I've had this idea rattling around in my head all day and feel I need to get it out. I apologize in advance if my thoughts seem jumbled or unoriginal, I'd just like them to escape.

As a preface, I speak of being a step-parent to young children through adolescence. The dynamics change when you are older and your parents remarry.

What does it mean to be a step-parent? I've wrangled with this most of my life in some way - my grandparents divorced before I was born, and I had a step-grandma from the start. Being around her always came with extra rules. I would later realize this was always the case with new step-parents, after my own parents divorced. Is that really what it means to step-parent though? To come into a situation and impose your own new rules and routines on this child that isn't yours, who has no real connection with you? I chafed with these restrictions and impositions. I disagreed many times, and it hurt me when I felt that my parents didn't support me, their child, and instead agreed with this impostor.

Of course this is a simple, childish view, but it was certainly correct in some ways. Most often, I simply felt confused and angry about why these adults who were not my parents were pretending to be. Much of this is likely unresolved trauma from the divorce itself - it was very messy.

At times though, I was right to mistrust these people who had step-ed into my life. My stepmom was (is) emotionally abusive, and my dad enabled and supported that behavior. My stepfather tried to force religion on me, nearly kicking me out of the house over it. Fortunately in that case my mother was ready to leave with me (literally, with packed bags) and he backed down.

So how does one handle a step-parent? How does one be a good step-parent?

Years ago I met a woman who I came to love. She came with two children, who I became a stepfather to. Now I was in the position of the impostor, the interloper to this family dynamic which was already established. I really tried my best to figure out where I should draw what lines. How would discipline be handled? What rules did we need? How would I know that I didn't overstep some boundary or line? Given my history, I felt both prepared and utterly lost for what to do. I didn't feel that I'd ever had a positive model of a step-parent in my life. The closest was my stepmom in some moments where she truly supported us - between the abuses. I certainly wasn't going to be just like HER though.

Like any rational human being then, I talked to my wife about this at length. We established a few ground rules: We would do our best to be consistent (between mom, dad, and me), We would always keep the best interests of the children in mind, and we would never badmouth/doubt/cast shade on the decisions or actions of the other parents involved - at least not to the kids. These gave a good foundation, and we are also fortunate in that the adults in the room could get along and act in good faith with each other.

I work as a teacher, and fell back on that role often - a person of authority, who isn't a parent, but is certainly there to help you succeed and work with the parents. This seems to be a good framework to build off of.

What does it mean to be a step-parent? For me it means being a co-authority, a sort of triumvirate of care for the children. It means accepting that complex situations mean there are few easy, simple answers, and being able to navigate that. It also means knowing where your boundaries are, and not butting up against them, or worse, going over them.

If you are a step-parent, or have had one that's been a positive influence for you, I would love to hear your thoughts. Even if you aren't, or don't, I would love to hear your thoughts. Thank you for reading my messy opinion piece, and maybe for the next one I'll write when I have more than an hour to work on a post!

I was diagnosed with adult ADHD a few years ago. The first thing I focused on was structuring my schedule and environment to allow it to work to my advantage. This has helped immensely with improving myself and achieving my goals, I'd say even more so than medication has (then again, the meds helped me accomplish it in the first place).

However, it doesn't take much to push me off balance. Any unexpected events (frankly, even expected ones) can derail everything, and very quickly I feel this urge to go back to bed and start it all over again tomorrow. I'd liken it to maintaining momentum. Even things like doctor's appointments or mini vacations with my wife have me returning back to my life suddenly with no idea of how to manage it.

With my first kid on the way, I want to properly prepare myself. I've come to terms with the amount of focus and attention I'll have to give to him. In fact, it kind of sounds nice to recontextualize my life's purpose to just "keep this thing alive." However, I do have ambitions and lofty dreams that, if I'm being honest with myself, are THE reasons I get up in the morning.

I have no doubt I'll be able to recalibrate to this new life I'm about to enter and develop a new way of living that works for me, but I am curious if anyone has some tips or bits of wisdom to help make the transition quicker, easier, and smoother. To get through my day, I need to slowly pick up a head of steam and barrel through my tasks. How can I maintain this strategy with the frequent interruptions that are inherent to parenthood?

