My fiancee and I are considering adopting a dog, most likely in the age range of 6 months to 2 years. I've read before that pet insurance is only worth it if you get the dog as a puppy, but I'm wondering what real people think, particularly for a dog that's 2-3 years old. Does anyone else have a pet insurance policy? Who is it with? How's it working out for you? Would you do it again?

I'm kind of a minimalist. I really don't keep much but for some reason I've been lugging my diplomas along with me for decades. I have my high school diploma, my college diploma, and my master's diploma. I really don't care about any of them, to be honest. And the worst is my master's, because it's stupidly large. If they were all small and uniform, I'd just slide them into some folder and forget about them. I'm not someone who will hang them up. In a way, they feel like emotional baggage. So I don't think I'm ready to just shred them and move on. But at the same time I find them generally worthless. What do you do with your diplomas and what should I do with mine?

The world outside my doorstep is unorganized chaos and I am blind to most of its existence.

Say I'm looking for a job. And I know what job I want to do. I can search for it on a job listing site, but there will still be many such jobs that won't be cataloged on the site and that I'll hence be missing. How can I find the rest? What are some alternative approaches?

Also there are two ways you can end up with a job: either you find it (going on a job search), or it finds you (headhunters etc.). Obviously the latter possibility is much better as it's less tiring and it means you end up with an over-abundance of opportunities (if people message you every week). What are some rules of thumb for life to make it so that the opportunities come to you? (and not only for jobs)

Often I don't even know what opportunities are on offer out in that misty unknown (and my ADHD brain finds it straining to research them (searching 1 job site feels almost futile because you don't know how many of the actual opportunities you aren't seeing)), so the strategy I resort to is imagining what I concievably expect to be out there and then trying to find it. This has several weaknesses: firstly I could be imagining something that doesn't actually exist and waste hours beating myself up because I can't find it. Or, almost even worse, my limited imagination might be limiting what sorts of opportunities I look for which means I miss out of the truly crazy things out there.

Here's an example of an alternative approach that worked for me once:

Last month I wanted to visit a university in another city for a few days to see if I liked it, and I needed a place to stay. I first tried the obvious approach of searching AirBnB for rents I could afford, but none came up. Hence I had to search through the unmapped. What ended up working was: I messaged the students union -> they added me to their whatsapp group -> sb from my country replied to my post on there adding me to a different WA group for students from my country -> sb in that WA group then DM'd saying I could crash on their couch.

I would have never thought of trying an approach like this when I set out, and yet I must have done something right because it worked. What? The idea to message the students union and join whatsapp groups took quite a lot of straining the creative part of my brain, so I'm wondering whether the approach I took here can somehow be generalized so that I can use it in the future.

TL;DR: Search engines don't map the world comprehensively. You might not even be searching for the right thing. What are some other good ways to search among the unstructured unknown that is out there?

Kitchen was in a house of hoarders and has had various roach infestations over the decades. It is something where I cannot mentally use the kitchen with all of the memories of opening a dish drawer/cabinet and having roaches run out, and so part of this deep cleaning (and making this thread) is to quell that mental aspect by literally scrubbing it from top to bottom.

I guess I'm mostly looking for this thread on what product would you use to clean? Obviously the most specific stuff will have their own products (eg the oven) - but it terms of just scrubbing down every inside/outside of every cabinet and shelf and what not, what would you use to say "okay I have peace of mind that this has been cleaned and is safe to use"

But also still looking for general advice, as I've never fully deep cleaned a kitchen. Eg Something I didn't think about but came across was deep cleaning a dishwasher (and I've seen them crawl out of the drain there, so even washing dishes haven't been safe). But I mean macro level it's basically "clean the room and clean the appliances" I imagine lol

...which, and I'm guessing more a plumbing issue than a cleaning one, there is a smell that permeates from drains. It's especially bad in the kitchen sink which does have a garbage disposal (and so I imagine it's mostly take that part and clean it out), but I figured I'd still throw that out there now too for any tips on helping with that

(I've already applied Bifenthrin as an insecticide, and haven't seen anything in the past couple months. I've also completely emptied out the entire kitchen, so I can literally scrub from top to bottom.)

I'm quite a few years out of highschool, and recently went back to school.

I'm enjoying the environment (weekends and sometimes online), which was one of my biggest worries, because I tried doing more school right after high-school and it did my head in.

However, I'm struggling with actually learning the more dry stuff. For a few of the courses there's stuff to calculate, there's problems to solve and such, and I can get that to stick and not dread doing it.

That is not the case with the very dry legal things... how do I learn stuff like that? Any tips? Because right now I'm looking at basically trying to brute-force it by hoping to be lucky and re-re-re-reading the entire book hoping the right stuff sticks for the exam.

I have a bit of a curveball for the kind folks of tildes. I have a fairly successful, flourishing and comfortable business of manufacturing-export in India which I handle with my dad.

I handle communication with customers, some documentation work like invoicing, the wages for the workers (we employ a 150 people). I also handle the manufacturing schedule, the quality team and the product development along with planning for material.

It is a fairly technical line of business ;processes range from press stamping, welding, milling, drilling, turning, hot forging, polishing, chrome plating, zinc plating, powdercoating etc.

Alot of my work is just looking over what my team does and just guiding them, motivating them and making sure they are taken care of.

I have worked hard to reduce the Labour turnover and uplift my workforce financially. It's a big family, albeit with hiccups from time to time.

But I have learned from mistakes and kept on improving.

Now on to the advice bit. I got married and my partner moved from the UK to be with me. We discussed all the challenges and thought we could make it work.

But it has been extremely difficult for her to move here. Quitting her job, leaving her family and not being able to settle here is affecting her mentally.

Seeing the state of the country she doesn't want to raise our kids here. Which I wouldn't mind either, but it will be extremely difficult for me to start afresh in another country.

The business is very hands on, and I'm not sure I can handle it remotely even if I find someone to handle the supervisors. Training someone alone for that role will take a lot of time, trial and error.

To find someone who will care for the work and put in the effort will want a good amount of money, and finding someone you can trust in itself is a challenge for a small business.

30% of my revenue goes into salaries, rent and electricity. About 40 to 50%% into material and maintenance, not to mention unanticipated expenses like bribes. So there isn't a lot of margin to experiment with big hirings anyways.

A big reason for our profitability is because we're quite lean.

Winding up the business would also be difficult. It would take a few years to do, it would be difficult emotionally for my parents and me. I know the amount of work my dad put into it.

They will want my happiness so it's not impossible to do. They could live their retirement years on rental income and me taking care of them.

The final challenge would be finding a job in UK or Europe (wherever we move). I'm not sure how employable I will be in a corporate environment. I don't have any other work experience other than an internship in Toyota in supply chain during my mba days (I have an economics background with an mba in marketing)

I know ultimately only I myself can figure this out. But I just needed a sounding board and just share as much as I could.

If anyone read this far ahead, thanks for taking out the time, really appreciate it.

I tend to buy 1 pair of shoes that are my "go to" shoes. Thus i like them to cover a variety of roles while fitting a few requirements. These are worn basically every day barring literal special occasions. I'll wear them to work, disc golf, a walk, a light hike, anything less than the fanciest of dinners or occasions, and can get away with them if I have to even for those. Oh and while I find it matters less these days, i'm an 11-12 foot size which tends to limit my options in physical sores.

I like slip ons at this point, both as an aesthetic and from a practicality standpoint, and due to my "do it all" requirement generally want something that is comfy, looks half decent, is in black, but also has decent grip on the bottom.

I've currently burnt through my keen slip on's. I got these almost exactly a year ago in black, and they've been "good enough" for $60-75.

That said I'm not in love with them, and I'd also like a dress shoeish equivalent like these rockports . However i've heard they're garbage, especially for the price.

I'm throwing this on here because I'm not against spending more for better quality shoes, but I've spent 2 or 3 times as much as the keens, and gotten very similar results. Hell i'd LOVE if I could just take them to a cobbler to get them fixed every X years, but seems that's really only a thing for heavy duty work boots at this point (which led me down a rabbit hole of looking for a specific kind of redwings, but those also were no longer being made)

Merrell went from quite good many years ago to just garbage that didn't even make it 6 months, and on the other side of the coin I found some Lowa "snow shoes" that fit my requirements and lasted I think 2-3 years, but were no longer being sold by the time I needed new ones.

Does anyone have some suggestions, or am I just better off getting the cheapest thing that I like the look of because they're mostly all going to be burnt through? Even then, any suggestions on half decent brands?

