I spent a couple years in a depressed haze. I'm still spending years in a depressed haze, but I used to, too. I no longer watch streamers consistently, and it only happens rarely. Anyway, during...
I spent a couple years in a depressed haze. I'm still spending years in a depressed haze, but I used to, too. I no longer watch streamers consistently, and it only happens rarely.
Anyway, during that time when I watched them, I was hibernating in my room well beyond what would normally be considered socially humane. It felt almost torturous. The only things that saved me were Reddit(RIP) because it allowed for constant assertions and expressions to others, then the silly fact that I watched streamers and tournaments of games on my second monitor.
I can't deny that was a time of horrible depression, but when I look back on it, it was another one of those "firsts" in life that seem to lose their flair after you experience it. I would watch CobaltStreak playing Binding of Isaac, Lethalfrag(occasionally, although he always felt too formal in an odd way,) then Sevadus and his logistical Minecraft stuff hooked me in pretty hard. Those people are my friends and I don't even know them.
I look back on that period, and despite the depression I know was persistent, I feel like it was a happier time. I felt those friendships, my gaming depression hadn't infected me so deeply, and typing things out to essentially anonymous people felt more powerful. Meaningful, even...
Trapped between knowing I need to get out into the world and live—but also knowing I might continue to fail at that, and it feels strangely comforting to know I could return to indulging in those one-sided friendships again.
Such a strange feeling. So much of my life feels unreal, yet I know so much of it would be valid if I only had a few basic aspects added to my life. A person to love, and some type of productive effort, and all of a sudden my old gaming/stream-indulgent life would feel like a paradise.
I spent a couple years in a depressed haze. I'm still spending years in a depressed haze, but I used to, too. I no longer watch streamers consistently, and it only happens rarely.
Anyway, during that time when I watched them, I was hibernating in my room well beyond what would normally be considered socially humane. It felt almost torturous. The only things that saved me were Reddit(RIP) because it allowed for constant assertions and expressions to others, then the silly fact that I watched streamers and tournaments of games on my second monitor.
I can't deny that was a time of horrible depression, but when I look back on it, it was another one of those "firsts" in life that seem to lose their flair after you experience it. I would watch CobaltStreak playing Binding of Isaac, Lethalfrag(occasionally, although he always felt too formal in an odd way,) then Sevadus and his logistical Minecraft stuff hooked me in pretty hard. Those people are my friends and I don't even know them.
I look back on that period, and despite the depression I know was persistent, I feel like it was a happier time. I felt those friendships, my gaming depression hadn't infected me so deeply, and typing things out to essentially anonymous people felt more powerful. Meaningful, even...
Trapped between knowing I need to get out into the world and live—but also knowing I might continue to fail at that, and it feels strangely comforting to know I could return to indulging in those one-sided friendships again.
Such a strange feeling. So much of my life feels unreal, yet I know so much of it would be valid if I only had a few basic aspects added to my life. A person to love, and some type of productive effort, and all of a sudden my old gaming/stream-indulgent life would feel like a paradise.