first-must-burn's recent activity

  1. Comment on Deciding whether (or not) to have a child in ~life

    first-must-burn
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    My wife and I dithered about this too, and were in our mid 30's when we decided to try. The result is our daughter, who is now 11. She is amazing, and amazes me every day, even now when the...

    My wife and I dithered about this too, and were in our mid 30's when we decided to try. The result is our daughter, who is now 11. She is amazing, and amazes me every day, even now when the trajectory of development is much slower than the younger years. I would not trade her for anything, and being a dad is by far my favorite role. I spent a year as a stay at home dad, and that was my favorite year.

    Some other caveats/context: we are financially very stable which puts one major worry far down our list. We don't have much in the way of local family support, which is very hard. My advice there is make friends / find a group with kids the same age. Even if you have family, it's good to have a community as well.

    Here I will echo and affirm @worldasis 's comment. Our job as parents should be to make them into a whole, functioning, independent person. My wife's mother is a textbook narcissist who centers every interaction in herself and her feelings. Watching the lasting impact this has had on my wife has been hard. Unwrapping that is probably a whole post unto itself. Or maybe a dissertation.

    Seeing the child as their own person is why I like the Montessori philosophy so much. Everything they do is centered in working with the child's developmental phases to help them grow. My daughter started Montessori preschool at 3, and is now in 6th grade. She will likely finish out the 8th grade program before transitioning to traditional high school. I think this has been one of our best parenting decisions, and learning from the teachers and implementing some of the practices at home has made us better parents. In particular, they have a clear, developmentally validated understanding of what a child's capabilities can be at different ages. Because of the mixed age classroom and the individualized curriculum design, each child learns the things when they, individually are actually ready. Not because it's week 17 and the syllabus says everyone is learning X today.

    I would highly recommend the preschool through kindergarten ("Children's house") program. Once you're in it and have seen it work, you can make your own call about the later phases.

    Practically speaking, many of the day to day activities of a child-centered approach are the same - behavior, hygiene, nutrition, socialization. But the underlying why is different. There is no manual for parenting, but asking "does this help her become a functioning adult" is a great litmus test for evaluating my own underlying motives. It helps to sift out the things that merely make parenting more convenient for us or others around us.

    If you do the math, you will see that she was born in the heady days of 2015, before many of the existential crises you would now face were front and center. I can't imagine a world without my daughter, but I cannot also say with confidence we would have made the same choice if choosing today. The world seems so much darker.

    However, she is growing up in that darker world and doing fine. We survived COVID -- she was five, and went to school masked for two years. Now she's involve in Montessori Model UN, which has been a great framework for learning bout the problems in the world but also believing that something can be done about them.

    I feel pretty overwhelmed and helpless about the larger world, so I concentrate on small local changes where I can have an impact, and on helping my daughter be prepared for being a person in that world. I don't think I will change the world, that ship has probably sailed. But she still might, and if she doesn't, I'm confident that there will be many people whose world is better because her light.

    5 votes

  2. Comment on Ubuntu on Windows is about to become more popular than Ubuntu itself in ~tech

    first-must-burn
    Link Parent
    +1 on both counts. For a while it looked like System76 was going to make PopOS a thing, but Ubuntu quickly became mainstream even on those systems in all my circles. I guess I rarely run graphical...

    +1 on both counts. For a while it looked like System76 was going to make PopOS a thing, but Ubuntu quickly became mainstream even on those systems in all my circles.

    I guess I rarely run graphical applications in WSL (usually web dev, so the UI is conveniently in a Windows browser), so I'm not even sure I would care what distro it was, except for my familiarity with apt as a package manager. Even then I try to containerize anything that can be containerized, so I'm rarely running anything locally but docker and task.

    2 votes

  3. Comment on My son pooped in the toilet in ~life

    first-must-burn
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    Congratulations! You have entered a new era. The end of diapers just got a little closer. Once my daughter was pooping on the toilet. She twisted around and looked in the toilet, then up at me,...

    Congratulations! You have entered a new era. The end of diapers just got a little closer.

    Once my daughter was pooping on the toilet. She twisted around and looked in the toilet, then up at me, and said, "I've got skills."

