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    1. Fuck cancer

      Just getting this off my chest because the number of people I can talk to about it right now is very small. My mom got diagnosed with cancer a few days ago. Tumors in her breast(s?) and the cancer...

      Just getting this off my chest because the number of people I can talk to about it right now is very small.

      My mom got diagnosed with cancer a few days ago. Tumors in her breast(s?) and the cancer has made it into her lymph nodes and possibly her blood as well. None of us have much idea where that puts us right now and we won't know much more until her consult + surgery next week. It's gut-wrenchingly awful. The unknown of everything gnaws at you -- I don't wholesale trust what I read on the internet but it certainly doesn't seem great. I'm still in disbelief -- my mom is only in her mid sixties and she is extremely healthy. My mom is obviously scared but she is doing ok otherwise -- she is a fighter and my whole family is behind her and ready to support her however we can. This next block of time is going to be so hard on both of my parents it physically hurts to think about. I guess as we learn more information things will become easier to deal with because it certainly isn't easy right now. Lots of tears, but lots of video chat smiles and laughing too.

      The saving grace has been knowing how much time I have been able to spend with my parents through the pandemic as they have been helping us out with childcare. My mom has loved being a grandma, getting to watch her eyes light up when she holds our daughter has been amazing and I just want so, so, so badly for her to be able to continue to watch her grow up and for my daughter to know her. If you have a mom in your life please give her an extra hug/ehug this mother's day for me.

      Also, if anyone has any personal experience of battling or having people close to you battle cancer please feel free to share if you want to. Cancer fucking sucks.

      26 votes
    2. Let's talk about attention

      I've been doing a lot of thinking about my own attention lately, and I'm curious to hear others' thoughts. I don't want to prime the thread, but I'll probably type up some of my own considerations...

      I've been doing a lot of thinking about my own attention lately, and I'm curious to hear others' thoughts. I don't want to prime the thread, but I'll probably type up some of my own considerations in a comment later.

      Any and all comments/experiences are welcome, especially those from people with ADHD or other similar conditions that impact executive functioning.

      • Are you happy with your ability to manage your attention and focus?
      • Do you feel like you're in control of your attention? Is it something you have to manage?
      • Do you feel as if anything has changed over time?
      • How would you describe your attention/focus to someone who experiences theirs in a different way from you?

      Those are simply guiding questions to get the ball rolling, but I don't want to limit the conversation to just them. Really I'm interested in hearing anything anyone is wanting to share about their relationship with attention and focus.

      27 votes
    3. Is there anything considered pseudoscientific/unscientific that you suspect has some truth to it and might be re-examined in the future?

      (Also, how open are you to being dissuaded from it? I'm always open to new information, so if you're concerned about me embarrassing myself in public with these ideas, enlighten me, by all means.)...

      (Also, how open are you to being dissuaded from it? I'm always open to new information, so if you're concerned about me embarrassing myself in public with these ideas, enlighten me, by all means.)

      Two examples come to mind for me.

      • Astrology. I don't think the positions of the stars have any actual bearing on people's destinies, but there are definite traits that seem common to the individual signs, across cultures and eras. Perhaps there's a natural cycle of some sort that affects our collective psychology or even biochemistry and we misattribute zodiac stereotypes because it happens to align with the celestial "movements"?

      • Graphology. The notion that particular characteristics or tendencies could be expressed in something like handwriting doesn't sound unreasonable to me. Our minds physically express many things in our body language, and I could see how handwriting might essentially be an extension of that, or another translation.

      Of course, this could just be self-selection and delusion, but these are likely complex issues and there's still quite a lot we do not understand.

      27 votes
    4. What did you do this week?

      As part of a weekly series, these topics are a place for users to casually discuss the things they did — or didn't do — during their week. Did you accomplish any goals? Suffer a failure? Do...

      As part of a weekly series, these topics are a place for users to casually discuss the things they did — or didn't do — during their week. Did you accomplish any goals? Suffer a failure? Do nothing at all? Tell us about it!

      7 votes
    5. What did you do this weekend?

      As part of a weekly series, these topics are a place for users to casually discuss the things they did — or didn't do — during their weekend. Did you make any plans? Take a trip? Do nothing at...

      As part of a weekly series, these topics are a place for users to casually discuss the things they did — or didn't do — during their weekend. Did you make any plans? Take a trip? Do nothing at all? Tell us about it!

      8 votes
    6. What's something that took you a long time to like?

      The first time you encountered it, you were lukewarm at best or completely put off at worst. Over time though, you changed, and slowly you came around to it, changing your position from one of...

      The first time you encountered it, you were lukewarm at best or completely put off at worst. Over time though, you changed, and slowly you came around to it, changing your position from one of distaste or disgust into something rooted in genuine fondness or appreciation.

      Tell us that story.

      Anything is fair game: foods, movies, people, ideas, careers, etc.

      26 votes
    7. Logged in for the first time in awhile. Update on my phone and other stuff

      Heya! Man I haven't been on Tildes for a minute. How the heck is everyone? I've been on a bit of a roller coaster since I posted about looking for a new phone and have been keeping busy. Just...

      Heya!

      Man I haven't been on Tildes for a minute. How the heck is everyone?

      I've been on a bit of a roller coaster since I posted about looking for a new phone and have been keeping busy.

      Just right now I really should be:

      • Editing a book my dad wrote about our ancestors in the US - think Little House on the Prairie. It's going to be a surprise gift for his 90th. I'm having it printed all nice and whatnot.
      • I need to contact the free lancer I work with in India to help me put together new online courses for the website I run as a side hustle. Hoping for a break out cycle next time and have it become something that might replace my primary income in the next 4-5 years. It's paying off but the work can be super boring.
      • I have a lawn care landscaping guy coming over today to see about putting a french drain in around the basement foundation to get some water away. I am working from home full time now so I want to make the basement nicer (where I work from). Basically it's going to still look like a basement, just nicer. Going to epoxy the floor and put up that commercial type baseboard, fresh white paint on the walls and ceiling, then new lights. Then I'll add storage for things we don't use everyday. Should be cool but a ton of work.

