phoenixrises's recent activity

  1. Comment on How do you practice self love? in ~health.mental

    phoenixrises
    Link Parent
    I appreciate it. It's definitely been a bit of a small roller coaster. I had an anxiety attack today at the gym. I do have a therapist, been thinking of upping my sessions especially during this...

    I appreciate it. It's definitely been a bit of a small roller coaster. I had an anxiety attack today at the gym. I do have a therapist, been thinking of upping my sessions especially during this time.

    I think the Trazodone is mostly for sleep aid, from what the psych told me. I don't think it's working too well for that yet so I'll have to talk to them about it next week.

    Thank you for your support, and I hope everything is good for you too. I'm trying and growing and learning and that's all I can do right now.

    3 votes

  2. Comment on How do you practice self love? in ~health.mental

    phoenixrises
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    I know that it's been a while since I've posted this. Honestly I haven't figured it out yet but this week I scheduled an appointment for a psychiatrist. They prescribed me Zoloft and Trazodone...

    I know that it's been a while since I've posted this. Honestly I haven't figured it out yet but this week I scheduled an appointment for a psychiatrist. They prescribed me Zoloft and Trazodone with the caveat of if it starts to trigger any manic episodes we'll figure something else out (probably lithium).

    I've still had a lot of ups and downs and I've still been crying like crazy to be honest. But today I took a small step in trying to get better so I'm proud of myself at least.

    Thank you to everyone who responded, I don't know how ready I am to respond to everyone but I just wanted to thank @Akir specifically for your anecdote and words of encouragement. Between that, @Carrow for shooting me a mention over in the thread I regularly post on, and @cfabbro for poking me with appreciation (I'm sure you knew a bit about what was going on, and if not I still appreciate you appreciating my post on Backpack Hero). It's nice to know I have friends here too.

    6 votes

  3. Comment on What games have you been playing, and what's your opinion on them? in ~games

    phoenixrises
    Link Parent
    Yeah, I've definitely missed a lot but I think it's more of a "I rolled the credits at least" kinda deal. Especially with the way Hollow Knight is I bet I'm still missing a whole ton of things.

    Yeah, I've definitely missed a lot but I think it's more of a "I rolled the credits at least" kinda deal. Especially with the way Hollow Knight is I bet I'm still missing a whole ton of things.

  4. Comment on What games have you been playing, and what's your opinion on them? in ~games

    phoenixrises
    Link Parent
    I only did the core story, I didn't even get a specific traversal ability until after I killed the last boss before the credits. I'm going through all the wishes right now and I suspect there's...

    I only did the core story, I didn't even get a specific traversal ability until after I killed the last boss before the credits. I'm going through all the wishes right now and I suspect there's probably something after that , so I don't know if i can say I'm done done.

    1 vote

  5. Comment on What games have you been playing, and what's your opinion on them? in ~games

    phoenixrises
    Link Parent
    I'd recommend playing Hollow Knight first, but that's the way I experienced it. The developers say that they want the difficulty to be about the same but I think they forgot about that comment a...

    I'd recommend playing Hollow Knight first, but that's the way I experienced it. The developers say that they want the difficulty to be about the same but I think they forgot about that comment a while ago. (Edit: IMO Silksong is definitely harder/more punishing, not enough that it's impossible, but going back to HK after Silksong might make it feel a lot easier honestly.) Also, Silksong was developed as a sequel/expansion technically so that should be considered.

    Just in a meta sense, I'd suggest just finishing Hollow Knight before getting into Silksong. No point in spending money on another game if you haven't finished the first one. It's not like they're taking Silksong off the digital stores tomorrow or anything. That's kinda why I didn't buy Resident Evil 8, because I never finished 7.

    4 votes

  6. Comment on What games have you been playing, and what's your opinion on them? in ~games

    phoenixrises
    (edited )
    Link
    I "finished" Silksong this weekend, 22 hours to kill the final boss, according to Steam I'm in the top 1.1% when completing it. It's been an excellent time and probably one of the first times I've...

