Gaywallet's recent activity
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Comment on What does emotionally mature comedy look like to you? in ~movies
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Comment on That dropped call with customer service? It was on purpose. (gifted link) in ~life
Gaywallet Link ParentOne of the most salient and annoying sludges I ever experienced was doordash support. There was an issue with my account where the credits they gave me for a failed delivery somehow broke the...Do you have any personal anecdotes about sludge?
One of the most salient and annoying sludges I ever experienced was doordash support. There was an issue with my account where the credits they gave me for a failed delivery somehow broke the ability for it to process payment (the total credits exceeded the cost of any reasonable single meal). No amount of adding different cards would fix it. There is a second line of service which supports via email, but they do not keep on the same ticket, it goes back to an inbox which multiple people see and every single reply was from a different support person. In addition to changing the support person each reply, they are clearly incentivized to reply quickly, rather than thoroughly. I say this because I would get the same questions, for which my reply would be “please see the full email chain which is included, this question was asked by <representative> and the answer is in the reply”. I got stuck in an endless loop of this before I decided to just entirely give up on the app. There is no number you can call, there is no way to get a person who will read through the entire email to understand the problem and troubleshooting steps taken. It was hostile by design, and designed to make you go away.
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Comment on That dropped call with customer service? It was on purpose. (gifted link) in ~life
Gaywallet Link ParentI have also found this tactic to work reasonably well, however, systems are getting increasingly hostile and unfortunately even this doesn't work great for systems by which phone calls are the...I have also found this tactic to work reasonably well, however, systems are getting increasingly hostile and unfortunately even this doesn't work great for systems by which phone calls are the only way to get things moving. I remember recently a string of phone calls where I documented who I had spoken with and when to get something resolved, and let me tell you when you start your call off with 5 minutes of an explanation, it rarely goes anywhere (you're already destroying their metrics and more likely to get sent off into the ether of some vague "we'll get back to you" or "wait for a phone call" or what have you).
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That dropped call with customer service? It was on purpose. (gifted link)
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Comment on The high cost of being low maintenance in ~health.mental
Gaywallet Link ParentI understand where you are coming from, but in short I think I simply disagree with the idea that one shouldn't share problems which have no apparent or clear solution. Aside from the possibility...I understand where you are coming from, but in short I think I simply disagree with the idea that one shouldn't share problems which have no apparent or clear solution. Aside from the possibility of brainstorming with direct reports (if this makes sense for the problem), transparency into an issue which has no clear solution is important for building trust and transparency. If I have a project which requires a roadblock to be cleared, for example, and my boss is encountering a political problem or roadblock that they do not have a plan to solve, I would argue that it is vitally important that I understand this.
I absolutely agree that some issues are not appropriate to discuss in certain forums (employee A/B interaction). It is definitely an important distinction to bring up. Anything HR related and anything told in confidence really shouldn't be discussed openly, but only with the directly affected individuals.
It’s better for your focus to just not see those problems at all, but for that to be effective, the leader needs to handle the responsibilities well without you knowing.
I strongly disagree. There is a balance, of course, but if it is always invisible I have no way to be grateful and I have no capacity to build trust with the person doing this work. But perhaps I am unlike the employees that you've had, that I do not view any of this as a split of my focus. I have never viewed these as a distraction from my work and I've never viewed these issues as causing any anxiety to me either. In my experience as well, there's been a reasonable number of these issues where I was able to provide emotional support for my boss (venting), a solution or possible path which had not been considered, or in some cases provide vital context which can inform possible actions. Even when I am unable to provide any actionable or useful input, I view it as vital to building trust with my manager, as it is them explicitly involving me in difficult conversations, asking for my opinion, or otherwise showing some level of vulnerability. These discussions demonstrate that my boss values my opinion and thoughts and being transparent with me - all things I desire out of management.
