hello! I'd like to respond but I don't want to publicly oust myself, is that okay? I just don't want it linked to / easily searchable from my usual account. I'm heterosexual, female, demisexual...
hello! I'd like to respond but I don't want to publicly oust myself, is that okay? I just don't want it linked to / easily searchable from my usual account.
I'm heterosexual, female, demisexual but not aromantic, currently in a decades plus, lifelong, monogamous relationship: answers may or may not be typical
How long does it take for you to know if you're attracted to someone (sexually, romantically, emotionally, shared interests, etc)?
For me, it's a whole Matryoshka doll layers of relationships.
a) Attraction due to shared interests/values/ideals/humour/stage in life, probably about an hour or so of meaningful contact/conversation/gaming/ice-breaker type situation. Pretty much a yes/no to "would I want to hang out more with this person?"
b) Friends, only after repeated regular contact (6-12 months+ for monthly meet ups, 3-4 months for bi-weekly meet ups, 2-3 months of weekly) -- all the time maintaining (a): if I discover that interests/values/ideals stray outside of a certain range during this time, then we're ever only going to be coworkers or long term acquaintances.
c) Emotional attraction is only possible from within, but not everyone among, group (b). I'd want nothing more than to hang out with these people all day every day for a whole week at a ski cabin kind of thing.
d) Romantic attraction, as in, I want to be dating this person exclusively (or even casually?), can only happen from within, but not everyone among, group (c). Due to the fact that these are already going to be my super good friends, dating them only casually wouldn't work at all.
(e) Sexual attraction - someone from group (d), and even then pretty much only in response to their sexual attraction. I've never looked at my partner and thought "dang, I want a piece of that". But I do often think "OH they're here they're here they're here! Let's go hang out <3" which, a lot of the times their idea for hanging out includes something sexual, and we have a good time.
What do you like to do when you date and does it change depending on how many dates you've been on or how well you know the person?
N/A, or regular good friends things, since they're going to be my good friends. If we're dating then there's a whole range of good-friends things that normal society frowns upon between good friends, especially if they have romantic partners, or would be awkward to explain to future romantic partners. Those things. Such as sleeping on their laps or staying the night in the same bed or chatting with them from the shower while they brush, tend to be frowned upon as mere friends. Even things like automatically ordering two dishes so we can share seem to be much frowned upon by dating partners :\
Once you start dating someone, how long does it take you to understand whether you want to date the person long term or whether it's not going to work out?
I would only date them after carefully considering the long term possibility + the probability of us remaining really good friends if the romance falls part. So kind of the reverse of what this question is asking.
Do you only date people you meet in real life or do you use dating apps? How do you approach going from stranger to dating them?
I would only make friends using apps, and be very clear that I'm looking for friends. That would be my dating strategy because that would be my potential dating pool.
What's most important in deciding whether you want to date someone? Do they need to have an interest in activities you enjoy, shared values, emotional intelligence, a certain kind of humor, or something else?
For someone to become really good friends with me, they would already fit into a rather narrow category of interests....we don't need to have all the same interests, but at minimum enough overlap that we could do the same things together at least part of the time. Same values, definitely -- and after learning from youthful experiences, professed values don't count: they have to be completely owned, well demonstrated, automatically expressed values. And since I an monogamous, that they are as well would be a deal breaker sort of thing.
Is there something you don't understand about dating and want to share your frustration?
My frustration with sex in media... It's like, if our culture were obsessed with Noodles, and every media must have Noodle Scenes, where the lovers begin their relationship or culminate in a scene where they go out for / make noodles together. And it often doesn't really tell you why their sharing noodles contribute to their relationship at all. Nothing like, John ordered this for Mary because he knows she doesn't eat X, or Sue saved all her X from her bowl because she knows Jane loves them best, or Henry went through heck to get reservations at this exclusive noodle bar and meanwhile Dante convinced a retired noodle chef to cook for Henry. Nothing. Just some reaction shots and satisfied eating faces and slurp noises and chopstick motions, and we're supposed to be convinced some kind of magic chemistry or intimacy was achieved.
I love noodles and I can understand the desire for and carnal reaction to noodles better than I understand sexual attraction/excitement, but wouldn't you be upset and bored by the gratuitous inclusion of noodle scenes?
hello! I'd like to respond but I don't want to publicly oust myself, is that okay? I just don't want it linked to / easily searchable from my usual account.
I'm heterosexual, female, demisexual but not aromantic, currently in a decades plus, lifelong, monogamous relationship: answers may or may not be typical
For me, it's a whole Matryoshka doll layers of relationships.
a) Attraction due to shared interests/values/ideals/humour/stage in life, probably about an hour or so of meaningful contact/conversation/gaming/ice-breaker type situation. Pretty much a yes/no to "would I want to hang out more with this person?"
b) Friends, only after repeated regular contact (6-12 months+ for monthly meet ups, 3-4 months for bi-weekly meet ups, 2-3 months of weekly) -- all the time maintaining (a): if I discover that interests/values/ideals stray outside of a certain range during this time, then we're ever only going to be coworkers or long term acquaintances.
c) Emotional attraction is only possible from within, but not everyone among, group (b). I'd want nothing more than to hang out with these people all day every day for a whole week at a ski cabin kind of thing.
d) Romantic attraction, as in, I want to be dating this person exclusively (or even casually?), can only happen from within, but not everyone among, group (c). Due to the fact that these are already going to be my super good friends, dating them only casually wouldn't work at all.
(e) Sexual attraction - someone from group (d), and even then pretty much only in response to their sexual attraction. I've never looked at my partner and thought "dang, I want a piece of that". But I do often think "OH they're here they're here they're here! Let's go hang out <3" which, a lot of the times their idea for hanging out includes something sexual, and we have a good time.
N/A, or regular good friends things, since they're going to be my good friends. If we're dating then there's a whole range of good-friends things that normal society frowns upon between good friends, especially if they have romantic partners, or would be awkward to explain to future romantic partners. Those things. Such as sleeping on their laps or staying the night in the same bed or chatting with them from the shower while they brush, tend to be frowned upon as mere friends. Even things like automatically ordering two dishes so we can share seem to be much frowned upon by dating partners :\
I would only date them after carefully considering the long term possibility + the probability of us remaining really good friends if the romance falls part. So kind of the reverse of what this question is asking.
I would only make friends using apps, and be very clear that I'm looking for friends. That would be my dating strategy because that would be my potential dating pool.
For someone to become really good friends with me, they would already fit into a rather narrow category of interests....we don't need to have all the same interests, but at minimum enough overlap that we could do the same things together at least part of the time. Same values, definitely -- and after learning from youthful experiences, professed values don't count: they have to be completely owned, well demonstrated, automatically expressed values. And since I an monogamous, that they are as well would be a deal breaker sort of thing.
My frustration with sex in media... It's like, if our culture were obsessed with Noodles, and every media must have Noodle Scenes, where the lovers begin their relationship or culminate in a scene where they go out for / make noodles together. And it often doesn't really tell you why their sharing noodles contribute to their relationship at all. Nothing like, John ordered this for Mary because he knows she doesn't eat X, or Sue saved all her X from her bowl because she knows Jane loves them best, or Henry went through heck to get reservations at this exclusive noodle bar and meanwhile Dante convinced a retired noodle chef to cook for Henry. Nothing. Just some reaction shots and satisfied eating faces and slurp noises and chopstick motions, and we're supposed to be convinced some kind of magic chemistry or intimacy was achieved.
I love noodles and I can understand the desire for and carnal reaction to noodles better than I understand sexual attraction/excitement, but wouldn't you be upset and bored by the gratuitous inclusion of noodle scenes?