really like our compatibility, and I've known her for over a year so I'm not pulling this out of thin air either.

    I feel like my emotional baseline is getting very erratic. Lots of highs, and I'd generally say I'm doing well, but my sleep betrays me. It's the second time this happens in recent months, too; I had a crush on a fellow skater a couple months back (which ended when, frankly, I pushed her to give me an actual "no" instead of stringing me along), and I felt pretty similar to now.

    After breaking up back in March I haven't really prioritized getting back into a relationship partly because I kept an open relationship with my ex, but more generally I didn't feel the need to. But I think I'm now at the point where I miss having a constant in my life I can share myself with, and who can share themselves with me.

    So the answer to how I'm doing is: I don't really fucking know. But I feel like sharing this helps, so thank you for bringing this thread back 🙂

    14 votes
    1. [7]
      mrbig
      Link Parent
      Feel free not to answer, but what “mixed signals” means here?

      Feel free not to answer, but what “mixed signals” means here?

      7 votes
      1. [6]
        Adys
        Link Parent
        I asked her out before and she told me very clearly she wasn't interested. But then we went on what would have been a date (as friends) and she called it a lovely date. We've been getting together...

        I asked her out before and she told me very clearly she wasn't interested. But then we went on what would have been a date (as friends) and she called it a lovely date. We've been getting together several times a week since and yesterday she invited me to stay with her for several weeks at an Airbnb in Germany, so we can keep going out together.

        I asked her again today about her feelings on dating and her answer was a lot less clear than the first time, and she just said she has had very bad experiences in the past. It seems to be a touchy subject for her so I'm trying not to press the issue.

        7 votes
        1. [5]
          mrbig
          (edited )
          Link Parent
          I see. I’m usually a proponent of total clarity on these matters but in this particular case you seem to be doing everything right. You made your intentions clear, maybe you’ll get what you want...

          I see. I’m usually a proponent of total clarity on these matters but in this particular case you seem to be doing everything right. You made your intentions clear, maybe you’ll get what you want by threading the needle. IDK. Just prepare yourself mentally for the other possibility. And don’t do it for too long. Undecided partners usually remain undecided on some level, and that can be a problem later on. Good luck!

          6 votes
          1. [4]
            Adys
            Link Parent
            Thank you, I am trying to do this right and it's pretty difficult. I've been burned before so I'm trying to be very careful with my feelings, but I didn't want to close myself off to the...

            Thank you, I am trying to do this right and it's pretty difficult. I've been burned before so I'm trying to be very careful with my feelings, but I didn't want to close myself off to the possibility completely because of (my perception of) our high compatibility. And now I'm worried my feelings will take over too much.

            I felt a lot more controlled about this until this bombshell of a "come live with me for a month".

            5 votes
            1. [3]
              mrbig
              Link Parent
              No matter how we spin it, love is a great risk. You may very well get burned again, but nothing worthwhile is guaranteed. Just accept the danger, my friend. That means you’re alive.

              No matter how we spin it, love is a great risk. You may very well get burned again, but nothing worthwhile is guaranteed. Just accept the danger, my friend. That means you’re alive.

              4 votes
              1. [2]
                Adys
                Link Parent
                You're right, I should be less "meta-worried": biting my fingers at the possibility I may get hurt. It does feel good when I let go a bit. She was in my dream two nights ago, we kissed; but then I...

                You're right, I should be less "meta-worried": biting my fingers at the possibility I may get hurt.

                It does feel good when I let go a bit. She was in my dream two nights ago, we kissed; but then I woke up and was really sad. I've been looking at her a bit differently since. Maybe she picked up on that, who knows.

                But I rreeeaallly don't want to get ahead of myself here. I try to remind myself that she gave me a very clear "no" only a few weeks ago.

                2 votes
                1. mrbig
                  Link Parent
                  It seems to me that feeling unsure is the correct response to that situation. Like my therapist once told me: “only the deranged are sure of themselves”.

                  It seems to me that feeling unsure is the correct response to that situation. Like my therapist once told me: “only the deranged are sure of themselves”.

                  3 votes
    2. Grzmot
      Link Parent
      Holy shit, are you me? The relationship I was in for 4,5 years ended a few months back and we remained close and on good terms, even moved it to friends with benefits level, and now she's found...

      After breaking up back in March I haven't really prioritized getting back into a relationship partly because I kept an open relationship with my ex, but more generally I didn't feel the need to. But I think I'm now at the point where I miss having a constant in my life I can share myself with, and who can share themselves with me.

      Holy shit, are you me? The relationship I was in for 4,5 years ended a few months back and we remained close and on good terms, even moved it to friends with benefits level, and now she's found someone else, and I can't fucking tell what's going on. I feel really weird. I thought I went through my personal 2020 hell at the beginning of this year, but I guess it's time for my personal 2020 hell 2: electric boogaloo.

