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  • Showing only topics in ~talk with the tag "ask.advice". Back to normal view / Search all groups
    1. Living day to day with the weight of existing

      I have no idea how to word this, as every similar post that I've seen has had an obvious cause, in some way shape or form. I, on the other hand, feel pretty shitty even writing this up know that...

      I have no idea how to word this, as every similar post that I've seen has had an obvious cause, in some way shape or form. I, on the other hand, feel pretty shitty even writing this up know that others have actual problems that I am taking that visibility from.

      When I wake up, I get to go to work a job that mentally stimulates me, teaches me new things (both in terms of a legacy system and in terms of new technology), and lets me work from home 3/5 days a week. On top of that, I have a very solid housing situation where I don't need to worry about rent being raised. I have a (reliable) car that only needs routine maintanence, and has very good MPG. I have a dog that I love, and would easily die for without a second thought. I have family living nearby, that, while we don't agree religiously or politically most times, can all get along and enjoy holidays or get togethers.

      And yet, feel like I lied about my life just now.

      When I wake up, the first thought isn't that my dog is waking me up to go out, it is the feeling of the weight that merely existing seems to put on me. As I just stated earlier, my job is not the cause of stress, neither is housing, nor food, nor family. I have no reason to feel the way that I do.

      I've recently (in the last 6 months) started journaling, and the main theme that I have found is that I am constantly thankful for having everything that I do. And yet, tomorrow, when I open my eyes, either due to the alarm, or due to my dog waking me up to go outside, I will have a weight laying over my chest that I can only attribute to the fact that I still exist.

      I try to ignore the news (while staying informed enough to vote properly on candidates), I don't use social media except for Tildes and to share the once a week or two photo on Instagram, and I am both active physically, and creatively. None of this seems to remove the weight. I feel like I am either wasting my existence when I am consuming media, wasting my time attempting to create when others have voices or messages with stronger meaning, or wasting other's time when I hang around them.

      I have no right to complain about my life. Hell, two years ago I would have killed for what I have now. And, yet, I feel like I am wasting what I have been given. I am legitimately happiest sitting out in my backyard with my dog, either sipping a beer or just watching the stars. The issue is, that when I do, a weight slowly lays itself over me, one that I do not know the cause of, or reason for. A weight that I cannot shake, and can only attribute to simply existing.

      I would like so very much, even temporarily, to remove it.

      43 votes
    2. How to enforce documentation / file structure at an organization

      Hey Tildes, I work at an international company which, over the course of COVID, probably had a turnover rate of 80% over two-three years. This was less due to the company, and more due to the...

      Hey Tildes,

      I work at an international company which, over the course of COVID, probably had a turnover rate of 80% over two-three years. This was less due to the company, and more due to the incredibly restrictive COVID policies that the country we are located in tried to enforce. I was brought on in 2020, and due to the hemorrhaging of long term employees, a large gap in institutional knowledge was created.

      We aren't a tech company, and use Google Workspace/Drive for a lot of our storage and documentation. Within my department I recently put in a lot of effort to create a file organization structure and proper documentation so that we would no longer lose resources and knowledge when people left - and a main purpose was to make it as easy for people to use, cut down on work, find information faster, and provide an easy way to leave with a bunch of resources if they wanted to move to a different company (we aren't in a field where we really compete with others or would lose an intellectual property). It was received with a ton of positive feedback from my peers and direct superiors.

      This effort was recently noticed by management and I have been tasked with providing a rollout plan to get the entire organization on a similar structure with documentation processes for every department. My issue is, how does one enforce usage and standardization of documentation and following a certain file organizational structure? While I can think of a ton of ways to structure my process, communicate, and demonstrate the benefits to people, I know that there will be resistance (and in some cases, non-compliance) from staff. I am more than willing to work with them, provide training, and do a lot of the leg work myself, but I am wondering if anyone here has gone through something similar and has good strategies on what I can only describe as leading without authority.

