How do you comfort people?
Hello everyone! I had a realization recently spurred by ongoing work stress that my partner is going through. I don't think I'm really good at providing comfort to people.
For one, I always feel very awkward when people other than close friends or romantic partners open up to me. I never quite know what to say. Something like "there there. I'm sorry you're going through that" feels really trite and rehearsed. However the other mode that I have is problem solving, which most people don't appreciate when they're going through something hard.
Secondly, I have this internal feeling about constantly providing comfort for the same thing over and over forming a sort of codependency. I went through this with a previous long term relationship. She hated her job, she would come home, cry, I'd do my "there there" thing, she'd cheer up just enough to force herself through another day, and the cycle would repeat ad nauseum. At a certain point it began to feel like I was enabling a sort of self-harm, and I was bearing much of the fallout from that self-harm. Her job would make her miserable, she'd make me miserable, eventually I'd bear enough of that misery for her to make herself miserable again. Would it have been better to just put my foot down, say I'm no longer going to comfort you for this job that is stealing all of your joy, and I will help you fix this problem, but I won't continue to soothe the pain it causes you? Maybe, but I don't know if I could bring myself to do that. Also, what happens if it's a problem without a solution? What if it's a problem that most people deal with, and you just need to sort of build emotional resilience to deal with?
I don't know the answers to these questions, and I'm not sure if anyone really does for sure, but I'm curious how other people feel about comforting people. What strategies have worked for you? Does it feel awkward? Is it something you've consciously worked on? Do you believe there's such a thing as too much comfort? Even for the people you love?
How do you comfort people?
You listen.
You affirm their emotions.
You don't problem solve. Unless asked too. Even then.... hmmmm... still not a good idea.
How do you deal with people who drain you by constantly seek your comfort?
Chronic complainers don’t want resolution; they want sympathy on a loop.
I minimize contact with these people. Difficult when you are dating, but there is a solution to that as well.
I have different feelings about the people who complain about the same thing over and over. I think that's a complicated topic.
But I agree with the affirming their feelings and asking questions. I had a very similar feeling to OP years ago and I've been trying to get better at it. I feel like just listening and affirming that "I understand how you feel, I'm sorry" then asking for more details, mostly just to let them vent than anything else, is the best answer.
My partner might come in and be mad about something that happened at her work and I'll ask "what happened?"
She'll tell me that someone fucked up cooking something and it made her day more difficult, I'll say that does sound shit, she's right. The conversation can go from there, depends how well you know the person.
When someone has the same complaint regularly then it's complicated. Does that person find the negative in the things they do? Is there actually another problem in their life and this is just a distraction? Or is the issue real and they either aren't dealing with it or they can't.
If someone genuinely has a terrible job that's toxic and is affecting their mental health, they need to change job and not just vent.
It's complicated for sure. But for just reassuring someone it's easy, they just want to be heard and validated that their feelings are justified.
I certainly don't have an answer for you, and I'm replying as much as anything else to remind myself to read through the answers. I do find myself in a similar situation often, and it's become more and more apparent to me after I went through about a year of therapy for myself.
Something I have been thinking about here and there lately is this: is it possible for me to be compassionate vs. empathetic? The difficulty for me is that I perceive almost all of these situations as requiring me to feel the person's emotions with them: empathy. I find it so draining, so all encompassing, that I become more and more resistant to it, often feeling aggravated that I perceive someone wants me to feel that way with them again. I don't think everyone reacts exactly like I do, but the questions you are asking make me think that you might, too. I learned a lot about myself in therapy, and one of the most basic things was setting boundaries. I still suck at it a lot of the time, in part because I have a lot of trouble identifying my own boundaries, let alone stating them in a reasonable way. That said, at least according to my therapist, it is reasonable to set a boundary with someone -even a significant other- to not talk about work, or to only talk about it once a week, or something like that.
