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Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (August 2021)
This is a monthly thread for those who need it. Vent, share your experiences, ask for advice, talk about how you are doing. Let's make this a compassionate space for all who may need one.
Frankly, I am not okay.
I don't feel like talking about it to anyone. Not here, not to my friends, not to my therapist. I've hesitated writing even just this one reply.
I'm usually someone who opens up easily but this time it's been a lot harder to deal with life than usual.
I wonder if it's related to the melatonin I've started taking nightly. Has anyone taken melatonin and had their mood affected?
Many years ago, I was prescribed melatonin to help with my sleep. Within 3 weeks, I was in a depression. The doctor agreed that I should stop taking them.
Courtesy of @Icarus and this article, I changed over from using 5 mg tablets of melatonin to 300 mcg tablets, and it makes a huge difference. The 5 mg ones are the “standard” dosage sold in all the over-the-counter locations here, so I had to special order the 300 mcg ones.
With the larger dose, it would certainly knock me out and get me to sleep, but I would wake up exhausted, feeling like I hadn’t slept at all. I’d also have to endure a long “hangover” period the next day where I didn’t feel like I was operating anywhere near normal capacity — a sort of “underwater” feeling. The smaller dose, meanwhile, has less knockout power, but I sleep way better on it, wake up feeling better, and there’s no hangover period.
I never really experienced mood issues with it, and I don’t know your dosage, so this might not be relevant to you, but I mention this in case it helps you or anyone else.
Also, if anyone’s stuck with 5 mg tablets for whatever reason, get a pill-cutter and chop them up. Before I ordered the 300s, I was using a quarter of a 5 mg tablet, and even that was a significant improvement.
Actually the ones i got are an OTC mix of 290 micrograms of melatonin and 5mg vitamin B3. I was talking to a friend yesterday she told me hers were 5mg i was shocked... Given the effect mine were having on me (and them being far sufficient to fall asleep, too!), i couldn't imagine basically taking 15 times the dosage!
But what you describe is what I've experienced to some level, just far less pronounced. Didn't go as far as a hangover (I do get that with Xanax), but i would feel tired for most of the next day. Wouldn't be too bad if I didn't just also feel unmotivated to do anything. I didn't even skate once while I was taking them! I managed to go the day after stopping.
Edit: wtf! This article is from 2001, how is it 5mg is still the OTC standard where you are? :/
I wouldn't describe the United States as being especially receptive to scientific findings, particularly when they pertain to healthcare.
Also, if you want to be even more confused: 5 mg is the standard, but I've also seen the occasional "MAXIMUM STRENGTH" version on the shelf that's 10 mg.
Melatonin is a knockout drug for me - it's almost like smoking way too much weed. I had zeros success with it and was thankfully able to turn to exercise to wear me out enough that I fall asleep when my head hits the pillow.
Not sure if you're in the mood for 'try this!' responses, but if you have the energy for exercise (even just a walk before bed) maybe it'll help. Best
I can confirm exercise before bed has a largely positive effect on sleep for me, but i need it to be at least an hour or two before I go to bed. So by the time bedtime rolls around i usually forgot to do it, or didn't get to it.
Timing doesn't really work for me there. I'm usually working at those times...
Been in a weird headspace I suppose. Long weekend came, ate out in a restaurant for the first time with some friends I haven't seen since the pandemic (at least a year since the last time we saw each other), and then wasted a long weekend doing nothing.
It was nice seeing them again but also felt weird, two of the couples are getting married, I having semi-recently been ejected from a long term relationship. The pandemic feels like it's (for the most part) coming to an end here and people are getting back to regular life, I'm not sure if I'm ready to do that, I think I've gotten too used to being anti-social and having an excuse for not going out and doing things. Now I may have to go back to navigating a regular social life and events while trying to avoid my ex who ran in the same groups.
I've been considering (and fantasizing) moving cities for a while now -- get a fresh start, live near the other single friend of mine, break out of the rut. Now I don't have the excuse of the pandemic to hold me back, so I have to confront my fear over actually pulling the trigger and changing my life or sticking with the past, boring and mundane and comfortable.