      My initial plan was to use the results from my department to get the more enthusiastic departments on board first, and then hopefully good word will spread to help reduce friction with other departments that may be more resistance and not as technologically inclined. However, I know that no matter what I do, I will hit resistance at some point.

      The only two times I have had a similar task at a previous employer I had absolute full reign over everything, and it was a completely solo endeavour, or was working with such a small tight-knit group that I didn't have to worry about non-compliance. This is my first time working on such a project in a larger organization and could really use tips from others experience.

      I'm trying to not dox myself here - but hope I provided enough information to get some overall tips and comments.

      20 votes
    3. Going to Thanksgiving for the first time ever! What do I need to know?

      Being Danish I've never really had any reason to know anything about this holiday - all I know is cursory stuff from movies and whatever one might stumble upon on the internet. Something about...

      Being Danish I've never really had any reason to know anything about this holiday - all I know is cursory stuff from movies and whatever one might stumble upon on the internet. Something about pilgrims and eating and/or pardoning birds. But yeah my friend invited me for Thanksgiving because her wife is American and wants to celebrate. But I don't know what I've gotten myself into 😅

      There will be other expat Americans as well which makes me a little more nervous, so I'm hoping to learn a thing or two from you all on tildes so please give me any and all advice you can!

      I'm looking for general advice about it but I guess I have a couple of specific questions too. They are not very traditional people so it's not going to be formal, and they have called it both Thanksgiving and Friendsgiving - but is there any particular difference between the two? And my other question is what would be a good present for the hostesses - do guests usually give anything particular? Or will the usual flowers/wine kind of thing be okay?

      33 votes
    4. Researchers, how do you take notes on the papers which you read?

      I've been struggling with finding a good workflow for taking notes on the journal articles which I read. I collate articles using Zotero, yet its in-built notetaking features (and comment scraping...

      I've been struggling with finding a good workflow for taking notes on the journal articles which I read. I collate articles using Zotero, yet its in-built notetaking features (and comment scraping from PDFs) is quite poor. So, my alternative so far has been to write up notes by hand, but this is pretty cumbersome and makes it take some time to refer to my notes. My approach is clearly not effective!

      How do you take notes on the papers which you read? Do you prefer to use written notes, or do you type your notes? In any case, what is your preferred means of storing and categorising your notes? And are there particular software which you use, if you opt for typed notes? (At present, I use an A5 notebook. Yet, this is not alphabetised or organised by topic, which compounds my struggles.)

      25 votes
    5. I'm buying a new build house in the UK and want advice

      As the title says I'm a first time buyer buying a new build in the UK. It's built by the council and a reputable builders and has the standard warenty and such so I'm not too worried about quality...

      As the title says I'm a first time buyer buying a new build in the UK. It's built by the council and a reputable builders and has the standard warenty and such so I'm not too worried about quality but it's still a huge life change. I'm getting the keys and moving in in a fortnight. I don't have too much stuff to move in as I've been lodging for a while, lots of furniture to aquire! For those who've done this before, what did you wish you knew at the time and what should I look out for?

      14 votes
    6. How do I get better at expressing vulnerability?

      Hi my lovelies,, I've been having a hard time over the past few weeks because my life is pretty much a never-ending stream of problems and insecurities right now, most of which I cannot resolve...

      Hi my lovelies,,

      I've been having a hard time over the past few weeks because my life is pretty much a never-ending stream of problems and insecurities right now, most of which I cannot resolve for at least a few months. This has led me into a state of intense listlessness and unhappiness. I do not like being unhappy and have Officially Decided that I would like to be happy again. But I think I need some help getting there.

