first-must-burn's recent activity
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Comment on Wired vs. wireless mouse and keyboard? in ~tech
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Comment on List animals until failure in ~games
first-must-burn Link ParentIt will replace a less specific animal with a more specific one, so it replaces snake with cobra, but then you can also do python, asp, etc.It will replace a less specific animal with a more specific one, so it replaces snake with cobra, but then you can also do python, asp, etc.
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Comment on List animals until failure in ~games
first-must-burn Link ParentHa! I got exactly the same score! https://rose.systems/animalist 88 animals listed πβπ¦Ίπ±πππ€πππ΄πππ±π¦π¦π¦¦π¦ π¦π¦π¦π¦π¦π¦πΏπ¦π¦π»π¦π§π¦π¦π¦’π¦π¬π³π ππππππ·π·π·π·ππ π¦ππ’ππ¦π‘π¦π¦¬ππι―π¦Ha! I got exactly the same score!
https://rose.systems/animalist
88 animals listed
πβπ¦Ίπ±πππ€πππ΄πππ±π«π¦π¦π¦¦π¦ π¦π¦π¦π¦π¦π¦πΏπ¦π¦π»π¦π§π¦π¦πͺΏπ¦’π¦π¬π³π πͺΈππππππ·π·π·π·ππ π¦ππ’ππ¦π‘π«π«π¦π¦¬ππι―π¦ -
Comment on Someone made a social media website for AI agents in ~tech
first-must-burn LinkImagine having a CAPTCHA to prove you're an AI agent. Maybe responding quickly to a variety of general knowledge questions.Imagine having a CAPTCHA to prove you're an AI agent. Maybe responding quickly to a variety of general knowledge questions.
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Comment on What healthy habit has made a difference for you? in ~health
first-must-burn Link ParentSecond all this about water, but for me the drug of choice is seltzer water. I switched from ~6 diet dr peppers a day to seltzer water, and I started drinking way more water. Probably 2-3 liters a...Second all this about water, but for me the drug of choice is seltzer water. I switched from ~6 diet dr peppers a day to seltzer water, and I started drinking way more water. Probably 2-3 liters a day. I had lots of IBS-like symptoms that had bothered me for years, and they just ... went away.
A little TMI
but bowel movements are also much easier.
To get caffeine, I started taking a caffeine pill, and I only drink water, except the occasional tea or root beer when at a restaurant. The pills I take are 100 milligrams of caffeine (about half a cup of coffee) and 200 mg of L-theanine. The theanine makes me less jittery than the caffeine alone. Separating hydration from caffeination has helped me cut my caffeine intake considerably. Most days I just take the one pill in the mid morning, and occasionally a second one at lunch if I'm really dragging.
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Comment on What's something you've moved on from? in ~talk
first-must-burn Link ParentGoing fully into atheism or agnosticism is by far the most common outcome, so I don't think it's an unreasonable assumption :) I had it easier than most. I am a straight, white, cis man β...Also- I did, but didn't intend to, assume exactly where you landed belief/practice-wise post evangelicalism
Going fully into atheism or agnosticism is by far the most common outcome, so I don't think it's an unreasonable assumption :) I had it easier than most. I am a straight, white, cis man β evangelicalism was made for me β and most of my trauma is around undoing those patterns and biases in myself, rather than being harmed by them as so many have been.
At the core, Jesus' teaching (like, just the red letters) are not a bad way to approach one's fellow humans. They give me a way to connect with my wife and a common framing for talking with my daughter. But I think if things had unfolded a little differently, I could see myself just as easily settle into agnosticism.
That's why "Theophany", the song by Josh Ritter, resonates so strongly with me. Suppose there was a "god" (in the sense of some being different and more powerful than us) and that being interacted with people in the distant past. After thousands of years of shaping the history of that interaction to support a narrative, reinforce power structures, and control the way people think, would that original interaction even be recognizable?