Several weeks ago I was feeling pretty motivated. I had started going to the gym again because I was feeling inspired by Tim Ferriss's Geek to Freak transformation, even though the science behind some of the research he's quoted is largely deemed bullshit (specifically the Colorado Experiment.)
I reached about 2.5 weeks in and was definitely starting to bulk up a little, then stopped going for about a week - I have been feeling off, partially because I think I've come down with a cold.
A few things recently have killed my motivation.
First and foremost, I went on my first date since September recently. Me and this lady seemed to click really well when we were messaging through FB Dating and WhatsApp, and when we met in person it seemed like things were good, until she bailed about 45 mins in because her parking was going to run out, even though she parked pretty close and parking meters in town are a minimum of 2 hours. I knew she had flaked on me and sure enough, she sent me the usual message about two hours later about how I was a sweet guy with a bright future ahead of me but she felt no spark, just wants to be friends and didn't want to lead me on.
This kind of outcome is all-too-common in my life. I struggle to even get dates and I have used many sites & apps over the past eight years like POF, Okcupid, CMB, Bumble, Tinder, Hinge, Happn, Facebook Dating, even Match.com. About half of the dates I've been on have resulted in the lady bailing within the first hour and I don't understand why I'm seen as so repulsive. I don't like venting about it on the internet because people online have genuinely made me feel like shit for being frustrated, either dismissing my grievances and telling me to go hire a prostitute, or labelling me an incel.
Secondly, volunteer work I do for a charitable org has been stressing me out. I don't want to elaborate much on what I do, but it's a mix of all kinds of things bothering me. When I took on the treasurer role two years ago, I did so expecting key volunteers to stay on board and wasn't really informed just how much was still outstanding. I want out but it's really not easy to walk away from this.
Thirdly, a few people have been giving me hell because I haven't moved out yet. I'm currently between jobs (because I'm trying to finish my accounting studies, I was already guilt-tripped by a recruiter into accepting a temp role three months ago that burned me out with a hellish commute and poor work conditions) and finding an apartment is difficult. I don't want to house share with complete strangers, one bedroom flats are expensive here and actually buying a house is out of the question due to my employment circumstances and because I'd have to be earning at least £10k per year more than my last job in order to even get a mortgage for a 1 bedroom property here.
And finally... I have an exam in three weeks. I need to cram a whole module of work in three weeks of intense study.
Dude, I decided pretty early in life that I hate dating. It involves way too much pretense and expectations. I found, I love to hang out one on one with people. But when framed as a date it was ackward, stuffy, boring, and well... not for me. My whole thing is I just want to hang out and have fun. I wasn't looking for sex, a commitment or any relationship bullshit, that shit comes on it's own if you're having fun, past tense since I'm married. So when I would hang out with someone the first time we would usually meet up at a coffee shop or a bar and then go to a sporting event, an amusement park, the zoo, miniature golf, ect. Sometimes it was a disaster. But most of the time even if we didn't click, we had fun. And that's the key, just have fun. If you're not having fun you're doing something wrong. From the sound of things, you need to stop trying to date. Sounds like you might want to work on yourself for a while.
If you hate your volunteer job, fucking quit. You're already doing them a favor, you owe them nothing. If you're not getting anything positive from it quit. Take some time to study and then for yourself. Then if you want, volunteer somewhere else, like a cat rescue center ( sweep and feed cats for twenty minutes once a week. Cute bastards!)
Lastly, people suck. I am one of them. I like teasing people I like and have gone overboard on many occasions. I've become much more aware of that over time. There will always be shitheads. The internet is full of them. Ignore them or stay offline for a while (you should anyway, hit the books dude.) I have had roomates I didn't know that were great, I've had roomates I didn't know that were awful. But sometimes you just have to roll those dice. If you don't have to awesome. If you do, it sucks but it'll be temporary. I met one of my best friends twenty years ago that way. If you can stay where you're at without any problems, than the nay sayers can fuck off. School is more important, think long term with short term goals.