Another thing to think about is maybe trying to figure out what that person actually wants by asking questions. Things like "what outcome are you hoping for by talking about this with me"? It's difficult to ask those questions and not sound dismissive, so you definitely have to think about how to approach that. It's entirely possible that you are expecting to have to give them something that they don't even want from the interaction. It's also entirely possible that they want a therapist, and you may be able to encourage them to seek that if it is something they would be open to.
OK I've gone through a similar situation and struggle. It is ok and often appreciated to say "I'm sorry you're going through that," even though it feels trite or rehearsed to say. Sometimes, folks just need to feel heard and validated that the struggle they're dealing with really is a struggle and to have someone to commiserate with. You could try to highlight a similar struggle you're going through as to contribute to the commiseration, but this takes some tact to do well.
I have gone through that similar dependency cycle too and it's hard to balance comforting someone and wanting them to improve their situation. When you are comforting them over a recurring situation, you could say something like "I know this isn't the best time to have this conversation, but perhaps later we could consider <situation change> at some point in the future?" It can help them feel like they have the power to improve their situation without going into problem solving mode and then you've got it "bookmarked" as a topic to return to at a better point.
If you do find you're providing comfort for the same issue, it may be also be good to suggest therapy if appropriate and at the right time.
Idk people also find my hugs comforting, I guess they feel like I really mean it or something.
What works for me - tone is hard to get via text but it's usually quiet, focused on the person and... Genuine. Genuine care will get you past fuck ups in phrasing 90+% of the time. I also leave lots of silence - I don't fill it and just let it sit there and let them talk.
And then just open-ended questions that let them talk.
I also like to ask at the beginning or at some point "do you want to vent, want support, or want problem solving? How can I support you?" So I don't fall into the problem solving mode when they just want to be heard. If I do have a suggestion, even if it's not what they originally wanted, I ask before offering it.
I think the bare minimum of comforting someone is by being present and actively listening. Body language that is open and accepting, like nodding and paying attention is part of this.
Additionally asking questions to explore how they are feeling or what the situation is allow them to vent as well. Validating their feelings, saying it's normal/okay to feel sad/angry/frustrated/anxious about xyz. And avoiding criticizing or dismissing their emotions/reactions.
While some people might not want immediate solutions, it is worth asking (depending on context) if there's anything you can do to support/help them with the situation. But of course only if you feel comfortable doing so.
This is what I personally find comforting, but I'll turn the question to you as well, what behaviors from a person do you find comforting? And you try to do the same thing :)
Honestly, one of my issues is that I don't often seek comfort from other people. I think that may be due to my upbringing and time in the military, where although griping is a constant source of joy almost as soon as you enlist, it's really frowned upon as you advance in rank. I tend to just work through problems in my own head and project an outward appearance of cool.
Sometimes that doesn't always work and I like reassurance that I'm not a total failure sometimes though. Sometimes I like hearing that other people feel the same way I do, even if it's just the way of the world, or some innate part of the human condition, like hating work or chores.
That might be the root of my problem though. I don't really know how to comfort others well because I don't seek out comfort very often myself, and thus I don't have a whole lot of experience being comforted.
Definitely something I'm actively working on though. I probably came off as a cold hearted bastard pretty often 10-15 years ago. I don't think I quite come off that way these days.
I typed up several responses the other day and trashed them because it just felt like a post for its own sake.
But I think you're circling some ideas that I have as well. My life has required me to be highly independent. I might talk to someone close about something I'm dealing with but it's closer to sound boarding than comfort seeking.
I'm actually pretty good at comforting my significant other. We've been through some tough stuff with her mental health and job. In some ways that was the easy part. The harder part has been around my emotions and that if she wants me to open up that it also takes work. Also that my emotions aren't processed the same as her. That if I'm visibly upset about something that it isn't about her.
I might be reading too much so disregard if this doesn't resonate. But guys like us(?) fit well in a caretaker/guardian role. Historically that was enough. For good reason our partners want deeper relationships. But that takes work on both sides, our side on communication, their side understanding that it's not going to be comfortable and it isn't something they should try to own.