Thanks everyone. I'm very excited to have a mini-me.

I'm going to be a father soon. This kid was very much planned, and I've been pretty involved every step of the way, yet it still feels bizarre to say that out loud. At 26 (27 when the kid is born), I don't feel like a kid, but in some ways, I'm not sure I feel mature enough for parenthood.

I'm not too worried about the immediate logistical practicalities of parenthood. Things like how to clean, feed, and physically handle a newborn are things I can learn and seem fairly straightforward. Regarding what to get, I live within walking distance of a fairly well known baby supply store, so I figure I can just buy things as the need arises. I'm expecting that first month to be hard, but after I "figure out" the kid, I'm sure it'll be manageable. My folks did it, their folks did it, I'm sure I can do it too.

I guess what I'm really dwelling on is the more abstract aspects of fatherhood. I don't know what to expect and I don't really know what I don't know. What does it feel like? How should I prioritize my life? How do I figure out what's important and what isn't? I want to do what's best for the kid, but what does that even mean? How much is expecting too much from the kid? My wife wants the kid to be able to speak Russian, naturally, I want the kid to be able to speak English, and living in Japan, the kid will also have to pick up Japanese. Is that going to stunt the kid? I have so many questions and no one to really ask. I asked my own dad about it and all he said was something along the lines of "every kid is different, it might take a bit of time to really sink in that you're a dad" and that was that.

A bit of background about my situation:
On one hand, I'm in an okay place. I have a house with a very affordable mortgage, a modest, but stable career, and I live in a very safe part of Japan, which offers a lot of support for new parents. On the other hand, both my wife and I are thousands of miles from our respective families, so we're pretty much on our own and neither of are as fluent in the local language as we'd like to be.

One of my kids and his friend really want to do a lemonade stand (or something to that effect) this summer. I'm not really liking the idea of selling actual lemonade but I was thinking maybe they could stuff some freezies in a cooler and walk over to a local dog park. A big part of me wants my kids to actually execute an idea rather than dream about it and not actually do it. I want them to learn about money to some degree and maybe learn some lessons about making money... potato quality clip from my favourite show

Did you ever do a lemonade stand (or similar) as a kid?

What are some other things they could sell that would actually work?

Would ice be enough to keep freezies cold or should I buy some dry ice?

Is this all a dumb idea?

Hello, I hope this is the right place for this kind of question. I've thought about posting it for a few weeks now but didn't know whether I should or not.

My wife has recently opened a small home daycare. We tailored everything to what we would look for if we needed daycare for our child, which was a small class size (5 children max), fully licensed and compliant with all local and state laws (which a lot of other places aren't), plenty of safe indoor and outdoor space (including a whole damn playground), and a learning-based curriculum rather than just babysitting. We have gotten a couple of people to sign up, but are having a rough time attracting more. Some people message us to ask questions, but then never reply when we provide answers. We've tried lowering our prices a bit to get started, and we're very flexible when it comes to time and needs.

So I'm just wondering, for any parents out there who have or have had small children and needed daycare, how did you decide on a place? Where/how did you find this place? And what about it stood out to you? Was it the price? Location? Recommendation of a close friend?

Any insight would be appreciated, thanks.

Honest question. My son is only 5 months, but that is something that came to mind while reading posts on American websites. My culture is not nearly as sensitive to swear words are English speakers seem to be, so I would like to know if there's any reason to be mindful of that other than specific cultural sensibilities. Is it inherently bad to use swear words in front of kids? Do you have any personal views on the matter?

Becoming a father is a moment of great elation and stress, bringing challenges that are hard to anticipate. Given the different demands and circumstances that surround us, many of these challenges are not necessarily shared by our partners. At the very least, many challenges and fortuitous circumstances contain features that are more common for men. What was not like you expected (good or bad)? What did you find particularly surprising or revealing?