      The only chick that I think is interested lives a couple hundred kilometers away from me. We've been messaging back and forth non-regularily. She's cute and nice, but the distance doesn't help, and I meeting new people right now is difficult lol.

      Kill me.

      2 votes
    3. [2]
      Adys
      Link Parent
      Update: Trip booked, we're going to germany for two weeks, leaving Monday. I think it's supposed to be a "just friends" thing, but I can't imagine she doesn't realize the implication of this...

      Update: Trip booked, we're going to germany for two weeks, leaving Monday.

      I think it's supposed to be a "just friends" thing, but I can't imagine she doesn't realize the implication of this invitation after I've not only asked her out, but also subsequently (as early as two days ago) told her I was still genuinely interested in more. Maybe it's a test.

      Either way, it's a good opportunity for a work-holiday. Rinks are closing Friday here in Belgium so I'll actually have somewhere to skate once I'm there…

      The 10pm curfew here is fucking ridiculous. As she was getting back home she told me that, stepping off the bus around 21:55, everybody getting off the bus was running to get home in time.

      2 votes
      1. Adys
        (edited )
        Link Parent
        Update #2: Germany has just announced new COVID measures, starting Monday. It's unclear whether ice rinks will stay open, I might know by tomorrow. I don't know if she still wants to go with those...

        Update #2: Germany has just announced new COVID measures, starting Monday. It's unclear whether ice rinks will stay open, I might know by tomorrow. I don't know if she still wants to go with those new measures in place either way…

        And France is going into full lockdown until December, so I probably won't even be able to pick up my new skate boots when they arrive.

        There was a glimmer of hope that we would escape a second lockdown but it looks like reality is catching up to every country.

        Edit: Update #3: Trip cancelled, and not for anything related to the lockdowns or covid, but other health reasons. I won't go into details since it's her private life. Suffice to say, all my love and care is with her.

        Man, I really like her.

        2 votes
  2. [11]
    mrbig
    (edited )
    Link
    Sometimes I think I’m going crazy. My thoughts are scattered and it is hard to assess my feelings. I sleep mostly during the day. I have something that I could only call “electric shocks that feel...

    Sometimes I think I’m going crazy. My thoughts are scattered and it is hard to assess my feelings. I sleep mostly during the day. I have something that I could only call “electric shocks that feel like death” (they don’t hurt physically, that’s just a metaphor). Highly subjective and hard to explain to people without mental illness. I have ADHD and bipolar disorder.

    Medication helps a lot, but there’s no silver bullet. They help me manage, that’s all. The frustration of 20 years of continuous failures is sometimes too much to bear. It’s hard to keep a job or achieve long term goals when my sense of self is continuously sabotaged by manic episodes — I have trouble understanding who I actually am and what I really want. Is this love, or is it mania? Is this a proper goal, or another delusion?”.

    My behavior is also perceived as erratic, eccentric and sometimes just plain rude. Understanding and following implicit social expectations is a struggle.

    Sometimes I think I’m gonna die without knowing the answer, having accomplished nothing.

    11 votes
    1. [6]
      vord
      Link Parent
      I feel you. Time is a blur and has no meaning and outside of parenting I feel kind of dead inside. Scattered thoughts were a consistent early sign for me to hit hypo/mania...it might be worth...

      I feel you. Time is a blur and has no meaning and outside of parenting I feel kind of dead inside.

      Scattered thoughts were a consistent early sign for me to hit hypo/mania...it might be worth investigating having your meds adjusted.

      Best wishes.

      5 votes
      1. [5]
        mrbig
        (edited )
        Link Parent
        Thanks. I’m already taking pretty much max dosage of a bunch of meds. There’s not much my doctor can do, TBH. Maybe some physical activity will help. I always thought that being manic with...

        Thanks. I’m already taking pretty much max dosage of a bunch of meds. There’s not much my doctor can do, TBH.

        Maybe some physical activity will help.

        I always thought that being manic with children would be a nightmare, both for me and the children. That’s one of the reasons I don’t wanna be a father. I’m glad that’s not the case for you.

        4 votes
        1. [4]
          vord
          Link Parent
          Mania is a worry, yes. Have a contingency plan in place. But thankfully have never gone violent during mania, just yelling and incoherency. Well, except resisting that first sedation shot in the...

          Mania is a worry, yes. Have a contingency plan in place. But thankfully have never gone violent during mania, just yelling and incoherency. Well, except resisting that first sedation shot in the hospital.

          Thankfully I have a fairly slow ramp up with several tells.

          Getting sunshine and fresh air is really nice.... doing some hiking feels good. I highly recommend it.

          2 votes
          1. [3]
            mrbig
            (edited )
            Link Parent
            Oh I wasn’t thinking about becoming violent, that’s actually pretty rare as far as mental illnesses go. It’s just hard to focus on the emotional well being of an infant when you have so many...

            Oh I wasn’t thinking about becoming violent, that’s actually pretty rare as far as mental illnesses go. It’s just hard to focus on the emotional well being of an infant when you have so many demons to deal with already. At least that’s what I anticipate.