    I "finished" Silksong this weekend, 22 hours to kill the final boss, according to Steam I'm in the top 1.1% when completing it. It's been an excellent time and probably one of the first times I've felt relatively "normal" in the last couple of weeks. There was definitely some difficulty spikes but I think I've been able to do everything within 10 tries at least.

    I actually have been going through the game after rolling credits to explore places that I missed and I definitely missed a lot, even one full ability that might have been good for platforming. Will probably end up trying for the true ending this week but if anyone has any thoughts they want to share or if they need tips and tricks feel free to ask.

    Edit note: probably not finish finished yet since I skipped a bunch of side quests, but I definitely rolled credits at the very least.

    9 votes

  7. Comment on Save Point: A game deal roundup for the week of August 17 in ~games

    phoenixrises
    Link Parent
    hi, I just wanted to say this comment really made me cry. like genuinely honestly i saw the notification and I cried. I'm gonna get back to all the comments everyone made in my last thread...

    hi, I just wanted to say this comment really made me cry. like genuinely honestly i saw the notification and I cried. I'm gonna get back to all the comments everyone made in my last thread eventually but I've been incredibly depressed this week and backsliding a bit.

    just wanted to say thanks for thinking about me. I'm very lucky that I have people in my real life taking care of me but in the virtual space it's also really nice to be remembered. I'll be back soon, I promise.

    8 votes

  8. How do you practice self love?

    ~health.mental Ask
    I've been having a difficult time recently, which has been leading to my absence here and a lot of crying in my real life. I don't deal with letting go too well. I keep texts and pictures and...

    I've been having a difficult time recently, which has been leading to my absence here and a lot of crying in my real life. I don't deal with letting go too well. I keep texts and pictures and messages and every once in a while I like to look back at them and remember that somebody out there at one point was capable of loving me.

    It's not like I don't have friends that love me either, I've spent days and days at other people's houses just crying, people have taken me out to eat and cry and just feel my feelings, and people have been reminding me about the things they like about me too. I mentioned it to a friend that I've been having trouble letting go and we dug into it a bit more, about why I want to keep these things. My friend asks why I need the love to come from other people first. Where is the self love?

    My core issue has always been needing to be reminded that I am loved. It's really silly sometimes, because on some level I know that I am. But something is missing.

    There's an old saying that we judge other people by their actions and ourselves by our intentions. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just a bad person. Or if I think I am. Because if I didn't have that, why would I have such a hard time forgiving myself?

    I don't really know how to self love, to be honest. I spent all day today barely working, just mindlessly staring at a screen playing a stupid game and not leaving the house. I dunno. Maybe I just need some ideas. I set up a couple more appointments with my therapist this week, but sometimes when it's 2 in the morning like it is now I just can't sleep and spend more time hurting myself in my own head.

    37 votes

  9. Comment on Save Point: A game deal roundup for the week of July 6 in ~games

  10. Comment on What do you need to vent about? in ~talk

    phoenixrises
    Link Parent
    sometimes it makes me feel if i'll ever be enough, ya know? It took so long for me to even find one person that I wanted to be enough for, and I wasn't.

    sometimes it makes me feel if i'll ever be enough, ya know? It took so long for me to even find one person that I wanted to be enough for, and I wasn't.

    2 votes

  11. Comment on What do you need to vent about? in ~talk

    phoenixrises
    Link Parent
    I did try. I feel like that's why it hurt so bad. Even in the end I've still been willing to try, and it wasn't enough. It makes me feel like I'm not enough.

    I did try. I feel like that's why it hurt so bad. Even in the end I've still been willing to try, and it wasn't enough. It makes me feel like I'm not enough.

    1 vote

  12. Comment on What do you need to vent about? in ~talk

    phoenixrises
    Link Parent
    The "I can be better" sentiment does come from a place of trauma (Asian American). But also from other trauma from long on-off hot-cold relationships that I've been trapped in personally. It feels...

    The "I can be better" sentiment does come from a place of trauma (Asian American). But also from other trauma from long on-off hot-cold relationships that I've been trapped in personally. It feels like it's always there.

