55
votes
‘Mitzvah night is cancelled’. Inside the sex strike that has infuriated husbands and shaken the ultra-Orthodox world.
Link information
This data is scraped automatically and may be incorrect.
- Title
- 'Mitzvah Night Is CANCELLED'
- Authors
- Talia Lavin
- Published
- May 15 2024
- Word count
- 5255 words
I don't have any experience with Jewish communities, but I grew up in conservative, evangelical Christian circles where the use of religion by men to control women was absolutely part of the culture. As mentioned in the article, it's not so much the fault of the religious teaching. There are plenty of passages in the Bible that point toward equitable treatment of women, as well as passages that make men responsible for treating everyone, including women, with car and compassion. The problem is the unequal and selective application of those teachings in ways that preserve patriarchal power.
Similar to what the article details, it was common to see things taught like the subservience of women in marriage and unequal standards of modesty and propriety. Someone who was dressed immodestly and was raped was thought of as "asking for it" just like in the OP:
In both cases, women are expected to be responsible for managing the sexual appetites of men and for being responsible when men break the rules, as though these men had no self control. I think the real problem is that it creates a system that teaches men they have no need of self-control.
It reminded me a little of this excellent long form piece by Sam Thielman over at Forever Wars, At war with the pedophile knowers. I know this seems off topic, but the central premise is pretty well summarized by this quote:
And then he goes on to list some pretty stark examples of the way women are kept in abusive situations by churches. There are examples from the churches run by John MacArthur and John Piper, both household names for me growing up. This is what reminded me of the OP article.
These days, I'm just not there for it anymore. It's not even a matter of lack of faith – I still consider myself a person of faith. It's the whitewashed tombs of religious traditions that have been used as instruments of control for hundreds or thousands of years. I find I can't trust them. I think we need something new. Something fragile, that isn't designed to last, that has to be rebuilt often.
I haven't really figured anything out, except that I strive to not let people suffer when it's within my power to relieve their suffering. If I could build a community around that, I think that would be good.
I was raised/currently participate in a progressive mainline Christian denomination, and I am flabbergasted by the constant and seemingly singular obsession of of conservative/fundamentalist/evangelical Christianity with sex. If you look at all of the current hot-button issues that evangelical Christians fixate on, every single one of them connects back to sex--abortion, homosexuality, transgenderism--it's all sex. You could even make a strong argument that the rabid defense of second amendment rights is directly related to guns as phallic symbols and/or the need to "defend their women" (emphasis on the possessive). It's almost as if the entire modern evangelical movement is a reaction to the modernization of sexual ethics and/or the liberation of women from sexual ownership by their spouse. And when you realize that the amount of content in the Bible (OT/Hebrew Bible included) that is dedicated to discussing sexual ethics (albeit in an ancient iron age society) is infinitesimal compared to that which addresses social and economic justice, it is not in the least bit surprising to me that the vast majority of younger Americans have decided to leave religion, and especially Christianity, behind.
It's a control thing, weather intentional or not. Cults operate by controlling their members as much as possible; the clothes they wear, the food they eat, the people they socialize with and the rules of socialization. It helps them control the way people think. The preoccupation with sex is often (though sadly not exclusively) less about the act and more about making people stay in line.
Yikes on a bike...... This woman isn't the person asking for a divorce but if my husband tried a stunt like that he'd better believe the next person at risk is him. Holy moly the absolute entitlement and dehumanization happening here....
I appreciated this being written with a thoughtfulness towards religious belief. The author having herself received a get was probably helpful in that. I saw many social media comments about the evils of religion and while that may be ultimately true (I dont think so, but it really doesn't matter whether it's true or not), lecturing these women on the evils of religion will not "save" them when that isn't what they want to be saved from.
They clearly believe deeply in their faith, though they dislike how the men are abusing it. And I just appreciate an article that doesn't "other" those folks. I think it's easier for me to feel this way with non-Christian faiths though.
Exactly my thought too. If this was written by an outside reporter looking for clicks and eyeballs, it would very easily have descended into casting aspersions on these orthodox enclaves. I dont know much about extremely conservative Judaism so I found this peek behind the veil fascinating.
The only other recent media Ive seen about it was the movie 'Unorthodox' which was again, fascinating, but more critical of the community but well worth watching
I think its intriguing to visit these kinds of places which is why Ive visited a Jewish synagogue, a Hutterite colony, a Sikh temple, many variations of Christian/Catholic churches, Mormon temple, and even a Masonic Lodge (not during ceremonies) in the past. People are vastly different in belief but there is something of value to be learned from each belief system.