      Other stuff that's happened since I last talked to you all:

      • I need to get passport photos for the family for a cruise in Nov that we probably will end up canceling unless the kids can get vaccinated by then. Bought it cheap at the height of the pandemic.
      • Just yesterday I was at Costco and do you ever get annoyed by the check they do before you leave? Like normally its cursory but this time they really went through everything and it was this much older guy with a lot of Veteran-wear and he like really went out of his way to touch each item in our cart multiple times. I literally said "Are you going to touch everything?" But I don't think he heard me. I guess the issue was we had what looked like 11 items and only 10 on the receipt but one thing was a two-pack of shirts. We also weren't dressed particularity well and probably smelled like weed so there's that too. But no fun for sure.
      • I took up stock trading during the March lows and lost about $8K then after a lot of work and mostly luck made that back plus $2k. Then I took a break for a while because it was hella stressful. Then I got in on gme early in my retirement account. So now I don't have to worry about retirement so much. Really mind blowing. I'm going to a financial advisor soon.
      • I kind of called the pandemic early ... I have some neighbors who are Chinese and they told me how bad it was getting over there. So we went and got n95s when you could still get them at the big box stores and bought supplies including a handgun and a o2 machine. I remember driving up to the bank drive through window and getting $10k in cash out just for saf e keeping. We've basically been hunkered down ever since.

      It's been a long strange trip man, how have you all been?

      tl;dr: Got a Samsung Galaxy 8. Generally like it but dislike having to deal with both a Samsung layer and the Google layer - having just the Apple layer on the iPhone is nice. I didn't put any cool OS on it like I was talking about. The fingerprint reader works really well so I totally get why people use those.

      20 votes
    8. What's a question you want to ask, but you're worried about how it might come across?

      Intro A while ago, we held a LGBT Q&A panel that allowed people to ask questions to LGBT people that they might have been afraid to ask otherwise. I think this was incredibly valuable, and I would...

      Intro

      A while ago, we held a LGBT Q&A panel that allowed people to ask questions to LGBT people that they might have been afraid to ask otherwise. I think this was incredibly valuable, and I would like to try a slightly less structured and topical version of the thread.

      This thread is for questions about any topic that you're worried might come across as insensitive or invasive or uncomfortable or whatever -- questions that might get responded to negatively if you were to ask them elsewhere. Ask a question that you tend to keep to yourself, for whatever reason.

      My hope is that people can ask some questions in good faith and get answers in good faith. In order to do that though, I do think it's important that we have some norms in place:


      Ground Rules

      Anyone can ask questions or provide answers or both. This topic is not a panel but a Tildes-wide discussion.

      Askers

      Ask a genuine question that you want a genuine answer to. Feel free to ask informational questions, experiential questions, and opinion questions. They will be afforded the principle of charity, but also understand that this is not a thread for hot takes or passive aggressive shots or anything like that.

      Follow-up questions are allowed and encouraged.

      To keep threads organized, post a new top-level comment for each separate question, unless your questions are all related to the same topic and work better as one comment.

      Answerers

      Give genuine answers to the questions given. The goal of the thread is education and understanding. Even (and especially) if a question is difficult, frustrating, or off-putting, I think one of the best things you can articulate is why it is that way for you as a way of helping others understand your experience and perspective.

      All

      Please abide by this principle: if your words have the potential to cut, then please have the courtesy of using some anaesthetic. If you know you're entering into potentially inflammatory territory, please go out of your way to soften sharpness and defang your words. The last thing I want this thread to be is a set of escalations or inflection points.

      If you're worried your question might look provocative, openly state your intention and give some background for why you want to ask, to show that you're acting in good faith and willing to listen to answers. If you're worried your answer might slam on someone, openly state your intention and give some background for why this is a topic that elicits such strong feelings from you.

      If a question or answer does cross lines or occurs in bad faith, please label it as malice.

      If you do not want to see this topic in your thread for any reason, please use the ignore post feature.

      I am hoping that we can have some very thoughtful, compelling, and insightful conversation here, and, based on what I know of the Tildes community and our last attempt at a thread like this, I have full faith that we can achieve that.

      42 votes
    9. What are some great documentaries about Asian culture that are easily available?

      I'm on a binge of watching YouTube videos about Asian culture and wanna take it to the next level. Anything about the cultures of countries like Japan, both Koreas, China, etc. As long as it's...

      I'm on a binge of watching YouTube videos about Asian culture and wanna take it to the next level. Anything about the cultures of countries like Japan, both Koreas, China, etc. As long as it's high quality and available on the major streaming websites. Thanks!

      9 votes
    10. What did you do this week?

      As part of a weekly series, these topics are a place for users to casually discuss the things they did — or didn't do — during their week. Did you accomplish any goals? Suffer a failure? Do...

      As part of a weekly series, these topics are a place for users to casually discuss the things they did — or didn't do — during their week. Did you accomplish any goals? Suffer a failure? Do nothing at all? Tell us about it!

      11 votes
    11. What do you think late 2010s-early 2020s nostalgia will look like?

      Asking mainly because we generally view this period as a rock-bottom, but nostalgia seems to be as good as natural, so what do you think people in 5, 10, 15+ years will remember overly fondly...

      Asking mainly because we generally view this period as a rock-bottom, but nostalgia seems to be as good as natural, so what do you think people in 5, 10, 15+ years will remember overly fondly about the present?