I think that's why biblical inerrancy is such a big deal to evangelicals. Growing up, nothing would get you in trouble faster than questioning the Bible. Looking at it now, I see that it provides a convenient justification for enforcing certain norms as well as excusing a lot of morally questionable behavior. But if I take that away as a foundation, and start questioning everything, there's not much left. And then I started asking myself whether trying to untangle some semblance of truth from it all was really worth it. If I were to stay in the community, I don't think my ideas would really be welcome, and I don't think wrestling with people theologically is either my calling or a fun-sounding hobby.
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Comment on My relationship feels like it's collapsing and I don't know what to do in ~life
first-must-burn Link Parent(Responding to this whole bit of your message, but not quoting all of it) There were a couple of pieces to it (and probably more that I'm not thinking of): I made my peace that our house was just...How did you find that reframing? It feels kind of like there's this expectation for me to just acquiesce to her anxiety and buy in all the way, without any kind of... I don't want to say pushback, but do you know what I mean? ... I think I just don't know how to respond in a way that makes her feel comforted, but that protects my own peace.
(Responding to this whole bit of your message, but not quoting all of it)
There were a couple of pieces to it (and probably more that I'm not thinking of):
- I made my peace that our house was just not going to be one of those neat and tidy houses. It helped me when we were at one of my daughter's friend's house, and it was equally messy to ours.
- I've found that often if I start cleaning, after a while, she'll start cleaning. Or if we're up against a deadline, I can specifically say, "I'm going to clean the kitchen, can you pick up the living room and the dining room? Or we can switch." I think both strategies are kind of body doubling which is a recognized thing with ADHD.
- In terms of being there to help her process her anxiety, I put some boundaries around how long and when I was willing to do that. She would often start on it later at night and sometimes go on for hours, and it would leave me wound up, anxious, and unable to sleep.
- There was a lot of push and pull over this one before we found equilibrium, and this was one place where the couple therapist was a big help mediating our discussion.
- I found that knowing I could say no made it easier to say yes to it sometimes. (Doing it by choice is easier to handle than it being the default mode).
- Sometimes, she'll call me during the day and tell me she has something she wants/needs to talk about. This lets me save some energy / plan for it in my mind, and sometimes say, "I am too stressed out, can we do it tomorrow".
- She started calling my mom and several of her friends in rotation on her way to work to chat / process some things. This gives her more outlet for that verbal?processing, and by the time we talk, she seems to have a clearer sense of what the most important things are.
- By hearing from her about how she experiences things, I am able to have more empathy for her struggle.
- When I see her in a situation that I think/know will overwhelm her, I can say, "gosh, this must be so overwhelming, do you want a hug?" That has brought us closer.
- I have learned (through trial and error) what kind of strategies work better in different situations. Sometimes, I can see that me "getting involved" will just add to the overwhelm, so I just let her do her thing. Other times, it seems like I can say, you seemed overwhelmed, I think you should just focus on X and Y right now and leave A and B for later.
- Sometimes, I can lend her some executive function. If it's getting later in the morning and she's still in bed on her phone, I will go in and sit or snuggle with her and start talking to her about her day, and that can break her out of that anxious paralysis and help her get going. If she's really struggling, I might offer to do one thing that's supposed to be her responsibility while she does something else, which goes back to the body doubling.
- I try to make my peace with things getting done late/rushed/not the way I would do them. This is tough, especially with kid stuff, but I learned at work that part of delegating effectively or sharing work is recognizing what parts of the work are essential to its success and which parts are just not the way I would have done them. This takes a lot of humility and self-examination, which is good because it's something that I can work on on my own.
- I started following a few Autism/Adhd channels on youtube. Hearing neutral people talk about it helps me keep it "top of mind", and sometimes I get a particularly good insight that helps me, or a strategy, or just a funny video to share e that we can connect about.
- Adhd love is one - the husband does a lot of modeling of empathy, which is useful to sometimes give words and phrasing to fall back on when your uncertain.
- Kaelynn Parlow - she does a lot of autism and adhd advocacy. The video I linked is one I shared with my wife yesterday.
That turned out to be a lot more than I started to write! But it is nice to get it on paper too, and see how the work is going. I hope it helps some!
- I made my peace that our house was just not going to be one of those neat and tidy houses. It helped me when we were at one of my daughter's friend's house, and it was equally messy to ours.