      Moving beyond the basic "I'm terribly lonely in this very unpleasant pandemic" stuff, my main issue is that I actually am not alone at all, at least physically or socially, I am just alone emotionally/spiritually. I live with a bunch of other people my age and certianly have opportunities for interactions (quite a few). I get dinner with some of my very favorite people every week (on Wednesday!!!!) and am kept on at least a slightly consistent social/exercise schedule with some of my other very favorite people every day. My issue is that in most or possibly all of these settings, there is something preventing me from totally relaxing. I can only talk about my surface-level problems, like "oh haha I'm so busy with class ahah lol joke" and not "my deepest darkest insecurities are clawing their way into my brain more intensely every day and I Cannot Stop Them." Its like I keep my little shield up the whole time and don't allow myself to be vulnerable. I suspect there are a few factors going on here:

      • I have several leadership positions, either formally or informally, and actually have a very difficult time not stumbling into them and accepting more responsibility in general. I think I have internalized the stoicism or steadfastness I try to exemplify in those positions, in my everyday life
      • I often (usually?) look like I have my shit together, even when I very much do not. My default way of existing is just pretty relaxed and I think people assume that means I have no stress in my life (false lol)
      • I like it when people think and say Good Things about me and not when they think and say Bad Things about me, and that includes their perceptions of me as someone who has their shit together all the time

      sooo the leadership thing is unfortunate because it means that kind ofa lot of people look up to me as a beacon of stability and idealness. I know this because I have been told it several times by several different people, and it's sort of obvious when people emulate your mannerisms or call you at 2 am because they're drunk and lost and need help. There is exactly a 0% chance that I will do anything other than express my normal "everything is going good" attitude when I am running a meeting or giving a presentation or whatever because doing so would signify "everything isNOT good" and therefore "oh no help where is my beacon of stability beezselzak ahhhhhhh" (we cannot have a crisis at the same time because I must be there to attend to their crisis whenever it happens. Part of the job) And also it would upset my narcissistic tendency toward being perfect always.

      Even when I'm with my friends, who I can be at least moderately normal around, I still find it very difficult to begin talking about anything that is rather Serious because it is much more pleasant to just talk about enjoyable things, and though I see these people on a regular basis, it is not ever for very much time, so I don't want to waste it. I would feel very awkward bringing up serious mental health problems at dinner. And also even though we're close friends there is still a little bit of an expectation to have your life under control? you know how it is. I have 2-3 people who are sort of individual confidants (about specific things), and there are occasions where we can have very insightful conversations. But it's hard because the covid makes getting together unrealistic and I find it very challenging to initiate Serious Conversations over the telephone. And even in person, I still think I have some barriers yet to break with them.

      The end result here is that I am kinda just walkin around every day with a lot of issues and nowhere to exactly put them, and everyone thinks it's all sunshine and roses and I really feed into that perception because it makes me feel good short-term (even though it makes me feel worse long-term). I have a therapist, but you know how that goes. It's not the same as talking to a peer, which is really where I'm stuck. So this is my question to the wise and learned gentlefolk of Tildes:

      How do I shed this annoying habit of trying to be perfect even when it's really not necessary and really not helpful? I know that there's a problem, I just can't give up my leadership positions (at least for now) and am having a hard time giving up my narcissism.

      and yes yes I do therapy and journaling and the mindful meditation and whatever, I am not interested in generic self-help advice. I'm more curious about your rituals, or forms of understanding that are personal to your struggles in regard to being vulnerable with friends, your SO, and people who look up to you. I'd like to learn more about how any of this might resonate with you, and then how you have dealt/would deal with it yourself. Because I am Young And Naive I think I lack most of the experiential knowledge about like, "how to exist," and I want to be able to take your ideas into account. Things that matter, things that really just don't matter, ways to conceptualize the self versus the great vast universe of possibility and collective individuality to ultimately be less concerned with perfection and the like. etc. Also I ought to teach some of these people how to be better at being independent functional humans and that is a little tricky when I am not one myself.

      xoxoxo
      beezselzak

      20 votes
    7. I just became a US citizen today

      I took the Oath to become an American citizen today, after having lived in the U.S. since I was a little girl. I'm glad to have finally done this, but I'm wondering on what to do next. Any and all...

      I took the Oath to become an American citizen today, after having lived in the U.S. since I was a little girl. I'm glad to have finally done this, but I'm wondering on what to do next.

      Any and all advice would be greatly appreciated.