            4 votes
            1. [2]
              vord
              Link Parent
              Lack of sleep early on hurt, yea.... and I did have a hypo episode in that toddler area, but that was a byproduct of missing doses. But after re-stabilizing, things have largely been doing well....

              Lack of sleep early on hurt, yea.... and I did have a hypo episode in that toddler area, but that was a byproduct of missing doses.

              But after re-stabilizing, things have largely been doing well. Also helps that my wife is a yin to my yang wrt inner and outer demons.

              If you're in a position to consider it, parenthood is awesome...but until year 2 the adjustment hurts, esp if your external support network is... unreliable.

              I had good luck by identifing the toxic elements in my life and removing myself as much as possible from them. It evens out the lows.

              COVID lockdown is hurting us all... Doc says I'm currently at 'normative levels of depression, anxiety, and cabin fever.'

              1 vote
              1. mrbig
                (edited )
                Link Parent
                I have yet to find a partner that don’t want to have babies. So yeah, I had opportunities! But I don’t really want children. That’s definitely a point of contention.

                I have yet to find a partner that don’t want to have babies. So yeah, I had opportunities! But I don’t really want children. That’s definitely a point of contention.

                3 votes
    2. [2]
      teaearlgraycold
      Link Parent
      Not sure if you’re interested in any input here, but this sounds like a good description of how I feel when I experience a panic attack.

      I have something that I could only call “electric shocks that feel like death”

      Not sure if you’re interested in any input here, but this sounds like a good description of how I feel when I experience a panic attack.

      3 votes
      1. mrbig
        (edited )
        Link Parent
        Sure I love input. But I know what panic attacks look like and I’m certain I don’t have those. What I feel is more like brain chemistry acting up, something extremely subjective. As if dread was a...

        Sure I love input. But I know what panic attacks look like and I’m certain I don’t have those.

        What I feel is more like brain chemistry acting up, something extremely subjective. As if dread was a physical thing, like a gush of cold wind that hits my mind instead of my skin.

        3 votes
    3. [2]
      NoblePath
      Link Parent
      Have you explored ketamine? It’s not exactly indicated for bipolar, but seems to be achieving great results woth depression and ptsd. Definitely contraindicated during the high phase of bipolar,...

      Have you explored ketamine? It’s not exactly indicated for bipolar, but seems to be achieving great results woth depression and ptsd.

      Definitely contraindicated during the high phase of bipolar, but apparently effective in the low phase.

      I have complex and childhood trauma and it seems to be helping.

      2 votes
      1. mrbig
        Link Parent
        Thanks. I am aware of it. I don’t think ketamine treatment is available in my region. I wouldn’t do it without medical supervision, especially being bipolar. It’s very easy to put me in a manic state.

        Thanks. I am aware of it. I don’t think ketamine treatment is available in my region. I wouldn’t do it without medical supervision, especially being bipolar. It’s very easy to put me in a manic state.

        3 votes
  3. [5]
    vord
    (edited )
    Link
    Talked with my psych recently. He's on his third major spike in crisis cases in his career. For reference the other two were Trump's election and 9-11. If I wasn't a parent lockdown wouldn't be...

    Talked with my psych recently. He's on his third major spike in crisis cases in his career. For reference the other two were Trump's election and 9-11.

    If I wasn't a parent lockdown wouldn't be too bad. Having a young kid is hell. We've recently decided to bubble with another low-risk family so that our kids could play without masks together. Our kids now ask to see each other daily and cry sometimes when they can't.

    Been in and out of pre-hypomania for some time now. It's a mixed bag, but if I keep my head out of the office work it's manageable.

    My wife and I are both atheists and don't believe in spellcasting...but word in our social circles is that Halloween this year is a perfect nexus for high-quality casting. We'll be doing some sort of cleansing/well-wishing thing. Figure anything is worth a shot for a better 2021.

    10 votes
    1. [4]
      Omnicrola
      Link Parent
      Also an atheist, but I enjoy a good escapist fantasy, what's the supposed deal with this particular Halloween?

      My wife and I are both atheists and don't believe in spellcasting...but word in our social circles is that Halloween this year is a perfect nexus for high-quality casting

      Also an atheist, but I enjoy a good escapist fantasy, what's the supposed deal with this particular Halloween?

      2 votes
      1. [2]
        mrbig
        Link Parent
        I’d just like to point out that there’s a difference between materialists and atheists. This distinction is usually irrelevant, but it may become useful in some cases.

        I’d just like to point out that there’s a difference between materialists and atheists. This distinction is usually irrelevant, but it may become useful in some cases.

        2 votes
        1. Omnicrola
          Link Parent
          That's a distinction that I was unaware of, thanks. After some quick googling and falling into a philosophy-hole in wikipedia, I've determined (again) that I really should actually start that...

