kaffo's recent activity
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Comment on What internet discussion sites remain? in ~tech
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My partner says our relationship has always felt suffocating, but she does not know what she wants. What would you do?
Hi tilderinos! We all love a good relationship drama thread, so I wanted to add my own. I'm posting from my main account because all this dirty laundry is already open and out between both my...
Hi tilderinos! We all love a good relationship drama thread, so I wanted to add my own. I'm posting from my main account because all this dirty laundry is already open and out between both my partner and all my friends and family. Thank you for any advice or support you can offer <3
Disclaimer
I had to use ChatGPT to help with this, so that's why it reads a little different and ended up a bit like a reddit post. What I initially wrote was a stream of consciousness and it was really difficult for someone to read and give any good advice. So I kindly asked Mr Altman to help me format my thoughts and remove any particular one sided emotions or weighting to make it a little more objective and I'm more happy with what it's come out with.
The current problem
My partner and I are going through a very difficult point in our relationship, and I would really appreciate some outside perspectives.
The short version is: my partner of nearly four years recently told me that our relationship has always felt suffocating to her. She said she has tried to look for positives from the last few years and cannot find any. At the same time, she cried heavily while saying this, has booked herself into therapy, and says she does want a partner eventually. She just does not know whether that partner is me, or whether she can be in this relationship as it currently exists.
I love her deeply, but I also feel ignored, pushed away, and emotionally starved. I am trying to decide whether I should stay and give her space, leave, or take a formal break by moving out for a few months.
Background / how we got here
For context, I have had three serious long-term relationships before this one, and I think I have become much more emotionally mature through them, though I’m sure I still have plenty to learn. This is my partner’s first serious relationship. She has not dated much before, and in my opinion, she has also not had many deep, emotionally close friendships. She is also strongly suspected to be somewhere on the autistic spectrum, though she has never been officially diagnosed.
We met online and were extremely into each other. When we met in person, the chemistry was great, and afterwards we missed each other constantly. After almost a year, I started asking how we could make the relationship work long-term. She said it felt like a big jump, but we talked about it a lot and she eventually seemed fine with the idea.
Not long after, I moved in with her, which also meant moving country. To her credit, she was extremely helpful and considerate during that process.
Just before I moved in, she broke her leg badly and spent over a week in hospital. I helped as much as I could, but it was a very stressful start. I was moving country, taking on more chores, and trying to care for her at the same time. I did it because I love her, and I knew she would physically recover eventually.
What we did not expect was how much the recovery would affect her mentally. She became quite depressed, which is understandable, and it really took the wind out of the first year and a half of us living together. She had very little energy for me or the relationship, and intimacy was limited. I was not getting my needs met either, but we talked a lot and I felt like I understood what she was going through.
Around a year ago, things started to improve. Her mood was better more often, she seemed more present, and when we were intimate, she seemed to put in more effort. I was still the one initiating anything physical, which bothered me, but I hoped that would improve over time. Dates, time together, and our general friendship also seemed to be getting better. I felt like she was slowly trusting me more and letting me in.
Our living situation probably has not helped. I work from home all day, every day, in a room next to the living room. It is a very public space, and I think neither of us has really felt alone. Sometimes I would also play video games after work in that same area, which meant I was still in her space.
Her emotional difficulties
One of the hardest parts is that my partner has extreme difficulty understanding her own emotions. She talks openly about this. She often says she bottles everything up and does not really understand what she feels or why. She has also said she used to feel a lot more when she was younger, but at some point her difficult relationship with her parents caused her to start repressing things.
She often cannot answer direct questions about what she wants. Most of the time, her answer is “I don’t know.”
Sometimes, if we sit down and talk through it slowly, I can help her get to a clearer answer. But it takes a long time, and it is obviously hard work for her. I am also worried that this dynamic can become almost like therapy, where I am trying to guide her into understanding herself. I do not think that is healthy for either of us.
Another thing that scares me is that she seems unable to hold onto positive emotional experiences. We have had romantic dates and close moments where I know she felt something. I could see love, warmth, energy, and joy in her. But if I ask her about those moments a day, week, or month later, it is like the feeling is gone. She will just say, “It was fine.”
That makes the situation very confusing. When she lets her guard down, the relationship can feel genuinely loving and connected. That is part of why I am struggling to walk away. But she often makes an effort to avoid these moments.