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Comment on Tulioja - SΓ€ oot elΓ€misen arvoinen (2026) in ~music
first-must-burn Link ParentThanks for the translation! Because you said it was a love song, I had some context, but sometimes I'll hear a song in a foreign language and be really surprised when I find out the lyrics....Thanks for the translation! Because you said it was a love song, I had some context, but sometimes I'll hear a song in a foreign language and be really surprised when I find out the lyrics. Example: TrΓΈllabundin by eivΓΈr showed up in my feed with no context, so first I had to find out it was Faroese, then that it was a fantasy love (?) song
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Comment on My relationship feels like it's collapsing and I don't know what to do in ~life
first-must-burn LinkFirst, I want to say, I'm sorry your going through this. It's hard, and you are working hard to make it through. Second, I want to acknowledge that the rest of my post is framed in terms of how I...- Exemplary
First, I want to say, I'm sorry your going through this. It's hard, and you are working hard to make it through.
Second, I want to acknowledge that the rest of my post is framed in terms of how I have worked to sustain my relationship with (maybe) similar problems. I didn't touch at all the idea that this might not be healthy or safe for you. I do feel like that leaving needs to be acknowledged as a legitimate option. That said, the end of your post made it seem that you really want this to continue, so I am speaking into that frame.
For context my wife has ADHD and I am neurotypical, but we have many of the relationship patterns that you have described, though maybe with fewer stressors because we only have one child and a less tight financial situation.
So much of what you wrote about navigating your partner's anxieties resonates with me. That feeling of being captive to the endless anxiety processing, the feeling of being the one to push things forward and make decisions, the messy house that feels endless. I feel it all.
A few years ago, I was the stay-at-home dad, and I had reached a point where I felt like I was just operating to keep the status quo, but there was nothing there in the relationship anymore. I didn't feel like we were equal partners and parenting or taking care of the house or making decisions.
Since then, we have come back from that and really turned a corner in terms of being able to work together. She is still limited in many ways by her anxiety and her ADHD, but I'm limited by other things, so I tried to keep it in perspective.
The thing that really helped us was to find a couples therapist who had ADHD herself. (Though I know with the budget tight and so many demands on your schedule, that may not be an option for you.) The therapist was able to help me understand what it's like from the inside and have more empathy. She was also able to articulate to my wife the challenges that I was feeling and acknowledge those as real. I think it helped both of us see the other person more clearly.
The thing to know about therapy, in relationships in general in my view is that the only person that you can make change is yourself. So you can go to therapy with an eye toward expanding your communication and finding tools to navigate the issues between you, but it's not going to "fix" you or your partner.
I do want to acknowledge that though things are good now in general, many of those patterns still exist. Our house is still chaos. I still have to push forward a lot of the major decisions. There are times when we are centered in my wife's anxiety. But overall I feel like I have a framework for talking to her about it, and we have reached a place where we are genuinely working together. The difference to me is that before I felt alone, and it felt like she was part of the problem. Now it feels like something we are facing together. One of the metaphors is "rowing in the same direction". So I hope that is something you can find with your partner.
A couple of other unconnected thoughts:
If you haven't, you might want to read up on rejection sensitive dysphoria. It sounds like what you may be dealing with with B. Sometimes, giving something an external framing can help navigate it (I find) because it's not like your problem or her problem but it's a problem that people commonly have, and you can talk about it in that framing.
As far as the kids, and maybe the stressors around life in general, it sounds to me like you need a community to support you. I know you just can't manufacture one by snapping your fingers, but I think the way families are generally "on their own" is one of the hardest things about raising kids in modern society. We've connected with a couple of families from my daughter's school, and that has helped a lot. There are times when my daughter is at our house with other kids, which really changes the dynamic since they are occupied with their friends. Then there are times when she's at their house, and we have time to ourselves. I realize that's harder to do with three, but it might make a big difference, even if it's just a few hours a week. Maybe you could start by trying to meet the parents of their friends, or by looking for community events that are aligned with your needs and values.
