13 votes

Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (March 2021)

This is a monthly thread for those who need it. Vent, share your experiences, ask for advice, talk about how you are doing. Let's make this a compassionate space for all who may need one.

7 comments

  1. [3]
    mrbig
    (edited )
    Link
    Got a prescription for olanzapine for anxiety. It worked but at the same time made it impossible to read anything, and even harder to write. The lines got scrambled, including video subtitles....

    Got a prescription for olanzapine for anxiety. It worked but at the same time made it impossible to read anything, and even harder to write. The lines got scrambled, including video subtitles. Truly despearating since a lot of what I do involves text, for both leisure and work. I stopped the medication by myself and things are getting back to normal. The anxiety came back too, but I was truly shaken by that.

    Anyone had experience with this drug?

    8 votes
    1. [2]
      acdw
      Link Parent
      I haven't, but that sounds like crazy side-effects! I'm on escitalopram, it's the only SSRI I've tried. I can't even imagine not being able to read or write.

      I haven't, but that sounds like crazy side-effects! I'm on escitalopram, it's the only SSRI I've tried. I can't even imagine not being able to read or write.

      4 votes
      1. mrbig
        Link Parent
        I'm getting back to normal, but drugs are crazy and the brain is super complex!

        I'm getting back to normal, but drugs are crazy and the brain is super complex!

        1 vote
  2. [2]
    bilbodwyer
    Link
    I'm angry at the moment. Angry because despite my workplace making a big noise about how they care about our wellbeing, and will do whatever they can to ensure the health of their staff, they...

    I'm angry at the moment. Angry because despite my workplace making a big noise about how they care about our wellbeing, and will do whatever they can to ensure the health of their staff, they don't give one solitary fuck about me.
    I've been in discussions with HR and my manager to try to move onto fixed hours rather than a rotating shift pattern, because I feel like the inconsistency in hours is playing havoc with my mental state. Not being able to have any consistency in routine because by the time I've settled into a sleep schedule for the week, it's the weekend and I'm onto a different pattern for the week after. I was told yesterday that it's not possible to put me onto fixed hours because it's unfair to the rest of the team, and besides, shift patterns are commonplace at IT service desks across the world. As if that somehow makes it OK.
    To cap it all, we're expected to be on a video call all day every day, for the sake of "team cohesion" and "learning and development," where really it's just an exercise in not trusting us to actually be there and working. It's stressing me the fuck out. I'm not allowed to turn the volume down because my team leader gets shitty if I don't respond to a question within 10 seconds, so I have to listen to their inane conversations and the whining of at least two laptop fans. It's not like being in the office where you can just about tune it out into background noise. It's blaring out of my laptop for 8 hours straight. It's got me properly on edge. I can't get out of it, and if I'm more than a minute late in joining at the start of my day or after lunch, I get a snide message from my team leader about it. I refuse to put my camera on, so I get sarcastic comments about that at least twice a week. It's such a bullshit idea, and they've dropped all pretence about it being for anything other than "to see what we're doing."

    Fortunately I've spoken to my GP, and been given a sick note for 2 weeks to try to destress and take some time to recentre myself. I'm really hoping that helps. I'm planning to leave my job and go back to uni this year, but September seems like an awfully long way away right now.

    7 votes
    1. teaearlgraycold
      Link Parent
      That sounds like a hellish job. Is there no way to switch to another workplace until September?

      That sounds like a hellish job. Is there no way to switch to another workplace until September?

      4 votes
  3. cardigan
    Link
    I feel at the end of my rope. Or at least, that's what I texted someone this morning. The operative word there is feel, so I hope no one worries about me too much. My emotional state is just much...

    I feel at the end of my rope. Or at least, that's what I texted someone this morning. The operative word there is feel, so I hope no one worries about me too much. My emotional state is just much more precarious than it usually is, and my sensitivity is heightened. The fact that I've made great strides on a creative project worries me, as in the past I've only been able to do that in emotional states that are fragile to an extreme. Having a normal workday with these feelings is close to impossible, and the amount I have to leave undone continues to build.

    My roommates' drug habits are beginning to chip away at how comfortable I feel living here. I'm a teetotaler when it comes to drugs or alcohol, but I make it a point to be as tolerant to others' drug use as I can. When it's just them smoking weed and falling asleep in the living room, it's fine, but last night my roommate C. drank a box of wine and had most of a bottle of poppers. He showed up in the living room in his underwear and was tweaking out, screeching obscenities and being grossly but jokingly sexual with me and the two others. He's a good guy at normal times, and I know that he doesn't mean any harm. But in the fragile state I was in, I felt a sense of panic steal over me. I wanted to rush back to my room, but I felt trapped there, fearing that C. would comment on it or come bother me if I did. In general, I stay in my room to the point where I'm sometimes called the "ghost" of the house. That night, I had come downstairs to try and cheer up my roommate L. by watching something with him. I was hesitant at first, as I felt too sensitive to be dealing with people, but I convinced myself to do it to try and improve his mood. The whole spectacle that it turned into pained me. In retrospect, there was a particularly funny moment where C. drunkenly said that I was the "calmest motherfucker" in the house. I had to pride myself for my ability to set my face in a stoic way, as at that moment my chest felt like it was being crushed and I could feel tears just out of reach. It thrills me to think that the totally fake persona I affect in my real life might be believable.

    I don't really know what irony is. But writing this, it seems ironic to me that I got so much unwanted sexual attention from a tweaking roommate on the same night that I was dealing with rejection on a dating site. You can imagine what being on these is like to someone with body dysmorphia, and I do hate it, but the deep sense of isolation I feel forces me to try. Still, it's usually easy to take people's shallowness in stride. But a few days ago, when I saw that I matched with someone that seemed really cool, I had this nagging premonition that it was a mistake on his part. It took a few days, but after I sent a first message, he did unmatch from me. Being proven right hurt, as it makes it easier to believe that the truly unhinged things I think about my body and personality are also true. I keep thinking about this person in particular without knowing why. I guess because we had similar interests but he was out of my league physically (story of my life), or that he's emblematic of things I will never have. But please don't think I'm obsessive or doing anything to track him down on another app. I wouldn't know where to begin, and am not that kind of person. I just cried a little about it that morning, and play music to cover the wound.

    I need to say something else about my roommates. I've been living here for close to a year. I met them on Lex, which is sort of like Craigslist for queer people. In our first few texts and video calls, I mentioned that I never used male pronouns, and they were good about using nonbinary ones for perhaps the first week. Then all three of them seemed to spontaneously forget, and they've used male pronouns to refer to me for close to a year. I never corrected them. I will never correct them. As time has gone on, it's become more difficult to justify doing it. It would just seem weird at this point, especially if I were to show them early texts where they remembered. I have this overwhelming desire not to draw attention to myself or inconvenience anyone, and I feel that would be doing both. I just have to recommit to strengthening myself and hiding my feelings. For some reason, I think that can take the place of my roommates' respect. But it stings worse when my trans roommate will make jokes about how hard it is to live with "cis men." Those moments have given my emotional poker face a lot more practice.

    6 votes
  4. acdw
    Link
    I'm ... okay. It's weird because I can be really happy and at the same time, this like, deep ... sadness? ... is there, at the edges. An emptiness, maybe. I've been having trouble getting to sleep...

    I'm ... okay. It's weird because I can be really happy and at the same time, this like, deep ... sadness? ... is there, at the edges. An emptiness, maybe. I've been having trouble getting to sleep and feeling motivated to do very much lately. It comes and goes I guess.

    5 votes