      17 votes
    12. What did you do this weekend?

      As part of a weekly series, these topics are a place for users to casually discuss the things they did — or didn't do — during their weekend. Did you make any plans? Take a trip? Do nothing at...

      As part of a weekly series, these topics are a place for users to casually discuss the things they did — or didn't do — during their weekend. Did you make any plans? Take a trip? Do nothing at all? Tell us about it!

      12 votes
    13. What did you do this week?

      As part of a weekly series, these topics are a place for users to casually discuss the things they did — or didn't do — during their week. Did you accomplish any goals? Suffer a failure? Do...

      As part of a weekly series, these topics are a place for users to casually discuss the things they did — or didn't do — during their week. Did you accomplish any goals? Suffer a failure? Do nothing at all? Tell us about it!

      10 votes
    14. What did you do this weekend?

      As part of a weekly series, these topics are a place for users to casually discuss the things they did — or didn't do — during their weekend. Did you make any plans? Take a trip? Do nothing at...

      As part of a weekly series, these topics are a place for users to casually discuss the things they did — or didn't do — during their weekend. Did you make any plans? Take a trip? Do nothing at all? Tell us about it!

      7 votes
    15. Does anyone else take other people's negativity pretty badly?

      For some reason I don't really have much issues with most things if I'm by myself, but when there's someone else (either irl or online) venting about the issue at hand, another issue or their own...

      For some reason I don't really have much issues with most things if I'm by myself, but when there's someone else (either irl or online) venting about the issue at hand, another issue or their own issues in a super negative way it always brings me down so hard.

      Like, if I were watching the news and there was something about a murder or something on, I would watch and think "that's bad" but move on pretty quickly, but if you check for comments on the news online it's all super misanthropic and pessimistic shit about how the world being a vile place, etc, and funnily enough that's the thing that triggers far more of a reaction that the issue at hand itself.

      Similarly, if I read all sorts of comments of people online about stuff like "hope being a joke", "life being a piece of shit", "humanity being a disease", etc, I feel all anxious and hopeless until it eventually just fades from my attention or if I see someone argue the opposite.

      I've also always heard people in school complain about this or that, and I just... do it and shut up about it? Sure, I complain too sometimes, but overall I don't really got bogged down into a swamp of darkness like that.

      This is really making me want to severely cut my internet usage since it's like this on an almost daily basis, though I'm not really in the position to do this atm since I don't have a job, education or anything else so this is like my main source of socializing. But I'm definitely going to go through with it once I get back into the flow of things.

      Does anyone else have this problem?

      20 votes
    16. What's your proposing/marriage story?

      I'm interested in knowing how fellow Tilders became engaged and subsequently married. Let's just say I was given some personal reasons to think about the subject lately... I'm interested in...

      I'm interested in knowing how fellow Tilders became engaged and subsequently married. Let's just say I was given some personal reasons to think about the subject lately...

      I'm interested in knowing what steps led you and your significant other to consider the possibility, how you became engaged, how long did you know each other beforehand, etc...

      You know, the kind of thing someone that never considered marriage as an option is utterly ignorant about :P

      Any advice?

      13 votes
    17. What did you do this week?

      As part of a weekly series, these topics are a place for users to casually discuss the things they did — or didn't do — during their week. Did you accomplish any goals? Suffer a failure? Do...

      As part of a weekly series, these topics are a place for users to casually discuss the things they did — or didn't do — during their week. Did you accomplish any goals? Suffer a failure? Do nothing at all? Tell us about it!

      6 votes
    18. Why do people follow social media from those presenting a perfect life when it makes them feel inadequate?

      I've never been one to follow much social media - certainly not the kind that is just a (almost certainly fake) presentation of a perfect life. Someone's highlight reel. But I did catch myself on...

      I've never been one to follow much social media - certainly not the kind that is just a (almost certainly fake) presentation of a perfect life. Someone's highlight reel. But I did catch myself on the other side of this. I spent hours on some days baking or cooking specifically to flex on people with well-crafted photos of the finished food. I still enjoyed it, but once I realized what I was doing I started cooking much more reasonably difficult dishes - so I'm sure it was motivated by a wish to instill envy in others.

      So I think I understand that side of the equation. But I had a more or less captive audience (a Slack #food channel). Can anyone speak from the side of the willing consumer? The avid subscriber?

      14 votes
    19. What did you do this week?

      As part of a weekly series, these topics are a place for users to casually discuss the things they did — or didn't do — during their week. Did you accomplish any goals? Suffer a failure? Do...

      As part of a weekly series, these topics are a place for users to casually discuss the things they did — or didn't do — during their week. Did you accomplish any goals? Suffer a failure? Do nothing at all? Tell us about it!

      7 votes
    20. What are some analog alternatives to digital services or products that you use?

      There has been a bit of talk here recently about people who don't use the internet, why and how they don't. It's a common assumption that it's truly impossible to live without the internet, and to...

      There has been a bit of talk here recently about people who don't use the internet, why and how they don't. It's a common assumption that it's truly impossible to live without the internet, and to some that may be the case. I don't think this should be a roadblock to those who wish to try to withdraw at their own discretion. So what are some analog services or products you use? Maybe it's something that's not broken so why fix it? Maybe in your opinion something is better the old way as compared to the new internet version? I'll start it off with these:

      • I still read paper books. I know this is super common, but I've met several people who consume their literature in exclusively electronic formats. I just can't concentrate when reading eBooks or listening to audio books. I also like the feel and smell of books, reminds me of hanging out in the library as a kid.
      • I really try to not use mapping applications while driving. I think the ubiquity of GPS and mapping applications makes it really easy to not focus on where you are. It takes your eyes off of the road and there are privacy implications as well. I tend to look up directions ahead of time and write some notes down or print it out (cheat). I started doing this after an incident where I called 911, but couldn't tell the operator where I was despite the fact that I drove that route every day.
      • I still write letters. I think letter writing offers element of intimacy, and helps foster good relationships. There's no "lol" or "k." in letter writing (except for one letter a friend sent as a joke), it lends to careful and purposeful composition as clarification is not always a text or phone call away. You can also get creative with your letter delivery. I've picked up more than one letter from bulletin boards at national parks (yes, if you ask they'll probably do that), I once had a friend send me a wax sealed letter via registered mail to a hotel which got quite a face out of the receptionist, and I once had a several letter exchange where the letter contents were encrypted with a basic ciphertext.
      31 votes
    21. What does analog have that digital doesn't?