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Comment on The high cost of being low maintenance in ~health.mental
Gaywallet Link ParentIt's interesting that this is your take, because I strongly feel quite the opposite when my leaders appear to be infallible. I am acutely aware of politics and problems in the workplace and when...People want to feel secure in their leaders, which often means not showing weakness.
It's interesting that this is your take, because I strongly feel quite the opposite when my leaders appear to be infallible. I am acutely aware of politics and problems in the workplace and when my leaders hide these from me I begin to doubt their competence and ability to read the political climate at work. This makes me worry about the department as a whole because I have no way to assess if they can foresee political barriers and problems. I also feel like the manager is not trusting of me and my peers if they are unwilling to share some of the issues they are encountering. I do believe that there is an appropriate balance - I don't need to know all the inner workings of what is going on in the company, but when the politics are appropriate it is important for me to get a high level summary of what is going on. Some of the information can be withheld as simply not being important or directly relevant to me at that point in time, such as some minor political quibble which will likely be resolved shortly. But patterns in behavior and major roadblocks need to be surfaced in order for me to have confidence in those who are leading. For the current company I work in, I also have a wealth of institutional knowledge when it comes to politics due to my long tenure, and may be able to resolve or help with political problems that are above my head because I have insider knowledge of the history of how departments have interacted and insight into the desires and need of certain key political players.
I think some of that has to do with my own personality and belief system, however. I strongly believe that anyone who has been bestowed authority needs to respect the source of that authority - the very people they direct. Any leader who dictates their own positions and ignores the voices of those for whom the decrees directly affect is a leader who is ignoring their responsibility. I am extremely wary of leaders without a sense of responsibility as it is an indicator, especially in the corporate realm, that they will both make my job more annoying (by ignoring my professional opinion or by micromanaging my work) and increase the risk of layoffs or being targeted (more likely to point fingers than take responsibility for failures, less likely to correctly read political situations and paint a target on the departments back, and more likely to create political enemies by being less political in their decisions).
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Comment on The high cost of being low maintenance in ~health.mental
Gaywallet Link ParentApologies, I got lost early in the article when she talked about the gendered differences and apparently misread it. I have updated my post to use the correct pronouns (I think... I'm a bit tired...Apologies, I got lost early in the article when she talked about the gendered differences and apparently misread it. I have updated my post to use the correct pronouns (I think... I'm a bit tired after all the partying this weekend)
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Comment on The high cost of being low maintenance in ~health.mental
Gaywallet (edited )LinkI love so much about this, and yet so much of it misses the mark for me. I think, perhaps, that is because so much is written from a definitive point of view - it's what's true for her, which is...- Exemplary
I love so much about this, and yet so much of it misses the mark for me. I think, perhaps, that is because so much is written from a definitive point of view - it's what's true for her, which is important reflection, but it's served to the audience through a lens which frames it as the definitive truth. I think it would benefit the author to take a step back from herself when looking more broadly at the patterns she sees and question how others who share the trait of 'low maintenance' might approach and think about similar situations.
For example, right at the beginning she talks about a specific background that lead to her being the way she is. I resonated strongly with that background, with a few additional life-defining moments which lead me to realize that I need to be self-sufficient because help was not at my finger tips and when I asked for it from those who were capable they often focused on themselves instead of helping me. In the next paragraph she immediately jumps into a set of questions that I almost never ask myself, however, as there are ways of asking for help which can negate or discourage some of these ideas. I'm almost never worried about whether it will make me seem incapable, for example, because I am either upfront about said incapability (asking while I'm in the active process of learning a new skill) or I ask the question after explicitly framing what I've tried or my thought process to show competence as well as head-off simple answers or troubleshooting I've already completed.