Recently my daughter (third grade) has started learning to type at school. It's a Montessori program, so it's a pretty low tech environment overall, which I mention because I don't necessarily expect them to have a nuanced view of technology issues.

One of the typing programs they use is nitrotype.com, which adds a competitive gameplay element. However, it also has mechanism to friend another player. Friends can only communicate with stock phrases, so there's not too much "Internet leakage" beyond being able to choose a username.

I set it up for my daughter on her Linux Chromebook (I whitelist things I want her to have and everything else is blocked at DNS). Seeing her interact with it the first time, I realized that she spends as much time "adding friends" as doing the typing.

On its face, this activity is pretty harmless. But I am worried about the patterns it might be creating for her. I'm worried about her uncritically engaging with the dopamine hit of getting a new friend. Or how it shapes her idea of how many friends she has or where idea of her self worth comes from. Or what she thinks friends are.

So after that long preamble, here are some questions:

• How would you explain "friends" in this context?
• Would you distinguish them from other kinds of friends, either real or virtual?
• Would you attach a moral component to the activity? E.g. that it is good/bad or helpful/harmful
• How would you frame it to the teacher? Not so much in terms of whether or not they should do it in the classroom, but what kinds of conversations should they be having about the friends experience?
• If I'm asking the wrong questions, what questions should I be asking instead?

I'm really interested in seeing the perspectives people have on this. My own ideas are a bit murky, but I will put them down as a comment.

We found out recently that we are expecting an addition to our family and are incredibly excited! It's still early on so we are not trying to get overly excited knowing that things can happen in the first trimester, but would like to begin educating ourselves on the pregnancy process and parenting.

Am curious and would love to hear from everyone what resources they found most helpful on these subjects. Pros for evidence based sources that manage to not be overly dry. Send me what you got! Any general advice you have would also be greatly appreciated :)

We’re finding it increasingly difficult find meaningful time to spend with the kids. They’re teens but still want to do stuff together and yet with all the extracurricular and us working it’s hard to just be together. They also have their own preferences and sometimes it’s hard to find common ground.

Was hoping to find some inspiration and ideas. Thanks in advance.

This question is particularly regarding kids ages 5-12. I've read some great tips, and I'm wondering what you have found to help. Here are a few:

1. Emphasize boundaries with frequent caretakers, such as grandparents and neighbors.
2. Share science facts, religious traditions, and a variety of creation myths with young kiddos to neutralize Bible stories.
3. Talk regularly about your own ethics and values.
4. Explain others' beliefs and contextualize those beliefs as part of their culture.

Aiming this question at parents mostly.

I'm about to be a dad in the next week or so and I obviously want to raise my son to be a good person. My father was/is an absent drug addict, so I have a good roadmap of "don't." But I saw very little in the way of "do."

Where is the line between being too authoritarian vs too permissive? What are your thoughts on gentle parenting? I don't want to trade "well-behaved" for "well-adjusted" or vice versa.

I'm also open to newborn advice since that's what I'll primarily be dealing with for the next little while, obviously.

I'm GenX. I've participated in numerous conversations about how we used to spend large amounts of time outside either alone or with groups of friends, using bikes, skates, skateboards and other ways to goof off and have a good time, but that doesn't happen as much in the US today.

@hobofarmer talked about the trouble his kids have finding friends to spend time with.

The Japanese tv series Old Enough highlights a real cultural difference. https://www.netflix.com/title/81506279

This news article is about parents using air tags to keep track of their kids. If the kids are airtagged, do they then get more freedom to roam? https://www.washingtonpost.com/technology/2023/07/26/tracking-kids-airtags/
archive https://archive.li/Zg353

Does anyone know of any good resources for helping kids understand when their dad is not their bio dad? My brother is not his eldests bio dad. Some bullying/ nastiness means my Bro and his Mrs are sitting the kid down today (on an expedited schedule) to tell him and explain hes not a mistake etc. Are there any good educational bits anyone might know of?

