vivaria's recent activity

  1. Comment on Feature Phones and Time Management Apps Recs in ~tech

    vivaria Link
    i'm considering getting some sort of e-reader for this problem, oddly enough! my phone usage is concerning to me mainly because i use it as a coping device. when i get stressed out, i open up the...

    i'm considering getting some sort of e-reader for this problem, oddly enough!

    my phone usage is concerning to me mainly because i use it as a coping device. when i get stressed out, i open up the browser to one of a handful of sites (reddit, hacker news, tildes, twitter) and fall into a refresh loop for 30m to hours. i've noticed a positive difference when i outright block these websites, but suddenly there's this void in activity and i end up disabling the block just to get back to something to do that's easy and comforting. so, my thoughts were, rather than focusing on just the phone part (locking it down, replacing it with a dumbphone/featurephone), i should probably also focus on the content/activity part. that way, i have something to ease the transition instead of a pure cold-turkey void.

    i've been looking into e-readers, but more specifically how to translate my usual content into e-reader friendly content. my searching so far has led me to an rss feed + calibre (e-book library manager) combo. pretty much any recurring news source (blog, feed, social media account, webcomic) can be packaged into an rss feed (esp. considering services like fivefilters and rss.app). calibre then lets you batch-package a set of rss news items into an e-book friendly format. sort of like a daily/weekly digest of sorts, which can then be shipped off to a device that isn't capable of internet browsing.

    i've got no idea if this would even work to curb my phone usage, considering it zaps away the addictiveness that comes with attention-snagging ux design. but i'm going to experiment with that content packaging before i commit to a reader. i like the thought of having a day's worth of tildes and hacker news and reddit articles bundled together into a digest that i can take with me as i go for a walk. (plus, you know, books and comics and manga. i've been wanting to read stand still stay silent ever since it was mentioned in the last webcomics thread, but a 16:9 computer screen isn't a pleasant reading experience, and it's offered in ebook format too.)

    2 votes
  2. Comment on Tyler, the Creator Still Demands Your Attention. Does He Deserve It? in ~music

    vivaria Link Parent
    Totally fair. I probably should have clarified what you meant by "I mostly agree with the article" i.e. the tone/delivery? the venue in which the points were made? the content itself? I was more...

    Totally fair. I probably should have clarified what you meant by "I mostly agree with the article" i.e. the tone/delivery? the venue in which the points were made? the content itself?

    I was more frustrated with the how/when/why of this article, and thought there was a better way to go about this, but it seems like you weren't necessarily agreeing with those parts anyway, so my response was probably misdirected?

    1 vote
  3. Comment on Mental health support & discussion thread (May 2019 edition) in ~talk

    vivaria Link Parent
    i should note that it is not an official tildes discord, just one organized by some of the more active tildes users here, i think. i wasn't clear enough on that above. https://discord.gg/PcP8qHS

    i should note that it is not an official tildes discord, just one organized by some of the more active tildes users here, i think. i wasn't clear enough on that above.

    https://discord.gg/PcP8qHS

    4 votes
  4. Comment on Tyler, the Creator Still Demands Your Attention. Does He Deserve It? in ~music

    vivaria (edited ) Link Parent
    I guess for me, it's not really... constructive? For the article to go "this is bullshit that this can happen, ergo everything he's done since is insincere and deserving of snark and skepticism."...

    I guess for me, it's not really... constructive? For the article to go "this is bullshit that this can happen, ergo everything he's done since is insincere and deserving of snark and skepticism." My take is more, "we live in a system that has allowed for this. what could be a more ethical/healthy way to cover this sort of behavior to prevent the next OF-era Tyler from being elevated to these levels of fame?" Or, another take could be "what was the state of music journalism then, and how has it changed with the evolution of callout culture? would another odd future be possible in 2019?" I mean, take Pitchfork, and how they've covered XXX and Tekashi 6ix9ine in recent years. I think the music journalism landscape has evolved quite a bit, and that's something I'd be really interested in reading a retrospective on for the decade.

    (As an aside, is my take tone policing? Honest question. I feel like my take is potentially asking for a "polite" "civil" toothless version of criticism and I'd love to be called out on that if that's not appropriate of me.)