      I saw another Tildes thread that was discussing radio stations, and it threw me back to when I was very young and not totally digitized - the tactile feel of the dial as you click-click-click your...

      I saw another Tildes thread that was discussing radio stations, and it threw me back to when I was very young and not totally digitized - the tactile feel of the dial as you click-click-click your way to your desired radio station, or the kind-of-subconcious-but-not-really memory you have of which buttons to press to jump to a saved frequency.

      What do you miss about analog controls and devices? What do you think we're missing out on in the digital age? If we're missing out, did we still make a leap forward into the digital age?

      25 votes
    22. What did you do this weekend?

      As part of a weekly series, these topics are a place for users to casually discuss the things they did — or didn't do — during their weekend. Did you make any plans? Take a trip? Do nothing at...

      As part of a weekly series, these topics are a place for users to casually discuss the things they did — or didn't do — during their weekend. Did you make any plans? Take a trip? Do nothing at all? Tell us about it!

      6 votes
    23. Where do you go for humor?

      What sites do you frequent for humorous writing? I guess that might be an online magazine, a blog, Youtube channel, comic, or a podcast—but foremost, I'm looking to read well-written, funny prose.

      15 votes
    24. Recommend a piece of fiction that gives a specific feeling, regardless of genre or medium

      I've been looking lately for something new to read/watch/listen to/play and I've been chasing a particular feeling that some of my favorite works have given me in the past. It's something that's...

      I've been looking lately for something new to read/watch/listen to/play and I've been chasing a particular feeling that some of my favorite works have given me in the past.

      It's something that's hard to describe succinctly, so it's not exactly easy to just google search for something, and usually just telling people I like x thing gets me y recommendation which is maybe a similar style or genre but doesn't really elicit the particular feeling that I'm after.

      I figure other folks might have a similar problem, so I thought it might be fun to have a thread for requests for works that make you feel a certain way, regardless of genre or medium.

      I'll start mine in the comments and other folks feel free to ask for requests as top-level comments as well!

      22 votes
    25. Is it ethical for services to exclude those without internet access?

      I've been turning the question over in my mind since I read this article the other day. A company that delivers milk and basic groceries is moving to online-only billing and account management -...

      I've been turning the question over in my mind since I read this article the other day. A company that delivers milk and basic groceries is moving to online-only billing and account management - the article quotes various people who are "disgusted" that the company are cutting off their "elderly or vulnerable customers". It's one relatively niche example that raises a much broader question, and the idea of people still living without some form of internet access genuinely caught me by surprise.

      The UK has 94.6% internet penetration, relatively low costs (£10/month or less) for basic access, and a variety of subsidised schemes available for people to get basic hardware. That said, there are always gaps for people to fall through, and that last 5% still represents over three million people. At what point does it become reasonable to assume everybody is, or has the opportunity to be, online?

      20 votes
    26. What did you do this weekend?

      As part of a weekly series, these topics are a place for users to casually discuss the things they did — or didn't do — during their weekend. Did you make any plans? Take a trip? Do nothing at...

      As part of a weekly series, these topics are a place for users to casually discuss the things they did — or didn't do — during their weekend. Did you make any plans? Take a trip? Do nothing at all? Tell us about it!

      8 votes
    27. What are the main news sources in your country?

      Here in Brazil we have: Globo, the generic "centrist"/neoliberal TV news outlet. Used subtle methods of backing a right-wing candidate in the 90s who than ruined the Brazilian economy and...

      Here in Brazil we have:

      Globo, the generic "centrist"/neoliberal TV news outlet. Used subtle methods of backing a right-wing candidate in the 90s who than ruined the Brazilian economy and (apparently) massively exaggerated the Car Wash operation, even if Lula did something wrong.

      Record, which is owned by the largest evangelical Church here and I'd imagine is often a mouthpiece for them.

      Cultura, which is the only traditional news outlet here that can actually be called left-leaning, and I don't think they are as ostensibly "moderate" as the American news outlets, which is good.

      Band, which is the one all about showing crime all the time mainly to justify law and order policies as opposed to welfare.

      From here we have various (mostly but not entirely) right-wing and religious 'news' channels.

      Online there are news outlets like Nexo, El País (for Brazil) and the international news outlets which will occasionally cover the big Brazilian news stories, but I don't think most of them are very popular, at least among most people who, for how divided we are, aren't that political, especially if you aren't a Bolsonarist or Leftist.

      14 votes
    28. What did you do this week?

      As part of a weekly series, these topics are a place for users to casually discuss the things they did — or didn't do — during their week. Did you accomplish any goals? Suffer a failure? Do...

      As part of a weekly series, these topics are a place for users to casually discuss the things they did — or didn't do — during their week. Did you accomplish any goals? Suffer a failure? Do nothing at all? Tell us about it!

      8 votes
    29. What charities/orgs are measurably effective in bringing people out of poverty and violence in US?

      The recent rise in hate crimes against Asian Americans has been an emotional topic for me. The thing that makes me sad is, it seems the most I can do to de-escalate a violent situation I see on...