      44 votes
    8. How do you buy a car?

      How do you decide which kind of car you want? How do you prioritize what you're looking for? How do you know if you'll like it or not? Bonus points for tips on selecting a car your spouse will...
      • How do you decide which kind of car you want?

        • How do you prioritize what you're looking for?
        • How do you know if you'll like it or not?
        • Bonus points for tips on selecting a car your spouse will like as well.
      • Why do you pick new/used?

      • How do you negotiate the price of the car?

      14 votes
    9. How can I converse with my 4-year-old nephew/godson who lives in another continent?

      I am, by all definitions, a strong introvert. Communication is an issue with people that are physically close, let alone on Skype video calls. When my sister got pregnant, I claimed the godfather...

      I am, by all definitions, a strong introvert. Communication is an issue with people that are physically close, let alone on Skype video calls. When my sister got pregnant, I claimed the godfather position. She was very happy. We're not even Catholics anymore, but we come from a Catholic background and it's tradition.

      She's bringing the kid to get baptized next month. Last time he was here, 2 years+ ago, I was able to "talk" to him and we even became "friends" (he was 1-years-old, so probably forgot about me by now). I have trouble Skyping with him (and everyone else for that matter). Every once in a while my mother asks me I want to get distant from my sister, and this causes some distress. It's not like I want to create a situation. My father is a lot like me in that regard, and it doesn't really bother me that it takes a few months for him to talk to me (I'm 99% sure I'm in the spectrum, not so sure about him). He showed me his affection multiple times before, on his own way.

      I'm aware not everyone is like me, and want to be more online-present for my godson and my sister. This may seem silly to some people, but it's hard to start or keep up with a conversation. I cannot talk about any subject, and silence is preferable to conversation for the sake of conversation.

      But in this situation, I must give space to his infant world, which obviously does not include my grown-up interests. I don't know how to proceed from that understanding. I actually like the kid, we had great "conversations" when my sister last visited. But it's been really hard to keep an online presence. And I think I should.

      22 votes
    10. A PV Solar company wants to build a PV farm on our land. I am not sure what to do.

      My dad died a couple years ago and I inherited a farm in the central EU. Some of the land is farm land, some zoned residential. My plan was to rent this house out Airbnb style. The surroundings...

      My dad died a couple years ago and I inherited a farm in the central EU. Some of the land is farm land, some zoned residential. My plan was to rent this house out Airbnb style. The surroundings are very pastural. This is the appeal for “agro-tourism.” We are also very close to ski resorts.

      My farm plot is the smallest of all the neighbors, but it is dead center in the planned farm. They want a 30 year lease for our land. One neighbor has already agreed. They are offering about $2500/hectare/year.

      My neighbors are actually farmers, and to them this is a big chunk of money. Especially as they have 10+ hectares each, I only have 1.25. For me the money is less than one month’s salary and is not that appealing. Also, this is about 15% of what I expected to make off of the Airbnb which would pay for my retirement. Yes, this is a privileged position.

      1. I don’t know what questions to ask in negotiations. One thing I verified is that inflation is included, year after year. What else?
        Note: Yes I will have a lawyer look at this, but honestly this is the first thing of its kind in our area.

      2. If you were renting out a house in ski-resort/farm country, would you care if there were a bunch solar panels in the fields instead of farm land? Would you like it more, or less?
        Note: I can upload photos or video to give you an idea of the area.

      3. Will this raise or lower the value of my home for resale?

      4. Any other general thoughts?

      Thanks!

      Edit: I should add that I am super-anti CO2, so my default position is “hell yes!” But I am just trying to be pragmatic about this. Of note is that this is the first time in my life I am experiencing a bit of NIMBY-ism. Also, I am extremely thankful for this opportunity.

      15 votes
    11. How do you meet people?

      I've been feeling lonely for quite a while now.. Sometimes I strike a conversation with someone seemingly randomly because I wonder who they are, what they're doing here but I always feel like I'm...

      I've been feeling lonely for quite a while now..

