Hey team, I live in a dilapidated sharehouse that will inevitably be torn down. So we can kinda do whatever to it. It has this thin crack in the wall and I was thinking about trying to use the Kintsugi idea and applying it to a house, fill the gap with gold. Does anyone have any idea about the best way to go about this? I have some powder grout, I was thinking about mixing it with some gold acrylic paint and a tiny bit of water to make it into the right paste consistency. I like this approach as I own all the stuff.

The goal of the monthly Digital Detox topic is:

to evaluate and potentially address toxic or controlling aspects of tech in ways are meaningful for you

Please make this topic what you want it to be. There's no right or wrong way to post in it.

All people posting in this topic will be automatically added to the Digital Detox notification list. If you do NOT want to be added to the list, please let me know in your comment.

Monthly Discussion Starter: What media (books, podcasts, videos, etc.) do you recommend that portray problems with modern technology and/or solutions to them?

By orphans I’m including everyone who can’t spend Christmas with their family, whatever the reason. Maybe they live on another continent, maybe they’re insufferable, maybe you don’t know them, maybe all of the above and you don’t have kids, whatever. The end result is: you don’t have a family to spend Christmas with.

I’m in this situation. And I don’t know anyone well enough (newish city and country) to crash someone else’s family Christmas.

Wondering how people in that situation deal with it so that maybe I can find something that’d work for me to tide me over this challenging part of the year.

Additional context: SO is really into it, feels bad when we treat it as just another day, so I feel the pressure to figure something out.

I’m reading every answer you share but not necessarily answer unless I have a follow up question or something meaningful to add.

We each shape our living spaces in our own ways, and I feel like sharing your own approach can often help inspire others.

This could be anything, small or large; from the kinds of furniture you prefer and how you arrange it, to the standard home improvement work, to how you decorate your spaces, and even how you choose to use them.

Desk setups/home offices/battlestations all count, and pictures are welcome!

If you have more than one passion, try and pick the one you are... Most passionate about!
If you can't, then go for it, explain why you have more than one.

• What is your passion? If it's something obscure tell us about it!
• How did you end up with that passion? What was the inspiration?
• How long has it been your passion?
• How do you practice or express it?
• Sell it to someone reading, why is your passion so great to you?

Spouse and I are trying to get bids from local solar installers and we'd appreciate some crowdsourced knowledge from Tilderinos. Questions first, then some context...

• In the current market, is "no, your equipment can't talk to the Internet" actually an unreasonable demand?
• Is there a term or phrase we should be using to look for, or guide installers towards, solar setups that fully function without Internet access?
• Are there any equipment types -- microinverters, for example -- that definitely will not work due to architecture?
• Are there battery controllers, or central inverters, that are known to play nicely (read: can be expanded later) with batteries from other manufacturers?

For each installer, we start the conversation with "it's essential that the system work entirely offline, without Internet." We're flexible on nearly everything else: system size (probably ~15kW), number of panels, battery, etc. Our first concern is making sure that a 25-year investment is not dependent on some company's cloud servers; secondly, that we're not inverting our dependency graph by making our electric power reliant on the whims of our ISP. There's also the privacy angle. But we're not looking for a totally off-the-grid setup, just trying not to lock ourselves into a bad purchase.

So far, one third of the installers (3/9) have immediately told us we're unreasonable and to just go away. Two others said "sure!" and ghosted us afterwards. One was a little more forthcoming, saying that the equipment requires periodic connections to the manufacturer for monitoring and they couldn't provide a warranty without it. The last two provided bids, but it's difficult to tell if they're telling the truth given the conflicting info we've seen.

I am honestly not sure making this post is a good idea, but I want to at least make an honest attempt at this topic and putting it in ~life.men - because it seems silly that this topic tends to get more discussed in ~life.women - and it obviously rarely ends well.

Please approach this with the best good faith intent and lets be civil.

I am 100% in the target group for that video, though I hope this doesn't end up being just another discussion of the same video but the topic in general, as I am a straight white man having worked in tech for two decades. And I am manager with women on my team, and I have been rightfully called out on certain biases and can recognize having glossed over problematic behaviour in the past.