I also have a strong suspicion that I might be the first supportive relationship with anyone she's had in her life before. Her family and her close friends (the same friends all the way from high school) do not offer any kind of emotional support or affection. They are the kind of people who don't say "well done!" but "...You could have done this better." There's been lots of instances during the relationship where she's reacted with confusion or surprise at what I would consider basic levels of kindness and support.
The recent breaking point
This past winter, her mood dropped again. She became increasingly cold and shut me out. We went a long time with no physical contact, not even cuddling. She did not seem interested in anything I had to say, whether it was important or not, and she had very little to share with me either.
After a few weeks, I sat her down and asked what was going on.
That is when she told me the relationship was too much for her, and that it always had been. She said it felt suffocating and that she did not know how to “come up for air.” She said she had tried to find positive things in the relationship but could not find any, not even one, from the last three years.
At the same time, she was looking me in the eyes and crying extremely hard. We talked for hours, and I think she got a lot of catharsis from finally saying it.
After that conversation, she immediately booked herself into therapy because she said she needed someone to help her understand herself. I think that is a good step. But it also feels very much like an “I need help now” decision, rather than her having any clear long-term idea of what she wants.
She has admitted, through tears, that she thinks she would be lonely and unhappy alone. She does want a partner. She just does not know if that partner is me, or if she can be with me in the version of the relationship we have had so far. Honestly, I agree that the relationship as it has been is not sustainable.
What has changed since
Since that conversation, we have drifted apart. I am sad about it and I miss my girlfriend, but right now it feels like we are two separate people living in the same building.
The first practical thing I did was move my office outside the house, because I thought that would give us both more breathing room. I think that was a good step, but it has not fixed the deeper issue.
She has also become completely glued to her phone in a way I have never seen before. She still uses her usual apps, but she also downloaded a random stranger-chat app, similar to Omegle, where she talks to people about their lives. She seems fascinated by it, almost like it is a real-life sitcom.
I was obviously concerned by that. I challenged her on whether it was appropriate to be using an app like that while our relationship was in such a bad place, especially when those apps can easily become sexual. She said she deletes anyone who gets sexual and that she just wants to talk to people, but does not know how to do that any other way.
She offered me her phone, and from what I saw, the conversations were shallow and non-sexual. I do not think she is cheating on me. What it looks like to me is that she is seeking low-pressure connection with strangers while avoiding the pressure and emotional weight of our actual relationship.
She does not seem able to tell me what she wants from me or the relationship. When I ask whether she wants to stay together, move apart, take a break, reduce contact, stop physical affection completely, or work on things, the answer is usually “I don’t know.”
For my part, I want to support her, but she is not really accepting support from me. In fact, I think my care may sometimes make her feel more pressured, upset, or resentful. I have stopped being romantic and I am not initiating physical touch. I am trying to give her as much space as possible. But even small thoughtful gestures, like making her a cup of tea, can be met with coldness or irritation. I understand why she might feel overwhelmed, but it still hurts.
What I am considering
The practical side is not a major barrier. I have a good financial buffer, my job is secure and remote, and I could rent an apartment or potentially move in with someone we know. I have options, and moving out would be reasonably low-risk for me.
So I think my options are:
- Stay, give her space, and support her when she asks for it.
This might give therapy a chance to help. But it could also leave me waiting indefinitely for someone who may never be ready, or who may eventually decide I am not her person.
- Leave.
This would hurt both of us, and she would lose a major source of support. But it might also be the cleanest option if she genuinely cannot be in the relationship and I am only prolonging the pain.
- Take a formal break by moving out for a few months.
This feels like a possible middle ground. It would give her space to understand herself without the daily pressure of living with me, and it would give me some emotional distance too. The idea would be to check in after a set period and keep only light contact in the meantime.
What I need advice on
What would you do in my position?
More specifically:
- How much space is reasonable to give someone who says the relationship feels suffocating but cannot say whether they want to leave?
- At what point does being patient and supportive become abandoning my own needs?
- Is it appropriate to push her, even gently, when I feel like I know how to help?
- Is there a better option I am not seeing?
I love her, and when things are good between us, the connection feels rare and real. But those moments are not happening enough, and I am struggling with how cold and uncertain things have become.
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Comment on Tildes Survey #6: Vote for the next four surveys we do! (Results) in ~talk
kaffo Link ParentHonestly I'm confused why it got so many votes? We have lots of great video game chats and I think I already have a pretty good idea of what more than a few Tilderinos play and enjoy. An anonymous...Honestly I'm confused why it got so many votes? We have lots of great video game chats and I think I already have a pretty good idea of what more than a few Tilderinos play and enjoy. An anonymous vote for every video game ever isn't going to really show anything that interesting that's not talked about in far greater detail in the many (great!) threads we have.