    FWIW, Eminem has tried to do about-faces with his anti-Trump cyphers and what have you, but... from what I understand, he hasn't shown that he's actually undergone much introspection or personal growth, what with his most recent records. His patterns of insensitive/harmful behavior have gone on for much longer, and his attempts at showing he's changed have felt much hollower. I'd be a lot more skeptical of a "woke" album from him vs. Tyler.

  5. Comment on Mental health support & discussion thread (May 2019 edition) in ~talk

    vivaria (edited ) Link
    my general wellbeing has picked up a bit since joining the edit: unofficial tildes discord! i do really like tildes as a whole, but the base website isn't scratching my itch for community as much...

    my general wellbeing has picked up a bit since joining the edit: unofficial tildes discord!

    i do really like tildes as a whole, but the base website isn't scratching my itch for community as much as i'd hoped. my usage is generally similar to reddit: unhealthy, obsessive refresh loops, and some brief posting that maybe ends up in conversations with 1-2 back and forth comments before i felt too exhausted to continue. so it stays sort of surface-level, you know? the chats and topics themselves do feel more constructive and interesting, but the behavior patterns aren't any healthier here (for me).

    real-time chats are definitely more up my alley, especially when they're in cozy little 10-30 person rooms with 'regulars' who you can see from day to day. they're like... bars? or coffee shops? where you stop by and feel like you're safe inside your little corner of the universe. i used to be a big irc person, as well as an msn messenger person, but i haven't been a part of one of these in years. it's just been nice to have a place to get to know people and talk about things, when usually i'd be going about life on my lonesome. i don't really talk my irl friends the same way i do in chatrooms for some reason? so it's nice.

    my physical health has been really giving me anxiety lately, though. i tend to have consistent daily issues with my sinuses, neck, and back... this dull muscle soreness and feeling of pressure against my ears and nose. sinus dryness, too? sharp pains when i breathe in. that whole kinda... area of my body. it's been going on for years now and it really takes over my day when it becomes too noticeable to ignore. not sure what causes it... could be posture, could be my lack of physical activity, could be anxiety itself, could be psychosomatic... no real answers from MDs. today's been a bad day for it, and i've felt overwhelmed and panicky by how much it hurts. not much i can do about it though, just gotta keep doing my daily stuff.

    the only other thing i wanted to talk about was an irl friend of mine whose mental health has deteriorated rather quickly... she's having trouble getting through her days at work without self-harming, and was sent home recently... calling in sick lots. she described her self-harm to me and i feel like i didn't respond well enough... i'm generally a quiet person, i process things internally and don't say much. i wish i had known what to say, but that's pretty normal i guess. her self-harm is... sort of extreme and concerning to me. i'm not sure how to help her while looking after myself, too. her life situation is rough in general... there's only so much i can do. i'm just sticking to visiting her and buying her groceries when she can't but i wish there was more i could do. at least she's seeing a doctor, but... she's a young adult like me who doesn't really have life stability... she's under a lot of pressure, and i wish she hadn't moved here across the country, away from her family. i wish she could go home and be looked after, but her family doesn't have the funds to bring her back. ack. it's too much to think about.

    9 votes
  6. Comment on Movie Monday Free Talk in ~movies

    vivaria Link
    I watched Grave of the Fireflies the other day, and had a different reaction than I was expecting. Most descriptions I had come across focused on how sad it was, and how likely it is that you're...

    I watched Grave of the Fireflies the other day, and had a different reaction than I was expecting. Most descriptions I had come across focused on how sad it was, and how likely it is that you're going to cry watching it. But, my reaction was more... devastated?

    Like, I was less moved to tears and more paralyzed with horror. I think it was the closest I had come to understanding the atrocities of war, more so than what I remember from grade school history class. People doing awful things to one another in an awful situation. It was an hopeless, ugly, empty feeling. 'Sad' doesn't even begin to cover it.

    The whole movie has this creeping inevitability of doom and there's nothing to do but sit frozen for the ride.

    3 votes
  7. Comment on Tyler, the Creator Still Demands Your Attention. Does He Deserve It? in ~music

    vivaria (edited ) Link
    I'm really not sure why half of these details are even relevant for a review of this album, Igor. There was plenty of opportunity for... whatever this is, around the release of Flower Boy. I'm...