We're excited to be closing on our first house in several week! It's a newer build but doesn't have ethernet run so in the nearish term future I'd like to run cat5 cat6 to some key locations:

• main level for TV and a mesh wifi node
• second floor offices (PCs) and entertainment area for consoles/second TV

Any really good guides that others have followed? So far the guides I've found focus on switches and crimping cables rather than how to get a cable from Point A to Point B effectively without knocking more hole that necessary in the wall.

Edit: meant cat6, thanks for the note.

I've given a lot of thought to what my tattoo(s) would say. Since they're stuck on me for life, they need to be meaningful.

For sure, I know I want a tattoo that says "timshel" which comes from East of Eden by John Steinbeck. There's a whole beautiful verse in the book about the meaning of timshel, which the author explains translates to "thou mayest" -- or, we can choose our destiny. Caveats: I'm not religious, and I understand that Steinbeck didn't get the translation quite right. But I don't care about that -- it's the verse itself and the meaning behind it that is so powerful to me. I want the "Steinbeck timshel," not the actual Biblical translation.

If there will be a second tattoo in the future, I'm leaning toward "this too shall pass" but I'm not quite as certain on that one.

Since I'm a tattoo virgin, I have all sorts of questions:

• Where's the best place to get a "timshel" tattoo?
• So what do I do, just mock something up in Adobe Illustrator or tell the artist "here's what I want in this font"? Or do they have a bunch of presets?
• How do I find a good tattoo artist?
• At this stage in life, should I rethink this scheme altogether?

EDIT: I want this/these tattoos to serve as reminders for myself, not to show off to other people. Not that I care if other people see them... Not sure if that helps with placement.

A huge thank you to everyone who responded to my hair thinning post.

Here’s where I landed:

Minoxidil is toxic to dogs and I’ve got a little fur buddy, and finasteride prevents me from donating blood and platelets, and that’s a new thing for me that I don’t want to give up. So, bald it is! I plan on shaving my head this coming summer.

In the eventual absence of hair on my head though, I’d like to grow more on my face and keep it longer — something that’ll require actual grooming and upkeep. I’ve had a beard for a long time now, but I keep it quite short.

So, what are all of my do’s and don’ts/tips and tricks for growing (and maintaining) a glorious beard?

Also, I want this to be beneficial to ANYONE looking for beard info, so feel free to give short beard tips too.

The company I work for just announced they want to open a new office abroad, in Australia to be specific. We’re based in Denmark, and they’re hoping to have one person from here moving there, working full time.
We already have an office in the US, so it’s not an entirely new thing for us to open an office abroad.
However, I’m really thinking about letting the company know that I would like to go, and I think there is a pretty good chance that they would let me. My wife is open to the idea too. We have one child (she would be just over 3 when we would have to move), so it’s really good timing too…

Have any of you tried something like this? What was your experience like?

I posted recently about needing a better job—well, if one has an interview for a better job (a much better job, hopefully), one needs to look the part. In the greater ATL area, two questions:

• I've gotten a variety of haircuts, from barbershops to salon-type places to Great Clips to at home with a Wahl, but they've topped out around 20 bucks. How do I find a really good haircut/face clean-up (brows etc) place? I don't want to just waltz in somewhere & end up looking ridiculous, but I don't even know where to start. It doesn't help that I have a kind of "weird" type of hair, where it's curly and kind of wiry, ethnically mediterranean/middle eastern, so if I get a regular clippers haircut it usually ends up looking chopped off.

• I also need a good suit, in toto; I have dress clothes but def. don't want to blow this one. National finance, I'm seeing business casual so suit/tie/shirt/shoes, nice enough to be unnoticeable is my goal. I have no idea how much a suit at that point would cost, but other than going to Brooks Brothers or Joseph A Banks I have no idea what the best approach would be (are those even in the same range lol)

Thanks again you all

Edit: i am a dude, sry

My sister is marrying a Canadian this year and wants to move to Canada very soon for lots of reasons. Usually, US citizens don't need a visa or even an eTA to enter and stay in Canada. The visa-free period is 6 months, but my sister is in a situation where she might need to be able to stay longer until she can get proper residence through a spousal visa, since the processing time for those currently sits at 10 months. Moving back temporarily is not an option, neither is waiting to move. As I understand it, you can apply to extend visitor visas, but that might not be the case for visa-free stays? We genuinely don't know where to get started looking.

Has anyone here done this, or been in a similar situation? Anyone who's immigrated through marriage and have had to figure out their stay like this, especially where it's not quite gone according to plan? Any and all suggestions and stories are welcome, we're all just 20-somethings navigating tremendous life changes without guard rails.

So I've hit on this a bit before here, but it's been a while—I stopped looking for jobs last summer & spent the rest of 2024 getting some things sorted in my own head about what I actually wanted to be doing, what I valued, and why I wanted to change anything in the first place. I love my job, not just because it's remote but honestly mostly because it's remote, but it does not pay enough & may not for a long time, so I have sort of collected together online weekend/evening/contractor part-time gigs on top, which altogether come out to around 90k. After all my soul-searching (& getting on the millenial ADHD meds train, whew), I'd reeeeally love to focus all of that into one job instead, as the downfall of the gig economy approach is not just the time investment required, it's that there's no opportunity for advancement—if I could keep one or two side hustles going, great, but that way I'd be free to let them go as needed as well, which would be a huge relief.

So that's the source for my very specific number; I would of course take more money lol.

I have experience in: adult training/instruction, CRM management, writing/editing, process analysis/efficiency/optimization, video/content creation (doesn't really fit with the rest but my resume is kind of nuts unfortunately)

I am really good at: soft skills/written & verbal communication, IT support, learning new things real quick but also very thoroughly & being able to teach them to others, making things work better/faster

I have degrees in: library science/research, education (no comp sci : / feel like that was my big mistake career path-wise, I've tried some online options more recently & am currently making headway with claude as a coding partner lol).

The real sticking point is I am currently remote & would have to make way more than 90k to be willing to go back to an office every day. My current job was an out-of-left-field career move that I wouldn't have even guessed existed, so I am open to literally any suggestions.

I've tried before to get input on this, but online it doesn't go anywhere and IRL people don't seem to understand. Thought about putting it in the /~finance area, but I don't know that it's really a finance issue, plus things there seem to be wider-scale financial in focus. And there's no /~advice page, so here it is:

I feel like I should be making more money lol. Now immediately, that sounds greedy or either capitalistic/anticapitalistic, depending—I know it does, but hear me out. I have a great job that pays ok but not great, and tons of free time; in my mind, and if I'm being honest in my field, chasing a 5% raise is low ROI and low likelihood of even happening. There is little room for vertical movement, but enough security that it seems crazy to make any changes. Post-college, I have had a pretty varied career background, I am very good at editing, research, training, tech, etc. but I am not an "idea person" and I don't have a lot of marketability or self-promotion ability, it seems like (also no coding abilities, which is always a suggestion; I've tried, believe me, but my brain won't do it). I'd rather edit your book than write one of my own, not because I'm afraid of rejection or can't commit to doing something/run out of steam, but because the steam just isn't there.

I don't feel the need to change careers, but I am also feeling super unfulfilled. I've worked on doing things to try and fill that gap, hobbies/other pursuits/etc, but I am haunted by the fact that I am using such a small part of my bandwidth, when it seems like I could be outputting at 2x or 3x and earning similarly. I've applied for contract work, freelance, all that stuff, but it is spotty pay at best—what I want, short of a medieval patron/wealthy benefactor, is a second job I could do on top of this one. Which leads me to side-hustle-type rabbit holes on starting an Etsy shop/a YouTube channel/a Patreon page. But when it comes down to it, I don't actually feel any passion about doing any of those things, and I can't get a narrow enough niche figured out to even come up with a potential audience. I've avoided specializing because I wanted to do all kinds of things, and now I've done that, and I feel like maybe it was a mistake. I just want to have the resources available to do what I want. Bills are paid, life is good, but I feel like I am spinning my wheels: even writing this out is like a roller coaster of feeling shame that I'm not satisfied or that I'm ungrateful, then being frustrated I can't make it happen the way I want, on my own.

Because see, I didn't say I deserve more money; I want the opportunity to earn more money. There are a ton of things I would be perfectly happy doing for a living, or for a second job. And more money might not even help—if I was a trust fund baby I be in a similar situation. But what the fuck should I be doing then? I guess what I really want is for someone to say "Hey, I need this job done, I'll give you $XXk a year to do it" like it's 1980, and then I know I am serving a purpose? And I wouldn't feel guilty about time left over, because the job is Done. But part of me is afraid that, even if that somehow magically materialized, I would feel the exact same way I do now.

so what do tilderinos?

I have a simple gravity fed cat food dispenser that is great but it needs a little help. No matter what gravity feed dispenser I use it never keeps up. My cat has food out 24/7 and he regulates his food on his own.