I personally don't take much offense on the #YesAllMen thing, but I can understand why it can be irksome and there is a part of the me where it doesn't quite feel right to me, even though I know it isn't intended that way. It can feel like being lumped together in a "guilt by association" type of way, that we generally don't accept with other groups in society. And what I often have a problem with in these types of discussions, is how a very wide range of problems with very different severity is being lumped together - and I don't think that is fruitful. We see examples of open hostile sexism like "you fucking whore" or outright sexual assault, and most men of course don't recognize themselves in those sort of examples, and thus get defensive. Instead we should be more open to look at all the seemingly "minor" things that aren't as severe, but from what I think I understand from women on being a minority in a workplace is the "death by a thousand cuts"-effect. A constant reminder of seemingly minor things that just adds up, and is rightly being experienced as part of more severe forms of sexism.

Not sure where I am going with this - as I didn't write this as a well thoughtout thesis - just a quick way to try to start a hopefully healthy discussion in the right space, but I assume no men here on Tildes are outright sexually assualting women, but I would 100% believe that most of us still have blind spots that could be improved and is indirectly part of the problem.

Hi! My partner and I want to follow this guide and add LED strip lighting to bookcases we're putting up. Partner has significant experience with assembly/DIY home improvement projects, I have minimal but nonzero experience with soldering. We are both a bit lost on how to pick LED strip lighting and a controller.

Info about our setup:

• We will have several bookcases next to each other
• We would rather drill a slightly bigger hole in the side of the cases to pass the strip itself in between the cases rather than deal with extra soldering joints
• We have picked out conduit already (basically all of the non-electrical components)
• There are seven shelves on each case so we'll need seven LED strips
• There will be roughly 10 feet (a bit less) of strips per shelf, collectively across all the cases
• We would like to have RGB controls, but we don't care about syncing to music

Questions:

• What LED strips would you recommend? Longevity being probably the most important part
• What controller/power supply should we use? Keep in mind neither of us is super experienced with this kind of thing so the less complicated the better
• Anything else I should be asking that I'm not? Any advice in general?

Edit: Realized I sent the wrong link originally. This is the guide we're following.

I walked out of the grocery store. It was pretty windy, and right outside the doors there was a bird flying. Except, because of the wind speed going against the bird, it wasn’t really moving at all. Instead it was just kind of floating in one spot. Imagine a bird flying on a wind treadmill, and you’ve got the right idea.

It was a tiny little thing, but I thought it was awesome. It kind of blows my mind that something like that is even possible, and seeing it up close was a delight. It brightened my day significantly.

Share a small but bright moment from your day.

If you were in a long (10–15 years is long to me) relationship but split around that mark, could you share?

Specifically what led to it, how did you know it was the right thing to do, how did you do it, and how did it go? How long did you have to think about ending the relationship before actually doing it? How did the other person react? How did you deliver the news?

And how did you handle the aftermath, both emotionally but also materially (splitting all your things, deciding who keeps what trinkets, finding separate accommodations, etc)?

I’ve been going through rough times for quite a while and I think I might have had enough… I’d like to learn from others to better understand where I’m standing.

Edit: this is not an abusive relationship, nobody is in danger from the other person, and there are no children involved. Just the feeling that it’s not working out anymore, that’s it’s become harder and harder over the last 4 years, that partner can’t accept my shortcomings while expecting me to accept theirs, and very poor decisions that led us down a path we’re having a hard time recovering from (materially and emotionally). Like something broke that can never be put back together.

Also, we’re not married and are renting. We file taxes separately and as far as the law is concerned common law requires some paperwork which we never did. So if we split we just walk away with what each has, we “only” have to figure out how to divide the stuff we owned together (appliances and that kind of stuff)

(Edit: I read everything yall had to say and this convo has been more helpful and uplifting than any other conversation I’ve had about this. Thanks guys🥹)

After a bad break up, I moved back into my mom’s at 36 to focus on myself and get my shit teogether. I take better care of myself, and it really shows. I've lost weight and gained muscle. My skin looks better, my clothes fits better. My overall appearance overall has improved.

