26 votes

I got asked out today

So I just got asked out by this girl that I had asked out on a whim, I don't know how long ago, maybe 6 months ago? Time's blurry now-a-days; I had totally forgotten about her. She seems really nice, she's attractive, but more importantly she remembered me. She remembered I had asked her out and today I bumped into her and she told me she was single now and that she'd be interested in going on a date. We exchanged numbers and all that jazz and uh here I am. I should be over the moon.

But I'm not. I'm at best meh, and more realistically depressed. This is the best thing that's happened in my life in quite a long time, and I can't find it in myself to be happy for myself. My only other post on here is about my bipolar, and I'm going through a rough patch right now, but something like this could help bring me up a little bit. Why can't I be happy? I've been in a funk for the last week, I haven't been able to concentrate, I've been sleepy, everything is monotone. I feel like I'm navigating life in a wobbly blob of grey jello: everything is out of focus and I'm always a little distanced, slow motion, never sure what's going to trip me up.

I'm worried I'm not in a good place to be getting into a relationship right now, but this is just about a once a year opportunity it seems so I feel like I need to take advantage of it. Relationships take effort but I can't make the effort to take care of myself some days. It's pretty much a no-win. I can either not pursue this and lose, or go for it and probably fuck it up because I don't even know how to hold down a healthy relationship.

I'm sort of decided to go for it, so how long do you all think I should wait before texting her? I always hear that this is super critical, to not sound to needy but not sound uncaring. Like I said, I don't seem to know shit about relationships.

13 comments

  1. [2]
    cloud_loud
    Link
    Well, just because you're going on a date doesn't mean that you're gonna be in a relationship. Don't think about that, don't think too ahead in the future or where this will lead and what you'll...

    Well, just because you're going on a date doesn't mean that you're gonna be in a relationship. Don't think about that, don't think too ahead in the future or where this will lead and what you'll do etc etc.

    Just think about it as spending time with a person you like. Nothing more, nothing less. Just take it one step at a time and don't overthink it.

    28 votes
    1. Smiles
      Link Parent
      Yeah, I've been told I always think too far ahead.

      Yeah, I've been told I always think too far ahead.

      4 votes
  2. autumn
    Link
    Text whenever. All that waiting game is silly IMO. Set up plans to meet, but I try not to chat too much over text because I’d rather get to know my date in person so I can pick up on body language...

    Text whenever. All that waiting game is silly IMO. Set up plans to meet, but I try not to chat too much over text because I’d rather get to know my date in person so I can pick up on body language as well.

    17 votes
  3. Thales
    (edited )
    Link
    Others have given you some solid advice but one thing I wanted to comment on was this: I fall into this type of thinking oftentimes, where I take the past and project it into the future, but...

    Others have given you some solid advice but one thing I wanted to comment on was this:

    this is just about a once a year opportunity it seems so I feel like I need to take advantage of it

    I fall into this type of thinking oftentimes, where I take the past and project it into the future, but working with a psychotherapist I've come around to the idea that "fortune telling" (as my CBT book terms it) is usually fraught with error.

    Perhaps meeting someone interested in dating you has been a "once a year opportunity" in the past, but that was under a very particular set of circumstances: you had a specific social life, job, income, city, age, mental health situation, etc. Those circumstances are not immutable. If finding a romantic partner is something that's important to you, you can change most of those things to make meeting someone more likely.

    Maybe you find a great psychotherapist, you work together to develop a healthier mindset, and you start feeling a lot better.

    From there, maybe that new mindset leads you to seek out new people. Maybe you switch jobs and your new hours are better for socializing. Maybe you start volunteering and expand your social circle. Maybe you join a dating app. Maybe you move to a different part of the city. Maybe you make a smaller change, like introducing yourself to people more often. Maybe you join a board games group, or a book club, or a recreational sports league.

    The past only perfectly predicts the future if all the circumstances of your life remain unchanged. (And change is inevitable).

    So I don't want you to think that you "need to take advantage" of this opportunity just because you haven't dated much in the past. The circumstances of your life are not permanent, and if meeting someone is a priority then you can adjust those circumstances to give yourself more opportunities.


    As a side-note, I'd very strongly recommend you get in touch with a psychotherapist or psychologist: it's amazing what a difference CBT can make in your life. Good luck, my friend :)

    10 votes
  4. Grzmot
    Link
    Just because you're going on a date doesn't mean you should be over the moon. Go in with the desire for a pleasant conversation and nothing more. See where the road takes you from there. No plans,...

    Just because you're going on a date doesn't mean you should be over the moon. Go in with the desire for a pleasant conversation and nothing more. See where the road takes you from there. No plans, no strings. If she flirts and you feel like it, flirt back. Or start the flirt, dudes are usually expected to make the first step, since she's the one that asked you, it can be expected that she will respond in kind.

    I'm sort of decided to go for it, so how long do you all think I should wait before texting her? I always hear that this is super critical, to not sound to needy but not sound uncaring. Like I said, I don't seem to know shit about relationships.