The reasoning behind why I often don't ask for help and self-identify as low maintenance has more to do with respecting the time and energy of others for me. There's also a strong component of self sufficiency being a virtue I hold (I derive satisfaction out of knowing I can accomplish things by myself, if needed) and one of centering and valuing learning and knowing things about the world as well as prioritizing and centering the satisfaction of completing and doing things. This particular framing, however, even when combined with the author's, would still be not enough to explain the plethora of people from different walks of life who are low maintenance. I have known folks who are low maintenance because the very act of asking for help is anxiety inducing itself, even when the other person has explicitly made it clear that they are available for help. While this is explored somewhat when they talk about their perceived confidence and inconveniencing others, they do not explore it through the lens of emotional management which is centered on the self or through the lens of social anxiety.
One other aspect I wish the author had spent more time on, is the view from the other side of the lens. They briefly examine this when they consider how another felt that they hadn't asked them for help, but they don't dive particularly deep. She frames it as though the other person has perceived her as not trusting them, but I suspect there's more emotions at play. Because it's not only about trust, it's about the validation of completing tasks that they are withholding from another by not delegating. It's about the connection that she fails to grow with another because they are not brought into the circle. It's about not being given the opportunity to carry and contribute and how that effects the emotions of others. If she derives satisfaction when others ask her for help, she should consider that the same is likely true of others and by not asking them for help she is depriving others of this satisfaction. This can lead a relationship to feel very one sided as this benefit is withheld from another.
This outward facing reflection is what I was hoping this article would do a lot more. I had originally hoped the article was about more personal relationships, as "low maintenance" is something that I associate with romantic and sexual partners more than I do those in business. It is in this realm that I personally have struggled and suffered on account of my low maintenance and highly self sufficient tendencies. I have had countless partners worry about my relationship with them because I was rarely asking anything from them. I would hold space for emotions and help them process difficult issues and while I would often ask the same of them, because I had already done my own self reflection and processing I would come to them in a much more calm and collected state and thus the issues would seem less pressing or less like I was seeking their advice and emotional comfort. I've also struggled with people perceiving me as less invested in the relationship because I'm not enmeshing my life with theirs or depending on the partner to get needs met - my self sufficiency is seen as low engagement because enmeshment and dependency are often viewed through a romantic lens. After all, how can one feel desired if another asks so little of you? Even when one frames it as a soft ask "it would be nice if", or expresses their joy "I really like it when", it is easy to overlook these as asks when others demand or show strong emotions when their asks are denied.
I am happy, however, to read any musings on the pros and cons of self sufficiency and being low maintenance, as it's not a philosophical area I have seen much writing on. Perhaps ironically, those who are the most affected by this may feel less inclined to write about it because they have already figured out what works well for them and may not feel particularly inspired to share or work through their own emotions and framing on the subject. It is an interesting and salient subject to reflect upon and prior to this article not one I had considered in a corporate context. I have often throughout my career been told that I can come off as intimidating to others. This is often juxtaposed with praises of my own competency and deep thought. I think both of these are a reflection of self-sufficiency and that the intimidation is a side effect of asking for so little of others. What's ironic, perhaps, is that I have learned to tap into this in the corporate world as a means by which to ingratiate others and build rapport; I learned to ask those above me questions which I already knew the answer to in order to help them to feel both smart and useful and in order for them to start viewing me in a positive light as I came to them and not others for advice. What I have not learned yet, and this article has opened my eyes to is that I need to apply this to others below me to inoculate against intimidation - if I ask them for more help it can help to show them that I am also human and that I do not know everything in a way that simply stating those facts can't quite get across.
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With their rights in peril, US LGBTQ+ comedians are using humor to dilute fear
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There’s a drop in worldwide LGBTQ+ support. One group is largely to blame.
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Comment on US Supreme Court upholds Tennessee ban on youth gender-affirming care in ~lgbt
Gaywallet Link ParentNYT has been running anti-trans pieces for quite some time, and the fact that they are talking about the Cass review, which is widely discredited by academics, as "sending shock waves" is...NYT has been running anti-trans pieces for quite some time, and the fact that they are talking about the Cass review, which is widely discredited by academics, as "sending shock waves" is nonsense. Frankly speaking, why should anyone bother reading this?