    I'm really not sure why half of these details are even relevant for a review of this album, Igor. There was plenty of opportunity for... whatever this is, around the release of Flower Boy. I'm sure plenty of people did write about his evolution, albeit in a more gracious way, as, you know, a standalone think piece. (EDIT: On second thought, I don't like these lines. I've made it sound like it's not worth talking about anymore, as though the window has passed. I don't think that's true, and I think it is worth talking about now. But... I don't know if the way the author has chosen is the appropriate manner to do so.) I'm having trouble understanding if this is even an Igor review, or if it's a takedown piece slash venting outlet for an author with an axe to grind. It reads like bottled anger. At Tyler for still having attention, at media outlets for giving him that attention, and at a world that rewards people for doing dumb, hurtful things.

    It's really hard for me to read this review without feeling some knee-jerk strong emotions. There's so much bitter, petty, dismissive, emotionally-charged language here. I feel like there was a more constructive way for the author to make the points they wanted to make. I could see a thoughtful piece about cancel culture and how a person's past harm should impact their future prospects. Or, as @somewaffles mentioned, what it's like to live through your (often impulsive, thoughtless, regretful) teens as a person in the limelight under incredible pressures. Instead, here, this delivery feels harmful in its own right. These are the sorts of words you write in private, and not in a dang review. (EDIT: I more mean the phrasing/delivery, and not the content. The content here has value, I think? It just feels very unfiltered.)

    7 votes
  8. Comment on Australia election results discussion in ~talk

    vivaria Link Parent
    Do you have any resources to read up on re: the things that make you wary about the 2020s? As a fellow Canadian and relatively recent adult who's living on his own, I... I'm wondering if I should...

    Do you have any resources to read up on re: the things that make you wary about the 2020s? As a fellow Canadian and relatively recent adult who's living on his own, I... I'm wondering if I should keep this in mind as I plan out my future. I wasn't really conscious of the 2008 recession as I lived through it, being so young at the time. I'm not really sure how worried I should be, and how preoccupied I should be with saving and focusing on long-term stability.

    1 vote
  9. Comment on Hierarchical Tags: How They're Used and Working Toward a Community Standard [Draft Part 1] in ~tildes

    vivaria Link Parent
    no worries! i'm sure you have much more pressing things, anyway. thank you for providing that list, too. interesting about usa.ca and usa.california, heh. popular state!

    no worries! i'm sure you have much more pressing things, anyway. thank you for providing that list, too.

    interesting about usa.ca and usa.california, heh. popular state!

    4 votes
  10. Comment on Brands Have Utterly Lost It on Twitter, or Why Everybody Is Tweeting About Pee and Coconut Water in ~tech

    vivaria Link Parent
    i also like reminding myself that there's someone on the other end of the tweets being paid to cultivate a personality that's relatable and/or entertaining. the title of the OP article (and even...

    i also like reminding myself that there's someone on the other end of the tweets being paid to cultivate a personality that's relatable and/or entertaining. the title of the OP article (and even that twitter account) words things as though brands as some homogenous entity, but... it's made up of people, right?

    It's cool when a corporation tweets like a teenager. It makes me want to buy the corporation's products.

    the corporation itself isn't tweeting, it's... someone... a team? who were given that as a task to provide the corporation with marketing value. i wonder what it's like to be the person who writes those tweets? i wonder how it feels to put in the emotional labour to pretend to be... human, on behalf of a corporation, to be able to support yourself... how much freedom are they given? how much of their behavior is scripted from above? what's that little part of the industry even like? asking these questions makes the whole deal feel even more perverse and strange to me.

    7 votes
  11. Comment on Hierarchical Tags: How They're Used and Working Toward a Community Standard [Draft Part 1] in ~tildes

    vivaria Link Parent
    is there any way to pull stats for the tags that a post was originally made with vs. tags that were added later on by another user? or, in other words, is there a "tag history"? could be a good...

    is there any way to pull stats for the tags that a post was originally made with vs. tags that were added later on by another user? or, in other words, is there a "tag history"?

    could be a good way to study what users instinctively pick up vs. what has to be consciously learned by power users.

    (i'm also curious about how many of the multi-level tags are "ask.survey" "ask.recommendations" etc. anecdotally, those were the ones that were most prominent and memorable to use. for non-ask tags, it's been less clear to me as i'm posting what's likely to be a category and what's likely to be a subtag within a category.