          That's a distinction that I was unaware of, thanks. After some quick googling and falling into a philosophy-hole in wikipedia, I've determined (again) that I really should actually start that philosophy course I signed up for on Coursera back in........ June. Damnit.

          2 votes
      2. vord
        Link Parent
        Here's a nice little writeup. If you get into astrology, there's also conflicting "it's real good" and "it's crap" camps regarding alignments of planets/stars etc.

        Here's a nice little writeup. If you get into astrology, there's also conflicting "it's real good" and "it's crap" camps regarding alignments of planets/stars etc.

        1 vote
  4. Tygrak
    (edited )
    Link
    Thank you for bringing the thread back! I am kind of in a venting mood, it's 2am, so I guess don't expect anything actually interesting in what I am going to write, thank you for reading this...

    Thank you for bringing the thread back! I am kind of in a venting mood, it's 2am, so I guess don't expect anything actually interesting in what I am going to write, thank you for reading this stuff if you do.

    I am doing pretty good. I am definitely in the tiny minority of people who don't mind the lock-downs. Not having to leave the house, if I don't want to is great for me. Well ok, you could argue that if I don't get out in those stressful social situations, I will never get "better", or less anxious in them. But I don't care. I am just a bit scared of some of my loved ones getting really sick with corona, but that's probably on everyone's mind.

    Also, I am actually really productive these days. Having 2 extra hours in every day, just because of not having to commute is pretty cool. I am getting so much stuff done and still finding some nice time to play games online with my friends in the evenings. I am so lucky that I have awesome friends. The only thing I am neglecting is getting more exercise. Getting the balance of doing everything right is really hard. I'd like to go for more walks, just do more stuff like that, but I am really kind of busy. Life is so strange with this. Whenever I am really busy, time flies by. It's weird. It's kind of nice sometimes when time goes by so fast. It feels a bit like I am throwing my life away. I spend tons of time thinking about what am I going to do when I have more free time. But as always, when I actually have more free time, I will just spend all my time being bored.

    Also this is kind of cringy, but yesterday I had a dream in which I randomly met a boy, and in some bad romantic movie like moment I got scared by something and held his hand. When I apologized to him, he said that it's okay, and that he liked it. We then walked around the Japanese city, and yeah the dream took place in Japan, definitely an important detail. So for the next few moments before I woke up I kind of had a boyfriend. Wow, seeing what I wrote it really is kind of dumb. But I would love to hold hands with a guy again. I never had a boyfriend, never really even was too close to having one, even after quite a few dates (back in pre-corona times). Most of the time the benefit of having lots of stuff to do is the fact that I don't think about dumb stuff like this. Besides, being in a relationship isn't perfect too. You have less time for yourself, you don't have a guarantee that the relationship will last, so you might have to deal with the breakup. Grass is always greener and so on. Still, I'd at least like to experience one. Everyone always says something like "you have to love yourself, to love others, blah blah blah, by the way live laugh love", and they might be kind of right. But I think I am ok with myself. I also like how I look, so I have no idea what's the problem. Do I have a really annoying personality? I can't really go on dates now with corona anyways, so why am I even thinking about this... it's kind of liberating to actually just write the flow of thoughts coming in. But it also probably results in a unreadable mess. It's cool to actually write this much stuff - whenever I am actually seriously writing for school, work or whatever I spend so much time overthinking everything. I easily take more than an hour to write and endlessly rewrite a tiny paragraph long email. Again, thanks for reading this if you did. Here's a song I am currently listening to, it's incredible.

    Edit:
    I feel like everyone is going through so much more than me. And even though I have everything easy I still don't really do much. I am kind of useless.

    9 votes
  5. [5]
    Leonidas
    Link
    I don't know if this counts as a "mental health problem" per se but I've been having serious problems with getting to sleep at a reasonable hour since the past week or so at least. I've typically...

    I don't know if this counts as a "mental health problem" per se but I've been having serious problems with getting to sleep at a reasonable hour since the past week or so at least. I've typically stayed up until 2 or 3 in the morning regularly before but it's inched forward more and more until now I find myself only getting ready for bed at 5 or 6 AM and sleeping in until 2 in the afternoon. I think this is partly due to how so many of my classes are online this semester (I only have one which has Zoom meetings every week and one which does meet for optional in-person lectures which I've been skipping for the past few weeks). It was difficult enough to manage my time and keep track of assignments last fall before the pandemic, but now I have next to nothing that really "anchors" me and incentivizes me to maintain a normal, productive lifestyle. A lot of classes have switched to just having everything be due at midnight at the end of the week rather than a more spaced-out system in line with normal class times, which I think has exacerbated the issue. It's hard not to feel sort of disgusted by how much everything has been forced to change and consequently seems even more pointless to put effort into. I'm sorry this just seems like a lazy, entitled rant, but the situation as it stands now isn't great and I'm getting tired of looking for the silver lining.

