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BDSM: Why are you into it? What makes your role(s) enjoyable to you?
I don't necessarily mean your exact kinks, more the overall psychological and emotional aspects.
I just had a conversation with my girlfriend about this very topic, discussing why we liked the things we do.
Having thought through it more thoroughly, I find that giving up power makes me feel desired and objectified by the dominant in a safe environment, which is a feeling I seldom get to experience as I'm neither an 7+ out of 10 or in otherwise position to attract that kind of attention.
In addition, always feeling like I have to control every situation I'm in and often feeling somewhat anxious if I'm in an unfamiliar environment, this sort of play also allows me to safely relinquish control.
How about you?
Why, is a question I've been trying to answer most of my life.
TW: Childhood abuse, I guess? No details.
So, as a child, my sperm donor beat, insulted, and emotionally ruined me from ages 4-14, until I was able to live with my mom full time. For this period of my life, as well as into my late teens, I was insecure, unconfident, shy, I mean just every mentally negative trait you can apply to a teenaged boy. Terrified of minor confrontation, afraid to ever voice an opinion of my own, couldn't even look people in the eye.
By the time I hit 20 or so I had rubber banded so hard to the opposite end of the spectrum I still have whiplash, and to this day I'm still at that end. Now I'm overconfident, highly opinionated, absolutely willing to have a verbal game of fisticuffs with a mf over human rights, but aware of it all enough that I'm not as unbearable to be around as I sound. It's a self aware, kind of ironic ego. I'm always sure of my decisions, even if made in a split moment. I take and am in 100% control of any situation I find myself in.
So why not in bed? Why when I get aroused do I devolve back into a meek, helpless, manipulated object? And Why do I enjoy it so much? Sure I'm still technically in control of the situation, ultimately when I say it's over, it's over, but from a nonmeta perspective I give up everything that makes me, me.
Do I feel safe? Absolutely. I have cried before from BDSM, but that was more of a panic response due to a lack of oxygen I failed to signal for.
Do I have some repressed positive feelings over my childhood? Nope.
Do I find being myself to be too exhausting that I allow that vulnerability to come out when I'm aroused? Maybe.
Is it just because that's the kind of porn I stumbled across initially as a kid? Could be.
I find a lot of people who have dealt with childhood abuse become involved in BDSM. Unlike a lot of people I've met in that regard, I do not like pain. That is the only direct connection I've found between my childhood and my sex life. I had an ex that, when I was restrained, slapped me. She didn't ask if she could, I hadn't been hit in years at that point, and I hadn't thought being slapped would be a big deal, so I didn't say she couldn't.
What I did do was go into an instant survival reflex and hulked the fuck out. That was spooky, lemme tell ya. I've dealt with anger issues in the past, but at that moment my subconscious was trying to kill somebody and I was not in control of myself for a second.
(EDIT: Funny story, this happened again several years after, when my mom and I got into an argument, and for the first time in her life she slapped me. The realization that dawned on her face when 24 year old me did not cower and in fact approached to send her into next week was quite the comical transformation in hindsight. Don't worry, I didn't touch, I just, well, raised my hand in a threatening manner and she nearly fell backwards in terror. I caught myself and left the house.)
There's some relationship there. I've just never been able to identify it. I know it turns me on, but I don't understand why.
It goes against everything I worked on and fixed about myself.
Creativity and intimacy.
With a little bit of openness and a sense of humor, BDSM opens the gate to a near-infinite playground for creative expression. There’s a saying that I enjoy: adults are just children that forgot how to play. I think play is important for all ages, and BDSM and kinks are a great medium for play. There are just so many opportunities and so many varieties that just about anyone can find something that suits them. For example, bondage can provide beautiful aesthetics with all the colors and patterns, it can also be akin to dancing with your partner and it can be a type of puzzle, improvised in a state of flow or pre-planned and orchestrated. Role play is an obvious one—we role played as children all the time, and typically adults only do it once a year if even that, but with BDSM you can not only look like someone else but also try being someone else. Then there are more straightforward artistic and aesthetic aspects like with fashion and art. To me, art and creativity are driven by emotion and are an expression of one’s unique psychology that words often cannot articulate, so BDSM (and kink) has that role for me.
