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Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (July 2021)
This is a monthly thread for those who need it. Vent, share your experiences, ask for advice, talk about how you are doing. Let's make this a compassionate space for all who may need one.
I'm not doing well.
After months of turmoil and stress my life was getting better. We finally got into our new house, my kids have shown improvement with their mental health issues, My wife and I are in a better place, I got a huge promotion at work and I'm even starting to stabilize on my bipolar meds.
The problem is that stability and life being good in general is unfamiliar to me. It feels uncomfortable, and I've been struggling with thoughts of self sabotage. Things like quitting medication, heavy drinking, self injury, doing things that would hurt my marriage have all been on my mind.
This week I screwed up. I did something that impacted my relationship with my wife an a large way, and made it even worse just this morning. I feel miserable. And these negatives feelings are just driving me towards even more high risk behavior. I feel like I'm spiraling out of control and I'm scared of myself and scared for those around me.
I don't want to lose everything I've worked so hard for.
Hey you! I just wanted you to know that I'm always hearing you, that I always read more intently when I see your name. I wish you didn't feel like you do right now. I wished that you could see, like I do, that you're DOING THE BEST YOU CAN AT THIS MOMENT. It sucks when we feel or know that it is not good enough - when our actions impact those we love and we can't take it back. But when we get stuck in the fucking up bit, it takes longer to move into the rectifying bit.
It blows my mind that "normalcy" is something that I have been uncomfortable with. I have my own stories of sabotaging it. Like wtf, it was everything I had been working towards, why the heck would I undermine it, but I did. You're not alone. It's possible to recover. Don't let the setback totally derail you (that's the path of least resistance - if you didn't have it in you to keep going forward, you wouldn't have made it this far).
Thank you for your kind and encouraging words. I've definitely calmed down from when I posted this. Things are okay and I didn't destroy my entire life (Sometimes my anxiety makes me blow things out of proportion).
You're right that it's really easy to just sit back and melt into self-loathing and punish yourself, but I'm going to fight against that tendency. The least I can do is work to get back to normal now instead of waiting for 6 months just to realize I've lost all that time.
Thanks again for your comment.
Count me in as another voice in this crowd hoping for the best for you. I don't have any advice for you, and I'm not even sure that's even what you need right now, but know that I hope you're able to find peace.
Thank you! Just seeing all these comments helps me to feel better. The sense of community and kindness here on Tildes is truly amazing!
Thank you for being kind.
Shit happens. Look forward. Don't beat yourself up.
I'm bipolar as well. Normalcy is weird as fuck, when I'm spiraling out of control at least it's interesting. Before being I treated I fucked up so many relationships, made so many people unhappy. It was terrible, for sure, but definitely not boring.
To me, the mere fact that you, a rational individual, is considering purposely fucking up your life (just to feel something? That is my guess at least) is an indication that something is not right with your treatment. You may need to address that in psychotherapy or adjusting the medication. You may be in a pre-manic state, or even in hypomania already.
Bipolars are usually not good at being patient, but that's what we need. Patience to understand that you will not be well at the push of a button, and, in your case in specific, patience to give enough time for your relationship to heal from whatever happened between you two. My intuition says this is not the end of the road. Do whatever you have to do to fix this, but do not expect results to come quicker than reality allows. Boring is good, learn to live with it. Meditation helps.
Good luck!
Sorry I'm so late to replay, it's been a hectic few days. Thanks so much for the encouragement, I helps to know that someone else understands what it feels like to have those impulses. I just started mediation recently (HeadSpace app) but I'm having trouble getting myself to do it everyday.
Things are good with my wife. She is an incredible kind, patient, and understanding person and I'm super blessed to have her in my life.
I'm definitely going to keep fighting myself to get comfortable in normalcy.
Thanks!
Glad to know things are getting better for you. Feel free to message me if you wanna talk. Good luck!
Pretty bad.
My marriage ended five months ago due to my wife's infidelity. Since then, it's been mediocre at best, and bouts of horrible, crippling despair the likes of which I've never experienced in my life before at worst. I'm just so used to her, used to doing things for her approval. I now face the prospect of not even really knowing who I am. I don't even know if I like my friends. I don't truly know what I enjoy doing anymore. I just feel lost.
I dated a woman a month ago, but ended it because I kept focusing on my ex. I was comparing her in so many ways to my ex wife and she didn't stack up in the dimensions that I was comparing. I realized that that was totally unfair, so I ended it. I don't know if I'll ever be able to jump that hurdle. I look at pictures of my ex wife, and she's still the most beautiful woman in the world to me.