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Comment on Tulioja - SΓ€ oot elΓ€misen arvoinen (2026) in ~music
first-must-burn LinkI don't speak Finnish, but I enjoyed the vibe. Lovely work!I don't speak Finnish, but I enjoyed the vibe. Lovely work!
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David Bowie on the Internet
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Comment on What's something you've moved on from? in ~talk
first-must-burn Link ParentThe good thing about the church my wife attends and I used to attend is that it is not the church that represents so much of the systematic and personal harm that I've been trying to separate...The good thing about the church my wife attends and I used to attend is that it is not the church that represents so much of the systematic and personal harm that I've been trying to separate from. It's more mainline (Presbyterian, though EPC so kind of middle-of-the-road in terms of being progressive), so while not perfect, it is a far cry from the "religious right" evangelical church I grew up in.
For me, there's no attraction in organized religious practice or the community that's centered in it. The central tenet of my practice, such as it is, has become kenosis or "gentle space making for other wills" (I wrote more about it here).
I'll check out David Bazan, sounds like an interesting listen. Thanks!
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Comment on What's something you've moved on from? in ~talk
first-must-burn Link ParentI read this and had a visceral ugh of sympathy. Having been on a similar journey "out of the bubble", I think this is my biggest challenge socializing in groups with that circle (my wife is still...And I don't mean this harshly, but just as a note, though I'd expect this to be less likely on Tildes- if anyone is a Christian and feels compelled to respond to this in some way, please just don't- I don't want pity or prayers or apologetics or whatever, I've heard it all a thousand times
I read this and had a visceral ugh of sympathy. Having been on a similar journey "out of the bubble", I think this is my biggest challenge socializing in groups with that circle (my wife is still active in the church). Most people are fine 1-1 or in small groups, but I get that "we think you are broken and need fixing" vibe more as the group size grows.
Josh Ritter is an interesting singer whose later work resonates with my journey that you might enjoy. For a funnier take, I recommend Getting Ready to Get Down. He just released Theophany, which is amazing / the best SF short story I've heard in a while.
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Comment on What's something you've moved on from? in ~talk
first-must-burn Link ParentThese are one thing (scary movie scenes are another) I wish I could delete from my brain. Having been on a similar path "out to the edge" and back myself, I'm starting to believe that teens and...making dead babies jokes for shock value
These are one thing (scary movie scenes are another) I wish I could delete from my brain.
Having been on a similar path "out to the edge" and back myself, I'm starting to believe that teens and twenties are a time where that edginess is natural. It's the finals stage in seeing yourself as independent from your parents / guardians.
You have to go to "the edge" to experience what's there and see why it's the edge (in terms of social acceptability and emotional intelligence / empathy). What constitutes "the edge" also varies based on what you've seen in your life and that opportunities and social circles are available to you.
We also know people who never come back from the edge. It hits different to be a "snarky b" in your forties or fifties and really reads (IMO) as immaturity.
I started a new job working with a lot of younger folk and that edgy behavior is everywhere, exacerbated by the startup culture. It mostly feels cringy and performative to me. But for each cringy interaction, I can recall a moment where I or someone I knew in my younger days did the same thing.
I am working to get past feelings of smugness and condescension to find a norm of interacting with folks that builds connections, but to do so in a way where I am still authentically myself, not leaning back into that edginess to relate to people.
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Comment on RCS β SMS via the internet β is good, but it doesn't matter in ~tech
first-must-burn LinkHaving come from a generation where our first non-verbal mobile communication was by pager, my perspective is a little different. Certainly there are problems with these protocols, but it's also...Having come from a generation where our first non-verbal mobile communication was by pager, my perspective is a little different. Certainly there are problems with these protocols, but it's also an amazing ability to be connected. My favorite thing about RCS is that when I send my wife abda few family members pictures and video, they are not crushed to potato quality due to bandwidth limitations of MMS.
RCS is part of the convergence of low end decentralized (SMS) messaging with high end, centralized chat platforms but it clearly lies on the low side. So characterizing it as "bad chat program" misses the "A+ point to point texting platform".