I 3d printed a new dispenser in hopes it would solve the food falling out constantly all day, but it's not working as I expected.

So what I'm hoping to do is make a simple vibrating device that will help the food fall out constantly all day long. Maybe a raspberry pi that has a cell phone vibration fob thing that will run a routine? I don't know. I'm having a really hard time finding examples of this. Does anyone have something to reference?

Also open to ideas on non-mechanical feeders that work well, or very simple battery operated options.

Thanks!

I visited my in-laws over the holiday break. They have 2 border collies (and really shouldn't but that's a whole nother other...). Both border collies absolutely lose it barking and aggressively posturing when anyone but MIL/FIL enter a room they are in, UNLESS MIL/FIL are not home. Then they can't be bothered to even sit up from where they are napping.

I find this behavior really confusing. It appears the dogs are ?protecting? my in-laws, and that in-laws have somehow unwittingly trained them to do so?

After they're done barking they're affectionate and playful. I'd love to find a way to encourage the dogs to skip straight to the petting/play time.

Thoughts? Advice?

thanks in advance Tildes!

Hello Tildutes!

I have an elderly relative (91) who spends a lot of time alone in her house. I was thinking it would be nice to do an offbeat bonding activity in town somewhere to relax her.

I’m looking for suggestions on things she might enjoy, ideally something interactive but low-stakes.

Requirements/notes:

• Something one can do in a place like Newark, Wilmington, or maybe Philadelphia.
• She can walk and stand (her cane helps), but not too fast or for too long. She would need to sit.
• She can see alright with her glasses and can hear you with hearing aids, but not from a distance.
• She is astute and can follow conversations just fine, thought it can take a moment for her to put together her thoughts.
• I’d like to get her out of the house—managing her own living space is stressful and she is more relaxed when she does not feel obliged to be hostly.
• I would like this to be calming or relaxing or refreshing for her. She has some obsessive/compulsive habits and I kind of want her to zen out more. Or just have fun—she’s often worrying.

Some ideas I had (input/feedback/additional suggestions welcome):

• Some sort of guided meditative or zen garden-type relaxation thing, but suitable for a kinda tired senior with OCD. I don’t know what to look for exactly. Maybe even something a little New Age. She is nominally Quaker and I would say a good-natured and open-minded person.
• She mentioned once that her dream job was to be an artist. I was thinking about an abstract painting session at a studio where they provide all the materials. Some way for her to let out her inner Jackson Pollock?
• I thought about a spa day. Do they have specialists who work with seniors? She has some aches and pains but is obviously fragile and extremely unused to being “treated.” She might have to overcome some… guilt (?) for being attended to.
• Some sort of guided cultural experience—but maybe more engaging than walking around a museum? She is well-traveled and remains interested in world cultures. She used to be a teacher of English and French, spent a considerable amount of time volunteering in Mexico (before it was developed), and seems to often appreciate learning about cultural things on Wikipedia or in magazines.
• She seems to be quite pleased with animals, at least cats and dogs. I considered going to a cat cafe but, having been in those before, I know the animals are not always accessible. Are puppy cafes a thing? Indoor petting zoos?

In contrast it would be unsuitable for us to play any sort of competitive game, or to do something requiring a lot of physical strength or dexterity, or anything that would be emotionally overwhelming.

If you have experiences of activities or programs that might be fulfilling to my relative, I would love to hear them!

My goal is mostly just for her to have a nice time for that day. If I can get her to be more relaxed generally, that’s great too.

Thank you!

Yeah, seriously.

As someone approaching middle age but in denial, I am bothered by nose and ear hairs. I bought a trimmer but I swear all of them I have seen are garbage, or are at least very cheap. Is there a trimmer that isn’t bad? How do you take care of your nose hair?

Yes, I am aware that women also get hair there, but i haven’t heard anything from any women about it ever.

Did you or someone you know go to [edit public private, parent paid] school, esp if the students' parents can't easily afford it? Did their parents actually move to be closer to a prestigious school? Is it worth it for folks who aren't old boys/old girls and in general are neither new nor old money? Does it ever make sense to use the college fund to pay for secondary education?

I live in the southeast, and I'm finally in a situation where nothing is really keeping me here, so in the next month or so I'm intending to begin selling everything I can't fit in my car, and move out west.

Unfortunately, I don't have a job lined up or anything like that, which obviously makes things more difficult. I figure something like offering to put a year of rent into an escrow account can probably cover that?

On top of that though, how are you supposed to get a feel for everything? Like, there are virtual tours and things like that, but it's not exactly the same.

I guess I'm just looking for general advice and tips at this stage. I feel like I don't even really know what I should be asking, but I'm definitely intent on ending up on the west coast.

I don't know what I intend for this post to be - I guess I just need to get my thoughts out somewhere. If anyone has any advice, I'd appreciate it - but I'm not expecting anyone to read all the way through this or anything really. If this isn't appropriate for Tildes, feel free to remove it.

I recently graduated college and moved to San Jose, CA for work. And let me tell you, I am not liking it here at all so far. Work itself is great - it's interesting stuff, I like what I'm doing, and I feel like there's really nowhere else I could be doing it. But dear lord, has my social life evaporated. This does not feel like somewhere that someone in their young 20s should be living. I live in downtown, and it's mostly apartments, tech companies, and a spattering of bars and restaurants frequented by tech bros in their 30s. Which is fine, but not at all the social scene I am looking for.

I work with a handful of people my age, and while we do things outside of work every so often, they're really not the same kind of folks I got used to hanging out with in college. They're all super career/status-oriented people, which is not me at all. I've definitely selected for meeting these kinds of folks by working at a tech company, but that's really not the kind of people I usually vibe with. In college, I made a lot of really close friends who were mostly "weirdos", without any better way to put it - lots of queer leftist folks, people into strange art and music, people I could really be myself around. Maybe I have high standards for what I look for in friends, but I really do not see myself becoming close with any of the people my age that I've met around here so far. I have nothing against these folks - we just share different ideals. But I feel like I am constantly censoring myself and am unable to really just be me here.

Of course, to find the kinds of people that I want to hang out with, I probably chose the wrong career path and wrong place to live. I was wary of moving to San Jose since the sentiment I'm sharing here is widely echoed online. And it feels bad proving my fears correct. I looked into moving to San Francisco, Berkeley, or Oakland, but decided against it because I was afraid the commute would burn me out. But now, I am regretting that decision hardcore. I have never felt lonelier in my entire life. I would much rather spend three hours commuting every day than spend my weekends alone.

I started adulthood during the pandemic, and I moved out of state to go to college. For the first two years of school, I had a really hard time meeting people and making friends since my university was really strict on COVID restrictions, and we didn't have in person classes until halfway through my second year. That part of my life was really lonely, too - so this isn't new to me. But somehow, being surrounded by people who are nothing like me feels way lonelier than being around nobody at all. And what hurts even more is seeing all of my friends back in college / high school thriving, and feeling like I'm drowning. I feel like I sold my friends and happiness for a job and money, and it feels terrible. Nobody I knew from college or high school lives here - I had zero connections moving up here.

And this isn't for a lack of effort - I've been trying to figure out where to meet people. I've looked at meetup, and all the events around here seem to be networking, business, and tech related. I've gone on Bumble BFF, and everyone on there just wants to "network" or aren't my vibe. I've been going to bars, coffee shops, etc by myself to try and meet people, but haven't been successful. I've signed up to volunteer at a local animal shelter, which I figure might be a good way to meet people, but they don't have any open shifts yet. I've looked for live music events near me, but there isn't really a lot in the scenes I'm into. I don't know what else to do.

Everything in this place seems to revolve around careers, money, status, networking, and tech. It feels terrible, it's like a physical microcosm of LinkedIn. I know I'm going to be moving to San Francisco as soon as my lease is up in August. I feel like I'll have a way better chance of meeting people who are like me and are my age up there. But in the meantime, I need to make the most of where I am. I'm sure there's people like me somewhere around here, but the issue is meeting them. Where do I find them? How the hell do adults make friends, and close ones at that? I am surrounded by a lot of lonely adults - lots of folks at work who never married, don't do anything fun, and live for work. Do I need to get out of here before this place eats me alive? I don't want to end up like that.

I know this will pass, or at least I hope it does. I know my life isn't over. I just feel like I'm squandering my precious 20s, if there is such a thing. At least I have a roof over my head and a dream job. I guess the grass is always greener, but I feel like I'd rather be struggling to pay rent and be surrounded by close friends than have a full wallet and an empty living room like I do now. The pandemic was a really terrible period of my life, and I won't go into detail about everything going on in my brain, but I feel like I'm standing on the precipice of that kind of depression again.

