aphoenix's recent activity

  1. Comment on What have you learned from moving to a new place? in ~talk

    aphoenix
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    I moved this past summer and have amassed much wisdom. These are things that were thrown in my face via moving, but don't necessarily pertain directly to moving: Get rid of things you don't need,...

    I moved this past summer and have amassed much wisdom. These are things that were thrown in my face via moving, but don't necessarily pertain directly to moving:

    • Get rid of things you don't need, but be mindful and intentional as you do so.
    • You get what you pay for, but there is a point of diminishing returns.
    • A task isn't done until you've cleaned up after it.
    • Most things can be used by someone else; don't default to putting something in a landfill.
    • Every [X] years, do a Purge Of Stuff. Don't wait it out and keep accumulating.

    These pertain directly to moving:

    • If you have a lot of stuff then, if possible, close on your sale at least 3 weeks after your purchase, and spread your move out. .
    • Deep clean before moving anything in. An empty house is 100 times easier to clean.
    • The Garage is not a staging area. If you dump stuff in the garage, it will stay there.
    • Staging your house is worth it. Most people don't see possibilities, they see what's there.
    2 votes
  2. Comment on Trevor Noah stepping down as host of The Daily Show after seven years in ~tv

    aphoenix
    Link
    A big question going around is who would be a good replacement? Two names that I'm seeing a lot (and agree with) are Jessica Williams and Samantha Bee. I think both of them would be amazing, but I...

    A big question going around is who would be a good replacement? Two names that I'm seeing a lot (and agree with) are Jessica Williams and Samantha Bee. I think both of them would be amazing, but I personally hope it goes to Jessica Williams, and not just because it closes the loop on Hot Tub Time Machine 2.

    2 votes
  3. Comment on Announcing Tildes' Make Something Month (Timasomo) for 2022! in ~tildes

    aphoenix
    Link
    I've recently moved, and while most of the house has gotten under control there are two big areas under my purview that are still uncontrolled - my office, and the garage. I will probably "make" a...

    I've recently moved, and while most of the house has gotten under control there are two big areas under my purview that are still uncontrolled - my office, and the garage. I will probably "make" a space in one of them.

    If it is the office, this will be unpacking, getting some storage put together, installing a mini-kitchenette on one end, and generally bringing everything together in a way that I could invite clients or coworkers if needed.

    If it is the garage, get everything organized, change the shelving situation all around, and make it so that the cars can be parked inside.

    3 votes
  4. Comment on TV Tuesdays Free Talk in ~tv

    aphoenix
    Link
    I've been watching Rings of Power (and if anyone wants to chat fan theories, I'm down) and slowly catching up on the two latest marvel shows (Ms Marvel and She Hulk). Rings of Power I would say is...

    I've been watching Rings of Power (and if anyone wants to chat fan theories, I'm down) and slowly catching up on the two latest marvel shows (Ms Marvel and She Hulk). Rings of Power I would say is "good" and both the marvel shows are pretty good. They both have more interesting things to say than a lot of other Marvel stuff.

    I was thinking of getting back into American Horror Story; I left off it at some point.

  5. Comment on What games have you been playing, and what's your opinion on them? in ~games

    aphoenix
    Link
    A bit of Wastelands 2: Definitive Edition. I'm probably going to play Wastelands 3 just after this. WL2 is a squad based post-apocalyptic RPG. I'll share that the main reason I picked it up is...

    A bit of Wastelands 2: Definitive Edition. I'm probably going to play Wastelands 3 just after this. WL2 is a squad based post-apocalyptic RPG. I'll share that the main reason I picked it up is because a friend of mine is a CM at inXile (the game company that made this) but I would have been happy to have purchased the game even if it wasn't to support a personal friend. The game is funny, the gameplay is good, the story is good, the voice acting is good. It's all pretty good.

    I'm trying to finish off Ascension 20 in Slay The Spire. I got through Ascension 19 without really reading any guides, but I broke down and started doing some reading and I've found that I have come to some fundamentally different conclusions from other people, so I'm trying to adjust my thinking and get better.

    I fired up Elite Dangerous the other day and played for a half hour or so. I'm on the Engineer Slog right now, which is why I stopped the last time I was really into things. It is... a slog. I wish it wasn't a hard requirement to do things because the story right now is absolutely cool and I would love to be taking part in the Thargoid invasion more, but I have like 20 hours of engineering grinding before I'm even going to meet the bare minimum of being a bug hunter. Ah well.