Now for intimacy, I’ll say the same thing—between partners that have a degree of psychological openness and a sense of humor, BDSM has a unique and genuinely powerful effect on intimacy. This is on the general basis of vulnerability being the bridge for intimacy between humans, in all contexts. In BDSM between consenting adults you can go quite deep with physical and emotional vulnerability.
Physically, when you’re tied up and made helpless, you’re literally putting your safety and wellbeing in the hands of another person. You not only need to trust that your partner has your best interest in mind, but that they are attentive, knowledgeable and skilled (they didn’t cut off your blood supply or are impacting nerves anywhere; or say there is an emergency, they have clean ties and an emergency cord cutter on hand). For this reason I don’t play with strangers in private and I take my time working up to certain levels with longer-term partners.
Emotional vulnerability is where the real magic happens. Let’s break the fourth wall here: BDSM and kink is just plain fucking weird. We do weird shit that we don’t want “vanilla” folks to find out about. Hence the unfortunate sense of shame people may have. For some, BDSM allows for a uniquely safe context for people to explore their weirdness, on their own terms. If one can do it with others, that’s a tremendously vulnerable position that can foster a deep understanding of each other, and most importantly, of oneself. I’ve learned a lot about myself and others this way.
As with anything, this can all be abused and may not be fitting for all or most. But, ultimately, from what I’ve seen, I think BDSM is one of the healthiest practices one can engage with, for one’s own emotional and psychological wellbeing.
Yeah, the dramatic aspect of it is kind of overlooked sometimes. You get to perform as kind of a character sometimes, which is fun.
I guess it's throwaway time.
I am not sure where on the BSDM spectrum this fits, but I like to hit my partners, which are women. Most sexual partners do not wish or allow being spanked, and the ones that do are still fairly vanilla, so I am really not sure how far I would go if given free rein. I would like to use strong language with them as well. My previous partner allowed me to beat her and use strong language, and she liked it, but we weren't together for long so we didn't have the opportunity to develop it. I merely slapped her in the face a bunch of times, and not super strong or anything, but her cheeks got red and that was extremely erotic to me. She really liked giving me an avenue to express that preference. I am now in a stable relationship with another woman. I find her extremely attractive. I talked to her about doing rough play, but she is absolutely not into it. At all. I even tried inverting the polarity, so that she could make me her slave. It didn't work, she just wanted to lay there and let me make the decisions. But not enough to feel like domination either. I love her, but that is frustrating. Not only because of that specific kink, but she is really not very interested in anything creative in bed. Maybe I am paying the price for being extremely good at cunnilingus (no false modesty here), because she doesn't want me to do anything else.
She is very girly, romantic, and traditional in bed.
Also a throwaway... I feel you about the frustration. It's a bridge you can't close the gap on, and when I'm (at least in my case) being faithfully monogamous it definitely feels like a bit of my life is weirdly missing.
I'm terminally online, terminally horny, and terminally shy, so I grew up being into hentai and all sorts of niche internet stuff but super closeted about being kinky, genderfluid, and bicurious. When I was in my early 20s I realized there were online social circles where this was the norm that you either didn't have to tease out or could quickly move on from if you didn't click with someone, and I ended up having a ton of online flings - a relationship, casual flings, some male partners, everything all over the power spectrum, and one pet play partner in particular that kept up for quite a while. I never consummated any of it IRL, but I felt pretty satisfied with how brisk and free people were online.
My wife, on the other hand, is totally normie. I adore her for grounding the hell out of me in pretty much every aspect of my life, and our sex life is OK, but some of the net and kink/BDSM culture stuff I bring her to results in complete bewilderment; it amps up the shyness that I have about my kinks. I have zero interest in diverting time from her over someone else, no wish to cheat, and there are so many other things we click on that this should feel like a minor setback. But I always feel this longing to connect about all the baggage that comes with being a horny weirdo online for so long - I don't even know where I'd start about pet play stuff with her... Or that I'd be happy on either side of it... But then again she has her own kinks that she's still embarrassed about, and I'm happy to acquiesce.