Though, maybe I'm just upset that we didn't get the survey question for the Tildes moniker to finally put to bed the most popular (obviously it would be binding vote :p)
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Comment on What are people's experiences with using Kagi? in ~tech
kaffo LinkI've used it for around a year now and I do think it's my favourite search engine. However I won't lie that my usage has got lower and lower as I use ChatGPT and Claude for a lot more day to day...I've used it for around a year now and I do think it's my favourite search engine. However I won't lie that my usage has got lower and lower as I use ChatGPT and Claude for a lot more day to day searching now. Obviously I'm aware it's quite the opposite of privacy focused and supporting the exactly wrong people but I feel it's like amazon, it's become far too convenient to ignore.
However if you're looking for a good search engine I liked it too. It's not going to blow you're mind with it's capabilities or anything IMO but it's gives the results you expect with a good UI/UX and lots of tools to tweak them.
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Comment on Do you prefer to 100% games, or to move on to new experiences? in ~games
kaffo LinkHonestly, my patience for games has completely eroded. When I was younger I would 100 percent every game I had. Though, it was at least partially because I didn't have more choice. These days I'll...Honestly, my patience for games has completely eroded. When I was younger I would 100 percent every game I had. Though, it was at least partially because I didn't have more choice.
These days I'll pick up a game I like the look of either from a let's play, the steam home page or a friend just told me about it and I'll play it until either the next thing grabs my attention (which is sometimes hours or days later) or I just lose interest. Which happens more than I like.
Recently I was trying to push myself to finish titles before putting them down, and I was at least getting almost to the end of titles. But God damn finishing is hard. I'm annoyed at myself for leaving Survival: Fountain of Youth one island before the end because I had all the tech tree and I lost interest in unlocking any new things. It was just a case of playing to the end and the story sucked so I stopped. But it must have only been a handful of hours away.
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Comment on What has changed as you've gotten older? in ~talk
kaffo Link ParentI find that a small hatch back gets the best of both worlds here. I can be doing 40mph and it feels like I'm doing 100 haha. Gotta be a modern car though so it's safe. Big cars are more convenient...I find that a small hatch back gets the best of both worlds here. I can be doing 40mph and it feels like I'm doing 100 haha. Gotta be a modern car though so it's safe.
Big cars are more convenient in some ways, but they do make you feel like you're going slow.Though yes, you're right, it's best to be going nice and slow, it's not worth it!
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Comment on Tildes Survey #5: Pineapple on pizza? (Results) in ~talk
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Comment on Tildes Survey #5: Pineapple on pizza? (Results) in ~talk
kaffo LinkThis poll does not allow me to voice my opinion and I am extremely upset. /s My answer is "I don't care". I don't have it on pizza and you can do what you want!This poll does not allow me to voice my opinion and I am extremely upset. /s
My answer is "I don't care". I don't have it on pizza and you can do what you want!
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Comment on Why is it so hard to get an ADHD diagnosis? How do you find a good psychologist? in ~health.mental
kaffo Link ParentThis is really similar to the process I just went through in Norway, except I went private due to the long queue with public. Lots of forms and questionnaires, spoke to my partner, my parents and...This is really similar to the process I just went through in Norway, except I went private due to the long queue with public.
Lots of forms and questionnaires, spoke to my partner, my parents and me quite a lot about my current behaviour and how I acted as a child.
The psychiatrist I spoke to also had a session with me where they went though Non-ADHD diagnosis which I found extremely helpful.
Now I'm waiting to speak to the psychiatrist about medication. -
Comment on Vaping DMT in ~talk
kaffo Link ParentI don't have any tips for getting out of a bad trip except the usual ones. Change setting, accept the process, go for a walk. That kinda thing. But if you go into something like a full on DMT trip...I don't have any tips for getting out of a bad trip except the usual ones. Change setting, accept the process, go for a walk. That kinda thing.
But if you go into something like a full on DMT trip you ain't doing anything because you are essentially unconscious for 5 minutes. Fortunately it's only 5 minutes haha.Though, I have no idea how strong DMT laced weed is, or what weed does to DMT when mixed. When I tried it I had pure DMT and I dry vaped like 5mg or something.
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Comment on Vaping DMT in ~talk
kaffo LinkDMT is a odd choice for "I don't want something too intense" lol. Yeah it's short, but once you take a hit big enough to get through the tunnel you're full non-body experience/ego death. I tried...DMT is a odd choice for "I don't want something too intense" lol.