    8 votes
    1. Adys
      Link Parent
      This is me without an anchor as well. I've learned to manage it; over a decade of remote working has taught me a lot about how to cope with these types of difficulties. I don't really know where...

      This is me without an anchor as well. I've learned to manage it; over a decade of remote working has taught me a lot about how to cope with these types of difficulties.

      I don't really know where to start (and I actually need to get some sleep soon), so if you want, you can ask me anything about time/labour management under these types of conditions, here or in DMs, and I'll answer tomorrow.

      6 votes
    2. [2]
      NoblePath
      Link Parent
      Have you tried the sleep with me podcast?

      Have you tried the sleep with me podcast?

      3 votes
      1. Adys
        Link Parent
        Sheesh that looks like what I need actually. I'm going to give it a try right now!

        Sheesh that looks like what I need actually. I'm going to give it a try right now!

        3 votes
  6. silfilim
    Link
    I have been experiencing sudden spells of tears during the past week. Likely a low point in my job search journey. Only six rejections under my belt so far (and more recruiter contacts that I've...

    I have been experiencing sudden spells of tears during the past week. Likely a low point in my job search journey. Only six rejections under my belt so far (and more recruiter contacts that I've said no to) but the stress of having no income and watching my savings disappear is weighing down on me.

    The bright side: I still have a financial runway of at least six months and even more if I decide to use my retirement savings.

    I try to meditate to accept myself and my emotions, and accept that if I were to lose my current way of life and become homeless - or even lose my life, it couldn't have been helped. I'll continue on to be able to say I lived a good life in the end, whenever that time comes.

    8 votes
  7. [2]
    Akir
    Link
    Where was this thread two weeks ago? I became so incredibly burnt out from the same things happening over and over again with increasing intensity, so I decided to take a microvacation. Can't go...

    Where was this thread two weeks ago?

    I became so incredibly burnt out from the same things happening over and over again with increasing intensity, so I decided to take a microvacation. Can't go anywhere (can't exactly outrun COVID) and still have to stay home because I still have classes and appointments to keep, but the very fact that I am taking a break and that it's only a few days away has given me a massive boost in motivation and happiness.

    8 votes
    1. Akir
      Link Parent
      And now there's a wildfire within a few miles of my house. Yaaaaay.

      And now there's a wildfire within a few miles of my house. Yaaaaay.

      3 votes
  8. frostycakes
    Link
    Just a heads up, rant/vent/burden relieving below, sorry if it's a disjointed, aggressive mess. This morning, I made the mistake of popping onto Facebook for the first time in months. First thing...

    Just a heads up, rant/vent/burden relieving below, sorry if it's a disjointed, aggressive mess.

    This morning, I made the mistake of popping onto Facebook for the first time in months. First thing I see? A picture posted by a distant relative, of my father (who disappeared out of my life by the time I was ten), happily playing stepdad to his current family at his stepson's confirmation.

    And it's fucking wrecked me all day since. How fucking great for him, that he could waltz on out of my life (and later my sister's too), but twenty years later he's back in his hometown, married to his old high school sweetheart, and is happily playing dad to her kids. If it wasn't for the fact that her kids are innocent in this, I'd have already sent the letter I typed up detailing exactly how my father is a gargantuan piece of shit who has never made more than the smallest effort at making up for disappearing.

    I mean, the man wasn't just content to be an absentee father, he suddenly dropped me from his insurance when that was both something he was obligated to do as part of my parents' divorce and something he was able to afford whereas my mother could not, even with her working two jobs. Just getting my ADHD medication as a kid was bankbusting for her after that. He never paid a dime of child support either (let's just say there's a court judgement against him that, were it not for the fact that I know he doesn't have shit now, would wipe out my student loan debt), and to add insult to injury, stole my identity when I was thirteen (three years after I had last even heard from him) and thrashed my credit so hard that it even made getting student loans to go to college in the first place difficult. Never mind the shit he put my sister and ex-stepmom through (he drove them off, which was the only way we found out that my identity had been stolen, thanks to his meth habit he had picked up).

    I needed a dad. My sister needed a dad. Us, his fucking flesh and blood, weren't good enough for that, but some small town white trash woman's kids who aren't even his are? The only contact he's deemed me worthy of in all that time was a couple out-of-the-blue Facebook messages when I was in college (I was even only a couple hour's drive away at that time, just one state over. Even suggested we meet up halfway and talk, got fucking ghosted after that), and a shitty Christmas card with a Hamilton slipped in that he snuck into the one my grandpa sent me, when I was goddamn 24. As if that could be on the same fucking planet as anything that would be a start towards an apology.

    I hope he's fucking happy, and maybe he can not let down those kids like he did us.

    Christ, I'm almost fucking 30 and seeing that just made me feel like the lost scared kid I was when they split. It's sad how I'm a grown ass man who's obviously not over his daddy issues, as today illustrated all too well.