    3 votes
  12. Comment on This week's album and EP releases in ~music

    vivaria Link
    Really loving the new The National album. Many of the tracks feature female guest vocals, and it elevates their songwriting above the "conflicted, confused guy venting about his troubles" feel...

    Really loving the new The National album. Many of the tracks feature female guest vocals, and it elevates their songwriting above the "conflicted, confused guy venting about his troubles" feel common for The National songs. (And that's coming from a huge fan!)

    So many of the songs on this album feel like conversations between characters. Hearing multiple perspectives makes the songs feel... cozier to me? Like its a glimpse into a shared connection, rather than a lonely life.

    Oblivions and Not In Kansas are standout tracks for me! :)

    3 votes
  13. I used to have a little kit filled with additives like vanilla, mint, caramel, whipped cream, etc. for making specialty hot cocoa, but I seem to have used it all up. I want to make a new one, so...

    I used to have a little kit filled with additives like vanilla, mint, caramel, whipped cream, etc. for making specialty hot cocoa, but I seem to have used it all up. I want to make a new one, so I'm curious what you put in your hot chocolate to make it extra special.

    13 votes
  14. Comment on What have you been listening to this week? in ~music

    vivaria Link Parent
    In hindsight BOCC didn't do as much for me as Phoebe's solo stuff, but there's one track on it that stands out and I'd be awful if I didn't nudge you in its direction. "Chesapeake" is the closest...

    In hindsight BOCC didn't do as much for me as Phoebe's solo stuff, but there's one track on it that stands out and I'd be awful if I didn't nudge you in its direction.

    "Chesapeake" is the closest thing that comes to the qualities I liked from Stranger in the Alps.

    (Also, I'll type up my 10/10s soon too! There's some overlap.)

    2 votes
  15. Comment on ~all? in ~tildes

    vivaria Link Parent
    I'm a picky hipster who likes it when things inch towards the niche and specific, and dislikes it when things inch towards a generalized, broad appeal. Browsing /r/all gives me vibes of the latter...

    I'm a picky hipster who likes it when things inch towards the niche and specific, and dislikes it when things inch towards a generalized, broad appeal.

    Browsing /r/all gives me vibes of the latter (I mean, you don't get to the top of /r/all unless your posts speak to something in the majority). Your description OTOH gives me vibes of the former. :D

    So, I like the sound of little sub-communities, and I hope we get there!

    4 votes
  16. Comment on What have you been listening to this week? in ~music

    vivaria Link Parent
    I got lucky and stumbled across CoS giving it an A- back in 2017. It soundtracked my autumn, when I had been going through a really rough time. There were definitely times where I just... laid on...

    I got lucky and stumbled across CoS giving it an A- back in 2017. It soundtracked my autumn, when I had been going through a really rough time. There were definitely times where I just... laid on the floor, fatigued and depressed, and listened to the whole thing front to back. Slam dunk AOTY. It's so haunting.

    You've surely given Better Oblivion Community Center a go, eh?

    (Also, what are your other 10/10s? I'd love to hear em.)

    2 votes
  17. Comment on What have you been listening to this week? in ~music

    vivaria Link Parent
    Bridgerssssssss! Friend! That's one of the albums that gets me excited when I see it in someone else's tastes. Belle and Sebastian too!

    Bridgerssssssss! Friend! That's one of the albums that gets me excited when I see it in someone else's tastes.

    Belle and Sebastian too!

    1 vote
  18. Comment on Trump Administration to LGBT Couples: Your 'Out of Wedlock' Kids Aren't Citizens in ~lgbt

    vivaria Link
    I'm a little confused. Is the issue about wedlock (which Google seems to suggest is about marriage arrangements) or is the issue about a biological connection between the child and the parents? I...

    I'm a little confused. Is the issue about wedlock (which Google seems to suggest is about marriage arrangements) or is the issue about a biological connection between the child and the parents? I mean, either way, you're excluding families that don't follow a traditional <straight, cis, religious> family structure, so... trying to find clarity in definitions is probably missing the point. If I had to guess, obfuscation and bureaucratic clusterfuckery is a feature, not a bug, when tradition/status quo is good and progress/change is bad.