Now I'm 37. I'm hot now, but I am still unemployed, and still living at my mom’s. I get more attention when I'm outside, but at this low point of my life, attention is the last thing i want. Women are stopping me on the street just to talk. I'll be at the store and when I randomly look up, people are staring at me. I feel like a unicorn walking around.

It came to a head the other day when I went to a friend's event with his coworkers. As I go pay for my drink ticket, his boss goes “[Your friend] said you were broke, but he didn't tell me you were pretty”.

I feel like shit man. I know my financial status doesn't define my worth as a person, but it doesn’t make me feel good. (Also my friend sucks, but that's not the focus here). I feel like I can't talk about all the weirdness I'm experiencing. My job situation is embarrassing, and talking about my glow up sounds like bragging.

I’m just in a weird space right, and it’d be nice to hear from other men about it.

So I'm growing my hair out and I'm at the awkward stage where it's too short to tie back, but too long to just let loose.

I mostly use a metal hair band, which is fine enough, but I'd like an alternative that isn't hair gel that makes it all very stiff and feeling like I'm wearing a helmet.

I've tried a hairdo cream, but at least the one I found smelled very strongly (perfume, not chemically) and it made my hair look oily and wet.

So my question is, are there products I should try that let me keep my hair out of my eyes (I usually just comb it all to the back) in some semblance of order while not stiffening it up?

Most everyone will spend a significant portion of their life working in some way shape or form. Our jobs can cause us to learn new skills or see the world in a different light after gaining new experiences.

I was thinking about my own career and how it has caused changes in my own life, and it got me thinking how other Tilders might view their work and their life through that lens.

Have you noticed your career has changed you, and if there are any changes you can think of, do any of them surprise you?
Do you look at things differently after working a particular job?
How has your job impacted you?

Questions first, the long backstory in the details section that follows if you care to read it. Thank you in advance for your consideration.

I've framed this in terms of parents for convenience, but of course I am interested in anyone's experience with the aging.

What did you learn later that you wish you knew about having aging parents when they started needing more care?

What resources were the most help to you navigating the transitions?

That resources do you think were the most help to your parents in navigating the transitions?

If you weren't local, what kind of things did you do to help stay connected? What worked, and what didn't ?

I'm really struggling with depression, disappointment, and worry about my parents. What advice do you have for me?

The goal of the monthly Digital Detox topic is:

to evaluate and potentially address toxic or controlling aspects of tech in ways are meaningful for you

This is a shift away from the previous emphasis on a "Screenless Day" which was aimed at being a specific task/event.

People can certainly still take Screenless Days as part of their Digital Detox, but I wanted to open this up a bit more to allow more opportunities for discussion and change rather than just temporarily cutting screens.

Please make this topic what you want it to be. There's no right or wrong way to post in it.

All people posting in this topic will be automatically added to the Digital Detox notification list. If you do NOT want to be added to the list, please let me know in your comment.

Monthly Discussion Starter: What "digital detox" steps have you tried in the past? Did they work? Why or why not?

"Think of the most successful person you know personally in your field. If you had to attribute their position to one primary edge over their peers, which of these was it?"
​A) Exceptional raw talent or intellectual capability
​B) Unusually high stamina and willingness to work long hours
​C) Great interpersonal instinct and emotional intelligence
​D) Being in the right place at the right time with the right background

Choosing just one is a recommendation
Within cells interlinked

Hi Tilderinos,

I've got to ship some wrought iron to a blacksmith in another country to be reforged and properly heat treated. I've worked with them before and they're far better than anything that is available in my country.

They've asked me to ship the pieces in a wooden box, that is not real wood (I don't know the English term for it). It must be processed wood, the names in our hardware stores are multiplex and plywood underlayment etc. This is to avoid customs issues with untreated wood.

I have been advised to make the sides of the box multiplex, with underlayment for the top and the bottom. I have my dimensions, but I have never done a woodworking project before and I am nervous the men in the hardware store will laugh at me for my inexperience.

I have some basic questions like:

• Is it okay to go to the hardware place and ask them to cut my pieces to size?

• The box must hold together fine, but it doesn't need to be beautiful or lasting. I am thinking of putting the top and bottom on like the back of an IKEA wardrobe, with tacks, but my wife says hiring a staple gun might save a lot of time. Would a staple gun be too aggressive and potentially wreck the rather soft treated wood?