    6 votes
  9. kaveri
    Link
    Recently broke up, roommate is back to his home country and im horny all the time. Stuck studying in apartment every day. Fucking sucks.

    Recently broke up, roommate is back to his home country and im horny all the time. Stuck studying in apartment every day. Fucking sucks.

    5 votes
  10. [3]
    Kom
    Link
    It's been a minute since I posted on here, I live in Australia, Melbourne. We have been in such a harsh lockdown and it's started to mess with me, yesterday we had 0 cases, 0 deaths I almost cried...

    It's been a minute since I posted on here, I live in Australia, Melbourne. We have been in such a harsh lockdown and it's started to mess with me, yesterday we had 0 cases, 0 deaths I almost cried with happiness. Then the press conference said things would be opening up again from midnight tonight.

    This morning I was expecting to see a number or two but was met with 0, 0 again. Absolutely amazing two days. I'm feeling top of the world at the moment and it's fantastic.

    5 votes
    1. [2]
      Omnicrola
      Link Parent
      I'm happy for you, and very very jealous of you right now.

      yesterday we had 0 cases, 0 deaths I almost cried with happiness.

      I'm happy for you, and very very jealous of you right now.

      5 votes
      1. Kom
        Link Parent
        I hope you are safe and that things pick up for you.

        I hope you are safe and that things pick up for you.

        2 votes
  11. [10]
    monarda
    Link
    I'm not doing well. Writing that sentence makes me cry. Some days I wake up and lay in bed for hours imagining how I would kill myself (a trip to the beach, a quiet cove, a bottle of wine, and...

    I'm not doing well. Writing that sentence makes me cry. Some days I wake up and lay in bed for hours imagining how I would kill myself (a trip to the beach, a quiet cove, a bottle of wine, and some pills), and the thoughts make me happy. I've been in this place before, though it has been a while, so I know there is another side, but I'm fucking tired.

    4 votes
    1. [2]
      Comment deleted by author
      Link Parent
      1. monarda
        Link Parent
        Being literally stuck is is incredibly aggravating. It makes me want to scream, but the screams go into the void where no one hears them but me. I'm in a somewhat similar situation as you and find...

        Being literally stuck is is incredibly aggravating. It makes me want to scream, but the screams go into the void where no one hears them but me. I'm in a somewhat similar situation as you and find myself torn between rage of betrayal, love for my beautiful partner, guilt that I could feel badly towards them at all, and self-blame because I perfected being small at the expense of my needs.

        Your words were painful to read because you described so well the "meat" of the experience. Thank you for doing that because though I don't wish those feelings for you, your kindness in sharing them, made me feel less alone.

        5 votes
    2. [5]
      mrbig
      (edited )
      Link Parent
      Hi @monarda. Are you under treatment? Cause you really should. If that’s at all possible, you should see a psychotherapist and/or psychiatrist ASAP. Those things you’re feeling are a sign of...

      Hi @monarda. Are you under treatment? Cause you really should. If that’s at all possible, you should see a psychotherapist and/or psychiatrist ASAP. Those things you’re feeling are a sign of mental illness. I should know: I have more than one, and have been under treatment for about 20 years.

      The good news is that, with a good doctor, you’re likely to improve much quicker than you think (and stay that way).

      Depressive states may seem insurmountable, but that’s an effect of the disease itself. Your brain is biochemically biased towards the negative. Medication will force it to resume healthy functioning, and psychotherapy will help you deal with the existential burden of life, as well as come up with strategies to avoid another episode.

      I’d love to answer your questions. Feel free to send a private message if you want.

      You’re going to be okay.

      4 votes
      1. [4]
        monarda
        Link Parent
        I most definitely need therapeutic services. My finances aren't terrible at the moment, but we are both unemployed, living off of savings, and currently without insurance. I'm also experiencing...

        I most definitely need therapeutic services. My finances aren't terrible at the moment, but we are both unemployed, living off of savings, and currently without insurance. I'm also experiencing health issues (we both are), and am afraid that if I go to a doctor, I'm going to end up bankrupting us. I'm trying to hold out till open enrollment.

        You’re going to be okay.

        Thank you. I needed to hear that because it's true.

        5 votes
        1. Omnicrola
          Link Parent
          As My Wife The Nurse often reminds me, if you don't go to the doctor That Issue will often just get worse. When it gets worse, it will be more expensive. It's really tempting to ignore That Issue...

          I'm also experiencing health issues (we both are), and am afraid that if I go to a doctor, I'm going to end up bankrupting us.

          As My Wife The Nurse often reminds me, if you don't go to the doctor That Issue will often just get worse. When it gets worse, it will be more expensive. It's really tempting to ignore That Issue and hope it goes away or fixes itself. Take care of yourself, you're worth it. And remaining ignorant of That Issue does not make it change. Going to the doctor really just gives you more information. You still don't have to act on it unless you choose to.

