DrEvergreen's recent activity
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Comment on Toyota’s bet on hybrids was mocked, then vindicated. Now it’s trying to repeat the trick with an unlikely bet on the combustion engine. in ~transport
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Comment on How does one engage in criticism of Israel without stooping to anti-semitic tropes? in ~talk
DrEvergreen Link ParentKeep in mind that there have been documentaries through the years showcasing how (religious) youth groups have sometimes been intentionally, even if in good faith, been taught about how to argue...Keep in mind that there have been documentaries through the years showcasing how (religious) youth groups have sometimes been intentionally, even if in good faith, been taught about how to argue for the case of "Israel" in ways I would call zionist propaganda ways. Because youth are online, energetic, and make for a formidable force.
Don't confuse online presence with presence in real life. Even if it heavily influences people, the simple act of reminding people that "online" isn't real life is often helpful. And that we shouldn't take everything we read there as proof that most people hold the same views in real life. Most people actually don't spend time online in this way.
I do realise that there is actually a lot of sway coming from the online discourse, but this is one argument I have found that often helps cut through people's intense opinions to sometimes reach a more nuanced perspective.
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Comment on Watching my female tenant's life come apart - a dilemma in ~life.women
DrEvergreen LinkThe best you can do is be open to alternative arrangements that help tide her over if he needs to go. Very often, the financial burden of living on your own stops women from fully separating from...- Exemplary
The best you can do is be open to alternative arrangements that help tide her over if he needs to go. Very often, the financial burden of living on your own stops women from fully separating from an abuser. If you have other places for cheaper or you are able to let her stay on her own for a while for a lower rent, then say so if it comes up. Just don't suggest it out of the blue because she will tell him, and he might convince her to "fake a breakup" to get lower rent.
Abused people, especially abused women, are usually brainwashed to be incredibly loyal to their abuser. This kind of situation rarely happens without her having had less than ideal role models from home as well, and you should just assume that everything you tell her will reach his ears.
As someone that has been both in such a relationship, and supported others while they figured out that they needed to leave, and even supported them while choosing to stay for a while due to circumstances making it even worse if they left (yes, there are so many ways in which it can be better to intentionally stay and pretend like nothing has changed):
You can't make a difference, so don't try as it will only backfire. Make sure that whatever dealings you have with them are in front of both of them so that he can't claim you say this or that to make her feel even more disempowered.
You can make a difference if she seems open to hearing what you have to say. But don't expect to make much of a difference.
Treating her with respect and as if she has dignity is important. Even if you know what he does. People so often treat victims as if they are sorry little creatures, and while it may feel like it helps, it only furthers the abusers behaviours by not treating adults like the adults they are. Not saying to be harsh or mean, just standard respect and politeness.
Get support for your own sake. Seconhand trauma is very, very real. Please do not dismiss it as "it's not happening to me, so my emotional stress isn't important here". Very often, being an onlooker causes more distress in many ways. You are not even the person it is happening to, you are also somewhat powerless to help unless you get invited to do so in some way. The powerlessness is a shortcut to emotional stress, sometimes even traumatic responses.
Keep logging all the events, keep copies of all communication, keep being the no-bullshit older voice. Try to keep communication written when possible, always CC both of their private emails if possible.
You can't really do much unless you are invited to do so. But simply by being rational and no nonsense, you are making an impression. Someone standing up to the smooth talker by saying something as little as. "No, it's not." at the right time without elaborating can mean the world to a victim. This kind of personality makes most people repulsed, and so the only thing a victim sees is often that nobody else really minds what is being said and done. Nobody says anything, everybody goes along with it. Because the only people that feel okay to hang around overtly abusive people will be very okay with such behaviour. A victim will literally only see that "everyone is okay with it, nobody speaks up".
Making a huge fuss only makes you look just as dramatic as the abusive person. So keeping it simple and short is often a small seed on normality that can grow in their minds over time.
While I don't want to victim blame, she could also be a part of what is going on, be it intentionally or unintentionally. Victims often have behaviours that serve to protect them in some way in abusive situations but are actually really weird or wrong for most normal people. You won't neccessarily know just from looking at it from the outside.