• Lastly... Could someone just reassure me this will be fine? I associate woodworking as a very masculine 'father' skill and I did not have one of those. I have very poor spatial awareness and my wife is the furniture assembler in the house, so she will be helping me, but this is my first time trying this craft that I find very intimidating.

Thank you for any input anyone is able to provide!

The Reboot!

I used to run a series of "Screenless Day" monthly posts that were aimed at nudging people to put a short pause on the toxic aspects of tech in their life. They never got much traction, but it was also hard to tell if people were participating because they wouldn't necessarily be here commenting on it and would instead be, you know, off doing other things.

There has been some renewed interest in the idea recently, so I decided to reboot the series and see how it goes now (especially because the wider tech landscape is arguably worse than it was back when I first started them).

The spirit of Screenless Day remains the same as it always has been:

a simple event aimed at encouraging people to take a temporary step away from toxic or consuming aspects of technology and spend their time and energies elsewhere

Anyone can choose to take a Screenless Day at any time, but the idea is to nudge people towards doing it over the first weekend of the month. Each new discussion topic will go live on the first Friday of the month, and it will remain open for the duration of the month.

It is strongly encouraged that you talk about your Screenless Day here, as part of the fun of the event is that, even though you might be doing something independently, your actions fit into a larger community picture of other people here sharing the same values.

Also, to promote both reflection and discussion on the goals of Screenless Day, each month I will be including a new discussion question to provide people the opportunity to reflect on their relationship with technology and keep the topic more “alive” and visible.

This Month

In addition to the once again regularly scheduled Screenless Day, there are a couple of housekeeping things for our first month back:

1. Building a notification list.

I will be building a notification list to be pinged each time a monthly Screenless Day topic goes up. Anyone commenting in this topic will be included by default. If you do NOT want to be included in the list, please let me know in your comment.

2. Changing the name?

"Screenless Day" can be a bit misleading (see the FAQ below), so I'm open to other name ideas. Everything I can come up with tends to sound negative however (e.g. "Pause Toxic Tech" day or something), and I want the name to be a simple but positive one.

Monthly Discussion

Use this topic to:

1. Talk about your plans for an upcoming Screenless Day.
2. Tell everyone what you chose to do for your Screenless Day, and how it went.
3. Reflect on your relationship with technology.

This month's discussion question:

• Of all the tech you use in your life, what platform/app/device/etc do you feel has the most overall negative impact on you? Why do you think that is?

FAQ

(please read as "colorados tildohs, how-dooose it suit you?")

Things like

• Do you feel concerned about living there long term?
• Does the water situation bother you?
• Did you move there as an adult, or were you raised there? How does it compare to other places, in your view?

I have a bit of a fascination with it and have considered moving, but it's a big change from where I currently live.

My kids were asking me about my clothes and why I don't get new clothes. They are growing and get new clothes are they outgrow their old clothes. I was telling them I'm done growing and that my clothes still work so I only get a new piece of clothing every now and then, or when something I use breaks.

It got me thinking how old some of my clothes are getting, which is a perfect question for my fellow Tilders.

For me, the oldest t-shirt I have I still wear regularly is 17 years old from my high school American football team

I have a dress shirt and jacket my grandpa gave me that is ~30-40 years old. When he gave it to me he said he got it when Reagen was in office.
I kind of wish I had more of his clothes as he always made sure to dress presentable. Slacks and a button up at minimum, but I tried not to ask him for things as a lot of my family members would ask him for money and/or things and I didn't want to be like them. I mainly wanted to spend time with him and got the shirt because I mentioned needing to get a new dress shirt on the way back to university after be asked what my plans were. He took the shirt he was wearing off and then grabbed the jacket off the hook by the door before insisting I take them both since they looked good together.
Sadly a number of my family members got into my grandpa's house after he passed away before my Dad could change the locks and a lot of things went missing, including most of his wardrobe.

As a follow up to the "do you iron your clothes" question, does anyone else experience significant clothes shrinkage (particularly for t shirts) when they put clothes in the dryer? This never used to be a problem, but no matter what settings I use, it always seems to shrink them now!