          6 votes
        2. [2]
          mrbig
          Link Parent
          I see. IDK about financials, but, while doctors appointments are usually expensive, there are many good affordable medications that might help you. Just tell your doctor about your situation, so...

          I see. IDK about financials, but, while doctors appointments are usually expensive, there are many good affordable medications that might help you. Just tell your doctor about your situation, so he/she can prescribe you something you can afford.

          If you know someone with similar issues in your area, ask them for suggestions.

          Good luck!

          4 votes
          1. monarda
            Link Parent
            That's a really good idea actually. I know that Zoloft works for me, and even though I can't start with the counseling at the same time, it would probably do me well to see if I couldn't get a...

            That's a really good idea actually. I know that Zoloft works for me, and even though I can't start with the counseling at the same time, it would probably do me well to see if I couldn't get a script for it. Thank you.

            4 votes
    3. [3]
      Omnicrola
      Link Parent
      Hey, I don't know you, but I'm glad you're here. I'm tired too. Like, in my soul. I struggle with depression and codependency issues, and being alone so much really fucks with my sense of self...

      Hey, I don't know you, but I'm glad you're here.

      I'm tired too. Like, in my soul. I struggle with depression and codependency issues, and being alone so much really fucks with my sense of self worth a lot. I try to spend a lot of time playing games with friends, helping to keep my sense of community alive. It's never going to be the same, but like you I also keep reminding myself that this isn't forever, this will end.

      2 votes
      1. [2]
        monarda
        Link Parent
        Yes, that's exactly where the exhaustion lies. My soul is feeling a bit threadbare at the moment. Thank you for taking the time to write to me. I needed to be touched. Just this little byte made a...

        Like, in my soul.

        Yes, that's exactly where the exhaustion lies. My soul is feeling a bit threadbare at the moment.

        Thank you for taking the time to write to me. I needed to be touched. Just this little byte made a difference :)

        3 votes
        1. Omnicrola
          Link Parent
          Threadbare is a great way to phrase it. Between the pandemic and Trump, I've lost the ability to feel angry. Or maybe I'm just low-key angry all the time. It's like someone tossing another brick...

          Threadbare is a great way to phrase it. Between the pandemic and Trump, I've lost the ability to feel angry. Or maybe I'm just low-key angry all the time. It's like someone tossing another brick onto the pile that has already crushed me to the ground. I haven't given up, but I also can't move.

          3 votes
  12. [2]
    Toric
    Link
    Not great. Last year was a high year for me, as I graduated my first college and finally got my associates degree after 4 years, 2 other degrees that didnt work out, and one medical leave due to...

    Not great. Last year was a high year for me, as I graduated my first college and finally got my associates degree after 4 years, 2 other degrees that didnt work out, and one medical leave due to mental illness that made me drop a semester. I felt like I had finally made progress.

    Then, of course, COVID hit. No graduation ceremony. No more board game nights with neighbors. I was stuck with my part time job until the economy was unfucked. Of course, the economy didn't unfuck itself. I had to leave that job to move to university and get my bachelors. I had already sent out 50 job applications to various business for IT positions before I moved, but no one wanted to hire someone with nothing but hobbyist experience and ~1 year of T1 work when there were people with masters degrees out there looking for entry level jobs. (seriously, my local Best Buy now has a T1 tech with a PhD in networking)

    So I move in to an apartment in Fargo, and start school, only to find out that due to a glitch in their system, the college had not processed my financial aid yet, despite me having filled out my FAFSA in December. This meant I received precisely fuckall in grants and loans, and didn't get workstudy. I had to drop down to part time in order to not go bankrupt on the spot, and now I only had next months rent in my account and am still unemployed.

    I eventually managed to find a (Non IT, as IT only wanted workstudy students) job on campus, after a total of 108 applications sent out. Of course, in total, this job provides just enough money for me to not starve or freeze to death on, and I am putting a total of $10 a month into savings...

    In short, I'm broke, and have no way to pay for next semester, and no way to get federal loans, all because of a bug in their accounting system. If I want to go to school next semester, the only loans I have access to are private loans with interest rates in excess of 7%.

    Meanwhile, during the first week of classes, my family dog bit someone. The dog, Seyo, is a medium sized 'white fluff' type breed, and she turned 7 this year. She is normally a very sweet dog, but she can lash out if you startle her (the person she bit was speedwalking and passed beside her, startling her). Seyo has been an unofficial support animal of mine since high school. (she has helped me through at least 2 suicidal bouts, slept with me every night when I was living at home, and was part of my emergency procedure during a panic attack.)

    When my family told me what happened, I was heavily suicidal for 2 weeks, and was crying myself to sleep every night. My girlfriend (who, thankfully, lives in Fargo as well), had to come over several nights to calm me down from panic attacks. After dragging their feet with paperwork, the city eventually told us that they wouldn't execute our Seyo if we gave her to a shelter. We found a no-kill shelter that was willing to take her, and focused on re homing dogs with some behavioral issues. Unfortunately, they didn't have any room until the end of October, so we ended up kind of hiding the Seyo at my families house, only taking her for walks in a nearby wooded park, not letting anyone know that she was still at our house.

