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Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (January 2022)
This is a monthly thread for those who need it. Vent, share your experiences, ask for advice, talk about how you are doing. Let's make this a compassionate space for all who may need one.
I'm okish. I'm still struggling through the aftermath of my divorce due to my ex wife's infidelity, and despite my separation beginning in Feburary of last year (wow, feels like it was a few weeks ago), I feel like its come to define me.
I made a new group of friends via a friend I already knew about six months ago, and they all knew me as "the divorced guy". So much of my general feelings of discontentedness stem either directly or indirectly from my divorce. I feel like I'm not where I should be in life anymore, as I'm in my mid 30s, single, with no kids. That wasn't the plan at all for me, and when I see happy families, or my friends talk about their wives, even in a negative light, it just makes me feel like I'm not where I should be; it honestly makes me feel like a little bit of a loser.
Few things really give me joy besides playing video games lately, and my luck with dating other women has been pretty abysmal as of late. For some reason I was pretty successful with it immediately following my divorce; as in, I was regularly going out on dates, although I realized I jumped in too early after I moved too fast with one woman and ended up hurting her feelings because of it. I took a step back until three months ago when I felt like I was "ready" (what does that even mean?), but since that time I haven't been on a single date, for some reason it all just dried up.
That, coupled with the fact that all I've been spending my time doing is working out and playing video games has led me to kind of hate myself a little bit, which is a total 180 of how I felt about myself when I was married.
I feel a little like I've taken "the red pill" in a way, as in, I'm now hyper focused on my own mental health, the things I think about myself, what's making me depressed or anxious, whereas while I was married, I was blissfully unaware, generally happy most of the time, and I didn't feel the need to bother with "mental health stuff". Now I'm in therapy 2x a month, on adderall, and constantly judging myself for virtually everything I say, think, do, or look like.
I wish my ex-wife could somehow understand the severe damage she's done to me and at least empathize, or feel bad, or something, but as far as I know, she's still fully committed to the guy she had an affair with, and still living in his house she moved into the day she told me she wanted to divorce, a week after I got home from the middle east. I haven't talked to her in about four months at this point, and we've literally never talked about her cheating, because I wanted the divorce to be done quickly and favorably, but knowing that she at least kinda feels bad about it would make me feel slightly less like a discarded piece of garbage.
I guess the thing I feel like would make me whole again is the unconditional romantic love of another person. That's what my mind goes to anyway, because its the thing that was taken away from me. Who knows if that would even make me feel better though. If I got into a new relationship, fell in love, and still felt this way, god, I don't even know what I would do at that point. I've heard advice and posts that you shouldn't rely on other people for your own self of well being, and I think that's a good idea in concept, but I have literally no clue how that would even work for me. I can't envision a world where I'm totally happy, content, and single. It just doesn't make sense to me.
I took solace last night, that 2022 absolutely MUST be better than 2021. I guess that's not really true, I could always get a painful terminal illness, or my family could die, but in all likelihood, this year will be personally much better for me than last year, which was so far the worst year of my life by a really large margin.
I'm debating if I should respond because idk if anything I'll say can help. None of what I'm saying comes from "experience", but sometimes it's nice to have fresh eyes/ diverse/ possibly virgin pair of eyes look at something.
You've gone through a traumatic break up, and that's hard. Give yourself some grace, be gentle with yourself. This is a hard transition. What would you tell a dear friend who has gone through what you're going through now?
By reading your post, the macroscopic concept I'm picking up is that I feel you define yourself based on your relationship status (single guy, married guy, divorced guy) or your relationship to others (serving for your country, parent/ non parent). The only thing I learned about you in this particular post is you play video games and you work out.
Thought experiment: Let's say you know you're about to lose your memory, you get to write down (or record a video) of who you are to your lost memory self. What would you tell the lost memory version of yourself? How would you describe yourself to yourself? What would help them most be the closest version of who you are? And, just for kicks, what would you leave out or even add that you'd think would make you a "better" version of you, and why do you think it would be a "better" version? This may cause some existential dread. Don't feel like you need to answer it. You're going through enough already.
I'm going to share a link of a therapist I follow on Instagram. I think it responds well to your experience. She responds to the question "How much hurt is too much?".
I think wanting your ex-partner to feel some sort of emotional hurt or guilt won't help you recover, and I think you know this already. Focusing on recovery will help you recover. Because infidelity is a boo-boo. You had your life planned or had envisioned your future and this person abruptly changed that plan hence shattering your envisioned future. Ouch.
I think you've misinterpreted the advice of you shouldn't rely on other people for your own self of well being. I don't think that advice necessarily means you'll be single for the rest of your life. I'd like to offer another means of envisioning relationships/ the world/ life: pretend that life is an open hiking trail that isn't mapped, with viewing points, forks, some dead ends, some loops, mud, rock, water falls, etc. Some people have been through some parts of the trail, and, to give others a heads up, they'll vocally tell you "that's bad news" or "this is good for your growth/ development" or "you gotta see that!" or whatever they interpreted or gave meaning to that path. Some people think having a SO is an essential part of the path, some think having children is, etc. I like to think of it as everyone is on their own path they choose (or was chosen for them, or guided to them, etc.), and my significant other and I have joined paths somewhere along the way. BUT, before I met my SO, they've had their own journey as I've had mine (which often leads to looking at the world differently, which is understandable and okay). AND, during our journey together, we sometimes break off and join each other later "hey, I'll meet you at the river! Have fun at work, honey!" I'll focus on being happy and content while on our journey apart, as well as when we meet up and take journeys together. Sometimes we get hurt on this path, whether separated or together. Sometimes we even lead each other down rotten paths. These are all given and possible. I honestly don't know where I'm going with this. Just another way of looking at relationships/ life, I guess?