    If this is your first, I'll say that the move from diapers to no diapers was unexpectedly fraught. We went from, "ooh, stinky diaper, let's go find a place where it would be convenient to change this diaper" to "I have to go. Now!" I pretty much had to know where the closest bathroom was at all times.

    We had a portable potty seat somewhat like this that was great because you could fold the arms out and put it on a public toilet seat to make it easier (and more sanitary!) to sit on, or make the tabs into legs so it stands up on its own. You put a bag in it, stand it up, and you can use it anywhere, including in the car. We did that quite a lot in those days: pull over, move the passenger seat all the way forward, and set it up in the back floorboard. Use a baby wipe to clean up, tie a knot in the bag, dispose of it at your earliest convenience. 10/10 would recommend.

    14 votes

  4. Comment on GPS tracker for an interstate move in ~tech

  5. GPS tracker for an interstate move

    ~tech Ask (recommendations)
    My parents are doing an interstate move in a few weeks, and I want to get them a gps tracker that they can put in a box to help them track their stuff. The main goal is to provide them their own...

    My parents are doing an interstate move in a few weeks, and I want to get them a gps tracker that they can put in a box to help them track their stuff. The main goal is to provide them their own data if they get into the situation where the carrier and the trucking company are blaming each other for not knowing where their stuff is.

    Tracki, Ameriloc, and LandSeaAir seem to be the big names, but there's very little signal and not much independent information. Also a ton of products on amazon in the <$30 range that seem indistinguishable.

    Even several hundred dollars in cost is not a deal breaker here, considering the issue of their stuff, but I didn't really find a clearly better expensive option.

    Whatever I get, I also plan to get two airtags as backup. Maybe that's enough by itself, but I like the idea of having an active option, even though I know they could all fail for different reasons.

    Has anyone used one, and if so, what was your experience? What would you recommend using or avoiding?

    7 votes

  6. Comment on Elle Cordova - Modern day typographer (2026) in ~music

    first-must-burn
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    Her work is hilarious. I think the font persona videos are peak. If you want music, how about the Star Trek Technobabble rap And for modern major general parodies, the og is Tom Lehrer - the...

    Her work is hilarious. I think the font persona videos are peak. If you want music, how about the Star Trek Technobabble rap

    And for modern major general parodies, the og is Tom Lehrer - the elements - nothing beats rhyming Harvard with discov-aaard

    I thought I would be adding the Animaniacs to the list, but I was disappointed to find that neither the nations of the world nor the ingredients song are set to this tune.

    4 votes

  7. Comment on Little late but...anyone interested in fantasy football? in ~sports.american_football

    first-must-burn
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    I am doing one at work for the first time ever. I almost never pay attention to football anymore (my team name is Hand Egg Champions). It's mostly a bid to get to know some coworkers outside my...

    I am doing one at work for the first time ever. I almost never pay attention to football anymore (my team name is Hand Egg Champions). It's mostly a bid to get to know some coworkers outside my own team, so I am using it as an excuse to try and develop my own data analysis tools.

    I do think it's probably too late. From what I understand, the draft would pretty much have to be tonight, and I definitely don't have time today. Maybe next year we can organize a tildes one.

    6 votes

  8. Comment on Small talk, ice breakers, lines in ~talk

  9. Comment on That book you remember some details but can't recall the title in ~books

    first-must-burn
    Link Parent
    I loved this one! Right up there with Hatchet for "children making a go of it in the wilderness".

    I loved this one! Right up there with Hatchet for "children making a go of it in the wilderness".

    3 votes

  10. Comment on Adulting -- what advice or encouragement did you receive / wish you had received when you were just starting out moving out? in ~life

    first-must-burn
    Link Parent
    My mom was an attorney (retired now), and part of that was traveling to courts within about a three hour radius of where we lived for trials, hearings, etc. They had a tackle box they would take...

    My mom was an attorney (retired now), and part of that was traveling to courts within about a three hour radius of where we lived for trials, hearings, etc. They had a tackle box they would take with them packed with all kinds of emergency supplies - batteries, pens, highlighters, stapler, whiteout, paperclips, and dozens of other things. Keep in mind things were done a lot more on paper in those days, much less electronic.