To be fair, I missed out on the "group chat" mentality. (Also I am a bit of a hermit). My biggest practical text groups are 6 people, beyond that I think it's untenable. I am in one larger group chat that I'm only peripherally involved in. Somehow it has held together with 30+ members, but I finally had to mute it because I don't need my phone blowing up at work (or any time really) because someone got a dog or a house and 30 people hearted the message.
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Comment on Lifetime Windows user seeking feedback for improvements on my Linux setup in ~tech
first-must-burn LinkHere's a document I wrote to keep track of all the tweaks I made for my linux machine. It's based on Ubuntu LTS with gnome. My general thinking is that since there's no "one way to do things" in...Here's a document I wrote to keep track of all the tweaks I made for my linux machine. It's based on Ubuntu LTS with gnome. My general thinking is that since there's no "one way to do things" in linux, I wanted the visual placement and hot keys to mirror windows as much as possible to minimize the cost of context switching. I used this setup for about a year and was happy with it.
Since it was tuned to my exact use case, it has some setup stuff that may not be relevant based on what you do.
There's also a section on setting up a windows vm using docker. This worked quite well, and it allowed me to run office apps natively. It was always very performant for those kinds of things. I doubt it would be good for gaming. Of course, you shouldn't set this up inside the linux vm, only if you are running it natively.
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Comment on Youtube channel recommendations 2026 in ~tech
first-must-burn LinkCutting Edge Engineering - high quality videos about the repair and refurbishment of industrial equipment with excellent dog tax interleaved in each video. Lots of welding, milling, and lathe...Cutting Edge Engineering - high quality videos about the repair and refurbishment of industrial equipment with excellent dog tax interleaved in each video. Lots of welding, milling, and lathe work. Everything is explained and accessible.
Jokes with Jesse - dad jokes / puns with excellent delivery
Natural Habitat Shorts - take an obscure animal fact and make a funny video out of it. The link is one of my favorites, "Hamsters have a biological instinct to travel distances. A safe wheel lets them mimic that behavior."
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Comment on Make everything okay in ~life
first-must-burn Link ParentOh, I didn't mean to imply that anyone should not leave an abusive situation. Just that the other person may or may not choose change, the situation may or may not be acceptable, but the only...Oh, I didn't mean to imply that anyone should not leave an abusive situation. Just that the other person may or may not choose change, the situation may or may not be acceptable, but the only person you can actually make change is yourself.
I talk to a surprising number of people who think therapy is going "fix" them with no work (hence @NaraVara 's original comment about "make everything okay", or that, in the case of couples therapy, they are going to "fix" the problems with the other person.
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Comment on Massive winter storm expected to dump snow and ice across United States in ~enviro
first-must-burn LinkMy favorite take on this: "Snow predicted" - oil on canvasMy favorite take on this:
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Comment on Massive winter storm expected to dump snow and ice across United States in ~enviro
first-must-burn Link ParentI gotta say, my experience in Pittsburgh tracks with @kfwyre 's. Snow and ice? People are fearless and uninhibited. Rain (even modest rain)? People lose their minds. I literally heard a weather...I gotta say, my experience in Pittsburgh tracks with @kfwyre 's. Snow and ice? People are fearless and uninhibited. Rain (even modest rain)? People lose their minds. I literally heard a weather report on the radio that said, "it's going to be raining pretty hard, you might want to consider staying home."
I do also think the thunderstorms we get are much milder, mostly sprinkles with intermittent periods of harder rain. But almost always, if you wait a few minutes it will lighten up. Compare that to East Texas, where it might rain so hard you can't see more then 30 feet in front of you, and it might rain like that for hours. Or Houston, where it might rain heavily without stopping for days.
I have quite a bit of RSI issues and I found the Logitech M720 to be good. It runs forever (months) on a single AA battery. It's bluetooth, so no dongle to lose or catch on things. It supports up to three devices with a switch on the side, which is helpful when going between my work and personal laptops.
After a couple of years, the left click starts spuriously double clicking. Supposedly you can disassemble and fix them, but they are pretty cheap and I rarely can have downtime, so I have a little graveyard of them.
I don't really game seriously, but it's been fine for Control, Horizon Zero Dawn, Factorio, and Minecraft (all on easy mode).