    5 votes
  6. Comment on :-) is 40 years old now in ~comp

    aphoenix
    Link Parent
    Maybe I'm just too demanding... don't make me chase you.

    Maybe I'm just too demanding... don't make me chase you.

    1 vote
  7. Comment on TV Tuesdays Free Talk in ~tv

    aphoenix
    Link Parent
    I think they are definitely hitting their stride with the pacing. I understand how difficult it's going to be to compress thousands of years into five seasons (or however many they're doing), so I...

    I think they are definitely hitting their stride with the pacing. I understand how difficult it's going to be to compress thousands of years into five seasons (or however many they're doing), so I expected it to be a bit of a mess to start with. I think there are a few sloppy things happening, but I'm generally fairly happy overall with things. I'm interested in seeing where they take some storylines.

    Spoilers for Rings of Power up to Episode 4 and sundry sources in Tolkien's legendarium - ideas about Adar, The Stranger, Halbrand

    I wonder who Adar is. I think there are some good options: he could be one of the first orcs, and thus closer to being an elf than an orc (since orcs are just corrupted elves). Since "Adar" means "father" I think this definitely is a possibility. I think it would be better if it was Maeglin - a dark Elf of Beleriand who helped Morgoth. He died "off screen" in the Silmarillion and could be still alive and allied with Sauron.

    The Stranger raises similar questions. I've seen people suggest he is Gandalf or Saruman which I hope must be wrong - I think the change is too much of a deviation from the source material. Some people seem to think he is Sauron, but I don't think Sauron should have arrived via meteor; he would already have been in Middle-Earth. He could be a new Maia, likely evil (his fire is cold, and it's noted in other places that evil fire doesn't burn), and likely fiery. Maybe a human form of a Balrog? Maybe a new member of the Maiar that we just haven't seen? Maybe one of the blue istari?

    Halbrand - I've seen people suggest that he is Sauron, but I think Sauron hasn't actually been on-screen. I think Halbrand is who they present him as - a southron king. I think he's most interesting because of who he will become; likely a Nazgul.

    2 votes
  8. Comment on TV Tuesdays Free Talk in ~tv

    aphoenix
    Link
    Anyone else watching Rings of Power?

    Anyone else watching Rings of Power?

    2 votes
  9. Comment on What have you learned from being a parent? in ~talk

    aphoenix
    Link Parent
    Understood! I appreciate the full explanation greatly, by the way, so thank you for sticking with me. I'm always interested in reading and understanding how thoughtful, purposeful, deliberate...

    Oh these are not mutually exclusive....I just didn't dig into it in depth. You actually describe almost exactly what we do for most things. The punishment doesn't come until that kind of policy is violated, multiple times.

    Understood! I appreciate the full explanation greatly, by the way, so thank you for sticking with me. I'm always interested in reading and understanding how thoughtful, purposeful, deliberate people approach things, usually so I can learn something.

    2 votes
  10. Comment on What have you learned from being a parent? in ~talk

    aphoenix
    Link Parent
    That's at least as important as anything else I learned above. It doesn't get less important when they're teenagers either.

    It's a great cure for laziness. There are so many fun things I am motivated to do. Not because I want to. Not because my kid wants to. But because it is good for us all to get outside and do something new together (and if I don't get the little adorable psychopath out of the house, we will all loose our shit.)

    That's at least as important as anything else I learned above.

    It doesn't get less important when they're teenagers either.

    3 votes
  11. Comment on What have you learned from being a parent? in ~talk

    aphoenix
    Link Parent
    I'll also pile on to "you eat what we eat" and "sleep training". Both were incredibly important, and we've had kids sleeping through the night from ~6 months old, and sleeping through in their own...

    I'll also pile on to "you eat what we eat" and "sleep training". Both were incredibly important, and we've had kids sleeping through the night from ~6 months old, and sleeping through in their own rooms. And like @streblo our bedtime routine starts relatively early compared to some of the other parents we know. My brother's kids (who are one and three) start their bed routine at 8:30, which is after my seven year old is typically asleep.

    We also did our sleep training like you did - 5 / 15 / 30. We also found that coupled with baby sign we could often just deal with stuff - if the baby was crying and then signed for milk, then easy peasy.

