Routine and structure are very valuable to me for performing my best and achieving my goals. With my first kid on the way, any tips for getting back on track when days go "off script?"
I was diagnosed with adult ADHD a few years ago. The first thing I focused on was structuring my schedule and environment to allow it to work to my advantage. This has helped immensely with improving myself and achieving my goals, I'd say even more so than medication has (then again, the meds helped me accomplish it in the first place).
However, it doesn't take much to push me off balance. Any unexpected events (frankly, even expected ones) can derail everything, and very quickly I feel this urge to go back to bed and start it all over again tomorrow. I'd liken it to maintaining momentum. Even things like doctor's appointments or mini vacations with my wife have me returning back to my life suddenly with no idea of how to manage it.
With my first kid on the way, I want to properly prepare myself. I've come to terms with the amount of focus and attention I'll have to give to him. In fact, it kind of sounds nice to recontextualize my life's purpose to just "keep this thing alive." However, I do have ambitions and lofty dreams that, if I'm being honest with myself, are THE reasons I get up in the morning.
I have no doubt I'll be able to recalibrate to this new life I'm about to enter and develop a new way of living that works for me, but I am curious if anyone has some tips or bits of wisdom to help make the transition quicker, easier, and smoother. To get through my day, I need to slowly pick up a head of steam and barrel through my tasks. How can I maintain this strategy with the frequent interruptions that are inherent to parenthood?
Thanks everyone. I'm very excited to have a mini-me.
Couple of things to unpack in your post.
I would start with that routine. Good news is, kids love routines. At least in my experience. Bad news is, they suck at sticking to it. They’ll need you to show them. The good thing is that they have no point of reference in the beginning. So everything you show them is normal to them. It’s you setting the standards.
What we did with our two children was to develop a routine for the evening. Dinner, play, bath, cuddle and read, sing, sleep. In that order. What was flexible was the time.
We could have dinner early or a bit later. Depending on what was happening that day. Sometimes we could play a little or a bit more, depending on the day. You get the idea. But it was always the same pattern.
That way we could on the one hand adjust organically to the needs in the moments while at the same time give our children and us a framework of what to expect and what to do. It was the routine, no questions asked.
I did then also develop the habit of planning in little pockets of time. I did for example pass the time on a commute editing images and that way creating a nice series of digital collages. That way I didn’t have to give up my lofty dream of being an artist, while at the same time not suffer under the situation that I wouldn’t get a couple of uninterrupted hours in one block to do unpaid work. That being said, it is important to get some time to take care of yourself, but it’s a matter of negotiation with your partner and checking in with everyone.
You have around twelve years until your child tells you to leave them alone. Enjoy them and make the most out of them, you won’t get them back. Your dreams are patient, your child not so much.
Another thing is developing a triage system that works for you. You won’t get everything done, so choose wisely. (Watching the wall for half an hour is a valid, fulfilling activity, trust me).
As your child grows, they’ll a) get more and more independent, so you will get more time for your own things. I first noticed this when they left the diapers. Suddenly some magic little windows of time opened up and at first I had to adjust and had no idea what to do with this extra time I had available and b) the activities you can do together become more and more grown up. E.g. I recently went to a maker space with my kids and we had a blast 3D printing some little figurines. I got to tinker with tech and spent time with them. Awesome.
The first years are a bit like surfing. You can steer to a certain degree where you’re going, but the wave has a momentum of its own. Some days you’ll screw up and some days you’ll ride and feel unbeatable. It’s important to be kind to yourself either way and learn to be forgiving. There’s another wave tomorrow.
Communication with your partner is key.
I'll second what this person said about routines. My wife and I had our first 5 months ago and it's been a wild ride -- one where routine increasingly needs to be implemented for both baby's development and our sanity.
In the first 3 months, baby's needs will come up at will. Whether that's feeding or sleeping, they'll give cues, you'll respond, and you'll rinse and repeat every day in what might be the most fatiguing experience of your life. In this period, you may need to integrate new things into your routine to support your partner (I'm assuming you're not the one who's feeding the baby).
I really found walks around the neighborhood/mall/grocery store to be great at this time. Baby will sleep on you - something that frees up your ears for podcasts, music or whatever other mental stimulation you need when not practicing tummy time and listening to squealing.
Another one that helped me in the early months was having baby sleep on me during the overnight shift. She wouldn't sleep without skin to skin contact and she needed two feeds throughout the night, so I'd just stay up from 10 - 5 with a baby on me, a computer in front of that and a mix of video games, personal projects, tv, caffeine and snacks.
Good luck. It's a test of personal will, a test of your relationship and a wonderful opportunity to grow the bounds of your own comfort and tolerance 😜
And then, boom, one of those naps on hour chest will have been the last one and you didn’t even realize that at the time.
It’s like they say. The nights are long but the years are short.
My wife and I were reminiscing yesterday about all the things she doesn't do anymore, the cute sounds she made and the toys that are no longer favourites.
She's only 5 months old and it's already moving so fast 😭
I'm not diagnosed with ADHD, but my son (12) has been for a few years, and I suspect that it was my contribution that may have tipped the scales for him - I see a lot of boxes checked for me as my spouse and I went through his diagnosis process.
Something that has helped me is the creation of relatively repeatable "bookends" for my day. Ihave a routine in the morning and before bed that are a bit flexible but contain the same sequence each time. Those bookends allow me to have a structured start and finish to each day. That helps keep me free to focus on the larger goals during the day, regardless of what may come up to try and derail things because I know structured time is coming.
I wish you luck in your parenting journey, stranger. Based on the fact that you're already trying to prepare for its arrival, I'd hazard a guess and say you'll do fine even when it feels a bit hectic (which it inevitably will).
Good to see another flexible routine person. I just posted a rambling post below/above discussing this.
I have ADHD as well but I can't say my life has ever been on track, so I can't offer any advice on that front.....
Generic advice: be patient with yourself and kiddo - if you don't feel like you're making progress towards being back on track or you're getting distracted by kiddo, remember that that's how it's supposed to work.
Communicate with your spouse: if you want to focus for 1 hour without distraction, let them know well in advance , and be prepared that "best laid plans" etc. Be sure to roll with distractions with good grace and humour, and to insist upon your spouse taking equal if not more time to themselves in fairness.
That you get anything done is nowhere near as important as that you all went somewhere together. Budget for maybe 3 or 4 years of chaos : it'll likely have many moments of regular calm but i like to plan for worst case scenarios first.
Invite your kid to join your routine: if you're continuing your run, take the baby but prepare for abrupt return home; if you're reading, read your adult book to the baby; if you're continuing to have deep focus work, time it between naps. Try to invite them to your bed time, morning rituals, and family traditions....eventually your older child will join and benefit from your routine.
Kids are very much chaos, and my advice is to prioritize just enjoying the early days to start.