I'm Jewish, but I've never been particularly religious. I'm definitely looked at as an outsider from these ultra conservative/ultra orthodox Jewish communities as well. My experience with ultra orthodox Jewish men generally matches my experience with Evangelical Christian men, though somehow worse.I don't want to bring Israel into this conversation, but my experience with these kinds of men is closely intertwined with my experience of Israel when we went in 2014. On our flight to Israel, the OUJ men refused to sit near women, even across the aisle from them, and held up our flight because the airline dared sell first class/business class tickets to women. One also yelled at me for getting close to him when I was walking with my then-boyfriend-now-husband when he tried to convince Mr. Tired to try taping in Jerusalem.
EDITED TO ADD (because ADHD forgets): OUJ people in Israel are the worst. They don't serve in the IDF, but are more than willing to send others to die for their religious beliefs on the borders. They've successfully brainwashed everyone else that serving in the IDF is an honor and expected societal norm, unless you're UOJ. Then you're exempt because you're "helping the IDF by studying Torah". I don't agree with this method. If you demand that everyone serve compulsory military service, you should not be exempt.
In NY, when I would visit my grandparents growing up, anytime they wanted to go over to Flatbush or any other "Jewish" neighborhood in Brooklyn at the time, for whatever reason, I was always told that I needed to cover up - causing me to get overheated and sick, every single time. But also being a young girl at the time, garnering attention from creepy older men was never ok, and I didn't understand that my grandparents were keeping me safe from creeps in that community that didn't exist elsewhere when I visited them, but I understand that now.
My In-law's rabbi has a female rabbi friend in Israel who was leading a reform (very chill) synagogue. When the OUJ men, not even rabbis, found out that she was a rabbi and leading her own synagogue, they defaced and got her practicing space taken from her and stole the Torah she was using.
When Mr. Tired and I were getting married in 2021, his childhood rabbi married us (at husband's request). The rabbi said if I ever wanted a gett, Mr. Tired had better give it to me no questions asked, or he would have problems with his childhood rabbi himself. I'm not religious, so I don't really care, but it was interesting that he was so invested in making sure I got that if I ever requested it.
As with many conservative circles, and in society as a whole, what you wear should not be the reason someone else can't control themselves, especially children wearing anything. They're children. The comment from the poor woman trying to leave her husband having their small daughter told not to sit on her father's lap in case he gets an erection was absolutely disgusting and speaks volumes on how he feels about women and children, and he needs to be kept away from society if he can't control himself around his own child let alone any other children. CSA isn't a good look, and really does speak volumes about how weirdly repressed these enclaves can be.
This is why insular groups shouldn't exist. They cover up these kinds of awful things, and they don't assimilate with the rest of society so they can grow and learn from others on what's right and wrong in society. There is nothing wrong with practicing your religion until you start hurting others and using the religion as an excuse.
I have had that thought but expressed more broadly as 'this is why fanaticism should not exist'. In any realm. I have very little problem with people of a particular faith, or political belief, or lifestyle choice as long as they are not fanatical and proselytizing that everyone else should believe as they do and support them without question which I also see as hurting others and significantly lacking respect.
This has been more of a discussion around migrants in Europe, but I do believe that in the same vein, parallel societies should not exist. I suppose it's the same thing as enclaves, but every time people split off from mainline society to do their own thing it can turn bad. Of course mainline society often encourages this through shunning, racism, bigotry etc, but it's in exactly these enclaves/parallel societies where a lot of hurt can easily be covered up.
I find a lot of things that I like about Judaism. I don't agree with all its tenets nor the Noahide laws that it asks of non-believers but I like the legalism, and the idea that proselytizing is not the thing to do. And I find a lot of solace in ritual. But yeah I feel like I've read about gets and such before but found this particularly evocative and interesting.
This was shared in my local discord, and I thought it was interesting to see as an outsider of the women's struggles in these communities. And how women navigate through their own communities to try to get the laws applied justify to them.
Edit: Now I have more time to comment. Few things I want to point out the part about modesty, is the town of kiryas Joel has a sign to cover your elbow and knees. Which isnt enforceable if you are not part of the community, but the place is so odd you want to drive through the area anyway. The sign and neighborhood always weirded me out when I drive pass that area.
What interests me about this article since their flavor of conservatism is rooted in tradition governed by fairly strict logic, the women found a way to protest. By not undergoing their cleansing practice, and therefore sex is considered a sin in that regard. Because religious and comminity rigidity, they were able to find ways to make their point across by not participating in them. So, good for them for finding ways to fight back on their patriarchal and corrupt structure so they can gain some equality in their own communities.
Archive link
Everything about this article is so hard for me to relate to. It really is a completely different world from mine — all the way down to wives refraining from sex with their husbands to put political pressure on them. It makes their lives seem so ineffectual and loveless.
I can't imagine anything like that. There are plenty of issues I care very deeply about but I don't need to go through my partner to do something about them. And even I did for some reason, it wouldn't occur to me to put pressure on him by treating him differently in any way. All I would need to do is explain my concern and ask for his help, and he would empathize and fight for change on my behalf. I would, of course, do the same for him. I would feel so isolated and unloved if it were any other way.