    3 votes
  12. Comment on What have you learned from being a parent? in ~talk

    aphoenix
    Link Parent
    First, I'll acknowledge that I cherry-picked something easy in my example, so I just want to break down what I might do in the situation you described (mostly as an exercise for myself). This is...

    .. if he snuck one of my devices that he knows he's not allowed to use without asking and broke that, then I'd likely have a different reaction.

    First, I'll acknowledge that I cherry-picked something easy in my example, so I just want to break down what I might do in the situation you described (mostly as an exercise for myself).

    This is lengthy and maybe not useful, and sounds a bit "punishmenty" anyways. If my son took my iPad after bed time and broke it, there would be a bit of a discussion about how that made me feel. I'd let him know that I was sad and angry that he broke something of mine, and that I was disappointed in the choices that he'd made, and we would discuss how he felt about causing my sadness, anger, and disappointment, and why he was breaking a house rule by looking at screens after lights-out. We would discuss trust, using other people's things without permission, work hardware vs. home hardware, screen access etc. Then we would discuss how to make things better. This would likely include a plan from him to figure out how to repay the value of whatever was broken and a discussion about the privilege of access to the internet. For a 7-year old, I wouldn't hold him accountable for the full value of my iPad, but we would probably come to an agreement where he provided a service of some kind for some amount of working off his "debt" such as weed the interlocking bricks outside for some amount of hours, for example.

    I guess that's sort of like punishment with extra steps, but I think it should be self-directed, and I think it is similar to what I would do if, say, my mom came over and took my iPad without asking and broke it. I have "power" over my kids, so I try not to exercise the power of parenthood to punish. Instead, I try to enact the same sort of reaction that I would have with someone over whom I have no power. And I'm not perfect, so I don't always do this right, and sometimes things do make me angry, so I might make a snap judgment that is bad and enact a punishment that is nonsensical and anger-based; if that happens, when I have calmed down, I will rescind the punishment, and apologize for my mistake, and then we will have a rational discussion.

    2 votes
  13. Comment on What have you learned from being a parent? in ~talk

    aphoenix
    Link Parent
    I meant that as a parent, if you make a mistake, apologize to your child, but I also agree that what you brought up is an issue. I think that in the long run, though, if your kid has integrity,...

    I meant that as a parent, if you make a mistake, apologize to your child, but I also agree that what you brought up is an issue. I think that in the long run, though, if your kid has integrity, then adults will understand that about your kid, so when they say, "I did push him, but these things also happened" then adults, once they get to know your kid, will understand and believe them over other kids that don't have integrity.

    But there are also other things to teach, which is that not adults can be trusted; while it is important to be truthful to me I don't encourage my kids to bring up everything with, say, their principal or their boss. Not everyone is on your side, so be truthful, but don't overshare!

    2 votes
  14. Comment on What have you learned from being a parent? in ~talk

    aphoenix
    Link Parent
    To clarify, I did not claim that all sneaking is to avoid punishment. Sometimes my kids don't share stuff, and they do so for a variety of reasons, but it's not to avoid punishment. And some...

    To clarify, I did not claim that all sneaking is to avoid punishment. Sometimes my kids don't share stuff, and they do so for a variety of reasons, but it's not to avoid punishment. And some people (and I'm not saying this is you) are just sneaky and will do so no matter what your policy is, so apply anything I say with a grain of salt, because no two people are exactly the same.

    My point was that punishment doesn't usually correct behaviour, it encourages hiding behaviour.

    1 vote
  15. Comment on What have you learned from being a parent? in ~talk

    aphoenix
    Link Parent
    Great additions, and I might also add an 11.a or 12.a - if you make a mistake and it involves your kid, then take ownership and apologize! Accept mistakes, normalize mistakes, accept...

    Great additions, and I might also add an 11.a or 12.a - if you make a mistake and it involves your kid, then take ownership and apologize! Accept mistakes, normalize mistakes, accept responsibility, normalize responsibility.

    4 votes
  16. Comment on What have you learned from being a parent? in ~talk

    aphoenix
    Link Parent
    It has been my experience that most things already have natural consequences. If you break something, it is broken and doesn't exist; if you treat someone poorly, they don't like you as much. If...