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Comment on US Supreme Court upholds Tennessee ban on youth gender-affirming care in ~lgbt
Gaywallet Link ParentThe supreme court does not care about what is scientifically sound or not when it comes to party issues. Over the years the supreme court has simply become more and more politically motivated, and...The supreme court does not care about what is scientifically sound or not when it comes to party issues. Over the years the supreme court has simply become more and more politically motivated, and that political slant has only increased exponentially in the last decade.
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US Supreme Court upholds Tennessee ban on youth gender-affirming care
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Comment on Change in US Veterans Affairs rules allows discrimination based on politics or marital status in ~society
Gaywallet Link ParentIt's worse than that, not receiving care can mean months of waiting to get care from someone else. In those months a disease state may get worse, or have other adverse outcomes. Or if they are...I've heard the VA is more understaffed than ever, so if one employee refuses to provide care, that patient may just be out of luck. Especially if potential staff are refused jobs for holding the same beliefs, etc.
It's worse than that, not receiving care can mean months of waiting to get care from someone else. In those months a disease state may get worse, or have other adverse outcomes. Or if they are particularly malicious, they can "provide care" by rejecting a diagnosis or otherwise preventing someone from reaching the medical care they need while simultaneously making it more difficult to get said care - it may be outright rejected because a care provider deemed it unnecessary or they may need to restart the process of reaching a specialist or trying to get a diagnosis or medication or anything else that requires a step-wise process of gatekeeping.
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Change in US Veterans Affairs rules allows discrimination based on politics or marital status
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Comment on Donald Trump taps Palantir to create master database on every American in ~society
Gaywallet Link ParentYes, everyone is in the pocket of capitalism and subject to donations changing their vote. But to claim the two parties are the same in how they approach this issue ignores platform and messaging....The dems are just as willing to pass laws, cash checks, and allow things though that are objectively awful practices. This is 100% a both sides issue because they both gladly take donations from the lunatics pushing this nonsense and the average consumer still hasn't learned the hard way just how dangerous this is.
Yes, everyone is in the pocket of capitalism and subject to donations changing their vote. But to claim the two parties are the same in how they approach this issue ignores platform and messaging. It also ignores that there is a significant difference between selling out specific kinds of privacy to a wholesale invasion like this. But all in all I agree with you that both parties have been terrible on privacy issues... this is just a huge escalation of what they've been collecting (or at least, publicly declaring they are collecting).
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Comment on Donald Trump taps Palantir to create master database on every American in ~society
Gaywallet Link ParentAnd it bothers me for exactly the opposite reason, that the people who are going to be 100% on board and claim it's needed today, are exactly the people who would be railing against this if...It bothers me because if this was done under a different president for supposedly different reasons so many of the people who are going to rail against this would be 100% on board and claim that it's needed.
And it bothers me for exactly the opposite reason, that the people who are going to be 100% on board and claim it's needed today, are exactly the people who would be railing against this if another president did this for supposedly different reasons.
Privacy needs to be assumed because you don't know who's going to get the keys down the road. You can't just be for people snooping through your shit if they've got the letter for their party.
I'm in complete agreement, but the party which is usually associated with a hard-line stance on personal liberties and absolute privacy (often stretching this idea to apply to governmental oversight of any sort in order to prevent regulation) is precisely the party which is currently in charge and apparently wants a big brother state.
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Comment on Donald Trump taps Palantir to create master database on every American in ~society
Gaywallet Link ParentWe have already seen peaceful protests in the millions. They do not care. Fascism only speaks in the language of violence.We have already seen peaceful protests in the millions. They do not care. Fascism only speaks in the language of violence.
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Donald Trump taps Palantir to create master database on every American
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Comment on How does collecting differ psychologically from hoarding? in ~life
Gaywallet Link Parentah yep, that looks more or less like what I thought it might!ah yep, that looks more or less like what I thought it might!
It also has some of the best costume design I've seen in any movie. Cannot recommend this movie enough, it's fantastic.