Keep focusing on what is important: This behaviour isn't okay, isn't normal, and will eventually be grounds for terminating the lease. You are just the landlord, and your role here is only to be the landlord. A humane and empathetic one maybe, but landlord nonetheless.
Get support. Talk to someone in real life. Don't carry this story alone. This is bringing up experiences from the past, on top of being inherently painful in itself too.
I am sorry you are having to deal with this, but take it from someone that was in a relationship like that for many years: You are dealing with something so different from normal life that easy quick-fixes do not exist, and you are mostly powerless to do much at all except be helpful if you are asked to be.
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Comment on Blacksmiths are reconstructing a Viking ship to better understand the secrets of the navigation of Scandinavian warriors a thousand years ago in ~humanities.history
DrEvergreen Link ParentThere have been ships built using original techniques already, as far as I am aware. There is something to be said for the value in doing it yourself though. Even if someone else did it at another...There have been ships built using original techniques already, as far as I am aware.
There is something to be said for the value in doing it yourself though. Even if someone else did it at another time, that's not the same as you getting personal experience with doing so, and that can spark understanding and insight that simply reading about someone else's work never can.
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Comment on My birthday gangbang in ~life
DrEvergreen Link ParentThe shape of the glans doesn't automatically make it so that gangbangs make sense. It is more likely in my opinion that we have been the way we are now for a long time. That "sneaking one in"...The shape of the glans doesn't automatically make it so that gangbangs make sense.
It is more likely in my opinion that we have been the way we are now for a long time. That "sneaking one in" despite not being the head honcho of the group of apes, or the dedicated partner to the individual female still leaves you with better chances of your dna being passed on if you "scoop out" what was left there from before.
Or it could be completely random and just a byproduct of some early mutation.
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Comment on 3D printing - A beginner's observations and some practical applications in ~creative
DrEvergreen Link ParentWow! I wish my grandfather was still alive, he would have loved this!! He knew how to play those big, massive accoriands. All by ear, or by watching others and learning by heart when younger....Wow! I wish my grandfather was still alive, he would have loved this!! He knew how to play those big, massive accoriands. All by ear, or by watching others and learning by heart when younger. Started young and never learned "the proper way" - but was a damn good player.
This, this makes me realise we really do live in the future. I suppose any moment in history is always the future at that particular time. It just hits harder sometimes you know? :D
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Comment on UK Prime Minister Rishi Sunak announces a 4th July general election in ~news
DrEvergreen Link ParentIt doesn't lead to worse outcomes for those in power. They get better results, already using private services as it is and now their friends and their shares are worth more money. For those in...It doesn't lead to worse outcomes for those in power. They get better results, already using private services as it is and now their friends and their shares are worth more money. For those in power, this is a win-win.
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Comment on Fecal microbiota transplant: Inside the black market for human poop in ~health
DrEvergreen Link ParentThis is so interesting. I remember several people in my extended network talking about non-woo-woo reasons for why they thought there was a connection between their guts and their autism symptoms,...This is so interesting. I remember several people in my extended network talking about non-woo-woo reasons for why they thought there was a connection between their guts and their autism symptoms, or how it showed up in their kids. That was over two decades ago.
Their experiences seemed valid, it was just a matter of figuring out the why of the matter. Not easy without access to medicial equipment and opportunities to conduct studies.
Seeing that it has moved forward by quite a lot, including finding real and tangible connections between experiences and hard data is great! Thank you so much for sharing this! Off I go to read more about this!
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Comment on Why do the English love non-League football? in ~sports.football
DrEvergreen Link ParentIt is likely to do with construction. England usually builds with brick and stone. Even a basic building will be more sturdy for longer than with wooden construction that is very vulnerable to...It is likely to do with construction. England usually builds with brick and stone. Even a basic building will be more sturdy for longer than with wooden construction that is very vulnerable to moisture and rot if not maintained.