Anyone got any advice? I am currently hanging my best clothes to avoid shrinkage, but a better solution would be preferred.

I can't imagine anyone doing this regularly but at the same time, people at work have wrinkle-free clothes!

I hear people take their clothes to the laundromat to avoid doing so, but that seems like it'll get expensive.

How do you manage to keep your office clothes neat and presentable?

A few months ago someone posted an article on the male loneliness epidemic. I had shared my thoughts in the comments on that post. But I think that article and a lot of comments are under the impression that "redpill" content/ideology is still in vogue or relevant in today's world. It still has its followers and influencers for sure, but it's not at the forefront of cultural discussions anymore. To think otherwise is outdated, the redpill era died around 2022/2023 and was replaced by a more incel-derived "blackpill" era.

Thanks to TikTok, what was once relegated to niche internet forums became mainstream. The biggest influencer from this internet phenomenon is Clavicular, who is currently getting articles written about him in press outlets such as The Hollywood Reporter and People.

I am no stranger to talking about looks (side note: I would have taken more time to write that out and discuss broader topics, such as "types," if I had known it would have gotten as much attention as it did). And I have been around looksmaxxxing spaces on the internet since about 2022. I'll try to make this as brief and simple as I can.

What is the blackpill?

The blackpill is a deterministic outlook on life. It states that your genetics determines the quality of your life, and if you were not born with advantageous bone structure and height, then "it was over before it even started." You won't be successful in life, you won't find love, and you will end up a lonely, pathetic person wishing you'd been born looking better.

How does this differ from the redpill?

The redpill has some overlap with the blackpill. Both believe that men are the true victims of society. That feminism has been detrimental, this and that, and the other. The redpill, however, insinuates that you can self-improve. There's almost zero focus on improving looks, and it's almost entirely focused on making money and increasing your status.

A core belief of the redpill is that all women are gold diggers, and in order to get laid, you need to make a ton of money. The blackpill does not entirely dispute this, but it does say that if a woman chooses you for money, she will never actually love you. And that you are paying a lot of money for affection and attention that an attractive man gets for free.

I think that explanation in and of itself should show you the difference between the two.

What's looksmaxxxing? Are looksmaxxxing and the blackpill interchangeable terms?

They are not.

Looksmaxxxing is what guys do to look better, to increase their rankings on the looks scale. So that they can start getting laid (primarily) or start to "mog" (i.e., outshine everyone in a room).

In certain blackpill spaces looksmaxxxing is seen as cope, since, again, your life was determined by genetics and there's nothing you can do to fix this.

You might think looksmaxxxing consists of losing body fat, getting a skin care routine, dressing nicely, hygiene, and cologne. And that is part of it, all of that stuff is considered "softmaxxxing" but there's also "hardmaxxxing" as in surgeries and other more serious treatments such as steroids and peptides (which technically occupy a grey area between soft and hard maxxxing). An example of a popular surgery is double jaw surgery, here's the subreddit for it so you can see examples. If your jaw was not properly developed and you have a recessed chin (or a pushed-in chin), then a double jaw surgery is something you can do that would greatly increase your attractiveness. Although it does carry quite a bit of risk. There are other surgeries that people do on their eyes, their noses, ear pinning, there's a lot.

It is essentially a belief that your best investment is going to be in how you look. It's a bit of a running joke that instead of going to college, you should invest in plastic surgery, and that will do more to make your life better than a degree.

How do they view women? How do they view themselves?

The belief is that women are hypergamous. That they will only want to date up, and it's significantly easier for women to date and get laid, even if they are below average looking. And that even an above average looking man will have trouble since they aren't the holy grail of attractiveness.

Here's a brief explanation of their rating system.

• Sub-5

5 is considered average; sub-5 means below average. Not even that you don't get attention but that you get negative attention from the people around you.

• Low-Tier Normie / Low-Tier Becky
• Mid-Tier Normie / Mid-Tier Becky
• High-Tier Normie / High-Tier Becky

The "normie" categories are all average categories. Ranging from on the low side of average (LTN) to above average (HTN). The High Tier categories are where a lot of attractive actors sit, think romcom leads, the boy/girl next door types.