    You're overthinking it. Sooner than later is usually a good idea, but the gal remembered you for 6 months, so whatever. It's Wednesday for me, so maybe ask her if she wants to for coffee/dinner/a drink on Friday. Or maybe tomorrow, if you're free.

    And trying something out and fucking it up is always better than not and wallowing in self-hatred. Besides, who knows, maybe she'll be the reason you get yourself out of your hole? She might be your shrimp :)

    7 votes
  5. skybrian
    Link
    Going on a date tends to be high stress at first, so you might want to think about what you might do together that would be both fun and reasonably comfortable for both of you. Like, do you think...

    Going on a date tends to be high stress at first, so you might want to think about what you might do together that would be both fun and reasonably comfortable for both of you. Like, do you think you'd be in a better mood getting together after work or on the weekend?

    5 votes
  6. Staross
    Link
    Go for it yeah, often times I'm not in the mood but just going out and seeing people cheers me up a bit, and also gives me energy to take care of myself (you've got something to do it for). And...

    Go for it yeah, often times I'm not in the mood but just going out and seeing people cheers me up a bit, and also gives me energy to take care of myself (you've got something to do it for). And chances this will lead to a serious long term relation are slim anyway, and you've got plenty time to disclose your health problems if the case may be.

    how long do you all think I should wait before texting her?

    Unless you take under 5s to send her a text anything is fine, send her a text when you feel like going to meet her. Don't overthink shit.

    4 votes
  7. [4]
    HotPants
    Link
    The best piece of dating advice I ever got, was to go some place fun, and take a photo of your date having fun... Then send her the photo after the date, to remind her how much fun you are. If you...

    The best piece of dating advice I ever got, was to go some place fun, and take a photo of your date having fun...

    Then send her the photo after the date, to remind her how much fun you are.

    If you get that one photo, it's a success in my books.

    4 votes
    1. [3]
      mtset
      Link Parent
      Well, I'm not sure about sending the photo to make her think of you as a fun person, but I definitely agree that going somewhere fun is a good way to get things off to a good start! Be aware that...

      Well, I'm not sure about sending the photo to make her think of you as a fun person, but I definitely agree that going somewhere fun is a good way to get things off to a good start! Be aware that people don't always love taking photos, though, without pretty stringent assurances that you're not going to post them online.

      5 votes
      1. [2]
        HotPants
        Link Parent
        Yeah, I got this advice before phones were smart and when friendster was a thing. The last date I went on, I pulled out a small digital camera and took a shot while my date was about to ram me...

        Yeah, I got this advice before phones were smart and when friendster was a thing.

        The last date I went on, I pulled out a small digital camera and took a shot while my date was about to ram me with her bumper car. Then I emailed it to her.

        Having a simple and achievable goal like "one fun photo" means you are automatically thinking roller coasters/ mini golf/ bumper cars/ go carts/ water slides/ beach/ rock pools/ bike ride/ outdoor music/ shakespeare in the park...

        @Smiles, don't leave her hanging. You've already scored the date. Even if you want to play hot/cold, you have to be hot before you can be cold, and so far, she is the one who asked you out ;)

        5 votes
        1. mtset
          Link Parent
          I definitely think that's a good way to think about it. In my experience, I much prefer dates with people who've thought through what they want to do, and having a goal is a good way to ensure that!

          I definitely think that's a good way to think about it. In my experience, I much prefer dates with people who've thought through what they want to do, and having a goal is a good way to ensure that!

          4 votes
  8. lou
    (edited )
    Link
    Dude, you got a date. That's awesome! So go... And have a date! About the future, just do like Doris Day and sing your sorrows away!!!!

    Dude, you got a date. That's awesome! So go... And have a date! About the future, just do like Doris Day and sing your sorrows away!!!!

    When I was just a little girl
    I asked my mother, what will I be
    Will I be pretty
    Will I be rich
    Here's what she said to me
    Que sera, sera
    Whatever will be, will be
    The future's not ours to see
    Que sera, sera
    What will be, will be

    When I grew up and fell in love
    I asked my sweetheart, what lies ahead
    Will we have rainbows
    Day after day
    Here's what my sweetheart said
    Que sera, sera
    Whatever will be, will be
    The future's not ours to see
    Que sera, sera
    What will be, will be

    Now I have children of my own
    They ask their mother, what will I be
    Will I be handsome
    Will I be rich
    I tell them tenderly
    Que sera, sera
    Whatever will be, will be
    The future's not ours to see
    Que sera, sera
    What will be, will be
    Que sera, sera

    3 votes
  9. Wolf
    Link
    Can't really give you advice or comment on how you're feeling, but congratulations on being asked out to a date! I hope this turns out exactly how you want it to.

    Can't really give you advice or comment on how you're feeling, but congratulations on being asked out to a date! I hope this turns out exactly how you want it to.

    3 votes