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Comment on Are there any affordable digital compact cameras out there with a zoom lens? in ~tech
DrEvergreen LinkYou have some extensive answers here, so I figure I'll throw in my 2 cents: Look for superzoom cameras. That is the term for cameras with fancy lenses without all the super-duper complicated inner...You have some extensive answers here, so I figure I'll throw in my 2 cents:
Look for superzoom cameras.
That is the term for cameras with fancy lenses without all the super-duper complicated inner machinery. Had the same question some years back and asked a photographer friend of mine, and this was their reply.
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Comment on My boss is being accused of sexual misconduct and I don't know what to do in ~life
DrEvergreen Linkhttps://pervocracy.blogspot.com/2012/06/missing-stair.html I think this post might help you find definitions and words to put to your experiences and thoughts about this. It is about how people...https://pervocracy.blogspot.com/2012/06/missing-stair.html
I think this post might help you find definitions and words to put to your experiences and thoughts about this.
It is about how people that commit these types of acts all to often are treated like a missing stair in a staircase, in a place that most people know well. The group often decides to not "fix the stair" but just jump around it for convenience's sake. Then someone else shows up, they don't know about the dodgy stair and step through it. What very often happens is that they are told they should have been more careful, nobody else is getting hurt like that. Or the group makes sure to always warn newcomers about the broken stair. Lots and lots of effort go into avoiding dealing with the broken stair, rather than fixing the problem by removing it and fixing it.
Very good read.
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Comment on My boss is being accused of sexual misconduct and I don't know what to do in ~life
DrEvergreen Link ParentThere is a high prevalence of abusive people in jobs and positions that let them prove to the world how unabusive they are. Virtue signalling is very real, unfortunately. I will just repeat what I...There is a high prevalence of abusive people in jobs and positions that let them prove to the world how unabusive they are. Virtue signalling is very real, unfortunately. I will just repeat what I wrote in a different reply:
Predators don't just groom their victims, but their chosen character witnesses.
All we can do is be our best selves, but also be able to acknowledge that some people are just wired differently and if proof of that shows up, we withdraw our trust in them from that point onwards. It's not on us to suspect everyone else of being bad just because some people are. It is on us to move on in life away from someone that has proven themselves to not be trustworthy.
A whole lot of people are very believeable. But if there is actual proof that they aren't trustworthy, then we withdraw our trust. Doesn't matter if they seem so believable if hard facts say they aren't. Then we do like you have done here; seek council and support from others to deal with our own grief and/or discomfort.
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Comment on My boss is being accused of sexual misconduct and I don't know what to do in ~life
DrEvergreen Link ParentPlease know that predators don't just groom their victims, but also their chosen character witnesses. They'll be a reasonable person that admits fault, shows humility, shows empathy and insight...Please know that predators don't just groom their victims, but also their chosen character witnesses.
They'll be a reasonable person that admits fault, shows humility, shows empathy and insight into others, all of that.
This is how you can tell that this was deliberate, given that you've seen proof. Since they do know how to not act like this. Yet they chose to.
Some people are just differently wired than others. In my younger years I often tried understanding how they ended up like that. These days I just shrug my shoulders and don't care. I care more about how they do know how to behave, but choose to go after a person here and there that they think (often correctly) they can get away with harassing.
If they didn't know what they were doing was wrong, how did they know what to hide? That's a sentiment that's stuck with me ever since I heard it. Applies to all kinds of abuse.
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Comment on Easy mode is actually for adults in ~games
DrEvergreen Link ParentIt depends entirely on what type of game we're talking about. FPS against other players? Games that require precise combinations or fast-paced sequences of buttons in a very short time-frame, but...It depends entirely on what type of game we're talking about. FPS against other players? Games that require precise combinations or fast-paced sequences of buttons in a very short time-frame, but those combos change depending on situation? I struggle a lot more now than when I was in my teens or early 20s. Especially if I am switching between different games in just a few days. Muscle memory doesn't happen as fast or switch over as easily anymore.