    I spent a lot of time on myself. Sometimes maybe a bit too much. I think I've been leaning a lot on the fact that you don't have to be perfect to be in a relationship, ya know? Like if I waited for myself to be perfect I'd never start one. (If you can't tell my favorite movie is Good Will Hunting).

    I do have a therapist thankfully, it's still hard though unfortunately because I know I have to do the work and feel my feelings.

    3 votes

  13. On the phoenix

    ~creative Text 252 words
    In mythology the phoenix is an immortal bird that, when it's time, burns to death. In some versions of the myth, it's intentional. Sometimes things happen to it and it's forced to begin the cycle...

    In mythology the phoenix is an immortal bird that, when it's time, burns to death. In some versions of the myth, it's intentional. Sometimes things happen to it and it's forced to begin the cycle anew.

    I admire the phoenix so much. After all, immortality is just another way of expressing the will to endure.

    But sometimes I also wonder. I wonder if the phoenix, in the moments of burning, regrets it's choice, secretly hoping to prolong it's current pace because it's happy where it is. I wonder if, the moments before it's forced to start the cycle, it looks back at it's choices that lead up to it, and wishes it chose differently. I wonder if it regrets it didn't do more in that life. I wonder if it looks forwards to it's new life.

    When it's done burning, I wonder if it can look back at it's old life. Would it look and wish that it burned again, hoping to get back it's old life? Is it able to carry it's old memories and grow and be a better phoenix? Would it hope that some of it's old life comes with it? Does it look at it's next burning with dread, or hope?

    I don't know where to put this, was thinking in ~creative or ~health.mental or ~misc. I've been pretty out of it and super depressed still, but this is just some of the things I've been thinking about.
    I wrote a bit about where I've been here

    10 votes

  14. Comment on What do you need to vent about? in ~talk

    phoenixrises
    Link
    I saw this thread a couple of days ago while in my depressed haze and I think it might be a good place for me to journal a bit or vent, idk. Feel free to comment on it if you want to make me feel...

    I saw this thread a couple of days ago while in my depressed haze and I think it might be a good place for me to journal a bit or vent, idk. Feel free to comment on it if you want to make me feel better or share your own thoughts.

    A couple of weeks ago I went through a devastating breakup/discard that has really made trip hard into my depression. We had a great relationship. I miss the talks we had when she would finish work and drive home. I miss the cuddling and the safety I felt while chatting late at night. I miss the feeling of wanting to be a better person when I was with her. It was only a couple of months, but I don't know why it's been affecting me so hard. It's not like I haven't had short relationships in the past. Even within the last year I've definitely had some breakups and ghosting after a couple of months. But this one feels so different.

    It was the first time in a while that I actually tried. I think it was the first time that I actually wanted to give my heart out for the longest time, since I've had so many difficult relationships in the past that have really led me to retreat into my friends and running away to travel to grow more and learn more about myself. I remember after a couple of dates she looked me in the eye and told me that if I wanted to be with her I needed to put in effort on my dates. I could have ended it right there, but I decided then that I wanted to try. I actually planned something beautiful that I'm proud of. She told me a month later that she was super surprised that I proved her wrong. I knew I could change, that I could grow with her, and I was happy.
    I planned a couple of things for her birthday, and I asked her to dress up. I was really excited for it and I really wanted it to go right. But the night before I lost my keys while walking my dog and got super stressed about trying to find them. The morning of I was still trying to find them after walking 10 miles the night before. I was going to run late so I had to run out of my house. I forgot to dress up. She was embarrassed, I was distracted. Definitely my fault. The week after we had a wedding to go to, and the day after we accidentally slept in and she was upset at me for not worrying enough about the time, in my sleepy haze I must have snoozed or shut off the alarm. Things got heated and I felt pressure, so I put the pressure back onto her and she ended things. I shouldn't have given her an ultimatum. We talked so many times the weeks after, and I kept chasing. I don't know. I'm so numb right now to be honest.