      The recent rise in hate crimes against Asian Americans has been an emotional topic for me. The thing that makes me sad is, it seems the most I can do to de-escalate a violent situation I see on the news without putting myself in clear danger is to basically distract the aggressor from afar and comfort the victim afterwards.

      What makes the matter more complicated is, if you look at the demographics of those who tend to commit these violent crimes against Asian people, they're often other minorities. It's so easy to fall into a trap of undermining the progress we've made in racial/social equality the moment we acknowledge that Asians are being targeted. For similar reasons, I view that our political system is entirely ill-equipped to handle this matter in a sustainable matter.

      But I'd still like to turn this into something positive. Because I live comfortably as an engineer in the Bay Area, I was thinking I can donate to charities and organizations that are effective at bringing an end to this violence every time I see news about an Asian American getting targeted on social media. I plan on doing my own research as well, but I hope you can also give some suggestions.

      19 votes
    30. Do you tend to participate in April fools day?

      (Well, let's play a game of trust, shall we?) I personally don't because most of the things that come to mind in my case are mostly doing really out of character things that would require way too...

      (Well, let's play a game of trust, shall we?)

      I personally don't because most of the things that come to mind in my case are mostly doing really out of character things that would require way too much effort in my part and hoping people will find them funny, which will probably not happen and generally trust-based games like April fools aren't really my thing and I'm pretty sure I've struggled enough with irony and naiveness enough as is.

      11 votes
    31. What did you do this weekend?

      As part of a weekly series, these topics are a place for users to casually discuss the things they did — or didn't do — during their weekend. Did you make any plans? Take a trip? Do nothing at...

      As part of a weekly series, these topics are a place for users to casually discuss the things they did — or didn't do — during their weekend. Did you make any plans? Take a trip? Do nothing at all? Tell us about it!

      6 votes
    32. If humankind left Earth and came back after 100 years, how much of our digital files would still be readable?

      That's something that concerns me a lot. A lot of what we know about our history came from analog media that was preserved throughout history. Will future generations (100, 200, 1000 years from...

      That's something that concerns me a lot. A lot of what we know about our history came from analog media that was preserved throughout history. Will future generations (100, 200, 1000 years from now...) be able to access our digital documents to understand how we lived?

      Edit: the scenario I proposed in the title was just a way to express my concerns more concisely. I don't think it will actually happen but answering it is equivalent to addressing my concerns..

      24 votes
    33. What did you do this week?

      As part of a weekly series, these topics are a place for users to casually discuss the things they did — or didn't do — during their week. Did you accomplish any goals? Suffer a failure? Do...

      As part of a weekly series, these topics are a place for users to casually discuss the things they did — or didn't do — during their week. Did you accomplish any goals? Suffer a failure? Do nothing at all? Tell us about it!

      6 votes
    34. Repeatedly finding myself upset with the conversations on Tildes

      DISCLAIMER - The following is all my impression of discussions happening. I do not wish to call out any particular individuals or make any strong statements about 'truth' or 'fact'. This is a post...

      DISCLAIMER - The following is all my impression of discussions happening. I do not wish to call out any particular individuals or make any strong statements about 'truth' or 'fact'. This is a post about how all of this information made me feel and I will try my best to avoid language which paints any of this as definitive statements of truth.

      Yesterday there was a thread which got nuked in which people were seemingly arguing on the validity of eugenics. Right now there's a thread about what's going on with Reddit which at times elevates the accusations raised by a group of troublesome individuals.

      I'm not comfortable with people discussing whether there's any legitimacy to eugenics. I feel extremely alienated when people elevate accusations lead by kiwifarms and lineham and other bigots - frankly speaking I don't want to see anything lineham has to say on this website, ever, except perhaps when it is prefaced by a long post explaining the background of the troublesome individual and the post is being linked to explain why they are troublesome.

      How do we stop this? Am I the only one who feels alienated and like I don't want to participate in Tildes anymore? If so, at what point is a discussion veering into the realm of intolerance and how can we stop this from happening and how do we culturally enforce this to happen?

      48 votes
    35. Tildes is pushing out the minority voice

      Last week I woke up to yet another PM from someone I've come to admire from afar on tildes. This was a user I'd seen many times on Tildes, bringing with them a unique and powerful voice. This...

      Last week I woke up to yet another PM from someone I've come to admire from afar on tildes. This was a user I'd seen many times on Tildes, bringing with them a unique and powerful voice. This person was a minority. They brought a voice to the table that was like a breath of fresh air - I'd frequently see them enter threads dominated by a single opinion and make everyone challenge their assumptions. They would enter and offer their shoes to anyone who'd like to try them on and get a glimpse into how the world might work for them, should they be brave enough to walk a mile or two.

      This is not the first PM I've received from someone who decided this website had become too troublesome to continue participating and it's likely not the last I will see. While it is heartbreaking to see them go, it is equally heartbreaking to me that the reason they are going is often not because people are trying to push them away. By far and large, I see a majority of tildes users actively participating in discussions with good faith. By the results of the last census, increasing diversity was of importance to the majority of users and I do not think they were free-text typing that in without good cause.

      This post is one that I've been contemplating in the back of my mind for a very long time now. It first really occurred to me nearly a year ago when a fairly well known person of minority status got banned for being too confrontational and aggressive to the kind of voice they didn't want to see on Tildes. I wasn't sure how to address it at the time, and I wasn't entirely certain it would be a problem, but the year since this post I've become hyper aware to its existence in a way I wasn't previously. In fact, I've had a bit of this conversation on more than one outlet on the internet already, because my recognition of this behavior has had me upset many times since. To this extent, I thank that user, because it truly did open my eyes to a behavior which I believe is self-sabotaging, but often genuine in nature.