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Comment on Apparently I'm autistic? in ~health.mental
DrEvergreen Link ParentI love your musings. Not always aligning with my opinions, but enlightening and I see where you're coming from! I will say though that neurotypical means "typical and average neurofunctionin" -...I love your musings. Not always aligning with my opinions, but enlightening and I see where you're coming from!
I will say though that neurotypical means "typical and average neurofunctionin" - don't let the overprevalence of ADHD and autistic people online using this as a buzzword convince you otherwise.
Some 1 in 4 people will experience a period of depression throughout their lives, for example. I would classify that as within the neurotypical experience. Note the term "period of" being different from chronic. Losing a loved one for example, often causes a period of deep depression and grief. This is normal and typical.
It is important to be aware of how us with ADHD and/or autism is extremely overrepresented online, and also in the current entertainment industry (content makers) as we often have a way about us that grabs people's attention, and/or cater to very specific interests with a great deal of intensity.
That doesn't mean everything we take on as buzzwords is actually seen that way by most people outside of online areas.
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Comment on What surprised you the most about becoming a father? in ~life.men
DrEvergreen Link ParentAre you having snacks inbetween? Low blood sugar levels often show up as grumpiness and an inability to "get over it". A.k.a. finding a better mood again. When I realised I needed a couple of...Are you having snacks inbetween? Low blood sugar levels often show up as grumpiness and an inability to "get over it". A.k.a. finding a better mood again.
When I realised I needed a couple of bisquits or a fruit here and there myself and started having snacks when I would feed the kids, life was suddenly so much less about holding back my own irritability.
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Comment on What surprised you the most about becoming a father? in ~life.men
DrEvergreen Link ParentI believe there to be a whole lot of instincts flaring up when it comes to the newborn smell. It is unique for sure, and there is a general element that is the same with all babies, sure, but my...I believe there to be a whole lot of instincts flaring up when it comes to the newborn smell. It is unique for sure, and there is a general element that is the same with all babies, sure, but my own was different to me.
I see this as nothing more than the same instincts that other animals have.
To me, this is not making it less special, but more. The fact that even without words, without intellectualism, without anything at all to understand it by, we still are deeply attached to our own children.
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Comment on Game recommendations, specifically in ~games
DrEvergreen Link ParentIf you have a Netflix account, this game can be downloaded for mobile through Netflix's publisher page on both android and iphone. Free as long as you have a netflix login.If you have a Netflix account, this game can be downloaded for mobile through Netflix's publisher page on both android and iphone. Free as long as you have a netflix login.
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Comment on What did you change your mind about this year? in ~talk
DrEvergreen Link ParentIf you want the flavour of certain liquers without the alcohol, there's always the option of putting in a few drops of drink mix liquids or other kinds of concentrate. Rum is a much used...If you want the flavour of certain liquers without the alcohol, there's always the option of putting in a few drops of drink mix liquids or other kinds of concentrate. Rum is a much used flavouring where I am from, but as the concentrated flavour essence, not the actual alcohol.
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Comment on What did you change your mind about this year? in ~talk
DrEvergreen Link ParentI've found that the word 'forgiveness' is used in two different ways by people: One is the way where you accept what has happened, and instead of holding on to wanting to change someone or...I've found that the word 'forgiveness' is used in two different ways by people:
One is the way where you accept what has happened, and instead of holding on to wanting to change someone or something, you let go of that idea and instead adapt your expectations and behaviours to account for how the situation is today. Including maybe keeping away from a person despite having forgiven them for what they have done.
The other is being okay with what happened and not being upset with anyone about it, and going back to the way things were before. If someone breaks a loved ornament by accident, but you forgive them and your are now good friends again. That kind of forgiveness.
Personally, I call the first kind of forgiveness "acceptance". Accepting that things are the way they are, and letting that inform my choices going forwards.
This is a very US-centric view. Nowhere in my entire life have I been where there is an RV-outlet anywhere. Norway here. Electric vehicles are everywhere here these days though, because Tesla made some choices that had the government make it particularly cheap to get them as a business car. Slap a miniscule logo on it, and it qualified as "company vehicle" - meaning MANY people got one for very cheap.