Anyway, this post isn't really coherent or organized. It's more of a rant than anything. I just needed to get my thoughts on to paper (screen?), and posting here seemed better than screaming into the void. If you read this, thank you :)

EDIT: Wow, I didn't expect so many replies, recommendations, and support on this post. I fully expected to get no replies. Thank you everyone, really. I suppose part of my situation is I need to stop being so negative - while I am genuinely unhappy here, this isn't forever and I can't do anything besides keep trying. If nothing else, I can always move in August (or before then, if I can figure out a way to break my lease without emptying my bank account). Until I move or find connections, I'll get good at enjoying my own company. And I'm also eternally grateful to have made amazing friends in college and High School that I can still talk to, even if they're hundreds of miles away.

Apologies if this comes off as rambly or even entitled. Also for the title, didn't quite know what to put there.

So firstly some context. I live in an Asian country where it's normal AND expected to live with your family past 20. Housing is expensive, and you're really only expected to move out once you're married. Also, I'm 21M.

I really enjoy expressing myself with things more traditionally associated with femininity, like makeup, nail polish and fem clothing sometimes (side note, definitely don't think I'm trans).

But as they say, god gives the gayest children to the most homophobic parents. My parents have told me multiple times that if I was gay I'd be kicked out of the house. My dad for some reason follows American politics (and by that I mean right wing grifters) despite having no link whatsoever to America. In fact, I think he'd be hatecrime'd if he went there. So yea I'm inclined to believe their homophobia.

One incident in particular which made me genuinely angry was when I bought something pink and I was sat down and talked to like I commited some crime.

Anyway, that's all just to say how do I keep up this balancing act? I do my nail polish then sneak out the door. Before I come back, I remove it somewhere quiet. I feel like a fugitive, and it's so damn exhausting. I want to express myself. But it's not the end of the world if I don't (I feel somewhat entitled that I'm even asking this when LGBTQ+ people in some places of the world are in actual danger).

If I tell my parents, I don't think they would accept me. And worse, I might get kicked out - they'd probably think I'm gay.

Being kicked out would be terrible. Renting is still prohibitively expensive for me, I'd have to get a full time job and effectively stop my studies. I don't think I'd be able to survive in this country like that, where it's expected for you to have a degree.

Eventually I'd like to move to another country where I'd be more accepted, but that's years down the line and I don't even know where to start with that. Do I just keep my head down and just be satisfied with the status quo?

Thanks for reading, any input would be appreciated.

Enshittificiation, or in my own words, "how everything starts to suck on purpose", has somewhat come to rule my life, and thus, ruin my life.

An example I'm thinking about right now is socks. I bought a certain pair of socks probably ten years ago now. I liked them and took for granted that I would be able to purchase this sock or type of sock at any given time. Fast-forward ten years, and the sock is gone. And it feels like no other sock compares.

What's really going on in my mind is, "I know there is better out there, and this is just a choice of the manufacturer to be greedy". Except in this circumstance, the "there" is my fantasy land of the past.

So I ask you all, how do you move on from this? Because what happens for me is I just don't buy new socks, and instead hold on to my tatters (most of them still work decently, but nowhere near as well as they used to). I have tried randomly buying socks to get over my fear of failure (choosing the wrong socks and wasting money and contributing to global waste and contributing to materialism and general clutter in my house, etc.); But this just furthers the issue because I confirm that the other socks are shit and this seems like a fruitless endeavor, as such, in addition to going against my morals and values I listed above.

Thank you for any advice or help!

*EDIT
Thank you all for a rousing discussion, as usual.

Here are some of my Major Takeaways:

I watched the video "Dirt-Cheap Solar Generator Setup - What Can It Power?" by Alex Beale yesterday. In the video, the presenter purchases a cheap solar panel and power bank for a total of $250 and tests household devices to see what kind of wattage it can take.

Turns out the cheap device can power most household objects. I'm curious if it's possible to try a similar setup to meaningfully cover my electricity usage on a day-to-day basis. Unlike the creator of this video, I don't have a yard. I'm exploring whether a solar solution could work with my constraints.

I wanted to share this idea with Tildes and hear any ideas/feedback/experiences from people who have tried something similar.

My goal

• Investigate whether it's feasible to save money with this setup
• If so, find a setup that I can use to power some or all of my household devices off-grid
• Pay less in electricity costs
• Be able to rely on my power bank when the building's power goes out

My current situation

• I live in an apartment in an urban area in the US northeast (southeastern Pennsylvania).
• I do NOT have a balcony (sadly).
• I have two south-facing windows and four west-facing windows (two of which get a LOT of light, two of which get a decent amount but not as much). However, my south-facing windows don't get direct sunlight most of the day since there is a building in the way (just a bit in the late afternoon).
• The dimensions of the windowsills are about 16 inches in depth and about 55 inches in width. That's enough for a small or medium-sized solar panel, but not most panels designed for outdoor use.
• I can open the windows all the way and it would be physically possible, in theory, to hang something outside rather than keeping it on the windowsill (we'll get into this...)
• I pay for all my electricity. The heat/air is central and inaccessible, as are a couple of the overhead lights (there are only a couple), but everything else could theoretically be replaced with energy from a power bank, I think.
• I already have a power purchase agreement with a renewable energy supplier. All my energy is "green" in the sense that I'm making it slightly more economically feasible to produce green energy.
• In a less expensive month, the bill might come to around $75. In an expensive month, it might come to around $350. If I heated the unit as much as I would like, it would be higher.
  • I'm pretty sure most of my electricity use is the heat/AC.
  • I'm pretty sure most of the remainder is the washer and dryer dishwasher, followed by the washer and dryer.
  • I spend some amount heating my water otherwise (shower, sinks), but I can't address that with a solar panel.
  • I wouldn't mind saving money on the rest if that's all that's feasible.

My power needs (I think)

• I don't know much power my oven uses. It's electric, which the internet says averages around 2500 W.
• My dishwasher runs at 120 V and 18.7 A. That is... uh... 2244 W. Also a lot.
• My dryer says 120 V on the machine, and if I look up the model number, it seems to be at 15 amps. So that's 1800 watts.
• My washing machine, uses....... IDK how many watts. No information on this thing exists. But it uses a 120 V outlet. The internet says an average washing machine could use up to 1400 W (sounds high, but okay).
• My computer has a 520 W power supply, but I doubt it ever uses that much. It's old and mostly runs Solitaire. Maybe one day I will get a fancy new machine that does like 1000 W.
• My fridge uses 115 V at 4.5 A. Let's pretend that's 120 V and say 540 W.
• I can't tell how many watts my TV uses, but the internet says it could be up to 200 W.

I would want a bit of breathing room with the rated wattage so that the power bank doesn't explode.

No way I can run all these devices simultaneously off the power bank, but perhaps I could time them. Even partial coverage could be adequate if it makes financial sense.

Possible spatial configurations

I see a few possibilities here:

1. Stick a bunch of solar panels in the windowsills, propped up at a suitable angle.
2. Stick the panel directly in the window like an air conditioner. In this case I would want to use a two-sided panel, since there would be some ambient light coming from the inside. This would inevitably reduce my home's energy efficiency, which I would have to account for.
3. Weld some sort of counterweight to a mounting system that I can use outside the window to perch the panel at an ideal angle. This would also reduce my home's energy efficiency, but maybe by less since the gap could be minimized. It is also probably illegal. And dangerous.
4. Just fill my living room with solar panels. I will need to have a conversation about that. But it could be done.

I think #1 is the only one that is actually reasonable. #2 would cost me too much in heating bills to make any sense. I think #3 would get me evicted or sued by the city. And #4 is unreasonable considering that I like to use my house to live in.

My budget

I would maybe spend $500-1000 on this if the payback period was a few years. Not more than 5 because panels by then will be a lot more efficient.

I guess I could spend more than that if it makes sense. I have good credit and a high credit limit. I don't make that much money but I could save for a bit or carry a balance for a bit. I think I would draw a hard line around $3000.

The power doesn't go out here too often, so that isn't the main selling point, more of a nice-to-have.

My research

I'm just looking on Amazon. I know I could maybe get something a little cheaper elsewhere. I'm searching for "power bank with solar panel".

• 4000+ W range: OUPES Mega 5 for $3300+ with panels (I think?). That's a lot of money for something that might not even work. And I don't believe it would be $3300, most other models I'm seeing are closer to $5000.
• 2200 W range: Jackery Explorer 2000 for $2500 with the 2 panels. Maybe this could cover my energy-intensive appliances, one at a time. Still expensive. The solar panels will... maybe fit in the window with about 1/2 inch to spare? I could angle them slightly if needed?
• 1800 W range: (maybe) Anker SOLIX C1000 for $800 with 1 panel. It also says 2400 W so idk what it is really. Can't determine the width of the solar panel.
• 1000 W range: EF ECOFlow River 2 for $700 with 1 panel. I am also not sure how big the panel is.
• 600 W range: SinKeu Portable Power Station for $230 with 1 panel.
• 300 W range: Marbero Solar Generator for $230 with 1 panel.