    We had our final argument a week ago. She said that she felt that I didn't respect her decision. I probably didn't, because I said I was willing to grow and change and make less mistakes. She says that we don't have the same standards. Maybe we don't. I've always had trouble with people's standards. I think it's the only way I can grow.

    I'm just really sad now. I've been so numb. My friends have been telling me that she isn't worth it and that I am better off, that I deserve even better. But why is it that every time I pick up the apps again I end up seeing people that aren't even worth swiping on? Why is it that I feel like I could have been better, I should have? Why am I torturing myself with thoughts of I'm just not good enough? Why do I feel like I never want to open up my heart again? I don't know. I'm just sad.

    6 votes

  15. Comment on Save Point: A game deal roundup for the week of July 6 in ~games

    phoenixrises
    Link Parent
    Thank you, it's really nice that even internet strangers (friends?) care. I'm just in a growth place right now and there's definitely growing pains.

    Thank you, it's really nice that even internet strangers (friends?) care. I'm just in a growth place right now and there's definitely growing pains.

    6 votes

  16. Comment on Save Point: A game deal roundup for the week of July 6 in ~games

    phoenixrises
    Link
    I've had a very difficult week but I'm slowly recovering, sorry about the late post: Backpack Hero and Figment are both free on EGS till Thursday. I really enjoyed Backpack Hero a lot, it's a fun...

    I've had a very difficult week but I'm slowly recovering, sorry about the late post:
    Backpack Hero and Figment are both free on EGS till Thursday. I really enjoyed Backpack Hero a lot, it's a fun roguelike that uses the RE4 backpack system as a mechanic, pretty much.
    https://store.epicgames.com/en-US/p/backpack-hero-449c5e
    https://store.epicgames.com/en-US/p/figment

    8 votes

  17. Comment on Save Point: A game deal roundup for the week of June 22 in ~games

    phoenixrises
    Link
    Gonna post the comment from @kfwyre here too : https://tildes.net/~games/1oee/humble_choice_june_2025#comment-fw6p Humble Choice is going up to 15$ in the US too, starting in July. On a personal...

    Gonna post the comment from @kfwyre here too : https://tildes.net/~games/1oee/humble_choice_june_2025#comment-fw6p

    Humble Choice is going up to 15$ in the US too, starting in July.

    On a personal note, I'm probably gonna be cancelling my sub, I feel like I've just been redeeming games and not enjoying any of them for a while and it's starting to get a bit ridiculous.

    3 votes

  18. Comment on Midweek Movie Free Talk in ~movies

    phoenixrises
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    I did this last time I got out of a theatre so I'm gonna do it again, I just got home from a showing of Cabaret at the August Wilson Theatre in NYC with my SO, it was absolutely incredible and...

    I did this last time I got out of a theatre so I'm gonna do it again, I just got home from a showing of Cabaret at the August Wilson Theatre in NYC with my SO, it was absolutely incredible and thought provoking and beautiful and sad. I went in knowing a bit of the show, watched some of the Alan Cumming version on Youtube, but even knowing a bit of it I was hit SO hard. Orville Peck as the Emcee was intense, present, and intimidating, and his performance was insane. Eva Noblezada walked right past us in the opening number! (if you read my last post about my discovering of Hadestown, you'll know this was a big deal for me) Her performance was incredible as well, incredibly tragic and moving and thought evoking. My SO went in blind, it was a surprise for her birthday, and she was also incredibly moved.

    I can't stop thinking about how important this piece of media is in general, especially nowadays. The scenes immediately after the intermission made my heart stop, and it really made me stop and think about life right now. To some, life is beautiful (if you're not paying attention).

    2 votes

  19. Comment on Taskmaster Season 19, Episode 1 - 'Sometimes spit.' | Full episode in ~tv

  20. Comment on I have now donated five full gallons of blood products! in ~health

    phoenixrises
    Link Parent
    yes! especially because you're using your fingers to do touching/feeling things so it makes the most sense.

    yes! especially because you're using your fingers to do touching/feeling things so it makes the most sense.

    3 votes