Sometimes I think I like to give up power because of a lack of mental maturity, but then I also have a sadistic streak, so I guess that explanation doesn't really make sense. Perhaps BDSM just lets us de-stress, take out our energy (within the physical and emotional limits of our spankee) and feel really good afterwards with a cuddly aftercare session that provides more intimate touching, hugging and praise in the space of a few minutes than most men will receive in years. Maybe BDSM is like therapy but affordable, or like ASMR but for the whole body.
I suppose I enjoy both sides of that kind of thing. On one hand I like losing some control in a safe environment, I like the trust involved in it and I like allowing someone I trust and want to please to "take" if they want. It's as much about letting someone indulge in me as much as it is the pleasure I get from being overwhelmed by someone.
And then on the other side of things I also like when I can fulfill that desire for others. I guess the irony of being a bit of a sub in bed is that it also makes me pretty good at being dominant when that's what the other person wants.
So at its core the "why" for me is the same as any other healthy form of sex; it's about intimacy, connection and giving the most pleasure we can to one another. There will always be some animal instinct involved in sex, and society often teaches us to be ashamed of that, to suppress it, but I think it's healthy and cathartic to explore those instincts with a partner. BDSM with the right people is one route for that.
I have always had a lot of control in my life. Even as a kid my parents were really trusting of me and I was allowed to do pretty much whatever I wanted as long as I communicated with them and didn’t do anything stupid to break that trust.
When I was in my late teens/early 20’s I met a girl that was into some more kinky stuff. We played around with some stuff, but again I was in control and she would be the one getting tied up. She wanted to flip the roles but I wasn’t interested. We ended up making a bet on something, I can’t even remember what, but I lost and had to do anything she wanted for an entire weekend. It broke me and I absolutely loved it. I’d never felt so helpless or humiliated. We ended up having a great sex life taking turns in the different roles.
Unfortunately there were some other issues in the relationship and we ended up splitting. Years later I met the woman who is now my wife. Our sex life is good, but there is still a part of me that misses that excitement. My wife isn’t into that kind of thing, either being submissive or dominant, so being able to explore BDSM is no longer possible for me unless I cheat on her and that isn’t something I’d ever do.
I think for me, 75% of the enjoyment is because my partner enjoys it and 25% is that she trusts me to do things to her that are considered to be violent or dangerous outside of the bedroom.
This is true for myself as well. My wife is pretty vanilla in public as an overachiever, perfectionist, grew up as the perfect daughter to her parents, much to her brother's chagrin. I'm a sensitive and gentle husband and an open communicator, I am also not a "Manly man." We grew up ultra conservative and try as we may, we just couldn't quite fit into our roles like we were supposed to. Fast forward 13 years and we've changed a lot in our marriage that didn't work for us and really made it our own. We have non traditional jobs, life structure, values, and responsibilities. But our sex life is the biggest divergence. My wife still appears the same, for the most part, but she really enjoys being used and is digging deeper and deeper into how submissive she likes to be. Luckily I found that I really enjoy dominating her, but primarily because of how alive she becomes when I am. She became a totally different person in bed and there is a spark I can't quite describe. I love helping her achieve the most satisfying experience, even if she's embarrassed that she likes it, in fact it's probably because she's embarrassed. I like knowing who she is to other people, what her profession is, and what she lets me do to her.
The intimacy is insane, as others have pointed out. I feel like the number one thing we noticed, while dipping our toes into the BDSM pool, was that everyone we meet in the community is kind and affirming. We're out here doing some absolutely wild shit and being the nicest, supporting, and open community. So weird.
We have similar circumstances - my wife and I are pretty vanilla in public. Nobody would ever guess how kinky our sex life is (and granted, we're not super extreme into BDSM, we're relatively light compared to many others). But that just adds to the intimacy of the whole thing. It's something that we share with each other, that nobody else knows about or thinks that we would do.