Yeah it's short, but once you take a hit big enough to get through the tunnel you're full non-body experience/ego death.
I tried some in university and the good trips were insane. I still vividly remember the intense imagery of snakes, demons, gods, dark smoke filled rooms. It was fucking wild.
I did have a "bad trip" when my ex who was supposed to be sitting me decided to go and leave me right after I took a hit. That made me stop after that because even though it was 5 minutes I felt like my soul had be dammed to literal hell. -
Comment on Executive (dys)function flavors? in ~talk
kaffo Link ParentThanks for the thoughts! Yeah no problem, though I live in Norway so comparison might be difficult lol. I went private (because the waiting list here is almost a year to see a public therapist)....Thanks for the thoughts! Yeah no problem, though I live in Norway so comparison might be difficult lol. I went private (because the waiting list here is almost a year to see a public therapist). The actual assessment was like 2000 dollars, it doesn't include anything after.
Not sure how helpful that is but hope it's helpful a little! I'm sure lots of other US tilderinos could help too.
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Comment on Buying a high-end PC for the first time - help me to doublecheck what I'm buying? Is 4k a bad idea with the specs? in ~tech
kaffo LinkPersonally, I'm on board with the "pc monitors are too small for 4k to be effective" and 4k is extremely demanding. There was a monitor thread recently, a lot of tilderinos and myself run 1440p...Personally, I'm on board with the "pc monitors are too small for 4k to be effective" and 4k is extremely demanding.
There was a monitor thread recently, a lot of tilderinos and myself run 1440p and I think that's the sweet spot. Games look and run great at this resolution and the desktop experience is excellent too. I would always choose a rock solid 60 or 140 FPS over a shaky one, and without using up scaling (like DLSS or FSR).This is just an opinion though!
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Comment on Executive (dys)function flavors? in ~talk
kaffo Link ParentHey @sparksbet thought I'd get back to you. I did go to the psychologist/psychiatrist to get an ADHD assessment and it was genuinely really helpful. Thanks so much for your advice. They've helped...Hey @sparksbet thought I'd get back to you. I did go to the psychologist/psychiatrist to get an ADHD assessment and it was genuinely really helpful. Thanks so much for your advice.
They've helped me understand that I have ADHD and anxiety disorder. Though the anxiety is the dominant force. But it helped explain so much why I think and feel the way I do.
They want to talk to me about some kind of meds for either/both to try and make my life better and I'm all for it. I'm going to speak to the psychiatrist in a few weeks.Thanks again! I hope things are going well with you.
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Comment on What's something that you missed out on? in ~talk
kaffo Link ParentI have two bitcoin stories. First one is mine. I did mine bitcoin in 2011 and I was mining like half a coin a day if I left my pc on. But it was noisy as fuck and it was before pizza time, so I...I have two bitcoin stories.
First one is mine. I did mine bitcoin in 2011 and I was mining like half a coin a day if I left my pc on. But it was noisy as fuck and it was before pizza time, so I didn't bother mining more than a couple and they ended up in different wallets.
When bitcoin actually got money, like it was worth hundreds of dollars, I tried to dig up my wallets and couldn't find any. I'd changed pc and I just couldn't find the wallets on the hard drives at all. When it hit like 20k I tried again and I actually found a wallet with half a coin on it. I managed to get best part of 10k completely free money and used it for a deposit on an apartment. On one hand I'm extremely grateful, but part of me was like "man I wish I'd mined more" lolSecond one was an old friend, she mined loads. I am sure she had like 10 or 20 bitcoin and she cashed it all in for pizza. She was really positive about it, that the free pizza was pretty good lol. But man that would have been some insane money.
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Comment on Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (May 2026) in ~health.mental
kaffo Link ParentThanks a lot for the reply! It's useful advice, thank you. I do allow myself to get completely smothered I won't lie, but it also doesn't bother me the same way it would someone with autism. But I...Thanks a lot for the reply!
It's useful advice, thank you.
I do allow myself to get completely smothered I won't lie, but it also doesn't bother me the same way it would someone with autism. But I definitely will make a point of taking my own time to decompress. I started going to the swimming pool every week and I find it extremely relaxing, it also gives her like 4 hours on her own, so it's a win win.It's going to be a long journey but I'm happy as long as she's making progress!
Again, appreciate the input!