I'm discovering that these companies never specify the dimensions of the solar panels because they assume no one would ever use them indoors. Probably for good reason. If they don't fit horizontally, I guess I could stand them up lengthwise.

I'm sure it would be possible to find a cheaper solar panel separate from the power bank. But as a ballpark, those are my initial numbers.

Math

Imagine I spend $2500 on the 2200 W Jackery model, with 2 panels. I could put them in the two bright west-facing windows. Let's just pretend they can get their maximum output and that charging time isn't an issue.

Let's say I use this every time I run my oven, dryer, washer, or dishwasher (not at the same time), and otherwise I connect it to my fridge and most other electronics. (I know I said my oven could be 2500 W, but I usually just use one burner, and I bet that's more like 1500 W.) Let's pretend the hassle of running all those cables has been solved somehow.

I really don't know exactly what my electricity breakdown is. If I have the heat/AC mostly off and am not in the unit a whole lot (e.g. traveling for some of the month), that's when I end up with a $75/mo bill. But if I'm out of the unit, that means I'm also not using my dryer/washer and other devices as much. I guess the fridge was still on. The $350 side of things is because it's hot and I'm running the AC more, and maybe slightly higher dryer usage for some laundry-related reason. So maybe I'll say the minimum I'm spending on non-heat/AC electricity per month is $50-100, and at most maybe something like $150.

So in this super optimistic scenario, the portion of my monthly electricity bill I suspect I'd be able to theoretically save would be $50-150. Let's just say $100. That means it would take 25 months to pay back if all goes well. Honestly that's not so bad.

If I instead bought the 1000 W ECOFlow setup for $700, I could cover all my non-intensive electrical uses. The main beneficiary would be the refrigerator, the computer, and maybe the television. I think the savings there would be like $25-50/mo at most, being pretty generous. If I say $35, that would be about a 20-month payoff. That's also pretty good, but if it'll take about the same amount of time to pay for itself, I'd rather get the higher-wattage one.

Numerous caveats:

• It's not always sunny in Philadelphia.
• The panels will not be at 100% efficiency because the window is cloaked in shadow half the day, and there is no way I get the angle perfect, and maybe the glass affects how much energy they can absorb or something (would it help? hurt?). This isn't inherently an issue, except...
• ...that the charging time for the power station might be long. Some of the reviews say 6 hours in maximum sunlight, so for my use-case there's no way it would be faster than 12 hours for a full charge, and probably more. I use my appliances kind of a lot. The fridge is always running, and either the washer, dryer, oven, or dishwasher are running a pretty good chunk of the time. I think that I could get by with this... but I probably wouldn't be able to use it as much as I'd like (there are often moments where more than one is running simultaneously), so...
• ...the payoff time wouldn't actually be 25 months. I suspect there are some factors I'm not thinking about that would reduce the realistic amount of energy I'd save here. Let's say it is half as effective in my setup as a normal person's, because the sun is half as visible or something, and the charging time is too slow to use often, or whatever. At a 50-month payoff (4 years), I would start to get skeptical. But not inherently opposed.
• I use my windowsill for other things that like sunlight, like plants. I would have to move the plants that really love the sun somewhere slightly dimmer. Is it worth it???????
• I also like to look out my window, and if I had a huge solar panel there (especially if I had to stand it up vertically for space reasons), that would be a bummer perhaps.
• Constantly charging and discharging this thing probably reduces its effective wattage output fast. I.D.K. by how much. But there might be a point where I can't use it for my high-wattage devices, which would largely defeat the purpose of buying an expensive model. Not clear to me what the timeline for that would be.
• I still can't figure out if the panels would actually fit in my windowsill.
• Since it wouldn't be able to run more than one energy-intensive device simultaneously, I'd have to be careful not to keep it plugged in to too much stuff at once. It would overall be a bit of a hassle to plug in the panels and the charger and everything. Maybe the panels could stay plugged in, but even so.
• Running extension cords all over the house and putting a giant solar panel in even just one or two of the windows would result in a catastrophic domestic state of affairs. I can just imagine the eye-popping that would happen if I set that up unilaterally.

Takeaway

There is almost definitely something I am not considering. My math is so napkin-based, so imaginary and so optimistic.

But even if the practical efficiency isn't great, I feel like this could maybe possibly actually work, and could save me a bit of money. I would just have to spend it all up front. I mean I don't have $2500 on hand. But I could scrounge up part of it and put the rest on credit. And it would make for living room conversation with guests?

Realistically this seems like an amusing but too-annoying to actually do sort of project. If you know anyone who's done something silly like this and had it work, let me know! I'd be curious what their experience was.

Hi. I'm finishing my schooling and have received a job offer on the west coast (Vancouver). I also have comparably good, though marginally worse, job offers here on the east coast where I live (Toronto).

I'm familiar with Toronto and have many friends here or nearby, especially since I grew up and went to school not too far. However, the offer I have in Vancouver is "better" both in terms of compensation (though not that it makes a big difference) and in terms of the actual learning experience I would have on the job.

If this job was also in Toronto I would take it immediately with no hesitation. However, it being in Vancouver gives me some pause. I've visited the city and have some mutual, but not personal, friends there. The city overall is fairly agreeable, and I enjoy the nature and scenery a lot.

Question: have any of you made similar moves, how did you feel about it retrospectively, and how did you go about establishing a friend group outside of work?

I was just looking at a job posting. It's fully remote, good pay, and almost a perfect match to my skill set. It's got a somewhat humanitarian aspect to its mission even if there are also profit motive aspects.

I looked at glass door, and the overwhelming majority of the reviews are, "it's not a bad place to work, but it doesn't have good work life balance." Or "expect startup culture hours".

If you want to see the job posting, DM me and I'm happy to share, but I don't want to publish a public link when I might apply for it.

My question for Tildes is, what experience do you have just saying no to overtime / forcing management to prioritize by just telling them you can't do everything / etc? Is this workable if your work is good and you make an effective contribution in a 40-50 hour week? What are your success or failure stories? Strategies you used for vetting the team / manager? Other things I should be thinking about?

Thanks as usual for any thoughts.

So, got a new job. That's great. Pay bump, more / new responsibilities and all that jazz. It took until my first day on the job for it to like, REALLY sink in that it's my first job managing people. I want to be good at this, or at the very least, competent. I'm responsible for my team and I don't want to let them down. I'm already looking things up online, talking to my parents, friends in similar positions for more information, and figured it would be good to ask around on here.

I guess the other half of this is that I've gone from looking at code in the IDE to now being more responsible for higher level architectural decisions. Possibly company steering decisions. Not used to that yet either, or at least the feeling. I feel under-prepared, and am possibly verging on overwhelmed. Lots of new things happening at once here, also writing this to unpack it as I type it out.

What advice do you have for me? Anything that you've learned while in a managerial role that you haven't gotten to share? Tips and Tricks? Prayers? 🤣

I've been friends with someone for 18 months that seems to be taking the friendship in an inappropriate direction. Well, it started inappropriate as well.

At my last job we all sat in cubicles. One day, having just led my ornithologist brother on a small bird tour of the area, I described the trip to a co-worker. Someone I'd never noticed before popped up from behind a cube wall and started asking questions. She introduced herself and for the next few days continued to strike up conversations with me.

After a certain amount of this I wondered if this was a romantic interest from her. I was already counting the days until I would quit the job so saw little reason not to ask her out for a drink. When I proposed the idea she gave me a devious smile and we quietly headed out. Afterwards, in the settling of the tab, I Venmo'd her for a beer and noticed her Venmo account had a different last name than she has at work and asked about that. She's Chinese and I wasn't sure if sometimes Chinese people might have an anglicized last name in addition to their first name. "Oh, sometimes I use one, sometimes the other" was all I got. Nothing physical occurred or was initiated.

A week later after texting and going to a company workout class together she tells me that she is married. I'm absolutely shocked and feel like I've been used as part of someone's adulterous fantasy. The style of our conversations seemed identical to the getting-to-know-you type of stuff you cover on first dates. But I wasn't sure. Maybe I misread the situation. I tell her I'm not comfortable with the situation and we stop talking for a week. But I'd already joined the group workout class on her recommendation and would see her there anyway. I decided that I didn't really know what her intentions were and would give her the benefit of the doubt. She seemed to be interested in us having a friendship.