    She made me a tackle box like that as a gift when I went away to college, and for years, I would need some random thing, and I would think, "maybe in the tackle box?" And there it would be. Then I would think, "how did she know?" It was truly an amazing gift, from an amazing mom.

    In the same spirit, one of my favorite gifts for someone starting out is a small tool bag with basic tools, tape, glue, and a variety pack of screws. As much as it is a functional gift, I also think it's an encouragement that I believe they are capable of fixing things and taking in small projects.

    6 votes

  11. Comment on Adulting -- what advice or encouragement did you receive / wish you had received when you were just starting out moving out? in ~life

    first-must-burn
    Link Parent
    Unfortunately, not everyone has this level of intention. Some people care too much about themselves to properly care about their children. Some people see their children as an extension of...

    I always thought parents have a duty to care for the children up to a certain point, and that independence is the natural goal. Birds leave the next as soon as they can fly. Overcoming fear on their side can be a great show of trust in the kid, and that trust can in turn build more trust, closeness.

    Unfortunately, not everyone has this level of intention. Some people care too much about themselves to properly care about their children. Some people see their children as an extension of themselves, and not as an independent person. A book I read that shows this really well is Jennette McCurdy's autobiographical I'm Glad my Mom Died. Very sad, but a hopeful ending.

    For better or worse, there's no exam to be a parent, and no manual either. Even people who are trying very hard are basically winging it. None of us, as parents, can forsee all the consequences of our parenting choices. That doesn't even touch on all the things that I can't control as a parent sending my kid out in the world. And then I have to deal with the fact that if I try to control all those things, I'm setting them up for failure because they never learn to do it on their own.

    My therapist says parenting a teen is like I am pulling on one end of the rope, and they are pulling on the other. The difference is that it's their job to pull on the rope, and it's my job to decide when to pull, and when to give them more rope. I strive for this, as I strive to teach my daughter to be fierce, independent, and to believe she can do hard things. But I know I'm going to make mistakes. It's so hard.

    3 votes

  12. Comment on Adulting -- what advice or encouragement did you receive / wish you had received when you were just starting out moving out? in ~life

    first-must-burn
    Link Parent
    If you're having trouble deciding and there's no list of pros and cons that has helped you figure it out, flip a coin. Either during the flip, you'll know what you hope it is, or when it comes up...

    If you choose not to decide,
    You still have made a choice.

    ~ RUSH, "Free Will"

    If you're having trouble deciding and there's no list of pros and cons that has helped you figure it out, flip a coin. Either during the flip, you'll know what you hope it is, or when it comes up one way or the other, you'll either be happy or sad about it. Don't be bound by the outcome of the coin, but pay attention to the feeling, and let that help you decide.

    7 votes

  13. Comment on What's a show you love that's from before your time? in ~tv

    first-must-burn
    Link Parent
    I remember also watching Inspector Gadget around the same time. I always found Smart and the Inspector to have a similar obliviousness / ineptitude. Penny and 99 were the real heroes. Aside:...

    I remember also watching Inspector Gadget around the same time. I always found Smart and the Inspector to have a similar obliviousness / ineptitude. Penny and 99 were the real heroes.

    Aside: Inspector Gadget is only a kids show if I set aside the body horror of having all that equipment inside his body. I feel a gritty remake in the making.

    2 votes

  14. Comment on What made that wedding that you attended particularly memorable? in ~life

    first-must-burn
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    Our wedding was pretty mild and pretty traditional by most standards. No alcohol, grocery store catered snacks and desserts in the church fellowship hall. A small fancy cake and larger sheet cakes...

    Our wedding was pretty mild and pretty traditional by most standards. No alcohol, grocery store catered snacks and desserts in the church fellowship hall. A small fancy cake and larger sheet cakes for serving everyone.