I don't know if I'll ever connect with someone like that again. I've tried the dating apps, and man, it's just a gut punch out there. I'm an above average looking guy I think. I have a good job, a nice house, friends, but it's next to impossible to meet someone I'm actually attracted to.
I wish I was able to just be happy and content alone, but when I'm alone and not focusing on dating, I tend to just slack off at work, play video games, isolate, or alternatively, force myself to go out with friends and be miserable and in my own head the whole time.
I just wish she'd never left. I took for granted the fact that she'd always be there for me. She was my best friend, my partner, the sounding board to bounce ideas off of. I always felt like I could just completely drop pretenses and be myself in front of her. It was her and I against the world and I didn't think there was a single thing that could ever come between us. Now I feel like a ghost of a person just drifting through the world, desperately seeking a connection that never manifests.
I'm 34, but I feel like my life is basically already over, like my marriage was my one shot at happiness, but it failed. It's so rare that I feel a connection like that with someone, and I'm just obsessed with the idea that something so rare, fragile, and beautiful was destroyed because of my ex wife's poor judgement.
I was a sure footed, confident man who had a solid head on his shoulders and who people could depend on while I was married. Now I feel like a joke. Like a child wrapped in an adult's body. I'm not sure of anything anymore. I can't make up my mind. I'm no longer content with who I am, I no longer feel like I'm someone that people want to be around.
I just wish that my life hadn't turned out this way.
Maybe it's a bit too recent to start dating again (seriously at least). Take a year of two to rebuild yourself. Also you can be glad you were happy for a while, many people don't even have that and nothing lasts forever.
I cried reading your post -- what you've gone through is so incredibly difficult, and I'm so sorry that happened to you.
Have you looked into support materials for people going through divorce or people who have been cheated on? I know there are a lot of toxic circles out there about these things (unfortunately), but I also know that what you're feeling is not unusual for those circumstances. It might help to hear other people's stories and see their paths out of where you are.
Also, apart from anything else, I think it's probably most important to keep in mind that you need time. Five months out of a ten year relationship is still so "soon", and it means everything is raw and fresh and hasn't settled. Give yourself the time you need, and consider it recovery time, not wasted time. You're caring for a deep wound right now, and it's going to take a while for that to heal, and that's okay.
I have. I've read a couple of blogs on the topic, and I've posted on/spent a lot of time reading /r/survivinginfidelity. It helps, but a lot of that stuff is focused on how to deal with a situation where you're currently married and deciding whether to reconcile or leave. That decision was (fortunately/unfortunately?) taken from me by my ex wife, who decided to start an new relationship while I was on the other side of the world on military duty.
I also worry that reading other people's stories over and over just keeps me in a rut.
I'm also in counseling which I attend ever other week, which has also helped, but I have trouble getting to the root of my problems or identifying a good plan of action on how to address it. It helps to talk, but I've always been a "concrete plan" kind of guy, and not having a plan to get out of this is rough for me.
When I wrote my initial post, I was in a horribly dark place over the weekend.
I do feel a bit better now, but that darkness always looms, and has for the past five months. I know eventually some time soon I'll be in that hopeless place again, unfortunately. I'm trying not to give those kinds of thoughts much purchase, and just enjoy the bouts of "normality".
I've also been torn between doing unproductive/stagnant stuff that I enjoy (playing videogames, watching mindless youtube videos) under the guise of self care and productive/constructive things that I don't enjoy so much (working on the house, studying for certifications, working out) under the guise of improving my situation. I guess that's most people for most of their lives though.
Mostly, I alternate between:
anger (How could she do this to our perfect life, steal our future, destroy our well thought out plan to have kids and retire early),
self-loathing (if only I were better looking/taller/more caring/more attentive, maybe that would have been enough to reject this guy),
hopelessness (That was my one shot. It was a fluke, I'll never attract someone that I like who is that pretty, easy going, goofy, and fun again. My life will just be an endless repeat of work and sleep with some video games and friends sprinkled in, totally meaningless)
and sadness (I was happier than I ever thought possible, but I lost it. I'll never feel that way again. It's just a downward spiral from here)
I realize that many of these thoughts are irrational, but maybe some aren't. It's difficult to have an objective sense of judgement and discard them when I'm feeling down.