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Comment on Project Hail Mary - Discussion thread in ~movies
kaffo Link ParentWhile I agree with you that the didn't do a great job of making Grace seem as intelligent as he is in the book (I think they could have done with one or two more passing scenes of him actually...While I agree with you that the didn't do a great job of making Grace seem as intelligent as he is in the book (I think they could have done with one or two more passing scenes of him actually succeeding, because Rocky got a lot of the limelight) I think it was extremely intentional they made Grace more of a coward and less of a scientist in the movie.
My thinking is the reveal of Grace refusing to go on the Hail Mary. In my opinion, it felt a little weird for book Grace to come to that conclusion because, although he complained about, he was always proactive, self sufficient and extremely effective. Especially when he had Stratt encouraging him.
Making movie Grace like literally a lonely school teacher who's pretty smart and has a background in the right area, suddenly the reveal makes so much more sense. Of course he doesn't want to go, he's just a dude.
Also think it changes the relationship with Rocky slightly, they are still a team but movie Grace relies on Rocky a lot more to actually succeed than book Grace. Like I would have not been surprised if book Grace solved the astrophage mystery himself without Rocky being there at all, though their friendship was incredible to read. But movie Grace would have curled up in a ball and starved to death I think without Rocky.Anyway, it was definitely aimed at the mass audience. Everyone I know loved it, so the producers and directors clearly knew what to cut and what to keep. I understood the direction they took it, even if I'd like to see more science myself.
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Comment on Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (May 2026) in ~health.mental
kaffo LinkI'm going through a rough patch in my relationship. Luckily it's not a surprise and my partner is talking to me. It's frustrating to me because I think I can see quite clearly how we can fix our...I'm going through a rough patch in my relationship. Luckily it's not a surprise and my partner is talking to me.
It's frustrating to me because I think I can see quite clearly how we can fix our problems and improve the relationship in a lot of ways (and yes I'm careful not to voice all my "solutions" during our conversations because I know that's extremely detrimental). However my partner is autistic and is really struggling not only with her own emotions but also the completely overwhelming relationship. I can see so clearly she needs time and space to process the relationship and I know she wants me in her life, but she's saying a lot of hurtful things and completely disengaging right now, and it's really hard on me. My rational brain is telling me is short term. Especially with autism she needs to decompress.
She's also booked time to see a therapist which I thought was extremely mature of her. I know she's not going to go for one session and come back different, but it's a step in the right direction to help herself.
I feel like she jumped into the relationship too early without thinking about it and she's now realizing she wasn't ready. I love her a lot, she loves me although she doesn't really understand what that means.
So yeah, I'm currently dealing with a shutdown partner and we are not in sync. It's really hard on me and she's not really processing any of this.
I can see this working really long term, I'm not sure she can look that far though, her mind is locked in today/tomorrow.In the mean time, I've been trying to keep up giving her as much space as I can while just doing extremely small acts of kindness, like making her cookies or making her favourite meal.
This was a bit of a vent, but I'm willing to take some advice if anyone has any about being autistic or having an autistic partner.
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Comment on Apple set to become third-biggest laptop maker this year in ~tech
kaffo Link ParentFor what it's worth I agree with you. I think it's really interesting to read these threads about OOS, rights to privacy and other freedoms also mixed in with "guys I just love my IPhone". I don't...For what it's worth I agree with you. I think it's really interesting to read these threads about OOS, rights to privacy and other freedoms also mixed in with "guys I just love my IPhone".
I don't disagree the hardware is excellent and you get great value for money. But you do buy into a walled garden and a ecosystem.
I used to use Dark Skies on my Android phone for years and it was by far the best weather app, I told a lot of friends and family to try it too and they liked it. Then Apple bought them put and integrated it into Apple weather, so fuck all of us I guess. I was even paying a subscription I liked it so much.
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Comment on Tildes Survey #2: What country do you live in? (Results) in ~talk
kaffo LinkSurprised it's a free text box and not a selector/drop down. That's going to be fun to sanitize the results!Surprised it's a free text box and not a selector/drop down. That's going to be fun to sanitize the results!
I recently found out about the indy web revival project. And I was extremely excited by it. There's an actually reasonably large user base creating really awesome late 90's and 00's style websites and all linking to each other.
Seems like the core of these is neocities and nekoweb as hosting platforms and you can discover sites from other sites/web rings just like the old days.
Many of the sites have mailboxes and/or chat rooms, there's lots of forums and activity. I'm really excited to dive in to be honest but I've been kinda busy/stressed recently with work/life to find the time.
Edit: If you're interested, it seems like old school sites kicked off again during covid around 2020, then there was a huge resurgence around 2023 and they've been riding the wave ever since.