But I really wanted to know... what did happen? One of my favorite podcasts is Heavyweight. In it, Jonathan Goldstein plays the role of a social detective. People come to him with relationship issues from their past and he, without the restraint most people feel, badgers people for answers with his journalistic skills. I suspect I am mildly autistic, so for me many mundane social interactions carry mystery. To have Goldstein take relatable life experiences and crack them open for all to see is powerful. It's like we can finally get some goddamn answers to people's closest kept secrets.

So as time went on I got integrated into her group of friends, met her husband, her dog. Her husband seems like a great guy. But my friend would give indications of unhappiness in her marriage, often in groups when he was not around, occasionally over text message to me. I never engaged.

She had some hard-to-get permits for a backpacking trip. It would be a trip of four. Her husband was not interested so she invited three friends including myself. I went on the trip, made a new friend who just moved to my city, and had a great time. Immediately afterwards we started planning a new trip.

At some point my female friend did initiate a conversation on what she was thinking when we went out for a drink and what happened during the days after before she told me she was married. It boiled down to her wanting my friendship but not wanting to change my behavior. In my interpretation she wanted the attention of being dated. I honestly wasn't sure how much I believed this explanation - and even on its face it didn't sound super great.

So we just got back from another backpacking trip - myself, my female friend, and a male friend of hers who is married. During the trip I ended up discussing my sexuality with the two of them. I consider myself to be on the spectrum of asexuality. I described, as best I could, what makes me attracted to people (an emotional connection, their personality and intelligence, etc.) and the short list of people I had found myself strongly attracted to. I didn't list my female friend - I had lost most of my interest with that initial feeling of being used a year and a half ago. And a couple weeks isn't quite enough time for me to really get things revved up. Visibly I could see she was very confused but I didn't acknowledge her reaction. "Wasn't there one more ... the married one?" I dodged the question.

On the drive back her male friend brought up the topic of my sexuality again. I answered his questions. My female friend seemed to again want to know if I was attracted to her. "Do you ever find your friends attractive?" "Are you attracted to older women?" (she's older than me)

On my side of things, this friendship has been predicated on the idea that as long as I didn't engage with anything I consider to be unethical there couldn't be any harm done. But now I'm not so sure. And what's worse - I'm finding myself attracted to her again because of her interest.

I've been thinking about having a conversation about how she's making me uncomfortable. I think it's past the point where there's any chance nothing's going on. I really do not get the impression she's trying to leave her husband. I just feel played with.

Edit: Okay, the friend in question is away for a few weeks but I'll have a conversation with them when they get back to figure this out.

I'm at the end of a decade long relationship. I didn't want it end but that's how it goes sometimes. Any suggestions for how to handle it? Right now all I'm really feeling is shock but I'm sure that'll fade to sadness soon.

The news has been talking about the burst of mosquito activity, thanks to warm weather and moisture everywhere. In our typically bug-free home, we've lately been swatting a half dozen flying insects a day, mostly flies and fruit flies, and a mosquito here and there.

I'm not necessarily scared of West Nile, Eastern equine encephalitis, or dengue virus, but I'm wondering if anyone has any good tricks for dealing with all these bugs.

How are you dealing with mosquitoes and flies at home?

Hello fellow Tildians,

I'm considering a move from Northern Virginia (NoVa) to Raleigh, NC, and would love some insight from those familiar with the area. I'm in my 20s and curious about the scene down there.

Although I haven’t spent much time in NoVa, one of the main reasons I’m looking at Raleigh is that NoVa feels like it has a more transient population. There's nothing inherently wrong with that (and I realize I’m contributing to it myself), but I’m hoping for something with more rooted connections.

How easy is it to make friends or date in Raleigh? I know it’s a broad question, but if anyone has lived in both places and can compare, that would be super helpful!

Additionally, are there any neighborhoods or locations I should avoid? I’m considering purchasing a home but want to stay within 15-20 minutes of Raleigh.

Any insights or advice would be greatly appreciated!

To be clear, I'm a native Texan. But I'm tired of the goings-on of the county that I've always lived in. I feel like I've already done everything there is to do. I want to meet people that feel genuinely 'new' to me and have as many novel experiences as I can in a short period of time.
I'm planning on moving during January since that's when my lease is up at my apartment. What things should I expect? What should I seek?

I'm currently at a crossroads for how I want to spend my next few years. For context I'm 33 and considering whether or not to purchase a vehicle after being car free for 12 years.

I rent a 600 sq foot apartment downtown and walk, run or bike everywhere with the occasional trip on transit. I fill up my free time with low cost activities like gaming, magic (the gathering), disc golf, and usually one paid activity like karate or climbing. I enjoy getting out to the mountains to hike when I can get a ride with a friend or meetup group.

I'm pretty content day to day, I have a good friend group, and it feels great knowing I only have to work for 12-17 more years while I am still young enough to enjoy retirement (If I keep my 50% savings rate). I do still splurge occasionally with a few weeks of overseas vacation.

I am considering getting a car as I feel it would allow me to:

• Go hiking more often, and on my terms. Most of the hiking groups I join are 10-20 people going extremely slowly. I run in a 100 mile trail run relay every year and a vehicle would allow me to train more and see how much I can push my body. Running a 50km, 50 miler, 100km, and maybe 100 miles would be goals that I can see myself training towards.
• Provide rides for people out to the mountains. The most luck I have had in meeting new people is through hiking groups, and being on the provider end and being known as someone that regularly hosts I feel can generate a lot more clout, and is seen as more attractive for the purposes of asking people out for dates afterwards if we bonded during the hike.
• Visit family and work remotely more often. I live 500km away from family, but my work allows me to work from anywhere within 1 or 2 timezones, so I could make 1-3 week trips to visit family and work during the day.

However I have the following reservations:

• Getting a vehicle I feel is a dangerous slope of lifestyle creep. Likely at least $3-5k in yearly expenses on top of the purchase cost, pushing retirement at least a few years back
• Getting a vehicle purely for pleasure as I work from home goes against my current frugal nature. What if I don't feel like hiking every single weekend? Sometimes I like just staying in a playing some games or working on a side project. What if I get an injury or it ends up being too smoky?
• The opportunity cost. Is this the best way I would want to spend my money to enjoy life more if I was dedicated to spending it? I could instead spend months in South America doing a bunch of awesome hiking and traveling there.

Has anyone else that was on track for an early retirement give in and decide to start spending more 10+ years out? I currently don't know what I want my retirement to look like, and a house and family is a huge question mark that I feel is so far off as the longest I have dated someone is just 2 months.

Trigger Warnings: parent death, pet death, drowning

Recently my mom passed away in a river accident.
She had brought her service dog (a German Shepherd) with her on a rafting trip with friends. From witness testimony, her raft got caught in some trees and as she was trying to detangle herself, her dog got spooked, and jumped into the river. My mom was tied to the dog, and they ended up drowning. They found both their bodies hours later.

I’m still reeling, and I’m in shock. It’s almost early morning and I still can’t get to sleep. I live in a different country and I need to head back to deal with her affairs. She was a single mother, so it’s up to me to figure things out. I have a lot of support, but it still feels so overwhelming.

I specifically would like any advice on how to deal with the “accident” part of her death. It would be one thing if she had died peacefully in her home. But the reason I can’t sleep is because my brain won’t stop trying to imagine what it must have been like in her final moments. The fear, the struggle, her body washing ashore and just sitting somewhere for hours until they could find her. How she must look like now. I will request they cremate her, the police pretty much recommended I don’t do a final look because of how she died. But the morbid curiosity is just there. I don’t know how to shut it off. I know she wouldn’t have wanted me to ruminate over it, but it’s almost like I’m getting the PTSD on her behalf.

I’m also so angry. Angry at her for thinking it would be safe to bring her dog on a raft. Angry at her for tying herself to said dog. But I realize this is more like “denial/bargaining”. My brain keeps making these angry scenarios where I’m yelling at her not to be so stupid. What would possess her to do something like this? But of course that’s just another part of grief.