    3 votes
  19. Comment on What's missing from your life? in ~life

    vivaria Link Parent
    These dense and multi-topic comment threads are getting hard for me to respond to. There are a lot of complicated feelings here and I'm not sure where to begin. We're at the point where this could...

    These dense and multi-topic comment threads are getting hard for me to respond to. There are a lot of complicated feelings here and I'm not sure where to begin. We're at the point where this could tangent in many different directions and it's a bit overwhelming. Can we continue this on Discord instead? I think the linear flow of conversation would be a little easier than trying to keep up 3-4 different topics at once.

    1 vote
  20. Comment on What's missing from your life? in ~life

    vivaria (edited ) Link Parent
    Ah, let me clarify. When I was younger, I was in a long-distance relationship with someone in the UK. It was a big love. They visited for a month in 2012, and I lived with them for a summer in...

    Ah, let me clarify. When I was younger, I was in a long-distance relationship with someone in the UK. It was a big love. They visited for a month in 2012, and I lived with them for a summer in 2013. I think I felt the way I describe (above, and here) around them, but it's hazy now. It might just be rose-colored nostalgia. We drifted apart. We both had battles to face in our own lives, and needed to focus on close-proximity things. They had a life to attend to and there wasn't a place for me there.

    I also want to add to your interpretation of what I said. It's not just how I think, but my behaviors, reactions, moods, perceptions, and other little quirks. How I process the world, I guess you could put it? All of this is hard to neatly summarize. It's one of those things you think you understand, but just don't unless you've lived it. I don't want to come across as too dismissive or defensive, but "just be authentic" is not really a thing you can comfortably do as an autistic person. "Masking" is how I function in a western society that has specific expectations for social interaction. It's less faking in the sense that I'm putting on a false persona, and more faking by forcing myself to follow the unspoken scripts and rules that most people don't realize exist. They're little default behaviors that go unnoticed by people who do them naturally. When I buck these and be myself, things don't... they don't mesh. Things get awkward and uncomfortable. People say and do things that don't work with me, and I say and do things that don't work with them. I have to mask to function from day to day.

    An alternate way of framing my desires is to say, "I want to be around people I feel at ease with." People where things flow without friction. Where I don't feel like I need to contort myself and my behaviors. Where my thoughts aren't constantly turned inwards, meticulously analyzing everything I do and say to make sure I haven't slipped into autie territory.

    Attempts like yours frustrate me. Not because you've done something wrong -- I try to remind myself you mean well, and you're trying to help. But your response represents ideas I've heard all my life, from all sorts of other well-meaning people who think they hold the key to solving the problems I've lived (and have constantly addressed) my entire life. Each person has approached my descriptions from a perspective that is missing key information. We might share a common set of words to communicate, but words are only a narrow conduit bridging vast, dense networks of lived experiences. What you think you see in my words is not what I meant to get across.

    Try this, maybe. It seems to have been designed for exactly this situation. Picture Carl as my default state. Now imagine being self-conscious of the "off" feeling that comes from those interactions, and warping your life around avoiding the "offness" by playing dress-up as a neurotypical person. I've done it for so many years that I forget what it's like to not constantly be policing my own thoughts and behaviors. This is masking. I've heard similar descriptions from other outsider/black sheep groups, such as black folks navigating white societies. I mean... I'm sure you have experiences tied to being part of an out-group, but... for me, it's tied to an invisible "disorder" (scare-quotes intentional). It's bound to a way of functioning and of perceiving the world. Trying to convey this is an impossible task.

    Do you know what it's like to be taken out of school and hospitalized for an entire month at Children's Hospital? Do you know what it's like to be so hysteric that you need to be locked in a carpeted room until you've thrown yourself about so fervidly that you collapse from exhaustion? I just... this is... I have so many examples like this. I try and I try to convey what it's like to have lived my life. I just can't. People read words and go, "yes, I know this. I have the right response." Maybe I should lead with the parts that don't sound so relatable. All of the awful parts that aren't as easily pattern-matched by that brain of yours. Then maybe you can take a step back and go, "hrm. I need to be more delicate with how I approach this." That's not how you talk to people, vivaria.

    Sorry. Right now you are an avatar for every person I've made attempts to confide in, and every brick wall I've metaphorically run head-first into. A N G E R Y

    7 votes