    The animal shelter called yesterday, saying they have a dog moving out on Thursday, and that we can drop her off on Friday. I will be going personally to say goodbye. I don't know what I will do without her in my life. There have been two things in this world that I cared for more than life itself, that stopped my from taking my own life. My girlfriend, and Seyo, my dog. They have both been with me through thick and thin, always been happy to see me, always comforted me when I was having a hard time. They were my anchors, things that kept life worth living.

    The day after tomorrow will be the last time I ever see Seyo.

    I feel like the world takes joy in fucking me over. I feel like no one will allow even the tiniest success to go unpunished. Im a college student on food stamps, for fucks sake. Ive been beaten down more times than I can count, but every time I try to get back up, the world just makes the next beating even worse. How am I supposed to succeed like this? I just want it to be done, one way or another.

    4 votes
    1. Tygrak
      Link Parent
      That's fucking bullshit :(. I couldn't imagine having to put my pet into a shelter, that sucks so much. I so hope things get better for you.

      That's fucking bullshit :(. I couldn't imagine having to put my pet into a shelter, that sucks so much. I so hope things get better for you.

      1 vote
  13. FishFingus
    Link
    Well, I put on almost all the weight I lost over the last year, and have frequently found myself staring into space and chuckling in an unhinged manner. I think I might've felt what...

    Well, I put on almost all the weight I lost over the last year, and have frequently found myself staring into space and chuckling in an unhinged manner. I think I might've felt what disassocialating was a couple of times. Yesterday evening I worked out again for the first time in a while, and was enough to make me sweat and want to throw up. So that must be good.

    3 votes
  14. krg
    Link
    Better than I have any right to be! Well... I'll ride this wave for as long as it lasts (or until I get sucked into the undertow).

    Better than I have any right to be! Well... I'll ride this wave for as long as it lasts (or until I get sucked into the undertow).

    2 votes
  15. knocklessmonster
    (edited )
    Link
    I learned I have an alcohol problem, I tend to be unable to stop at home if I have easy access to a bottle of hard liquor. I learned it can even be horrible booze, as I was the case with a cheap...

    I learned I have an alcohol problem, I tend to be unable to stop at home if I have easy access to a bottle of hard liquor. I learned it can even be horrible booze, as I was the case with a cheap vodka I tried and drank half a bottle of last year (not a handle, 750ml, but blur did the next morning hurt), and it wouldn't be the last time. It's fine if it's there and I don't start, but there's a compulsion once I've started to keep my glass full. It became a bigger issue with being furloughed as I don't have a way to make up for the 10 miles I walked every day on weekends at work, all week during summer, or the exercise and stress of attending classes that have been shifted online. The stress hits different at home I guess.

    I've quit drinking completely until the end of this semester (2nd week of December, from two weeks ago, so 2 solid months) and will re-evaluate, but I'm thinking of staying away from booze. I may switch to social drinking, as it were, as I never overdo it if I'm paying too much. I 've been thinking of picking up some more kava as it helps me relax like alcohol without the addictive drive , but I also don't feel like I should be using any substance by habit anyway. At least being hooked on caffeine will only make me more alert during the day.

    I'm noticing that drinking didn't affect my behavior as much as I thought. I thought it was causing me to stay up late, but it turns out I'll do that with a cup of chamomile tea, too (it's 2:30 AM as of writing this). I tend towards depression and anxiety, and it's done wonders for those, too.

    I don't know what I'm working towards here, but maybe it's just good to offload some stuff. I've been struggling with this for a couple years and feel liberated, in a way, just saying "I won't drink anymore, unless I want to" but I also never had that addict's compulsion to if I was sober. I'd * like* to have a whiskey every night, I love the taste and even the buzz one drink can give, but if I can't seem to stop at one, I just feel safer stopping at none, I guess.

    2 votes
  16. PhantomBand
    Link
    It's weird for me, since august last year I've had derealization which leads to anxiety and disturbing existential overthinking. I'm indoors nearly 24/7 and constantly either browse reddit or do...

    It's weird for me, since august last year I've had derealization which leads to anxiety and disturbing existential overthinking. I'm indoors nearly 24/7 and constantly either browse reddit or do other stuff on my PC or tablet.

    Annoying part is, this is what causes anxiety since people online are absolutely downright nasty in terms of negativity and stuff and this really triggers my anxiety. Reading "life is suffering", "humans are evil bastards", "everything is fucked", "reality doesn't exist", "life is meaningless", etc, all day is extremely hazardous to my mental health. And then I just waste time arguing against those people, or look for counter arguments.

    I wish I could break the cycle and drop reddit and stuff, but my social anxiety kinda forces me to stay inside. I'm doing a little better lately since I joined an exercise program which is twice a week, but it's not enough yet.

    2 votes