Dating is hard for everyone. Do not feel like shit for being frustrated, that feeling is perfectly natural. A low rate of success on dates is to be expected -- dating involves two people that don't really know each other and the odds of a match are not that high. If you went to 10 job interviews and got a callback from 5, would you consider yourself successful? Yes, absolutely! Dating is kinda the same. You're trying out. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't (sometimes catastrophically...). It's harsh. Believe me, I know. But try to manage your expectations. If you're feeling overwhelmed by it, maybe take some time off, and get back in the game later on with a better emotional outlook. My father always told me: "don't worry about the 9 that rejected you, let them go. Just be happy for the one that said yes". Dating is hard, but it only takes one yes for your life to change completely.
Good luck!
I feel you. I think I have similar experiences with dating like you. I also tried many different dating sites/apps and over a few years have went on quite a few dates. But nothing ever went anywhere. Mostly the dates aren't bad, but people don't want to go on more dates with me. Just a few weeks ago I spent a nice night in the city with an amazing guy, but he didn't want to go out again.
Considering basically all other people I know do manage to find relationships without too much effort, even if sometimes they are short lived there is definitely something wrong. I feel like I am trying quite hard for quite some time. After all this time it would seem that the problem is probably not other people but me :(.
As you said, venting about this stuff online just feels bad. I don't really talk about it too much in real life with my friends too anymore, cause I don't want to be a pathetic guy who just complains. I have mostly accepted that I will probably always be single, while still trying to hang onto some hope. I try to cherish having some great friends, though it isn't really the same thing.
Sorry for venting. Good luck with the exam, with finding a partner and in life in general!
With all the talk of tinnitus, I picked a really poor week to have a sinus infection and for the congestion to go to my ears. The congestion is bothering me now more than any ear ringing, but it got bad a couple nights ago. Went to an instant clinic, they said it was nothing, gave me some ear drops to try for a couple days in case it got worse. Trying not to panic.
Update: Eardrops are neomycin polymyxin hc, looked it the side effects, going to panic some more.
Between my various health stuff all dogpiling me at once, I'm starting to wonder if I have some health anxiety issue I should see a professional about. Couple that with this new variant of Covid being about as contagious as chicken pox, and I have some concerns.
Been feeling much better since being put on antidepressants. My panic attacks are less frequent and my mind is much clearer than it’s ever been as well as my mood swings are less frequent if not completely gone. I’m still not really motivated to do anything though, I started several podcasts a few weeks ago and I’ve just fallen out of them but I would love to go back to recording more episodes. My career seems a bit misguided at the moment, I’d love to learn python so I can start building out applications and utilizing more cloud native solutions for work but I’m just afraid it’s all going to be in vain. I’m burnt out of my career and need a change, but idk where to go for that change, my whole life has been one of three things: music, computers, or video games, and the only one I’ve been able to make a career out of is computers. Hopefully I can find something, but I’m just feeling kind of lost in my career and I need to course correct before it all falls apart.
Halfway through the last month I went to the psychologist again and didn't bring up the potential IRL meet-up to my classmates I talked about in last month's comment. This meeting was, just like the last one, closer to me talking to her about the things that have happened in my life since the last session, which was me writing my first bit of code for a class and my parents getting more annoyed with me sleeping and waking up too late and taking it more seriously, where the psychologist talked to me about often sleeping late, which part of me found hard to believe given she has a job and needs to be here early but otherwise I liked, even if there really isn't any advice to give to that.
While this is cool, I am honestly bothered by it and want to change it back to the more advice-centric format I chose because I feel I get much more out of that. The main question is what should I choose to get advice about. I am split between the 2 questions I had in June and haven't answered or if I should ask for advice about something that affects me right now like my relationship with my parents, but broaching that kind of topic requires some discomfort that I'm simply not used to taking on.
My husband and I lost a good friend to cancer a few months ago.
I’m more at peace with it than I was, but it still hurts a lot sometimes.
I reminded myself today that despite my life not being where I want it to be, I have an unlimited capacity for guiding and nurturing the future self I want to become.
Ever since I finished my MSc, I feel like I lost a valuable mentor or 师父 role in my life. I feel like I am precariously balancing on a razor's edge and that I am a few spurs of bad luck away from being exposed as a big fraud.
That being said, I have time and I have a kind and supporting partner.
I need to contribute more to the people and the community around me.