I’m rambling, it’s late. (Or rather early?) I’m just really sad and tired. Any words would be appreciated.

if i chart my life happiness, fulfilment, success over the past four years, the trend is clearly downwards. some clear wins and stretches of improvement, some quite significant, which i am proud of, but overall, i am getting worse and worse and worse. i attribute my problems mostly to two things: severe social isolation, and an extreme deficit of executive function. however i got here, i'm stuck with the fallout

my memory is bad, and my attention shot, so i kind of don't know what's happened emotionally. i know some focal points, though

this past march, i had a major depressive episode, and it feels like i spent most of a week doing nothing but crying, for no reason at all. i'm not sure how i fed myself

at the beginning of 2022, i quit my (very cushy and chill) job, which i had had for a little over a year at that point, because i felt like i was unmotivated and not actually doing work. (the facts are a bit more subtle; it was partly that the work itself was uninteresting to me, and they wanted to work with me to find something for me to do that i would find more interesting. i was going along with that, until a new opportunity appeared, which i jumped for because i wanted to be able to make a clean break. that opportunity immediately fell through.) i had been living with my parents until shortly before, so i had a lot of savings

now, i find myself in a similar situation, only much more dire. a friend got me a job working with smart people on interesting problems. i have not been doing well. i have been extremely uncommunicative. the pattern is clear: i talk to people, flex my technical chops; they are impressed and like me a lot. then i'm not very productive, and my output slowly deteriorates to nil. i think i just can't do wfh tech work. last week was a blur. i don't know what happened at all. i don't think i've checked slack in close to two weeks, and atp i'm a little bit afraid to. two weeks ago, i asked my friend/coworker to poke me every day to make sure i was doing something. it seemed and still seems like a good strategy. and then a day or two after i asked him that i just dropped off the map again

i'm not addicted to drugs or video games. it seems like i ought to be. i am a bit drunk right now, but that is quite irregular

recently, i thought i'd finally made a close friend. this morning, she broke up with me and blocked me for a really really stupid reason. i am really hurt by that, and it makes me feel a bit hopeless about the whole thing. spent the afternoon crying about it and now just feel a bit numb. i give it decent odds she comes back, but. i know one problem i have is putting my eggs in too few baskets. but there are so few baskets that seem worth investing in, and investment is so hard

she suggested i try to get prescribed add medication for my work problems, and was going to give me some illicitly to see if it helped. the latter is not happening anymore, of course. and i cannot stomach the medical system (already i have other things i have been putting off talking to my doctor about for a while), not to mention that it would take forever to do anything for me

i don't know what to do in the short to medium term. i don't know what to say to my work that i haven't said already, other than: clearly, i am just incapable of doing this. i am not super financially stable right now, and being without a job seems like a bad idea

Hey, so there's been an ice buildup in our fridge creeping along the back. After a while it hit the front, and tadaaaa, it finally got bad enough the door didn't close fully... So most everything outside of one big pile of vegetables got defrosted overnight. (On the plus side, I walked into having a nice big pancake breakfast!) We threw out the meats and moved the veggies to our other freezer. This at least let me finally disassemble everything and see what's in there. It looks like this in there:

https://imgur.com/a/YnGB3Zz

When we noticed this was happening a few months ago I turned off the ice maker switch in the back and, but it still kept doing this. There's still a ton of ice in the top tray, and set the temp to the max. But the fridge is right up against the left wall there, making it difficult/impossible to get the trays here out with the door blocking it. Additionally the right side has a dishwasher immediately next to it, so a decent amount of heat goes up the back. Then ALSO I found that big chunk of ice frosted on a pipe, so I wonder if it split? I'm unfamiliar with fridge design, so I don't know exactly what would give me the right answer.

I'm wondering what to do. My thoughts are that I've finally got the bottom tray/shelf/bucket thing out, so I could hammer the shit out of it and at least clear the bottom up... Then if I could get the top tray out I could see if removing all the ice in the top would stop the creep. I'm guessing that's a big fat no. At that point, is it possible to remove the ice module that I actively do not want anyway to see if it fixes anything, or is it integral to the freezer design? And at that point... Should we just get another fridge? Are there fridges without this busto icemaker shit nowadays? Thanks!

So this is ultimately a very oddball situation. Some background:

I live in a rancher in southern NJ. Fully electrified home.

I had recently installed minisplits to replace some electric baseboard heaters, covering about 2/3 of my home. This was fortunate, as I believe my blower fan in my central AC unit blew out. The minisplits + 1 window unit have actually been cheaper to operate than the old AC unit, so now I have a vestiegal high-velocity central AC system in my attic.

Namely, this means a lot of unused flexible, insulated ductwork and some ferro-fluids in my attic that should probably be blocked off and drained, respectively.

I've been contemplating on how to possibly repurpose some of this stuff to fix one of the biggest blind spots in my home: ventilation and filtering

My one bathroom exhaust fan vents directly into the attic, which is a moisture hell that needs solved.

There's no other ductwork in my home, and pretty much the only time fresh air gets in the house is if we crack windows or open doors.

So the theory is:

I route the bathroom exhausts into the old air handler coils to help capture the moisture and drain it out, then have it mix with some outside air and recirculate it into the house again.

Alternatively, routing some of the air between the attic/crawlspace/attached garage for preconditioning outside air as as well.

Is this insanity, or a remotely plausible idea? I'm fairly handy, and since its sbeing made with vestigial bits in spare time labor cost is much less of an issue than parts.

My dog is really important to me. Without going into much detail, he and I have been through a lot and I’m committed to making his life as good as possible. a couple of years ago we lived in San Francisco and we were happy. Then I moved to the East Coast, spent a year with my parents before starting a PhD. That was not the best experience, it was at the last stage of his adulthood before being elderly, and he got attacked by my mom‘s dog several times and we were in a shitty concrete hell suburbia that had no good places to walk him. I am very sympathetic to how difficult the transition has been.

Finally we have a place to ourselves again, and it sucks. I feel like he’s ruining my life. It’s been upsetting me to the point that I want to scream.

• he will not leave me alone. He needs to be where I am at all times. We live in a modest one bedroom apartment, and you can see every room from any other room. if I go into the bedroom and he’s in the living room, he has to hop off the couch and follow me 15 feet. If I go to the bathroom, he’s laying down outside the door. Because of his arthritis, I wish he would just stay and not walk unnecessarily.

• I take him on one good size walk and two or three small walks per day. these are the most frustrating times of my day. He lags behind me no matter how slowly I go. I have to keep the leash very short so that I don’t have him fearing off left and right. He wants to smell every single thing. He used to, be a good walker and he would stay at my side and come to that position if I signal him to. But in his old age, he just doesn’t listen to me, it’s not a matter of hearing. He completely ignores me.

• if he is not eating, out on a walk, or tearing up a stuffy, he is unhappy. He lays and will now and then sneezes or sighs.

• he has always had this problem where, a sudden loud noise will deeply disturb him. He will shake uncontrollably, and any attempt to soothe him, by talking to him or touching him, just makes him shake worse.

• he hounds me for food. The moment I touched something in the kitchen, he comes.

• I have gotten him several bowls to try slowing down his eating, but he eats like he’s starving. So I have to feed him in small bits, and if the bits are spread apart too far, he starts shaking like he’s being neglected. I have had him tested for diabetes or other issues, his blood work comes back normal.

• he always wants to sleep in my bed, but he does not want me to touch him. If we are sleeping back to back and our hips touch, he gets off the bed. And then he gets back on as soon as he sees a decent opportunity. we used to share the bed, because I have had a California king size bed by myself, and it was fine. But in the last year, it’s just like he hates it.

I have come to hate the sound of his collar jingling. I have nasty thoughts like waiting for the relief of him passing away. Sometime I have an aggressive voice, but I really do always try to keep my voice light and keep his tailwagging in my interactions with him. I’m sure he can sense my agitation though. It has become overwhelming. I don’t enjoy a single moment of our life together.

And I have to work and he needs to be walked several times a day and he will shake if he feels like he’s being neglected in that aspect, so when I have to go run errands, I take him with me, but I can never get anywhere because not only is he naturally slow. He has developed this instinct of lagging behind and he wants to stop and smell everything and it’s just annoying to have to constantly crouch down and Argue with him to get him to move his body. I don’t feel comfortable, forcing him to move, especially because of his arthritis.

Like I said, he used to have good training, but it has all fallen by the wayside and he is old and stubborn.

But this cannot continue. I Don’t believe either of us are happy. I would like some advice on how to effectively train him in the time that I have, I do not have the money to hire a trainer. I also ask that you handle your responses gently; I am extremely upset by this and I am aware of how shitty it sounds of me to speak of him so poorly, but my mental health is falling apart because of the lack of freedom and relaxation that I can find living with him.

I have no intention of rehoming him, and have always been committed to his safety, and comfort and mental and physical happiness. if I rehomed him, it would haunt me, it would devastate me. But I would do it if I believed he would be happier. But I don’t believe he would be, I have left him with my parents and other people in the past, and he just waits vigilantly for me to return.

Edit: I also want to say that I am open to advice on how I can manage myself and my feelings about this

So in about two weeks I'll be at a conference for a career path that I've been trying my best to get into for two years. It's a bit niche, having an overlap with science, tech and IT.

As such this conference represents opportunity for me, and given how low my morale is after rejection after rejection after rejection, something I really hope to see some result from.

Does anyone have any tips on how to network at such a conference?

The topic has been on my mind lately and I'm thinking through my feelings. I'd appreciate hearing others' experiences and opinions to help with my approach.