Bad? Yeah, bad.
I've got some health things that need checking suddenly, so now I get to weigh the odds of having cancer (I have high lifetime risk, but current risk is not super high) vs the odds of catching COVID and permanently worsening my disability. And lots of people seem to think that's an acceptable choice to foist upon those of us who are high risk, because that way they can go back to normal during the worst surge ever. I just wish they were honest with themselves that by telling us we should should stay at home forever, they're saying some of us should die from lack of medical care (or COVID, if we can't follow their "advice" to isolate). Or maybe they know that, but they don't care.
I wrote a note to myself earlier and it feels like venting and also I feel by writing it down in the first place I already know the answer. I guess what I'm wondering is do other people have these concerns without the answers being the one I've circled back to too many times without seeking further help (not suicide just that I am depressed and should probably do something about it).
Do I have a lack of purpose and enjoyment in things because I'm not choosing fun things or because I'm depressed. Is it because it's after a long and busy season in work and I struggle to pick what to do now beyond routine as all I had during that was routine or is it because I find less joy in things and need to seek help about that?
Why not seek help regardless of if your lack of purpose & enjoyment stems from depression or not? (do you have to go to the dentist because you have a cavity? can't it be for preventative care?)
One of the main requests from therapists/ mental health professionals is you don't have wait to get help. It may be easier & faster to find solutions if you come sooner rather than later, and you'll get a quick turnaround or less frequent visits.
Mental health professionals can help you find & develop tools to
Additionally, they can also help you understand the underlining cause of the lull, lack of purpose, or enjoyment (hence, you can navigate feelings like these in the future) or which specific thing may be the cause that's affecting other aspects of your life. There are many things a mental health professional can help with (forming a routine, keeping you in line, strengthening relationships, understanding relationships, helping you create a plan towards a goal, etc.). You are the boss when it comes to therapy, you tell them what you want.
I'm having a hard time diving back into work with full force. Even though I've technically been back at it for a week I'm finding literally anything else to address except for work. I deep cleaned the whole house. I did a full cutback of the garden. I fully serviced every bike my partner and I have. Anything. I don't really have a lot of outside accountability as I am the main founder of the company so it's easy to just keep pushing things. I don't have any good reason to be avoiding things and the work isn't really that difficult or tedious, I just am. I also have very little accountability at work other than to myself so I don't even have that impetus.
My partner mentioned her colleague discussed feeling similar and said she was "defrosting" from the holidays. I have never heard a more apt description of how I am currently feeling. The oven is pre-heated, the family is hungry, but I'm just not ready to get back in the oven (ok weird analogy but I really think it fits). Anyone else feeling this way?
Healthwise, I think I'm doing okay, right side of my abdomen I have some discomfort and it feels to be gas related, comes and goes. Should probably eat better, but no internal organs appear to be decomposing faster than usual. Urine tested well too, some minor inflammation of what feels to be along the urethra, but nothing unbearable, like a 1 or a 2 compared to the 7 of the worst of it post UTI. Health anxiety seems to be on the wane for now. Edit: Some annoying ear whistling appears to be sticking around from a gnarly sinus infection. Comes and goes, not really terrible compared to what it was, just sticking to quiet things.
The thing eating my brain right now was I applied to and got a job testing autonomous cars for a Big Three company, which is pretty cool. Pending a background check, I start on the 10th, but I disclosed I had an accident 6 years ago, a rear ending I was at fault for, and the police report they asked me for wasn't exactly flattering for me. (I maintain that the brakes did not engage, got documentation that the new master cylinder went bad, and took care of the points immediately, but somebody had to be at fault, and it wasn't the person at the light.) I can handle if they decide to redact the job offer due to liabilities and what not, I am an adult, but I turned in this report just before Christmas and have waited more than a week for an answer on this because of the holiday, and I just want to know what's up.
Edit: Clear to hire! I start on Monday, there was a shift change, but I'm getting a pay bump, so that's nice.
This week's has been a lot. Robotics team has a kickoff this weekend, and our school district has some 400 kids in quarantine, so that's something. Mom has regular lunch with someone who is now quarantined with Covid, so maybe she gets another round of it, maybe it's was already over with that cold she had this week. She doesn't want to get tested so she doesn't have to think about it. My old cat had a bladder infection that went to the kidneys and is putting all of her effort into not taking the antibiotic that will likely save her life. And I know that she's old and not going to be around forever, but I can't put out of my mind that I may have been able to catch this earlier if I had been more on the ball. Three UTIs for her in two years would probably have said otherwise though. And I start work next week full time and on location for the first time in eight months with a shift from 3-11pm, not ideal, but a job is a job, and I think it's going to be okay. I hope.
As of this morning, finally back on ADHD meds for the first time since like. Middle/high school. Last semester just was hitting me way too hard to deal with it on my own anymore. Related note, getting used to not glorifying "going it alone"/"toughing it out." Always kinda apprehensive about taking anything that affects my head (I don't drink, don't do any fun drugs), and I'm not sure if I'm more or less apprehensive not having noticed much difference besides side effects so far.
Also not sure how much is genuine side effects and what might be just nerves. Like am I just nervous or is this why my hands were always cold back in grade school? Am I hungry or nauseous? And if I'm nauseous is that just nerves? At least if they are side effects, they're mild and vague enough that that's questionable.
EDIT: Wait is this how I managed wearing hoodies in the middle of summer without dying back then?