    A couple of fun things I remember:

    • We had a slideshow running on the projectors the whole time, with pictures from both of us growing up. This created a funny moment when my FIL was doing his toast, and he said "FMB is a really nice guy." This drew a large laugh because the picture in the slideshow happened to be one of me firing an assault rifle.
    • We did a "dollar dance" where people put a dollar (or whatever) in a tip jar to dance with the bride or groom. I hate dancing and am very awkward, but I figured "who is going to boo me on my wedding day". Plus it was mostly people wanting to dance with my wife and she loved it.
    • We had a glass vase with note cards for people to write marriage advice on. Those were fun to read together on the honeymoon. Best one: "Fight naked."
    • We did sparklers instead of rice/birdseed at the sendoff
    • For favors, we had a custom matchbook printed with our names, the date, and "a perfect match", then paired them with a small glass candle votive holder. Simple, personal, inexpensive, utilitarian.

    I know this thread is more about weddings than wedding planning, but I will chip in with this advice:

    In the end, do something you enjoy, and makes you happy. Don't let other people tell you that you must do X or you can't do Y.

    However don't hang too much on the day in terms of expectation. In the end, it's your relationship that matters, not the event. We spent a year planning for the wedding, and the day itself was a blur. I kind of felt like "that's it?" If I could do one thing differently, I would have delegated more of the day-of tasks and left myself more time to go slow and be present in the experience.

    My wife and I did most of the planning and implementation of the wedding ourselves, together. I think the things we learned about each other during that time turned out to be the best thing of all. The effort, planning, and negotiating that went into the wedding were good preparation for the actual work of being and staying married.

    3 votes

  15. Comment on What are your "how on earth did I not learn this sooner" tech moments? in ~tech

    first-must-burn
    Link Parent
    On my work mac, I have these rebound as: Cmd+shift+3 - copy the selected area directly to the clipboard Cmd+shift+4 - copy the selected area and save it to the desktop (or click on the little...

    Press cmd+shift+5 to open up the screenshot toolbar, then when clicking options you can decide to store the screenshot to clipboard, preview, desktop, etc.

    On my work mac, I have these rebound as:

    • Cmd+shift+3 - copy the selected area directly to the clipboard
    • Cmd+shift+4 - copy the selected area and save it to the desktop (or click on the little popup icon to get the annotation tools)
    • Cmd+shift+5 - open the screen recorder function

    On Windows Win+shift+S functions similar for screenshots, but there's no native screen recorder afaik.

    1 vote

  16. Comment on What are your "how on earth did I not learn this sooner" tech moments? in ~tech

    first-must-burn
    Link Parent
    As someone who spent a lot of time with Wordperfect for DOS, the slow death of the function keys is wild to me. I lived and died by those function key codes and the color-coded reference card...

    if your function row isn't set to the function keys by default

    As someone who spent a lot of time with Wordperfect for DOS, the slow death of the function keys is wild to me. I lived and died by those function key codes and the color-coded reference card above them. Something like this. I can't find any pictures of it, but I swear our keyboard had a built in slot that you could insert the reference card into, and there were several cards for different programs.

    3 votes

  17. Comment on What's a show you love that's from before your time? in ~tv

    first-must-burn
    Link
    CHiPs Charlie's Angels (old school) Get Smart Dragnet Lost in Space The 6 Million Dollar Man

    CHiPs
    Charlie's Angels (old school)
    Get Smart
    Dragnet
    Lost in Space
    The 6 Million Dollar Man

    5 votes

  18. Comment on TV Tuesdays Free Talk in ~tv

  19. Comment on What programming/technical projects have you been working on? in ~comp

    first-must-burn
    Link Parent
    I've been using the frontier models (Claude 5/ ChatGPT5.6) and found them very capable, but this last week I have started to see the frayed edges of it. I had a much bigger, much more abstract...

    I've been using the frontier models (Claude 5/ ChatGPT5.6) and found them very capable, but this last week I have started to see the frayed edges of it. I had a much bigger, much more abstract coding task, and I've had to break it down into much smaller pieces to keep the models on task. I find that one feature/vertical is the most effective scope. So I'm not obsolete yet...

  20. Comment on What programming/technical projects have you been working on? in ~comp

    first-must-burn
    Link Parent
    I can go a few days without getting mobbed on the street, so I'd say it's faded to an acceptable level.

    I can go a few days without getting mobbed on the street, so I'd say it's faded to an acceptable level.