      I believe the simplest way to explain what is happening is through the law of large numbers. While not everyone responded to the 2020 Tildes Census (in fact I would imagine maybe 10% of us did), I'm going to use it as a model to touch on these issues. There were a total of 350 responses to the survey. Of this 86% were male, 67% were heterosexual, 75% were atheist or agnostic (50, 25 respectively), 52% were from the US, and 47% identified as white or Caucasian. I point all of this out to say that as a population we tend to trend towards a particular kind of individual. To be clear, this isn't necessarily bad - we are still quite a small website and we need to start somewhere with a base we know how to pull from.

      But this does present a unique problem when it comes to interaction. Let's imagine for a second that 1 in 100 individuals has some sort of problematic behavior on Tildes that manages to find its way into discussion. This behavior might be that they have a strong intolerant opinion on a specific subject but manage to obscure it enough to get past the intolerance detecting capabilities of others. Or perhaps their views are not intolerant, but they simply possess a strong opinion on how something should be worded or an aversion to a particular kind of venting. Because I don't want to throw anyone under the bus I'm going to pull from an upsetting behavior I used to have in my childhood - I couldn't shut my mouth when people would bring up that women make '70 cents on the dollar'.

      It's very hard for me to look back and definitively say it was one shaping experience that led me to behave like that. If I had to attribute this shameful behavior, I think there's a few major players. First off, I grew up in an upper middle class family who happened to be located in an area that was very homogeneous. I went to school with the children of tech millionaires, many of whom were white and quite privileged. I think there were a grand total of 4 people of color in my middle school. Things got a lot better once I had made it to high school (by numbers, whites were in the minority), but there's a subtle cultural indoctrination that happens through absorbing what you hear from parents and teachers at a young age. As a young child, I also latched on to early internet behavior. People who were pedantic about grammar, who could use logic effectively, and otherwise followed the rules that rich white people before them set up as the 'correct' way to do discuss were revered on the internet. I remember when being the grammar police was behavior that was actually celebrated. This kind of mindset lead me to read into the research on the matter (also primarily conducted by rich white folks, another bias I'm trying to undo in my life) and the modern research suggested that this figure was outdated and poorly controlled.

      I was the 1 in 100 users with the problematic behavior. It took me awhile to learn that I wasn't helping anyone out by offering this information up (turns out there were a lot of people already doing the same work I was and people are smarter than I gave them credit for), but that only scratches at the surface of the real problem. The real problem is that I didn't have the lived experience of a woman entering spaces where this discussion was happening. I wasn't the woman who received less pay than their colleagues, who put in more hours, who spoke up but was talked over, whose ideas were restated by their male peers, or who clicked on an article link talking about pay inequality or women's rights and how far we still have to go and was met with hostile comments. I didn't know how soul-crushing it could be to be met with nearly the same resistance in every public sphere where this was being discussed. I didn't know how tiring it was to have to justify my existence and to explain my struggles to those who hadn't lived the same life as me. I didn't know how heart wrenching it would feel for someone I valued, trusted, and loved to express opinions like these years after I had built up a strong bond with them and for them to be entirely unaware of the damage they were causing.

      To be clear, when I say understand I mean to have either experienced it directly enough to begin to actually place myself in the shoes of others or heard about it enough for their experience to truly sink in. It's one thing to acknowledge and know that this behavior exists, it's another to live it and see it first hand on a day where you're hanging on by a thread. To truly understand how mentally exhausting it can be to treated this way was something that escaped my comprehension because I could only live this experience through the words of others. I didn't really start to appreciate this until I got older, because I started recognizing how universal this experience truly was. I don't think I know a single female who doesn't have a story of sexual assault - the rate at which they respond with something in their lives is a stark reminder of how far we still have to come.

      What I knew, but didn't truly understand is that if 1 in 100 users have problematic behavior and 1 in 100 users are transgender, we have an equal number of transgender individuals as we do users with problematic behavior. I want you to stop here and reread the last sentence and really absorb it before moving on. Ask yourself what problems might arise by these inequality existing.

      In this hypothetical we have an even number of individuals who are going to participate in a thread about a transgender issue as we have transgender individuals. If even 1 of these transgender individuals decides they do not want to engage with this behavior, we're on a downwards slope to eventually having nearly no transgender representation as now they are outnumbered and their voice is more likely to be drowned out by the problematic individuals. As less and less people of the minority engage, because they are discouraged by the expressions of the problematic individuals, less people will wish to engage as the threads become increasingly more hostile.

      The problem we have on tildes is that the only way I see for us to become more diverse is to ask for more from those who have, to protect those who do not. I'm calling on everyone to pay closer attention to the intended audience of a thread. We need to look at how discussions are happening throughout the entirety of a thread and do a better job being welcoming of the minority opinion. We need to elevate and celebrate the voices of the minorities in these threads so that they are equal in paradigm to the voices which counter theirs. If a thread's topic is about a minority class such as gays we need to ensure that gays get an equal voice - if one person is dominating replies to gays in the comments, we need to be good allies and help balance the scales.

      We also need to stop and think about how these discussions usually play out on the rest of the internet. Do you ever see something like this on twitter and go "definitely not checking the comments"? We need to pay attention to this, and strive to ensure the same doesn't eventually apply to Tildes.

      A common example of this that I've seen is present in threads directed at specific minorities. The early discussion in a fantastic thread titled What's hard about being a woman? exemplifies this issue - because there aren't enough women on Tildes, the thread was dominated by male voices. Only one of these individuals were particularly problematic, but there was a hesitation from women I knew to enter this thread because an environment dominated by the male voice is not welcoming. Some of the women who entered this thread were met with replies challenging some of what they said, rather than elevating their voices and celebrating their participation. A small minority of men were in this thread to learn, but weren't aware of how the way they engage with other men on the internet was not appropriate for this venue. They didn't stop to consider that a thread dominated by male voices was neither welcoming nor a good start. If they had merely waited for women to start populating the thread, and replied to them, or opened soft with commentary on what they had seen in women without providing too much analysis they may have made the thread more welcoming.