• Chad/Stacy

Essentially unobtainable beauty. Taylor Hill or Henry Cavill.

Depending on who you're talking to, someone would say that "life starts at HTN" or that life doesn't exist unless you're "Chad." And that if you're anything below that, you might as well not even exist.

How did it get popular?

The first instance most people probably heard of it was likely in 2014 when Elliot Rodger committed a mass shooting at a University. He was a member of a looksmaxxxing forum (the original looksmaxxxing forum, I believe), which led to the site being shut down and thus delaying any chance of its popularity. If you go back and watch and read what Elliot Rodger believed, it makes more sense in today's context now that this thought process has been more normalized.

In 2023, TikTok started promoting this content. Primarily from "edits" here's an example and coinciding with that were also the rise of a few influencers. All leading up to Clavicular, and how dominant he is on social media (thanks in part to funding from Peter Thiel). He was a kid posting on looksmaxxxing forums, was a micro celebrity in the niche, became a slightly bigger internet celebrity on TikTok before streamers started bringing him on leading to his insane fame.

Conclusion

Going back to the initial tildes post that I linked to. That whole thing was essentially saying, if you're just a good person, then someone will want to date you or fall in love with you or want to have sex with you or whatever. And I think part of the reason why looksmaxxxing stuff has taken off is that it feels more honest. It's not coddling you, and if you do improve your looks, you're going to see better results in dating than if you read feminist literature or something. So the takeaway ends up being that one of these places was telling me the truth.

Like, on a broader scale, it's a response to the body positivity stuff from the 2010s. When everyone was being told that it's okay if you're obese, it's healthy, it's beautiful. And there was just kind of a sense of performance to all of it.
The effort to change what people are attracted to, or to shame people for not being attracted to a certain thing. Has it gone too far? Probably, but I think that's why it took off initially and why it grew so quickly.

I obviously have my own personal experience about this, and so I very obviously know that it's not just what's inside that counts. Normal everyday people will make assumptions about you based on the way that you look. And I don't think it's a morally wrong thing to acknowledge that it happens, nor do I think it's a morally righteous thing to pretend like it doesn't.

My partner and I have long been on the fence about whether or not to have a child. Now we're approaching middle age, it feels like it's a 'now or never' decision point, and ... well, I'm still torn.

On the one hand, I see the state the world is in. I'm keenly aware of the latest climate projections and what they mean (I also know enough to know how much we can still improve things if we decide to). I'm afraid of escalating instability and societal strife. What if I can't get my medications? I don't know how I'd go on even without a child in the picture. I still struggle to accept the world as it is, which is quite a bit bleaker than it was portrayed to me growing up. I spent years of my life wishing I was not born. How could I bring a child into that circumstance?

On the other hand, I'm really, really good with kids (and teenagers!) and find relationships with them really rewarding. I love spending time with my nieces, nephews, and friends' kids, and it leaves me wishing I could also shape a human with the values and priorities that are most important to me - stewardship, patience, music. I don't want the religious wingnuts to be the only ones shaping the next generation! My partner and I have a lot of privileges and would be able to offer a lot to a child, from quality education, to a fantastic extended family, to multiple powerful citizenships / passports. Hell, our parents would even move in to help us out with childcare for at least the first few years. You can't ask for much more than that.

Obviously this is a big question, and it's one my partner and I are talking about extensively. I'm also going to return to counseling soon to piece through things.

I'm certain that others on Tildes have also navigated this question. Do any of my thoughts resonate with you? What did you decide and why? Are you happy with your choice?

And has anyone adopted? Adoption is the dark horse here. Once upon a time that was my preferred route, but now that I've spent a lot more time reading about the risks and realities I've cooled on it a bit. I am certain I can deal with many challenges of raising a child, but not stuff like oppositional defiance or connection disorders, which occur at ~2x the rate in adopted children, many of whom have trauma. They deserve love too, but unfortunately I have limits due to my own mental health troubles. And all of that is to say nothing of the often sketchy or uncomfortable legal and societal circumstances of adoption.

I deeply appreciate any and all thoughts and experiences you take the time to share.