We're not at all involved in the community aspect of it, but I'm not surprised to hear that the community is kind and affirming. Those are traits that are foundational and mandatory for a healthy BDSM relationship. There is so much open communication, affirmation and open-mindedness that needs to be done before you can actually act on anything. It's not something you can just do on impulse, and shaming people about their kinks is the direct opposite of what BDSM is supposed to provide. So the community itself being kind and open makes total sense to me. The actual sexual acts are the result of the trust, exploration and open-mindedness that are built between partners over time.
As a heads up there is a lot of toxicity in the community. I'm hopeful it's dying down as time goes on, but there are a lot of men who will treat every femme person as a sub - and every sub like their sub - or who believe that their way of negotiating power exchange is the one true way.
I don't say this to scare you off but more to give a heads up that there are bad vibes out there (and worse there are some dangerous people who don't respect consent, boundaries, etc) and to trust your gut, and your partner(s)'s if you ever did get involved.
I'd give @BusAlderaan the same warning. I love when people have had a good experience. I have not always had positive ones and I feel it's better to warn than to see patterns repeat.
Yeah, that's not surprising either. There are always members of any community who are there for the wrong reasons, and they stick out more than your "normal" respectful community members. But in the case of BDSM, would you say that that kind of behavior is the norm, or the exception? We have no plans in having any kind of community involvement in any aspect of our sex life, but I'm curious about it in any case.
There's a mix. Especially when I'd found a younger group, things were alright, but the like "general" group generally had 1-2 of the men I described above who saw themselves as group patriarch(s). And then a few more that modeled themselves off that vibe. For more stereotype, they're married to a woman and the two share a girlfriend in a very unequal power (not in the bdsm sense but also in a bdsm sense) way. I've been the "unicorn" in a non-bdsm relationship so I've seen both dynamics. The stereotype is about 15 years older than said girlfriend and the women aren't "allowed" to have other male partners.
That said, I have avoided the scene for a variety of reasons: I'm polyamorous but kink is not a significant part of my identity, past experiences, exes, moving, etc. and the "younger adults" should be older now and one would hope not allowing the missing stairs to stick around. I'm also in the Midwest which probably impacts experiences.
Fwiw you can absolutely meet up/hang out without ever engaging in play parties or swapping partners or anything. Sometimes people appreciate the socialization and different groups will do educational classes (ymmv) or nonsexual demos - candle wax dipping for example. It was always a social thing for me.
That’s a weird way to look at it. There’s tons of opportunities that doesn’t involve cheating if this is something important to you and thereby her also.
It’s not really a weird way in my eyes. I’ve talked to her about the different things that I’m interested in, the things that I want to do. We have a healthy relationship and we talk about these things. With that being said, she has absolutely no interest in trying any of the things that I have mention or even considering it.
It is important to me. It is not important to her.
I think you meant to reply to @drdoofenshmirtz, but accidentally made a new top-level comment instead.
Yeah sorry about that
No worries. It seems to be a somewhat common mistake people make due to the comment box being at the bottom, which can appear as though it's a reply box for the last comment. :P
I struggle reading people, and historically I've often felt like I wasn't meeting people's expectations. Being told what to do (or more) adds a relaxing simplicity to it.
The other part is probably cultural. I was raised with the influences of guilt-oriented culture; so power dynamics and concepts of "being deserving" inherently make sense. If I was not raised that way, I think I would find it more like I was pretending or suspending disbelief.
It also unquestionably felt like a greater form of intimacy that felt more comfortable to my less vulnerable sensibilities. That appealed to me. (Eventually, I realized it was the same kind of intimacy as the one I was unprepared to experience.)
I would say in life, I elbow grease a lot / put in the work to do more than is expected, I will generally defer to whomever feels the strongest (unless I really disagree), and I put strong internal emphasis on owning up to my own actions. Also, I've historically enjoyed controlled thrill seeking (had a spicy food phase, which included microdosing raw ghost peppers). All of those feel like the same part of the brain to me as the BDSM part.