      Another common example of this that I see happened in a thread I posted titled Stop telling women they have imposter syndrome. I actually had to stop myself from posting in this thread because I had an inkling that it was going to exemplify the behavior I wanted to address in a thread like this and I didn't want to disrupt what would naturally happen on Tildes absent my intervention. Nearly every reply in that thread criticizes the author for not mentioning that men can have impostor syndrome too. Imagine entering this thread as a woman - even if you emotionally connected with the author on some level, would you bother engaging when highly regarded comments focus on nitpicking the author for not being 'inclusive' enough? As far as I could tell, even the title doesn't call upon the reader to critically examine what imposter syndrome is and who is eligible to suffer from it. It's calling upon the reader to stop telling women that they have imposter syndrome (or to stop others when they make this statement), when the problem is a sexist environment. I've even received recognition from women on Tildes outside of this thread (through DMs and discussions on different platforms) who thank me for posting these threads, but their voice is often conspicuously absent from the thread itself. I do not want to speak on their behalf, but I can guess that a major reason for that is the environment we are creating here on Tildes is not welcoming enough for them to feel it is worth commenting.

      The insidious part of this problem is that very often the people creating a hostile environment do not intend to do so. They truly wish to be inclusive. Or they see behavior like this and they don't understand why it's problematic - it doesn't cause a flag to go off in their brain which tells them that they should jump in and fight on behalf of the people they want to protect. But this behavior is slowly causing minority individuals to flee this website. I don't know and cannot know them all, but waking up to PMs about someone else leaving makes my heart sink. Entering threads about the intersectional minorities that I find myself and my loved ones a part of often makes me feel similarly upset, downtrodden, and makes me feel like I want to engage less and less with this platform.

      I wish I had an answer. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make everything better. To give everyone omniscience, or at least a day's firsthand experience of someone radically different than them. Unfortunately, I do not. I think the best I can offer at this time is this post - a call on all of us to do better; a start of an ongoing discussion on how we can protect the minorities among us so that we can be bettered by their presence.

      98 votes
    36. What did you do this week?

      As part of a weekly series, these topics are a place for users to casually discuss the things they did — or didn't do — during their week. Did you accomplish any goals? Suffer a failure? Do...

      As part of a weekly series, these topics are a place for users to casually discuss the things they did — or didn't do — during their week. Did you accomplish any goals? Suffer a failure? Do nothing at all? Tell us about it!

      10 votes
    37. What did you do this weekend?

      As part of a weekly series, these topics are a place for users to casually discuss the things they did — or didn't do — during their weekend. Did you make any plans? Take a trip? Do nothing at...

      As part of a weekly series, these topics are a place for users to casually discuss the things they did — or didn't do — during their weekend. Did you make any plans? Take a trip? Do nothing at all? Tell us about it!

      9 votes
    38. Tildes "Screenless Day" Brainstorming Thread

      I floated an idea in the quitting reddit topic about setting up a sort of "Screenless Day": Would anyone be interested in participating in a sort of designated “screenless day”? It’s something...

      I floated an idea in the quitting reddit topic about setting up a sort of "Screenless Day":

      Would anyone be interested in participating in a sort of designated “screenless day”?

      It’s something I’ve been thinking about trying to organize for a while. I’m thinking it’s something we could set it up among us here at Tildes and shoot for, say, one day a month where we all agree to not turn on any of our screens and do literally anything else. The following day, once we come back online, we can talk about what we did, how it felt, etc.

      It seemed like we have a few users here who might be interested, so I figured we could talk things out here about how we might implement it.

      The main things I think we need to consider are:

      Scheduling: having a specific calendar day centralizes efforts but also limits individual autonomy -- how can we organize this so it's simultaneously communal but also allows for individual flexibility?

      Parameters: this is much more about the spirit of something than about hard and fast rules, but I think it benefits us to have a baseline guideline for what constitutes "screenlessness" (e.g. someone going on a hike might still use the GPS on their phone, and that can seem like a "violation" but is still very much in the spirit of the day)

      I'll also qualify that I'm not beholden to "screenless" as the focus in the slightest. We could easily do something that's "unplugged" or "no social media" or whatever. Also I don't even have to be the leader of this! If someone else is wanting to take the reins I am more than happy with that, but I also don't mind driving the bus either.

      Anyway, drop your thoughts here about how we can best roll this out. This is our brainstorming session, so nothing is set in stone and everything is up for consideration right now!

      26 votes
    39. What exactly is an NFT and why is it suddenly all over the news?

      What is an NFT and what makes them valuable? I know I can just Google this, but Tilders are smart and will provide an accessible, nuanced and complete comment on the technology that I won't get...

      What is an NFT and what makes them valuable?

      I know I can just Google this, but Tilders are smart and will provide an accessible, nuanced and complete comment on the technology that I won't get elsewhere.

      Besides the technology itself, I'm interested in knowing why it drew so much attention recently. What prompted NFT's sudden notoriety?

      29 votes
    40. Quitting Reddit follow up thread

      Last week there was a discussion where a few folks took the plunge and quit reddit, including myself. @acdw mentioned us having a ~noreddit community to support each other and I actually really...

      Last week there was a discussion where a few folks took the plunge and quit reddit, including myself.