OK, so I have a very nerdy, mildly ADHD 9 year old boy who has been fascinated with WW2 for ages. All this started with him getting obsessed with the Titanic when he was about 4, which then led us to look at some old Nat Geo magazines about Robert Ballard's oceanographic expeditions which then led him to get fascinated with the German battleship Bismarck and Operation Rheinubung. The drama of big gun battleships got him in the feels and in the five years since then he has been deeply into naval stuff, particularly WW2 naval combat ever since. Musically this got him into Sabaton and their WW1/2 related metal songs. He actually sat down and watched the 1960s black and white Sink the Bismarck on YouTube, along with stuff like Midway (the version from a few years back). He thinks aircraft carriers are cool and ate up both Top Gun movies and is now getting into submarines (loved The Hunt for Red October) but wistfully repeatedly tries to reason me into agreeing that navies should have stuck with big gun battleships.

However, this has manifested as a deep fascination with Germany in general- he knows the basics about fascism, the Holocaust and Wehrmacht atrocities (but still can't quite get why it happened) but to a small boy I understand the OMG WUNDERWAFFEN attraction. Coincidentally his best friend is an ethnically German girl which further gets him a bit confused because he can't quite grok the difference between "my friend is German, I think German engineering is cool" and "but we still condemn fascism".
To be clear- he understands why racism and prejudice are wrong. As an ethnic minority in our country I suspect he'll come into contact with racial prejudice sooner rather than later so hopefully life experience will lead him away from the alt-right bits of history nerdery.

We're in Singapore, which means there's very little consciousness of the Holocaust in public education- our history syllabus (fairly enough) deals with the Pacific War and its effects on postwar decolonisation when it touches on WW2 whereas the European theatre is just vague background.

I don't know where I'm going with this, really- I like that my son is a history buff, and I don't want to cut him off from intellectual interests he's passionate about but on the other hand I'm wondering how I can let him enjoy this while contextualising it from a progressive perspective.

Through the years I have struggled with perfectionism, low self worth, and an overwhelming need to make everyone else happy at my own expense. Recently I've begun wondering if this is related more to my own personal upbringing (my mom and sister share a lot of these traits) or if it's a wider experience of being a woman in modern society.

Growing up in a world where women had successfully entered the job market, there was still an unspoken urging that I had to be better than my male peers to earn my place in the world. There still felt like there were expectations that women would follow all the rules, keep the peace, and maintain the home/workspace. Is this an off base interpretation of societal pressures, or do any of you find yourselves still struggling with some of these messages?

ETA: Also, what are some positive ways being raised as a woman has impacted you?

I would be interested in tips, thoughts, and experiences folks have had with raising sons. I work in healthcare (in finance) and am acutely aware that most of my colleagues are women, as were most of my teachers, and class mates in college. With this in mind, it seems that the feminine side of raising sons is well represented. I've been reading and soul searching about good practices for the father of a son but would welcome all perspectives. Another interesting aspect is that I've found many parenting books to be focused on mothers rather than fathers. The few I've found that are focused tend to be religious/ Christian. Nothing wrong with that but would like to hear the collected wisdom here. To be clear I am hoping to get specific thoughts and actions rather than a broad topic with concepts and ideals.

Something that has been bothering me for a long time is that the majority of voters in the US are parents. It seems paid parental leave is something that most people can empathize with needing, and that would benefit most people’s lives. So I have such a hard time understanding why it isn’t proposed more often or prioritized as a voting issue. When I was pregnant with my daughter, I was shocked to hear that my own mother had to decide between going back to her job 3 weeks post partum or losing her job. I can’t believe that things have not really improved (in terms of protections for all parents, not just by industry/state/company)

I read an interesting NPR article about how the AARP solidified the aging population into a powerful voting block that has skewed lawmakers to addressing their needs. Because this organization has clear priorities and influences many voters, lawmakers have incentive to pass laws the AARP supports. This article suggested that if parents could join together and create a similar political group, it would be the biggest and most powerful voting block.

So I’m interested in what your opinions are. Do you see parental leave as important? If so, why don’t we have a national leave policy? How do we get there?