Another issue is that this is all new to me. I've always been known as an extremely happy, easy going guy to my family and friends. I've never dealt with depression or deep loss before. Any time anything bad has ever happened to me, I've been able to let it roll off my skin. Failing a class was "It's ok, this doesn't set you back much, you can make up for it". Being dumped was "That sucks, but you'll find someone better, you're free now". Even getting in a car crash was "Wow, thank god you didn't get hurt! You'll get a better car with the insurance money!"
This is different. I can honestly with 100% certainty say that this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I guess that makes me pretty privileged in the grand scheme of things, but it still requires coping mechanisms that I've never had to develop before.
Thanks for reading my post and replying.
My heart goes out to you.
Also, thank you for your transparency and honesty. It takes a lot to type out all that you have, much less be willing to share that with others. I think you have an incredible ability to convey in words the depth and complexity of what you're feeling right now. Despite the pain behind them, I think your words here could actually be a comfort to someone who is in a similar circumstance or going through something similarly difficult, as I think it would help them feel less alone in their feelings.
Not good.
Derealization is still going strong since august 2019, 24/7. Most of the existential thoughts have subsided thankfully, but it's still easy to get me worked up over various topics. I frequently feel anxious.
My dad has had lung cancer since a year ago somewhere and it's still not really improving. Tomorrow he's going to have another round of immunotherapy, and the week after that a scan. The thing is, so far the therapies haven't really helped much and it's likely that it'll be the end if the next one doesn't help.. cancer is evil shit.
My mom has been stressed out for years now, she's almost constantly exhausted, frequently kinda gloomy and irritated. In 2017 her father (my grandfather) passed away, since my dad got lung cancer she's obviously been deeply concerned about that, on top of that since my dad was the one who always worked we don't have a reliable income anymore and it's possible that we'll have to move in a year or so, she also has to do more chores now and doesn't really get as much help, my paternal grandfather also passed away some months ago, etc.
I recently got an internship and that's technically a good thing (I'm building up work experience, finally have something to do after 2 years of passivity and staying home, possibly I'll get a job there, etc), but it's been sinking in that most likely whatever I'll do I'll be stuck in this trap of working from 9 to 5 every day until I'm old and retire, which makes me feel kinda hopeless. The times I have to follow are rough as well, I basically have to get out of bed at 6:15 in the morning every day, work from 9 to 5 and then have to travel back home for like 30-50 minutes. Add things like showering, dinner, going early to bed (11 in the evening) and I barely have any free time left. I also don't feel comfortable around the people there yet. I'm lucky with getting a 3 day weekend however, but I don't expect that it'll be there if I get the full job, or a job elsewhere.
I haven't had any friends or anything for years now.
I know this thread is old, but I need to vent. I’m not doing great. A very good friend of mine passed away a couple months ago and every time I think I’m over it I’m not or I have some massive feelings of hopelessness and despair. I’m so frustrated and angry all the time, and it’s effecting my professional life and my personal life. I get frustrated with my kids, my wife, my dogs, myself, everything, I’m just so damn frustrated. I’m so sick and tired of feeling this way, it’s not who I am and I know it’s not. I’m not a mean person, I’m not an angry person, but i feel like it all the time and it scares me. I’m scared to take anti-depressants because I don’t want to use it as a crutch to be the person I’m supposed to be, but I’m to a point that I almost don’t care about my convictions and I just want to be a functioning adult. I’ve always had to prove myself to everyone my entire life, no one has ever thought I could amount to anything and I’m never satisfied being content with what I do. I want to prove to people I can be better professionally and just improve my knowledge. I’m trying to learn python but I’m just not motivated enough to keep learning it, I just stop in the middle of learning because I get discouraged and I feel like it’s going to be a massive waste of time and I have so little time these days. I’m a successful IT professional that can afford a $250k home but my parents still compare me and my whole family to my brother and sister and every time I talk about work or accomplishments I just get a patronizing pat on the back and a comment about how my brother has done so much or my sister is doing great things with activist groups. It’s just so frustrating having to continuously prove myself every step of my life. I found a good group of friends on discord last year during the pandemic, and they’ve been my biggest support group and we’ve even done podcasts and game nights, but since the world started to slowly move back to normalcy we haven’t been online as much so that’s really disappointing. My brain has reached its breaking point or close to it and every day i think about just running and never looking back and getting away from reality but I know I have people that love me and depend on me. I am seeing a therapist and it’s been very good and I plan to bring all of this up with her, I’m just so tired of everything and needed to vent. So far my therapist, meditation, my friends on discord, and lots of Devin Townsend music has helped me to deal with all of these problems.