      @acdw mentioned us having a ~noreddit community to support each other and I actually really liked the idea. But in lieu of that, I thought maybe a follow up thread might be a good idea. Just to see how everyone who quit reddit is doing, what challenges they've faced, and maybe share alternative ways to kill time.


      For me, I've done pretty well. I've been to reddit a few times by accident (damn you, muscle memory!), scrolled a little, then remembered I quit. Then I mov on to something else. In its place I've spent a lot more time on twitter and medium. I have a very strong love/hate relationship with both of those sites. There's a lot of decent content there, but there's a ton of garbage to sift through. Very much like reddit in that regard, but not quite as easy to fine-tune, imo.

      Anyone got any good recommendations?

      42 votes
    41. What's something that was ahead of its time?

      I think "ahead of its time" is a fairly commonly understood phrase, but just in case it's more regional or idiomatic than I'm aware of, it means to be far forward of where everybody else currently...

      I think "ahead of its time" is a fairly commonly understood phrase, but just in case it's more regional or idiomatic than I'm aware of, it means to be far forward of where everybody else currently is. This often isn't apparent in the moment and isn't until later, when advancements are made and the rest of the world catches up, that it's clear that the [whatever] was really "living in the future" all along.

      So, what's something you believe was ahead of its time and why?

      Anything is fair game -- it can be an idea, a device, a person, a book/movie/game, etc.

      24 votes
    42. What did you do this weekend?

      As part of a weekly series, these topics are a place for users to casually discuss the things they did — or didn't do — during their weekend. Did you make any plans? Take a trip? Do nothing at...

      As part of a weekly series, these topics are a place for users to casually discuss the things they did — or didn't do — during their weekend. Did you make any plans? Take a trip? Do nothing at all? Tell us about it!

      9 votes
    43. Where are you from?

      I'm curious to know where ~ users are from! I live in the United States in the greatest state in the union (Minnesota, of course!) The land of Target, passive-aggression, and wishing Prince wasn't...

      I'm curious to know where ~ users are from!

      I live in the United States in the greatest state in the union (Minnesota, of course!) The land of Target, passive-aggression, and wishing Prince wasn't dead. Oh, and 10,000 11,842 lakes.

      Edit 9: Super Ultra 2019 Updated Crappy Map of the World

      *Edit- If you'd like to be counted, add a top level comment. I've counted all child comments up to this point, but may not catch all of you. Also, I may slow down here pretty quick.


      Current count:

      Australia: 5
      Austria: 3
      Belgium: 3
      Brasil: 7
      Canada: 22
      Chile: 1
      China: 2
      *Hong Kong: 1
      Croatia: 1
      Czech Republic: 1
      Denmark: 1
      Egypt: 2
      Estonia: 1
      Finland: 4
      France: 5
      Germany: 10
      Hungary: 1
      Iceland: 2
      India: 12
      Ireland: 3
      Israel: 1
      Italy: 3
      Japan: 1
      Kenya: 1
      Kosovo: 1
      Lebanon: 1
      Lithuania: 2
      Malaysia: 1
      Mexico: 2
      Mongolia: 1
      Morocco: 1
      Nepal: 1
      Netherlands: 5
      New Zealand: 5
      Norway: 2
      Philippines: 1
      Poland: 2
      Portugal: 2
      Romania: 1
      Russia: 3
      Singapore: 3
      Slovenia: 1
      South Africa: 2
      South Korea: 1
      Spain: 4
      Switzerland: 1
      Sweden: 3
      Thailand: 1
      Turkey: 1
      UAE: 2
      Ukraine: 1
      UK: 15
      USA: 119
      *Puerto Rico: 1
      Vietnam: 1

      146 votes
    44. 2-person boardgames?

      My girlfriend and I have had a habit of going straight to watching movies and tv-series when we hang out, because due to lockdown almost everything is closed, so we don't really have a lot of...

      My girlfriend and I have had a habit of going straight to watching movies and tv-series when we hang out, because due to lockdown almost everything is closed, so we don't really have a lot of activities to choose from.

      We also play games occassionally, recently scrabble on our phones. But what other boardgames work well when there are only 2 players?

      Edit: Wow! I can't possibly respond to everyone but I didn't expect so many people to comment with help. Thank you so much!

      23 votes
    45. What are the single best resources for learning something new?

      When learning something new, often available resources are lacking in some departments - whether they're missing information, poorly written, or tedious and dry. But occasionally, some content...

      When learning something new, often available resources are lacking in some departments - whether they're missing information, poorly written, or tedious and dry. But occasionally, some content just stands out as above and beyond the rest, serving to not only make the learning process enjoyable but also to kindle interest in further exploration. What is that for you?

      This could encompass everything from computer programming to literary criticism, and could be in the form of a website, book, video tutorial, or the like.

      13 votes
    46. Do any of you use productivity software (kanbans, scrum, etc)? How do you stay productive and organized?

      I think I want to use some type of productivity software as a bit of a more in-depth to do list. I am thinking of using Trello, which seems to have a ton of features and does mostly what I want....

      I think I want to use some type of productivity software as a bit of a more in-depth to do list. I am thinking of using Trello, which seems to have a ton of features and does mostly what I want. However, I have no need for any of the collaboration aspects as I wouldn't be using this with a team or coworkers, just myself. So I am wondering if there isn't some other software I can use to stay organized that doesn't have a ton of features I won't use. Do any of you all use something similar? Open to all suggestions, both for programs or general practices.

      13 votes
    47. What did you do this week?

      As part of a weekly series, these topics are a place for users to casually discuss the things they did — or didn't do — during their week. Did you accomplish any goals? Suffer a failure? Do...

      As part of a weekly series, these topics are a place for users to casually discuss the things they did — or didn't do — during their week. Did you accomplish any goals? Suffer a failure? Do nothing at all? Tell us about it!

      4 votes