      Sometimes I strike a conversation with someone seemingly randomly because I wonder who they are, what they're doing here but I always feel like I'm doing something wrong, like, I shouldn't be doing this, I feel kind of.. creepy, awkward. I've only been able to do this online because in real life, I just freeze and my mind just races with stress and I just give up and just decided overtime to not attempt that and avoid it.

      So well, I'm just left wondering, how? How are you supposed to meet new people?

      32 votes
    12. Hello everyone! Has anyone here had the experience of emigrating from your home country to a new one?

      Hi I am 23 year old and I want leave my country. I hold work visa for Canada. I am convinced that I should leave my country due to political changes happening in my country. What was it like for...

      Hi I am 23 year old and I want leave my country. I hold work visa for Canada. I am convinced that I should leave my country due to political changes happening in my country. What was it like for you? And especially how was it like when you emigrated to a country when you was adult?

      15 votes
    13. How do you make yourself appear more approachable?

      My face is slightly asymmetrical, and one side of my lip points up, so it looks like I am smirking at people. At least, this is my theory as to why people feel uncomfortable around me without...

      My face is slightly asymmetrical, and one side of my lip points up, so it looks like I am smirking at people. At least, this is my theory as to why people feel uncomfortable around me without getting to know me first. But maybe it's something else entirely, or a combination. How can I make myself more approachable / likable? My work is in a field where I need to communicate with others often.

      The idea of faking smiles and acting overly friendly pains me, but if it's the only way I'll do it.

      26 votes
    14. Passion, direction, inspiration : How do you rediscover it?

      I'm stuck in a rut. What do you do to get out? How do you rediscover something that inspires you? Or something that you can be passionate about? I've got a handful of "projects" on the go at all...

      I'm stuck in a rut.

      What do you do to get out? How do you rediscover something that inspires you? Or something that you can be passionate about?

      I've got a handful of "projects" on the go at all times - writing some music, getting better at the sport I play, learn a new language for work, do some "proper" research. But they all sort of sit there looking tedious on my whiteboard. I'm just not passionate about any of them really (except maybe the sport, but I'm approaching 40 so it's not like I'm on the verge of setting the world on fire with it!).

      What do you do to rediscover your inspiration? What has worked for you?

      15 votes
    15. What are some ways to be a more ethical consumer?

      This is a broad question, but I don't really want to narrow it down because I feel like we see unethical issues across so many industries. I want to be able to buy clothes knowing that I'm not...

      This is a broad question, but I don't really want to narrow it down because I feel like we see unethical issues across so many industries. I want to be able to buy clothes knowing that I'm not supporting child/slave labor just as I want to be able to buy a videogame knowing that the people who created it had time to go home to their families each night. And if the clothes were made with child labor and the game did have a horrible development crunch? Well, those aren't places I want to put my money, even if I'm interested in the product.

      Price and convenience used to be the kings of my spending habits, and I was solely interested in products on my own terms. I have no doubt that I have bought many items that have supported the suffering of others. Now, I am much more concerned with a product as it exists in context, and I'm willing to pay more for companies that do things "right." The problem is that this context isn't always available. Most companies are not exactly upfront with their shady practices, after all. How do I know if, say, the bluetooth speaker, quinoa, or dinnerware that I'm looking at was responsibly produced?

      What are some ways can I make more informed decisions about what I choose to buy so that I can lessen harm (be it personal, environmental, or otherwise)?

      How can I find out which companies support practices that are in line with my values? If anyone has any insight into particular industries, that would be especially valuable.

      10 votes
    16. How do I move past nihilistic depression?

      Nothing really matters and I can't enjoy anything anymore knowing that. Games are not that fun anymore, talking to people is boring, we are basically waiting for death and I can't enjoy myself or...

      Nothing really matters and I can't enjoy anything anymore knowing that. Games are not that fun anymore, talking to people is boring, we are basically waiting for death and I can't enjoy myself or will myself to work on anything anymore... How do I move past that?

      26 votes