Edit: when I say running, I really mean running away from my problems like getting into my car and just drive and see where I go.
I'm in kind of the same boat. My partner was diagnosed with ADHD last year, and said that a lot of the stuff on the checklist applied to me as well. Thinking back, I have always struggled a lot with executive dysfunction. I did well on tests in school but I struggled to do homework, I would almost never turn things in.
I am a bit surprised and a bit irritated that instead of any teacher or adult in my life thinking "this child has ADHD" I was instead punished (which I was very sensitive to) and called lazy. I cried a lot about this as a kid, I was very emotionally distraught over not being able to do my assigned work. It probably doesn't help that ADHD was mostly associated with boys at the time, although that is changing.
I've been procrastinating on getting an appointment, partly because mental health services in my area are quite limited and partly because I don't particularly like interacting with the healthcare system in general. As much as I trust the science behind modern medicine I don't have a particularly good impression of physicians themselves and the surrounding systems.
I've heard though that among mental disorders, ADHD is the one that responds best to chemical treatment. That's encouraging. I ought to try and get an appointment too - I'll look into it today, so thanks for posting this.
I finished my degree! This has been one of the most stressful periods of my life so far, over the past year everything was just piling on and on. I am so happy that I am done with this now.
So I am doing quite good now. And also the few months, or even the rest of the year should be mostly stress free. Kind of hard to believe.
I still haven't even started doing anything about the long term problems in my life, but in this moment I think I don't really care. I am happy with the status quo. I am looking forward to distracting myself from everything not doing anything productive over the summer.
Got some kind of party with work next week and I'm getting some strong "fight-or-flight " impulse about it (flight mode of course). I wasn't a big fan of those before covid, but now I feel like I'm going to the dentist. We also have full days of corporate talks, which rarely enchant me. I'm sure I'll be fine when it comes, but anticipatory anxiety is never nice.
Fine, just one thing ponder about.
Last meeting with the psychologist I picked bringing up the fact that someone threw out the idea of everyone in my class meeting up IRL during vacation 2 weeks ago. (The rest of the meeting was a bit more wandering than usually, so honestly I don't recall a lot of advice being given.)
Thing is, when I brought that she didn't give me any real advice because nothing had been arranged because it was just an idea that someone threw out and people haven't brought up again so far, so she couldn't give me advice because different meeting places call for different advice, presumably.
So I was planning on bringing that up to people again a few days before my next psychologist session and if people said yes to the meeting, what should I do do if I went there was what my next psychologist session was gonna be about. Thing is I forgot people would need to organize such a thing if they said yes, and organizing it would probably take more than the few days until said psychologist session, so bringing it up now that it is said few days feels late, and is getting later as I write this and time passes. So I don't want to bring up something and if people said yes and organized something and finishing after my meeting, I would be left faced with going out somewhere with the rest of my classmates with no real advice for what do if I went there and then inevitably say no the idea I would have brought up, even if I believe they wouldn't mind that too much, so I'm not sure if I should bring it up or not and talk about something else in my meeting instead.
I was originally gonna skip this month's thread, things have been great. Mostly ups, couple downs of course but I've been okay overall. Today has been … more difficult. I got hurt by someone I considered to be a friend. Not their fault and not a huge deal, but I feel like my trust is being abused… again.
And again and again and again.
I had this discussion a few weeks back with a friend… she told me she needed months and months to even start considering to trust someone, because she got hurt in the past by someone she trusted. And I get it, but I made the point that not everyone is the same. That past experiences should reflect on nobody but the people involved. You learn from mistakes, but you should not start seeing ghosts and expecting a fresh face to be as bad as the last person who hurt you.
And I'm struggling with this a lot today. I know the numbers are biased, because for every bad experience, I get plenty of good ones but I don't remember those as readily.
Probably overthinking it. But I'm seeing patterns, which are making me really try to figure out whether it's something wrong with me. I hope I'll be able to sleep better tonight, cause last night really sucked.
OTOH I picked up Beat Saber again recently, finally motivated myself to play it again. Since the rinks reopened I've kind of "forgotten" about it, mostly because work has been very intense when I'm home. But my time is slowly freeing up again, so yay.