Serious relationship problem, seeking advice
Hi friends, I'm frequent lurker, infrequent poster here on a throw away account for what will be obvious reasons. I have very difficult, potentially relationship ending problem in my life and I...
Hi friends,
I'm frequent lurker, infrequent poster here on a throw away account for what will be obvious reasons.
I have very difficult, potentially relationship ending problem in my life and I need some outside perspective.
Some context- I have a long term girlfriend who I love and cherish very much. We own a home, car, dog, have shared friends, finances, etc etc, we're very intertwined. Her sister moved in with us a few years back and while I was initially put off by this we've grown to love and care for each other a lot and are a large part of each others lives. All three of us are in our 30's. Our little family is very close- We spend every evening and almost every weekend all three of us together. Vacations, eating out, etc are always with all 3 of us (not literally, an anniversary dinner would be just us but on a typical day out we're all together). I would move mountains for either of them and if any real harm befell either I would be devastated, I think they would both say the same.
The problem is over time feelings have grown for the sister. Romantic feelings. I've been doing a mix of suppressing / ignoring / living in denial of this for over a year now, maybe two? It's all quite fuzzy. For a long time I've lived this mindset that if I just pushed it down a little harder the next time, did a little better about not thinking about her, it'll eventually go away. A couple months ago I decided to take a step back from her and limit my time around her and utterly failed. My new distance was noticed and became a thing. I was confronted and admitted I was creating some distance. She was very upset at this. Tears were shed on both sides, I felt awful and in the ensuing heart to heart found out she cared for me at a deeper level than I ever knew. My love for her (in all forms) grew from this making me worse off than when I started.
I think it's worth mentioning that I dont think the sister is "in" to me in the same way, at least she's never done or said anything to indicate as such. She is also very shy and has some self esteem/confidence issues and has made some remarks about "probably dying alone" and being "not attractive" (which is wild to me, shes a beautiful girl). Shes never been on a date or been kissed. The reason I mention all this is I think a part of me wants to be some "savior" for her from this path. It's certainly not the only thing drawing me to her but it is something.
So now this is all starting to boil over in my psyche and I'm left wondering what to do. I can only think of a handful of options. (1) I tell my girlfriend the entirety or maybe softened version of all this. I have no idea how this would go, maybe she wants to try to work through it with me, maybe she sees it as a betrayal and leaves me (2) I give no reason and break up with my girlfriend. We lose our home and life and turn everyone's lives upside down in the process, but in some circumstances possibly the nicest option?(3) I tell the sister, most likely permanently destroying the relationship we have and making our interaction uncomfortable forever. I think expressing all this to her and hearing the most likely response of "No I dont like you like that at all you're a freak get away from me" maybe would undo this spell Im under though. (4) I keep it inside, bottle it up, and live like this forever. Am I 100% confident that I can do that forever and something will never slip out? No. (5) Try a new means of dealing with this, maybe therapy, and hope and prey it works. I dont think this is an option for me anymore. There have been talks and expectations of a proposal next month on our anniversary and discussions of having kids on the horizon. The appropriate time to mentally confront this would have been a long while back, now I've lost the luxury of time to work this out. No more experiments, I need to make a decision and move forward.
All of these options are AWFUL and most involve hurting my girlfriend, her sister, or both which tears my heart apart and neither deserve that. I would love to hear any alternatives. I hate myself for allowing myself to get sucked into this mindset and fantasy realm. I know it's my fault, I know I failed them, I know I should have better control over myself. I'm mentally weak in that way I guess. I have no idea what to do.