    It has been my experience that most things already have natural consequences. If you break something, it is broken and doesn't exist; if you treat someone poorly, they don't like you as much. If you drink, you feel lousy and have a hangover. We usually try to identify what the natural consequences of actions are, and talk about them, and we don't just fix them. For example, my son broke an electronic device at the beginning of the summer. When I was a kid, if I broke something, I would get punished for it; I would have to do yard work of some kind, or I'd be grounded and wouldn't be able to go out with my friends. But the natural consequence of breaking something is that it is broken. When my son broke his device, we didn't give him heck for it; I gave him a hug and commiserated with him about it. We talked about how it sucks to not have your tablet, and we came up with a plan for getting a new tablet. And over time he "saved up enough" (ie. we waited an arbitrary number of weeks) and he was able to get a new one.

    He learned:

    • if I'm not careful with my stuff, it can break
    • stuff can be replaced - it's just "stuff", and if it breaks it isn't the end of the world
    • I can deal with not having a tablet
    • money doesn't grow on trees - we need to plan for big purchases
    • I can tell my dad when I break something and he'll help

    I definitely agree that it is important for kids to learn that actions have consequences, but I think that it's also really important for kids to not have to learn "when I tell dad about stuff, he punishes me to try to teach me a lesson". Instead, help them see the lesson that already exists and work with them to avoid it in the future.

    3 votes
  17. Comment on What have you learned from being a parent? in ~talk

    aphoenix
    Link Parent
    I think that all of the reasons that you listed are incredibly important ones for avoiding having drunk teenagers - and I want to avoid having my teenager drink too much as well - but I think that...

    I think that all of the reasons that you listed are incredibly important ones for avoiding having drunk teenagers - and I want to avoid having my teenager drink too much as well - but I think that a policy of understanding and safety is a better one than punishment and retribution.

    And honestly, more than anything...it's going to because they were sneaking around and hiding/lying about it when confronted.

    In my opinion, there is a circular issue here; sneaking and lying is usually to avoid punishment, so if kids are used to being punished for transgressions, then they'll know that when they do something bad they will a) not tell you about it and b) not trust you enough to tell you when they have problems.

    We have a policy with our kids (though we only have one teenager right now) which is:

    • drinking is what it is - it will happen at teenagers' parties
    • if you get drunk, you can call and we will come pick you up without judgment (same goes for friends)
    • if you are in any situation where you don't feel safe, you can call and we will come pick you up without judgment

    More generally, we have a policy of "if you make a mistake, tell us about it, and we will try to help". This policy has helped a lot, because many of my friends' kids (or my kids' friends) immediately try to hide their mistakes from their parents, because when they make a mistake, they know that they are going to be punished. When our kids make a mistake, they usually come to us and let us know, and we figure out what we can do together to fix things. It means that our kids tend not to sneak around and hide; when they make bad choices (and all kids, especially teenagers make bad choices) then they come to us with them and we don't have a nasty surprise later.

    2 votes
  18. Comment on What have you learned from being a parent? in ~talk

    aphoenix
    Link Parent
    I agree with everything you have said, I'm just not clear on how punishment addresses this instead of communication, introduction which breeds familiarity, and support with understanding. For the...

    I agree with everything you have said, I'm just not clear on how punishment addresses this instead of communication, introduction which breeds familiarity, and support with understanding. For the most part, I think punishment for things is fairly archaic, and usually results in the opposite of what is intended. If you punish a teenager for something, then they're a lot more likely to continue with the behaviour and then try to hide it from you, and not stop the behaviour. In my experience as a parent, if you come at things from support, education, and understanding, it's a lot easier to get your kid of any age to understand what you want them to understand, but if you come at them with the idea of authority and power, then they will rebel and not listen.

    Of course, there is a limit beyond which punishment is probably required, but if you always approach things from an open and educational perspective instead of from a "I am the dad and my word is law and you shall do as I say" point of view, then kids are a lot more likely to listen.

    3 votes
  19. Comment on What have you learned from being a parent? in ~talk

    aphoenix
    Link Parent
    May I ask why you think that being drunk requires punishment?

    When my future teenager inevitably comes home very drunk or high, going to give them junk food, a glass of water, and put them to bed. Lecture/punishment comes in the morning.

    May I ask why you think that being drunk requires punishment?

    4 votes