Yeah, that's one of my problems too. If I'm upset and working through my emotions, my partner will often pick up on that and assume it's because of her, which it never is. I just usually need some time to deal with whatever is upsetting me. She usually wants me to open up and explain, but to me that often just makes it even more emotional and stressful than it needs to be. I realize that opening up is for her sake more than mine, so I try to, but it's hard to break through that edge, especially because I know that sharing usually won't help me, and will just open up additional avenues to upset one or both of us.
Definitely something I'm still working on.
You (both) might want to look into Non-violent Communication. Despite the name, this is not just a communication thing, but also a framework that gives you tools to recognize and express your own feelings and needs in a healthy way (self-empathy), which is a mandatory pre-requisite to being able to give empathy to others (which I think is the best way to comfort them in times of need). By doing that, you can then recognize and focus on the feelings and needs of others and use that for more satisfying and connecting communication.
For example, related to the comment I'm replying to, one of the things that is taught in this framework is that your feelings are your own and other people are not responsible for them. You can be mad, because someone did or said something that triggered your anger, but you learn to recognize that you are not mad at them. And the same goes for anger expressed by other people. You can navigate tense situations and empathize with them better when you learn that they are never "mad at you".
It's hard to put into words briefly, but I did my best haha. Please look into it to learn more (and more accurately than I was able to convey it).
I'm similar in that way, I often prefer isolation as a form of comfort. It's isolation at first (during initial periods of dis/stress) but I also find it comforting once I've identified my feelings and achieved self control that am I able to share/vent with a close friend. Explaining something difficult that's been going on and someone willing to support me and showing genuine concern and care is valuable.
Instead of a generalized comment about commiseration and listening, I present a tool: "Besides <the problem>, how have you been otherwise?"
This type of question is not something you start with. You start with the general statements of wishing them well and asking about their problem. When they've fully detailed their problem, the details surrounding it, their attempts to fix said issue, and how they feel stuck, then you ask them the question.
The reason is two fold: First, you're giving yourself a milestone in the conversation. At lot of the discomfort during these conversations is, in part, because you don't know how long you need to keep your energy up for the other person. Without a clear goal to get to, it's very easy to get stuck in cyclical threads of details the person keeps hanging onto due to anxiety. This question can help break that cycle.
As a segue, the second reason is to find something productive with the convo. You're going to get two types of responses from this question:
"Oh, I mean I'm doin' alright. I went to <thing> the other day, which was pretty neat..."
"Well, I've been trying to recover from missing my damn rent payment last month..."
With response 1, you can ask some further questions to get them thinking about that positive thing. If they're genuinely not doing great, they will usually take up the oppertunity to talk about something lighter. With response 2, you can ask further clarification about the secondary problem. I cannot promise this isn't going to dig you deeper into the convo, but the amount of times I've gotten to this part in the convo and had someone go "oh, shit, actually my rents due tomorrow, I should probably get on that..." is more than I can count. And it's productive! But, if someone just continues to complain about more and more things without some kind of consolation out of it? Like the other comments have said, cut that person out. This question is also good at figuring out who to disengage from.
Obviously this kind of thing is easier said than done, and should be naturally weaved into the mix. But it makes for a great save if the conversation sort of stops and you don't know what else to say. I genuinely will pop some qualifiers on if they seem like they might not know how to answer right away. "Like, feeling okay physically? Family/friends still good?" I sometimes even pop a couple of jokey qualifiers on the end to help alleviate tension, though it does take experience in reading the room: "...how have you been otherwise. Horoscope look good today? Credit score still triple digits?" Gives you the ability to customize this question to the person so it doesn't feel hollow. "Is Muffins the cat still fat?" Hopefully this helps. 🤪
When someone complains about something they're almost never looking for an answer or solution. This is a mistake I see from more headstrong personalities. What they want is to be heard by another human. They want affirmation that their reaction makes sense for the situation.
Really, if you come at it from a place of empathy and are mindful of your response, you're golden.