For context, I have several close family members, including a parent, approaching retirement age. As they've been getting their affairs in order, I've been finding myself the recipient of either gifts or posthumous requests, which are sentimental to them but not me.

Its nothing outrageous. Examples of gifts are things like little decorations/mementos/childhood crafts, long held by them but which I've never seen before. In terms of requests, think along the lines of: I'd really love for you to learn X instrument because you're musical, or I'd love for you to take care of X income-generating hobby I started but you like (Im being a little vague).

I want to respect their feelings (even when I'm not overly sentimental) and help them feel comfortable as they get older, but I want also don't want to outright lie (eg, requests I can't promise to keep) or accrue things that, to me, are clutter.

How have you approached this, or similar scenarios with aging or dying loved ones? Did your opinions or feelings change as they continued to age or passed?

Today I had a small accomplishment that involved solving something I was pondering in the back of my mind all day. In the moment (and even still, a couple hours later), I felt a sense of pride.

But I know that in another week I won't even remember this feeling. I'll have moved on to some other event in life and feel things associated with that.

Which leads me to my question - is there an effective way to save a record of your accomplishments that will keep or re-ignite that emotional/chemical response?

We can even extend this into work life a bit as well. If you use an issue tracker or ticketing system, I'd imagine your completed tickets are lost to the abyss unless they need to be searched for in the future.

Personally, I think a journal is too verbose. But I'm open to ideas.

I have been dating a woman for coming up to 4 months, after matching on Hinge. I am completely head over heels for her, as is she for me. Due to respective childcare obligations, our physical time together is limited, but we text constantly, have frequent video and phone calls, and make an effort to find small, snatched windows to be together after bedtimes when geography and schedules allow.

I feel extraordinarily connected to this woman; our relationship has been characterised by laughter from the very first message on Hinge, and the time we spend together is both a) an unbridled joy, and b) doing that annoying thing where hours feel like minutes. I am fully aware that this is just a part of being in the honeymoon period, and that we haven't gotten into the more mundane parts of being in a long term relationship yet; but that they are inevitably coming down the line. However I could very much see this being the last relationship I ever have, inshallah. So I want to try and lay the groundwork for stability and security into the long term while we're still in the honeymoon period, with the idea being that when it ends we've got a strong foundation upon which we can move forwards.

I know you can't plan relationships, that every relationship is different, and that life has a way of throwing enormous curveballs your way. But as best I can, I would like to ensure that when the magic of the honeymoon ends, we have built something that will enable us to transition into lasting love. We've already talked in broad terms about things such as when we would meet each other's kids; the vague direction of the relationship in terms of living together, marriage, additional kids, and so on, but without timelines; and a little about our respective love languages and attachment styles. That all feels like simply sounding out compatibility, so I would like to know, what are the other conversations we should be having? Are there specific things that you wish you discovered or realised about your SO during the honeymoon phase? Is there something that we as a couple should be doing now to make our lives easier and better later on?

I was diagnosed with adult ADHD a few years ago. The first thing I focused on was structuring my schedule and environment to allow it to work to my advantage. This has helped immensely with improving myself and achieving my goals, I'd say even more so than medication has (then again, the meds helped me accomplish it in the first place).

However, it doesn't take much to push me off balance. Any unexpected events (frankly, even expected ones) can derail everything, and very quickly I feel this urge to go back to bed and start it all over again tomorrow. I'd liken it to maintaining momentum. Even things like doctor's appointments or mini vacations with my wife have me returning back to my life suddenly with no idea of how to manage it.

With my first kid on the way, I want to properly prepare myself. I've come to terms with the amount of focus and attention I'll have to give to him. In fact, it kind of sounds nice to recontextualize my life's purpose to just "keep this thing alive." However, I do have ambitions and lofty dreams that, if I'm being honest with myself, are THE reasons I get up in the morning.

I have no doubt I'll be able to recalibrate to this new life I'm about to enter and develop a new way of living that works for me, but I am curious if anyone has some tips or bits of wisdom to help make the transition quicker, easier, and smoother. To get through my day, I need to slowly pick up a head of steam and barrel through my tasks. How can I maintain this strategy with the frequent interruptions that are inherent to parenthood?

Thanks everyone. I'm very excited to have a mini-me.

Hi everyone,

As other Tildes members have expressed through multiple topics, finding friends as adult is hard. I'm currently trying to figure what's the best way to do this for me and I was hoping I could get some help. I've tried joining group activities like boardgame and table top RPG groups but while it's been good to make acquaintances I haven't been able to find someone I could call a friend. I know partly this is on me because it's hard for me to connect with others, but through repetition I'm hoping to get there eventually. I also thought recently maybe I should change or complement my approach with something else, which is why I'm here. Are there any good online platforms to make friends? I know that for the most part apps where the goal is to get people together are more geared towards romantic relationships, but that's not what I'm after, I'm looking for something strickly platonic. Ideally should be someone near me so that we're not restricted to only doing online activities.

Appreciate any help I can get here.

I'm going to be a father soon. This kid was very much planned, and I've been pretty involved every step of the way, yet it still feels bizarre to say that out loud. At 26 (27 when the kid is born), I don't feel like a kid, but in some ways, I'm not sure I feel mature enough for parenthood.

I'm not too worried about the immediate logistical practicalities of parenthood. Things like how to clean, feed, and physically handle a newborn are things I can learn and seem fairly straightforward. Regarding what to get, I live within walking distance of a fairly well known baby supply store, so I figure I can just buy things as the need arises. I'm expecting that first month to be hard, but after I "figure out" the kid, I'm sure it'll be manageable. My folks did it, their folks did it, I'm sure I can do it too.

I guess what I'm really dwelling on is the more abstract aspects of fatherhood. I don't know what to expect and I don't really know what I don't know. What does it feel like? How should I prioritize my life? How do I figure out what's important and what isn't? I want to do what's best for the kid, but what does that even mean? How much is expecting too much from the kid? My wife wants the kid to be able to speak Russian, naturally, I want the kid to be able to speak English, and living in Japan, the kid will also have to pick up Japanese. Is that going to stunt the kid? I have so many questions and no one to really ask. I asked my own dad about it and all he said was something along the lines of "every kid is different, it might take a bit of time to really sink in that you're a dad" and that was that.

A bit of background about my situation:
On one hand, I'm in an okay place. I have a house with a very affordable mortgage, a modest, but stable career, and I live in a very safe part of Japan, which offers a lot of support for new parents. On the other hand, both my wife and I are thousands of miles from our respective families, so we're pretty much on our own and neither of are as fluent in the local language as we'd like to be.

I love fashion and all things streetwear and sneakers, but I have a blind spot when it comes to suits and tuxedos. I don't need to ever dress formally at work since I work in tech, but I'm also at the age where I need to have suits for weddings and such.

I currently have a pretty nice dark grey suit that I bought for a couple of weddings a couple of years ago, but I need to go suit shopping again for just a normal black suit for upcoming weddings. Anyone have anything they look for specifically? I have an appointment at Suit Supply later tonight, but wanted to go in knowing a bit more!

What would your family do? What would a normal, healthy, supportive family do? (If different)

Hypothetical situation 1:

Two family members have had a major accident. No threat to their lives, some internal organ damage, some broken bones, not much other info is know. One of them is awake and can call/text for info, the other is in/out of surgeries and in ICU for the first two days.

A) immediately family drops everything and fly to their destination right away?

B) extended family do so?

C) discuss and send one person to go right away. Then discuss to arrange for longer term recovery + rehab care after hospital discharge

D) nothing, combo, or other ?

Hypothetical situation 2:

Family member is "not doing well", eg, mental health. Probably"moderate" level of suicide risk: no immediate plans, some reservations about morality and how devastated their partner would be, but constant ideation and philosophically don't see why not. CPTSD with more recent triggers of job loss and moving from away from a socially unsafe situation. Has entirely dropped out of communication with family. Their partner is reachable by phone or email or text and says the family member is not doing well at all and has ceased all outside of home activities such as getting mail, buying groceries, filling up the car or anything that involves other human beings.

What would a normal family do?

One of my kids and his friend really want to do a lemonade stand (or something to that effect) this summer. I'm not really liking the idea of selling actual lemonade but I was thinking maybe they could stuff some freezies in a cooler and walk over to a local dog park. A big part of me wants my kids to actually execute an idea rather than dream about it and not actually do it. I want them to learn about money to some degree and maybe learn some lessons about making money... potato quality clip from my favourite show

Did you ever do a lemonade stand (or similar) as a kid?

What are some other things they could sell that would actually work?

Would ice be enough to keep freezies cold or should I buy some dry ice?

Is this all a dumb idea?